Pillow Talks

Ever wondered why you have a certain kink? Or if it’s OK to fantasize about someone else during sex? Or maybe you’ve been curious about cuckolding, breeding kinks, or pegging… but didn’t know who to ask.

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The female orgasm: we’ve talked about it a lot over the years, but it never stops being one of the most requested, most misunderstood, and most fascinating topics we cover.

In this episode, we’re flipping the script and looking at orgasm through a partner’s eyes. What does it mean to be supportive? How can you tell if she’s actually orgasming? And why is it so inconsistent? We’re answering your most Googled questions, plus the ones you’ve been too embarrassed to type into a search bar.

Here’s what we’re getting into:

Why women fake orgasms (and what to do about it)

What to say if your partner has never had one before

How to know if she’s really having an orgasm

The truth about female performance anxiety

Which positions are best for helping her O

How to help her experience multiple orgasms

G-spot orgasms and squirting: can you make them happen?

What to do while she’s orgasming (hint: don’t freeze!)

How to make it last longer + aftercare

💦 And if you haven’t heard, we’re also celebrating the 10-year anniversary of Finishing School!

It’s our proven, step-by-step course that helps women finally experience reliable, pleasurable orgasms.

Whether you’ve never had one or you want to deepen your pleasure even more, this course will meet you exactly where you are.

Here’s what’s inside:

A full, technique-driven curriculum to teach you how to have as many orgasms as you want, whenever you want

The Pleasure Bundle: Ultimate Foreplay Guides + Ultimate Sex Guide

3 months unlimited access to Vanessa AI

2 LIVE Support Track Coaching Calls with us!

Lifetime access to go at your own pace

And a 30-day, pleasure-guaranteed, money-back promise

💛 It’s personal for me (Vanessa). I struggled with orgasm for years (even as a sex therapist) and this course is everything I wish I’d had.

👉🏻 Go to https://vmtherapy.com/orgasm to discover just how good it can get.

👉🏻 Access The Truth About Female Orgasm Replay https://free.vmtherapy.com/truth

🎧 Stay connected

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

⏰ Timestamps:

00:00 – Intro

04:00 – Why do women fake it?

12:50 – How to be a supportive partner

25:38 – Can I tell if she's orgasming?

26:25 – Do some women not need to finish?

31:45 – Can women have performance anxiety about orgasms?

33:06 – Best positions for female pleasure

38:27 – Why are female orgasms inconsistent?

42:56 – How do I get my wife to have more than one 0?

46:42 – G-spot orgasms and squirting

47:58 – What am I supposed to do while she’s coming?

49:33 – How to make your partner’s 0 last longer

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You’ve probably heard people say, “Oh, you’ll just know.”

But what if… you don’t know? 👀

This week, we’re diving deep into one of Vanessa’s all-time favorite topics (and the one she first became known for as a sex therapist!): the female orgasm. Whether you’re wondering if you’ve ever actually had one, struggling to feel much of anything, or just desperate to experience the kind of toe-curling, body-melting release you’ve seen in movies — this episode is for you. 💦

We’re answering your most personal, vulnerable, and downright relatable questions like:

“How do I know if it was an orgasm ?”

“It felt good… but it was short — does that count?”

“Everyone says I’ll ‘just know’ but I’m still not sure. HELP.”

“I’ve only ever had ‘mini’ orgasms — is there something wrong with me?”

“What leg positions help or hurt the chance of orgasming?”

“Does a full bladder make orgasms feel stronger?”

“What does a vaginal orgasm even feel like and how do I know if I’ve had one?”

Vanessa also opens up about her own experience struggling with orgasm (yes, even as a sex therapist), what finally changed things, and the biggest myths that keep women stuck. And if you’ve been feeling overwhelmed, broken, or like you missed the memo on pleasure… this episode will remind you that you’re not alone — and there is a path forward.

✨ PLUS: If you’re a woman who’s struggled with orgasm (or never had one), check out our course Finishing School — the step-by-step system that’s helped thousands of women finally get there. Visit vmtherapy.com/orgasm to learn more.

The most common signs of orgasm (and why they can look different for every body)

Real questions from listeners who aren’t sure if they’ve had one yet

Why some orgasms feel big and some feel… meh

The orgasm “standard” we’ve all been sold by Hollywood

Practical tips for recognizing and expanding your pleasure

How Vanessa’s own orgasm journey inspired her to create Finishing School

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

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You thought last week’s icks were bad? Buckle up, friend.

Because in Part 2, we’re getting into the next-level icks — the ones that make you question everything.

Like… oral sex immediately after intercourse. Or the dreaded dick flop. Or your partner’s casual approach to burping, farting, and forgetting what deodorant is.

These icks go way beyond open-mouth chewing.

We’re talking postpartum rage, peeing with the door open (or worse… the sound), and the surprisingly common hygiene habits that leave you wondering if love really can survive it all.

💛 Here’s what we’re serving up for you:

The hygiene ick that made one woman reconsider everything

Why flopping a penis around is not a valid form of initiation (seriously, stop)

Oral after sex: hot or gross?

Postpartum icks that no one warns you about

Peeing, poor aim, and other bathroom-related turn-offs

The financial icks that hit harder than expected

🎧 Basically, if you’ve ever looked at your partner and thought “ew”… this one’s for you. ‘Cause you know what? Sometimes laughing really is the best medicine.

🔗 Links & Resources

EPISODE 46: The Hygiene Episode ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode46

EPISODE 198: Stop Doing THIS If You Want More Sex ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode198

❤️ Ready to go deeper?

Let’s be honest, everyone has an ick or two. But if you’re feeling more disconnected, more irritable, or less turned on than you’d like… it might be time to reconnect in a more intentional way.

Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you explore what really turns you on —mentally, emotionally, and physically. You’ll get access to our member library of courses and guides , plus live calls, date night ideas, and support from a like-minded community.

Because when you’re truly connected… the little things don’t ick you out as much.

👉 Join Deeper today. Because intimacy is the whole point. https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You love your person… but lately… the sound of them chewing is making you cringe.

You’ve got the ICK. So what do you do? And what does it actually mean?!

This week, we’re breaking it all down for you plus what to do when your partner’s quirky habits suddenly feel like a total turnoff. 🤮

We’re also sharing your ick stories — from when baby talk stops being not cute to when dirty texts majorly backfire.

Whether you’re currently dry heaving on the inside… or worrying that you’re the one giving them the ick… this episode is full of perspective, permission, and practical advice.

💛 Here’s what we’re covering:

The real definition of an ick (and how it’s different from a red flag)

What to do when your partner’s behavior starts killing your attraction

The most common icks (bad breath, loud chewing, weird toenail habits…)

Your funniest icks from Instagram (you did NOT hold back)

🎧 And don’t worry—we’ve got even more ick stories and questions coming next week in Part 2.

🔗 Links & Resources:

EPISODE 46: The Hygiene Episode ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode46

EPISODE 198: Stop Doing THIS If You Want More Sex ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode198

❤️ Ready to go deeper?

Let’s be honest, everyone has an ick or two. But if you’re feeling more disconnected, more irritable, or less turned on than you’d like… it might be time to reconnect in a more intentional way.

Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you explore what really turns you on —mentally, emotionally, and physically. You’ll get access to our member library of courses and guides , plus live calls, date night ideas, and support from a like-minded community.

Because when you’re truly connected… the little things don’t ick you out as much.

👉 Join Deeper today. Because intimacy is the whole point. https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Does this sound familiar? Your partner asks you to take control in the bedroom… and your brain completely short-circuits.

You freeze. You feel awkward. You suddenly have no idea what to do.

If you’ve ever found yourself defaulting to passivity during intimacy—or if the idea of “being in control” feels totally foreign—you’re so not alone.

In today’s episode, we’re asking the question: Are you letting sx happen to you… or are you a active participant during it?

We’re also talking about this from a male perspective: What does it feel like to be the only one initiating or guiding? Do men want their partners more engaged—and what does that even look like?

Whether you’ve never taken the lead before, or you’re just looking to feel more empowered and participatory, this episode is your permission slip—and your how-to guide.

Let’s get into it.

💛 Here’s what we’re covering:

Why so many women default to passivity in the bedroom

What men actually think about women taking the lead

Questions to ask your partner to open up this convo

What “taking control” can look like—without the pressure

Simple ways to be more confident and engaged in the moment

🔗 Links & Resources

🔥 The Art of Initiation — our most-loved guide for learning how to confidently initiate intimacy →  http://vmtherapy.com/initiation

✨ Join us inside Deeper to access the brand new Sensual Touch Challenge and finally understand what turns you (and your partner) on → vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Does it ever feel like you and your partner are just never on the same page when it comes to sex?

One of you wants it more often. One of you needs things to be just right. One of you initiates. One of you never does. It can feel frustrating, confusing, and even a little bit lonely.

But there’s a good chance the issue isn’t actually about how much you want sex… it’s about how you want sex.

In today’s episode, we’re breaking down one of the most important tools we’ve ever shared: the two sex drive types.

If you’ve ever felt like your desire is broken—or that your partner just doesn’t “get” you—this conversation is about to change everything.

💛 Here’s what we’re covering:

The real difference between mental desire and physical arousal

What it means to be a Spontaneous vs. Responsive type

Why you’re not low desire… you just need a different kind of start

How to navigate mismatched sex drives without resentment

Why your type has nothing to do with gender (but the stats may surprise you)

How to initiate sex in a way that works for both of you

You’ll also hear a game-changing mindset shift that can help you stop taking it personally—and start working with your differences instead of against them.

Links & Resources

✨ Join us inside Deeper to access the brand new Sensual Touch Challenge and finally understand what turns you (and your partner) on → https://vmtherapy.com/touch

✨ What’s your sex drive type?→ https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

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This week, we’re diving into something that seems simple but holds a lot of power in your relationship: touch.

Whether it's a lingering hug, a soft shoulder squeeze, or just holding hands while watching Netflix — physical touch is one of the most important (and underrated) ways to build connection, intimacy, and trust.

But if you’ve found yourselves touching less — or if touch feels off somehow — you’re not alone. We asked our audience, and:

47% said they want more touch

37% said they want better touch

In this episode, we’re breaking down why touch is so essential — and why so many couples stop doing it. (Spoiler: it's not just about sex.) Plus, we’re giving you practical tools and one super simple free exercise (takes 5 minutes) to start reconnecting through touch today.

💛 Here’s what we’re covering:

The emotional and physical benefits of touch (for both of you)

Why “touch starvation” is real — even in long-term relationships

The surprising ways you may be unintentionally avoiding touch

The difference between sexual and non-sexual touch — and why both matter

What to do if your partner says “touch just isn’t my love language”

Quick, everyday ways to bring more affection into your relationship (no grand gestures required)

✨ Ready to explore all the ways to touch?

We created The Secret Touch Blueprint to help you and your partner reflect on what kinds of touch feel best to you — and how to talk about it together.

Grab it here → https://free.vmtherapy.com/touch-blueprint

And if doing that exercise leaves you thinking, “Wait… I want more of this,” you’ll love what’s coming next.

This July, we’re launching a 4-week Sensual Touch Challenge exclusively inside our Deeper membership.

It’ll walk you through 8 specific types of touch — from relaxing to arousing — with fun prompts, step-by-step videos, and guided exercises to try with your partner.

It’s designed to bring back the playfulness, the exploration, and the kind of touch that makes you feel again.

💥 Pillow Talks listeners get 25% off their first month of Deeper with code PILLOW → https://vmtherapy.com/touch

Links & resources:

👋🏻 The Secret Touch Blueprint →https://free.vmtherapy.com/touch-blueprint

💥 Join the Sensual Touch Challenge (starting July 7 inside Deeper) → https://vmtherapy.com/touch

Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

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Have you ever wanted a peek inside a man’s brain? 🧠

We’re back with Part 3 of one of our most talked-about episode series — answering all the burning, bizarre, and brutally honest questions you’ve always wanted to ask men.

This week, we’re diving into what men really think about everything from doggy style to aging to the internet daddy of the moment, Pedro Pascal.

What are men actually looking at during doggy style?

What do they think when they see a woman who’s prettier than their partner?

Is it true they can literally… think about nothing?

How do they feel about things like…

Women aging, messy buns, leg hair, and more

How do they stay so chill about daily life stuff (kid schedules, groceries, appointments)?

What really keeps them engaged in a relationship?

This one is honest, funny, and surprisingly vulnerable. And of course, Xander’s not holding back.

🔗 Links & Resources:

🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 1 ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode56

🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 2 ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode69

❤️ Ready to go deeper?

Your questions deserve more than just a quick answer. Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you actually take the next step — with expert-designed tools, guided content, live sessions with us, and unlimited access to Vanessa AI (your 24/7 virtual sex and relationship coach).

🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander**

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

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Have you heard of The Bristle Reaction? It’s a term Vanessa coined—and when we posted about it on TikTok, over 8 million people watched. (You can watch that here 👉 https://www.tiktok.com/@vanessaandxander/video/7206335375453867306?lang=en)

The Bristle Reaction is that moment when your partner reaches out for a hug or a kiss… and your body instinctively recoils. Even when you love your partner deeply, their touch can sometimes create a sense of tension or irritation—and it’s more common than you think.

We asked our Instagram audience, and a whopping 84% said they’ve experienced this reaction. But the question we keep hearing is: “How do we fix it?”

In this episode, we break down:

The 3 biggest reasons The Bristle Reaction happens

6 actionable ways to start enjoying your partner’s touch again

Why this topic hits so close to home for so many couples

If physical affection has started to feel complicated or triggering, this episode will give you clarity, tools, and hope.

🔗 Links & Resources:

📘 Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life

📝 Initiation 101 Guide ➡️  https://buy.vmtherapy.com/art-of-initiation?ref=podcast-212&utm_term=podcast-212

❤️ Ready to go deeper?

Your questions deserve more than just a quick answer. Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you actually take the next step — with expert-designed tools, guided content, live sessions with us, and unlimited access to Vanessa AI (your 24/7 virtual sex and relationship coach).

🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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