Are you afraid of expressing your true feelings because you might upset someone? Or do you think they will shut you down because they can’t handle the truth? If you were yelled at as a kid for doing something wrong, then shared how it made you feel and were told your feelings don’t matter, you learned to shove your feelings down. As an adult, this might manifest as trying to keep the peace so everything appears ok on the outside while suffering on the inside. Holding your emotions in or denying them, however, leads to all sorts of emotional and physical (yes, physical!) issues. It also allows somebody else to control your emotional state.

Nobody enjoys hearing criticism or blame, but it’s actually not about that. It’s possible to express your feelings without doing either when you focus on how their actions impact you. You can simply share what is true for you (i.e. your feelings were hurt) without judging them, asking them to change or doing something differently. But first, you need to get clear on what your feelings are and not berate yourself for them. Then express them from a place of ownership and self-responsibility. Again, it’s not about making the other person feel bad or trying to change their behavior. You can’t do that anyway. It’s about breaking the pattern of shoving your feelings down so you can stop distancing and start creating space for intimacy.