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Valentine's Day is here again—the hearts, flowers, candlelight dinners, and grand gestures plastered all over Instagram. Let's be honest, a lot of this is driven by the hope of romance and sex. But from what I've seen with clients, friends, and even in my own life, it often leads to pressure, obligation, and the feeling that we're failing to live up to some rom-com ideal. So, can we ditch the once-a-year pressure and figure out how to weave romance into our lives every single day?

At the end of the day, we all crave love. We want to feel loved. Deep down, it's about connection and validation—feeling seen and heard, not just for the polished, perfect parts of ourselves, but for the messy, flawed bits we desperately hide, fearing they'll make us unlovable.

In this podcast, Dr. Alisa shares several  time-tested and "lab-tested" ways to cultivate real romance and deepen your relationships. These are for EVERY DAY,  you absolutely don't need a holiday as an excuse for romance.

Radical Vulnerability:

• 36 Questions to Fall in Love (New York Times): https://36questionsinlove.com

The core idea is that mutual vulnerability creates closeness. As the study's authors put it, "One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.”

The Small Things That Add Up to Lasting Love:

• Gottman Love Lab - Accepting Your Partner's Bids: https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

John and Julie Gottman can predict with 94% accuracy whether a marriage will last, simply by observing couples for 15 minutes. One of the biggest factors? How often a couple "turns toward" their partner instead of "turning away."

"Turning toward" means accepting "bids for connection."  We can do this by saying YES, showing interest, having curiosity to learn more. 

Examples of bids to accept:

• When your partner calls your name from another room
• When your partner says, "This is an interesting ______ I'm reading"
• When your partner suggests something they'd like to do, "I'd love to see this concert."

Learn to Speak Your Partner's Love Language:

• Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages:
  • Words of Affirmation
  • Quality Time
  • Physical Touch
  • Acts of Service
  • Gifts

You can take the quiz here (although there's a cost for a full report)

https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

The secret is learning their language, not just speaking your own. Can you give a "gift" based on your partner's love language, not what you would want? Be creative!  Listen to the podcast for some ideas! 

Or, better yet, share this bid for connection with your partner and listen (and learn) together! 💕

Thank you for being here.

You can find the video version of this podcast at: 

https://www.youtube.com/@dralisakriegel

Find more about me at:

https://alisakriegel.com/

This Episode is a bit of a departure as Dr. Alisa shares a personal story from her new blog (and reveals some exciting news!)
There are many times you may find yourself standing on a ledge, needing to make a change but afraid to take the leap to do so.  In sex and relationships, it is common to get stuck in patterns and dynamics that are no longer serving you.  However, often speaking up or trying something new can be be terrifying.
Dr. Alisa shares about just such a time, literally.  And the advice which helped her to make the jump.

You can find her new blog  "Take the Fear with You & Jump" on her website:

http://www.alisakriegel.com

Thank you for listening! 
Follow me on Instagram at: Letstalkaboutsex_really

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Dr. Alisa talks about the nervous system.  While it might sound neuro-science geeky, the Poly Vagal Theory can help you have better sex!  She discusses how being stressed in a flight or fight/trauma response (Sympathetic nervous system) can shut down parts of your body's functioning needed for sex.  Being in a Parasympathetic State, also known as Safe & Social,  helps your juices flow for better, wetter and more connected sex.  Listen to learn a simple hack to help get your body or your partner's body feeling safer, sexier and more present!  This will help you re-think your whole foreplay game!

Listen to all podcast episodes and find more resources on my website: ALISAKRIEGEL.COM

Follow me on Insta:  LETSTALKABOUTSEX_REALLY

References:
For more on how to map your own nervous system and feel safe: 
Deb Dana's, "Anchored"
For a much deeper dive into the science:
Stephen Porges, PhD.  "The Poly Vagal Theory: Neuropsychological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication & Self-Regulation

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In this episode Dr Alisa Kriegel is talking about all the reasons why you should be watching the Netflix show "How to Build a Sex Room." She discusses all the ways in which it can help you learn more about what turns you on and how to create a more sensual space in your life for exploring sex, alone or with partners!

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Dr. Kriegel continues sharing information about sex toys this time with a focus on toys for Men and also toys for Couples.  This is about exploration, pleasure and play.  There is no one way to have sex or be sexual.  Sex toys are an opportunity to discover new pleasures for yourself and your partners! 

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Part One covers an introduction to some basics of how to find and buy the best toys for you.  In this episode I then focus on sex toys marketed for women.  I recommend this for anyone who has a vulva or plays with someone with a vulva as you may want to understand what you or your partner may like! This is all about experimenting, getting to know your body and your pleasure, and of course having fun!

Part Two will focus on Toys for Men and for couples. 

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In Episode 7 I talked about reconnecting with pleasure and giving yourself permission to have pleasure in your life as a way to start re-connecting with your sexual self in a non-sexual way.  Now in this Episode (#8) I talk about different ways to deepen that exploration to get more comfortable in your body and see what turns you on sexually.  I truly believe that feeling great sexually (whether by yourself or with a partner) begins with you knowing yourself and what you like.

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Sometimes you go through phases where you're not having sex, possibly even longer than a phase. Or where there has been significant changes in your life and you are no longer experiencing sex and pleasure the same way.  In this episode Dr. Alisa talks about how to take a step back and learn  to connect with your basic sense of pleasure as a first step to reconnect with the sexual part  of yourself.

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Did you know that men on average orgasm during sexual encounters and intercourse far more frequently than women?  Statistics often show a difference of as much 40% more.  This wide gap is often referred to as THE ORGASM GAP.  In this episode Dr. Alisa Kriegel talks about possible causes for these differences and more importantly, explores ways in which we can start to close the gap! 
Share with your partner or with friends!
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Shame is something that comes up a lot with regards to sex. We all have our own stories that bring up feelings of shame and judgment toward ourself and sometimes toward others.  It often comes from our own discomfort as well as from the messages we have heard.  In this episode Dr. Alisa Kriegel shares some stories, including the one that inspired her to start this podcast.  She also recommends  ways for you to let go of the shame and  create more pleasure and positivity around sex in your life!