When you’re with the person you're attached to, do you ever feel as though you’re being pulled by some strange force to control them in an effort to bring them closer to you? Just the thought of letting go and allowing them to do what they want creates this panicked fear of abandonment. What if they leave? Or how about staring at your phone, waiting for them to contact you. You’re SO fixated that you can’t move away from it, afraid you might miss something.

We try to control others when we ourselves feel out of control. It’s a battle within us, and it messes with our self-worth, making us feel hopeless and without value because we’re not receiving the validation we need. It can feel like clinging to a life raft, trying not to drown in unwanted, painful feelings. What happens next is we start making rules like “I won’t look at my phone between 7pm-midnight,” but that just makes us feel worse. Not only are we trying to control our emotions, but we start to label ourselves as right or wrong based on those rules (Damn, I just looked at my phone—I’m so weak). It’s quite a painful cocktail.

Rules don’t help us to let go of control. Learn how to do it slowly and effectively to release those painful feelings.