Normalize therapy.

Marriage can seem pretty complicated.

There are scores of websites, hundreds of books and thousands of research articles.

And yet folks -- perhaps even yourselves – are still struggling.

Sticky Notes Are Simple

Sometimes it’s nice just to back off from all that complexity. Think simple thoughts. Do simple things that make a difference.

In this week’s shorter summer episode (still on holidays – yay!) we take a break from our usual research-based programming to remind you that simple still works.

In this case, following the theme of using romantic text messages from our previous post, we want you to think about how you can use sticky notes to spice up your marriage.

Sticky Notes = Happiness

The thought behind this strategy is to engage in small activities that are easy to do but build fondness and admiration into your marriage.

You need lots of that. According to Dr. John Gottman we need 5 positive moments for every negative moment in our marriage

Sticky notes are an easy way to do that. You can court your spouse with them. You can add some fun to your marriage with them. And you can use them as little sparks to light the fire in your marriage.

Generally, life is fairly stressful. You’re likely facing a lot of challenges. But these little moments of positivity create buffers against stress and its impact on your marriage.

Romantic Sticky Notes

We want you to be intentional about this. Sticky notes are inexpensive but they can add a lot of value to your marriage!

You can use them to surprise your spouse. You can use them to remind your spouse. You can stick them anywhere. Try:

A lunch bag

In his or her vehicle

On the mirror in the washroom

In the kitchen sink

In a purse or briefcase

Under the pillow

In the underwear drawer

Out in the workshop

Wondering what to write on them? Well, you don’t have a lot of space so it has got to be meaningful and pithy. How about:

Bible verses

Words of affirmation and praise

Gratitude and appreciation

30 things you love about her (one per note; number them 1/30, 2/30 etc. and hide them all over)

Encouragement

“I love you!”

Suggestive comments. Just because you got married doesn’t mean you need to stop flirting with your spouse!

Coupons (“This sticky note is good for one 15 minute massage” is a good start!)

Give it a shot. Let us know how it goes!

I think that one of the lamest things to do is to break up a relationship by text message.

Lame, lame, lame.

But you're married now and looking for a way to keep the flame alive, right? So, today as part of our mini-series of short summer episodes we're looking at a redemptive use of text messages: romancing your spouse!

Romantic Texts Help You Keep Connected

Text messaging works great for this because it is so quick and easy. Not to make it sound cheap. Quite the opposite, actually.

Marriage is a big deal. A very big deal. But even the simple, quick tokens of love that can be sent via text message go a long way to creating resilience and positivity in your marriage.

And when you shoot a quick, heartfelt text to your wife or husband, it can be really touching because it shows that you are thinking of them. The unprompted spontaneity is heartwarming.

Romantic Text Ideas

We've got a PDF of great ideas you can download but first, let me give you the general concept.

The best text messages are going to be those that come from your own heart in your own words.

So here are some general ideas to workaround:

Something you appreciate about your spouse

How about flirting? or be suggestive?

"I love you" out of the blue always hits the mark

Gratitude and appreciation. Simple is fine: thank him/her for making your lunch!

How about a Bible verse that is encouraging?

Share something you just discovered that speaks to a mutual interest

Strengthen him/her in some area where you know he/she doubts himself

Express your commitment and loyalty

How Is This Helping?

What this is doing is helping you develop your fondness and admiration system. That system is a core resiliency in thriving marriages that will help you weather the stress and challenges that life throws at you.

It also helps buffer you against the conflict that we all experience in our marriages.

We'd love to hear from you! What is the most romantic thing your spouse has ever texted you?

Most wedding speeches are lame.

There, I said it. Somebody needed to.

We have a lot of listeners tuning into our podcast because they're getting ready for marriage. If that is you, and if you are the groom, in particular, I would like you to heed the advice herein.

Epic Wedding Speech-making

Your wedding speech is an opportunity to be legendary.

The competition is nearly non-existent (think, "...and I'd like to thank Betsy for ALL the work she did on the centerpieces...yawn).

Most wedding speeches are just a tiresome list of thanks spieled off after a reception that has already gone on too long.

My proposal is that you, the groom, think about how you can add a personal touch to your speech that will leave an impression that adds honour to the occasion.

The Five Keys to a Great Wedding Speech

1. What She Means to You

Yes, She. She Who Must Be Obeyed. Lol.

Seriously: I want you to provide heartfelt testimony to the incredible attractiveness of your spouse in front of all who are in attendance.

If you can't think of content for this testimony: think about how you can end the engagement as respectfully as possible.

But, if you're like me and you sincerely believe you're one of those guys who just landed the gal of his dreams then you'll have plenty of content.

Tell them what she means to you.

2. How She Has Impacted You Already

This builds on #1 by providing your audience with real examples of the impact that this incredible woman has already had for good in your life.

Again, if she is the girl of your dreams you should be able to come up with some real examples and genuine commentary on what a blessing she has been to you.

3. Why You Cherish Her Now

Your relationship will unfold over years to come. It's a journey.

But for where you are at today, your wedding day, I am calling on you to speak to why you cherish her at this moment. What are the values, attitudes, beliefs and character traits that make her so precious to you?

4. Why I Am Attracted To You

If you have been speaking about your wife, this is the point you turn to her and speak from your heart.

Tell her why you are so absolutely struck by her that there is nobody else in the world you would consider marrying.

5. Ice the Cake

If she's not in tears (the warm fuzzy feeling kind of tears) this is where you just put the finishing touches on the speech in your own words.

Pause.

"{Her name}, I love you. Thank you for marrying me."

Pause

And Then The Rest of It

Yes, you should do your thank you's. But before that, turn to her parents for a moment and speak to them. Now, I don't know what you think of your in-laws. But if it is all possible to honestly and authentically do so, you should thank them for their daughter. They've had a lot of influence on forming her character. They all say "We're gaining a son today" but really, they're losing their daughter. You're setting up a new family unit with her and they know it's going to be a new relationship for them. So thank them.

And then, last, but not least, the sincere thank you's for all the other folks who made the day special. Be authentic but also be methodical.

What I Didn't Do That I Wish I Had

Looking back, there's one thing I wish I had done. I wish I had paused to thank God for Verlynda, for our marriage, and for all of our loved ones and friends who came to celebrate the day with us.

I've done it many times since, but if I could one thing differently that would be on the list for sure.

Those are my thoughts. Now, it's your turn! What is (or was) the favorite part of your wedding speech?

Have you ever been in that place? You know, you come home from work… the house is a mess… you don’t want to be there… you’re yelling at the kids… you’re yelling at your spouse because your environment is a mess but it’s like your inside is a mess and your emotions are a mess too. Nobody likes to live like that.

Not only that – it’s not good for you either. That’s why we interviewed Marla Cilley, a housekeeping guru commonly known as FlyLady, for some tips on how to get out of this chaos.

You'll definitely want to listen to this interview from start to finish!

First, though, I was curious if there was any scientific research surrounding stress levels and home environments. It turns out there is. Wives who described their homes as more restorative (meaning they enjoyed their home environment) had lower stress levels and less depressed mood across the day.

Conversely, wives who described their homes as more stressful had indicators (a flatter slope of diurnal cortisol) of chronic stress. Those indicators are typically associated with adverse health outcomes.

Apparently, husbands are not affected so much by the home environment, as there was really a null result for them. The conclusion is that wives feel more responsibility for the home environment.[i]

The same researcher found an association between wive’s marital satisfaction and the flatter slop of diurnal cortisol. We all know that correlation doesn’t imply causation, but we think it is reasonable to conclude that if you find your home environment stressful, particularly as a wife, you’ll likely to have decreased marital satisfaction. The converse is true as well.[ii]

So, I think it is safe to say that taking care of your home is another way of taking care of your marriage. We are not asking wives to do this, but we want both of you to take this seriously and figure out how to divide up the responsibilities.

Not only does the research show that home environments affect the diurnal cortisol which impacts marital satisfaction, but the same theme carries over to parenting. Findings show that maladaptive parenting styles and child emotionality both increase in cluttered homes. The researchers saw this as being mediated by maternal tenseness.[iii]

The case we’re making here is that creating a home environment that is peaceful and has some sense of serenity and calm is a blessing to your marriage and your family.

That’s why we interviewed FlyLady – to ask her how to help young couples get their homes organized and kept tidy.

She gave us some awesome information including:

Where to start – especially if you’ve got a company

A different focus for each month of the year

How to build a routine

How to get rid of your perfectionism

How to break your home into zones so it’s not so overwhelming

How to create that relaxing environment you want to come home to

How to save money in the kitchen.

Thanks again to Marla Cilley for providing such masterful content to us all! You can find more about her at www.flylady.net and be sure to follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

For more great content on how to make your marriage thriving and passionate, be sure to sign up for our email list now. You only stand to benefit from it!

References

[i] Darby E. Saxbe and Rena Repetti, “No Place Like Home: Home Tours Correlate With Daily Patterns of Mood and Cortisol,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 36, no. 1 (2010): 71–81, doi:https://dx.doi.org/10.1177/0146167209352864.

[ii] Darby E. Saxbe, Rena L. Repetti, and Adrienne Nishina, “Marital Satisfaction, Recovery from Work, and Diurnal Cortisol among Men and Women,” Health Psychology: Official Journal of the Division of Health Psychology, American Psychological Association 27, no. 1 (January 2008): 15–25, doi:10.1037/0278-6133.27.1.15.

[iii] Carly M. Thornock et al., “The Direct and Indirect Effects of Home Clutter on Parenting,” Family Relations 62, no. 5 (December 2013): 783–94.

Even if it feels impossible at this moment, I want you to know that it is possible to rebuilt trust, to create safety and to restore intimacy to your marriage. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy or simple. I can’t even promise that your trust will never be broken again. But I am saying that it is possible.

In every human relationship, probably without exception, there are moments of betrayal. This has been happening for millennia: think even of the words of King David in Psalm 41:9, “Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me.”

Jesus Christ himself was betrayed, so know that you’re not alone. He understands, he’s been there. It happens to everyone.

As common as it is though, there may be no blow as severe as a betrayal – we feel it keenly. The good news though, is that it doesn’t have to be fatal to your marriage.

If you are the injured party, this post is especially for you. We hope it will be a comfort to you as well as help you figure out how to move forward after a betrayal.

If you have been betrayed, there is a process you’re going to go through. Of course, your own journey is always unique but here’s typically what we see when working with couples in distress following the disclosure of an extramarital affair, perceived abandonment, disclosure of a pornography addiction, or even major changes of lifestyle and values and even religion.

Generally there are three phases:[i]

Roller Coaster

Moratorium

Trust building

Stage 1: Roller Coaster

This is no surprise here. Researchers wrote that “initial responses to a partner’s disclosure of infidelity were often intensely emotionally charged” which makes perfect sense.

We see folks swinging between severe grief and numbness to thoughts of murder and escape. There is often a lot of confrontation and anger being expressed and a flood of conflicting emotions going on.

These conflictions emotions are wanting to get past the offense but at the same time refusing to. Or, wanting revenge by doing the same thing, but hating what has been done, etc. No matter what feelings are going on here, they are very strong. You can see why it is called the roller coaster stage.

The important part here is being willing to express the strong emotions to trusted confidante’s: a counsellor, a church leader you can trust, and to your spouse who has injured you. He/she needs to see your pain.

Stage 2: Moratorium

When the emotional reactivity slows down and you find yourself trying to make meaning of the betrayal, you’ve moved into the moratorium stage. This period typically involves quite a bit of obsessing about details, retreating or pulling back from your spouse physically and emotionally, and recruiting the support of others to try to make meaning of the betrayal.

As a cautionary note: If this was a sexual betrayal, obsessing about details is not always healthy. You need enough to make you feel safe, but if you start getting all sorts of voyeuristic details, they’ll create memories and images that will be very difficult for you to overcome.

According to the researchers, here’s what you probably should know in the case of an affair:[ii]

Who the extramarital partner was

How long the affair lasted

How often they met

Where they met.

If you find yourself on an endless search for facts, it may be because it is easier to talk about facts than feelings. When you feel yourself going down this pathway, as the betrayed spouse, stop and think about what you are feeling and what you need. You are probably needing reassurance that your spouse wants to work on the marriage and still finds you attractive and loveable. Learn to be more vocal about this and focus on feelings, not facts.

Stage 3: Trust Building

Trust-building takes a while. It is a long and difficult process, depending on the nature and extent of the betrayal.

The first part of trust-building Is re-engaging. There is isolation brought about between each spouse due to the moratorium, but if the couple is open to rebuilding their marriage, this aspect of reengaging comes out where they start experiencing greater dialogue and openness in the relationship. This is not just dialogue about the betrayal or whatever broke the trust, but about relationship problems that led up to the breach of trust.

The second part is ownership and remorsefulness. The injurer is typically expressing more remorsefulness during this stage and accepting responsibility for how their actions impacted their spouse.

You might think that the apologies are needed much earlier on. Ironically, they are, but they are not really believable until this stage. Often the injured party will see early apologies are cheap attempts to patch over the depth of the injury or even to sort of ‘buy off’ the offended spouse.

As in, “You want me to get over it just like that???”

There is too much anger to really accept the remorse early on, but once the initial anger has passed and the couple is starting to make meaning, behaviours are starting to change and be maintained, then the offended spouse is in a better place to hear and internalize the apology.

The third part of trust-building is for the offending partner to start showing behaviours that demonstrate commitment to the relationship. There is usually a return of loving behaviours during this trust-building stage also.

The fourth aspect of building trust is increased couples communication. This understands leads to greater intimacy.

The final aspect of this trust-building stage is forgiveness. If you’ve been offended and betrayed and have lost faith in your spouse, this is not something you can rush. It is a very necessary part of your own recovery as the betrayed spouse to find ways to forgive the betrayer.

Forgiveness is important for your own healing but also very difficult to master. It is usually not just one decision, although it may be catalyzed by a crisis decision on your part, but something that needs revisited. Think of it as a process over time where you are exchanging hard, bitter feelings (eg. anger or bitterness) for softer, deeper feelings (eg. sadness over loss).[iii]

It may be helpful for you as a betrayed spouse to write a letter saying you are in the process of resolving, forgiving, and letting go of the hurt and anger towards your spouse. This letter is a snapshot in time of your process going through all this. Express what you do not forgive, or are unable to let go of, and why it is difficult for them to resolve the injury. It is OK to feel those feelings!

In this letter, also express what you presently need from your spouse to help you let go of the hurt and anger and to forgive them. If you have already let go of the hurt and anger or forgiven your spouse, then write about where you are emotionally around the injury and whether you feel you are able to reconcile. This letter writing really helps you identify where you are in your own process of forgiving as part of rebuilding that trust.[iv]

As you can see, rebuilding trust really is a process. It takes time, goes through stages, and can also be very, very difficult at times. We can’t empathize the forgiveness component enough.  If you are reading this right at the start of your crisis, right after possibility a major betrayal, then forgiveness probably seems so ridiculous to even consider.

Maybe you even have well-meaning people pressure you to forgive. Well, we will NOT add to that pressure. Most people come to want to offer forgiveness on their own, but if they never get there, we are not going to persuade them otherwise.

Take the time you need, but remember that forgiveness is super valuable in serving to rebuild trust and rebalancing power in your couple relationship. It is clinked closely to increases in marital satisfaction and psychological closeness. It is worth doing if you want to rebuild trust.[v]

[i] Michael M. Olson et al., “Emotional Processes Following Disclosure of an Extramarital Affair,” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 28, no. 4 (October 2002): 423–34.

[ii] Gerald Weeks and Stephen Treat, Couples in Treatment, 2 edition (Philadelphia, PA: Routledge, 2001).

[iii] Olson et al., “Emotional Processes Following Disclosure of an Extramarital Affair.”

[iv] Leslie Greenberg, Serine Warwar, and Wanda Malcolm, “Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy and the Facilitation of Forgiveness,” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 36, no. 1 (January 2010): 28–42.

[v] Ibid.

So, what if your parents didn’t have a great marriage? Or, maybe other folks who served as role models in your life haven’t modeled a healthy, thriving marriage? Are you hooped, or is there hope? Let’s figure out if there’s any hope.

If you are in this situation of having poor role models, you are not alone. This is such a common, shared experience. We all try to do our best as a couple, but even then, I’m sure our kids can see things that they like and will adopt from our relationship, but also see other things they’re not going to want to carry forward.

We all face this challenge of role models, to varying degrees, so be encouraged!

The first thing we need to remember is that all role models are useful. We all think the positive ones are, but negative ones can be as well. What the research shows about human behavior is that when we want to add positive, beneficial activities to our lives we look for positive role models. For example, if I want to work out more often, I will choose a fit person as a role model.

On the other hand, when we want to remove unhelpful behaviors, such as over-eating, we may consider a very obese person as a role model. That is an example of a useful negative role model.[i]

We use positive role models to help us engage in beneficial activities and negative role models to sustain our motivation to refrain from negative activities. So, no matter what role models you had, they all are useful either as something you want to imitate or avoid.

Another challenge when thinking about our role models is to remember that role models are very rarely ALL bad or ALL good. We want to be selective and wise and put things in the right buckets. It’s really about taking the good and leaving the bad, or as Caleb says, eating the meat and spitting out the bones!

There is an interesting cultural difference too when it comes to role models. European descendants are far more inspired and motivated by positive role models who highlight a strategy of pursuing success. More collectivistic cultures, however, such as Asian-American, are more motivated by negative role models with a strategy to avoid failure.

Your cultural background is going to influence how much value or importance you place on each type of role model.[ii]

Let’s take a moment to look at the root causes. How do our early role models affect our ability to relate today?

Caleb values attachment theory when looking at early childhood role models. “The basic tenet of attachment theory is that the accessibility and responsiveness of a trusted other leads to greater social and emotional adjustment at any age.”[iii]

This is saying that our ability to relate to others is formed by our childhood caregivers. The kind of atmosphere our caregivers gave us for establishing relationships affects even how we relate to people today. If our caregivers did not provide a safe, secure environment, we may struggle in our relationships, as we grow older.

The good news is that attachment can improve in the context of a secure relationship. Be that trusted other for your spouse!

The first part in doing this is to create safety within your marriage. Make it a shared value to respect one another. Avoid name-calling, barbed comments, teasing sprinkled with sarcastic truth, and any forms of criticism or contempt. Agree to create a culture within your marriage where safety is a fundamental, inviolable principle.

So, even if you didn’t have good role models, make a covenant with your spouse that you are committed to making the marriage safe. This doesn’t mean the absence of conflict, it just means you’re committed to growing the sense of security and repairing breaches when they are made.

Abuse, of any kind, is so damaging to a marriage because the fundamental principles of an intimate emotional bond such as marriage are based on safety and security. With abuse, these are completely abandoned and violated.

The second part in improving attachment in your marriage is listening to understand.

There are so many ways that we miss each other in our communications because we react from our own perceptions of reality without truly being willing to open ourselves to see reality as our spouse sees it. We need to stop, listen, and understand.

Isn’t this at the core of what we truly want?

We want to feel understood. We want to know that someone understands us, to know that we’re not alone in this world and to receive empathy.

Your role models for marriage may have been really, really poor at listening. BUT, this is a skill you can learn and develop and bring to your marriage very quickly. Even if you didn’t have good role models, it is still something you can bring to the table as a new skill.

Just because you didn’t have good role models doesn’t mean you’re somehow crippled!

At this point, if you’re feeling like you haven’t had good role models, I hope you’re beginning to understand that this isn’t fatal to your relationship! You do NOT have to follow the pathway that your role models did. You do NOT have to experience the same outcomes that they did.

You can choose to live differently, to create your own, new, healthier ways of relating to others!

You also have the option of finding new role models to help you form these new habits. Here are some tips to help you do that:

Marriage mentoring:

This is typically available through your local church either through formal systemized programs or informally. If you got o a small church, find an older there that you respect and whose kids are turning out OK (or have turned out well) and ask them if you could meet with them as a couple for marriage mentoring. If they don’t have any idea how to do that, suggest Tim Keller’s book The Meaning of Marriage and just meet once a month to discuss a chapter. The cost of two books is $30 and boom, you’re all set.

Coaching or Counselling:

Get coaching or counselling and ask the counsellor to help coach you through communicating about difficult subjects. This is a great way for couples to learn new ways of relating to each other over issues that they often disagree about.

Post-wedding Coaching

Even if you don’t feel like there are specific hot button issues you need to deal with, you can do the equivalent of pre-marital coaching after you get married. (Post marital counseling? Doesn’t sound quite right!)

This is a systemized approach to allow you to identify growth areas in your marriage with a counselor. You go through them in a structured way that helps you to discuss these issues profitably helping you gain deeper insight and understanding. The counsellor helps you model your own healthy ways of interacting around these growth areas.

Books

Don’t forget that reading books is a great option. Anything by Dr. John Gottman is going to be helpful – especially books like The Relationship Cure or The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Also, Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, and Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage that we mentioned earlier.

Spoken Word

Of course, you can also learn by digesting good marriage content like what you get in our podcast. If a marriage speaker comes to a church near you, make sure you attend. Don’t miss out on the opportunity to attend marriage conferences or retreats if they are available in your area.

These are all ways to fill in the gaps left behind by poor role models.

Yes, it can be a real challenge not to have had good role models, but the good news is you don’t have to let this define you. You are not doomed to walk in the footsteps of the role models you did have. You can live differently. You can make your own choices.

Think of the kings whose lives are recorded in the Old Testament of the Bible. You would have 3 or 4 generations that would make really bad choices, one after the other. Then all of a sudden you would have someone like Josiah who became a king at the age of 8.

“Josiah was eight years old when he began to reign, and he reigned in Jerusalem one and thirty years. And he did that which was right in the sight of the LORD, and walked in the ways of David his father, and declined neither to the right hand nor to the left.” 2 Chronicles 34

Unlike his forefathers, Josiah led a balanced life: ‘declined neither to the right hand or to the left’. He completely obliterated the idolatry of his forefathers and repaired the house of the Lord (v.8).

At the end of v 33, we see the impact of a man who eradicated the problems of a former generation and grounded his personal life and mission on the things of God: “And all his days they departed not from following the Lord, the God of their fathers.”

Josiah completely reversed the impact of generations of poor role models, and he did it on a national scale. Think of the potential of just doing this for your own marriage and for your own children!

This also highlights the need to attend to our own needs: Self Care. We are reminded in 1 Tim 4:16 to “take heed unto thyself…for in doing this thou shalt both save thyself and them that hear thee”.

So, be encouraged to face the realities of the role models you have had, even if they were not what they should have been.

You can be the person, with help from God, who breaks a generational pattern of neglect, of poor or broken marriages, of children loved inadequately and brings something new and more powerful, and healthy to your marriage and to your children, and to your children’s children.

[i] Penelope Lockwood et al., “To Do or Not to Do: Using Positive and Negative Role Models to Harness Motivation,” Social Cognition 22, no. 4 (August 2004): 422–50.

[ii] Penelope Lockwood, Tara C. Marshall, and Pamela Sadler, “Promoting Success or Preventing Failure: Cultural Differences in Motivation by Positive and Negative Role Models,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 31, no. 3 (March 2005): 379–92.

...

Because debt reduction is fundamentally a mental issue, not a financial one, this may be a different take on debt reduction that what you might be used to hearing. We’ll give some practical strategies and tactics, but first let’s figure out HOW we think about debt.

Finances are a major stressor for most marriages, so here is a checkpoint for you personally. You might already know this, but if you’re not 100% sure, sit down with your spouse and ask them what meanings they assign to debt. Ask the questions: How does debt impact you or affect you? What do you feel when you think about the debt we have right now?

I know that Caleb and I experience debt differently, but empathy comes from understanding. Caleb is more comfortable with debt, as long as he has a sense that his income will cover the payments to repay it, but because he knows that I am less comfortable with it (as in, totally-anxious, make-me-sick uncomfortable), he is very considerate and will not go into debt without me being totally on board with it first.

How we think about debt is critical, so today, we start with the psychology that you need to wrap your mind around before you think about what you can wrap your income around.

To give you a frame for background, let’s look at some research. In 2011, 63 couples with great marriages were asked about their finances.[i]

A few themes became clear showing that part of the success of great marriages is due to a careful, effective reduction of debt. Happy couples were more likely to pay off debt as quickly as possible. They were less likely to use credit cards at all, or just used them as a convenience and paid them off monthly. The couple shared the common goal of debt reduction.

Common goals are critical because if you can’t agree on this, it’s not going to be possible to move forward to debt reduction. If this is your situation, you’re either going to have to accept the reality that your spouse isn’t going to change or find another way to have a conversation about debt that your spouse can relate to. When you do that, you’re giving them a choice whether they want to act out of a place of empathy or choose to disregard your concerns. All you can do it put it out there to start with.

Another theme that showed up in this study was that some couples started with a debt-free philosophy and others came to it over time. This is helpful as you have to see yourself as creating a great marriage and get comfortable with the fact that you are in development together. Give it time – give your mutual commitment to debt reduction time to develop and shape itself in your marriage as part of your common goal settings.

The question arises though: if debt reduction is a critical part of a successful marriage, why is it so hard to actually get on the same page about it?

There are actually predictors of debt found through some extensive research studies. For example, one study found that health status and levels of changes in income are very robust predictors of debt in general.

In other words, if your health is poor and/or your income never changes over an extended period of time, you’re most likely to be in debt.

The same study found that for intermittent and chronic debt, locus of control, family structure during adolescence, socioeconomic status, work effort, and marital status are robust predictors. Self-esteem also plays specifically into chronic debt.

Anything considered to be a disadvantage in life generally is indeed a disadvantage with regards to debt reduction. Sounds discouraging… Let’s look at Locus of Control a little closer.

Locus of Control (LOC) is a concept from personality psychology that puts your personal belief about whether you have control over life or not on a continuum from external to internal. If it’s external you believe that fate, or God, or chance really initiates all the things that happen in your life. If it’s internal you believe that you have control over all of the things that happen within your own power.

Now, considering the list we just mentioned there is a lot there to speak to the external locus of control. Meaning our struggles with debt could be portrayed as outside factors, many of which we feel are outside of our control, which leads to a sense of feeling stuck and unable to change.

Watson points out that:

if your LOC orientation is primarily external, you are more likely to use external controls, such as financial resources and purchasing activities to achieve a sense of control,

if your LOC is primarily internal, you are less likely to misuse credit cards and much less likely to be compulsive in your buying behaviours.[ii]

Perhaps, if you have an external LOC you believe that debt is inevitable, that you need to buy what you need to buy because life just happens, or you even buy to feel a sense of control when so many other parts of your life feel out of control.

If you are in this category, you really want to pause and think about how your LOC beliefs are influencing your purchasing behaviours. It is not so much about what you actually need or want and more about how you feel about how life treats you. You’re trying to rationalize what is actually psychological and belief-oriented rather than practical and objective.

When you think of all the factors that go into debt reduction, it is crucial to stop and really think about if you have behaviours that are more driven by underlying psychology you’ve ever really considered. Engage in personal growth as a long-term strategy for debt reduction.

We know that HOW WE THINK about debt affects our financial status, but what can we do about it? Let’s get practical about how to reduce debt.

HIGH-INTEREST RATE FIRST

There are a couple of different ways of looking at this. The US Securities and Exchange Commission website says, “No investment strategy pays off as well as, or with less risk than, eliminating high-interest debt.

Most credit cards charge high-interest rates – as much as 18% or more – if you don’t pay off your balance in full each month. If you owe money on your credit cards, the wisest thing you can do is pay off the balance in full as quickly as possible.

Virtually no investment will give you returns to match at 18% interest rate on your credit card. That’s why you’re better of eliminating all credit card debt before investing. Once you’ve paid off your credit cards, you can budget your money and begin to save and invest.”

The website also tells you to stop using your credit cards, figure out how much you owe, and then pay off the card with the highest rate.

This works for some people, but others need to see a change to be motivated by it.

SNOWBALL METHOD

Dave Ramsey uses a different approach called the snowball method, which goes in a different direction than the US Commission’s method.

Dave Ramsey’s premise is similar to ours - that this is mostly about behaviour and psychology and less about math. He acknowledges that paying off high-interest loans first makes the most sense mathematically but in terms of the psychology of success, he has created what he calls the snowball method.

The snowball method is where you aim to pay off the smallest debt first to create momentum. Everything else is kept on minimum payments. When you get that smallest debt paid off, you take the payments from that and add them to the minimum for the next largest debt. As you knock off these smaller debts you’re also increasing the payment size as you move to larger debts.

It took me a few minutes to wrap my head around this and it’s hard to talk through but let me try to paint a picture:

Say you have $1,000 debt on a furniture purchase that is $100/month payments. Imagine there’s no interest so that the math is simple.

And you have $10,000 on a car loan that’s $500 a month

Also, let’s say $30k on credit cards and you’ve been paying $1000 a month on that

The snowball method says to make the minimum payments on everything. So, let’s say you can drop the CC to $750 a month.

What you do then is you take the $250 you’re not paying onto the credit card and add that to the $100 a month for the $1000 furniture debt. Now, it is $350/month against that in total. The furniture debt is cleaned up in about three months.

Then you take that $350 plus the $500 you have for the car loan and pay the car loan down at $850 a month. It would take about 9-10 months to clean that up because you’ve already been paying the minimum payments while repaying the furniture debt.

Once you’re done paying off the car loan, you take the $850/mo from that, add the $750/mo you were doing onto the CC and pay $1600/mo against the credit card debt. Previously, you had been paying $1000/mo on the CC. At this point, you are paying $600 more but you have already eliminated 11k in debt and in about 3 years you’d have all of your debt eliminated.

That’s how you snowball. You’re achieving wins along the way and you’re creating this larger snowball for attacking the larger debts.

The key here is that once you have the furniture paid off you don’t put that $100/month into your family budget for spending money. You keep leveraging the payments power by snowballing them.

You want to achieve cumulative payments. You want to start with the smallest debts so you are giving your self rewards by feeling the success of getting stuff paid off.

If you’re facing debt, remember the first step is to get on board with each other. If you don’t want to do what your spouse wants, or your spouse isn’t on the same page, be gentle with each other. Find out what is really going on for you and why you’re stuck.

Then work on moving towards a place where you can honor the dream of being debt-free. Even if it’s not super important for you – you can give that as a gift to your spouse.

If you get stuck, we can help!

This is Part 5 of 5. Make sure you view the rest of the series:

...

Ever get nailed by a surprise bill? Yeah, you knew insurance was due for the year but you thought it wasn’t till next month? This episode is about pain relief! More specifically, relief from the impact of those bigger, occasional, or annual bills.

Not only do we need to keep track of our everyday expenses and budget for them, we also need to set up the part of our budget that deals with mid and long term planning. Emergencies also arise, so being prepared for those is very important too.

We often fall into the if-then trap of “If I won the lottery, then everything would be fine financially”. Ironically, most lottery winners totally train wreck their lives. The words of the Bible are so true, “Wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but whoever gathers little by little will increase it.” (Proverbs 13:11).

Because this is so true, we need to step away from this if-then principle and start working on consistent strategies of gathering little by little. Another reason to start this is most of us are not going to win the lottery, have huge inheritances from our parents, or a windfall from the stock market!

There is something called the family stress theory which predicts that improved communication about finances should decrease hostility and increases warmth and supportive behaviours.

You need to talk through all this budgeting stuff with your spouse because not only is financial stewardship the right thing to do, but it is also a significant factor in improving the quality of your marriage relationship.

The researchers cited that financial factors predict 15% of marital satisfaction. That’s a lot of satisfaction based on ONE factor! This means that the greater your financial problems, the lower the quality of your relationship. Financial issues create emotional distress and part of reducing that stress is not only budgeting month to month but also making sure you have a plan for the larger bills and for creating long term savings for yourselves.[i]

Long-Term or Retirement Savings

One great strategy to creating wealth for the future is to find a financial advisor. The intentionality and the relationship you build with your advisor forms a kind of accountability and helps you get real and determined about your savings.

People who use a financial advisor:

End up establishing long term goals and work towards filling them

Actually, sit down and calculate their financial needs for retirement

Create savings accounts dedicated to retirement

Increase the amount of money they save regularly

Report greater retirement confidence

Accumulate significantly higher levels of emergency funds.

If you want these things to be true of you, then you might seriously consider getting a financial advisor who is trained and qualified in helping you create your own retirement savings plan.[ii] Since we got ours, it has created useful discussion and helped us to be very clear, consistent and confident about our own savings.

Another way to make wealth grow is by living within your means and saving. Here are four key concepts to think about:

Keep finances simple and live within your means. Get loans paid off: credit lines or equity loans, automobile loans and credit card debt. All these things enable you to live beyond your means.

Save and invest 10% of your earned income annually. This is especially critical if you are employed as a wage-earning family.

Whatever proceeds come from your investments, that income should be reinvested, ideally, all of it. Interest income should be put back into the investments as a long-term strategy to multiply your wealth.

Exchange wealth-depreciating assets for wealth-creating assets. [For example, if you were to exchange the asset value of your 50k main vehicle, your 30k second vehicle and your 40k camper trailer and choose 2 vehicles (used) worth 10k and 6k, and scrap the camper. Then you could invest just over 100k in a down payment on a rental house, which would build wealth rather than reduce it.]

A family in the USA with moderate income who is willing to make these changes would free up approximately an additional $14 000 per year for wealth creation.[iii]

I can almost hear some of you saying now that you’d rather have the freedom that comes with credit card debt than the constraints of a budget. You are not alone! Caleb can sympathize, as he feels bound by a budget. However, we need to understand the psychological strategies we can use to help ourselves do what we need to rather than what we feel like doing.

Here are three stages of accumulating savings with the psychological strategies and behaviours to make them happen.[iv]

Take some money you planned to consume and save it instead. Or, exchange your time for more income.

Psychological: When you’re thinking about reallocation, the psychological strategy that goes along with it is goal setting. Set a goal. Focus on it mentally. Get encouragement from family or friends. Even choose specific sources of income like a bonus or tax refund, to help you achieve that goal.

Behaviour: Work on being efficient. Buy smarter. Buy cheaper with coupons or off-brand alternatives. Budgeting really helps here because you can move money that would have gone to expenses over to savings.

Make your money hard to spend – convert it from something that’s easy to access to something that is harder to get to.

Psychological: Think about your savings as a bill – an expense that you have to pay. Create a mental shift and trick yourself into believing it is obligatory.

Behaviour: Make a deposit into your savings account immediately after getting your paycheque before you make other purchases. Ideally, set it up as an auto transfer to happen immediately after your income is deposited. Make it a passive transaction so it just happens automatically and you don’t even think about it.

Once you start accumulating wealth or savings, make sure you keep it. It is easy to see $50K sitting there and decide to buy a boat or some other toy.

Psychological: Create simple rules. Decide what your savings are for and make your money off-limits for anything but that purpose. Make a list of what you can pay for from that money - no exceptions.

Behaviour: Put your savings in a place where the money is difficult to access – even into an account where it is locked in or has a fee to extract it, if necessary. You do NOT want your retirement savings sitting on the other end of a debit card.

You may have decided by this point that retirement savings are not important as you’re going to die with your boots on and never retire. That’s fine and dandy, but what if your spouse continues to live for 20 years after you go? Remember this has to make sense for both of you. Talk about it!

Short-Term or Annual Savings

Having a budget for annual expenses is a great stress reducer. It is never pleasant to get that $1200 bill for car insurance if you’re not ready for it. Paying the bill on a monthly schedule is not necessarily the smart way to go if you have interest or service fees.

So, the solution is to save month by month for these expenses.

Just to give you a personal example here: We have a number of yearly expenses that are larger than would fit comfortably into our monthly budget. These are things like house insurance, car insurance, property tax, income tax, propane (how we heat our house), and vehicle tires (not necessarily yearly but regularly).

What we have done is taken each of these amounts, added them up for a grand total, and then divided that number by 12. We then set aside that amount monthly into an account called “Annual savings”. When these bills arrive, it is so easy and STRESS-LESS to be able to just pay them out of that savings account. There is no stress or drama.

To sum up, we have many different types of expenses in our lives, some are short term and others are long term. All of them need to be paid, and having a savings plan to make sure the money is there when needed is so important.

Make sure you have that conversation as a couple to make sure you’re on the same page as to your goals and visions. Then start in a practical way to work towards that financial freedom you both dream of. Not having to worry about money can reduce a lot of stress and friction in your marriage! Need some help? Give us a shout!

This is Part 4 of 5. Make sure you view the rest of the series:

Part 1: Why You Need To Budget

Part 2: How to Negotiate a Budget With Your Spouse

Part 3: How to Create Your Family Budget

Part 5: How to Reduce Debt

[i] Kevin J. Zimmerman and Carl W. Roberts, “The Influence of a Financial Management Course on Couples’ Relationship Quality,” Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning 23, no. 2 (2012): 46–54,81.

[ii] Mitchell Marsden, Cathleen D. Zick, and Robert N. Mayer, “The Value of Seeking Financial Advice,” Journal of Family and Economic Issues 32, no. 4 (December 2011): 625–43, doi:https://dx.doi.org/10.1007/s10834-011-9258-z.

[iii] Ivan F. Beutler, “What Makes Wealth Grow? A Wealth Sensitive Financial Statement Analysis,” Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning 25, no. 1 (2014): 90–104.

[iv] Sondra G. Beverly, Amanda Moore McBride, and Mark Schreiner, “A Framework of Asset-Accumulation Stages and Strategies,” Journal of Family and Economic Issues 24, no. 2 (Summer 2003): 143.

Today we’re getting into the nitty-gritty of HOW to create a family budget.

We’ve done budgets and had to revisit them. We haven’t always been consistent with keeping a budget with moves and job transitions. But when we are budgeting, the stress in our marriage is much lower!

First, let’s clarify what we know from what we don’t know.

We know:

That there are many sound, recommended financial practices

That these practices come from reliable sources

That following these financial practices actually works and produces greater net worth and increased life satisfaction

That only a minority of people uses them.

Which leads us to what we don’t know:

We don’t know why we frequently do not use them

We don’t know why, when we do use these tools, we don’t always use them properly. This scenario is typical for most families.[i]

So let's talk about discussing your budget and the role that personal qualities play in the likelihood of your success in establishing a budget before turning to the steps by which you'll create your own budget.

Discussing Your Family Budget

It’s difficult to have a productive discussion about the budget itself because most couples do not discuss the meanings they give to budgeting.

So have a discussion with your spouse to get this stuff out on the table. Don’t fight about what to spend or attempt to talk to each other into budgeting, just aim for understanding. Your spouse is not on board? This is not the time for hot debate. Rather, seek to understand WHY your spouse does not want to actually follow through with the budget. What is the meaning behind the resistance? It's been my experience (Caleb) in working with couples that there is often a valid reason why resistance is present.

You need to do this because it’s no fun banging out an awesome budget only to have your spouse say, “Good for you! Let me know how that goes!”

That sucks… So make sure you’re on the same page by having a good discussion first. Often if you can get to a discussion at the meanings level, you'll be able to connect and get on the same page. Listening to understand is a vital skill for this type of conversation.

Remember, you’re not alone. If you can’t settle on this together, reach out for help and we’ll set up some counseling.

Understand Personal Qualities

So after you’ve discussed and understood the meanings you each ascribe to budgets, the next step is to grasp the impact your personal qualities have on budgeting.

For example, discipline (as a quality) and knowledge (of financial matters) are qualities that impact one’s ability to establish and follow a budget. Possessing these qualities will help you make progress against your financial goals.[ii]

If you don’t feel you have these qualities: don’t fret. It's gonna be ok.

What this means is that budgeting is possible for everyone who wants to do it because personal qualities can be developed and action is a result of choice. Anyone can make choices. So be encouraged! Have a good conversation to find out where each of you are at, then make decisions together and take action. Again, it’s not unrealistic to think that you might need to reach out for help.

Creating Your Family Budget

Caleb blended content from both the Australian government (ASIC)[iii] and Dave Ramsey to provide a robust description of how to create your budget in this episode.[iv]

Both resources are really valuable, and we’re taking the best of both of them and blending them because they really get along well. We know it can be overwhelming to create a budget, so let’s break it down.

There are four steps here:

Track your current spending

Compare money in and money out

Prioritize where you want your money to go

Take steps to make your money work for you.

1. Track Your Current Spending

The easiest way to start budgeting is simply to start tracking where your money currently goes. Do not try to change your spending, just keep track of it so you know what you’re dealing with and can assess the situation. Do this for a period of time; at least one week or a pay period, but the best is if you run it for a month.

All this tracking is going to enable you to make better choices in Step 3.

2. Compare Money In and Money Out

Get clear on your income.

Your income is typically comprised of your payslips, your bank statements (including any interest being earned) and investment statements. If your income is variable, either average it out (based on last year’s earnings) or create a 5-6 month strategy to set aside enough so that you can live off the previous month’s income.

Figure out how much money is going out of the work you did in the previous step. At this point, also use your best guess if you think there are other things you should consider that didn’t happen last month (e.g., budgeting for vehicle maintenance).

Next, compare your income and expenses so that you know how to prioritize your budgeting:

If you are spending less than you earn then budgeting is about balancing spending versus saving

If you are spending more than you earn then budgeting is about reducing your expenses so you don’t keep creating debt.

So compare money in to money out and choose the correct course of action

3. Prioritize Where You Want Your Money To Go

There are usually three categories of money for every family:

Income

Needs expense (e.g., groceries, rent or mortgage, utilities)

Wants expense (e.g., saving, dining out, entertainment)

The first step is to highlight on your list of expenses from #1 your needs. Add these to your budget first.

Second is to identify your wants: things you could do without if you had to. For this, ask the question (especially if you are overspending): what can I cut out or cut back?

Think of this in terms of a switch or save:

Switch:

Are there memberships or subscriptions you can cancel or get for a lower cost (e.g., gyms, clubs, magazines, online gaming)

Are there less expensive mobile phone plans?

Can you shop around for a better deal on car insurance?

Are you paying for more health coverage than you need?

Save:

What can you get for free elsewhere? (e.g., can you use the Internet at the library for a while?)

How can you spend less on groceries

Can you reduce your spending on eating out by packing lunches or planning meals better?

Can you turn lights and appliances off to cut back on electricity?

Go through and identify the savings and cuts you can make. As you go through this, discuss them with your spouse so you both agree and ask yourselves, are these reductions realistic?

Now add these in along with the needs part of your budget. It may be helpful to categorize items into groups (Utilities, Entertainment & Travel, etc.). Identify what you will spend on each item on a monthly basis

Add up all of these needs and wants and revise the list until your outflow is less than your net income. Keep revising until you achieve this.

4. Take Steps To Make Your Money Work For You

Time for action!

Set up important bills so they are paid by direct deposit (things like rent or mortgage, personal loans or car payments, debt and so on).

Smooth out your big bills. We’ll talk more about this in our next post but if your car insurance is $1,200 per year, set aside $100 a month to pay for that.

Now you have your budget and your money flowing nicely. You’ll want to check your budget monthly and see how you did. Once you get in the rhythm of it, it’s still a good idea to review this together quarterly.

One of the guiding principles here is to make sure that every dollar has a place to go. If you don’t plan to spend it, you should plan to save it.

If adhering to the budget is a problem it may be helpful to use an envelope system. Put the budget for the pay period or month in one envelope per category. When you run out of grocery money, it’s time to start eating leftovers or digging deep in the freezer! This tactic really forces you to start thinking about the consequences of your spending.

Personal Qualities for Family Budgeting

By using these tactics and strategies you’ll really begin to create the discipline and action that will serve so well in many areas of life. These core qualities can be learned by anyone and will help you create the life you want.

Make your dollars work for you! Again, if you need any help with this, feel free to reach out. Investing in some coaching to help you get on the right track financially will pay dividends for years to come.

This is Part 3 of 5. Make sure you view the rest of the series:

Part 1: Why You Need To Budget

Part 2: How to Negotiate a Budget With Your Spouse

Part 4: Budgeting for Annual Bills, Emergencies & Savings

Part 5: How to Reduce Debt

References

[i] Glenn Muske and Mary Winter, “An In-Depth Look at Family Cash-Flow Management Practices,” Journal of Family and Economic Issues 22, no. 4 (Winter 2001): 353–72.

[ii] Barbara O’Neill et al., “Successful Financial Goal Attainment: Perceived Resources And Obstacles,” Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning 11, no. 1 (2000): 1–12.

[iii] Australian Government Australian Securities & Investments Commission, “Budgeting,” February 18, 2015, https://www.moneysmart.gov.au/managing-your-money/budgeting.

[iv] “Free Download: Dave’s Guide to Budgeting,” accessed June 16, 2015, https://www.daveramsey.com/blog/free-download-budgeting-guide/.