Humans are often led by fear because we’re physiologically wired to survive. This is unfortunate because fear often gets in the way of what we say we want. Because pain feels like a threat to our body, we try to avoid it by overcompensating mentally, looking for external clues that everything is safe. But even if you’re an amazing detective and know what someone else is thinking, you will never be satisfied. Whatever label you give them won’t emotionally make you feel better. You’ll never feel good by proclaiming yourself great and the other person horrible; him or her wrong and you right.

Much of the time we’re afraid, but we don’t know why. If you’re afraid of losing someone, why are you afraid of losing them? Where are you ACTUALLY connected to them? How often do you use chemistry to stay hooked into someone, or keep someone hooked into you? We choose “safe” relationships over love because we don’t want to be rejected or abandoned. If this is what you continually seek, you need to look at your fear around vulnerability, consistency and commitment. Most insecurely attached relationships focus on fear, not love. Love may be there, but fear is in the driver’s seat.

If you’re in a fear-based relationship, it’s an opportunity to grow and stretch yourself while still in it. Leaving that relationship for Perfect Peter or Perfect Paula won’t work because the fear of love is not attached to the other person—it’s attached to you. No one else can make it safe for you to love. You need to find that safety within yourself.