Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam

Parenting teens is a tricky balancing act—nurturing your child while letting them go. Every parent hopes their teen grows into a confident, capable adult who makes good choices and chases their dreams. But there's always the fear of them making big mistakes or getting hurt along the way. Esther Joy Goetz, author, speaker, and the force behind the popular Moms of Bigs social media community, is here to help us navigate this challenge. 

Esther's insights will empower you to find that balance between nurturing and letting go, while focusing on long-term, healthy relationships with your teens. She’ll also share what inspired her to create the Moms of Bigs community—a lifeline for moms of teens and young adults who are facing similar struggles.

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE

5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS

🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

EPISODE CHAPTERS:

CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Esther Joy Goetz

CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Cam (00:01.297)

Esther Joy Goetz (00:32.526)

Dr. Cam (00:42.353)

Esther Joy Goetz (00:52.942)

A lot of times, our passion is born from what we needed. There’s plenty of advice on breastfeeding and how to handle toddlers, but once they hit the teen years, it’s sparse. Or it feels very formulaic—“Do these three things, and you’ll have a magic relationship with your teen.” I was like, “Yeah, I know.” I felt like my teens were some of my greatest teachers, and that’s the posture I wanted to take. Plus, all the mom emotions. You mentioned the big one—fear. No one was really talking about what to do with those emotions in the meantime. That’s really where I focused—on those motherhood emotions.

Dr. Cam (03:03.665)

Esther Joy Goetz (03:41.07)

When they’re young, you think you can control them. But once they hit the teen years, the illusion of control disappears. You’re left with fear and worry.

Dr. Cam (04:49.521)

Esther Joy Goetz (05:34.798)

My tagline is giving our kids the roots of unconditional love and the wings of freedom to be completely themselves. And the safety aspect—it’s something we have to come to grips with. Can we keep them “safe”? What does that even mean? You can keep them physically safe, but they could still be emotionally crippled. If we focus only on physical safety, we emotionally stunt them. My kids have told me this: “You’re emotionally stunting me. I can’t even make a mistake or figure out what I like or don’t like.”

There are different kinds of safety we’re talking about here. My job is to be a safe space for them.

Dr. Cam (07:23.825)

Esther Joy Goetz (07:26.158)

If I’m a safe space, I’m creating a soft place for them to land. But there’s also that idea I love where it says, “Ships are not made to stay in the harbor. Ships are made to go out—sometimes into beautiful waters, sometimes into treacherous ones. But the design of the ship is to manage all of that. They’re not designed to stay safe in the harbor.”

Dr. Cam (08:35.505)

Esther Joy Goetz (09:05.838)

Dr. Cam (10:28.593)

Esther Joy Goetz (10:29.294)

Dr. Cam (10:55.825)

Esther Joy Goetz (11:16.462)

So, you’re going to have all kinds of kids. Some will push back on everything you say, and it’s exhausting. Others will naturally want to please you. Then there’s everything in between. These constant conversations about what they really need versus what you need are important. We’re all allowed to have needs in a home. No, letting them do whatever they want is not healthy. Healthy boundaries are where I can love you and myself simultaneously. You don’t just get to be a slob and leave dishes everywhere in the common area. But guess what? I’ll never come into your room.

We have common space that everyone must respect. But your room, or section of the room—if you share with a sibling—is your responsibility. We had two boys who shared a room, and they had their own sections they couldn’t invade. It's not about all-or-nothing thinking. That’s devastating for parenting teens.

Dr. Cam (13:29.809)

Esther Joy Goetz (13:59.022)

We can have guidance and freedom. I can give unconditional love, with no strings attached, and I can also give them the wings of freedom. Freedom means no control. You can't have love and control. If you're trying to regulate your own fear, there’s a little voice inside saying, “Listen, you’re trying to regulate yourself by controlling them.” That’s different from, “Hey, this is a common space, and I’m not okay with this. I live here too, and the dishes can’t be left everywhere. I’m not cleaning up after you. You take care of your stuff, and I’ll never be on your back.”

But I also have to take care of myself and my stuff. I don't just get to go into your room and throw my things around. I wouldn’t throw my stuff in your head either.

Dr. Cam (15:38.513)

Esther Joy Goetz (15:43.79)

That means we get to share our hopes, our dreams, and our interests. Maybe they’ll try on some of our hats and say, "Wow, I really like the Pittsburgh Steelers, because Dad shared his love for the Steelers." Or, "I like how Mom keeps everything organized. I want to do that in my room." But we don’t belong in their heads, telling them who to be, what to love, or who to love. That’s not ours to own. Their minds and hearts are theirs to figure out.

It doesn’t mean I can’t try on some of their hats, too. They’ve taught me so much. I never knew I loved a certain band, and then they showed it to me, and I thought, “Wow, this is great!” But they didn’t force me to listen to it all day long in the car. It’s about permission to explore together. I just love that.

Dr. Cam (17:18.097)

Esther Joy Goetz (18:10.03)

Yeah, the whole “should” word. I think we all have pushback against the word “should,” right? Our generation especially. We had that major pushback against the “shoulds.” It was like a stranglehold on us. We don’t want to raise our kids in a way where they have to heal from the “shoulds.” We want to provide an environment where the “shoulds” are off the table. There are certain moral ethics we abide by, of course—things like kindness, compassion, and justice. But I would say that happens by modeling. You want your kids to learn how to be respectful? Respect them.

A couple of Christmases ago, or maybe it was New Year’s Day, we asked our kids, “What do you think our three major takeaways were for you guys?” Believe it or not, they all had different answers based on their personal relationships with us, but all four of them said “respect.” We asked, “Why respect?” And they said, “Because from the time we were taught, all the way through, even as teens, you always respected us.” We didn’t even realize we were doing it. They felt like they always had a voice in vacations, that we listened to them. Of course, it wasn’t perfect, and I’ve had major mom fails still. But still, I love that. There’s that modeling piece. We just showed them respect and talked about it when they felt disrespected—by a coach, a teacher, a sibling, or even us. They were always allowed to tell us how they felt.

And we were there to listen, like, “Yeah, what made you feel disrespected? That doesn’t seem respectful for that teacher to talk to you like that. You don’t have to be treated that way.” It’s interesting, they always respected people who respected them.

Dr. Cam (19:29.745)

Esther Joy Goetz (19:43.182)

Dr. Cam (21:07.921)

Esther Joy Goetz (21:26.862)

Dr. Cam (21:29.329)

Esther Joy Goetz (21:56.494)

Dr. Cam (22:44.273)

Esther Joy Goetz (23:01.838)

Dr. Cam (23:12.305)

Esther Joy Goetz (23:22.158)

If I keep that long-term goal in mind, I think about it like a crockpot, not a microwave.

Dr. Cam (24:18.033)

Esther Joy Goetz (24:23.118)

Dr. Cam (25:15.697)

Esther Joy Goetz (25:23.278)

Think about your relationship with your parents.

Dr. Cam (25:54.385)

Esther Joy Goetz (25:59.534)

I also think parents should say yes as much as possible. Listen, hear them out, and say yes when you can. If you say yes more often, the no’s are easier to handle because they know you’re not just trying to control everything. When they ask if they can do something, instead of immediately saying no, I used to say, “When you’ve figured everything out, come back and we’ll talk about it.” And most of the time, their plans fell through anyway.

Dr. Cam (27:58.385)

So, what’s the one thing you want parents to take away from today’s conversation? What’s the most important point?

Esther Joy Goetz (28:41.806)

There are a million ways people try to control their kids, but ultimately, we’re in this for the long haul.

Dr. Cam (29:34.193)

Esther Joy Goetz (29:41.454)

Dr. Cam (29:49.585)

Esther Joy Goetz (29:55.118)

It’s simple, just connecting without any agenda. If what I said about the “self-stuff” resonated with you, have a conversation. Tell them, “I heard this podcast today, and they said this and this. I was just wondering what you thought about it.” My favorite way to connect is sending random notes—texts, TikToks, whatever I can do—to say one thing I’m thankful for, whether it's about them, something they’ve done lately, or how they’ve made me feel. Not tied to anything specific. Not, “Thank you for the flowers on Mother’s Day,” just, “Thank you for being you.” That’s just one way to connect without any strings attached, without any “mom agenda.”

Dr. Cam (31:23.697)

Esther Joy Goetz (31:32.494)

Dr. Cam (31:36.849)

Esther Joy Goetz (31:57.912)

Dr. Cam (32:06.446)

Esther Joy Goetz (32:06.446)

Dr. Cam (32:47.761)

Esther Joy Goetz (32:54.126)

ABOUT THE SHOW

#ParentingTeens #MomsOfBigs #Teenagers

Is your bathroom a battleground when it comes to your teenager’s hygiene? On one hand, we struggle to get our teen sons to simply wash their face, while on the other, we grapple with curbing our daughters’ complex beauty routines (seriously, are all those serums necessary?). That's why I’m thrilled to have Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness with us today!

Dr. Maguiness is a double board-certified pediatric dermatologist, a mom of two tween boys (so she gets it firsthand), and the co-founder of Stryke Club, a personal care and hygiene brand designed specifically for boys. Dr. Maguiness is here to help us navigate the often confusing and challenging world of teenage hygiene, giving us the tools to support our teens’ skincare routines and foster healthy habits.

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE

5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS

🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

Basic Skin Care Products for Teens:

Extra Products That Won’t Harm Sensitive Teen Skin:

Acne Skin Care Products:

EPISODE CHAPTERS:

CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness

CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Cam (00:02.71)

Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (00:48.077)

Dr. Cam (00:51.254)

Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (01:01.853)

Then, I met my partner, and now we're in Minneapolis, where I have a large academic practice at the University of Minnesota. But yes, the skin of kids, I mean, what could be better? Baby skin all day, but not to discount the teens, because I love my adolescent patients too.

Dr. Cam (01:46.422)

Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (01:52.589)

Dr. Cam (02:10.678)

Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (02:21.677)

But then, your child disappears into the bathroom, and you wonder, are they really clean? What’s happening in there? We don’t know. And that’s the case for all tweens and teens. There’s just this general desire for independence.

But something interesting is happening. If you’ve been following the news lately, you’ll know that there's a growing trend where girls and boys are doing different things when it comes to skincare, hygiene, and self-care. I think these are topics we can really dig into today.

Dr. Cam (03:41.238)

Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (04:14.605)

Dr. Cam (04:35.51)

Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (04:45.837)

What’s happening here? Well, let’s think about your own home and what’s being modeled. A lot of times, it’s the moms who have their own skincare routines—cleansers, moisturizers, makeup, grooming. There’s a lot of modeling that moms do regarding self-care, which kids, both boys and girls, pick up on.

But the girls, in particular, see this and start to understand it’s a normal, accepted behavior to care for your skin and hygiene. On the other hand, boys see their moms engaging in these self-care practices, but they may not see the same from their dads. There's a gap in what’s modeled for girls versus boys.

I think it’s a great opportunity for parents to step in and open a discussion about hygiene and self-care for boys. We need to give them the tools they need and show them what to do. There’s been some stigma surrounding boys and hygiene, like they’re just supposed to know how to take care of themselves. But if you step back, girls are seeing this modeled by their moms. Maybe moms and dads haven’t had that same conversation with their sons. That’s how I’ve been thinking about it in the last few years, as I’ve seen these trends emerging.

Dr. Cam (07:09.046)

Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (07:25.581)

I do think there’s interest. This is the selfie generation—the kids who grew up with social media, digital cameras everywhere, and phones in their pockets. So, on one hand, there’s all this content being created and consumed by girls. But the same doesn’t really exist for boys. They’re more interested than ever before, but there’s still something missing.

If you're a mom of teens, just go to your local retailer—whether it's Walmart or Target. Walk down the aisle, and what you’ll see is a sea of products marketed and packaged to appeal to young girls. They’re pink, orange, fruity, with scrubs and multiple steps. But when you look for something for your son, there’s much less. You’ll find products in the clinical aisle—dermatologist-recommended, clinical, or medicinal. Or worse, it’s like the OxyPads we had in the ‘80s and ‘90s. We’re a little behind the times, right?

So, that’s what we’re seeing in the retail world and on social media, and our kids are responding accordingly.

Dr. Cam (09:18.422)

Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (09:39.309)

Dr. Cam (09:56.214)

Dr. Sheilagh Maguiness (10:00.941)

We’re not talking about products with beads, scrubs, or charcoal—those aren’t necessary. Just a gentle cleanser, 100%. Then, at nighttime, if needed, a moisturizer. If their skin’s a little dry after cleansing, a light moisturizer is great.

Again, I prefer products that are gentle. There aren’t many products formulated specifically for teen skin, but most can use a fragrance-free, hypoallergenic, non-comedogenic (non-acnegenic) moisturizer.

And always use sunscreen. It’s never too young to start using it. In the morning, an SPF 30 or greater is a great addition to their routine. That’s it. Those three things—the basics—are really all any teen needs for a healthy skincare routine.

Dr. Cam (12:12.182)

Sheilagh Maguiness (12:22.157)

It’s quite funny, especially with boys. If you don’t ask them, "Hey, did you just take a shower? Your hair doesn’t seem to have been washed," you might be surprised to find out they haven’t washed their hair or they’re using the shampoo head to toe, all over their face. That can be really irritating. You just don’t know what they’re doing. So ask the questions, make it fun, and talk about it in an encouraging, inquisitive way. It’s a nice opportunity to connect with your tween or teen, I think.

Dr. Cam (13:27.062)

Sheilagh Maguiness (13:32.173)

Dr. Cam (14:07.766)

Sheilagh Maguiness (14:24.941)

Dr. Cam (14:40.822)

Sheilagh Maguiness (14:44.301)

Dr. Cam (15:11.574)

Sheilagh Maguiness (15:19.085)

Let's break it down. No tween or teen needs harsh acid exfoliants, retinol, tons of toners, or masks that could irritate their developing skin. Our skin barrier is fragile. If you scrub it too much and put on ingredients that act like acids and cause even a tiny chemical burn, you can damage the skin barrier and create other issues. Not only will it feel uncomfortable, but it can look red, lead to allergic or irritant contact dermatitis, and even cause hyperpigmentation in children of color. We don't want that. It can also make acne worse.

So, really, the basics still apply: a cleanser, a moisturizer, and sunscreen. If they want to splurge on a good sunscreen, go for it. That’s always a great splurge. If you're at Sephora, yes, say yes to a good cleanser and sunscreen. A toner is okay, but be mindful of irritation, especially products that are scented or have essential oils.

Sheilagh Maguiness (17:43.757)

Dr. Cam (18:00.214)

Sheilagh Maguiness (18:14.925)

We need to educate them to gravitate toward products that are gentle, fragrance-free, and non-comedogenic, especially if they have acne. There are active ingredients that can help with skin concerns, but most teens don’t have major concerns like wrinkles and fine lines. Most of the time, if they have a concern, it’s acne.

Dr. Cam (19:28.318)

Sheilagh Maguiness (19:50.573)

Dr. Cam (20:02.134)

Sheilagh Maguiness (20:31.821)

Dr. Cam (20:55.542)

Sheilagh Maguiness (20:57.549)

It’s a great option, like a toner with hypochlorous acid. Some brands carry it, like Tower in a red bottle, or SOS Recovery Sprays. These sprays are fantastic multitaskers because you can use them for skin, cuts, and scrapes.

Dr. Cam (22:02.198)

Sheilagh Maguiness (22:23.501)

Dr. Cam (22:30.038)

Sheilagh Maguiness (22:47.725)

For early acne, if it's comedonal—those bumps under the skin—a good start is a gentle cleanser with 1-2% salicylic acid. Salicylic acid helps break up the bonds between skin cells and clears pores.

Another option is adapalene, a topical retinoid, available under the brand Differin. It’s gentle and works well for preventing and treating acne. But be careful—it can be irritating. Start with a pea-sized amount and use it twice a week, then gradually increase. You can use it on the face, chest, and back.

For inflammatory acne, things like benzoyl peroxide, hypochlorous acid spray, or a sodium hypochlorite-based cleanser can help too.

Dr. Cam (25:09.622):

Sheilagh Maguiness (25:21.389):

The hydrocolloid patches, those little pimple patches, are all very similar. They’re hydrocolloid dressings that help with wound healing. More importantly, they keep fingers off the acne, which helps prevent picking. And that is key, because we don’t want people picking at their acne for fear they might end up with a scar.

Dr. Cam (26:13.142):

Sheilagh Maguiness (26:15.885):

Dr. Cam (26:31.094):

Sheilagh Maguiness (26:58.669):

Dr. Cam (27:00.47):

Sheilagh Maguiness (27:09.293):

For teens and their parents to go to the store and let them help you pick it out—let them have a say in what they’re choosing.

Dr. Cam (27:45.462):

Sheilagh Maguiness (28:04.205):

You can even wipe under your underarms with something like that to clean. I feel like wipes resonate more with our busy teens, our active teens, and our boys too. It’s really helpful to throw them in the gym bag—you're one and done. Wipe off and you’re good.

Dr. Cam (28:53.334):

Sheilagh Maguiness (29:03.725):

Dr. Cam (29:21.366):

Sheilagh Maguiness (29:24.045):

Dr. Cam (29:34.358):

Sheilagh Maguiness (29:36.749):

ABOUT THE SHOW

#teenagehygiene #skincareforteens

Teen resilience is more important than ever. Between social anxieties, academic pressures, and the complexities of friendships, many teens struggle to navigate life’s challenges. That’s why I’m thrilled to welcome Jesse LeBeau, a nationally recognized youth motivational speaker and teen coach. With his powerful underdog story and proven methods, Jesse has inspired over a million teens to develop confidence, resilience, and a winning mindset. In this episode, he shares his game-changing approach—The Attitude Advantage—to help teens conquer adversity and thrive.

Key Takeaways

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About the Show:

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your essential guide to navigating the complexities of adolescence with clarity and confidence. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist, the podcast provides practical strategies and expert insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional development. Whether you're an experienced parent or just starting your journey with teens, this podcast is packed with valuable information to help you thrive.

#TeenResilience #ConfidenceMatters #OvercomingAdversity #TeenMotivation #ParentingTeens #TheAttitudeAdvantage #RaisingResilientTeens #TeenSuccess #JesseLeBeau #TeenEmpowerment #GrowthMindset #MentalStrength #LifeSkillsForTeens #BuildingConfidence #TheTeenTranslator #DrCamCaswell

Did you know that 20% of adolescents in the U.S. experience symptoms of body dysmorphia or eating disorders? The pressure to achieve unrealistic beauty standards is stronger than ever, thanks to social media and diet culture. As a parent, you want to protect your teen from these harmful influences—but how?

In this episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Dr. Kelli Rugless, a licensed psychologist, certified eating disorders specialist, and the Chief Clinical Officer at Project HEAL, a non-profit dedicated to making eating disorder treatment accessible to all. Together, they uncover the dangers of diet culture, the role of social media, and how parents can support their teens in developing a healthy relationship with food and their bodies.

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE

5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS

Social media plays a huge role in shaping teens' body image, often fueling insecurities and unrealistic beauty standards.

Teaching your teen to have a balanced, non-restrictive approach to food can help prevent disordered eating patterns.

Emotional eating isn’t inherently harmful—understanding its role can help teens develop a healthier mindset around food.

Open conversations about body image and self-worth can empower your teen to reject toxic diet culture.

Your connection and support as a parent are critical in helping your teen build confidence and a healthy self-image.

🎧❤️ ENJOYING THE SHOW?

Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫

🔔 Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solution-packed episode! 🙌

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

EPISODE CHAPTERS:

CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Kelli Rugless

CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Cam (00:00.454)

Kelli Rugless, PsyD (00:40.369)

Dr. Cam (00:41.958)

Kelli Rugless, PsyD (00:48.049)

But then, as part of my training, I had different rotations, and eating disorders were one of them. I began to see how much more they are about than just food. Food is what grabs everyone’s attention, but eating disorders are about so much more. Once I realized the different aspects they could involve—the intersection of mental health, physical health, and even social justice—it just felt like the perfect fit for me and my interests. So I wasn’t initially inspired, but once I had the experience, I saw the depth of it.

Dr. Cam (02:05.222)

One of the scariest things about social media—one of many—is the impact it has on our self-esteem, how we view our bodies, and how teens are growing up viewing their own bodies. I've seen this personally. I know a lot of parents are worried about this. First of all, is this something to be concerned about?

Kelli Rugless, PsyD (02:50.161)

And it doesn’t matter how they use it. You could try to curate a page focused on positivity and growth, but the issue is that social media is a highlight reel presented as real life. You're only seeing the best parts of people's lives—or even the most curated parts of the bad moments. It’s a well-edited, well-produced version of vulnerability or sadness. It looks real, but it’s not.

This makes it easy to believe your life should look like everyone else's and that your body should look like theirs. Not only is that unhealthy, but it’s also unrealistic.

Dr. Cam (04:14.374)

Kelli Rugless, PsyD (04:30.193)

That means saying things like, I'm sure we're only getting half the story or I wonder what filters they used on that or We don’t see all of their life—just a small part. Keep reinforcing the idea that social media is entertainment, not reality.

You wouldn’t look at a movie and think, That’s how my life should go. You’d understand there are editors, production, and scripts involved. The same thing applies to social media, but because it feels organic, we forget all the mechanisms at play.

It’s also okay to set limits. Have house rules like no phones at dinner or no screens after a certain time when on vacation. These small boundaries help create a healthier relationship with social media. You’re not taking it away completely, but you are setting limits.

Dr. Cam (06:12.39)

Diet culture has always been a big deal, but now it's everywhere. Dangerous TikTok trends for losing weight are popping up constantly. How do we buffer against this diet-crazed, thin-is-best culture—especially when so many of us have already bought into it?

Kelli Rugless, PsyD (07:11.985)

You can tell your kids all day long that all bodies are beautiful, but if you’re looking in the mirror criticizing yourself, talking about needing to lose weight, or pointing out your flaws, that message will override everything else.

Work on your own relationship with your body. Acknowledge that your body’s appearance is the least interesting thing about you. Your value is inherent—not tied to how you look. And your body does so much for you. Even if there’s something you don’t like about it, balance that with gratitude for what it can do.

If you need to talk to someone to work through those things, it’s worth it. The impact on your kids, your family, and even your friends is huge.

Dr. Cam (09:16.614)

Even with all of that, social media still bombards her with these messages. And sometimes, no matter how much we talk, what they see feels more real than what we say. So what else can we do?

[10:49.233] Kelli Rugless, PsyD: One thing we can do is stay curious. Instead of saying, "That’s bad for you—don’t watch that," ask them, "How does this make you feel?" Rather than jumping in to fix it, validate their experience. If they say, "It just makes me feel terrible," resist the urge to say, "No, you’re beautiful!" Instead, say, "I get that. If I were in your shoes, I’d feel the same way." When they’re ready for reassurance, that’s when you say, "But you are so much more than your appearance. I love this about you, your friends love that about you." Let them lead. Be there to listen first, and the influence will follow.

Our culture isn't right, but our goal is to talk to our kids and teenagers about the realities of accepting this really toxic culture that we live in, internalizing the messages, and what that can do—versus setting ourselves apart and actively trying to distance ourselves from the toxic aspects of our culture. Weight stigma is real.

People being afraid of gaining weight makes sense, right? Given the culture we live in—where there's discrimination against folks of different sizes—you can't get your clothes at the same store as your friends if you get above a certain size. If they do make it, it doesn't fit the same, the quality's different. There are real consequences to being in a larger body that people naturally want to avoid. It makes sense why they want to avoid that. However, it doesn't make weight stigma okay, right?

So what we're talking about is two types of discomfort. You can either be uncomfortable in the sense that you've internalized these toxic beliefs about weight and are forever on a hamster wheel trying to keep up with everyone, which is uncomfortable and really hard. Or you can be uncomfortable in the sense that you're separating yourself from the culture, which means you don't quite fit in. You're not talking about the same things, you're not getting on every new diet, you're not limiting the clothing you wear or saying, "I can only wear a one-piece because my body is this size." You're fully living the life you want to live in the body that you're in. And you might be on the outside of things, or you might get some dirty looks, or you might hear people saying rude things. No matter how you look at it, there's discomfort. It's going to be hard. The key is to pick your hard.

Which type of challenge do you want to take on? Which one is in alignment with your values and the kind of person you want to be as an adult? And that is the hard piece. It's a mature topic. It's a big, heavy decision. A lot of times, when I'm working with teenagers, one of the things they’ll mention to me is, "Why do I have to deal with this? All my other friends aren't talking about this. They're not thinking about this. Why am I thinking about it?" And I kind of commiserate with them and say, "I know. You're having to do some really heavy work really early. It will serve you. As you get older, you’ll be light years ahead of some folks. By the time you get to your 20s or 30s, you will have done this and figured out who you are outside of your appearance, and you'll be grateful. But right now, it is hard because the rest of your friends aren't dealing with this heaviness."

[19:41.126] Dr. Cam: Yeah. So what if they go into a really restrictive diet or develop a very unhealthy relationship with food and exercise because they’ve picked the "I don’t want to be different. I want to be thin and be like everyone I see in the world" route? Which, again, is not true. But what if they go that route and you're like, "I'm getting really scared about their health and their mindset about themselves because now they're obsessed with their weight"? I see kids that never feel good enough. I'll ask them, "What weight are you trying to get to?" or "How thin do you need to be?" and they don’t even have a goal. They just say, "Till I feel confident." And that’s dangerous because they won’t. So how do we handle that if we see our kids going down that path?

[20:29.137] Kelli Rugless, PsyD: That is the time to absolutely say something and do something—act quickly. Sometimes it can be tempting to let them grow out of it, to let them figure it out, or to avoid arguing with them. "I don’t want to create conflict, so I’m just going to let it be. I’m seeing some things I don’t like, and I’m just going to hope that things right themselves." With eating disorders, they thrive in isolation. The longer you let it go without saying something, the stronger it becomes and the harder it is to address.

When you see something, say something. Be loving, be kind, be warm, but be really clear about your concerns and act. Call a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. Look up an eating disorder treatment center in your area to get an assessment. Act quickly and get professionals involved. Eating disorders require a team—many people working from different directions to help someone recover. The quicker you notice it and get help, the easier it is to address. Talk about it, ask questions, express your love and care, but be really firm about your desire to help them and your confidence that what you’re seeing is not okay.

[22:20.902] Dr. Cam: Now, I’ve had parents who—understandably, no judgment—force their kids to eat. They set consequences if they don’t eat, put a certain amount of food on their plate, or bribe them to eat. Is that a helpful method?

[22:39.185] Kelli Rugless, PsyD: It depends on where your child is, but it can be helpful. I’d say it’s most helpful under the guidance of a provider. If, as a parent, you're going to take on that role, make sure your teenager has a therapist to help them process how hard it is to be forced to eat when they’re really afraid of food or gaining weight. But the act of feeding your child and making food non-negotiable is a very important part of treatment and recovery. A malnourished brain cannot get better. It can’t do the work of figuring out the underlying causes of the eating disorder if it is not well-nourished.

Feeding your child and making it a priority is huge, but you also want to make sure they have the support they need. Food is not just food anymore—it’s really hard. The level of anxiety that those with eating disorders feel when forced to eat is through the roof. They need support, skills, and sometimes even medication. So make sure you provide as much support as you can through the re-feeding process.

Dr. Cam (29:27.75)

Kelli Rugless, PsyD (29:39.697)

Dr. Cam (29:49.03)

Kelli Rugless, PsyD (30:16.785)

Dr. Cam (30:39.462)

Kelli Rugless, PsyD (31:00.817)

So, it’s got a really valuable purpose. It’s our psychiatric medication. And when we don’t have access to it, that’s a good thing. You just want to make sure that’s not the only way your child is managing their emotions. If it’s one out of ten different things they do when they don’t feel good, that’s okay. We’re supposed to do that. That’s how humans have evolved. That’s what our relationship with food is supposed to be. It’s not just about fuel. But you want to make sure that your child also knows how to journal, meditate, put on some music to influence their mood, maybe get outside and get some sun. They need to know how to manage their emotions in a variety of ways, so they’re not overusing food as a tool for coping.

Dr. Cam (32:21.03)

Kelli Rugless, PsyD (32:47.217)

Dr. Cam (33:48.774)

Kelli Rugless, PsyD (33:58.897)

Dr. Cam (35:01.222)

Kelli Rugless, PsyD (35:05.041)

Dr. Cam (35:21.254)

Kelli Rugless, PsyD (35:23.057)

ABOUT THE SHOW

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.

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In this powerful episode, Dr. Cam is joined by Sarah Bruno-Patrey to discuss the far-reaching effects of religious trauma on teens and how parents can help them navigate these challenges. Sarah shares her personal story of growing up within a religious youth program and the healing journey she experienced. If your teen is grappling with religious trauma or a crisis of faith, this episode will provide you with the tools to better understand and support them through these tough times. It’s a must-listen for parents looking to create an open, supportive environment for their teens, especially when faith and identity are involved.

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FULL TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Cam

As parents, we want nothing more than our teens to find their path in life. For many, religion offers a sense of belonging and purpose. But what happens when it leaves our teens feeling isolated, ashamed, or questioning everything they believe? Today, I'm joined by Sarah Bruno -Patri to talk about the impact of religious trauma on teens and what parents can do to support them. But before we dive in, I want to share that Sarah and I have known each other for years, and actually through church but I only recently heard about her experiences with this particular religious program, actually through TikTok, and talked to her and asked her if she would jump on, because I feel like it's really important for us parents to be aware of what's going on. So Sarah, welcome to the show. Thank you. So let's talk about, first of all, what was your experience because you did this as a teenager. So what was kind of the experience or the motive to go into this particular program and what was that program?

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (00:59.19)

Yeah, so I grew up obviously in the church and it was an amazing, beautiful experience. And I knew after I graduated high school that college was not like in the cards for me, at least immediately. And so my parents and I decided that I could take a gap year and they would foot the bill and I can just go find a program and go do that as long as I had a plan. And so I had been exposed to this organization called Youth with a Mission (https://ywam.org/> when I was actually in high school, I went with a couple of classmates to Kona, Hawaii, two summers in a row. And so I kind of had a sense of what this organization was. I knew that it wasn't exactly how I had grown up in the church. It was a little bit different with its theology and things like that. And I was like, it's okay, I'll put those things aside. And I decided to go to Australia. So I went to literally the farthest place that I could go from Washington DC. If you drilled a hole through the earth, it would come out in Perth, Australia, or at least around there. And I just wanted to get out of our town. And so that's where I went. And I was there for six months. I spent three months of it in Perth, Australia and three months of it in Asia.

 Dr. Cam (02:16.742)

At that time, and I know through the teen years, I know church paid a big and religion played a big part in your life. What kind of role was that playing for you or what kind of place was that filling for you?

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (02:31.094)

It was just like the big sense of community for me. I feel like going through school, like I had different friend groups, but then once I really found my community in my church and like other youth ministry organizations, it was like, these are my people. I had the support that I needed as a teenager and I had like the adults around me that I needed as a teenager because teenagers need a lot of adults. And so that was just like, I spent all my time with my religious community. And it was a great thing up until that point. It was like an amazing part of my life. So.

Dr. Cam (03:06.278)

That's what's really clear about this. We're not saying like religious groups are bad, you know, and we did. I mean, I was one of your youth leaders and it was an amazing experience. And we were able to really just connect and talk to kids on a lot deeper level. So then it went to this next phase. And I think one of the things the question is, how do we know when it is a healthy experience and when it becomes a toxic experience?

Tell us a little bit about your experience there and when did you actually realize it might not be the healthiest experience for you.

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (03:43.062)

Yeah, so like I said before, I kind of knew what I was getting into wasn't exactly like how I had been raised in the church. I knew that things would be a little bit different. But like for some reference of it, it's a six month initially to like join this organization. You have to do a six month program. The first three months that I was in Australia was the discipleship training school part of it. So it was like the lecture phase is what they called it. And so that was you're in a classroom all week.

And then you did the outreach, which was like the mission part. And it was pretty early on into it that I realized that this isn't, not only did I not like align with this in its theology, the things that I could kind of put aside, but just in like most aspects, it just wasn't a healthy organization. It was pretty like off the bat, a lot of comments about my faith and my spirituality growing up where I grew up that I didn't like see eye to eye was a lot bigger of a deal. And every week we had a topic and every Friday they called it like application Friday. So the first week was prayer. So we learned about prayer and then Friday we did something involving prayer like evangelism for example, we did Monday through Thursday we learned about evangelism on Friday we went out and evangelized. I think the big thing that sent sirens off in my head was the third week we did forgiveness and repentance. Where, you know, Monday through Thursday, we learned about sin and repentance and things that are biblical and good, like, you know, repenting from your sins, turning the other direction, walking away from it completely, things that are pretty standard. But then on Friday, when we had our application, we had to write a list of our sins down.

Dr. Cam (05:08.774)

Red flags, yes.

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (05:38.134)

Things that spanned from yoga, which I don't believe is a sin. I have never believed it was a sin. I remember like going on the phone with my pastor from home. I was like, is yoga really a sin? And he's like, no, that's a little ridiculous. Playing Dungeons and Dragons, things like that. Yeah, all the way to like sexual sin, things like that. We had to write a list and then on Friday morning, we started in the morning, we had to sit next to a speaker.

Dr. Cam (05:41.446)

Yoga! My goodness.

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (06:05.11)

We didn't really know in a classroom full of people that we've only known for a few weeks. And we actually combined with another classroom, so complete strangers at that point. And we had to sit up there, read our lists of sins, and then repent for it, ask for forgiveness from God. Again, things that are all biblical, if they're done correctly. So, you know, confessing to a friend, somebody you trust would be a very, like, good practice. But this was kind of distorted and sitting up there telling it to a group of people you didn't know, you didn't have like that relational currency with. Having to forgive for just crazy things and it lasted for 14 hours. We didn't, yeah, we didn't have, we missed our meals, everything. So that was when I was like, I'm not gonna just like sit here and do everything that they tell me to do. I am going to question some things and yeah, big red flags. they didn't like that. I didn't even want to participate in that particular activity. And I was kind of like getting the death stare from the leader at the time. He was standing right next to the door so he couldn't even like walk out. It's just a lot of very strategic things like that to kind of wear you down until you actually get up there and do it. And.

Dr. Cam (07:06.918)

How did that go over when you started to question things? No?

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (07:30.454)

the entire program I was questioning things and I was saying things that I believed about like even just topics like women in ministry, things like that. And it was always not reprimanded, like I would get in trouble, but it was definitely like, you need to just stop, like keep your mouth shut. Like this isn't your place, which I like to question things. So that is the question that I get a lot. And I think it's hard for people who look in from an outside perspective to understand why somebody would stay. But first of all, I was a teenager. I had built this up in my head of like, this is my gap year. I'm in Australia. I have this new sense of independence I didn't have at home. Not that my parents were strict looking back on it. Of course, I thought that they were the most strict people in the entire world. My parents had spent all this money, like I think like 10 grand for me to be there. I knew I could go home if I wanted to. My parents had the financial ability to get me home. I knew that, like that was just an option, but it also wasn't. They kind of made it seem like, well, everybody at home has moved on. You don't have a community at home anyways. I had friends there that couldn't get home financially for whatever reasons. I felt like I would be leaving them in the dust if I left. I also have a big sense of pride of like, I don't want to admit that this didn't go the way that I was expecting it to, the way that I had convinced my parents it would go. I think that's a hard lesson for any teenager to learn is to just swallow your pride if it means to keep yourself safe and, you know, but didn't do that. So, mm -hmm.

Dr. Cam (09:12.902)

You stayed and then did it ever, did you ever kind of change your idea about it or kind of warm up to what that experience was?

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (09:24.182)

Yes, it's like, it's a really weird, like, experience being there because it does become your entire world. And I knew that I wasn't seeing eye to eye with this organization as a whole. It had its issues, but these were like my friends now, my people. And I just kind of at some point was like, this is it. Like this is, I don't want to go to college still. Everybody at home. They've been telling that everybody at home has moved on they don't there will be nobody at home for me and we did have fun like there were some really fun parts and so it was just a lot of like you have tunnel vision while you're there and you're being love -bombed but also like Not you're also being worn down

Dr. Cam (10:14.054)

Sounds like a little bit of gaslighting too maybe.

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (10:17.174)

There's a lot of gaslighting, yeah. I would definitely agree with that.

Dr. Cam (10:21.702)

When you're talking to your parents about it, how are you selling what's going on down there?

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (10:28.758)

So my parents and I had kind of like a complicated relationship before I had left. We didn't have like a huge like, we weren't super close in the way that I could be like, my gosh, like this is how I'm feeling. It was mostly like, this is what we're doing. And like, here's my friend that I've made. Like we're having fun. And then I think once I went on outreach was where I realized that my parents weren't the enemy. And like I did need them more than I thought I did, because I had some pretty bad experiences while I was not only in Australia, which is like America just far away, but I was in rural parts of Nepal and Indonesia. And like there were instances where I was like, I really wish I had my mom right now. And we didn't have Wi -Fi. We didn't have, I went like weeks without being able to talk to them. And so we just didn't have a huge like open line of communication. Even when I was in Australia, it was a 13 hour time difference. So communicating was tough as it was, but.

Dr. Cam (11:31.078)

So they had you isolated in there. And so you, when you, so then you came, you did come home after six months. And how was that transition?

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (11:39.03)

Mm -hmm. It was really hard. They don't prepare you to come home. And I think that that is a little strategic. It was interesting seeing that, like, yeah, my friends, obviously their life doesn't stop while they're back at home. You know, a lot of them are still in high school. And then just coming in, being like the outsider all of a sudden, it kind of like reinforced, I need to go back. I need to go where people are familiar.

And so there was no preparation on either end. I don't think my parents knew that they would have to prepare me. I think it was just like, you're home, like going to college or something. Yeah, exactly. So it was tough. And then my community just in general kind of fell apart. And then that's when like I had a mentor be like, you should really just give college a shot, just go. And that was nice because

Dr. Cam (12:19.462)

What's the difference?

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (12:37.814)

everybody's starting over in college. Nobody has that sense of community that I thought I was going to have when I came home or that was back in Australia.

Dr. Cam (12:46.726)

Were you able to share with that mentor what had been going on? I know you said you really weren't comfortable sharing with your parents at that time, but were you able to share with your mentor?

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (12:55.35)

So I had been in communication with him and his wife, probably more than my parents at that point while I was over there. So they were kind of clued in on a lot of stuff that was happening already. And they were very skeptical of the organization already because they had family members that were in it before. And so they kind of knew, and I think they were able to kind of redirect me a little bit better than my parents did because they had no experience with it.

And so it was a little bit easier to share that. But I think a lot of it I didn't realize was even that wrong until I went to college and I started talking to friends and sharing stories and even talking to friends that I had back in Australia when they moved home and we kind of like decompressed together and deconstructed like our experience. And we're like, wow, that was like in hindsight, hindsight's always 20, 20. That was not a good thing, that was not okay, it wasn't healthy. So being able to do that together was nice too.

Dr. Cam (14:01.926)

How do you think that's impacted you now? Now that you're like realizing this was not a great situation, how is that kind of feeding into how you're interacting with the world or just your thoughts of yourself right now even?

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (14:17.398)

Yeah, I think it's really easy to like look back and be like, my gosh, I was so stupid to like keep going to stay and like, you know, I have people, my TikTok comments being like, why didn't you lie? Why didn't you leave? Why didn't you do that X, Y, and Z? And I have to like give myself some grace because I was 18 years old. Like I was very young and just, yeah.

Dr. Cam (14:44.55)

I want to help parents understand because this is a specific situation, but it is, it relates to a lot of situations because we've got this sense of needing to find a place to belong. Right. And so that is enormously important for all humans, but particularly for a teenager, right. Finding that, sense of not having a voice because you are a teenager. Even though you're disagreeing, not feeling like you have that ability to stand up and also kind of not having the connection you needed at the time with your parents to be able to say, hey, we've got to change this. So you're kind of, there's kind of the sense of isolation. So how can parents or what can your parents do? Is there anything they could have done differently at that point or what could have helped at that point. And this is not blaming your parents at all, not even remotely, but I think this is more, again, 2020 hindsight, right? This is more telling parents, hey, here's some things to look out for or here's some things we can do now to hopefully prevent this from happening.

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (15:44.502)

My parents did, I feel like, all the right things. They reached out to multiple people that had been in the organization. We had dinner with a family that their son had been a part of it for a while. And I think one of the things in hindsight is we got a lot of the male perspective from being in that organization, which I think going in as an 18 -year -old female is a lot different than a 20 -year -old male, you know? So just making sure, like, first of all, that is seeing eye to eye. Also, I think one thing that we could have done better was pinpointing why I wanted to go. For me, it wasn't so much the religious aspect that was just more convenient. It was the traveling. I wanted to get out. I wanted to travel. I wanted to be away from home. I think something that parents can do when kids come to them saying, I want to be a missionary or I want to be specifically in this organization is to be like, well, why do you want to do that? Do you want to travel? If so, there are so many organizations that you're able to travel. Because my parents would have never let me just go backpack through Europe by myself. Like that's just not, but there's different organizations. There's different ways to do that. If it is something where you want to serve, you want to volunteer, there's plenty of organizations that also do that.

Dr. Cam (17:07.91)

That sounds scary.

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (17:22.358)

that are great and reputable and I have a whole list of them that aren't YWAM that I could... But if it is a religious thing, I think what is really important is to first recognize that serving locally in your local church or even going and interning at a church in a different state. Doing something that is serving your local community is going to be a lot more helpful to those communities than a white person going to Nepal and being like, Jesus is amazing. I think that, yeah, exactly. I think like, I mean, there's a lot of issues and the whole mission aspect of it too. But I think pinpointing exactly why your child, your teen wants to go and do a gap year, because college isn't for everyone right off the bat. And then finding different ways, having options and being like, of course you can't, 

Dr. Cam (17:53.958)

We relate to you so well.

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (18:19.638)

At that point be like, you need to do this. I mean, you can, but if you want them to have the choice, you're like, here's your options, here's the pros and cons, and then go from there. Interview people, there's plenty of Facebook groups for different organizations. There's a lot that I'm in that are like survivors of YYM. So I think that that's probably a big red flag.

Dr. Cam (18:37.798)

Wow. Yeah, go research if there are a bunch of groups that are survivors of this, that might not be a good sign that that's the thing to do. When your mentor kind of talked you out of going back and going to school, what were some of the things that he said to you that parents might, because that's not an easy thing to do, especially if you've got that, like, I don't want to show that I was wrong.

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (18:42.55)

Exactly. Yeah.

Dr. Cam (19:07.014)

I want to be independent. I don't want to show that I made a bad choice, even though you had no idea. So what can parents do at that point to say, okay, it's okay, how do we move forward?

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (19:22.294)

Yeah, I think a big thing for me was college was very accessible and I know that that's not like the case for everybody. One of the points he made was like, well, you're not paying for it. Like just go, just try it. Like what's the worst that could happen? And just, he never made me feel like I made a wrong decision by going and that like what I did was wrong or that I should feel any type of shame about it. It was just like here's a different opportunity and like, what do you have to lose by at least trying? Like give it, he said, just give it a semester. It was like, I had a start and an end date of like giving this and I went into that college, like ready to prove him wrong and be like, I told you I don't like it. And like, this isn't for me. And the exact opposite is what happened, but having like just a different option. And I mean, I'm really stubborn. So even having just the challenge of like, give it a try, like what's the worst that could happen? So if you do go back, if you're just gonna go back six months later than you expected, what's the difference? Mm -hmm.

Dr. Cam (20:24.07)

Right, let's try something different. I think there's so many good points there because it's not about forcing you, it's not about shaming or pointing out what you did wrong. It is about going, okay, that was your choice, here's why you did it, let's try something else. And that end date, so it's like, let's just give it a try, a go. And it's not like you're stuck doing and committed to that. Because I think sometimes kids go, “If I try it, then I'm committed to it for how, four years. And now if I don't want to do it. So I like that that was kind of that approach. And how did your parents feel about that approach? I'm sure they were. Yeah. So the other thing is having mentors for your kid that you trust. absolutely. And the thing is, he had spent years building that relationship with you too. They were thrilled. They were so relieved. Well he was the only one that I would have listened to, honestly.

Dr. Cam (21:15.718)

That makes a big difference as well as having that opportunity and having other people around that you trust because parents aren't going to be the first person kids go to and for many of the same reasons you didn't is because you just don't want to show that you're wrong because you're trying to be independent. And that's a hard thing to do. What are some signs that parents might be able to look for that you think that their kids are in an unhealthy situation.

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (21:48.374)

Yeah, I think just like distance communication is a big thing. Like I said, like my parents and I weren't super close at this point. So like that wasn't probably wasn't the biggest red flag to them that I wasn't talking to them every day. But also just if everything seems like rainbow and sunshine, like maybe it is, but maybe it's not. And just like asking questions to not just like, like what have you been doing? But like, what have you been doing? And like, how did that not make you feel, because what teenager is going to love that question? But how is that experience for you? Asking about the relationships that they're making, their interactions with leadership, I think is a big thing too. I was having really awful interactions with leadership and not even to fault them because looking back on it, they were 21, 22, 23. I can't, yeah, exactly. And this has been their entire life too.  

Dr. Cam (22:40.006)

Doing what they were told.

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (22:45.782)

But interactions with leadership and just like, how are you, you know, like how are they interacting with you? How are you interacting with them? How is that making you feel? Like, do you feel safe? There's a lot of times where I was like, we weren't even in a safe location, like to even live, which I think if my dad had seen where I was living, he would have been very upset.  

Dr. Cam (23:10.406)

Was there anything they could have said or done to have forced you back?

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (23:16.086)

I don't know, honestly, that's a good question. Maybe if they had like physically come get me, or been like bribed me somehow with like, you know, you can, we can go on a trip to Europe, I don't know. But, mm -hmm.

Dr. Cam (23:22.182)

Then you might have resented it or still not come to that conclusion yourself that this wasn't a good situation. And so you would have still thought that was a good decision or a good break. So I think you going through, which is hard for parents to see, but you going through this and figuring this out seems to be what really got you through this. And you got through it.

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (23:38.23)

Exactly. I did. And it's been like a long time deconstructing all of it, but like I do think that I have like a better sense of self because of it. So it's a hard thing to like look back on too, because yeah, I don't think that there was much my parents could have done. I think that there are ways that I could have been supported when I got home a little bit better, but teenagers sometimes are just gonna have to figure things out by themselves. I was definitely that type of teenager. So. Yes.

Dr. Cam (24:27.078)

There's a lot of that type of teenager and it's very frustrating for parents, but I think it's really important to realize that our kids are going to make decisions. Some of them are going to really scare us and just stay supporting them because your parents did not say, forget it. That's the wrong thing. You're on your own. Like they stayed there. Finding that mentor that can help talk some sense into them is really big. Just staying there and supporting your kids. Because now your relationship with your parents, how is that relationship now? Yeah. Yeah.

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (25:03.894)

It's great. It's fantastic. And I still, I talk to my mom sometimes about like what had gone on. I think a lot of it, my husband also did the same program, which is how we met. We didn't meet while we're in the program. He did his in South Africa, like about a year later, but we were introduced to each other because of it. He had a much different experience than me. Again, I think the male experience is different. But having people and like, I don't know, jus finding people that you can talk to about it. That might not be your parents, but having parents support you and finding that too is really good.

Dr. Cam (25:40.038)

That's great. And I will attest, your mom's pretty awesome. So, she's pretty cool. So, I think that's a big thing too. Like, I can't imagine it wasn't that she did something wrong or you did anything wrong. It was just a situation where it seemed right in the moment and it turned out not so right. And you got through and I love that. So, that's really what I wanted to share with parents because I think it's just important for us to know because there's so much fear around what our kids are doing. And I think sometimes we gotta let them do it anyway, but being there and kind of having that support system there to help them through it is really good. Because I don't see how this could have been prevented.

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (26:26.39)

Yeah, no, I know, because I feel like we definitely did all the right things going into it. I think just, yeah, like reiterating to your team that home, like it's okay to come home if you need to. It's okay to stay if that's what you think you need to do, but like there's nothing wrong with saying, this isn't for me, I'm gonna come home, I'm gonna try something else. And I think that goes along with like having options I think maybe one thing that would have gotten me home was like, having the option to go do something else. Like, whether that was like a volunteer trip or just traveling or whatever. Just like having options and being like, it's okay, there's no need to feel shame about your experience or anything like that. We don't even have to talk about it immediately when you get home. Counseling is a great option, but just having that support while they're there, which might be the last thing that they want to hear in the moment, but it does probably get through to them a little bit more than you would think.

Dr. Cam (27:24.582)

That's great. Sarah, thank you for jumping on and sharing your story. I really appreciate it.

Sarah Bruno-Patrey (27:27.318)

Of course

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Is setting boundaries with your teen, especially around technology and social life, feeling like an endless battle? What if there was a way to establish clear expectations for screen time, curfews, and other hot-button issues without the yelling and power struggles?

In this episode, Dr. Cam Caswell is joined by Tia Slightham, a teacher, entrepreneur, bestselling author, and, most importantly, a mom, who truly understands the challenges parents face. Tia shares proven strategies from her "Parenting With Purpose Method" to help parents achieve peaceful communication and cooperation with their teenagers. Together, they dive into setting clear expectations and boundaries in ways that promote mutual respect—no drama required. If you’re looking to strengthen your connection with your teen while navigating tough issues, this episode is for you!

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FULL TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Cam  

Hey parents, is setting and keeping boundaries with your teen a constant battle, especially around technology and social life? You're not alone. But what if there was a way to establish clear expectations for screen time, curfews, and other hot button issues without the yelling and power struggles? That's what we're talking about in today's episode. I'm joined by a leading parenting expert, Tia Slightham. Tia, a teacher, entrepreneur, bestselling author, and most importantly, a mom, understands the challenges parents face.

She's going to share some proven strategies from our parenting with purpose method to help you achieve peaceful communication and cooperation from your teenager. Tia, welcome to the show.

Tia Slightham (00:41.153)

Thanks for having me, yeah, mom of teens, so I definitely get it.

Dr. Cam (00:44.022)

Woohoo! Yes, me too. So we live this every single day. I think it's important to know what people are going through. Not at all. So Tia, what inspired you to become a parenting coach?

Tia Slightham (00:48.545)

Thank you. Yeah, and they're not alone. They're definitely not alone. I know, people ask me this all the time and it's so funny because we're talking to our teen boys right now who are 15 and almost 13. You know, what are you interested in? What do you want to be when you grow up? And to be honest, a lot of times we just don't know what we want to be when we grow up. And so when I was younger, I knew I always wanted to work with kids. I used to take my cabbage patch doll to the movie theater and feed it and burp it and need to leave the movie to go change it. My mom would have to get up with me so I could change the diaper. I mean, I was serious. I was dead serious about being a mom and working with kids. I just always loved kids. And so I started my journey as a kindergarten teacher. I had my master's in early childhood education and I absolutely loved it. I loved all those little five -year -olds and a lot of people hated being kindergarten teachers, but I loved it. And as time went on, I never knew that I would fall into this parent coaching role. It just happened. I ended up having kids of my own. I met my husband. I'm from the States. He's from Canada.

I moved to Canada, I wasn't legal to work, so I could no longer teach, and then I ended up becoming a mom, and again was fascinated by the fact that I loved being a mom. I loved the baby stage, I loved the toddler stage, but those around me, just like the kindergarten teachers, were struggling. They didn't love it. They were exhausted, their kids weren't sleeping, there were tantrums and meltdowns, and everything felt really hard. And I really reflected on why classrooms fantastic year after year and why are my two boys so great to be around? What am I doing that other people aren't doing? And that's when I really realized parenting is so much a skill set and not something that's intuitive and you're not supposed to have it figured out. And if you don't have it figured out, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up, but you are capable of learning the skills. And I just became super passionate and I built my business and I love what I get to do every day.

Dr. Cam (02:53.462)

It's so important to realize it is a skill set and just because we don't have them now doesn't mean we can't get them. And guess what? Raising a teenager is a whole new skill set. It is not. The skills we used and developed earlier on don't work anymore. In fact, they backfire. And so now we got a whole new skill set to develop.

Tia Slightham (03:15.777)

Yeah, it's really understanding. I always say to parents why the behaviors are happening in the first place, whether they're toddlers or teens. If you don't know why they're back talking, why they're pushing back, why they're resentful or in revenge mode, and you're just trying to force them to stop doing those things instead of going to the root of the why, it doesn't matter the age of your child, you're always going to struggle. So learning that skill set to understand why is so critical.

Dr. Cam (03:44.15)

Tia, let's get into this because I mean, I work with parents as well and it seems so easy to say to do that. And yet I see time and again, parents, even after we've had a whole conversation about it, fall right back into the blaming their kid, you need to do this, that attitude is bad, that's not okay, you just need to stop. And it just escalates so quickly.

How do we change our mindset from a, I don't accept that behavior from my kid, that's not okay, I just have to put an end to it, to a, I need to understand this behavior if I'm actually going to find a solution to stop it.

Tia Slightham (04:26.145)

I was actually just doing a training before this and we were talking about the idea that insanity, the definition is doing the same thing over and over, but it not working and not getting any different results. That's parenting. Literally we're just parenting, doing the same things over and over, hoping our kids are gonna change.

Dr. Cam (04:36.534)

Yeah, that's also parenting. We do. Getting mad at them for not changing even.  

Tia Slightham (04:47.905)

Yes, and saying, I told you 92 times, you obviously speak English, we're both logical here, you know better, but they still don't do what you ask them to do. And what I always say to parents is that it's not about that simple tip or trick that you listen to on a podcast or a video or YouTube or in a parenting book. It's all the pieces of the puzzle. And so when we say, we go to bed at night in tears, tomorrow I'm not gonna yell, tomorrow I'm gonna be calm, tomorrow I'm gonna show up and really respond to my kids without reaction. You mean that, you want that, but it's not possible to do without all the pieces of the puzzle. And so inside, when I work with parents inside my coaching program, I've developed a system known as the behavior needs roadmap. And this is BNR for short, but it's helping parents differentiate and determine have I met the needs for my kids from a basic standpoint of sleep, nutrition, security, transitions? Have I met the needs from an emotional standpoint? Are my kids power and attention buckets or cups full each and every day? Do I know how to do that? And most importantly in the third box, do I have the skills needed to parent with discipline and not punishment? So, I know it's such a big one.

Dr. Cam (06:07.094)

People struggle between even separating those two. I think we all, consequences too, like I feel like consequences is now this new word that we use to say we're not punishing it, but it's punishment. Let's be real, because we only do negative consequences. So it's another form of punishment.

Tia Slightham (06:23.137)

Yeah, if you don't know how to set them up properly, for sure you're falling back into the punishment trap.

Dr. Cam (06:28.342)

This is one of the biggest challenges. And I know when you go into these different areas, and I think one of the struggles that we have is when our kids become teenagers, what fills their power and need and behavior buckets is very, very different than it was when they were little. And we keep trying to do what we did when they were little and don't understand why they're getting angry and upset and not listening and ignoring us and talking back and giving a slip and that's not okay. So how do we establish boundaries if we're not punishing them when they break them?

Tia Slightham (07:10.881)

So the idea is that we want to teach our kids to do better next time. And we actually have to teach our kids how to do better next time. We want to stop the unwanted behavior. All those things are facts. But the challenge is typically our child has an unwanted behavior and our mindset and our paradigm is do something wrong, you need to suffer. Do something wrong, you need to learn a hard lesson. And a lot of that's because that's how we were raised and we don't know any different.

But if we really step back and we say to ourselves, has there ever been a time in your life where another adult, a boss or a partner or a friend yelled and screamed at you or got mad at you or threatened you and you stood up and were like, yeah, you know what? Tomorrow I'm going to do better. I'm going to change.

Dr. Cam (07:54.23)

I feel so motivated and I love that boss so much. I respect that boss so much. No. Yeah.

Tia Slightham (07:58.753)

Yeah, I want to really do well. Yeah, we don't we say screw you. I don't like you. You're an awful person. I don't want to be around you. And now that's what we're doing with our parenting to our kids. We're yelling and we're demanding and we're overpowering. And then we want them to show up and do better, but we're not actually setting them up to do better. And we're not teaching them any skills to do better. So the key is that when we set boundaries and this is a tricky thing for parents too. We usually say boundaries, we don't set boundaries and when we say boundaries we've repeated ourselves 92 times and yes they speak English and yes maybe they heard us one of the 92 times but we're not setting boundaries and in order to set boundaries in a way that's not punishment so that we're having mutual respect is to do everything in advance.

So the idea isn't that your kids come home and you just now get to say, you do your homework or you're not gonna have any TV time. That's you calling all the shots. That's you overpowering your kids and your kids saying, screw you. But if in advance you set a boundary and I think about it as three key parts. One, identify what your boundaries are. Like what do you really want that situation to look like? What do you need your kids to do from start to finish and lay those out, bring your kids on board, especially with teens and older kids, you know, sitting down with them and saying, hey, I need you to come in the door and we need to do homework first before we move to our devices. So how much time do you think you need? 30 minutes or 40 minutes? 40 minutes or an hour? Like give your kids some power, give them some control. Sit down with them, have a conversation, lay out the plan and teach, train and practice for number two. And I know sometimes parents are like, well, my teens don't really need to practice. My teens understand what I'm saying.

When I say teach, train and practice, I mean, you've got to pretend like they don't speak your language. Like they're coming from another country and you've got a foreign exchange student and you're going to walk through that plan because otherwise your boundaries are in your mind. They're not on the table and you're expecting your kids to do what you want them to do without really showing them. And then the third part for boundary setting is what is your follow through when they don't do that plan what happens when you set it up that way. What we've done is we've said, great, we've got a plan. We're on the same team. We're on the same page. When you do X, Y can be the outcome, which you love. Or when you choose not to do X, Y is not available, but it's totally in your court. You get to decide. Now it's not us saying, well, you didn't do your homework. You don't get this. We actually have a plan in place and we're giving our kids autonomy and power and independence to do what feels good so they like the outcome versus not.

Dr. Cam (10:50.582)

There's so much important stuff about this and it sounds very logical hearing it. And I think what happens is people go, okay, and then they go home and they're like, I don't understand. So let's walk some like, walk through some very common situations where parents struggle to establish and even more so enforce or maintain boundaries. So a big one is using the phone, particularly with teenagers using the phone at night or too much. How do we set a boundary around the phone where we're not going to have a power struggle and fight every single night?

Tia Slightham (11:32.065)

So yes, we have to talk about that. But before we even get into that, we have to remind ourselves if we haven't learned how to avoid the punishments and we're still yelling and taking things away and engaging in power struggles and trying to over control your child, when you go to set that boundary, they're not gonna wanna follow through for you. They're not gonna wanna respect you. And so that's where all the pieces of the puzzle are so critical and looking at that behavior needs roadmap to set your child up for success so they can cooperate in those moments is critical. So if you take what we're talking about today, if you're listening and you try and implement and you're like, but it didn't really work the way I wanted it to work, ask yourself, do I feel like I'm still punishing? Am I still engaging in power struggles? Because then that's where we wanna dig deeper and do some work. Surface implementations are tricky if we don't have those root things resolved, okay? 

Yeah. And people will often go, I tried it once, it didn't work. So I'm going back to the way that I've been doing it for years. That doesn't work. And it's been making things worse. So I think it's not going to likely work the first time for multiple reasons. First of all, you're still developing the skill, so you're not great at it. And second of all, your teen also has habits that need to break and they're used to it. And they have to trust you. They have to trust you. And right now they don't. They don't trust you because maybe you live in what we call the gray zone, where sometimes you give in and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you yell and sometimes you don't. Sometimes you're patient, sometimes you're not. And so our kids have a hard time trusting us. And because they're born with those two predetermined jobs to please you and to push boundaries until boundaries are found, if you're in the gray zone and you're inconsistent with your boundaries, of course, you're not going to be able to do that they're pushing you and pushing you. So it takes time to keep setting and setting boundaries consistently so we can build that trust back.

Dr. Cam (13:26.518)

What's important here too, and what I think is very different with teenagers as well is those boundaries, we have to be very, very clear, even to ourselves, because all us parents, and they can't explain why that boundary is there at all. I'm like, well, if you can explain it, how are you teaching your teen why that's a necessary boundary? And now they don't trust you because they don't understand why that boundary just feels like control, nothing else.

We need to be clear and we also need to continuously adapt as our kids shows, I'm okay in this boundary because we're learning them. So let's go now, we've laid out that. So now let's go. Our teen, we have told them over and over again, do not use your phone at night. And it is either I take it away and they get really upset or I don't take it away and they look at it all night long. How do I establish this boundary without a fight every night?

Tia Slightham (14:21.409)

Yeah, so we're going to go back to that three step plan and let's like put that in play. So we need to identify, we call it three C's boundaries. So yes, you mentioned it being very clear. We call it concrete, clear and consistent. What are those three C's boundaries that we need our kids to follow? So I use my own kids for an example, 15 and almost 13. My fifth, they're both into Snapchat and all the things and they want to be on their phone and I want them to socialize and I want them to be able to create their own social plans. And I think all of that is positive when we have boundaries around it. And so in our house, our boundaries that are concrete, clear and consistent are, you know, I know where each of them plug their phones in at night and where that is out of their rooms downstairs. I need their iPads and their computers, invisible site the top of the stairs so that I'm not searching for them and when I see them sitting there and the phones are plugged in, we're good. We've got our plan in place. I don't want any devices in their rooms after a certain time. My 15 year old has a different time than my almost 13 year old. We've sat down, we've had the conversations about where those devices need to go, what time those devices need to come out, that I'm not going to give reminders for the devices. If I just don't see it at the top of the stairs, I'm not searching for it. That means I'm assuming it's in your room.

So we're really putting the control on our kids to say, do I have the self -management skills to put the things where they need to go? Can I handle these devices? Can I handle having boundaries around these devices? And then letting them know in advance what will happen when those devices aren't in those right spots. Or you come out of your room 10 minutes later than we talked about that it's an automatic, this is what will happen, we don't even need to talk about it because they know and I know. This is where you decrease the yelling and the anger and the you're taking things away from me, you're trying to control me. When you set it up like this, because it's now, shoot, you're right, I did come out of my room 10 minutes late. Shoot, you're right, I didn't plug my phone in. Instead of you doing everything to your kids, they're making choices for themselves. And then for us, our follow through is that when those things don't follow through, then the next day, we're a tech -free day. You can take your computer to school for when you need it, but you know what? I'll keep your phone for the day. It's a want to have, it's not a need to have. I know you love it, but it'll just be mine for the day and we'll reset. If parents are really struggling, their kids are like, well, I don't care if I lose it for a day. And we have to really think about what they're motivated by. If your kids, most of them are motivated by device and not to have it for a day is a bummer. But if they're not then you need to look at what their true motivation is when you set up your follow through or your positive discipline consequence. Does that make sense?

Dr. Cam (17:10.998)

Completely. And I think the other thing, and I want to get your opinion on this because I think one of the things I see that happens a lot is when we set that boundary up or that rule up, we set it up based on our perspective and our need and our solution. And especially when kids are older, if we're not taking into account their needs and they're a solution that actually works for them, a lot of times our solutions are counter to what their needs are, they're not, they're going to have a fit. They're not going to listen. And then it sounds like, this kid's a pain in the butt and he just wants what he wants. But he does want what he wants. We all want what we want. But if he's getting that upset, he's not getting something really important. It could be, yes, the phone, but what is it about the phone that's so important? And we need to understand that, right?

Tia Slightham (18:05.569)

Yeah, we have to see things from their perspective. And that's where I say involve your kids in your conversations when you're setting the boundaries. So my kids have always gone to bed early and way earlier than all their friends because I know how important sleep is. And I know that they show up and they listen and they cooperate and they do well at school and they feel better when they get to sleep. And a lot of times our teens don't think they need sleep. But if you're waking your kids up every single morning for school and dragging them out of bed they are not getting enough sleep and a lot of your power struggles are stemming from that need not being met on that roadmap. So a lot of times what happens is we are, we're setting boundaries for what our kids need, because we actually do, I mean, I hate to say it, but we know a little bit more than them, but it's not maybe what they want. And so when we think about what they want versus what they need. That's where we need to meet them in the middle a little bit. And that's where communication is key. And if we're really engaging in power struggles and anger with our teens, they're not gonna wanna open up to you. They're gonna feel overpowered or they're gonna be in trouble or you're gonna take something away. So if I look at Hudson, who's my 15 year old and we talk about what happened with their early bedtimes, he came to me and he said, mommy, I am, he still calls me mommy though, but mommy, I am 15 and I think I could stay up a little bit later.

I think I could and I don't want to sneak my device, but I do want to stay up a little bit later. What do you think? And I thought, you know what? Thank you for coming to me. Let's talk about it. What, what do you think? I think, why don't you, you know, bring your device out around 10 or 1015. You decide some nights we might have to do it earlier if we've had some big function happening, but for the most part that should work. And as long as it's out on the landing at 10 or 1015, let's do that. Does that feel good? Yeah, I like that. Okay, great.

So little brother doesn't know that's happening. He goes to bed, he's fine. And big brother gets to have that independence and autonomy. But I had to think about, yeah, he does want to stay up a little later. He can manage that. And I want him to know he can come to me and I'm going to work with him within reason. Now the conversation was, if we start to see, you know, spiral in schoolwork, you're feeling exhausted, you're really irritable and moody and you can't really handle it.

We might need to back it back up. So these are the things I'm looking for. So he knew it's worked out great. It's been fantastic. He feels heard. I feel seen. Everybody's happy.

Dr. Cam (20:29.174)

It's important that we're including the kids in this. And I know there is still people holding very strongly to kind of the beliefs of what were when we were younger. Like, I'm the parent, I'm the authority, I don't need to deal with whatever you have to say is not important. I know best, I'm just gonna take it. It's okay to do that if you are okay with the fact that you're not gonna have a connection, they're gonna fight back, and you're not gonna actually teach them any skills. That's fine, like go for it. But I think it's really important to realize we know now because we've evolved, just like physical health and everything else, we've learned so much more on how to take care of ourselves and how much better to interact with our kids to teach them the skills.

I want to throw that out there because I know there's people that are just not even open to it and it's going to take time. But one of the things I think parents really struggle with with this when it comes to boundaries is that line between being like the authority and this is it and just listen to me and being passive and just going, okay, whatever you need, we're just going to listen to you. And we kind of...

pendulum swing between the two and neither work well. How do we find this middle? What does a boundary look like in the middle?

Tia Slightham (21:57.601)

So we're kind of we're stuck in what we call either being the overpowering tiger where your kids need to listen to you because you said so or the wet doormat where your kids just walk all over you and you're right neither of them work and then we want to get to that positive discipline parent where we have mutual respect and so the boundary looks like we talked about in advance, bringing your kids on board, having conversations with them, hearing out what they need, what their wants are, meeting them in the middle where it makes sense, building that open line of communication so you're not just saying it's this way or the highway, but really bringing them on board. And I think what happens is parents are afraid to bring their kids on board because they're afraid they're going to lose control. But what we don't realize is we've already lost control if you're yelling and screaming and trying to force your kids.

Dr. Cam (22:51.098)

And like you said, we're not actually teaching them any skills or we're teaching even worse, we're teaching them the skill of here's how you get what you get your way. You yell and scream until we give in. And that is not a great skill to take out into the world. Like that's what we're teaching.

Tia Slightham (23:09.185)

Yeah, and if you think about Hudson with his iPad, there were a lot of skills that were taught. He was taught that when he does the things that we talk about and we build trust, he gets more independence, he gets more freedom, more time on his phone, that he's managing the clock and watching that on his own, even if he's in the middle of something that he's enjoying, that he can have that freedom. He's learning that when I choose not to do that Gosh, things don't work out the way that I want them to work out, but when I make a better choice, it does. Whereas if you just yell and scream and take the device and say, that's it, you're done, I've already asked you 92 times to get off of it, we actually didn't teach any of those things.

Dr. Cam (23:47.878)

Right. And we actually just made them want it more. So now it's just become an even more desirable thing and we've become the enemy. So I think...

Tia Slightham (23:57.633)

And part of them wanting it more is the fact that they're looking for something and someone to bond and connect with. And with teens, I know as a teen mom, it's very scary, the internet and phones, and they're talking to people from all over in different schools. And the idea is that if we don't build a strong bonding connection with our kids where they feel like they trust us and they can lean on us and they're not afraid of us they're gonna look for that in other places that are not healthy places. And so I think our kids who are so addicted to phones, it's because they're missing a really strong bond and connection with their parents. And I know a lot of parents are probably saying right now, well, my teen wants nothing to do with me. My teen doesn't wanna talk to me. They don't like me. They say they hate me. They want to connect with you so desperately, but they don't know how. And as parents, we have to say, I'm not gonna wait around for my teen to figure out how to make this right. They are the child. I need to figure out how to make this right.

Dr. Cam (24:58.422)

We know nothing else works without connection and trust. It just doesn't. Like you know, it does not work without it. And trust is not something you can say, hey kid, trust me. That does not work. I've never seen that work, nor respect. Fear and respect, not the same thing, right? Trust and respect is something that you earn and grow over time. And how we do that is by trusting and respecting them which a lot of parents just don't feel comfortable doing. So explain to me a little bit on how do you start building that trust with a kid that right now wants nothing to do with you and has no trust in you and you do not trust anything they say or do either. Because I hear this a lot.

Tia Slightham (25:51.713)

Hmm. Yeah. So we have to start small and we have to remove the pressure. So a lot of times what we think is that we talk about how our kids need to be connected to us, but more so than anything, we also really need to be connected to our kids. Parents feel so down and sad and regretful and shame and empty when you don't feel like you have a relationship with your kids. So as much as they need us, we also need them. And so we have to remember, look at the whole picture and say, gosh, we've been in this combative state. Like I wouldn't want to hang out with me either. Like I wouldn't want to really be my friend right now either. So how can I dip my toe back in and sort of open things up with them? So we've got to get to a place where I always say to parents, start working on one area. So if you're going to start setting boundaries, choose one area. It's morning routines, it's devices. Maybe it's coming home from school and your homework routines. You're not going to fix everything at once or not ripping the carpet out. So choose one area that you might want to focus on when you start to build those boundaries, but at the same time, build your relationship. So what I mean is we do what's called golden time. It's like a five ingredient formula and every, you know, psychologist and doctor and teacher and parenting expert does some sort of form of this where they want you to spend quality time with your kids. I mean, it makes perfect sense. So I want you just to carve out, even if it's five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes. where you show interest in your teenager. And that interest might be where you say, can you show me, let's do that TikTok dance together. Like I'm terrible at those things. My rhythm is not what my 13 year olds is. But you know what? It's pretty fun to sit down and do it together and they giggle with you and they laugh at you. It might be, hey, let me play that NASCAR game with you and show me, how do I even use this remote? Show interest in what they're interested in because most of the time what they think is the things they like are the things we hate, the things we don't want them on, the things we don't want them to do. And so they feel no connection or sort of a sense of alignment with us. So I want you to think about engaging with them in something that they're interested in. They will be so pleased to see that you are interested in something they're interested in.

Dr. Cam (28:10.294)

There are several points I just want to reiterate because it's so important. The first one is they do want to connect with you. I mean, years and years and years of talking to teens, every single one wants a connection with their parent, but not in the way that we're insisting we have it. I think that's part of it is that they want a connection with us in a real authentic connection, not in a mom and dad define what we do, what it looks like, how I have to act, when you define everything and it's a controlled situation that fits your needs, your kid wants nothing to do with it. So if you want to connect with your teen exactly what you said, be interested in what they're interested in. It is like magic. Magic. my gosh.

Tia Slightham (28:57.473)

their eyes will light up. They will look at you like you have nine heads. Like, what? you're interested in this?

Dr. Cam (29:04.918)

It's so fun and I love talking to teens and you just kind of throw out different ideas and just see what lights them up. It's just like you said, it's like throw a few things out and you'll see because they'll latch onto it and then they can just go when you find the right thing.

Tia Slightham (29:17.441)

Hmm, something as simple as would you like to walk to Starbucks? You know, like it's amazing the conversations I have when I take the dog and I invite one of my kids and say, let's walk to ice cream or walk to Starbucks. Like maybe it's, maybe it's ice cream. If they're not interested in Starbucks, most of the kids are like, yeah, let's go do that. but we've got to get to a place where they feel like when they go for that walk, it's not going to be your opportunity to corner them into all the things they're doing wrong, but it's just a free flowing conversation and once you start, a lot of times people will say, well, my teens shut down. My teens won't open up. My teens don't want to talk, but we're not giving them the right place and time and environment to allow them to open up. Last night we were at dinner, the four of us and both my boys are really getting into the girls and the dating and this is a whole new world for me. So I brought up with my younger one, how so and so doing? And he said, well,

I actually want to talk to you when you tuck me in tonight because we have really good chats then and I said, is it kind of private? And he said, yeah. And I said, okay, let's talk about it then. I thought how amazing that he knows what time of day is going to be a time that he can kind of off leash his thoughts and his feelings and come to me for advice and an ear to listen. And so it might be car rides for some kids. I always say before bed is a great time. My kids love their backs scratched. I lay down and scratch their back. We talk for a few minutes. It's not a, I'm not singing songs anymore and I'm not reading fairy tales. I wish I was, but we're scratching backs and we're talking, but they know that there's times on the walk or before bed that it's going to be a one -on -one opportunity for them to feel safe. And I think as parents, we need to carve out those times, whether you have younger kids or teens so your kids know that you're available and that you really want to be with them.

Dr. Cam (31:08.374)

Yeah, this requires a lot of patience because parents may listen and go, okay, today I'm going to invite them to Starbucks and this is going to be great. Chances are great that they might say no, that if they even said yes, they're not going to say a word to you. That is okay. You've made the first step. Keep inviting them. Keep having really teeny short little blips of conversations where it doesn't go south fast. Right?

Tia Slightham (31:20.641)

Yes And don't make it personal when they shut you down.

Dr. Cam (31:39.894)

No, not at all. Not at all. And I think that's what's really hard too, is it's very, very difficult for us to not take it personally. We're like, my gosh, what it... And it is, it's a matter of they are very concerned about our judgment. They are very concerned about getting our approval or not getting it. And so it's easier just to not do anything than to risk getting a disappointed look or lecture. And I think we get stuck there a lot.

Tia Slightham (32:10.145)

Yeah, and when you start, if they take an inch and they come in and they allow you to go for that walk or they just remind yourself that just listening is like the best thing you can do in that moment. You don't have to give your opinion. You don't need to come in hard and strong. Just listen. And it's amazing what they'll start to open up with when you just keep trying, pressure free, keep inviting, keep carving out time and keep your ears open.

Dr. Cam (32:40.406)

I want to circle this back to the boundaries and the power struggles and just be very help people tie what we're talking about to that. The whole point of this is when we have those trusting, respectful relationships with our kids and we set boundaries with them for their safety and we're clear with them, they don't fight back to that point. They may say, I disagree and can we listen and you talk about it and you figure it out, but you don't have those knockout, drag down power struggles anymore because they trust you. So building those relationships, that is what removes the need for the power struggles and the need for the frustration. They're not listening to me.

Tia Slightham (33:35.329)

Because deep down the why behind the behavior, why they're power struggling so much is those power and attention needs, that relationship, that bond is not met. Or our parenting is inconsistent and we're gray. Or we're giving in sometimes, or we're yelling, or we're overpowering. So all of those little pieces are why they give you such a hard time when you try and set a boundary. And when we can start to build that relationship and that trust, they're not doing it to get back at you anymore. It no longer becomes about you and your child. It becomes about the phone or the homework or the issue that you're dealing with. Whereas right now, for most parents, it's about you two instead of the actual issue itself.

Dr. Cam (34:20.598)

Yeah, it really is because when that's taken care of and the thing is, you're still going to have issues. Kids are still going to have, do things that you're like, that was not a good decision. You're still going to disagree with things. The thing is when you have that foundation, it's not that big a deal. Like you deal with it, you connect over it, you talk about it, you move through it and you're done with it and you're more connected before. And the two of us are both

parents of teenagers and so we're speaking from actual experience. Like this is how we live. Like I do not have power struggles with my teenager, but she is extremely respectful and responsible and participates in the house and does all the things with no arguing.

Tia Slightham (35:10.273)

because you're meeting all those needs and you're starting that relationship. We were driving to school the other day and I said to the boys, I'm just gonna lay it out for you guys, just so you know. You're teenagers, which means you're gonna make a lot of really stupid decisions. I know it. Like I did it, I was a teenager. I know. I said my job is to help you make the smartest of the bad decisions, the smartest of the stupid decisions.

Dr. Cam (35:11.702)

because we are very connected and she trusts me. I still do Tia. I still make dumbest decisions.

Tia Slightham (35:39.585)

So when I'm talking to you about things, it's only so that I can help you because your logical brain, you're not developed to where you're gonna be and as adults, we're still learning. So think about where you're at. But I just want you to know that I'm not here to make you feel badly about your decisions. I'm not here to make you feel badly about your mistakes. I just wanna help you learn from them because there's gonna be a lot of bad decisions, because that's what happens as we're growing up. It's how you learn. But I think having our kids know that is also important because a lot of times our teens in particular really fear letting us down. They fear getting in trouble. They fear that they can't please us in any way because we're always so angry with them. And I think that goes back to that connection and trust, but it's also connected like a giant spider web.

Dr. Cam (36:13.718)

Yeah, it really is. And I think starting right there with if you are constantly angry at your teenager, that's the place you need to start because you need to think through that anger because approaching your child in anger or viewing everything they do through that lens of anger will not build a connection because now you have this big barrier up and you just can't, you can't see through it. And that is so incredibly hard to do. None of this is easy. It is worthwhile though. my gosh, it is so worthwhile for you and for your kid. So Tia, what is like one big takeaway that you want parents to walk away with from this episode?

Tia Slightham (37:03.009)

Yep, absolutely. That it's never too late. And so often we say, well, my child's a preteen or a teen and there's no way we're gonna be able to make changes. I've already damaged my child. I've already created too much trauma. Our relationship's already shot and everything is fixable and it's never too late. And if your child is 16, 17, 18, they're still only been in this world 16, 17, 18 years. They're still little. They still have so much life to live. And if you want to build that relationship with your kids, you can turn things around with the skill set, with the tools, with the foundations.

Dr. Cam (37:47.478)

Yeah, one of the fastest ways to do that is to apologize. Because if we just say, hey, I, looking back, I'm not thrilled with the way I handled this. I know that we caused, I caused some chaos and some conflict and I, it's not the best. Because when we do that, sometimes the kids hold grudges for so long because they just are waiting for that one word, two words, I'm sorry. That's all they need to hear and all of a sudden so much of it can be pushed in the past and we can move forward if we're willing to look at that. I think that's it.

Tia Slightham (38:22.849)

Yeah, and that repair piece is so important. But one of the pieces that I really want to emphasize to parents is you can apologize and repair, but then what we want to role model with that is that we're going to do something different next time. Because a lot of times we say sorry for yelling and exploding, but the next day we just yell and explode again. So again, we lose trust because our apology is kind of meaningless.

Dr. Cam (38:43.126)

We do it again.

Tia Slightham (38:48.353)

So if you're really wanting to make changes, you do want to apologize and take ownership to your actions and your behaviors. But then you need to say to your kids, but hey, I'm working with a psychologist or a coach or I'm taking this program because I actually want to learn how to do things differently because I want to be the parent here. And it's not your responsibility, it's mine. But that takes learning the skills and it's not something you can just go to bed at night and say tomorrow will be better. You have to actually get guidance.

Dr. Cam (39:07.926)

Yeah, it is like any other task or job or anything we do, we need to learn it to get better at it and practice it to get better at it. Tia, how do people find you?

Tia Slightham (39:29.665)

gosh, I would say Instagram's probably the easiest place. I'm at Tia Parenting Coach and there's tons of videos and trainings and support there. And they can definitely DM me from there or they're welcome to go to my website, tiaslitem .com.

Dr. Cam (39:45.43)

I love it. Tia, thank you so much for jumping on with us today. I appreciate it.

Tia Slightham (39:48.513)

Yeah, I could chat for days with you, so we'll do it again.

ABOUT THE SHOW

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth.

Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.

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Is your teen's emotional meltdown leaving you feeling overwhelmed and powerless? You're not alone—73% of parents face this challenge. But what if you could learn how to de-escalate these situations and strengthen your bond with your teen?

In this episode, I’m joined by Karleen Savage, a former hostage negotiator and conflict resolution expert. Karleen now helps parents like you master the art of diffusing teen meltdowns and creating calm, cooperative interactions.

She shares proven strategies to navigate your teen's intense emotions with confidence, build trust, and create a positive environment that helps your teen thrive.

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ABOUT THE SHOW

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your essential guide to navigating the complexities of adolescence with clarity and confidence. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist, the podcast provides practical strategies and expert insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional development. Whether you're an experienced parent or just starting your journey with teens, this podcast is packed with valuable information to help you thrive.

#TeenParenting #TeenConflictResolution #ParentingTips #TeenEmotions #ParentingTeenagers #DeescalatingTeenAnger #ParentingExpert #FamilyDynamics #TeenMeltdowns #ConflictManagement

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, we’re joined by Ali Flynn, the founder of Hang In There Mama. Ali shares invaluable insights on how moms can find peace and joy in their motherhood journey while overcoming feelings of guilt. If you're a mom feeling overwhelmed or guilty, this episode is a must-listen!

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE

5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS

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Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family!

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EPISODE CHAPTERS:

CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Ali Flynn

CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell

FULL TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Cam (00:00):

Ali Flynn (00:41.198):

Dr. Cam (00:44.017):

Ali Flynn (00:51.15):

Dr. Cam (01:35.665):

Ali Flynn (02:10.286):

Dr. Cam (03:13.649):

Ali Flynn (04:17.74):

Dr. Cam (04:18.673):

Ali Flynn (04:34.926):

Dr. Cam (06:02.225):

Ali Flynn (07:04.558):

Dr. Cam (07:39.409):

Ali Flynn (08:15.822):

Dr. Cam (09:27.185):

Ali Flynn (10:05.982)

Dr. Cam (11:06.179)

Ali Flynn (12:26.99)

I have to model to my kids that I have to take care of myself. I have to love myself because if I don't model that for them, who is going to? And I want my kids to love themselves, have self-care, be functioning adult men and women who also love themselves. So I got really lost for a long time, and I felt just trapped at times. And it took a while for me to figure out what to do. And it was slow baby steps for me that I had to incorporate self-care back into my, really, my daily and weekly routine that I let go of for so long.

Dr. Cam (14:28.721)

Ali Flynn (15:05.358)

It is hard to find that balance, but I try to just share with moms, you know, this isn't about taking a spa weekend retreat. This isn't about spending a lot of money. It is truly about sometimes just finding even three minutes of quiet time. And that's it. Three minutes of quiet time just to settle your brain, maybe hop in the shower, go outside on your front yard, take a few deep breaths. It can be simple. That time just to regroup and pause, life-changing.

Dr. Cam (16:34.801)

Ali Flynn (17:42.67)

Hey, I've noticed you've been on your phone for an hour or so. Do you wanna go do something? Even if it's, do you wanna go run an errand with me? Or I'm heading on a walk, right? Do you wanna come with me? Or I'm going to go walk the dog. Do you wanna join me? And you can find simple things. I'm about to make dinner. Would you like to help? Just to get them off, but without it being like a demand, a punishment, you know, really talking about the care of yourself while balancing the phone.

And I remember during the pandemic, I had four teenagers. I had two eighth graders, a 10th grader, and an 11th grader. Those phones were an appendage to their hands, and it would drive me crazy. And I would just talk to them, and then that would happen. And then I would get, you know, feisty about it and I would, you know, just talk over and over again. They would get annoyed with me. And I remember one day with one of my daughters, I was like, let's go to your screen time. Let me show you your screen time as a visual. Her screen time was off the charts. But I think, like, it took her breath away because she didn't realize when those hours pop up, she didn't realize really how many hours she was on until those numbers appeared. So sometimes you just need that visual also to show you the truth of it, because when you're scrolling, time flies by. You're not even recognizing it, right? When you're walking or exercising, you know the time. It was like five minutes.

Dr. Cam (19:44.145)

Ali Flynn (20:37.806)

Dr. Cam (20:39.889)

Ali Flynn (20:57.044)

So that's one thing. I personally meditate every day, or I try to meditate every day if I can, but that's about 20 minutes. But if I don't have that time, it's just three deep breaths. And I actually do it every night. As soon as I put my head on the pillow, even I take three deep breaths before I close. I close my eyes, take the three deep breaths and just exhale everything from the day. And it just allows me to feel like I'm releasing everything from that day to start new for tomorrow.

The second thing that I tend to also do is I walk a lot. And it doesn't even have to be a fast walk. Sometimes I just walk up and down my driveway. I happened to have to take my father to a doctor's appointment recently. I walked in the parking lot and I listened to a podcast. So I try to listen to sort of meditative music or a podcast, something that is going to either soothe me or, again, like what we're talking about before, I'm gonna learn something from it.

The other thing I also do is I journal a lot. So it doesn't have to be pages upon pages. You don't have to have the stress of it, but I just journal, right? I can actually, sometimes I'll use a journal that's blank and just basically word vomit all over the page, whatever I need to say. Other times I use journals that have some prompts. It's sort of dependent on my mood, but I don't stress about it, right? So I used to be an English teacher for middle school. So many of my students hated to read and they hated to write. And the reason why is because they were forced to do book logs, journal entries. And then I think as people move forward, they still have like a negative connotation sometimes, like it's gonna take up so much time or what do they have to do for it? It's an obligation. But if you look at it as it's just healing or word dumping to get off your chest what you need to move forward, it's very soothing.

Dr. Cam (24:13.681):

Dr. Cam (26:04.241):

Ali Flynn (26:46.254):

So, or, you know, if my husband’s not home, I’ll go on a walk by myself or I will catch up with somebody. Because what am I going to do? For a long time, I did this. Right? When it was my eldest, and she was entering the tween years and becoming more independent, I would just sort of wait. I’d wait for her, and I’d wait on the couch. But then I was getting frustrated because I’m waiting and I’m waiting, and I’m like, well, it’s been so many hours.

But it would have been much better for me to fulfill those hours of her independence doing something for myself independently. That took some time for me to learn. And that’s why I always want to share with moms, right? Like, you don’t have to sit on the couch and wait. It’s not selfish for you to go do something and then come back and regroup and reconnect with your teen.

Dr. Cam (27:53.745):

Ali Flynn (28:21.358):

And I don’t really know how to, and I don’t know how to advise people to. I think it’s… you know, I think, but I also look at myself and say, I’m a worrier. But I also have friends who worry way more than I do. And I have friends who worry a little bit less than me. But it’s interesting. And I’ll always pose the question to my husband as well: Like, well, are you worried about that? He’s like, no.

Dr. Cam (29:51.409):

Ali Flynn (30:02.764):

With my first one, my throat was closed. I felt like I could barely breathe. And now I’m like, you’re going to be just fine, right? You’re going to have struggles, that’s normal. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to be okay, I’m not worried.

Dr. Cam (31:30.577):

Ali Flynn (32:25.518):

Dr. Cam (32:55.761):

Ali Flynn (33:48.6):

Dr. Cam (35:06.609):

Ali Flynn (35:44.974):

Dr. Cam (36:23.505):

Ali Flynn (36:51.798):

Dr. Cam (37:04.817):

Ali Flynn (37:06.414):

Dr. Cam (37:54.225):

Ali Flynn (38:02.926):

Dr. Cam (38:24.657):

Ali Flynn (38:28.334):

Dr. Cam (38:35.141):

Ali Flynn (38:44.43):

ABOUT THE SHOW

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.

#parentingteens #selfcareforparents #drcamcaswell #theteentranslator

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, we’re diving into the exciting world of the all-new Digital SAT and how it’s changing the college admissions process.

Dr. Shaan Patel, founder of Prep Expert and a Shark Tank success story, joins us to break down everything parents need to know about the new SAT, scholarships, and how standardized tests can still be an advantage—even at test-optional colleges. With over 20 years of experience in SAT prep and helping over 100,000 students succeed, Dr. Patel offers priceless insights to empower both teens and parents on the road to college success.

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE

5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS

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Don’t keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! 🙏💫

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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

EPISODE CHAPTERS:

CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Shaan Patel

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FULL TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Cam (00:01.732)

Shaan Patel (00:32.614)

Dr. Cam (00:50.244)

Shaan Patel (01:00.806)

When I got to college, I wanted to help other students improve their test scores the way I had. I had unique strategies and methods to share. So, I put together a book proposal for the first SAT prep book by a perfect score student. Unfortunately, I got 100 rejections. If anyone knows the publishing world, it’s tough. So, I took all that material and started Prep Expert. In the first six-week SAT course I ever taught, my students had an average score improvement of 376 points, which is the equivalent of moving from the 50th percentile to the 90th percentile. That led to more demand for courses, and I began training other instructors. Over the past 13 years, we've helped over 100,000 students improve their SAT and ACT scores and secure over $100 million in scholarships.

Dr. Cam (03:38.372)

Shaan Patel (03:39.942)

Dr. Cam (06:12.388)

Shaan Patel (06:16.07)

Dr. Cam (07:40.388)

Shaan Patel (08:03.302)

Dr. Cam (09:17.572)

Shaan Patel (09:48.71)

Dr. Cam (11:04.132)

Shaan Patel (11:15.078)

Parents and students will be pleased to hear that this new digital version of the SAT is the most student-friendly version ever created. The test is now 2 hours and 14 minutes, down from 3.5 hours. Instead of 150-200 questions, it’s now just 98 questions. You can use a digital calculator on all math questions, unlike the previous SAT where there was a no-calculator section. The writing section is now combined with the reading section, meaning fewer sections and less focus on grammar. Plus, the essay is gone, and obscure vocabulary words are no longer included.

On top of that, the reading passages are now shorter—just about 100 words on average, instead of the 500-750 words seen previously. It’s already a welcome change for many parents and students.

However, I do want to be clear: while the digital SAT is student-friendly, it’s not easier. The biggest change is that the new SAT is now adaptive. This means that the questions will get harder or easier depending on how well your student performs on the first module of math, reading, and writing. The final questions will be much harder to test the upper level of your student’s skills.

Dr. Cam (14:01.06)

Shaan Patel (14:08.422)

Dr. Cam (14:43.652)

Shaan Patel (14:53.35)

Dr. Cam (16:07.876)

Shaan Patel (16:08.71)

Dr. Cam (17:31.396)

Shaan Patel (18:05.958)

Dr. Cam (18:10.5)

Shaan Patel (18:33.83)

Dr. Cam (19:22.212)

Shaan Patel (19:39.494)

Dr. Cam (22:00.26)

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Dr. Cam (22:24.516)

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Dr. Cam (25:20.164)

Shaan Patel (25:33.222):

Dr. Cam (25:49.444):

Shaan Patel (26:04.102):

Dr. Cam (27:28.708):

Shaan Patel (28:02.502):

Dr. Cam (30:10.372):

Shaan Patel (31:18.342):

Dr. Cam (31:45.732):

Shaan Patel (31:51.846):

Dr. Cam (33:53.028):

Shaan Patel (33:57.638):

Dr. Cam (35:37.38):

Shaan Patel (35:42.47):

Dr. Cam (36:45.828):

Shaan Patel (36:53.446):

ABOUT THE SHOW

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam

#SATPrep #TeenMotivation

In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, Dr. Cam Caswell is joined by Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, a seasoned pediatric psychologist and parent coach specializing in supporting parents of highly sensitive teens. Dr. Lockhart, also a mother of teens herself, brings invaluable insights into the unique challenges faced by sensitive teens—such as emotional regulation, peer relationships, academic pressures, and self-esteem. 

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE

5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS

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RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

EPISODE CHAPTERS

00:00 - Introduction to Highly Sensitive Teens

CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart

CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell

ABOUT THE SHOW

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.

#theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam #highlysensitive #parentingstrategies