What is it actually like to grow up in a polyamorous family?

There are plenty of opinions about how non-monogamy affects children, but very few of those opinions come from people who actually lived it.

In this re-released episode of Nope, We're Not Monogamous, I sit down with educator, author, and activist Koe Creation, who grew up in a polyamorous family and now helps people navigate conversations around relationships, gender, sexuality, and chosen family.

Together we explore what childhood was really like, how parents can create emotionally safe homes, and why honesty, trust, and communication matter so much more than whether your relationships fit traditional expectations.

We also talk about navigating judgment from the outside world, introducing partners to children, "meta parents," and the importance of giving kids age-appropriate information without making relationships feel secret or shameful.

Whether you're already raising children in a non-monogamous family, considering opening your relationship, or simply curious about what healthy alternative family structures can look like, this conversation offers a thoughtful perspective that challenges many of the assumptions our culture still holds.

In this episode we discuss:

• What it was like growing up in a polyamorous family
• How children experience non-monogamy differently than adults often assume
• Talking with kids about relationships in age-appropriate ways
• Creating emotional safety through honesty instead of secrecy
• Navigating schools, extended family, and social stigma
• The role of chosen family and "meta parents"
• Why communication matters more than family structure
• The Platinum Rule: treating people the way they want to be treated
• What today's media still gets wrong about polyamory

Timestamps

00:00 Why people misunderstand polyamorous families

01:25 Meet Koe Creation

06:00 Choosing non-monogamy for yourself

12:30 Growing up outside traditional family structures

21:50 Privacy, secrecy, and navigating the outside world

28:50 Talking to children about non-monogamy

40:00 The Platinum Rule and healthier relationships

51:00 Representation, media, and the future of polyamorous families

Connect with Koe Creation

Website: https://www.koecreation.com

X/Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/koecreation

Books Mentioned

This Heart Holds Many: My Life as the Non-Binary Millennial of a Polyamorous Family by Koe Creation

Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá

❤️ If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave a review, or share it with someone who could use a little reassurance that there are many ways to build a loving family.

If you're navigating jealousy, opening a relationship, or trying to create healthier, more secure connections, you can book a free Clarity Chat with me at elleciapaine.com/chat.

About the Podcast

Nope, We're Not Monogamous explores the real lives of people creating love outside traditional relationship structures. Every week we have honest conversations about ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, open relationships, attachment, communication, sexuality, and building relationships that feel authentic instead of automatic.

Hosted by relationship coach Ellecia Paine.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Some conversations are simply too good to leave in the archives.

This week I'm re-releasing one of my favorite early episodes with my dear friend, Wilder. Even years later, this conversation feels just as relevant. We dive into what it actually looks like to build a life outside of traditional relationship norms, from joining an already-married couple to creating a thriving polyamorous family together.

Wilder shares her experience of living in a closed triad, navigating the assumptions people make about triads, unpacking monogamous conditioning, and raising children in a loving, intentional polyamorous household.

Whether you're curious about polyamory, already practicing ethical non-monogamy, or simply interested in questioning the relationship scripts we've all inherited, this conversation is full of honesty, vulnerability, and hope.

Wilder lives in Olalla with her partners, their children, and an ever-growing collection of chickens, ducks, adventures, and beautiful chaos.

In This Episode

•  What a closed triad actually is - and what people often misunderstand about them 
•  Why labels can be helpful...and where they can become limiting 
•  The emotional journey of transitioning from monogamy to polyamory 
•  Authenticity, self-love, and creating relationships that fit who you really are 
•  Unlearning monogamous programming 
•  Navigating jealousy with curiosity instead of fear 
•  Raising children in a polyamorous family 
•  Imagining new possibilities for love, family, and partnership 
•  The difference between control and trust 
•  Choosing authenticity over societal expectations 

Timestamps

2:19 – What is a closed triad?

4:20 – Labels and identity

8:24 – Transitioning into polyamory

15:03 – Authenticity and self-love

18:59 – Monogamous programming and triad dynamics

33:24 – Jealousy

44:49 – Raising kids in a polyamorous family

52:44 – The possibilities of the future

54:41 – Control versus trust

1:00:08 – Living authentically

If you enjoyed this conversation, I'd love for you to share it with someone who's questioning the relationship "rules" they've always been taught. Every time we hear real stories from real people, it becomes a little easier to imagine that there are many ways to build a loving, connected life.

❤️ Thanks for listening to Nope, We're Not Monogamous.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Most conversations about non-monogamy focus on opening a relationship, navigating jealousy, or finding new partners.

But what happens after that?

How do you navigate a polycule where relationships are constantly evolving? How do you manage different expectations, conflicting needs, shifting priorities, and the very human reality that not everyone connects in the same way?

In this episode of Nope! We're Not Monogamous, I'm joined by Red DeRooy and Stacey Smith?, co-authors of Nonmonogamy and Group Dynamics, to explore what it really takes to build healthy relationship communities.

We talk about why polycules function more like communities than relationship structures, how many of the skills you already use in friendships can help you navigate non-monogamy, and why curiosity is often more valuable than certainty.

Whether you're part of a large polycule, have close metamour relationships, or are simply trying to build stronger connections with the people you love, this conversation is packed with practical insights.

In this episode, we discuss:

• Why romantic groups function differently than one-on-one relationships
• How to manage different expectations without unnecessary conflict
• The difference between fairness and equality in non-monogamy
• Why communication starts with knowing what to talk about
• Managing conflict without destabilizing an entire polycule
• Why every relationship is still built one connection at a time
• The importance of one-on-one connection, even within group relationships
• Different approaches to metamour relationships and why there isn't one "right" way
• Building found family and community through non-monogamy
• Navigating breakups with compassion and preserving meaningful connections
• The surprising relationship skills you probably already have

One of my favorite moments from this conversation was the reminder that most of us already know more than we think we do.

You've probably navigated friendship groups, family conflict, difficult conversations, changing relationships, and competing needs long before practicing non-monogamy. Those same skills are often the foundation for creating thriving polycules.

Connect with Stacey and Red - Grab a copy of Nonmonogamy and Group Dynamics wherever books are sold, including audiobook format.

💜 Interested in one-on-one coaching?
Book a Clarity Chat:
https://elleciapaine.com

Enjoying the podcast?

If this episode helped you, please:

⭐ Leave a rating and review

🎙 Subscribe so you never miss an episode

📲 Share this episode with a friend or partner who's navigating non-monogamy

Your support helps more people discover that there are so many ways to build healthy, loving relationships.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

What if the thing you're craving most isn't another dating app, another relationship book, or another set of rules?

What if it's community?

In this episode of Nope! We're Not Monogamous, Ellecia sits down with Jamie Love, Executive Director of Sex Positive World, to talk about the power of finding spaces where you can show up authentically, explore with curiosity, and realize you're not as alone as you thought.

They dive into what sex positivity actually means beyond the stereotypes, why community is essential for people navigating non-monogamy, kink, and alternative relationships, and how play can become a pathway to deeper intimacy and self-discovery.

Whether you're brand new to this world or you've been practicing non-monogamy for years, this conversation is a reminder that you don't have to have it all figured out before you find your people.

In This Episode, We Discuss:

• What Sex Positive World is and the work they're doing to make sexuality education more accessible
• Why community matters so much when exploring non-monogamy and kink
• The courage it takes to attend your first event alone
• How shame keeps us disconnected and what happens when we let ourselves be seen
• Why observation is participation and why you never have to do more than feels right for you
• Boundaries, consent, and learning what your wants, needs, and desires actually are
• The role of play in intimacy, pleasure, and connection
• Pet play, primal play, cuddle spaces, and expanding your definition of what intimacy can look like
• How sex positivity intersects with advocacy, belonging, and creating cultural change
• Why finding your people matters now more than ever

Resources Mentioned

• Sex Positive World: https://www.sexpositiveworld.org
• Learn more about Sex Positive World's online classes, community events, and educational offerings
• Polytopia Conference in Portland, Oregon
• Jessica Fern and Polysecure

Connect with Jamie Love

Jamie Love (she/they) is the Executive Director of Sex Positive World and an educator, facilitator, and community builder passionate about creating spaces where people can explore sexuality, relationships, consent, and connection without shame.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Do you ever feel like everyone else in polyamory got the compersion memo except you?

Like you're supposed to be thrilled when your partner is excited about someone else... and if you're not, maybe you're doing non-monogamy wrong?

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, we're talking about compersion, what it actually is, what it isn't, and why forcing yourself to feel it often creates more harm than healing.

Because here's the truth: You don't have to be ecstatic. You don't have to pretend you're okay when you're not. And neutrality is a huge win.

Inside this episode, we explore:

→ why compersion isn't mandatory

→ the pressure to be the "cool" polyamorous person

→ how comparison and scarcity keep us stuck

→ the social fairy tale training that taught us love equals exclusivity

→ why your partner's joy doesn't erase your value

→ how emotional safety creates space for genuine compersion

→ why forcing compersion is often self-abandonment wearing glitter [laugh]

Because real compersion doesn't grow from pressure. It grows from trust. From self-worth. From emotional security. From knowing that somebody else's happiness doesn't automatically threaten your place in their life.

If you've ever wondered why compersion feels hard, or felt like you were failing because you weren't happy enough for your partner, this episode is for you. 💜

💜 Learn more about Beyond Jealousy: www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy

If this episode helped you feel seen, please like, subscribe, leave a review, or share it with someone who needs to hear it.

Take what resonates and leave the rest. Your emotional journey gets to be uniquely yours. 💜

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Have you ever rehearsed a hard conversation in your head… and then the second you try to have it, everything comes out wrong?

Maybe you shut down.
Maybe you get defensive.
Maybe you try so hard not to sound “too much” that you stop saying what you actually mean.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, we’re talking about communication, conflict, and how to navigate hard conversations around jealousy without losing yourself in the process. 

We get into:

→ why jealousy conversations feel so emotionally charged
→ the difference between reacting and responding
→ how to communicate needs without blame
→ using “I” statements that aren’t just “I think you’re being a jerk” 😅
→ why listening and non-verbal communication matter so much

Because underneath so many conflict cycles is usually something much more vulnerable:

“I’m scared.”
“I need reassurance.”
“I don’t want to lose this connection.”

And learning how to communicate THAT instead of the panic story? That changes relationships. 💜

💜 Learn more about Beyond Jealousy: www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy

If this episode helped you feel seen, please like, subscribe, or share it with someone who needs it.

Take what resonates and leave the rest. 💜

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Have you ever noticed how jealousy can completely hijack your body?

Your thoughts race. Your chest tightens, You start looking for signs something is wrong.

And suddenly you’re spiraling before your logical brain can even catch up.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, we’re talking about emotional intelligence, nervous system regulation, and what to actually do when jealousy takes over.

We get into:

→ why jealousy feels so physically intense

→ the difference between valid feelings and accurate conclusions

→ how to stop treating every fear like a fact

→ mindfulness without bypassing your emotions

→ building emotional resilience instead of emotional suppression

Because emotional regulation isn’t about becoming emotionless.

It’s about learning how to stay connected to yourself while you’re feeling something hard.

If you’ve ever thought:

“Why can’t I calm down?”

“Why do I still spiral?”

“Why does this feel so intense?”

This episode is for you. 💜

💜 Learn more about Beyond Jealousy: www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy

If this episode helped you feel seen, please like, subscribe, or share it with someone who needs it.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Have you ever felt jealous… but underneath it was resentment?

Maybe you said you were fine. Tried to be chill. Tried to be supportive. Tried not to be “too much.”

But deep down, something didn’t feel good, and instead of naming it, asking for what you needed, or honoring your discomfort… you pushed it down.

Then jealousy showed up carrying all of it.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m talking about the connection between jealousy and boundaries, and why jealousy often gets louder when you’ve been ignoring yourself. 

We get into:

→ why jealousy is often information, not a verdict
 → how unmet needs can turn into resentment
 → the difference between boundaries and control
 → why speaking up can feel so scary
 → how to ask what jealousy may be asking you to honor
 → why honesty creates real security

If you’ve ever struggled to ask for what you need, felt guilty having boundaries, or tried to be the “cool” partner while quietly hurting, this episode is for you.

If jealousy has been running the show, this is exactly why I created Beyond Jealousy, to help you feel more secure, self-trusting, and grounded in love.

💜 Learn more about Beyond Jealousy: www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Jealousy can feel overwhelming, shame-filled, and honestly… kind of brutal.

A delayed text, a shift in energy, hearing your partner mention someone else, and suddenly your body is spiraling before your brain can catch up.

If you’ve ever felt jealous and then judged yourself for it, this episode is for you.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m breaking down why jealousy feels so intense, especially in non-monogamy, and what’s often really happening underneath it.

We talk about:

→ why jealousy is a normal human emotion

→ the fear, comparison, and old wounds underneath it

→ why shame makes jealousy feel even bigger

→ how to start understanding what jealousy is trying to tell you

If jealousy has been running the show, this is exactly why I created Beyond Jealousy, to help you feel more secure in yourself and your relationships.

💜 Learn more about Beyond Jealousy: www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Jealousy in non-monogamy doesn’t always look dramatic.

Sometimes it’s not a big blow-up or obvious conflict. Sometimes it’s the slow build.

A little comparison. A little overthinking. That subtle drop in your stomach when your partner mentions someone else.

And before you know it, it’s affecting your mood, your communication, and the way you show up in your relationship.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m talking about the hidden cost of ignoring jealousy, especially in polyamory and open relationships, and why trying to “be chill” or push past your feelings usually creates more distance, not more security.

We’re getting into:

→ why jealousy doesn’t stay contained to one moment
→ how ignored triggers stack over time and impact your nervous system
→ the sneaky ways jealousy affects communication in polyamory
→ why your reactions might feel bigger than the situation
→ how to stop overthinking and start feeling more grounded
→ what actually helps you work through jealousy in a healthy way

If you’ve been feeling anxious in your relationship, struggling with comparison, or noticing that jealousy is quietly shaping how you show up, this episode will help you feel less alone and give you a place to start.

This is for anyone navigating:
 → jealousy in polyamory
 → jealousy in open relationships
 → comparison in non-monogamy
 → relationship anxiety
 → fear of not being enough
 → feeling activated when your partner dates others

💜 If you’re ready for deeper support, check out Beyond Jealousy here: https://elleciapaine.podia.com/beyondjealousy

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237