Live IFS

By Internal Family Systems SessionsHealth & Fitness Mental Health

Live IFS episodes

April 13, 2023 210: Jo A. revisits
🔸 "It has to be 100%": judgmental / insistent on Jo having a particular meditation practice.
Afraid if we don’t get it right the monster will come… Leads us to a sleeping baby.
And here is Dick Schwartz on Tolle: https://youtu.be/pplRt2OA8N4?t=957

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
Why Jo week? Because these calls are 6+ months old, and I also I felt I was not bringing the curiosity and compassion that she and this project deserve. These conversations aren't a good representation of my current work or relationship with her. And the old microphone!
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54 min
April 11, 2023209: Justine A. revisits
🔸 "Reveling in her fury", an unburdening. Seems we have (enough) trust from the sharp thinker, the cynic, the fear.
🔹 Part (Location, Fear, Rather be doing, Age, Needs):
Exile: "I can't do it". Hopeless, resigned, aching, flat.

Age 7-8

"Hard to grow up in my family. Had to stop caring, feeling, expecting."

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
Didn't have the explicit permission from all protectors in this convo, but we had touched base with each of them repeatedly throughout others.
Re: Screaming at parents, I had my concerns that this could be re-living instead of re-doing, but Justine confirmed it felt right.
Witnessing mom's pain, that's *external* family systems. Yes, only do what's right for this exile and this relationship.
Bookmarking the "lonely and abandoned" 2-3 year old.
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1 hr 9 min
April 09, 2023208: Mio A. revisits (Wrong order, should go before 202)
🔸 Making space for the exile. Slow is fast.
🔹 Part (Location, Fear, Rather be doing, Age, Needs):
"Don't take it away from me, leave me empty"

Needs space and to be seen. Afraid to share true wants, ferocity

Almost invisible

The black kettle. The bottom of the well.

Believes she's not deserving, selfish, not wanted, ugly, untouchable.

Suppressing hunger, wants.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
My language around witnessing, I could have been more directive. But exile wanted space, better safe than sorry.
Mio used the T-word with me, later I checked with her to make sure she knows I'm not a therapist.
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1 hr 20 min
April 07, 2023207: Daniel A. revisits
🔸 As many parts, but now one at a time.
🔹 Part (Location, Fear, Rather be doing, Age, Needs):
The caretaker

Self hate and anger “stand up for yourself”
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1 hr 4 min
April 05, 2023 206: Rosie A. revisits
🔸 "I'm not ok with me". Rosie shares 2 techniques she's discovered for connecting with exiles.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
We planned to just chat today, maybe not do IFS. Only the "IFS" part of that conversation is being published.
I think we both walked away with some disappointment or frustration about the rest of it, and I'm concerned that will interfere with our ability to work together. I'm sorry, Rosie.
The lesson is one I keep having to learn: don't mix business and pleasure. If my mission is to learn IFS and help people with their parts work, then "just chatting" with callers can only jeopardize that. Professionals know this, and it's a fundamental standard that I shouldn't disregard.
I do believe in peer work, and that everyone could benefit from IFS! Therapeutic relationships can exist outside of a therapist's office, of course. But for me now, there's "get good at IFS" and then there's "everything else", and I need to limit everything else as much as possible.
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26 min
April 03, 2023 205: Olivia A. revisits
🔸 Productivity, distraction, the burden of being too much, a bullet in the heart. What is fun? What is love? Attention, listening, cringe, the feeling of invasion when a mother is "lovey". And Jerry.
Also Olivia has been texting me to check in every day for about 15 days as of this writing. Something new!

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
Testing the possibility of connection, hope, without suggesting the usual process of unburdening first felt edgy. Maybe, in a way, I wanted to evoke the parts I sensed but which hadn't revealed themselves, the "cringe". The bookmark: witnessing that feeling of invasion. Love is listening.

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1 hr 29 min
April 01, 2023 204: Justine A. revisits
🔸 The familiar knot in the solar-plexus, the binging firefighters, the skeptic "this is all made up, don't trust your intuition", the busy thinking mind, big and sharp, the fear of going too fast to the knot, the fear of the busy thinker, only a child after all, the caretaker (3rd person), guarded and nervous "you'll fuck it up", and overwhelm at the vastness of such a system.
All sounds normal to me!
*Use the link at bottom of show notes to find your ACE score!

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
What I meant by "envious" was like, "I wish I could go back and experience that." Those early days of being walloped by the depth and power and potential of it all!

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53 min
March 30, 2023203: Rachel A. revisits
🔸 Begin again. A focused conversation, starting with targeting an exile "not good enough".

🔹 Part (Location, Fear, Rather be doing, Age, Needs):
Anger

Afraid of being walked on, of "not good enough" of "not having a voice".

Thinks Rachel is 12

Needs her to go slow, to be with it constantly (not wait till it's triggered), to hold its hand, and to listen to a lot more that it has to share.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
If I sounded impatient at end of call, it was more concern that I didnt know how else to say it, we had already been on the phone for 70 mins. It's not frustration, so much as "I'm out of time". I've been realizing lately that the "will you do it?" discussion at the end is often with a manager and not the Self. I'm working on it.

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1 hr 10 min
March 28, 2023202: Mio A. revisits (Wrong order, should go after 208)
🔸 The caretaker and associates have been pushed to their limits. We finish what we started with that exile.

🔹 Part (Location, Fear, Rather be doing, Age, Needs):
The exile age 6 & 9 & 13 & 17...

Torn between the longing to be taken care of, and the fear that if it falls into that softness, it will lose everything and be judged.

Shame, pain, loneliness, desperation, fury, and being misunderstood

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
I started with "any parts?" to gauge Mio's connection with the exile from before, but I was prepared to bring it up if she didn't. I almost stopped a few times regarding the intro/context; even thought of mentioning it after. But I trust that the point I wanted to demonstrate will become evident. I didn't put (much) language to it, but found it interesting that the exile was concerned about being shown to the world, considering the influence of the story-teller. I chose to skip "how will you stay in touch..." because this particular exile has been ever-present. And because I'm feeling ambivalent about the usefulness of that prompting. With all callers, I think maybe 4 out of 5 times it invokes manager parts, kicking us out of the sacred space, and may imply a different relationship from the type I would like to build with them. They're not published yet, but Olivia's and Justine's journeys explore this topic more (in very different ways).
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1 hr 18 min
March 26, 2023 201: Daniel A. revisits
🔸 Parts we may have bypassed: The caretaker, keeping other feelings from being overwhelmed. "When I allowed it to express it anger, it got much more honest"

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
Sorry dear listener, I didn't mean fuck *you*, I meant fuck the *concept* that there is an audience to please. I was just trying to make a point to Daniel's "need to entertain" part, that catering to listeners detracts from catering to parts. Our work and safety come first. Calls aren't live-streamed. So, when someone brings up the listeners, I want to remind them that there literally are none in that moment.
I intend to do more focused targeting with Daniel in the future. We keep trying to juggle 5+ parts at once and like I said during the call, even if he can keep up with all that, I can't.
-----
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59 min