Jealousy can feel overwhelming, shame-filled, and honestly… kind of brutal.

A delayed text, a shift in energy, hearing your partner mention someone else, and suddenly your body is spiraling before your brain can catch up.

If you’ve ever felt jealous and then judged yourself for it, this episode is for you.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m breaking down why jealousy feels so intense, especially in non-monogamy, and what’s often really happening underneath it.

We talk about:

→ why jealousy is a normal human emotion

→ the fear, comparison, and old wounds underneath it

→ why shame makes jealousy feel even bigger

→ how to start understanding what jealousy is trying to tell you

If jealousy has been running the show, this is exactly why I created Beyond Jealousy, to help you feel more secure in yourself and your relationships.

💜 Learn more about Beyond Jealousy: www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Jealousy in non-monogamy doesn’t always look dramatic.

Sometimes it’s not a big blow-up or obvious conflict. Sometimes it’s the slow build.

A little comparison. A little overthinking. That subtle drop in your stomach when your partner mentions someone else.

And before you know it, it’s affecting your mood, your communication, and the way you show up in your relationship.

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m talking about the hidden cost of ignoring jealousy, especially in polyamory and open relationships, and why trying to “be chill” or push past your feelings usually creates more distance, not more security.

We’re getting into:

→ why jealousy doesn’t stay contained to one moment
→ how ignored triggers stack over time and impact your nervous system
→ the sneaky ways jealousy affects communication in polyamory
→ why your reactions might feel bigger than the situation
→ how to stop overthinking and start feeling more grounded
→ what actually helps you work through jealousy in a healthy way

If you’ve been feeling anxious in your relationship, struggling with comparison, or noticing that jealousy is quietly shaping how you show up, this episode will help you feel less alone and give you a place to start.

This is for anyone navigating:
 → jealousy in polyamory
 → jealousy in open relationships
 → comparison in non-monogamy
 → relationship anxiety
 → fear of not being enough
 → feeling activated when your partner dates others

💜 If you’re ready for deeper support, check out Beyond Jealousy here: https://elleciapaine.podia.com/beyondjealousy

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

There’s a very specific kind of loneliness that can happen when you’re dating someone who’s already partnered.

The connection can be real. The feelings can be real.
 And still… something feels off.

If you’re navigating non-monogamy as a solo person, especially when you’re dating someone who already has an established partner, this episode is for you.

Because this dynamic can be beautiful… and also confusing, activating, and quietly painful if you don’t have language for what’s happening.

In this episode, we’re talking about:
→ Why you can feel deeply connected and still feel lonely
→ The difference between choosing this dynamic vs. settling for it
→ How your needs can change as you get more emotionally invested
→ Why early dating is still early dating (even in polyamory)
→ The impact of couple’s privilege (and how to recognize it)
→ How to advocate for your needs without overcompensating
→ Why you have to date what’s actually available… not potential
→ What it looks like when this dynamic is actually healthy

And most importantly… How to stop centering couplehood as the only way to feel loved, supported, and fully met.

This episode is about staying anchored in yourself, even when the connection is strong.

Because you don’t have to become the “cool, low-maintenance partner” to make this work.

And you don’t have to convince yourself that less is enough.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Have you ever found yourself holding feelings about a relationship… that technically isn’t even yours?

Like your partner shares something about their other partner…and suddenly you f eel protective… or tense… or a little off around someone you didn’t have an issue with before?

Yeah… that’s usually a communication triangle.

In this episode, I’m breaking down how triangulation actually shows up in non-monogamy, why it’s so easy to fall into, and how it can quietly create tension and distortion in your relationships.

We talk about the difference between venting and processing, the “emotional telephone” effect, and how to stop carrying emotional weight that was never yours to hold.

And I share one of my favorite grounding practices for this:
 ✨ stay in your lane, stay in your truth ✨

Because when communication gets cleaner, your relationships get lighter, clearer, and way more sustainable.

💜 In this episode, we get into:

• What communication triangles actually are (and how to spot them)
• Why triangulation happens so easily in polyamory
• How emotional “telephone” creates misunderstanding and tension
• The difference between venting and processing (with real examples)
• How we accidentally recruit partners into conflict
• A simple practice to clean up your communication: stay in your lane, stay in your truth
• How to stop carrying emotional dynamics that aren’t yours

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

What if the thing you thought made you “too much”… was actually the doorway to deeper connection, more honest relationships, and a whole lot more pleasure?

In this episode of Nope! We’re Not Monogamous, I’m joined by writer and poet Kate Heskett, whose story appears in the new anthology Pillow Talk, a collection of real, raw, awkward, and hilarious experiences of sex, intimacy, and desire.

Kate shares what it was like to show up alone to their very first swingers hotel takeover, the anxiety, the curiosity, and the unexpected validation of finding people who see the world the way they do.

We talk about what happens when monogamy never quite made sense, the messy transition into non-monogamy, and what it actually looks like to build “love-first” relationships without rigid rules.

In This Episode, We Cover:

→ What a swingers hotel takeover is really like (beyond the fantasy)
→ The anxiety and courage of showing up alone to your first lifestyle event
→ Kate’s story “Pineapples in the Snow” and what it represents
→ Growing up feeling “wrong” and trying to fit into monogamy
→ The transition from monogamy to non-monogamy (and why it can be messy)
→ What “love-first” non-monogamy looks like in real life
→ Navigating triad dynamics, distance, and communication
→ Compersion, voyeurism, and different turn-ons in open relationships
→ Why real, honest stories about sex and relationships matter

About Kate Heskett

Kate Heskett (they/them) is an award-winning poet, writer, and canoe guide based in Whistler, BC. Their work has been published in Pique and The Lupine Review, and they are a contributing author in the anthology Pillow Talk: Real People. Real Stories. Real Awkward.

Their story, Pineapples in the Snow, shares their first experience at a swingers hotel takeover, exploring risk, desire, and the powerful validation of finding community.

Pillow Talk: Real People. Real Stories. Real Awkward. is an anthology featuring 18 writers sharing frank, funny, and deeply human stories about intimacy, desire, and the moments we don’t usually talk about.

From awkward encounters to moments of joy and self-discovery, this book helps normalize the full spectrum of human experience.

👉 Grab the book + leave a review to help these stories reach more people

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

What are metamour relationships supposed to look like in non-monogamy?
Do you have to be instant best friends… or even chosen family… with your partner’s partner?

In this episode, relationship coach Ellecia Paine explores the real emotional pacing of metamour connections. From the pressure to create “kitchen table polyamory” right away, to the importance of chemistry, play, and nervous system safety, this conversation offers grounded insight for anyone navigating polyamory, open relationships, or complex love dynamics.

You’ll learn why authentic metamour relationships grow through shared experiences over time, not performance or obligation, and how to build connection in ways that feel sustainable for your real life.

Whether you’re new to non-monogamy or deep in your journey, this episode will help you release unrealistic expectations and create more compassionate, conscious relationship dynamics.

 In this episode we explore:

• What kitchen table polyamory really means (and common misconceptions)
• Why expecting instant closeness with metamours can create pressure
• How friendship chemistry and pacing impact polyamorous relationships
• The role of play and shared experiences in building trust
• How to allow metamour relationships to develop naturally
• Emotional safety, authenticity, and sustainable connection in non-monogamy

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

New Relationship Energy, or NRE, is one of the most talked-about dynamics in non-monogamy, and one of the most misunderstood.

In this episode, relationship coach Ellecia Paine breaks down what NRE actually is, what’s happening in your brain and body during those early stages of attraction, and why the dopamine-fueled excitement of a new connection can make people feel euphoric, obsessive, and sometimes a little reckless.

You’ll learn:

• The brain chemistry behind NRE
• Why the intensity can last up to 18 months
• Why people recommend avoiding big life decisions during NRE
• How NRE can create anxiety for both partners and the person experiencing it
• Why slowing down actually helps relationships grow stronger

Ellecia also explores why NRE shouldn’t be villainized, and how to enjoy the spark of a new connection without burning through it or destabilizing your existing relationships.

Because NRE isn’t the problem.

But awareness, pacing, and communication make all the difference.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

If you’ve been feeling resentful in your open relationship, this episode is for you.

In Episode 147 of Nope, We’re Not Monogamous, I break down why resentment in non-monogamy is rarely about jealousy or bad communication.

It’s usually about boundaries.

Specifically:

• The boundary you didn’t set
• The boundary you didn’t enforce
• Or the agreement your body never truly consented to

So many people in ethical non-monogamy confuse boundaries with rules, agreements, or ultimatums. When that happens, resentment builds quietly under the surface.

In this episode, we explore the difference between:

• Personal boundaries and relationship agreements
• Boundaries and ultimatums
• Autonomy and self-abandonment

If you’ve ever tried to be the “cool partner,” agreed to something you weren’t actually okay with, or said “I’m fine” when you weren’t… this conversation will help you see what resentment is really pointing to.

Because resentment isn’t random.

It’s information.

And it might be telling you it’s time to stop bulldozing yourself in the name of being evolved. 💜

In This Episode We Cover:

• Why resentment in polyamory often signals self-betrayal
• How confusing agreements with boundaries creates conflict
• The difference between boundaries and ultimatums in ENM
• Why enforcement is about your participation, not control
• The master question to ask when evaluating compatibility
• How to rebuild self-trust after boundary collapse

Want to Go Deeper?

I created a Patreon-only ENM Boundary Reset to help you walk through:

• Where resentment is showing up in your body
• What you agreed to that your nervous system didn’t
• How to identify your real boundary
• And what protecting yourself actually looks like

If you’re ready for implementation and integration, get it at www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Non-monogamy isn’t just more love. It’s more feelings, more conversations, and sometimes… a lot more processing.

In this episode, I’m sitting down with Candace Sogren, lawyer, former CEO, emotional intelligence facilitator, mom, and author of Poly Agony. She’s been ethically non-monogamous for over 20 years, raising a child in community, building non-traditional family structures, and living this life fully out loud.

And we’re not talking about the cute, Instagram version of polyamory.

We’re talking about the mistakes. The broken agreements. The repair conversations. The parenting realities. And what it actually takes to make this sustainable.

We get into:

→ The most common mistakes couples make when opening

→ Why repair matters more than perfection

→ Raising kids in open relationships without shame

→ Transparency vs. disclosure (especially with children)

→ Introducing partners in healthy, grounded ways

→ The emotional labor of loving more than one person

Candace also shares a powerful story about advocating for non-traditional families after being denied custody of children because of her polyamorous identity.

This episode is for you if you’re opening a relationship, parenting while poly, or just trying to build something that actually fits your heart.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Struggling to tell the difference between needs vs wants in non-monogamy?

If you’ve learned to be “low maintenance” and tolerate a lot, you might be minimizing your emotional needs without realizing it.

In this episode, we explore how trauma, people-pleasing, and polyamory culture can teach us to need less, and why you’re allowed to want more.

There’s no prize for needing less.
You’re not needy. You’re human. 

What You’ll Learn

• Why “needs vs wants” is the wrong question to ask
• How childhood conditioning and trauma affect your ability to ask for more
• The hidden cost of calling yourself “low maintenance”
• How this shows up specifically in non-monogamy and polyamory
• Better questions to ask your nervous system instead
• How to stop disappearing in your relationships
• Why your desires deserve space too

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237