Loving BDSM

Kayla Lords talks about a special feature of her D/s relationship with John Brownstone – the Tough Love clause. It’s what allows her to “tell” her Daddy Dominant what she thinks he needs to do in tough or stressful situations. In their 24/7 relationship, he always has the last word but the Tough Love clause gives her the freedom to speak her mind when what she has to say may be less than popular – without being seen as disrespectful.
From this episode:

* The Tough Love clause was part of the renegotiations when Kayla and John moved in together.
* Dominants work hard to take care of their submissive, especially when a submissive may resist the help.
* How can a submissive help a Dominant in the same way? Kayla’s idea: the Tough Love clause.
* The Tough Love clause allows a submissive to tell a Dominant hard truths about their care and well-being.
* She asked, he agreed.
* It comes down to trust.
* The Tough Love clause is used only as necessary

* His sister’s death: Lessons Learned from Grief, Chaos, and Love
* Medical issues
* Work and life stress


* The Tough Love clause isn’t nagging, harping, or making someone feel bad. It’s done out of love but must be used carefully.
* Ultimately, the decision remains his.
* Kayla wants to know – do you have a similar “clause” in your D/s relationship? If not, will you consider it now? Drop her a line to let her know!

As always, if you have a question or topic suggestion for a future episode, feel free to contact Kayla or John directly.
Scroll down for full transcript.
Full Transcript
You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 9. Today, I’m going to share something from our D/s relationship called the Tough Love clause. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you! If you’re back for another week, welcome back! Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords. And stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes. Now, let’s get into the show.
When John Brownstone and I first moved in together, June of 2014 in case you wondered, we had a lot of discussions about how our relationship would change. We’d been doing the long distance D/s thing for well over a year, and we knew living together would change almost everything.
Living apart meant that we could – usually – show our best selves to each other. Even if we were having a bad day, we could perk up for a phone call or two. But what would it be like when we lived together and would see every minute detail – the good, the bad, and the ugly?
As you can imagine, we discussed rules, tasks, routines, expectations. Any decent Dominant takes the care and well-being of his or her submissive very seriously. They’re trying to build us up to become all that we can be – both in kinky and non-kinky ways. Sometimes that comes in the form of tough love – making us take care of ourselves, making us deal with issues we’d rather ignore, making us face demons instead of hide away from them.
But something bothered me in these discussions. I wanted all of that and more from John Brownstone,

Kayla Lords discusses that moment when taking care of your Dominant makes you feel less submissive because you’re in charge of so much. It’s all about perception, and it may require thinking about what you’re doing in a different way.

From this episode:

* Kayla doesn’t always feel submissive even when she’s taking care of John Brownstone

* John Brownstone’s dental surgery and recovery required a different type of submission.

* Almost none of the tasks mentioned in the previous episode could be done: Tasks in a D/s Relationship

* Although there was one morning when he felt up for some kinky fuckery: My Turn

* Kayla began to spiral into a submissive freak-out – unhelpful since John Brownstone was in no shape to give her a much needed re-set.

* Taking care of your Dominant might make you feel like you’re in charge. It’s simply a different way to serve.

* If what you’re doing is helpful – and your Dominant allows it – you’re being more submissive than you realize.

* Dominants may seem super-human but they need someone to tell them what to do – like taking their medication or going to the doctor – from time to time.

* If your actions help your Dominant, you’re just as submissive as when you’re naked, tied up, and at their mercy.

Feel free to send any questions or topic suggestions to Kayla Lords or John Brownstone. We’ll reply to you directly and protect your identity if we use your question or suggestion in an upcoming episode.

Listen on YouTube

Scroll down for full transcript.

Full Transcript

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 8. Today, let’s talk about feeling less submissive when you’re taking care of your Dominant in different ways. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, welcome! We don’t bite, unless you’re into that sort of thing. If you’re back for another week, welcome back! So glad we didn’t scare you away. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords. And stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes. Now, let’s get into the show.

I have a confession to make. No, it’s nothing big like, I stole a pen from the bank or I took a penny but didn’t leave a penny. This is a bit different. Sometimes, when I’m charging through life, taking care of shit at home, I don’t feel very submissive.

Let me elaborate. In my professional life, I’m very much in control and I like it that way. But at home, with John Brownstone, there are times when I feel like I have too much control in a situation – and I don’t love it because I feel less submissive.

But it’s really a matter of perception.

Here’s an example, and I have no doubt it’s common to any long-term D/s relationship.

Daddy had dental surgery a week ago. The first day or so, he needed help with everything. Taking a shower, getting something to eat, remembering to take his medication.

Kayla Lords discusses that moment when taking care of your Dominant makes you feel less submissive because you’re in charge of so much. It’s all about perception, and it may require thinking about what you’re doing in a different way.
From this episode:

* Kayla doesn’t always feel submissive even when she’s taking care of John Brownstone
* John Brownstone’s dental surgery and recovery required a different type of submission.
* Almost none of the tasks mentioned in the previous episode could be done: Tasks in a D/s Relationship

* Although there was one morning when he felt up for some kinky fuckery: My Turn


* Kayla began to spiral into a submissive freak-out – unhelpful since John Brownstone was in no shape to give her a much needed re-set.
* Taking care of your Dominant might make you feel like you’re in charge. It’s simply a different way to serve.
* If what you’re doing is helpful – and your Dominant allows it – you’re being more submissive than you realize.
* Dominants may seem super-human but they need someone to tell them what to do – like taking their medication or going to the doctor – from time to time.
* If your actions help your Dominant, you’re just as submissive as when you’re naked, tied up, and at their mercy.

Feel free to send any questions or topic suggestions to Kayla Lords or John Brownstone. We’ll reply to you directly and protect your identity if we use your question or suggestion in an upcoming episode.
Scroll down for full transcript.
Full Transcript
You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 8. Today, let’s talk about feeling less submissive when you’re taking care of your Dominant in different ways. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, welcome! We don’t bite, unless you’re into that sort of thing. If you’re back for another week, welcome back! So glad we didn’t scare you away. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords. And stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes. Now, let’s get into the show.
I have a confession to make. No, it’s nothing big like, I stole a pen from the bank or I took a penny but didn’t leave a penny. This is a bit different. Sometimes, when I’m charging through life, taking care of shit at home, I don’t feel very submissive.
Let me elaborate. In my professional life, I’m very much in control and I like it that way. But at home, with John Brownstone, there are times when I feel like I have too much control in a situation – and I don’t love it because I feel less submissive.
But it’s really a matter of perception.
Here’s an example, and I have no doubt it’s common to any long-term D/s relationship.
Daddy had dental surgery a week ago. The first day or so, he needed help with everything. Taking a shower, getting something to eat, remembering to take his medication. It wasn’t a hard job because he mostly slept. But it left me almost as exhausted as he was.
A couple days later,

Kayla Lords hosts this week’s episode, and it’s her longest solo show to date. She spends nearly 20 minutes discussing her tasks as a submissive in a D/s relationship.

While there are no “correct” tasks that Dominants should assign to any submissive, it’s good to understand that whatever task a submissive has may serve multiple purposes – even if that purpose is simply to please a Dominant partner.

From the show:

* Follow Kayla on Twitter (@KaylaLords) and stalk John Brownstone at this site (Southern Sirs Place)

* This week’s episode inspired by a task John Brownstone set for himself, thanks to friend and listener, Lizzy.

* All tasks Dominants give to their submissives are unique but most can be classified in multiple ways.

* Kayla’s tasks are categorized into the tasks that serve him, the tasks that serve her, the tasks that push boundaries, and the sexy, kinky tasks.

* Some tasks are temporary while others are on-going.

* Many tasks can be done in public or around children because they aren’t sexual.

* Most of the tasks that serve his needs are domestic: making lunch, preparing coffee, etc.

* The tasks that serve her needs are good for her health and well-being: exercise, healthy eating, not working too much.

* The tasks that push boundaries have actually made her freak out: Submission Can Be Hard or He Pushed My Boundaries and I Freaked Out

* The sexy tasks have inspired quite a few posts over time:

* When She Kneels For Me (John Brownstone added a recording at the end, too!)

* My Mind Swirls While My Body Remembers (a post about punching – not as scary as it sounds)

* What happens when tasks aren’t completed correctly – a freakout by Kayla and (sometimes) a punishment to fit the “crime”

* The key to changing, adding, removing, or requesting new tasks is always communication.

* Dominants need to let submissives know their plans and listen to what their submissive thinks

* Submissives have a responsibility to let their Dominants know if there’s a problem that is interfering with tasks. Don’t be a superhero and power through if it’s bad for your health but also don’t feel like a failure if something doesn’t get done the way you think it should.

* The episode ends with John Brownstone completing his own special task – a song for the listeners, requested by Lizzy.

Listen on YouTube

For those who can’t listen to the podcast for any particular reason, scroll down to read the full transcript. 

Full Transcript

You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 7. Today, let’s talk about the tasks that submissives do for their Dominants – and they are as varied as you can imagine. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, welcome! We don’t bite, unless you’re into that sort of thing. If you’re back for another week, welcome back! So glad we didn’t scare you away. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinkst...

Kayla Lords hosts this week’s episode, and it’s her longest solo show to date. She spends nearly 20 minutes discussing her tasks as a submissive in a D/s relationship.
While there are no “correct” tasks that Dominants should assign to any submissive, it’s good to understand that whatever task a submissive has may serve multiple purposes – even if that purpose is simply to please a Dominant partner.
From the show:

* Follow Kayla on Twitter (@KaylaLords) and stalk John Brownstone at this site (Southern Sirs Place)
* This week’s episode inspired by a task John Brownstone set for himself, thanks to friend and listener, Lizzy.
* All tasks Dominants give to their submissives are unique but most can be classified in multiple ways.

* Kayla’s tasks are categorized into the tasks that serve him, the tasks that serve her, the tasks that push boundaries, and the sexy, kinky tasks.


* Some tasks are temporary while others are on-going.
* Many tasks can be done in public or around children because they aren’t sexual.
* Most of the tasks that serve his needs are domestic: making lunch, preparing coffee, etc.
* The tasks that serve her needs are good for her health and well-being: exercise, healthy eating, not working too much.
* The tasks that push boundaries have actually made her freak out: Submission Can Be Hard or He Pushed My Boundaries and I Freaked Out
* The sexy tasks have inspired quite a few posts over time:

* When She Kneels For Me (John Brownstone added a recording at the end, too!)
* My Mind Swirls While My Body Remembers (a post about punching – not as scary as it sounds)


* What happens when tasks aren’t completed correctly – a freakout by Kayla and (sometimes) a punishment to fit the “crime”
* The key to changing, adding, removing, or requesting new tasks is always communication.
* Dominants need to let submissives know their plans and listen to what their submissive thinks
* Submissives have a responsibility to let their Dominants know if there’s a problem that is interfering with tasks. Don’t be a superhero and power through if it’s bad for your health but also don’t feel like a failure if something doesn’t get done the way you think it should.
* The episode ends with John Brownstone completing his own special task – a song for the listeners, requested by Lizzy.

For those who can’t listen to the podcast for any particular reason, scroll down to read the full transcript. 
Full Transcript
You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 7. Today, let’s talk about the tasks that submissives do for their Dominants – and they are as varied as you can imagine. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, welcome! We don’t bite, unless you’re into that sort of thing. If you’re back for another week, welcome back! So glad we didn’t scare you away. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes to help other kinksters find us! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords. And stalk John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.

Hosted by both Kayla Lords and John Brownstone, episode six of Loving BDSM focuses on making the switch from a D/s to Daddy Dom/little dynamic.

Many submissives admit to recognizing themselves in the descriptions of littles or babygirls, but say that the Daddy Dom/little (or Mommy/little) dynamic isn’t for them. No, this type of relationship isn’t for everyone, but it doesn’t have to be scary, creepy, or “icky” either. In this episode, we talk about how our thinking changed and then our relationship, making it better than ever.

In this episode:

* Together at last!

* This week’s was episode inspired by feedback from some of Kayla’s articles: Being a Daddy or Little Isn’t About Children

* Misconceptions and lack of knowledge about what being a Daddy or little mean

* How it felt to hear “Daddy” and “babygirl” for the first time

* What being a Daddy means to John

* What being a babygirl means to Kayla

* Don’t worry about labels. All that matters is what feels right for your relationship

Listen on YouTube

Abbreviated Transcript

John Brownstone had much more to stay than this transcript shows. This is from the script we began with. The actual discussion was a bit more involved. If we can ever find a transcription person or program that we can afford, I will update this for you.

KAYLA: You’re listening to Loving BDSM podcast: episode 6. Today, we’re discussing changing dynamics within your D/s relationship. Hey, everybody. Kayla Lords here along with, OMG guess who – John Brownstone! Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, then thanks for coming. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and show notes are found at kaylalords.com. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite RSS feed or iTunes. If you love what you hear, we’d love a good review on iTunes! You can follow me on Twitter @KaylaLords. And visit John Brownstone at southernsirsplace.com. All links are in the show notes. Now, let’s get into the show.

Both John Brownstone – who I’m going to start calling Daddy in this episode or I might start twitching and foaming at the mouth – and I receive questions from kinksters all the time. Most of the time, it’s submissives asking if this thing or that thing in their relationship is okay or normal. But lately, I’ve been hearing from more and more people, again, typically submissives, who are reading articles I’ve written or shared from other writers on being in a Daddy and little relationship. They thank me for reassuring them it’s normal or tell me stories about how they felt like a crazy person and are glad to know the Daddy/little – or in my case, babygirl thing is completely normal and has nothing to do with little kids.

KAYLA: So today, for our first podcast episode together (and OMG, it makes me want to squee that we’re talking to you together like this), we thought we’d talk more in depth about making the switch from our own original dynamic, when he was Sir and I was pet, to where we’re at now, Daddy and babygirl.

Okay, Daddy, you go first. What did you think of the whole Daddy Dom/little thing at first?

JOHN B.: Well I wasn’t sure what to think at first as it was not something I thought about as a dynamic. My previous D/s was more of a Sir and pet with hints of Gor sprinkled in. The first thought that came to mind was role playing and even thoughts of a sugar daddy were what I thought of.

KAYLA: Were you afraid of anything in particular about the dynamic, Daddy?

JOHN B.: I think the main thing I was afraid of when this aspect of being a Daddy was...