Nope! We're Not Monogamous

If you’ve been feeling resentful in your open relationship, this episode is for you.

In Episode 147 of Nope, We’re Not Monogamous, I break down why resentment in non-monogamy is rarely about jealousy or bad communication.

It’s usually about boundaries.

Specifically:

• The boundary you didn’t set
• The boundary you didn’t enforce
• Or the agreement your body never truly consented to

So many people in ethical non-monogamy confuse boundaries with rules, agreements, or ultimatums. When that happens, resentment builds quietly under the surface.

In this episode, we explore the difference between:

• Personal boundaries and relationship agreements
• Boundaries and ultimatums
• Autonomy and self-abandonment

If you’ve ever tried to be the “cool partner,” agreed to something you weren’t actually okay with, or said “I’m fine” when you weren’t… this conversation will help you see what resentment is really pointing to.

Because resentment isn’t random.

It’s information.

And it might be telling you it’s time to stop bulldozing yourself in the name of being evolved. 💜

In This Episode We Cover:

• Why resentment in polyamory often signals self-betrayal
• How confusing agreements with boundaries creates conflict
• The difference between boundaries and ultimatums in ENM
• Why enforcement is about your participation, not control
• The master question to ask when evaluating compatibility
• How to rebuild self-trust after boundary collapse

Want to Go Deeper?

I created a Patreon-only ENM Boundary Reset to help you walk through:

• Where resentment is showing up in your body
• What you agreed to that your nervous system didn’t
• How to identify your real boundary
• And what protecting yourself actually looks like

If you’re ready for implementation and integration, get it at www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

Send us Fan Mail

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Non-monogamy isn’t just more love. It’s more feelings, more conversations, and sometimes… a lot more processing.

In this episode, I’m sitting down with Candace Sogren, lawyer, former CEO, emotional intelligence facilitator, mom, and author of Poly Agony. She’s been ethically non-monogamous for over 20 years, raising a child in community, building non-traditional family structures, and living this life fully out loud.

And we’re not talking about the cute, Instagram version of polyamory.

We’re talking about the mistakes. The broken agreements. The repair conversations. The parenting realities. And what it actually takes to make this sustainable.

We get into:

→ The most common mistakes couples make when opening

→ Why repair matters more than perfection

→ Raising kids in open relationships without shame

→ Transparency vs. disclosure (especially with children)

→ Introducing partners in healthy, grounded ways

→ The emotional labor of loving more than one person

Candace also shares a powerful story about advocating for non-traditional families after being denied custody of children because of her polyamorous identity.

This episode is for you if you’re opening a relationship, parenting while poly, or just trying to build something that actually fits your heart.

Send us Fan Mail

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Struggling to tell the difference between needs vs wants in non-monogamy?

If you’ve learned to be “low maintenance” and tolerate a lot, you might be minimizing your emotional needs without realizing it.

In this episode, we explore how trauma, people-pleasing, and polyamory culture can teach us to need less, and why you’re allowed to want more.

There’s no prize for needing less.
You’re not needy. You’re human. 

What You’ll Learn

• Why “needs vs wants” is the wrong question to ask
• How childhood conditioning and trauma affect your ability to ask for more
• The hidden cost of calling yourself “low maintenance”
• How this shows up specifically in non-monogamy and polyamory
• Better questions to ask your nervous system instead
• How to stop disappearing in your relationships
• Why your desires deserve space too

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Opening a relationship can feel empowering… and activating.

A lot of people expect ethical non-monogamy or polyamory to feel freeing right away. Instead, it often brings up jealousy, comparison, attachment wounds, and questions about self-worth.

If you’ve ever thought:
 “Why am I confident everywhere else but spiraling in my relationship?”
 “Why does non-monogamy trigger my insecurities?”
 “How do I feel secure and desirable while practicing ENM?”

This episode is for you.

Relationship coach Ellecia Paine talks with clinical sexologist and therapist Dr. Joy Berkheimer about confidence, desire, body image, attachment, and emotional regulation in ethical non-monogamy.

Together they explore how ENM can become a path toward deeper self-trust, sexual empowerment, and real self-love.

This conversation blends therapy, lived experience, and practical wisdom for women navigating open relationships, polyamory, and personal growth.

🔥 In this episode, you’ll learn:

• How Dr. Joy discovered non-monogamy through swinging and polyamory
 • Why swingers spaces can be surprisingly consent-focused and body-positive
 • How jealousy and comparison show up in ENM (and what they’re actually pointing to)
 • The role of attachment styles and early relationship experiences
 • How to explore desire without shame
 • Why community and support groups matter in non-monogamy
 • What triads/throuples teach us about boundaries and emotional needs
 • How self-love and sexual confidence impact relationship security
 • What a “glow-up” really means in relationships and personal growth
 • Practical ways to build confidence while practicing ethical non-monogamy

👤 About Dr. Joy Berkheimer

Dr. Joy Berkheimer is a clinical sexologist, licensed therapist, and relationship coach who helps women reconnect with desire, confidence, and embodied self-trust.

Instagram: @glowyourgoddess
YouTube: Dear Dr. Joy
Website: joyberkheimer.com

Send us Fan Mail

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

What if non-monogamy wasn’t something you planned… but something you found your way into?

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m joined by Natalie Davis, editor of Polyamory Today and author of the memoir Saying Yes: My Adventures in Non-monogamy.

Natalie shares her deeply human journey from a traditional, long-term monogamous marriage through infidelity, swinging, and polyamory, and how that path eventually led to building a chosen family that includes her partner and her metamour, all living together under one roof.

This conversation is honest, nuanced, and especially validating if you didn’t start non-monogamy feeling confident, enlightened, or “built for this.”

We talk about how safety is created over time, why early rules aren’t a failure, and what actually helps relationships evolve without burning everything down.

In This Episode, We Explore:

• How Natalie moved from monogamy to swinging to polyamory
• Why boundaries and rules at the beginning of non-monogamy are about nervous system safety
• Letting go of control as trust and security grow
• What it really takes to live with a metamour (and why compatibility matters beyond love)
• Navigating age-gap relationships with intention and consent
• How infidelity can become a turning point rather than the end of a relationship
• Why non-monogamy isn’t about having less commitment, but more honesty
• How chosen family can expand your life in unexpected ways

Where to Find Natalie

• Website: https://nataliedavisadventures.com/
• Threads: https://www.threads.com/@nataliedavisadventures
• Book: Saying Yes: My Adventures in Non-monogamy (available wherever books are sold)

Send us Fan Mail

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Jealousy isn’t a flaw. It’s not a failure.

And it’s almost never about your partner.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, Ellecia unpacks a powerful realization sparked by reading Financial Feminist:

the way we experience jealousy is strikingly similar to the way we experience money shame.

Both are rooted in scarcity.

Both are tied to safety, worth, and fear of loss.

And both get way more painful when we shame ourselves for feeling them.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why jealousy is often rooted in shame, not insecurity or immaturity
• How scarcity brain shows up in relationships, especially non-monogamous ones
• Why non-monogamy doesn’t create jealousy, it reveals where safety was never taught
• The difference between trying to “fix” jealousy and actually listening to it
• How to stop abandoning yourself when jealousy hits
• A gentle somatic practice to bring your nervous system back online in the moment

Ellecia also shares why she’s been diving deeper into financial education, and how living outside the box, in relationships, careers, and family structures, requires us to build security intentionally instead of relying on default scripts.

If you’ve ever thought, “Why am I like this?” when jealousy shows up, this episode offers a compassionate reframe that might change everything.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

We talk a lot about honesty in open relationships and non-monogamy.
Tell the truth. Name the jealousy. Share your feelings.

But what happens when you open up and your partner tries to fix it, explain it away, or tells you you shouldn’t feel that way?

In this episode, Ellecia Paine breaks down why honesty alone doesn’t create emotional safety, how emotional invalidation quietly shuts people down in non-monogamous relationships, and what real validation actually looks like. We explore jealousy, insecurity, nervous system safety, and why being corrected instead of received makes it harder to open up over time.

If you’ve ever felt shut down after sharing your feelings, or noticed yourself fixing instead of listening, this episode is for you.

💜 Want support navigating non-monogamy with more safety and clarity?
 Book a Clarity Chat using the link below.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Opening a relationship can feel exciting and urgent, especially once the idea of non-monogamy is on the table. A lot of couples hear advice like “date separately” and assume that’s the next step they’re supposed to take.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I slow that moment way down.

Dating separately can be incredibly powerful, but only when your relationship has the foundation to support it. When there’s unresolved hurt, shaky communication, nervous system overwhelm, or fear being managed through control, opening up tends to magnify those issues instead of solving them.

I walk you through five signs it might be worth pausing before opening, not because you’re doing anything wrong, but because building capacity first can save a lot of pain later.

This episode is about honesty, safety, and learning how to go deep before you go wide. Healthy non-monogamy isn’t built by rushing. It’s built by trust, self-awareness, and emotional skill.

🎧 This episode pairs with Episode 138, Dating Separately: The Secret to Actually Surviving Polyamory as a Couple.

If you want support building a solid foundation before opening, you can learn more about my one-on-one coaching program, Breaking Free From Monogamy.

And if this episode resonated, please subscribe, rate, or leave a review. It helps more people find the show and tells me this work is landing.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

What do you do when your partner says they are open to non monogamy, but only under very specific rules?

Only dating women.

Only forming a triad.

Only dating together as a couple.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, non monogamous relationship coach Ellecia Paine breaks down what’s really underneath rules like the One Penis Policy and forced triads, and how to talk about them without turning the conversation into a power struggle.

This episode is a continuation of Episode 138, where we explored why dating separately is such an important growth tool in polyamory. Episode 139 focuses on the communication skills needed when a partner feels scared of autonomy and uses structure to manage fear.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why OPP and “only triads” are usually rooted in fear and comparison
• How monogamous conditioning shapes control-based relationship rules
• How to talk about autonomy without shaming or self abandoning
• The difference between care based boundaries and restrictive rules
• How to stay compassionate while still honoring your own needs

This episode is for anyone navigating ethical non monogamy, polyamory, or opening a relationship and feeling stuck around rules, jealousy, or control.

🎧 Listen now and continue the conversation started in Episode 138.

If you want deeper support, learn more about Ellecia’s one-on-one coaching program Breaking Free From Monogamy using the link in the show notes.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Dating separately is one of the most misunderstood and emotionally charged topics in non-monogamy.

For many couples, the idea of a partner dating someone without them involved brings up fear, jealousy, panic, and a deep sense of threat. So it makes sense that a lot of people try to avoid that discomfort by insisting on dating together, only pursuing triads, or creating rules that keep everything tightly controlled.

In this episode, I break down why dating separately is about building autonomy, emotional maturity, and real trust rather than abandoning your partner or weakening your relationship, 

You’ll hear why dating together often feels safer at first, how monogamous conditioning shapes those instincts, and why avoiding separate dating can actually keep couples stuck in fear-based patterns that undermine connection over time.

This episode lays the foundation for understanding why autonomy matters in ethical non-monogamy, and why learning to handle discomfort is a necessary part of building sustainable, healthy relationships.

If you’ve ever thought “dating separately feels like too much” or “we’ll just do this together so it’s safer,” this conversation is for you.

Send us Fan Mail

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237