Do you think you can control how someone feels about you by what you do or say? Say the right thing and you’re golden; say something wrong and he/she might leave. This leads you to judge and second-guess EVERYTHING, wondering when you’ll say something to drive them away. You walk on eggshells, which is no kind of fun. Thinking you can affect how someone else feels about you by your words or actions gives you a false sense of control, and it’s a breeding ground for anxiety. This is classic behavior for an insecurely attached Anxious type.

Think back to a time when you were on a date or with your partner and things were going well until you said something that caused him/her to give you a funny look. How did you react? Did you continue with the conversation, totally unfazed, or did you try to recover by saying something witty and charming? If you went with the latter, you probably felt a sudden loss of power so you started scrambling to gain the upper hand. The flaw in this strategy (and yes, it’s a mental strategy) is you cannot control how someone else feels about you. Period. You can perform like a circus seal until you’re blue in the face and that still won’t make someone feel a certain way.

If you’re afraid of rejection and trying to guard against that, ask yourself why you think you deserve to be rejected. Do you believe you’re meant to be alone? Your time and energy are much better spent digging into those questions and negative beliefs than trying to protect yourself from rejection externally. The strategies you employ with other people are manipulative (even if there isn’t malintent), and they simply don’t work. The next time you catch yourself going into super charm mode because you think you said something wrong, stop yourself and sit with the fear and discomfort of not knowing what will happen. An emotionally available person isn’t going to run away because of something you said. Anyone who does isn’t someone you want to invest in anyway.