Normalize therapy.

If you’re living with another human being in this wonderful institution called marriage, then there is a good chance that at some point in your experience as a couple, your spouse is going to experience anxiety. I’ve seen this over and over and believe me, some couples handle it much better than others. Here are some how-to’s and how-not-to’s.

This topic was actually spawned by a conversation Caleb had some time ago with a frustrated husband. We’ll call him John. John’s wife was really struggling with anxiety and he was trying to fix it. (Trying to fix anxiety is about as effective as calming a puppy down by playing with it – and it’s a lot less fun!) He was bitter and frustrated and fed up.

He was still in love and still committed, just really struggling with it all, so Caleb asked him to do something. He asked John to reach way down inside himself and see if he could find compassion, then to act out of that place of compassion.

John decided to give it a try and their marriage turned a corner that day. There were still moments of anxiety and frustration, but when Caleb checked in with John sometime later, he and his wife were together. And not just together as in they stayed married, but they were together in the middle of her struggles. That’s a precious thing.

That true-life story is a bit of a spoiler for where we’re going here, but this is where we need to start. If your spouse experiences anxiety, you cannot reason it out. You cannot talk him or her off that ledge through reason, persuasion, manipulation, threats, or anything like that. The battle with anxiety is never won as long as you think you’re in a battle.

The biggest blessing you can give a spouse who struggles with anxiety is the gift of compassion. This will help you yourself also as it is way easier to be compassionate towards an anxious person than it is to fight their anxiety.

Fighting anxiety never works. Only compassion will effectively uproot anxiety.

But let me give you an example of what compassion is not. I was observing a couple (let’s call them Bob and Betty) at a ferry terminal one time. They were obviously dating. She had just missed a ferry, and the next boat wouldn’t leave for another two hours. Because of this, she would miss her night shift at the hospital. At this point, Betty was becoming quite distressed about the situation, and dear Bob was trying to help. Unfortunately, he had missed the “com” part of compassion and was just trying to use passion to ease the situation.

For every statement Betty would make, Bob would just respond, “I love you Betty” and try to hug and kiss her. Well, I’m sorry, Bob, but that was not helping! Betty was becoming more and more frantic, pushing Bob away and trying to avoid him. Obviously, Bob loved Betty, but it didn’t look to her (or me!) that he cared about what she was going through in the moment.

Compassion means that you acknowledge and understand what the anxious person is going through. It does not mean that you ignore their feelings. Can you imagine?

“I missed the ferry, what am I going to do?”

“I love you, Betty” Kiss kiss

“Oh good, I was worried about your love when the ferry left without me... Now I can’t get to work. I need this shift so bad so that I can make the car payment this month.”

“It’s ok. I love you, Betty”

“Phew, I’m glad your love will make me enough money to pay the bank… What am I going to do?”

“I love you, Betty. Let’s make out.”

“Ok, obviously your love solves every dilemma. Let’s get married" - NOT!

There is a difference between supporting your spouse with compassion and ignoring your spouse’s needs while showing passion. You need to love. You need to provide a safe, committed, secure relationship.  That safe place is going to be the anchor that your spouse needs to get through this hard time.

What is Anxiety?

Some anxiety is very brief and situational – like the feeling right before a major job interview. It can also be more prolonged and diffuse as in the case of generalized anxiety disorder.

Panic attacks are another type of anxiety. A panic attack is a normal physiological reaction but it occurs without a valid cue.

Agoraphobia is the fear that one might lose control if he or she ventures from a safe environment. It involves a real sense of powerlessness.

Social phobia is a fear of having to engage in social interactions.

All types of phobia’s cause anxiety.

How to Support an Anxious Spouse?

If your spouse grew up in a family where love was conditional, where safety was an uncertain and rare commodity, or where he or she was not wanted, then these conditions would leave him or her vulnerable to anxiety (and depression).

If you are loving and kind to your spouse when they’re calm, and distant, angry or frustrated when they’re not, what are you doing? You’re reinforcing that same message from your spouse's family of origin and making your spouse more vulnerable to anxiety and depression.[i]

Instead, you want to do whatever you can to help your spouse feel secure. Secure adults believe that they are worthy of the care, concern and affection of others and this will make them more comfortable in the marriage. Fearful adults appear to anticipate rejection and insensitivity from their spouse and will be less comfortable and engaged in the marriage.

There’s a Bible verse in 1 John 4 that says that “perfect love casts out fear”. While it can be a huge challenge to be in relationship with a very anxious spouse, this is an opportunity for you to accept and rise to the challenge of learning to love really, really well (unlike Bob, who didn’t understand that love was more than empty words). Love that is unconditional, consistent, secure and authentic will go a long way to undermining feelings of anxiety. To show this kind of love, you need to find compassion for your spouse at the point where you feel most frustrated.

And anxiety can be both difficult and frustrating. Your spouse can tell though, the difference between a spouse who is supporting them and a spouse who is frustrated with them.

The scary thing about being the frustrated spouse is that the hostility your spouse senses activates and reinforces negative self-evaluations and negative core beliefs which perpetuates the anxiety. Not only that, but the hostility adds stress and undermines your spouse’s motivation to change. Think about it – if I struggle with anxiety and know that it is frustrating for you, why would I want to make any effort to get closer to your hostility? It just does not work.[ii]

So, we’ve seen that neither frustration, hostility nor fighting help an anxious spouse; it is love and compassion and security that will help them cope and heal.

Can Anything You Say Help?

We may think we need to be like Bob, and only send affirmations of love to our anxious spouse. But remember, love is not empty platitudes.

By the way, Bob could have got a lot further with Betty if he had started with empathy, and tried some clear communication/questions to find out more of what she was feeling and the ramifications of her situation – would she lose her job over this, etc.

Love also means speaking the truth. It has been noted that non-hostile criticism can actually help an anxious spouse. [Non-hostile criticism is just fancy language for constructive feedback.] If you can give your spouse feedback that does not in any way communicate rejection but provides an alternative, more balanced perspective to negative thoughts and beliefs, it is likely your spouse will consider it. The key part is that is cannot communicate rejection in any way.

Going back to Betty and Bob, let’s create a hypothetical scenario to emphasize this:

If Bob, getting frustrated with Betty, told her in a gruff voice to just calm down, it would have sent the signal that he was not happy with her feelings which, given her emotions at that moment, she would have sensed keenly as disapproval and rejection.

Instead, Bob could have started with empathy and told her how disappointing it must be to miss the ferry and scary that she may not be able to make the car payment.

At this point, once Betty knows that Bob cares and understands, Bob could provide some alternative thoughts about the situation such as switching shifts with a co-worker, or arranging a flight that would get her there on time, etc.

Remember, the feedback needs to be full of assurance and security and not in any way communicate rejection. People that perceive negative criticism from their spouse are more likely to have higher ratings of anxiety and depression. In fact, a person who is in treatment for anxiety may not do as well if their spouse is negative towards them.[iii]

Researchers are actually finding that the work they do at the clinic with a person who experiences anxiety can be undermined by the negative hostility of the spouse at home. These people do not respond to treatment nearly as well as those that have supportive spouses.[iv] If you can take negative criticism and hostility right out of the equation, you give your spouse a much stronger opportunity to overcome the anxiety they are experiencing.

Your spouse feels anxiety the most when he or she is desperately trying to reduce the uncertainty around an outcome that he or she cannot control. We do live in a very uncertain world, but the one thing you can make certain is that your spouse is in a marriage that is loving, secure, and stable. That is a huge certainty point that will repel the fear that lies at the heart of anxiety.

[i] “Adult Romantic Attachment and Cognitive Vulnerabilities to Anxiety and Depression: Examining the Interpersonal Basis of Vulnerability Models - ProQuest Psychology Journals - ProQuest,”

[ii] Richard E. Zinbarg, Jeong Eun Lee, and K. Lira Yoon, “Dyadic Predictors of Outcome in a Cognitive-Behavioral Program for Patients with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in Committed Relationships: A ‘Spoonful of S

Perhaps you’ve never gone through an affair in your marriage. Or perhaps you have. Have you ever felt the gut wrenching kick to your heart, or spent sleepless nights wondering where he is or what he’s doing? Or maybe you’re completely numb and not feeling anything anymore…

There is nothing quite like the pain of betrayal.

But life doesn’t end there.

Even if it feels like it should.

So how do you move on?

Slowly and carefully and painfully and deeply. I would really recommend that if something this major happens to your marriage that you seek professional help from a therapist. But, I also know that life happens and sometimes therapy is not an option, so here are some ideas that I pray will give you some help and hope.

I hope this will help even if you’ve never experienced the bombshell of discovering an affair because at some level we have all experienced some kind of betrayal in our relationship – even just at the level of our spouse letting us down on some issue that is not at all adulterous. So translate the word ‘betrayal’ for ‘affair’ if that suits your situation better. Also, translate ‘him’ for ‘her’ (or ‘wife’ for ‘husband’) if that reflects your world too because I know that it’s not only men that betray - I’m female, so I’ll be writing from my gender’s point of view.

If you’ve been betrayed by an affair, it is your choice what you want to do with your marriage. Your husband has broken his marriage vows. For now, I’m going to assume that you both want to recover your marriage and create a stronger, better future relationship.

And have hope, because often the “post-affair” marriage is sweeter and stronger and closer than the marriage ever was before!

If this is you – you’ve been hurt so severely, but want to recover your marriage – there are three stages that you’ll need to go through.[i]

Stage 1: The Emotional Impact of the Affair

The emotional impact of an affair is absolutely devastating. Give yourself permission to feel the feelings that come up. Don’t try to stuff them or cover them up. You have every right to feel what you’re feeling. Try to identify what you’re feeling and even where you’re feeling it so you can communicate what you feel to your spouse. Again, get professional help if you can, to help you work through the impact of your situation.

Another factor at this stage – more practical than emotional, is if you both want to work through what has happened in your marriage, then the affair relationship must stop!

Husband – this may mean grieving the loss of that relationship (but don’t expect much empathy here…) and then taking steps to ensure it does NOT start again. Let your extramarital partner know that you are committed to working on your marriage and to do that you must END the relationship and have no further contact.

But back to feelings.

As a couple, one of the first things you’ll be dealing with is the overwhelming feelings generated by the affair. They’re going to be intense. There’s going to be anger and betrayal and shock and hopelessness. It’s going to feel like a black hole that you can’t get out of.

Try to express these feelings to your husband. Let him know how his actions made you feel. He caused it, he deserves to know about it. Now, this is not the time to have a screaming rant at your husband. It’s a lot easier for him to embrace a wounded woman who has been hurt beyond imagination than a woman attacking him. You need to express these feelings in a way he can accept them, and then he needs to acknowledge and validate them.

Husband – this is NOT the time to be defensive or to minimize. Hear how your wife really feels and support her in those feelings.

These discussions need to be limited to finite periods of time that you purposefully set aside – a continual hashing and rehashing is not useful. Take specific times to sit down and discuss these feelings; first the wife, then the husband. This will help you both to clarify and understand each other more.

What Do I Need to Know About the Affair?

Please ladies, don’t go into “fact-finding” mode. It’s easier to talk about facts than feelings – I get that. But the endless search for facts just keeps you away from the harder and more helpful work of talking about your feelings.

What is helpful to know is the following:

Who the extramarital partner was;

How long the affair lasted;

How often they met, and

Where they met.

Beyond that, it becomes voyeuristic detail and may just create memories and images that are almost impossible to erase from your mind. Knowing more is NOT going to help.

When you do get the urge to ask about facts, pause and ask yourself what you need at that point. Often there is a renewed need to know that your husband is committed to the marriage and that he still finds you loveable and attractive. Tell him that. Tell him what you need instead of comparing yourself and trying to see if you measure up to his ex-partner.

This is such an emotional stage of so much turmoil, but unfortunately cannot (or should not) be bypassed. If you find yourself struggling with anxiety or depression for an extended part of this stage, please go see your family doctor. You deserve it!

And one more thing, hubby: trust is rebuilt slowly. You blew it apart; you cannot reconstruct it as quickly as you would like to. Be patient.

Stage 2: Thinking Through the Affair

Once all your feelings have been largely processed and worked through, the affair will become less of an emotionally charged topic. Now begins the part where you work on the relationship. In all fairness, you will likely start this during the previous stage, but we’ll pull them apart for clarity.

Your task now is to make sense of what happened and try to identify the factors that lead to the affair. Perhaps some of these factors are only in your husband’s life and can be remedied. The hard part to swallow though is that often there was marital dysfunction present. As much as we hate to admit it, it takes two to create that dysfunction.

However, we need to note that nothing ever justifies an affair. No matter what is thrown at him, it is inexcusable for a man to go outside his marriage.

That being said, while it may anger you like crazy to consider that you had a role in this mess, denying it actually keeps you away from what you want – a sense of security and safety and renewed love. It’s a hard pill to swallow but there is, or was, some dynamic in your marriage that allowed the affair to happen. The affair is a symptom of that behaviour.

If you refuse to admit that you need to change anything, how will you ensure that your post-affair marriage will not be open to another affair? Obviously, something needs to change.

So, figure out what went wrong,

Share the responsibility for allowing the problems in your relationship to happen, and

Make the changes to ensure an affair doesn’t happen again.

Which leads us to the final stage:

Stage 3: Reconciliation, Recovery and Restructuring

Every marriage endures struggles; yours have just become particularly evident through the affair. Now that these struggles are visible to both of you, you both know what you’re working on and you can begin to rebuild. This may take from a few months to a couple of years.

This is often a phase of self-discovery where you begin to understand how your previous roles in the marriage are really rooted in your families of origin. Perhaps long-standing depression and/or anxiety will be recognized here as well and their role understood.

A key part of this stage though is the work of reconciling, which includes forgiveness. There are a number of aspects to this though.

First, you and your husband have to decide if you want to reconcile. You need to be overt and explicit about this. It has to be a real choice by both of you and, of course, safety has to be apart of this. Ask those difficult questions. Is it safe for you to have sex with your husband? Are there any STD’s now involved? Your husband needs to be able to commit to safeguards to ensure you that there is no personal risk for you in reconciling. Talking about these things is both practical and very necessary.

If you decide you do want to reconcile, then there needs to be a softening towards each other. Hopefully, this would flow from recognizing that you both created a marriage in which an affair was a possibility; you both realize your shared, flawed humanity. No lording it over your spouse, but a softness where defenses have been dropped and you’ve both made concessions toward each other.

At this point comes the hard part – forgiveness. And then holding on to it. When you’re ready, this is vital for your relationship to thrive again.

Finally, it’s time for rebuilding. There has been a downward cascade in the past that resulted in a huge crash. Now it is time to rebuild, to invest, to grow, to nourish the marriage by actively building love.

Trust and accountability are vital here.

Remember, things that may not have triggered any alarm for you before may do so now because an affair took place. Remind your husband of this. Failures in trustworthiness are inevitable, but it doesn’t mean this stage has failed. Use these falls as a growth opportunity to practice forgiveness.

Use this stage in your relationship as a time to build and enhance intimacy. Again, often the post-affair marriage is sweeter and more intimate than the marriage ever was before – so take hope!

Realize that this is a months-long, or even years-long, process, summed up in a short article, so be kind to yourself. Know that there is hope, and your marriage CAN overcome this if you are both 100% committed to recovering your relationship. But also remember, that an affair is an incredibly traumatic event which wounds to the core. Take the time you need. Sort through your feelings. Get help if you can.

[i] Gerald Weeks and Stephen Treat,...

It is a well-researched fact that having a baby usually has a negative impact on your marital satisfaction. Let’s look at the whole early parenting thing and draw out some important lessons for married couples who are parents or about to become parents.

As you transition into parenthood, you’ll want to have some pretty specific parenting and marriages strategies to make sure that mom, babe, and dad are all taken care of because babies make for busy lives! They take a lot of time.

But there is some good news here. Studies show that as demands on our time have increased over the past 40 years, generally speaking, most couples have decreased their involvement in paid employment so that they can keep up with time spent with their spouse and children.[i]

We think this is great! That shows good values are at work. It also speaks to those of you considering having children that this is something you’ll be challenged with as well so be prepared for that. Most couples are adding time into their weekdays by reducing the number of hours they work.

Weekends are a little different story. Most couples end up paying a social and personal cost for maintaining their levels of spousal time. If you’re married with kids you’re probably spending less time with friends and extended family on weekends. Again, this is reasonable.

It is so great to see that in contemporary marriages spousal companionship is important and people are prioritizing it. However, we would urge you not to become too isolated from your social networks. There needs to be a balance.

So, that’s parenting and marriage in terms of time management. Some ideas there for you if you need a change.

Now in terms of your marriage itself and how you’re relating to each other - you need to stay connected as a couple. As we’ve already established in other episodes, having kids does put a dent in your marital satisfaction, so this is something we all need to work at.

A study by some major marriage researchers looked at couples' marital friendship at the start of their marriage versus the decline over the transition to parenthood.[ii] They followed these newlywed couples for 6 years and compared the new parents to a control group who remained childless over that time.

Here is what helped mothers to have stable or increasing marital satisfaction:

The husband’s expression of fondness toward her. The more warmth he puts in, the more satisfied she feels.

The husband’s high awareness for her and their relationship. This really ties to the first one. If he is more aware of the stress she is experiencing and responds with more fondness: this is a huge help. It goes the other way too - if she is aware of his efforts to be supportive and loving, she is way more satisfied in her marriage.

Her awareness for her husband and their relationship. Not only can husbands help by being aware and acting out of that in a generous way but she also needs to be alert enough to acknowledge, receive and even reciprocate this.

What about the other side? What predicts a decline in marital satisfaction of mothers?

The husband’s negativity towards her wife. Corrosive.

The husband’s disappointment in the marriage. Also corrosive.

The husband or wife describing their lives as chaotic. Chaos as a feeling comes from the sense that there are changes in their lives that are out of control. This adds a lot of stress to a major life transition.

So, how does this transition work then? In 2006, some researchers looked at the quality of the intimate relationship six months after delivery.[iii] They uncovered four factors that were influential.

The first relates to this whole subject of transition to parenting. It’s the most mentioned category in the study. The factors here that were most frequently mentioned were the “loyal sharing of responsibility” and “mutual respect and regard”.

What is happening in these marriages that are transitioning successfully is that the dad and mom are putting aside their own needs in favour of their spouse and the baby. However, it’s tempered by not letting everything center around the baby and also by keeping an adult relationship with the parent. When our entitlement or selfishness kicks in and we start feeling resentful or disappointed…then we have a decline in marital satisfaction.

The key to resolving this is managing our expectations. We all know that having a baby in the home is hard work! If both parents are committed to unselfish giving of themselves to each other in support of this new challenge, and intentional about keeping their own connection as alive as they are about keeping this new little bundle of love alive, then good is going to come out of that.

But that leads to the second factor that influences the intimate relationship when transitioning from “couple” to “family”, which is sexuality.

If you deliver a baby naturally your doctor will tell you no sexual intercourse for six weeks and then after that, you still have the exhaustion to deal with. Most new parents are having sex one or two times a month where they were probably averaging 2-3 times a week before that. This is a big adjustment!

Again it comes to expectations. This change in sexual frequency is part of this transition to parenthood. Hopefully, it won’t (and barring complications, it shouldn’t) be a permanent reduction. But in these moments — talking to Dad’s first — is where you can start to wallow in your self-pity and feel disappointment and feel resentment. It is OK to miss what you used to have - we get that.

Look at this time as an opportunity for extra love and affection where you can build intimacy at other levels than just sexuality. Couples often find that bringing other bits of good and joy into their lives is so helpful to strengthen their togetherness; small surprises like coffee in bed, a weekend getaway, little touches here and there. Love can blossom between you without resulting in some hot sex.

Most couples during this time experience their sexuality move towards a focus on quality rather than quantity. And that’s a good thing!

Another point to consider is that even though sexuality may be reduced, sensuality does not have to be. You can still have those lingering kisses, long hugs, or caressing, which can be emphasized in place of a lot of sexuality to continue to strengthen the relationship. Again, it’s about expectations - don’t add a lot of expectations to these activities about getting sex out of them.

What we can see here is that you need to be intentional about being loving towards each other without having all of that love and affection pointed at the baby. Yes, the baby needs a lot of holding and care and attention, but you were a wife before you were a mother. And you were a husband before you were a dad.

Cosleeping

Apparently, cosleeping is a bit of a hot topic out there. To be honest, we’re not fans out it, but there are a whole of people who are. In fact, when looking at the research, you can find more articles in favour of cosleeping than not!

It’s only been with the invention of the crib and the creation of personal wealth in the last 150 years that cosleeping has become a minority activity in Western culture.

We understand why it might be a great thing and how it can help with attachment and bonding. Some people even find that the baby can grab a breast and feed without waking you up is all good…unless he grabs his dad...

A scary statistic though is that over 150 babies die in Texas every year in cosleeping arrangments. That is just shocking! But, to be fair, other studies indicate that cosleeping reduces SIDS.

So we’ll just leave you on this point with some info from a recent article by Messner and Miller.[iv]

They found that if both parents endorse the idea of cosleeping it seems that this arrangement has no negative impact on their marriage or their sleep. However, if the parents only do reactive cosleeping, which means they’re really not into it but they put up with it on occasion, their marital satisfaction declines as time spent bed-sharing increases.

It really boils down to your preference. If you can keep the sensuality and love and warmth alive, you’re both committed to cosleeping, and you know how to do it safely, then why not? Go for it – but, if you’re both not into it, it’s probably going to impact your marriage negatively.

In that case, you might want to look at negotiating a compromise where maybe the baby is in the same room but in its own bassinet. Or, if you’re like us and want your baby in another room, take those SIDS precautions, then be sure to have good bonding and attachment time with the baby at other times.

BUT… be sure to have that time with each other, in an adult way. Whether it be time to yourselves in the evening or on Saturday mornings, or whatever works for you, it is necessary to foster your marriage relationship.

What you don’t want to do is get so focused on being parents that when you get to the stage when your youngest is 7 or 8 and doesn’t need as much hands-on care and monitoring that you don’t have a marriage anymore. You just have a parenting relationship. That’s not going to end well...

[i] Jeffrey Dew, “Has the Marital Time Cost of Parenting Changed Over Time?,” Social Forces 88, no. 2 (December 2009): 519–41.

[ii] Alyson Fearnley Shapiro, John M. Gottman, and Sybil Carrere, “The Baby and the Marriage: Identifying Factors That Buffer against Decline in Marital Satisfaction after the First Baby Arrives,” Journal of Family Psychology 14, no. 1 (March 2000): 59–70.

[iii] Tone Ahlborg and Margaretha Strandmark, “Factors Influencing the Quality of Intimate Relationships Six Months after Delivery-First-Time Parents’ Own Views and Coping Strategies,” Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics and Gynecology 27, no. 3 (September 2006): 163–72.

[iv] Rosemary Messmer, Lynn D. Miller, and Christine M. Yu,...

We had this idea that we were trying to figure out. If you get really fanatical about church and ministry, does that form a point for your marriage to rally around? Or does that investment come at the expense of your marriage?

This is, in part, prompted by the observation that a lot of highly involved spiritual leaders end up with failed marriages. We don’t want to get into the whole issue of fallen pastors and spiritual leaders and the psychology behind that, although that is a very interesting – and tragic – topic, but today want to bring this into our lives.

All of us are vulnerable to going crazy about the church or some ministry or even a hobby together. As we build the meaning of our relationship around the intensity of our activity and involvement in spiritual works, we have to ask the question: Is this a good thing?

This is where it gets tricky! How could you say, “No, it’s not good to be that involved at church or in Missions work or whatever”? It seems sacrilegious. On the other hand, we do know that when we get very, very busy our marriage doesn’t feel better, it feels worse. So we need to look at what is going on and what the right balance is for us so that we can, as a couple, engage in ministry that is meaningful but do so without sacrificing our marriage.

Remember the Biblical principle found in the instructions of Samuel when he said, “To obey is better than sacrifice” (1 Samuel 15:22). This reminds us that it is better to obey the command as husbands to love our wives than it is to sacrifice our relationship with our wives.

It’s ironic how we can talk ourselves into something like it’s noble of us to sacrifice marriage and family in the name of God and for expanding his kingdom – but it is actually disobedience!

This is in no way a voice of criticism here for those who are seriously committed to serving God. Each marriage has a different tolerance for time apart vs together, the amount of activity vs together time, etc. It’s a unique balance for each couple, but the principle of obedience being better than sacrifice is one we all need to consider and reflect on.

Before we start looking into the research, let’s define a few terms.

Religiosity: a word to characterize the activity or busyness or works of faith.

Sacredness: a word meaning the process of assigning divine character or sacred significance to something. The “sacredness of marriage” is about the idea of Divine involvement/approval/blessing on the marriage.

Here’s what the research shows.

General religiosity has a very weak link with marital outcomes. In other words, being busy with ministry does not add to your marriage.

On the other hand, sacredness strongly predicts desirable marital outcomes. “Spouses who regard their unions as sacred and who sense God’s presence in their relationships tend to report more good feelings and fewer negative emotions towards their partners”.[i]

Spouses who value sacredness also generally use more collaborative problem solving and have less tendency towards aggression or stalemates in disputes. There are also more bonding experiences: everything from shared leisure, activities and conversation to a more rewarding sex life.

Fundamentally, sacredness also predicts the degree of commitment in the marriage.

We conclude from this study that the meaning we give to our marriage and the meaning that we ground our concept of togetherness on is more important than activities that we might base our marriage on. Sacredness trumps religiosity.

We’re not saying you shouldn’t go to church or be involved in serving God through various ministries. What we are seeing from the research is that there is no benefit to your marriage to place more value on these activities than on the sacredness of your marriage.

A second study from 2013 found very similar conclusions. After looking at 354 couples for a 3 year period, they found that the idea that religiosity is associated with stronger relationships is unfounded.[ii]

They did find that the key was relational virtue which they defined as commitment, sacrifice, and forgiveness (sounds like sacredness to me!).

We can see, both in terms of evidence from the research and the Scripture text we referred to (to obey is better than sacrifice) that we need to be cautious when involved in a spiritual activity that we don’t do so at the expense of our marriage.

We suggest that if you take care of your marriage first, you will be better positioned to serve more effectively in your ministry. Again, we are not discouraging you from going to church or being very engaged or involved there. What we are concerned about are the more extreme situations where we begin to define the terms of our marriage as a response to the demands of the ministry we are doing.

This is a very interesting dilemma for believers. We talk about putting God first, but none of us, as a spouse, wants to play second fiddle to our spouse’s role as an elder or preacher or pastor or whatever.

So, do we put God first or our wife first?

It is easy to say “Oh yeah, I’m putting my wife first and that’s why I don’t put anything into the church.” When we say ‘either….or’, as in it’s either God OR marriage or Ministry OR marriage, we’re asking the wrong question. The question to ask is ‘both….and’.

Husbands are commanded in the Bible to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. Husbands are also commanded to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind".

That’s why I don’t it’s ‘either…or’.

There is another scriptural principle in 1 Timothy 3 that specifically says a spiritual leader “must manage his own household well”. Here is the principle that you should be taking care of your little kingdom assigned to you by God before he is going to put you in charge of his big Kingdom.

So often we (especially men?) find ourselves searching for significance in the big Kingdom and we are so hungry for it that we’ll quite happily throw ourselves at it at the cost of our families, our little kingdom. Yet it is in the home where we learn to serve and to lead before we are qualified to do so in the church.

Balance is essential

It is legitimate for us to conclude from the scriptures and the research that we need to take care of our marriages before our ministry. From that place of fullness, security, and learning to be in a relationship, we can then move out in service to others.

Marriage has so many benefits:[iii]

Married people live longer and are physically healthier

Children and adolescents do better in married households

Worldwide, married people are happier than those who are cohabiting or single.

The list goes on, but the point is that if we want to serve God, grow personally and thrive, we do that best by taking care of our marriage first. Then, from that place of fullness and security and love and strength, we can reach out to serve in God’s bigger kingdom.

We know that the younger part of our audience is doing this already, and that’s awesome. Studies show that for younger men and women, being a good parent and having a successful marriage remains much more important than career success.[iv] We want to affirm and encourage this because it is so important to God and it should be to us as well.

[i] Christopher G. Ellison et al., “Sanctification, Stress, and Marital Quality,” Family Relations 60, no. 4 (October 2011): 404–20.

[ii] Randal D. Day and Alan Acock, “Marital Well-Being and Religiousness as Mediated by Relational Virtue and Equality,” Journal of Marriage and Family 75, no. 1 (February 2013): 164–77.

[iii] Sylvia R. Karasu, “The Institution of Marriage: Terminable or Interminable?,” American Journal of Psychotherapy 61, no. 1 (2007): 1–16.

[iv] Eileen Patten and Kim Parker, “A Gender Reversal On Career Aspirations,” Pew Research Center’s Social & Demographic Trends Project, accessed July 10, 2015, https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2012/04/19/a-gender-reversal-on-career-aspirations/.

Do you ever NOT deal with something between you and your spouse, hoping it will just blow over or that it’s a passing issue? And perhaps life does sail smoothly for a while and then later, BOOM, it comes backs to bite you!?

Making it a principle in your marriage to talk about issues sooner rather than later will save you a lot of headaches.

For example, it is my nature to procrastinate (or avoid) dealing with issues and just hope they’ll blow over or go away. Unfortunately, it never seems to work that way, and instead, all these minor issues collect behind a temporary dam.

Whenever I react with WAY TOO MUCH emotion over something small (that’s the dam bursting), it’s a good indication to me that I haven’t been dealing with the issues as they arrive.

So, what I want to know is,

WHY DO WE HOLD BACK?

As usual, let's look at the research:

A study was done in 2004 which looked at decisions to withhold complaints in marriage. It points out that even in a satisfying relationship there are almost daily relational irritations. (We’re normal, Yay!) Even though the couple may uphold the principles of open and direct communication, the spouses frequently hold back on addressing the irritations. This study then looked at how these complaints related to power in the relationship.

It turns out that the person who complains the least holds the least power because they’re withholding in order to avoid negative consequences. A spouse who values his/her relationship is more likely to encourage the expression of complaints to their spouse.[i]

Learning that blew my theories out the window. I always thought that it was the “strong one” who would let things go or suck-it-up. Turns out I was wrong…

Another thing that affected whether a spouse would bring up irritations, was the type of relationship. In a relationship with more independent spouses, where they valued companionship and closeness but also valued keeping their independence, couples were most likely to express their irritations.

More traditional relationships that are invested in stability over spontaneity and hold traditional sex roles, tend to report a moderate proportion of unexpressed irritations. Finally, more individuated companionship type relationship that maintains psychological distance and values individual freedom report the high proportion of unexpressed irritations.

What we see here, is that the ore you build a relationship focussed on a strong emotional bond and respecting each other’s individuality, the more likely you are to bring things up. Or, in more psychobabblish language, the more differentiated the relationship, the more likely you are to deal with things sooner. We have a whole episode on differentiation, but the quick gist of it is the idea of being securely bonded yet individuated is a healthy posture for marriage.

A differentiated spouse knows their marriage is not at risk and can handle the anxiety of pointing out something about their spouse that has upset them.

Daily & Palomares (2004) also looked at couples avoiding topics. They found that the more individuals reported avoiding topics overall, the less satisfied they were with their romantically involved dating relationship.  They also found a negative relationship between topic avoidance and satisfaction in families.

They conclude that people avoid topics because they are unsatisfied, and those that are satisfied are lead to discuss freely. BUT, they’re not sure about cause and effect. Does dissatisfaction lead to avoidance? Or avoidance to dissatisfaction?[ii]

We actually don’t know, but we DO know there is a correlation.

Does Holding Back Work?

We don’t think so, and neither do Daily & Palomares. The more you avoid current relationship concerns, the less satisfied you are relationally. It only makes sense that you can’t feel intimate if you can’t discuss everything.

The closeness between you is mediated by the range of topics you are free to discuss with each other. The more you limit that, the more you expand the fence line around untouchable issues, and the less you share together.

The Bible principle of Ephesians 4:27 is cited in one of the research articles we looked at. It says “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath”. Deal with things before the end of the day. (If you’re like me and are an emotional wreck when you’re overtired – agree to discuss it in the morning.)

And then there’s the good ol’ confirmation bias. This is just a big term for searching for information in a way that confirms our own preconceptions. For example, I kick the table leg and spill Caleb’s coffee when I put it down in front of him. If he already has an irritation he hasn’t brought up with me, he could easily think, “Wow, she’s mad at me for something”, and then things escalate.

Confirmation bias is the reason you can start with a small issue and then build a really big case on it.

What Do You Let Go versus What Do You Address?

There is a balance between high expectations and a healthy tolerance for each other’s humanity. We don’t want to be militant about dealing with everything, but at the same time, it’s not good to expand the untouchable fence or build up things behind the dam.

Gottman, Swanson, and Murray did a study looking at newlyweds. The results suggest that couples need to fix problems quickly and detect even small issues. Their recommendation is to not let things ride, and not let them have a chance to build up.

That still leaves me wondering; what do you need to deal with versus let go? Well, they felt that having a lower tolerance for negativity was better. Ie., it was better to be more sensitive just so that things never had a chance to escalate.

To me, this makes sense because it’s a lot easier to sort out an issue between Caleb and I when it’s really fresh and well defined and hasn’t snowballed with other issues into something much bigger.

So the conclusion? Holding back does not work. You do need to talk about it sooner rather than later.

A word of caution though, in case you’re reading this and you’re just as human as the rest of us and you’re thinking “Oh wow, I’ve got some sorting out to do… How can I ever catch up on this?” If you have built the dam up or made this large cordoned-off area of topics you can’t touch, it won’t go away overnight.

Having these discussions are essential, but be sure you approach them with certain virtues in mind. Fowers studied good listening skills in marriage: Non-defensive listening, and active listening.

Non-defensive listening: This is a skill that helps you to focus your attention on what the other person is saying and to attempt to really understand it. Refrain from interrupting and refrain from being preoccupied with formulating your own defense. This requires a good deal of self-control.

Active-listening: This includes nodding, making eye contact, grunting, summarizing your spouse’s statements and validating them. These things all send the signal back that what he or she has to say is valid and worth acknowledging.[iii]

Not only is it important to talk about things sooner rather than later, but it’s also critical to learn to do it well.

[i] Denise Haunani Solomon, Leanne K. Knobloch, and Mary Anne Fitzpatrick, “Relational Power, Marital Schema, and Decisions to Withhold Complaints: An Investigation of the Chilling Effect on Confrontation in Marriage,” Communication Studies 55, no. 1 (Spring 2004): 146–67.

[ii] Rene M. Dailey and Nicholas A. Palomares, “Strategic Topic Avoidance: An Investigation of Topic Avoidance Frequency, Strategies Used, and Relational Correlates,” Communication Monographs 71, no. 4 (December 2004): 471–96.

[iii] Blaine J. Fowers, “The Limits of a Technical Concept of a Good Marriage: Exploring the Role of Virtue in Communication Skills,” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 27, no. 3 (July 2001): 327–40.

Ouch, these were painful for me, as a wife, to find out. I don’t even want to think of the times I’ve done these things… AND didn’t even know if it was painful to Caleb.

You know, I went through the 3 Best Ways to Ruin Your Wife’s Day and totally understood EVERY ONE of them. I could relate, and fully understand how any one of them would ruin my day.

But, when it came to the things that ruined my husband’s day I actually got defensive and figured that the things weren’t actually that bad. That’s when it helps to have the research the back things up.

So without further ado:

Number one: Insult his breadwinning ability.

You know, complain about how he doesn’t make enough money for you to live on comfortably, and then go out with your girlfriends for some “retail therapy”. That will crush him really good!

Despite the advances of feminism and the increasing entry of women into the workplace over the last half century or more, the fact is that men still have this legacy belief in our culture that they carry the breadwinner role. Men’s roles have changed more slowly than women’s in that women have moved into the workplace but men haven’t moved into the family in the same way.

We are not here to give a commentary on feminism or traditional versus contemporary gender roles, but we do want to point out, dear wife, that your husband’s self-concept as a breadwinner is quite possibly a much more significant construct in his mind than you might think.

In a 2006 study, Dyke & Murphy looked at gender based definitions of success. They found that a woman’s success focused on a personal notion of balance and high importance was placed on relationships. For men, material success still loomed large; first was material success, then relationships, then making a contribution, and finally, having freedom.

Before we’re too hard on the wives – dear husband, are you sincerely a hard working man and not blowing all the dough on yourself or your truck or toys or whatever? 1 Timothy 5:8 says “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” If you are an able-bodied, able-minded man, you need to be providing for your family.

But back to the wives – if your hubby is doing his best, you need to build him up, not tear him down. The best way to ruin a hardworking man’s day is to insult him as a breadwinner when he gets home from work.

If your income is not where it needs to be, have that tough discussion. Ask yourselves the questions:

Are your expectations realistic, or do they need to be adjusted?

Are you wanting or trying to live beyond your means?

Is he on board for income growth, or in a dead-end job?

There may be a genuine need for more income. In that case, make a plan. Does he need more training or a different job, and what kind of income are you, the wife, bringing to the table? We have a whole series on budgeting if you need some help in that direction. Start with Episode 1, and go on from there.

So there it is; the number one way to ruin your husband’s day is to insult his breadwinning ability.

Number two: Drown him with emotionality and then yell, “You just don’t understand me!”

For most of you, wives, your husband doesn’t understand you completely, and that’s not entirely his fault nor yours. It is just how it is.

If you unload on him and then emphasize the fact that he doesn’t understand, he’ll probably spend part of the night and most of the next day trying to figure out what happened and what was actually going on. He’s going to do that because he loves you, but it’s probably not going to help.

When he buys you flowers he’s not just saying sorry, he’s also saying, “I have no idea what went on there, but I hope you’ll forgive me and we can move on”.

This is accentuated by another study done in 2006 by Gonzales & Koestener who looked at Valentine cards to see what the comments revealed about the romantic emotions of men vs. women.

They found that men were more likely to offer praise, whereas women were more likely to express love. Why? Men are generally uncomfortable expressing vulnerable emotions.

Which brings us to our point that the best way to blindside your husband is with emotions. We are NOT saying you can’t be emotional. In fact, we all need to be more emotionally expressive and to develop our emotional intelligence. But you need to know that most men are way more impacted by emotionality than women realize.

When faced with strong emotions, men get flooded. Their blood pressure increases as well as their heart rate and respiration. They usually start sweating. These are all symptoms of anxiety. When these things happen their cerebral cortex (brain) actually reduces its functionality which makes them less able to stay with you and stay engaged. Ironically, if you’re charged up it’s probably because you WANT engagement!

So, all these emotions are wrecking his day, and foiling what you’re trying to achieve.

The solution? Start softly. No matter how important the issue is, don’t come out of the gate at full throttle, or with your guns blazing. Start with a calm voice and use simple language. Find a way to communicate the importance of what you’re saying without using volume, high intensity or overwhelming emotion.

You may not think he even wants to understand you, but we think he would actually love to understand you, so help him do that by starting softly.

Or, if you want to ruin his day, wait until you have a good head of steam and then hit him with a loud voice, preferably shrill, with tears, anger, and so on. Try to switch between emotions of angry and sad and desperate – and even the odd bit of passion – as fast as you can. And then when he’s totally overwhelmed don’t forget the final touch: “You never try to understand me!”

Number three: Make sex as infrequent as possible and then just ‘do your duty’.

There are gender differences that are critical to understand when it comes to sexuality. McNulty and Fisher (2008) looked at gender differences in newlywed couples. When they controlled all other variables, an increase in sexual frequency increased a husband’s sexual satisfaction. The opposite also was true – a decrease in frequency resulted in lower satisfaction.

For women, however, changes in frequency did not predict changes in satisfaction. That’s a straightforward observation, but the real question is, Why?

To answer this, let’s look at a study by Birnbaum and Laser-Brandt (2002) that looked at gender differences in the experience of intercourse. They pointed out that men are more socialized towards physical gratification. Men are socialized to have this idea that there’s something pent up that needs to be released.

But there’s more to it. This study revealed that despite this physical gratification piece, men generally have a very sincere desire to please their wife. Because she is relationally focussed and expects him to be more emotionally responsive, men generally respond by being more focused on how their wife is doing during sex.

Specifically, men reported being more centered upon their wife’s needs, thoughts and reactions as well as being more preoccupied with pleasing their wife. They want to know what pleases her!

This is why we said if you want to ruin his day, not only keep sex as infrequent as possible, but you also can ruin it by just ‘doing your duty’. By that we mean not really being engaged, just giving yourself to him as an object to satisfy himself with.

Again, we’re making an assumption, husbands, that you want fully engaged sex. If you’re treating sex as a way to merely relieve yourself you’re selling yourself short, your marriage short, and you’re dishonoring your wife. Don’t settle for cheap sex.

But, if your husband is pursuing you, ladies, there’s a good chance he really wants a number of things:

To feel competent – like he’s a good lover.

Mutuality – that he’s not the only one getting gratification

Connection – with you

Pursuit – to feel pursued himself, like he is wanted.

So, our challenge to you is not to settle for cheap sex. That is a good way to ruin your husband’s day. He knows if you’re just obliging him. He really wants your pleasure too. (It goes both ways, doesn’t it? It’s a great way to ruin your wife’s day as well…)

So there you have it. Three ways to ensure your husband has a terrible day and feels as rotten about himself as possible by the end of it.

Is this where I add the warning, “Do not try this at home”?!?!

Obviously, there will be quite a bit of satire in this post and we don’t actually want you to ruin your wife’s day, but the serious part is this: we want to highlight some key gender differences between guys and gals.

Perhaps some of you are like Caleb – you came to marriage having been raised in an all-boys family, and educated in an all-boys school while going to an all-boys church… only to discover that women have certain sensitivities that aren’t even on your male radar….

Before we start, we want you to know that we believe in the equality of women and men and that your wife is worthy of respect at all times and without exception. We also believe that teasing mixed with sarcastic truth is a form of verbal abuse. However, we both enjoy teasing each other and being teased. There is a healthy way to do that. So that’s our disclaimer, and without further ado, let’s get to the top three ways to ruin your wife’s day!

Number One: Miss your lunch date with her. Later, have your secretary call, or text to apologize.

A few researchers did a study of college women and men, asking what they wanted in a marriage partner. They were asking about qualities one would want in a spouse and looking for qualities where there were gender differences and where women, in particular, placed a higher emphasis.

One of those qualities was intelligence. Really, we can’t do much about our intelligence! The other two qualities are ones we want to emphasize: women desired a spouse who would be considerate and dependable. That’s why the best way to ruin your wife’s day is to completely let her down.

Women don’t need men (in our culture) for food, housing, and basic necessities – they can get these things on their own. What they do want is a man who is dependable as a husband for themselves and a father for their children.

So, if you want to ruin your wife’s day, just make sure you’re not dependable. Don’t keep your commitments. Don’t follow through with what you promise. Let her down.

The other thing women want is a husband who is considerate. That just means being careful not to cause inconvenience or hurt to others. This is about being very thoughtful of your spouse. It will delight your wife if you are a husband who is a considerate person – you are intentional about thinking about her, her needs, her concerns and how your actions and choices impact her.

Being inconsiderate will most definitely ruin her day because it’ll feel like you don’t care about her. It can feel dismissive and make her feel neglected. Being considerate though requires you to take those moments to pause and consider her so that she is not inconvenienced or hurt.

Really, these are gentlemanly qualities.

Guys: your wife may be the type to like some grease under your fingernails, or she may like you in a tweed coat with a stack of essays under your arm as you come through the door. Regardless, what she really wants is to be married to a gentleman.

So be considerate. But also, be dependable.[i]

Number Two: Take her for granted. Best started the day after you get back from your honeymoon.

Not being considerate can be like taking your wife for granted, but we want to drill a little deeper into this second way to best ruin your wife’s day. Women just love being taken for granted… NOT!

News flash here for you husbands: most men come into marriage with the belief that their wife will keep working on the relationship. Actually, women are significantly more likely than men to carry the belief that couples stop working on their relationship when they marry.

In fact, studies of marital and dating relationships have repeatedly shown that women report lower levels of overall satisfaction and need fulfillment than men. Most women are less satisfied with their marriages than men are.[ii]

Why is this?

This is, in part, because women are more sensitive to conflict, tensions and unmet expectations in their romantic relationships. On top of this, women are expected to do most of the emotion-work of most romantic relationships.

So, men, this is a wake-up call for you. Both of you create the marriage that you have. It is time to step up to the plate, to be men and to lead in your relationship. That does not mean dominate or boss or be the dictator. Lead your relationship, not your wife. Take ownership of the quality of your marriage and work with your wife to always keep that marital satisfaction turned up high.

Because if you want to ruin your wife’s day, all you have to do is get married and then just take her for granted. Don’t show interest or motivation in making your relationship as awesome as possible. Don’t treat her special. Don’t act like you’re especially attracted to her. Don’t bother acknowledging her significance as your only beloved and as the mother of your children.

Just, you know, get her to produce an income so you can buy more toys, encourage her to stay on top of the dishes, laundry, dirty diapers, and so on.

NO! That’s all wrong. You have to romance your wife.

So let us give you an easy way to do that, as well as a little hint for you.

Women are more aware of the presence and absence of compliments in their romantic relationships.[iii] Compliments, to sound nerdy, are just a speech act that allows for intimate talk and sharing positive feelings that contribute to and/or reflect the overall satisfaction and value of the relationship.

So when you pay for wife a compliment – That was an awesome supper, babe! – or, You look cute in that! – you’re sending a very clear signal that says you’re satisfied with her.

Number Three: Pass a comment about her less than perfect body, and then hit her up for some action that night!

This is very important, but also a little complicated, so let’s look into it.

In one study, researchers asked spouses to complete a one-page diary in which they responded to the question, “Thinking about the next 24 hours, how satisfied do you expect to be with your sex life?”

They took out as many variables as they could to just isolate wives’ expectations for sexual satisfaction. They found that the more satisfied a wife expected to be, the more satisfied she became. The less satisfied she expected to be, the less satisfied she became. The expectation, for husbands, did not predict satisfaction in any way.

This tells us that how your wife feels about her sexuality is very, very important. She needs to feel both sexually competent and also confident.

So, if you want to ruin your wife’s day, just take a crack at her confidence by making her feel uncomfortable in her own skin.

This is very sensitive stuff because now we’re into body esteem which I think is a pandemic issue amongst North American females.

Let’s talk to wives first: It’s standard fair to complain to your girlfriends about your body. We think you should stop that. Your goal for your body should be to have it healthy, and you can decide what healthy looks like.

But here’s the point we really want wives to hear – learn to accept your husband’s love and appreciate for your body. Even if you don’t agree. If he appreciates it, don’t question that or try to talk him out of that. Ideally, you want to buy into that and be happy that he appreciates your body. Love him for that.

And to husbands: There is a wire that runs in a women’s brain straight from her body esteem over to her trust and jealousy signals. It doesn’t happen for men so you’re probably not seeing yourself do this but you can bet she is. Trust and jealousy are significantly associated with body esteem.[iv]

There is a much stronger connection for women between self or body esteem and their romantic relationships. What this means is body shape and weight concerns for your wife likely lead her to question your fidelity and may make her sensitive to perceptions of you flirting.

Your marriage should be a place that strengthens, builds up, encourages your wife towards a positive body self-image and positive self-esteem. Your wife wants to know that you find her sexy. If you’ve been nagging her about her weight, or rubbernecking at other women or flirting with the skinny waitresses… guess what? You’re probably getting less sex because you’re fuelling body image concerns for your wife.

Be sensitive to the pressures your wife is under in a culture that objectifies women and teaches them that their bodies allow them – or deny them – access to social goods including deeper romance with you.

There are three best ways to ruin your wife’s day. I’m sure there’s probably some jerk out there who’s going to find this list and use the ideas, so let’s be clear: this is only for you husbands out there who are gentlemen and who want to honour and cherish your wife. We’re glad you’re listening and so thankful for your interest in your marriage.

[i] Sarah O’Reilly, David Knox, and Marty Zusman, “What College Women Want in a Marriage Partner,” College Student Journal 43, no. 2 (June 2009): 503–6.

[ii] Deborah A. Abowitz et al., “Beliefs About Romantic Relationships: Gender Differences Among Undergraudates,” College Student Journal 43, no. 2 (June 2009): 276–84.

[iii] Eve-Anne M. Doohan and Valerie Manusov, “The Communication of Compliments in Romantic Relationships: An Investigation of Relational Satisfaction and Sex Differences and Similarities in Compliment Behavior,” Western Journal of Communication 68, no. 2 (Spring 2004): 170–94.

[iv] Suman Ambwani and Jaine Strauss, “Love Thyself Before Loving Others? A Qualitative and Quantitative Analysis of Gender Differences in Body Image and Romantic Love,” Sex Roles 56, no. 1–2 (January 2007): 13–21, doi:https://dx.doi.org/10.1007/s11199-006-9143-7.

I take Verlynda for granted sometimes. There’s no escaping the truth. In fact, if you pause for a moment I’m sure you’ll have to admit the same with regards to your spouse.

What’s odd is that it happens so subtly. But when I finally clue in, it’s so obvious. Kind of the like the proverbial frog in the pot.

So let this post serve as a self-check—possibly even a wake-up call—for taking your marriage for granted.

It has been suggested that we start taking our marriages for granted around 3.5 years in. Yet, because taking something for granted can be a real blind spot, I thought it would be worthwhile to start by asking, “What does a satisfying marriage look like?”

We all have blind spots in our lives. So we need a clear benchmark.

On that note, here are some pointers from a great study completed in 2004 three key markers of a marriage that is NOT being taken for granted (Rosen-Grandon, 2004).

Marker #1: Love

You gotta have love, right?

“Loving relationships are those in which open communication and agreement on the expression of affection are important”. In a thriving marriage, you’ll have a couple that agree that characteristics like respect, forgiveness, romance, support, and sensitivity are openly communicated in ways that are meaningful to both spouses.

Here’s a quick checklist on that:

How are you doing on open communication?

Are you making yourself known?

Are you truly bringing all of yourself, your thought, concerns, cares, and feelings to the marriage?

Are you sharing those things with your spouse?

Are you openly expressing affection? How?

Is that how your spouse most appreciates the expression of affection?

Marker #2: Loyalty

So you can imagine if you’re going to uphold the first marker and bare your soul, you want to choose to do that with a  person who is totally loyal. And to be that person for your spouse as well.

Loyalty is based on three critical components:

A lifetime commitment to the marriage. Commitment is critical, obviously. You need to be a person who your spouse sees as being totally committed to the covenant you’ve established before God. Keep your vows. Don’t have a wandering heart or a wandering eye. Loyalty is observed through behavior.

Prioritizing your spouse. Specifically, you will defend your spouse. Over and above your parents and even your children. There’s an abundance of marriage research that says if you take care of your spouse you’ll do more for your kids than by making them #1. So point your heart towards your spouse.

Strong moral values. If loyalty is important to marital success than this one is obvious. Want to create uncertainty, jealousy, suspicion, or anxiety? Just have low moral values. Works every time. But if you’re trying to build a marriage that is as solid as a rock, this is a key feature.

Loyalty needs to be clearly observed in a marriage that portends to be taken seriously.

Marker #3: Shared Values

Pulling together brings meaning to your life goals and dreams. This is not a profound concept so I don’t have a lot to say about it other than that it is very important that you get these shared values out into the open.

Sometimes we hold a particular value based on a goal or dream-like an oyster. Nobody (even our spouse) can see this beautiful pearl until we bring it out into the open.

Often, when I see a couple just gridlocked on an issue, one of the spouses has a value in there somewhere that has never seen daylight. But it’s super important to him or her.

Have you shared all of your values with your spouse? And explained exactly how much they mean to you?

To summarize this section: love, loyalty, and values. If you’re taking your marriage for granted, you’ll likely not be on the same page on at least one of these three issues.

What If I Am Taking My Marriage For Granted?

I want to pivot now and give you five key strategies that you can take into your marriage. Try to pick one or two off the list below and just be really intentional about working on them for a week. Then come back and re-evaluate and decide what you’d like to work on next.

Assurances. This is Marriage 101. Just say, “I love you!” Be a spouse that regularly assures your wife or husband of your love. People who take their marriage for granted forget the simple power of assurances.

Conflict Management. Every couple needs to learn how to manage conflict. Addressing issues and looking to repair your marriage bond is a sure sign that you are not taking your marriage for granted. It’s hard work but it’s work you need to do.

Shared tasks. This is a reasonable division of labour. Guys: your wife wants to be Ella, not Cinderella. One of our least (!) popular episodes is about housework. Have a listen: don’t take the simple daily household chores for granted.

Positivity. Just acting cheerful and positive around each other is a sign you’re wanting to be engaged in your relationship.

Social networks. Not Facebook. I mean the kind of social networks that have real, living bodies in them. Learn to enjoy each other’s friends: be intentional about creating common friends. Go to church together. Building shared social networks is part of not taking your marriage for granted.

Will This Fix My Marriage?

If your primary issue at the moment is that you’ve been taking your marriage for granted: it can’t but help. These five strategies have helped other marriages.

A couple of years ago a study came out comparing the relationship between relationship effort and marital quality. They found that both husbands and wives reported that their marital satisfaction was positively affected by their spouse’s effort. Note: effort. Not, success. So trying helps. (Share, 2014)

But, there’s a catch.

Sorry.

I have to be honest. It only works if your spouse is responsive and wants to share relationship activities. In other words, he or she has to be willing to engage in activities that are satisfying, stress-free and increase closeness. But if they aren’t dedicated to engaging with that…this isn’t going to work for you (Girme, 2014).

If your marriage is already fried, this isn’t going to work for you. You’ll have to use different strategies like marriage counseling.

That’s the straight goods. I’d love to hear from you in the comments below if this helped bring clarity and conviction to your situation! How has your marriage been impacted by just taking it more seriously?

Back to school means a change in routine for many families.

Summer holidays are over (or, will be shortly) and once September arrives we’re into a new rhythm.

Verlynda and I thought that this adjustment was the perfect opportunity to make sure you prioritize your marriage as you adjust to the new routine.

Back To School: Back To Normal

This is the last of our shorter episodes this summer, so we’re getting back into our own routines as well!

What we want you to think about is putting some priority on your marriage as part of getting back into the routine.

Healthy Marriage Routines

Here are some ideas for you to consider on a daily, weekly, monthly and annual basis.

Daily:

Make sure you have a ritual of greetings and departures (take time for a good hug and a kiss when you are separating or reuniting as you go about your daily schedules)

Have a time to connect. Just the two of you. You should be able to make something happen most days. For us, we have breakfast together every morning after the kids get on the school bus.

Keep in touch. A quick phone call or a few text messages. It’s good to keep each other informed a little.

Pray together. Having this as a daily routine really helps you keep on the same page. It’s hard to pray together if you’re out of sync with each other.

Weekly:

Aim for one serious conversation each week. Or maybe I should say ‘intimate’ instead of ‘serious’. Good heart to heart about what is going on in life. When can you schedule this in so that it happens consistently?

Can you swing a date once a week? For us, this is a challenge but we have been pretty good at scheduling lunch together every second week.

Are you going to church together? Spiritual routines form a focal point in your family that just helps ground everyone in what really matters. I really believe this should be a weekly commitment.

Monthly:

At a minimum, try to aim for one date together every month. I recognize a lot of us have some pretty busy lives but if we get to the end of them and our marriage is broken: do you really think we’re going to feel like we’ve lived well?

Annual:

Can you plan a getaway together? Just the two of you. If so, pick a spot and figure out a budget. And then save up for it so the financial commitment doesn’t take away from the pleasure of your time together.

Family holidays. We actually forgot to plan this for 2015 and it’s made life a little tougher trying to make these happen on the fly. We are definitely putting this back on the list for 2016. Family holidays just help everyone share good times which is really healthy.

Next Week

We’re back to our regular programming next week with our usual research-based approach. We’ve had a good summer and hope you have too!

Another quick summer episode here as we take a break from our usual programming.

And, contrary to what you might assume from the title, we’re not going to ask you to do anything illegal!

A Graffiti Tag for Your Marriage

Our graffiti tag is simple. It just looks like C+V.

But we have fun putting it in different places.

We finger-paint it onto dirty windows, in frosty windows, even under our first Ikea kitchen table. Hey, I even emblazoned it on our lawn with herbicide!

We don’t spray it on railcars or carve it into picnic tables at the park. It’s really just for us.

Why Have a Graffiti Tag?

This isn’t just a random idea.

I think every couple should have something like this that tells you who you are. To us, this is a symbol of commitment, togetherness, and love. It is a symbol of the bond we cherish.

So we stick it different places. Surprise each other with it. It’s a reminder of our commitment to one another.

If you think it’s cheesy – that’s fine. But I want to challenge you to think about what you do to remind yourself and your spouse about the bond between you.

The wedding rings you wear are great but you get used to them and kinda forget about them, right? So whether you choose to have a graffiti tag or some other symbol between you, choose something that will serve as a reminder down through the years of that bond that you cherish.

For us, it’s a touchstone. Lots of things change through the years but C+V is always there.

How about for you?