Nope! We're Not Monogamous

Have you ever rehearsed a hard conversation in your head… and then the second you try to have it, everything comes out wrong?

Maybe you shut down.
Maybe you get defensive.
Maybe you try so hard not to sound “too much” that you stop saying what you actually mean.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, we’re talking about communication, conflict, and how to navigate hard conversations around jealousy without losing yourself in the process. 

We get into:

→ why jealousy conversations feel so emotionally charged
→ the difference between reacting and responding
→ how to communicate needs without blame
→ using “I” statements that aren’t just “I think you’re being a jerk” 😅
→ why listening and non-verbal communication matter so much

Because underneath so many conflict cycles is usually something much more vulnerable:

“I’m scared.”
“I need reassurance.”
“I don’t want to lose this connection.”

And learning how to communicate THAT instead of the panic story? That changes relationships. 💜

💜 Learn more about Beyond Jealousy: www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy

If this episode helped you feel seen, please like, subscribe, or share it with someone who needs it.

Take what resonates and leave the rest. 💜

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Have you ever noticed how jealousy can completely hijack your body?

Your thoughts race. Your chest tightens, You start looking for signs something is wrong.

And suddenly you’re spiraling before your logical brain can even catch up.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, we’re talking about emotional intelligence, nervous system regulation, and what to actually do when jealousy takes over.

We get into:

→ why jealousy feels so physically intense

→ the difference between valid feelings and accurate conclusions

→ how to stop treating every fear like a fact

→ mindfulness without bypassing your emotions

→ building emotional resilience instead of emotional suppression

Because emotional regulation isn’t about becoming emotionless.

It’s about learning how to stay connected to yourself while you’re feeling something hard.

If you’ve ever thought:

“Why can’t I calm down?”

“Why do I still spiral?”

“Why does this feel so intense?”

This episode is for you. 💜

💜 Learn more about Beyond Jealousy: www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy

If this episode helped you feel seen, please like, subscribe, or share it with someone who needs it.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Have you ever felt jealous… but underneath it was resentment?

Maybe you said you were fine. Tried to be chill. Tried to be supportive. Tried not to be “too much.”

But deep down, something didn’t feel good, and instead of naming it, asking for what you needed, or honoring your discomfort… you pushed it down.

Then jealousy showed up carrying all of it.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m talking about the connection between jealousy and boundaries, and why jealousy often gets louder when you’ve been ignoring yourself. 

We get into:

→ why jealousy is often information, not a verdict
 → how unmet needs can turn into resentment
 → the difference between boundaries and control
 → why speaking up can feel so scary
 → how to ask what jealousy may be asking you to honor
 → why honesty creates real security

If you’ve ever struggled to ask for what you need, felt guilty having boundaries, or tried to be the “cool” partner while quietly hurting, this episode is for you.

If jealousy has been running the show, this is exactly why I created Beyond Jealousy, to help you feel more secure, self-trusting, and grounded in love.

💜 Learn more about Beyond Jealousy: www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Jealousy can feel overwhelming, shame-filled, and honestly… kind of brutal.

A delayed text, a shift in energy, hearing your partner mention someone else, and suddenly your body is spiraling before your brain can catch up.

If you’ve ever felt jealous and then judged yourself for it, this episode is for you.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m breaking down why jealousy feels so intense, especially in non-monogamy, and what’s often really happening underneath it.

We talk about:

→ why jealousy is a normal human emotion

→ the fear, comparison, and old wounds underneath it

→ why shame makes jealousy feel even bigger

→ how to start understanding what jealousy is trying to tell you

If jealousy has been running the show, this is exactly why I created Beyond Jealousy, to help you feel more secure in yourself and your relationships.

💜 Learn more about Beyond Jealousy: www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Jealousy in non-monogamy doesn’t always look dramatic.

Sometimes it’s not a big blow-up or obvious conflict. Sometimes it’s the slow build.

A little comparison. A little overthinking. That subtle drop in your stomach when your partner mentions someone else.

And before you know it, it’s affecting your mood, your communication, and the way you show up in your relationship.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m talking about the hidden cost of ignoring jealousy, especially in polyamory and open relationships, and why trying to “be chill” or push past your feelings usually creates more distance, not more security.

We’re getting into:

→ why jealousy doesn’t stay contained to one moment
→ how ignored triggers stack over time and impact your nervous system
→ the sneaky ways jealousy affects communication in polyamory
→ why your reactions might feel bigger than the situation
→ how to stop overthinking and start feeling more grounded
→ what actually helps you work through jealousy in a healthy way

If you’ve been feeling anxious in your relationship, struggling with comparison, or noticing that jealousy is quietly shaping how you show up, this episode will help you feel less alone and give you a place to start.

This is for anyone navigating:
 → jealousy in polyamory
 → jealousy in open relationships
 → comparison in non-monogamy
 → relationship anxiety
 → fear of not being enough
 → feeling activated when your partner dates others

💜 If you’re ready for deeper support, check out Beyond Jealousy here: https://elleciapaine.podia.com/beyondjealousy

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

There’s a very specific kind of loneliness that can happen when you’re dating someone who’s already partnered.

The connection can be real. The feelings can be real.
 And still… something feels off.

If you’re navigating non-monogamy as a solo person, especially when you’re dating someone who already has an established partner, this episode is for you.

Because this dynamic can be beautiful… and also confusing, activating, and quietly painful if you don’t have language for what’s happening.

In this episode, we’re talking about:
→ Why you can feel deeply connected and still feel lonely
→ The difference between choosing this dynamic vs. settling for it
→ How your needs can change as you get more emotionally invested
→ Why early dating is still early dating (even in polyamory)
→ The impact of couple’s privilege (and how to recognize it)
→ How to advocate for your needs without overcompensating
→ Why you have to date what’s actually available… not potential
→ What it looks like when this dynamic is actually healthy

And most importantly… How to stop centering couplehood as the only way to feel loved, supported, and fully met.

This episode is about staying anchored in yourself, even when the connection is strong.

Because you don’t have to become the “cool, low-maintenance partner” to make this work.

And you don’t have to convince yourself that less is enough.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Have you ever found yourself holding feelings about a relationship… that technically isn’t even yours?

Like your partner shares something about their other partner…and suddenly you f eel protective… or tense… or a little off around someone you didn’t have an issue with before?

Yeah… that’s usually a communication triangle.

In this episode, I’m breaking down how triangulation actually shows up in non-monogamy, why it’s so easy to fall into, and how it can quietly create tension and distortion in your relationships.

We talk about the difference between venting and processing, the “emotional telephone” effect, and how to stop carrying emotional weight that was never yours to hold.

And I share one of my favorite grounding practices for this:
 ✨ stay in your lane, stay in your truth ✨

Because when communication gets cleaner, your relationships get lighter, clearer, and way more sustainable.

💜 In this episode, we get into:

• What communication triangles actually are (and how to spot them)
• Why triangulation happens so easily in polyamory
• How emotional “telephone” creates misunderstanding and tension
• The difference between venting and processing (with real examples)
• How we accidentally recruit partners into conflict
• A simple practice to clean up your communication: stay in your lane, stay in your truth
• How to stop carrying emotional dynamics that aren’t yours

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

What if the thing you thought made you “too much”… was actually the doorway to deeper connection, more honest relationships, and a whole lot more pleasure?

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m joined by writer and poet Kate Heskett, whose story appears in the new anthology Pillow Talk, a collection of real, raw, awkward, and hilarious experiences of sex, intimacy, and desire.

Kate shares what it was like to show up alone to their very first swingers hotel takeover, the anxiety, the curiosity, and the unexpected validation of finding people who see the world the way they do.

We talk about what happens when monogamy never quite made sense, the messy transition into non-monogamy, and what it actually looks like to build “love-first” relationships without rigid rules.

In This Episode, We Cover:

→ What a swingers hotel takeover is really like (beyond the fantasy)
→ The anxiety and courage of showing up alone to your first lifestyle event
→ Kate’s story “Pineapples in the Snow” and what it represents
→ Growing up feeling “wrong” and trying to fit into monogamy
→ The transition from monogamy to non-monogamy (and why it can be messy)
→ What “love-first” non-monogamy looks like in real life
→ Navigating triad dynamics, distance, and communication
→ Compersion, voyeurism, and different turn-ons in open relationships
→ Why real, honest stories about sex and relationships matter

About Kate Heskett

Kate Heskett (they/them) is an award-winning poet, writer, and canoe guide based in Whistler, BC. Their work has been published in Pique and The Lupine Review, and they are a contributing author in the anthology Pillow Talk: Real People. Real Stories. Real Awkward.

Their story, Pineapples in the Snow, shares their first experience at a swingers hotel takeover, exploring risk, desire, and the powerful validation of finding community.

Pillow Talk: Real People. Real Stories. Real Awkward. is an anthology featuring 18 writers sharing frank, funny, and deeply human stories about intimacy, desire, and the moments we don’t usually talk about.

From awkward encounters to moments of joy and self-discovery, this book helps normalize the full spectrum of human experience.

👉 Grab the book + leave a review to help these stories reach more people

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

What are metamour relationships supposed to look like in non-monogamy?
Do you have to be instant best friends… or even chosen family… with your partner’s partner?

In this episode, relationship coach Ellecia Paine explores the real emotional pacing of metamour connections. From the pressure to create “kitchen table polyamory” right away, to the importance of chemistry, play, and nervous system safety, this conversation offers grounded insight for anyone navigating polyamory, open relationships, or complex love dynamics.

You’ll learn why authentic metamour relationships grow through shared experiences over time, not performance or obligation, and how to build connection in ways that feel sustainable for your real life.

Whether you’re new to non-monogamy or deep in your journey, this episode will help you release unrealistic expectations and create more compassionate, conscious relationship dynamics.

 In this episode we explore:

• What kitchen table polyamory really means (and common misconceptions)
• Why expecting instant closeness with metamours can create pressure
• How friendship chemistry and pacing impact polyamorous relationships
• The role of play and shared experiences in building trust
• How to allow metamour relationships to develop naturally
• Emotional safety, authenticity, and sustainable connection in non-monogamy

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

New Relationship Energy, or NRE, is one of the most talked-about dynamics in non-monogamy, and one of the most misunderstood.

In this episode, relationship coach Ellecia Paine breaks down what NRE actually is, what’s happening in your brain and body during those early stages of attraction, and why the dopamine-fueled excitement of a new connection can make people feel euphoric, obsessive, and sometimes a little reckless.

You’ll learn:

• The brain chemistry behind NRE
• Why the intensity can last up to 18 months
• Why people recommend avoiding big life decisions during NRE
• How NRE can create anxiety for both partners and the person experiencing it
• Why slowing down actually helps relationships grow stronger

Ellecia also explores why NRE shouldn’t be villainized, and how to enjoy the spark of a new connection without burning through it or destabilizing your existing relationships.

Because NRE isn’t the problem.

But awareness, pacing, and communication make all the difference.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237