Do you worry that your desires make you “too much”?

Like wanting more connection, more honesty, or more love means something is wrong with you?

You're not broken—you’re just becoming.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m getting all the way real about the internalized guilt so many of us carry when we crave “more” in our relationships. More connection. More truth. More you. And especially inside non-monogamy, where wanting more can trigger every insecurity we’ve ever inherited from monogamy culture.

🔍 We’re unpacking:

• Why wanting more doesn’t make you greedy—it makes you honest
• The myth of being “enough” in non-monogamy and why it’s total B.S.
• How monogamous conditioning gaslights our desire and shrinks our relationships
• What “enough” actually means—and why it’s YOUR definition that matters
• Why non-monogamy isn’t inherently chaotic (but support + tools matter)
• How to let go of the shame and build relationships that are truthful, not performative

✨ If you’ve been asking yourself, “Am I selfish for wanting more?” or “Would they still want others if I were enough?”—this one’s for you. And spoiler: no, you're not selfish. You're self-aware.

Mentioned in this episode:

👉 My 3-month coaching program Breaking Free From Monogamy—for folks ready to stop surviving and start creating love on your terms. Learn more at elleciapaine.com

If this episode made your heart exhale…

➡️ Leave a review.

➡️ Share it with someone who needs to hear it.

➡️ Or DM me on Instagram @elleciapaine and tell me what hit.

Because you’re not too much. You’re just ready to stop pretending crumbs are enough.

And that? That’s the beginning of something real.

Send us a text

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

So your mind gets polyamory—you’ve read the books, done the therapy, had the late-night conversations. But your body? It’s still freaking out when your partner goes on a date. Welcome to the nervous system’s opinion on non-monogamy.

In this deeply validating and often hilarious conversation, I’m joined by Dedeker Winston (co-host of the Multiamory podcast) and Orit Krug, a licensed dance/movement therapist, to talk about why your nervous system might not be as on board with polyamory as your prefrontal cortex is—and what you can actually do about it.

We cover:

• Why jealousy can’t be “talked out of”
• How trauma shows up in open relationships (even years later)
• Why somatic therapy works when your brain hits a wall
• What healing in community really looks like (spoiler: it’s not group sobbing, but it is a little weird)
• A behind-the-scenes look at their upcoming somatic retreat for polyamorous folks in Spain

Whether you’re solo poly, partnered, in a polycule, or still figuring it out—this episode is a must-listen if you want more ease, embodiment, and nervous system support in your non-monogamous journey.

💌 Learn more about the retreat:

👉 https://multiamory.com/retreat

September 22–25, 2025 | Northern Spain | Sliding scale available

Send us a text

Retreat in Spain - Learn more and apply at multiamory.com/retreat

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

What actually happens at sex-positive events? Cuddle parties? Consent circles? Erotic service? 👀 In this episode of Nope! We're Not Monogamous, I sit down with Jamie Love, Executive Director of Sex Positive World, to talk about the radical, healing, and totally human side of building sex-positive community.

We cover:

• How to start a sex-positive space or community near you
• What consent really looks like (hint: it’s not just “yes or no”)
• Erotic service, safer sex talks, and the power of devotional touch
• What to expect at events like cuddle parties, massage-a-trois, and self-pleasure circles
• Jamie’s relationship style: when your community is your primary partner
• The truth about creating spaces that are inclusive, beginner-friendly, and deeply transformative
• And what’s coming up at Polytopia 2025—Portland’s conference for polyamorous people, where I’ll be a featured speaker!

If you’re curious about non-monogamy, ethical sluthood, radical consent, or how to make friends (and maybe lovers) outside the mainstream—this episode is for you.

🔗 LEARN MORE
👉 Sex Positive World: https://www.sexpositiveworld.org
👉 Polytopia Conference: https://www.sexpositiveportland.org/polytopia-2025
👉 Jamie Love on Instagram: https://instagram.com/jamielove_pdx
👉 Support the show + get bonus content: https://patreon.com/notmonogamous
👉 Learn more about me: https://www.elleciapaine.com

Send us a text

Retreat in Spain - Learn more and apply at multiamory.com/retreat

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Feeling like the “easy one” in your polycule?
Always chill, never the squeaky wheel?
This episode is your permission slip to stop shrinking for connection.

We’re breaking down what it means to disappear inside non-monogamy, why boundaries aren’t selfish, and how to recognize when your emotional self-silencing isn’t maturity—it’s survival.

👉 Topics covered:

• What emotional self-abandonment looks like in Ethical Non Monogamy
• How "being chill" becomes a trap
• The difference between inclusion and being held
• Real stories from non-monogamous clients + my own experience
• Why you don’t need to squeak louder to get greased
• The truth about interdependence vs codependence

💬 If you’ve been wondering:
 “Why do I feel invisible in my relationship?”
 “Am I bad at polyamory?”
 “Do my needs even matter here?”

This conversation is for you.

🔔 Subscribe for more honest, nuanced, and no-BS conversations about ethical non-monogamy, boundaries, and becoming your whole self in love.

👇 Ready to take up space in your relationships?

Send us a text

Retreat in Spain - Learn more and apply at multiamory.com/retreat

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Are you having the same fight over and over in your non-monogamous relationship—and wondering why nothing ever changes?

You’re not broken. You’re in a pattern. And until you understand what’s underneath that pattern, it’ll keep showing up again and again.

In this episode, we’re diving into trauma loops—how they form, why they’re especially common in non-monogamous relationships, and how to start breaking the cycle for good.

💥 Whether you're navigating jealousy, communication breakdowns, or emotional overwhelm, this episode will help you:

• Spot the signs of a trauma loop
• Understand how your subconscious is running the show
• Use clarity as your North Star to shift patterns
• Explore tools that regulate, reconnect, and reset your emotional responses
• Learn why support accelerates healing—and how to find the right kind

Send us a text

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

You’re not broken. You just never learned how to say the hard thing without burning everything down.

In this episode, I’m sharing how to actually talk about the uncomfortable stuff in non-monogamy—without losing your shit or starting a relationship wildfire.

Whether you're afraid of hurting someone, scared to be misunderstood, or just tired of swallowing your truth, this is your starting point for braver, clearer communication.

What you’ll learn:

→ How to understand your silence survival pattern

→ The exact steps to prep for hard conversations

→ Why blurting is not the same as honesty

→ The “truth sandwich” that isn’t manipulative

→ How to handle defensiveness and emotional shutdowns

→ What to say when it all goes sideways (and why repair = magic)

You deserve relationships where the truth can live—and still be loved.

👇 Grab the free guide:

Let’s Talk About It: Your Guide to Ethically Non-Monogamous Conversations

[https://elleciapaine.podia.com/conversations]

Send us a text

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

What happens when you go from 26 years in a sexless marriage… to a full-blown sexual awakening in your 50s? This week, I’m joined by Xanet Pailet — a former healthcare lawyer turned tantra teacher, somatic sex coach, and the author of Living an Orgasmic Life.

We’re talking about:

• How she went from disconnected and dissociated… to having the best sex of her life in her 60s
• Why pleasure is your birthright (and what to do if that feels impossible right now)
• Why communication matters more than rules — and what healthy sex agreements can actually look like
• How trauma, disconnection, and shame keep people stuck in unsatisfying sex lives
• Xanet’s year-long throuple experience (including a very helpful metamour 👀)
• How to figure out what you want in non-monogamy, even if it’s not what your partner wants
• What to do when pleasure feels really far away

If you’ve ever felt broken, stuck, or too late for good sex and real intimacy — this one is gonna hit. There’s so much wisdom here for midlife lovers, non-monogamous folks, and anyone healing their relationship to pleasure.

🔗 Links + Resources:
Get Xanet’s free gift: 10 Ways to Reignite Your Relationship
Book a private retreat with Xanet: passionateintimacyretreats.com
Follow us on Patreon for bonus content like “Just the Tip”: patreon.com/notmonogamous

🎧 Listen now and let yourself feel what’s possible.

Send us a text

Retreat in Spain - Learn more and apply at multiamory.com/retreat

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Tired of misunderstandings, silent resentment, or agreements that leave you feeling unseen?

In this episode, we unpack the real difference between collaboration and compromise—and how building intentional, values-based agreements in non-monogamy can transform your relationships.

💬 Because assuming = conflict waiting to happen.
💛 Collaboration = connection, clarity, and care.

What You’ll Learn:

✔️ Why Assumptions Create Emotional Landmines
And how to avoid them with clear, compassionate communication.

✔️ The Difference Between True Collaboration & Self-Sacrifice
Spoiler: Giving up what matters to you isn’t love—it’s burnout waiting to happen.

✔️ 5 Practical Steps to Create Solid Agreements
From identifying shared values to scheduling regular check-ins that actually work.

✔️ How Cultural Conditioning Shapes Our Agreements
Learn to spot and dismantle the “martyr mindset” many of us were raised with.

✔️ Real Stories, Real Struggles, Real Solutions
Hear personal and client experiences where agreement-making went wrong—and how they turned it around.

Whether you're just opening your relationship or years into non-monogamy…

This episode will give you tools to stop guessing, start asking, and co-create a love that honors everyone involved.

Send us a text

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Do you ever feel like you’re doing everything right in your open or polyamorous relationship—and yet still crumble inside the moment your partner connects with someone else? 

In this honest and unfiltered episode, I explore what real self-love looks like in non-monogamous relationships—especially when comparison, jealousy, and insecurity hit hard. 

🎙️We talk about:

• Why affirmations fail when your body’s in panic mode
• How comparison is actually a survival response
• Patriarchal conditioning + why it fuels competition
• What real self-love looks like when you feel triggered
• How to support your nervous system when jealousy hits

💜 Want to go deeper?

Join Beyond Compare—my 4-week group coaching program for non-monogamous women who are ready to stop spiraling and start feeling safe, confident, and grounded.

🕓 Starts May 28 | Early bird ends soon
👉 https://www.elleciapaine.com/compare

Send us a text

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

What happens when a long-term couple invites a third person into their relationship—and it doesn’t go as planned?

In this raw and revealing episode, I sit down with six-time Emmy-nominated TV producer Jeff Hudson to talk about his memoir Deconstructing Us: My Trouble with a Throuple. Jeff shares what it was like to navigate the emotional rollercoaster of a throuple, how jealousy blindsided him, and why non-monogamy cracked him wide open—in the best and worst ways.

We explore:

• Why three-person relationships are emotional rocket fuel
• How jealousy shows up even when you're experienced in open relationships
• The difference between love and compatibility
• Identity shifts that come with loving outside the box
• Why breakdowns in love can lead to breakthroughs in self-awareness

Whether you're polyam-curious, actively non-monogamous, or just fascinated by the complexity of modern love—this conversation will challenge and expand how you think about commitment, identity, and connection.

📘 Grab Jeff’s book: "Deconstructing Us: My Trouble with a Throuple", available now on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
 

Send us a text

Retreat in Spain - Learn more and apply at multiamory.com/retreat

https://elleciapaine.com/call

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237