Normalize therapy.

Negotiating a family budget can be a real fire-starter for some couples. We may know we need a budget and want to live within our means, but the fights that the discussions cause can be so painful, that it’s easier to avoid them. We want to change that today.

For Caleb and I, a lot of our own frustration about money in the past has been because we never got ourselves on the same page. He would get a raise and think he had more spending power – I thought we’d have more to save. Then we’d both be frustrated!

We’ve psycho-analyzed ourselves and have figured this out somewhat:

Caleb had little to no visibility into our budget. It wasn’t because I was hiding it, but we had never made a point of really talking it through and figuring it out.

We have different saving philosophies. Caleb believes he’ll create wealth through his career and end up ahead. I believe wealth is created by saving money regularly.

On the budget we let the discussion be more about what you wanted vs. what I wanted instead of starting with the reality of what we could and couldn’t afford. Good financial management is not about winning certain arguments - it’s about making sure your outflows are less than your inflows. In our case, instead of going to the numbers, we’d just go to frustration between us.

Our personalities: I feel best/most satisfied around finances when we’re saving. Caleb feels best when he is spending. He claims he’s a therapist and part of his self-care is retail therapy!

It has taken us a while to be together on our money. It was never a critical issue but it’s been stressful more than most other issues so I think we’re typical.

Given that we understand how stressful negotiating finances can be, we want to give you some skills to negotiate this with your spouse.

The Psychology and Psychiatry Journal published some research by Capital One, a major North American credit card provider (which may be more than slightly biased!). Some quick facts from their research:

93% of those surveyed believe their spouse is open to discussing money issues

25% disagree with their spouse about money at least once a month

Younger people are more prone o conflicts with their spouse about money

76% believe they share the same philosophy as their spouse when it comes to managing money, such as saving vs. spending. The younger the couple, the more this figure drops

65% of couples report having the recommended 3 to 6 months emergency savings fund. (We don’t believe this…)

Most spouses spend independently of each other and only consult if it’s over a certain dollar amount.[i]

There are no real horror-stats around family budgeting except for the following from the Federal Reserve, a US government institution. As of February 2015 there were:

$4.5 billion in outstanding car loans

$12 billion in consumer credit card debt

Just under $10 billion in 24-month consumer debt loans.[ii]

Given these statistics, we can see that there must be more financial stress in marriages than Capital One is reporting.

Remember there are also gender differences when it comes to managing money. In 2002, 62% of households reported that savings and investment decisions were made jointly. Men were the primary decision-makers for 26% of households and in 12% of households the female was the primary decision-maker.[iii]

Bernasek & Bajtelsmit also found that women’s involvement in household financial decisions increased with their share of household income and their formal financial education implying that women are more likely to have an influence on financial decisions when they contribute a larger income share to the household.

These results support a bargaining approach to influencing the household. Power, in terms of involvement in making important financial decisions, is greater the more command an individual has over financial and educational resources. (ie. If I make more than you, and I am more skilled financially than you, I have more power over the decision.)

This begs the question: If it’s common practice that whoever earns the most gets the most say in finances, is this a good way to go about it?

At this point, I’m sure there are a lot of guys saying, “Duh, yeah! I earn it, I get to spend it!”

Let’s stop for a moment, and flip that scenario on its head.

Say, you’re the husband. Something happens and you get disability so you can’t work, but everything else is normal. You’re now a stay-at-home Dad, and your wife becomes the income-earner for the family. The things you want to spend your money on are not going to change, but now, by virtue of the terms you’ve established already, you have the minority vote on where the money goes.

Does that make you squirm? The whole idea of whoever makes the most gets the most power is predicated on there’s a me and you in the context of marriage which needs to be predicated on a sense of ‘us’. You got married because you wanted to be together. You didn’t get married because you wanted someone to dominate.

But when it comes to money, that is exactly what you are doing. You’re violating your own value system. Hence, there is friction. Maybe your wife goes along with it now, but I ask you: does this approach make her feel safer or more secure? I think not!

To balance this a bit, in most couples, one spouse is the money manager. As in, that spouse pays the bills, keeps track of spending, creates and uses a budget. This can happen for a few reasons, such as one spouse having more experience or expertise, or even just more time available.

It is OK for one spouse to be the money manager. In fact, this probably makes the most sense. What works for us is Caleb shares power and control by giving me the money manager position even though he is the earner. We get concerned when we hear about the husband earning and controlling the money to the point where the wife is being treated like a child.

For most couples though, there are not significant power and control issues, but there are other struggles. The next most important factors as you consider how to negotiate finances are trust and communication.

Trust must be earned, between both spouses. Whether you do your accounts together or separate, having access to both and trusting in both directions is vital.

Communication is also essential. The spouse handling the finances must keep the other spouse informed and major purchases must be discussed.[iv]

At the end of the day, when it actually comes time to negotiate, discuss or just chat about financial matters in your marriage, the standard communication skills apply.

One very effective skill to use when discussing finances, and any other pain point in your marriage, is the soft start-up.

A harsh startup may be, when you’re reviewing the credit card bill and are like, “You blew the budget again! You are SO un-be-leev-able!”. When you begin with criticism or sarcasm you go from neutral to negative right away and are into a disagreement. You do not want to do that. Start softly so that you can work together on resolving the problem. You won’t accomplish anything by attacking.

The other side of the coin is this: researchers found that those who were more satisfied financially engaged in a less harsh start-up.

Which came first? Financial satisfaction, or good communication? We know that to solve any problem, the stronger your communication skills the better, so let’s look a little more closely at financial satisfaction.

These researchers found that there is a link – the more satisfied you are financially, the higher shared goals and values you have. Shared goals and values means that you have negotiated your way towards aligning goals and values around spending, saving and budgeting.

The more shared goals and values you have, the less likely you are to start any discussions harshly. And when you’re not starting your discussions harshly, you’ll have increased relationship satisfaction. It’s like a positive, upward spiral!

When couples create shared meaning about money and autonomy, it makes sense then that they would be more satisfied with their financial situation.[v]

So, it’s not just a matter of great communication skills. You, as a couple, actually want to work towards aligning the meaning you give to all things financial and the goals you have related to finances.

For us, there was a turning point for Caleb when he realized that it put a big safety blanket around me if we had a clear retirement savings plan, so we began setting aside money for this monthly, and investing it wisely.

Here’s a big shout-out to our investment advisor, Edwin Palsma, from Raymond James. He’s licensed for BC and Saskatchewan, so if you live in either of these places, reach out, and we’ll give you his contact info. He is awesome!

Back to business here… When Caleb chose to align with this value (retirement savings) that I had, it helped our marriage because it made it a safer place for me. That was us sharing specific goals and values.

We’ve given you a lot of concepts, but here are some practical steps you can take.

First, turn towards each other. Maybe you’ve fought long and hard over certain things. Tell your spouse that you’re laying down your own weapons, ask him or her to lay theirs down too, and really get serious about the communication skill we mentioned today and in past episodes – the soft start.

Second, learn to come up with solutions together. Be supportive and look for areas you can reduce the strain on your spouse. Focus on both problems and emotions - couples that work on both parts do best with financial problems.

For example, Caleb was surprised that while he has the stress of earning the income, I have the stress of the budget. He never expected that at all and figured if he didn’t make enough, that was his problem. We do much better when we acknowledge each other’s concerns and devise solutions togethe

Budgeting can feel like such a ball and chain. Why is it such a pain point for so many of us?

This is the first article in a mini-series on Family Budgeting. Today we make a case for WHY you need to budget.

Usually, every relationship has a spender and a saver. Caleb is our spender, and I am our saver/budgeter! It has taken us a while to negotiate that. For example, we both want a retirement fund. However, Caleb wants to create that wealth by generating revenue, and I want to create that wealth by saving. There’s a big difference there! One that has caused a bit of friction in our relationship…

Caleb and I also get stressed about different things. He stresses most about making an income and always wants more than he has. I get stressed about balancing our budget. Believe me, we’re still figuring this out as we go.

We’ve learned a lot along our fifteen years of marriage that is really helpful for us, and we want to see also what the research has to say so that you can really be together on this part of your marriage as well.

In 2000, Kerkmann conducted a study of young married couples that were students with modest financial resources. He found that “financial management behaviors (defined as budgeting expenses against income) and the perception of how well finances were managed were both significantly related to satisfaction with their marriages.

Financial problems (mismatch between financial resources and demands), as well as the perceived magnitude of financial problems, showed a statistically significant correlation with how satisfied the chief financial manager was with his/her marriage.”

As a result of regression analysis, Kerkmann found that 13-15% of marital satisfaction was explained by the perceived quality of financial management and financial problems.[i]

It is interesting to note that perception is more important than reality. You have to believe you’re doing a good job. It is not you compared to others, it is just you that needs to be satisfied with how your finances are handled.

I questioned the fact that it was ok to have debt as long as both spouses were ok with it, so Caleb explained that all the research was saying was if the perception of the couple is that they were managing their debt well, they would be more satisfied. BUT, we need to look at more research to get the big picture.

Here is some background information about the debt that Dew assembled in 2008:

the average American household has consumer debt equal to 20% of their yearly income

recently married couples typically have high levels of debt and take on debt as they establish their new household (go out and buy a bunch of stuff using debt)

debt generally predicts increases in marital conflict and that newlyweds rated debt as their second-highest marital concern.

Dew wanted to find out how a change in debt predicted a change in marital satisfaction for newlyweds. He found that as couples assumed debt, they were more likely to:

spend less time together

argue more about their finances, and

feel that their marriage was unfair.

He points out that all of these findings suggest that consumer debt (debt incurred on the purchase of consumable goods/goods that do not appreciate[ii]) may inhibit recently married couple’s attempts to form a new family unit.[iii]

Right at the point, you’re trying to create this new happy, blissful experience, you go buy a bunch of things you think you need in order to support that happiness but you actually end up sabotaging the whole thing.

So, even if you’re both good with the debt you’re incurring, and believe it’s OK, there are other factors undermining the happiness you’re aiming for.

Later on, Dew looked at the relationship between debt and divorce.

There’s a bit of a conundrum here as materialism is negatively associated with marital satisfaction. However, the more assets a couple has the less likely they are to divorce. To sum it up: more materialism = less satisfaction with your marriage; more assets = more likely to stay married.

Dew took all of the debt represented in his survey and used a log-based 10 algorithm[iv] to rank it. He found that for every unit increase (for example going from 7.5 on the debt scale to 7.6) there was a 7 – 8% increase in the likelihood of divorce. There was a clear conclusion that the more debt participants had, the higher their hazard of divorce. In contrast, the more assets a couple had, the less the likelihood of divorce.

There was an interesting side note here: income had no association with divorce in his study. Making more or less money was not significant. What IS significant is what families do with their income. The families that created more consumer debt had more financial disagreements and a much higher likelihood of divorce.

So, going back to our title, Why You Need To Budget.

The choices you make about how you spend money have a real impact on your marital satisfaction. The marketing world tells us that if we buy things we’ll be happier, but the reality is the buying of things does not create happiness. In fact, when it creates debt, it begins to have this escalating and profound detrimental impact on happiness.

This really resonates with the cautionary Proverb that says the “borrow is the slave of the lender” (Proverbs 22:7). We really need to be careful about what we give power to in our lives. Taking on consumer debt is giving power to someone else.

The Bible is very cautious about borrowing or loaning money, and it clearly speaks against defaulting on loans. We need to consider our spiritual values as we draft up our family budgets.

We all love things. What we need to caution against is going into debt for the things that we would enjoy. You know: cars, campers, clothes, ATV’s, iPhones, gizmos, gadgets, toys for big boys, etc.

I think we would all be very quick to admit that our love for our spouse is more important than our love of things. However, very few of us live congruently with this belief.

When you create a budget and stick to it, you’re setting a boundary around the marketing world, your own desire to keep up with the Joneses, and your innate desire for more: all in favour of protecting your marriage.

It was Will Smith who seems to get credit for thewell-knownn quote,

“Too many spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.”

We want you to take this topic seriously because if you’re going to build a marriage that you love today and will treasure for a lifetime, financial management is going to be a critical component.

Stay tuned for more detailed Family Budgeting help as we know this is important to you!

This is Part 1 of 5. Make sure you view the rest of the series:

Part 2: How to Negotiate a Budget With Your Spouse

Part 3: How to Create Your Family Budget

Part 4: Budgeting for Annual Bills, Emergencies & Savings

Part 5: How to Reduce Debt

[i] Barbara Kerkmann et al., “Financial Management, Financial Problems and Marital Satisfaction Among Recently Married University Students,” Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning 11, no. 2 (2000).

[ii] “Consumer Debt,” Wikipedia, the Free Encyclopedia, January 20, 2015, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Consumer_debt&oldid=643444131.

[iii] Jeffrey Dew, “Debt Change and Marital Satisfaction Change in Recently Married Couples*,” Family Relations 57, no. 1 (January 1, 2008): 60–71, doi:10.1111/j.1741-3729.2007.00483.x.

[iv] “Logarithm,” Wikipedia, the Free Encyclopedia, May 3, 2015, https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Logarithm&oldid=660567948.

Life is busy. So busy. But so often we let other people and other things run our schedules and in the process of allowing this to happen: what really matters to us gets bumped. Like time with our spouse…Date nights…Fun nights…Just time to hang out. What can we do to change that?

We all hit phases in life that are busy. It is totally normal! If this is you right now, don’t worry, it doesn’t mean your marriage is done – you’ve done well just to recognize the stage you’re in.

I like the phrase from the Bible verse from Ecclesiastes 9:9 which says “Enjoy life with your wife”! Sometimes we get so serious about life that we forget to create good times together, but marriage researchers have known for a long time that happily married couples enjoy leisure activities together. This is evident in the research as far back as 1951 – married people have been having fun for quite a while!

A particular pair of researchers way back then wanted to look particularly at the crowd of married folk who were transitioning to parenthood for the first time. They found that initially, leisure time dropped but then started to go back up after the first several weeks of new parenting had passed.

However, here’s what is interesting. They looked at leisure before marriage as well. If there was SHARED leisure prenatally, there was more marital love and less conflict one year later. If there was only independent leisure prenatally, there was less love and more conflict 1 year later.

SO: creating shared leisure time is good! Build positivity into your marriage as a buffer against future stress.[i]

The good news is that in marriages today, more married couples are sharing leisure time than was happening in 2003, 1975, or back in 1965. In this study, the researchers found that dual-earner couples spent less time in the presence of their spouse than single-earner couples. If you’re a dual-earner couple, this is tougher for you.

They also found, not surprisingly, that the presence of children equated to a drop in the amount of joint leisure time with a spouse.[ii]

Again, this is a normal situation to find yourself in. Many folks feel that they’re the only ones struggling, but they’re not. You are not alone. We all face these challenges! So, what can we do about all of this?

First thing – drop the idea of time management. You can’t manage time. Time happens whether you think you’re managing it or not. Thinking too hard about trying to force time to do something for you means that you’re giving he power over to something outside your control. You can’t stop time or make it go slower!

What you can manage is your SELF! Forget about time management and think about self-management.

So, how can we bring this into our daily lives?

First, think about WHAT you do when you are together. How do you manage yourself during the time you have together?

Here are some things for you to think about:

1. Most couple’s time together is meal times, the evening and night.

2. Do not cut back on sleep. As Shawn Stevenson told us in episode 38, sleep impacts the quality of your marriage. Again, do not cut back on sleep!

3. Think about the role of TV and movies in your life. Caleb and I do not own a TV, nor do we subscribe to Netflix or any such streaming service. We do breath oxygen and put our pants on one leg at a time, so we’re not totally weird! The decision to live free from all sources of streaming media is a huge blessing to our family because we have WAY more time together, and when we’re together we’re not distracted by the TV or watching a movie.

Think seriously about how much time you spend watching TV and video. Have you heard the saying, “We’re all in this together – alone”? Look at the time you have together and remove the ‘alone’ piece.

4. Review your working hours. The research says that lack of time together is largely due to the combination of long working hours and the presence of younger children.[iii] You can’t reduce the number of children, and you usually think you can’t reduce the number of working hours. Honestly though, sometimes you have to choose between your standard of living and quality of life.

Don’t be fooled into thinking they’re the same thing. It is extremely valuable to your marriage to try to eat together, spend time together in the evening, and to go out together from time to time.

It is going to be a challenge, but if you sit down together, and you both want to achieve this outcome, you’ll find ways to do so.

In episode 54, Ten Ways to Court Your Spouse, we also referred to this final piece of research from The National Marriage Project. Those researchers noted that husbands and wives who engaged in couple time with their spouse at least once a week were approximately 3.5 times more likely to report being “very happy” in their marriages, compared to those who enjoyed less quality time with their spouse.[iv]

That is just one more plug to really compel you to consider this seriously. This really matters. It really makes a difference. I know every once in a while in our marriage it feels like it goes a little chilly. Often times, we have just lost the habit of spending quality time together. When we figure out how to restore that, things warm up again very quickly.

If you need help with this, please schedule a consultation!

[i] Amy Claxton and Maureen Perry-Jenkins, “No Fun Anymore: Leisure and Marital Quality Across the Transition to Parenthood,” Journal of Marriage and the Family 70, no. 1 (February 1, 2008): 28–43.

[ii] Marieke Voorpostel, Tanja van der Lippe, and Jonathan Gershuny, “Spending Time Together--Changes Over Four Decades in Leisure Time Spent with a Spouse,” Journal of Leisure Research 42, no. 2 (April 1, 2010), https://js.sagamorepub.com/jlr/article/view/376.

[iii] Ignace Glorieux, Joeri Minnen, and Theun Pieter van Tienoven, “Spouse ‘Together Time’: Quality Time Within the Household,” Social Indicators Research 101, no. 2 (April 2011): 281–87, doi:10.1007/s11205-010-9648-x.

[iv] Bradford Wilcox and Jeffrey Dew, The Date Night Opportunity: What Does Coupe Time Tell Us About the Potential Value of Date Nights? (The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, 2012), https://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/NMP-DateNight.pdf.

Why the First Orgasm Feels So Out of Reach

If you are a married woman who has never had an orgasm, or who has struggled to get there consistently, you are not broken. You are not the exception. You are, clinically speaking, the norm. Research shows that most women take significantly longer than their husbands to reach orgasm, and many wives spend the first several years of marriage unsure of what their body needs or how to ask for it. The good news: orgasm is learnable, and the path to your first one is more straightforward than most people realize.

We sat down with certified sexuality author and coach Shannon Ethridge to talk through the questions we hear most from wives in our practice. Shannon brings decades of experience helping women reclaim their sexual confidence, and what she shared lines up closely with what we see in our counseling office every week. Below is what came out of that conversation, along with our clinical perspective on each piece.

Why Men Are Ready Faster Than Women

Shannon put it simply: men are usually ready at the drop of a hat, but for them, sex is also finished quickly. Women take much longer to reach orgasm, sometimes ten times longer, but that means she gets to enjoy the pleasure for that much longer. Sex is not a race.

Just because it takes a wife longer does not mean she should stop expecting her husband to be part of that process. A wife's pleasure is not a bonus feature. It is a core part of what sex in marriage is supposed to be. Her husband's patience, attentiveness, and willingness to learn are not optional extras. They are what good sexual partnership looks like.

Here is a number that surprises most couples: it takes the average couple 18 years to settle into a really smooth sexual groove together. That is not a sentence to years of suboptimal sex. It is a description of a learning curve. Couples who engage with that curve intentionally, through honest communication, a willingness to keep learning, and the freedom to talk openly about what works, get there much faster. The 18 years reflects passive drift. Intentional couples do better than that.

Understanding Your Body: The Anatomy of Female Sexual Response

One of the biggest barriers to a wife's first orgasm is simply not understanding how her body works. Shannon walked us through the basics, and this is information every couple should have.

When a baby is conceived, both sexes start with the same genitalia. After the fourth month of gestation, if there is a Y chromosome, the clitoris develops into a penis. If there is no Y chromosome, it remains a clitoris, the primary stimulated sex organ for women. Stimulating the clitoris is what triggers most women's orgasms.

Here is the critical piece most couples miss: the clitoris functions like the penis in that it requires blood flow (engorgement) before stimulation feels good. If you try to touch the clitoris before a woman is aroused, it may feel like nothing at all, or it may actually be painful.

This is where foreplay becomes non-negotiable. Sufficient foreplay, including kissing, hugging, massaging, and breast fondling, creates the oxytocin flow that prompts blood flow to the clitoris. Once engorgement happens, clitoral touch feels pleasurable. Without it, you are working against your own biology.

And here is a fact Shannon shared that puts things in perspective: the male penis has 4,000 nerve endings. The female clitoris has 8,000.

Practical Steps: Learning What Works for You

Shannon offered several suggestions for wives who are still finding their way sexually. We have seen each of these play out in our counseling office, and they work.

Teach Him How to Touch You

Your husband cannot read your mind, and no one should expect him to. Women often enter a sexual experience hoping their husband will instinctively know all the right places, the right pressure, and the right timing. But men do not have the same anatomy, and guessing is not the same as knowing. The most productive thing a couple can do is move toward open communication about what feels good, and that starts with a wife knowing it herself well enough to say it.

Get Comfortable in Your Own Skin

If you are uncomfortable during the process, your brain will automatically shut down arousal. Your brain is your biggest sex organ. What happens mentally is what triggers both engorgement and orgasm. If you are self-conscious, distracted, or anxious, your nervous system will prioritize those feelings over pleasure every time.

This is something we talk about often in our practice. Anxiety and arousal use the same nervous system pathways. When your body is in a stress response, whether from body image concerns, performance pressure, or unresolved relational tension, it physically cannot shift into the relaxed state that orgasm requires. The women who make the most progress are the ones who learn to notice when they have left their body mentally and gently bring themselves back.

Stay Mentally Engaged

Shannon emphasized that a wife needs to let herself cooperate with the process by engaging in the moment. If your mind drifts to the grocery list, the renovation project, or the kids, the pituitary gland is not triggered to send blood flow where it needs to go. You cannot reach orgasm while mentally checked out.

This does not mean you are doing something wrong when your mind wanders. It means you need to practice redirecting your attention back to what is happening physically. Think of it as a skill, not a personality trait. The more you practice staying present, the easier it becomes.

The Three Types of Orgasm Every Wife Should Know

Shannon walked us through three distinct types of orgasm. Understanding these can remove a significant amount of confusion and self-blame for wives who think something is wrong because they cannot orgasm from intercourse alone.

Clitoral orgasm: Achieved through direct clitoral stimulation, as described above. This is the most common type and the starting point for most women.

G-spot orgasm: If a wife is lying on her back and her husband has his finger inside her (middle finger works best, being the longest) with his palm facing the ceiling, the pad of his finger can make a hook motion and stroke the anterior portion of her vaginal canal, the area closest to where the nerves run down through the clitoris. With enough time and the right pressure, this can trigger a distinct orgasmic response that involves the release of vaginal secretions, sometimes a significant amount.

Blended orgasm: This combines G-spot stimulation with simultaneous clitoral stimulation, whether from a tongue, finger, or marital aid. Shannon described this as creating a very intense orgasm. It takes practice, and couples should not expect to achieve this right away. But it is something that works with time and communication.

The research supports what Shannon described: only 17 to 30 percent of women can orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone. There is nothing to be ashamed of if that is not how your body works. For the majority of women, clitoral stimulation is the primary pathway, and that is completely normal.

Should You Expect an Orgasm Every Time?

Shannon's answer was nuanced, and we agree with it: a woman should not put pressure on herself to perform, but she has the right to reach orgasm. The tension between those two ideas is where most couples get stuck.

Sometimes wives feel guilty that it takes so much longer for them than for their husbands, and they convince themselves it is too much to ask. It is not. If you want an orgasm, you are entitled to pursue that. But you need to be a full participant in the process, both mentally and physically.

One practical suggestion that makes a real difference: prioritize her orgasm first. After a man has an orgasm, hormones are released that make him very tired and sleepy. For a woman, the opposite happens. When she reaches orgasm, the hormones released make her want more connection with the man who just made her feel that way. Sequencing matters.

When Shame or Sexual History Gets in the Way

This is where we see some of the most important work happen in our counseling office. Many wives come into marriage carrying sexual shame, whether from past relationships, religious messaging about purity, childhood experiences, or simply never having had permission to explore their own sexuality.

Shannon spoke openly during our conversation about her own history with this. Childhood experiences shaped her sexuality in ways a wedding ring did not automatically fix. The work of sorting through a complicated sexual past took years, and her willingness to do that work is part of what gives her perspective credibility with the women she serves.

What we see clinically is that shame does not just live in your thoughts. It lives in your body. A woman who carries sexual shame will often experience it as a physical shutdown during intimacy: tension, numbness, dissociation, or an inability to stay present. These are not character flaws. They are trauma responses, and they are treatable.

If this resonates with you, individual counseling or couples work focused on sexual intimacy can make a significant difference. Some women prefer to start with reading and self-guided work, and that is a valid path too. The important thing is not to assume this is just how it will always be. A healthy, satisfying sexual relationship is possible at any stage of marriage, no matter what your history looks like.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does a first orgasm feel like?

For most women, the first orgasm is more of a relief than a fireworks moment. It often feels like a building wave of tension in the pelvic area followed by a release, sometimes subtle, sometimes intense. Many wives describe it as confirmation that their body works the way it is supposed to. The sensation typically gets stronger and more recognizable with practice.

Why is it so hard for women to orgasm the first time?...

We’ve noticed that a lot of marriages take a very traditional approach where all the work HE does is money-earning, and all the work SHE does in unpaid – and usually unacknowledged.

So we ask, is this a good thing, or is it a problem?

What happens for those wives who take on more and more, and might even do all the housework AND are employed full time?

How does that work?

If you are a wife that is struggling because you are overloaded with employment and housework – or a husband in the same situation – what is reasonable? What should your expectations be? How can you work together to create a fair housework division in marriage?

First: some personal insight into how this plays out in our own marriage:

For most of our marriage, Caleb has worked in the labour market and I’ve worked at keeping the home. We both like that best, although we have had periods of both of us working too.

During this time, Caleb let me do the dishes and would pitch in the odd time when things were really bad or he felt guilty, or whatever. He realized recently, that he carried an unspoken belief that dishes were part of my job description, not his.

Then he saw an uncle with a similar marriage to ours (she stayed at home, he worked outside the home) that had no concept of the dishes being on her job list and not his. After each meal, he just pitched in… and, so did she… and, so did all of their children. They had some great family mojo going on, and were all together in the kitchen after supper.

This got Caleb reflecting on his own values, and at the end of the day he realized he was just being prideful – like dishes weren’t worth his time and he had more valuable things to do. He also realized it was a power imbalance; that there wasn’t anything intrinsically special or valuable about him over me that means I should do lesser work than he.

The Bible talks about the husband nourishing and cherishing his wife, and about sacrificing himself for her benefit so that she feels loved.[i] He realized he needed to change how he thought about our dishes.

Now, most of the time, we do dishes together! What is really neat is our kids join us and we all do this together without us having to beg or bribe them, turning a chore into some great family time. What’s more, if Caleb or I have something on in the evening, we don’t mind the other not helping with dishes that night. It has given us more freedom and less of a martyr attitude.

So that’s how this has played out in our lives, but what does the research say?

In all industrialized countries, the division of household labour remains unbalanced and gender-dependent. Women are still left with the major responsibility for housework and childcare, and wives perform two to three times more family work than their husbands do.[ii]

Here’s what happens that influences perceptions of fairness.

Spouses who have employment reduce their participation in housework. (No surprises there)

Most marriages assume that the spouse who creates less (or no) household income should assume a larger share of household work.

Traditional women are socialized to accept an unbalanced division of household labour and are cool with this. They believe it’s legitimate.

About 45% of women in this worldwide study believed the distribution of household labour was fair.

The most influential factor on whether you think the share of housework you do is fair or not is gender ideology (#3 above). Your belief about what is fair is most significant. Which is why in marriage it’s really important to figure how/if these beliefs align, and if not, how you’re going to reconcile them.[iii]

Couple more points. If a wife held a full-time job (and low time availability) she felt more injustice if she still did the majority of the housework.

If a wife was contributing income equal to, or greater than, her husband, she felt more injustice if she still did the majority of the housework.

What can we deduce from that? There is nothing wrong with traditional beliefs if there are traditional roles in place. These people are happy, and feminists have no business judging them.

But….

Husbands: you can’t hold the traditional belief that your wife should do most of the housework alongside the non-traditional belief that she should have a full-time job. It doesn’t work out very well!

Wives: it is equally unreasonable for you to hold the traditional belief that your husband should work full time while you stay at home, and then you don’t do any housework either. We’re not saying you can’t do other kinds of work; we’re just saying that marriage is not a lifelong vacation for you!

If you, as a couple, are going to leave traditional roles at all, negotiations need to happen with the goal of both spouses feeling a sense of balance (equity) and equality.

Perceptions also come into play in a huge way. Comparisons happen. We talk about why comparisons are a bad thing in Episode 17, but you may make comparisons between your marriage and the social beliefs of the crowd you mostly hang out with. Or, you may compare between yourselves as spouses as to who does how much. You may even compare your spouse to other spouses of the same gender.

These comparisons affect our perceptions as to what should happen in our marriage. They are important because they shape our beliefs. Is there any objective right and wrong to this, or is it purely our perceptions that matter?

There is nothing un-Biblical about a man doing housework. The Bible does criticize men who do not provide for their families, assuming they are physically and mentally capable of doing so.

There is also nothing un-Biblical about a wife generating an income. The Bible does criticize women who it broadly labels as busybodies. As in, they’re busy accomplishing nothing – mere socialites who are contributing nothing to their family or their community. There ARE Biblical examples of highly respected working-women.

You can create a marriage where you divide the household labour in a way that works for you as long as you avoid those un-Biblical pitfalls.

How you balance all this out though, is through sharing – sharing power, sharing control, and sharing decisions. The research points out that the higher the level of shared control, the higher the level of satisfaction.[iv]

Regardless of how many demands there are, partners in a marriage want to feel like equals, and with a little work and discussion can get there!

This is where we want you to utilize the worksheet we’ve created for you. It will help you understand, in your marriage, where the division of labour is at now, and help you talk with your spouse about where you would like it to be. There’s a big list of typical household tasks that both of you can go through, identifying who does what right now, and then identifying how you would like it to happen.

That worksheet is going to be a huge help, but you should probably plan on reviewing it every once in a while if your work changes or you move homes, or have kids, or come into any of life’s transitions. It’s always good at that point to renegotiate roles and responsibilities.

Wives: don’t try to become the Ultimate Traditional Wife in non-traditional circumstances. We see this more often than we'd like, and it often looks like a Messiah complex (trying to save the world) or a Martyr complex (poor me, I’ll just have to do more... and everybody better be noticing!!!).

We don’t mean to come across as negative, but just want to point out that taking on more and more housework and other responsibilities is not coming from a place of fullness. We might call it selflessness, but really, it leads to crisis because you’re overloading yourself in all that you’re doing. That’s a tough place to be in!

If you are an overloaded wife, take the path to recovery before you burn out. First, understand your worthiness, as a person, is not grounded in what you do, but who you are. This is easier said than done, but this shift in thinking is critical.

Second, question your sense of self. How have you been defining who you are? What are the roles you’ve accepted in relationship with others?

Finally, become flexible about your roles and make personal choices that align with your own values.[v]

Housework can seem so trivial at times, yet can be the fuel for many arguments at other times. Learning to negotiate the balance between you and your spouse can make such a difference. Download the worksheet now to start your discussions, and reach out for some marriage counseling if you need further help.

References:

[i] Ephesians 5:23-33

[ii] Michael Braun et al., “Perceived Equity in the Gendered Division of Household Labor,” Journal of Marriage and Family 70, no. 5 (December 1, 2008): 1145–56, doi:10.1111/j.1741-3737.2008.00556.x.

[iii] Consuelo Paterna Carmen Martínez, “Justifications and Comparisons in the Division of Household Labor: The Relevance of Gender Ideology.,” The Spanish Journal of Psychology 13, no. 1 (2010): 220–31, doi:10.1017/S1138741600003802.

[iv] Samuel Melamed Talma Kushnir, “Domestic Stress and Well-Being of Employed Women: Interplay Between Demands and Decision Control at Home,” Sex Roles 54, no. 9 (2006): 687–94, doi:10.1007/s11199-006-9040-0.

[v] Oksana Yakushko, “Do Feminist Women Feel Better About Their Lives? Examining Patterns of Feminist Identity Development and Women’s Subjective Well-Being,” Sex Roles 57, no. 3–4 (May 23, 2007): 223–34, doi:10.1007/s11199-007-9249-6.

OK. So you had ANOTHER fight - another disagreement. It’s like, man, are we ever going to stop fighting? Remember, the goal is not achieving zero disagreements, it’s learning to disagree productively!

Caleb and I recently had a disagreement. Caleb told the story in our podcast episode:

“So I remember a recent disagreement we had. We were actually talking about a Sunday school lesson you were doing in the Old Testament. And you really wanted to emphasize the holiness of God as was expressed in that passage - how we need to revere God and not be flippant or casual about how we approach him.

And I was like, “Well, I think you just want to intimidate these kids so you can force them to behave in a certain way and that isn’t going to create genuine transformation"

Which created a long, awkward silence…

Then, you completely went around my harshness and came back with this very gracious response that totally opened a window into my own issues. And you framed it in the context of how certain values from my own FOO (Family of Origin) conflicted with values from yours, and without worrying about who was right or wrong, how those values influenced how we emphasize differently certain attributes of God’s character.

The irony, of course, is that I was calling you to be more gracious in a very harsh way, but you responded graciously to show me how I was being harsh about being gracious. LOL.”

How this relates to our topic today is, we could have had a long argument about theology and why each other was wrong, and probably never would have come to any agreement. This highlights a critical point which Olson et al., pointed out – “the way we handle problems, more than the problems themselves, often can be the problem”.[i]

Let’s look at our example more closely.

“The surface problem was theology and how to interpret it. But the real problem was my harshness and I was responding or reacting out of my own junk.

Rather than reacting superficially, you pointed out how I was coming to it and why, and did so softly, in a way I could receive it. That totally topped us from derailing but more than that, it created insight, understanding and growth.”

So, how can we disagree without sinking our love boat? Think of it as diffusing a bomb – it’s a much better day for both of you if the conflict is resolved rather than escalated!

#1 – Make sure your spouse feels understood.

This comes from giving them space and time to share their feelings and ideas during the disagreement. Take their disagreement seriously. Don’t discount or dismiss your spouse’s concerns.

If it means enough to him or her that she/he has raised something negative or of concern, you have to pay attention. This is all part of making them feel understood. Remember, this is not about the content matter of the disagreement; it’s about HOW you are handling the disagreement.[ii]

This is part of what is called person-centeredness.[iii]

Person-centeredness is the idea of taking information that you’re hearing from your spouse and incorporating that into the discussion you’re having by referring to it in subsequent comments or questions. In doing so, you’re sending a very signal that you’re listening, absorbing, taking this in, and processing it.

You still haven’t agreed with anything so you haven’t had to give up your own beliefs but what is really awesome is you are sending your spouse a very clear, simple message. That message is, “I am not shutting you out. I am hearing you. I get you. Your input matters to me.” That is such a different signal than completely ignoring or dismissing their input!

Have you ever had a disagreement with a person and by the end you’re not even sure if they’ve heard one thing you’ve said? That. Drives. Me. Nuts. It’s psychologically manipulative. I had a boss that wouldn’t even look me in the eye when I was talking to him and just stared over my shoulder. You start to wonder if one of you is not even a human being.

So, it’s so important to make your spouse feel understood. At the end of the day, you want to know their truth. What do they see and believe? Know the truth, and the truth will set you free. You get to that truth by listening well.

There’s one more point from the research before we leave this. You owe it to your spouse to explain your position in a way that he or she can understand you. Your spouse actually will find you more attractive when they can understand you and track your arguments easily.[iv]

This is a tactical strategy now: you need to use language with meaning that your spouse can identify with and relate to. Couples that align their tactics do better than couples that don’t when they are trying to resolve disagreements. It just makes the interaction that much easier to follow and connect with.

#2 – Speak from a place of autonomy.

In 2005, some researchers wanted to understand the relationship between self-determination and conflict in romantic relationships.[v] Being self-determined simply means that you govern your own behavior – your actions are autonomous, freely chosen and fully endorsed by the self.

It’s a nice way of saying that you feel free to choose to do what you want to do. You are not coerced or guilted into the relationship; you know why you’re there! It’s not about independence or detachment or avoidance or rebelliousness. It does NOT mean that your spouse is not committed and could bail at any time.

Rather, the construct of autonomy or self-determination used by these researchers reflects a very deep personal endorsement of your actions and involvement with your spouse. You’re totally committed because you want to be, you feel like you have chosen that. People who engage their marriages from this place are better adjusted socially and personally.

It’s more precious to me that Caleb has chosen to be committed to our marriage than to think of him as just being stuck with me out of obligation!

Ironically, this autonomy – despite having a very independent ring to it – is connected to being securely attached to your spouse. When you’re in this place of self-determination, you can have satisfying, honest, naturally occurring interactions with your spouse.

How does that independent, autonomous, self-determined stance create better conversations? You’re no longer trying to save face, or have the need to blame the spouse or aggravate the situation. Researchers found that the more autonomous you perceive yourself to be, the less you are worried about saving face and blaming others.[vi]

When you don’t have the need to protect your self-image and realize you are where you are because of the choices you’ve made, you can be more open to events and information that are coming up in your marriage. You can be more open to those because you are much less invested in the concern over whether these things portray you in a good or negative light.

Back to the research. The conclusion the researchers came to was people who have higher levels of autonomy in their marriage had greater feelings of satisfaction following a conflict.

Caleb referred to our personal argument again:

“You put aside the need to save face or blame me back, Verlynda. That created a much more satisfying outcome to the disagreement. In the end, I “let” you keep your perspective, I learned something, we both had some insight and we both grew.”

If you always fight the same way, about the same things, and end up in the same place every time, choose a different pathway! You are where you are because of the choices that you’ve made, so this time make a different choice:

Work really hard to help your spouse feel understood and to help your spouse understand you, and;

Be aware of how you’re trying to save face or blame and set that aside. Own the fact that you’ve made choices that have brought you to this point, and speak out of the place of a person who is making more choices – right choices – about how to respond in this disagreement.

Don’t be controlled by the situation, but take control and lead the next disagreement to a safe harbor. Don’t let your disagreements sink your love boat!

We know this can be difficult to do. That’s one of the reasons we offer counseling– because counseling is one way that you can help your marriage out by exploring other options and possibilities that you might not have been able to think of to this point.

 [i] David Olson, Amy Olson-Sigg, and Peter Larson, National Survey of Married Couples (Life Innovations, Inc., 2008), https://www.prepare-enrich.com/pe/pdf/research/2011/national_survey_of_married_couples_2008.pdf.

[ii] Ibid.

[iii] Vincent R. Waldron and James L. Applegate, “Similarity in the Use of Person‐centered Tactics: Effects on Social Attraction and Persuasiveness in Dyadic Verbal Disagreements,” Communication Reports 11, no. 2 (June 1998): 155–65, doi:10.1080/08934219809367697.

[iv] Ibid.

[v] C. Raymond Knee et al., “Self-Determination and Conflict in Romantic Relationships,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 89, no. 6 (December 2005): 997–1009, doi:10.1037/0022-3514.89.6.997.

[vi] Ibid.

Courting your wife means continuing the maintenance behaviors that build admiration, affection, and respect, the same behaviors that brought you together, applied every week of your marriage. It is not about expensive dates or anniversary gestures. It is about how you live with each other on a regular Tuesday afternoon. The ten ways to court your wife in this article are drawn from twenty years of clinical practice and the published research on what actually keeps couples close.

The couples we worked with who recovered the warmth in their marriages did not start with a romantic getaway. They started with small daily behaviors. Over time, the felt sense of the marriage often began to shift. The research backs that up, and so does what Verlynda still sees every week in session.

Why Courting Your Wife Matters After Years of Marriage

Researchers Canary, Stafford, and Semic (2002) defined "liking" between spouses as the degree to which a person admires their partner. Liking is built from affection and respect, and it is the outcome of what they called relational maintenance behaviors. These behaviors are not extraordinary. They are small, repeatable acts that, over time, regenerate the feeling of being chosen.

The reason this matters is straightforward. Marriages do not stay warm by inertia. Researchers Wilcox and Dew, working under the National Marriage Project, found that husbands and wives who spent intentional couple time at least once a week were three and a half times more likely to report being "very happy" in their marriages than those who did not. The size of that effect is unusual in marriage research, and it is not produced by grand gestures. It is produced by repetition.

Think of these behaviors as planting seeds in a garden you tend year-round. Stop planting and you will not notice for a while. Then one season the marriage feels barren and you realize you are months away from anything growing again. Plant a few seeds every week and you have a near-constant harvest of warmth and connection. That is what courting your wife actually looks like in long marriages, and it is the foundation of the work we do in counseling for husband and wife.

King Solomon wrote, "Rejoice in the wife of your youth." That line captures everything we are about to walk through. The job is to keep delighting in each other, investing in each other, and enjoying each other, on purpose, for the long haul.

How to Court Your Wife in Everyday Moments: The 10 Behaviors

The following ten behaviors are not ideas pulled out of a hat. They come from empirically validated research on what differentiates couples who stay close from couples who drift. Read them once. Then pick two to start with this week.

1. Be Generous With Your Words and Actions

Generosity in marriage is a willingness to reflect on your spouse's strengths and work around her weaknesses to serve her. It is not jewelry or expensive vacations. It is small acts of service, affection, forgiveness, and noticing the good aloud.

The Journal of Marriage and Family (2013) found that as generosity increased in a marriage, marital satisfaction also increased. Conflict and perceived likelihood of divorce both decreased. The reason is simple. Generosity helps you see your wife as someone you give to, not someone you keep accounts against. That shift can change the posture you bring to your interactions with her.

Generosity is also one of the top five predictors of marital success, which is no accident. It compounds.

2. Be Sacrificial Without Strings

Sacrifice goes a step beyond generosity. It is the giving of benefits when your spouse is in need, with no expectation of immediate reciprocation. A 2010 study in Psychological Science found that the higher individuals scored in "communal strength" toward their partner, the more they experienced positive emotions during daily sacrifices. They felt appreciated and reported high relationship satisfaction on the days they made sacrifices. They also reported better mood and self-evaluation.

Read that again. The person doing the sacrificing felt better, not just the person receiving. This is the opposite of how most of us imagine sacrifice. Most of us bring entitlement to our marriages, a quiet ledger of what we expect out of it and what we are owed. That is the wrong scaffolding for a marriage you actually want to live inside.

3. Be Grateful Out Loud

Gratitude reminds your nervous system, and hers, of the good in the partnership. Research on daily diaries shows that on days when one spouse expresses more gratitude, the other reports feeling more satisfied with the relationship. The signal does not have to be elaborate. It has to be specific, frequent, and out loud.

"Thank you for handling the school pickup today" lands differently than a vague "thanks for everything." Specific gratitude tells her you noticed the actual work. Vague gratitude tells her you are checking a box.

4. Be Open About Your Inner World

Talk about the relationship and share what you are thinking and feeling about it. The things we think we need to hide to protect our wife from our worry or sadness are often the very things that, shared, would bring us closer. The pattern Verlynda sees most often in session is the husband who has interpreted his own emotional containment as protection, when his wife has been reading the silence as distance.

If you want a soul mate, you have to bare your soul. Internalizing and not verbalizing creates a roommate, not a marriage. The husbands we saw turn this around almost always started before they felt like it. They named one feeling, on one ordinary day, before the rationale for naming it was fully formed. That is the move.

5. Be Positive: The Magic Ratio at Work

This is different from gratitude. Be positive means giving compliments, assurances, and clear signals that the relationship has a future. John Gottman's research on stable marriages found that during conflict, healthy couples maintain roughly a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions. During non-conflict moments, the ratio is even higher. Positivity is not a personality trait. It is a deposit.

Tell her you are in this for the long haul. Tell her she is the person you want to come home to. Tell her something specific you admire about who she is, not only what she does. The point is to make commitment audible.

6. Be Together in Daily Life

Share your social network. Include her in your recreational interests when you can. Share tasks. You can court your wife by doing dishes together, by working through the budget at the kitchen table, by walking the dog at dusk. The structure matters less than the proximity.

One caveat. If you have to do everything together, or one of you panics when the other has independent time, that is not closeness, that is enmeshment. Healthy togetherness assumes two differentiated people choosing to spend ordinary time in the same room. If anxiety is driving the togetherness instead of choice, that is worth bringing to a therapist.

7. Be Playful, and Tease Each Other

Some couples grow up believing you should never tease or poke fun at your spouse. We disagree, and so does the research. Playfulness is one of the first casualties of a busy marriage. If your weeks are work, bills, dishes, and sleep, you have no room for play, and the relationship becomes a logistics meeting.

Beyond teasing, couples who do novel activities together, hiking, dancing, travel, card games, anything fun and slightly arousing, report higher relationship quality. Novelty can wake up some of the same reward systems that made the relationship feel exciting early on. Build some of that back in.

8. Be Aware of Who She's Becoming

Notice what is new about your wife. We are all changing constantly, but we get so familiar with each other that we stop seeing the change. We start treating our partner as a fixed entity. That is one of the quiet ways admiration dies.

People have core values that stay anchored, but environment, work, parenting, and time stretch them in new directions. Watch how she is responding to those forces. Notice the good and reinforce it by saying what you see. "I noticed how you handled that conversation with your sister. That took something." That kind of observation tells her you are still paying attention to who she is becoming, not just who she has been.

9. Be a Poet on a Sticky Note

A University of Texas study found that participants who wrote about their relationships for twenty minutes at a time over three days were more likely to still be together three months later. They also expressed more positive emotions in instant-message conversations after the writing. The act of putting feeling into words consolidates it.

Translation: when you think fondly of your wife, write it down. A sticky note on her steering wheel. A two-line text mid-morning. A short note inside the cookbook she will open Saturday. The point is not the eloquence. It is the evidence that she occupied your inner world during the day.

10. Be Touching: The Oxytocin Effect

Non-sexual affectionate touch, hand-holding, a back rub, a long hug, a kiss on the forehead, releases oxytocin in both bodies. Oxytocin reduces stress and increases pair-bonding. Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, calls these "hold-me-tight" moments and considers them foundational to attachment-based marriage repair. Without regular physical reassurance, many people begin to feel less secure in the relationship, even when nothing obvious is wrong.

The practical anchor is the six-second hug, every day. Long enough to feel each other land. The neuroscience of touch is also why we wrote about the neuroscience of dating your spouse. The body keeps a more honest record of the marriage than the mind does.

How to Pursue Your Wife When the Spark Has Faded

...

My own daughter asked me today, “So, why do people do pre-marital counseling?”

She’s 13.

I’m glad she’s asking. You are likely wondering the same thing if you're reading this and so I’d like to make a case for it. Not just for my own benefit – I do offer pre-marital counseling/coaching – but for your sake especially.

You see, it does help. A lot.

Is Pre-Marital Counseling Worth It?

One meta-analytic research review we looked into showed that the mean effect size for premarital programs was 0.80. In plain English, this means that the average person participating in a program was significantly better off afterwards than 70% of the people who did not participate. Okay, that's still not plain English...

In simpler terms, most people benefit greatly from Pre-Marital Counseling.

Marriage is a big thing. It’s not to be entered into lightly. Verlynda and I hope to build a house in the near future and part of what we will do is sit down and figure out exactly what it is going to take to complete the project. We’re doing that because we want to count the cost before we start and be sure of a positive outcome.

Pre-marital counseling is an opportunity to count the cost before you get into marriage and help secure a positive outcome.

It is a time to really take stock of what you’re going to be building for the rest of your life. You have the chance to learn about the resources you’ll need to finish what you are starting. You'll gather essential resources and information like communication skills, shared values, shared vision for your future, shared dreams, goals and so on.

Verlynda and I actually had very, very little pre-marital counseling. But I am so thankful for what we did have as I did some major learning about how to be the husband I needed to be. It would have been very painful for me (and more so for Verlynda!) to learn that by trial and error!

What Should You Be Looking For in a Pre-Marital Coaching/Counseling Program?

There are basically three varieties of programs:

Self-directed

Therapist-directed

Assessment based

One study we looked into compared these three and noted that the assessment based programs were the most effective both immediately following the program and 6 months later.

This is the approach I use. Rather than being purely something I create extemporaneously, I begin with an assessment to determine strength and growth areas for the couple and follow through with skills training leading from what is revealed from the assessment. We then go on to discuss what each couple feels is most relevant to creating a successful marriage.

What Are The Benefits of Pre-Marital Counseling?

There are plenty of good reasons. But here are four backed by research from a 2001 article in an academic journal called Family Relations.

First, pre-marital counseling slows couples down to foster deliberation. You will be compelled to stop and think seriously about your marriage. You will learn to become explicit about your expectations and beliefs. In fact, you may even discover dynamics that are unacknowledged or unnoticed that lead you to not marry at all.

On that note, we found another study that showed that 5-15% of pre-marital coaching resulted in a breakup. That might scare you off, but think about it. Would you rather have the pain of breaking up with your fiancée now? Or would it be easier to dissolve a marriage seven years in? We, therapists, believe that both the breakups and stronger marriages resulting from pre-marital counseling are success stories.

When you’re forced to deliberately clarify your expectations about marriage, you’re given the opportunity to discuss the most crucial (and possibly problematic) areas of your life together.

Second, pre-marital coaching or counseling sends a two-fold message to you as a couple:

That your marriage, as an institution, matters

How your marriage turns out depends on your attitudes and actions

It’s critical to understand that successful marriages are not a matter of fate. Rather, the decisions you make, actions you carry out and attitudes you choose determine the course of your marital satisfaction.

Third, it helps you learn of options if you need help later.

There’s stigma about getting marriage counseling. But often those couples that do run into struggles find it easier to return for help to the person they did pre-marital counseling with.

When you learn specific skills in pre-marital coaching or counseling, you’re also learning that there is more to learn. That marriage is always about growth and development. So when you run into challenges later on (we all do!) you know that there are more resources available.

Finally, it just helps! Couples who take premarital counseling are less likely to think about divorce and more likely to have confidence in their ability to handle future challenges.

But We Never Had Pre-Marital Counseling!

Well, this just got awkward.

No, just kidding. You know what, you can actually come back later and learn these skills. It’s never too late!

Let’s all just agree to give up pretending that we have it together, okay?

I’ve said it in past episodes of our podcast: I have a Master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, but I still screw up. I still offend Verlynda from time to time. I say dumb things. Sometimes, I even say mean things.

All that to say that I am still learning to be a better husband. I hope that I will always be learning to be a better husband (so does Verlynda!!).

And so even if you didn’t have the opportunity to do pre-marital counseling, it’s never to late to call your local therapist (or me!) and say, “Hey, we want to enrich our marriage. How can you help us?”

If you're not yet married, pre-marital counseling is far less than the cost of your wedding. Far less than the cost of a divorce, of all the lost days, weeks and months of pain that you may experience if you don’t equip yourselves to be skillful spouses.

If you’re in a place where you could benefit from this, I’d love to work with you.

I know what you’re thinking.

Why on earth would I want to support my spouse when we’re fighting?

Well, because you want to stay married, that’s why. That’s the “brutally-loving” truth!

But, there’s more.

It makes fighting productive. Yes. That’s right. I mean it. It actually makes the conflict helpful for your marriage.

Now, I could go down a rabbit trail about why fighting is good for your marriage but I want you to think about your beliefs about fighting and disagreeing instead.

We generally assume that as conflict increases in a marriage, the couple’s satisfaction with their marriage decreases. That’s a good assumption. It is usually correct. But focusing on stopping the conflict as a way to improve satisfaction just leads to avoidance.

That’s not going to work.

Research in a study presented by Cramer (2003) pointed out that if you focus on unconditional acceptance, understanding, and openness, as those increase, marriage satisfaction increases regardless of the quantity of conflict.

Pretty cool, hey?

This underlines the importance of focusing on the positive, of affirming what you want more of, and overall, the importance of building a healthy, thriving marriage.

When that is in place, it’s not about how much you fight anymore. I want you to worry more about the quality of your marriage (infusing the good) rather than the number of your disagreements.

In terms of positive things, you can bring to your next disagreement, let’s look at three that are critical. These skills will improve the quality of your marriage.

Listen

We talk a lot about listening because it is important!

Non-defensive listening is vital here. This is a skill that helps “partners to focus their attention on what the other person is saying and to attempt to really understand it. This skill reduces interruptions and the preoccupation with defending oneself and formulating retorts” (Gottman, 1994).

That’s a critical definition, and a useful one. You might want to even write that down.

Of course, to listen non-defensively is a challenge when we’re already ticked off at our spouse. But you’re doing this for your marriage, not just yourself, right?

To listen in this manner is going to require self-restraint. As in, restraining your impulse to dispute your spouse’s perceptions.

Don’t worry, the research confirms this is going to be a challenge: “Non-defensive listening requires significant self-control, particularly when there is an important disagreement and passions run high” Fowers, (2001).

Think of this as a skill. Like learning to ride a bike, you won’t get it right the first time. There’ll be bumps and scrapes but eventually, you will make this a habit.

And when you do, you’ll have discovered that you can keep your partner speaking while you exercise self-restraint.

This is a huge act of generosity! It is giving to your spouse the gift of attention and interest and it’s sending your spouse the signal that you believe he or she has something worthwhile to say.

So we can be generous or miserly with each other. But generosity, remember, is a top-five predictor of a successful marriage and so I’m challenging you to be generous by choosing to listen well.

Validate

Of course, if you are doing a good job of listening you’ll be well-positioned to validate your spouse.

Validation can be as simple as what we therapists call “listener backchannels”. As in, those simple verbal cues that tell the other person you’re following them. Things like, “mmhmm” and “yeah…” and nodding, eye contact and all that good stuff.

When you do this it doesn’t need to mean that you agree. But it is just saying to your spouse that you’re listening, you’re interested, and you may have your own point of view but you want to hear him or her out.

That’s the key point. I’m not asking you to agree with your spouse.

I am asking you to communicate that you understand her/his feelings and you acknowledge those feelings as legitimate for your spouse.

This again is using generosity, especially when your spouse’s viewpoint is different from your own. But it’s so powerful to send a clear signal to your spouse that her point of view is legitimate.

To help with this, just remember that you don’t need to have the same feelings as your spouse. But you can still understand and accept his expressed feelings.

What you’re doing is giving your spouse a share in the claim to truth. And so what this does for the marriage is rather than having a problem between you, you’re working together on a problem.

Now, this is no less of a challenge than to listen well. In fact, it might be more of a challenge.

I’m a therapist (this is Caleb writing this post). I know these skills. I teach these skills. But I don’t always manage to use them when I should in our marriage!

It takes real mindfulness and commitment to choose the right behavior rather than choosing the right to be right.

At least, that’s what I find.

Self-Soothe

Last, but not least!

Gottman and Schnarch are both big on this. They are both thought leaders in the marriage research industry.

Gottman says, “From the data gathered in our lab we’ve seen how quickly discussions fall apart as soon as one spouse’s heart rate begins to soar. Learning how to calm down helps prevent unproductive fighting or running away from the important discussions you may need to have.”

Let’s acknowledge that disagreements can be overwhelming to some of us.

They are to me.

Not so much in our marriage, but at work or other social situations where conflict is present, I really start to shake on the inside. I guess Verlynda can be scary but in a different way :-)

Regardless, during the conflict, our body responds by going into fight or flight mode. And what we really need and want to be doing is staying engaged with our spouse. So our body is often going to be working against us.

That’s ok. You don’t have to get mad at your body.

Rather, just allow yourself some compassion. Become aware of how you are responding physiologically and then learn to self-soothe.

There are a few things you could try to soothe yourself. Definitely work on regulating your breathing. That doesn’t mean clamping down on it. Rather, take deep breaths in through your nose and slowly release out through your mouth.

You can open your body posture (unfold or uncross all your limbs). Use prayer. Find what works for you. The goal is simple: calm yourself down.

Just being accepting of the disagreement itself is helpful. You wouldn’t upset if this weren’t important to you, right?

So, if you want to stay engaged you’re going to have to work a little harder. This is usually truer for us guys. We like fireworks when we’re holding the lighter. But when our beloved lights up, it can feel a little, er, scary.

Just having the awareness of what is going on in your body is powerful. Learning to comfort and self-soothe so that you can stay engaged in the discussion is going to put you in a much better place to support your spouse.

The goal is to support your spouse. Don’t get lost in your own stuff by not listening, failing to validate or allowing yourself to become overwhelmed.

Got it?

Support Your Spouse While You Disagree

Now, your homework for this week is to go have a disagreement.

About halfway through the conflict, when things have warmed up nicely, just do a quick check-in with your spouse. “Hey, honey. Are you feeling supported right now even though we’re disagreeing?”

Let me know what she/he says in the comments below.

I read a comic strip once about pregnancy and childbirth that had the title “Help, my entertainment center is now a juice bar!"

While it struck my funny bone, there is so much truth in that statement.

We may think that adding our firstborn to the family will be all hunky-dory, fun and games, but the reality is it usually results in a DECREASE in marital quality. Navigating the relationship issues that transpire following the birth of a child can be tough!

If you’re a young parent reading this today, know that you guys are awesome! You may not feel awesome most days, but keep going. Props to you for navigating these tough times while bringing a new generation into the world.

So, what really goes on in our relationships and with our sexuality following the birth of a child?

Let’s talk about some realistic expectations, and how to create resiliency in your marriage to make this as positive an experience as possible.

The ‘New’ Norm

It is no surprise that a woman’s sexual desire and the frequency of intercourse in the early postpartum period is reduced. What surprised me was that breastfeeding was the cause.

Another thing that affects sexual intercourse during pregnancy and four months postpartum is the woman’s view of her changing roles. If the woman views her shift from the work role being primary to the mother role being primary in a positive light, there will be a greater frequency of sexual intercourse.

If you’re in this stage of life, be sure to discuss, as a couple, how you’re feeling about moving from being in the workforce to becoming a mother. Talk about what is positive, what you’re going to miss, and what you expect to be challenging.

Given that physical intimacy is reduced around the birth of a child, let us emphasize that having kids is NOT an ideal way to bring life or intimacy to your marriage. Rather than looking to baby to fulfill a need, bring your fullness to your baby. Use those first few years of marriage to focus on building a robust relationship, and from that healthy place, bring children into the family unit.

Another normal complication, which may be quite unpleasant, is Dyspareunia - pain during intercourse for women. The research says that 3 months after delivery 58% of women experienced dyspareunia, 39% experienced vaginal dryness, and 44% suffered a loss of sexual desire. Those are high numbers!

8-9 months later 26% still experienced dyspareunia, 22% had vaginal dryness, and 35% still suffered a loss of sexual desire. The scary part is only 20% of women discussed postnatal sexual problems with a physician.

You may think you are alone or unique, but you’re not! Talk to your doctor!

You can’t have pleasurable sex if you’re in pain while your husband’s penis is in your vagina. It is such a common issue and nothing to be ashamed about. Again, make sure you talk to your doctor.

I laughed at the results of the next study we looked at: they studied 768 first time parents and found that sexual desire is greater among fathers than mothers! Really… what a surprise!

Unfortunately, though, the tension between the sexual desires of the couple can become a focus of attention rather than the baby.

Add into the equation that men typically see sexuality as a way to intimacy, and women see intimacy as a way to sexuality, and it gets tricky. The husband can very quickly end up lonely and feeling emotional emptiness, but when Wife is experiencing pain and exhaustion, what are they to do?

One idea is to place more of an emphasis on sensuality over sexuality – hugging, kissing and caressing. Couples that compensate with this are better able to stay connected because it confirms each other and the affection they have for one another.

Another part for tired young moms to remember here is that you may have low desire because you are tired, but you can still be open to arousal. It’s the difference between going to bed wanting to do something versus going to bed willing to be open to something.

During all this though – be sure to focus on communication. Just because you’re tired, and your attention is diverted elsewhere, and there may be physical limitations to sexuality, it does not mean you’ve fallen out of love or that your marriage is on the rocks! This is just how it goes sometimes- the ‘new norm’.

To new Dad’s out there: if you’re pushing for sex when your wife is exhausted, she may draw away. When a new mom has no desire because she is just trying to make it through the day, she does not dare to show you any tenderness in case that is misunderstood as sexual interest.

So, what can you do? Again, talk about it!

Acknowledge that baby and sex are competing. Allow mom to say, “I want to be loving but I may not be able to be sexual”. Make the physical relationship non-demanding. If there is no pressure, and the ability to be tender, with no expectations, the wife may relax enough to become aroused, but if that doesn’t happen, husband, you need to respect that and not take it as a personal rejection!

This takes really good communication and the willingness for the husband to honor the trauma done to his wife’s body. Both husband and wife need to accept that this little cutie they’ve created takes some work and that it takes a different kind of together, but it IS going to be OK! There are many parents out there who are a little further along and they’re having sex like they’re on vacation. So, hang in there!

Remember, there are many things that influence relationship quality and sexual satisfaction after the birth of a child. Fatigue plays a huge part, as does the physical impact of the childbearing process. Then breastfeeding has an impact too.

Another thing to throw in the mix for many couples is post-partum depression. The depressive mood is an issue for many. If you are going through this, have compassion for yourself. Husband – have compassion for your wife.

One of the significant facts that came out of a study of over 400 women was a financial worry. What does that have to do with postpartum depression? If a new mother is worrying about finances, it increases the risk of depression. A good conversation is necessary (preferably before you are pregnant) to figure out what can be cut out of the family spending. You may not be able to keep the same standard of living, but thinking about what you can do to reduce these worries helps.

Another major factor for a woman is social support. Remember ladies, it’s when you least feel like getting out of bed that it is most necessary for you to do so. There are many “Mom’s” programs at churches or community centers that would welcome you and help you realize you are not alone in your struggles.

Lastly, focus on the positive. The new life… The little smiles... That particular little newborn smile… The joys…

If you’re out there and having a hard time, reach out. Yes, life with a newborn is a challenge, but there are more people out there that care for you than maybe you can see right now. If it’s really, really hard, make sure you reach out to your family doctor and get some help there as well.

So, while the ‘new norm’ isn’t necessarily all pleasant, remember it’s only for the short term. Communicating with your spouse and having compassion for their new norm goes a long way in keeping your marriage healthy when life is changing. Hang in there; you’ll make it through!