Pillow Talks

We’ve always promised to keep things real with you — the good, the messy, and everything in between.

And lately… life has been life-ing.

In this episode, we’re opening up about what’s been going on behind the scenes — especially with Vanessa’s dad’s health — and how we’ve been navigating this season both personally and as a couple.

We’ll talk about what’s next for our family, the emotional rollercoaster of managing grief while still finding moments of joy, and what it looks like to prioritize self-care, connection, and even intimacy when life feels really heavy.

An honest update on Vanessa’s dad’s health and how our family is handling it

The self-care practices helping me stay grounded (and sometimes just get through the day)

What’s been helping us stay connected as a couple during stressful times

The reality of sex and intimacy when you’re grieving or emotionally exhausted

Why joy still matters, even when things are hard

If you’re in a tough season too, this one’s for you. You’re not alone. 💛

Inside Deeper, our membership for couples, we help you keep growing together — even when life gets complicated.

You’ll get access to expert-led guides, monthly live calls, and our favorite prompts and challenges to help you communicate, connect, and feel close again.

👉 Join Deeper today and start building the kind of relationship that can handle anything. https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly emails with behind-the-scenes stories, tips, and a few good laughs → http://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods.

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Let’s talk about oral.

We’ve all had those moments where oral feels way more awkward than arousing. You’re lying there, overthinking everything: Do I smell weird? What do I do with my hands? Is my partner secretly counting down the seconds until it’s over?

Sound familiar? Yeah… you’re definitely not alone.

In this episode, we’re getting into the real, raw, and sometimes ridiculous reasons people struggle to fully relax and enjoy oral. We asked our community to spill their biggest insecurities, and let’s just say… you all delivered. From “I can’t stay present” to “I feel bad making him do it when I haven’t shaved,” nothing’s off-limits today.

We’ll break down what’s actually going on behind those thoughts, and share practical, shame-free ways to feel more confident, connected, and turned on.

💋 Here’s what we’re diving into:

The top 3 reasons people can’t relax during oral (and how to fix them).

Why it’s okay if you don’t orgasm every time — seriously.

How to ask for what you like without killing the vibe.

What to do when your brain won’t stop screaming, “am I doing this right?!”

And a few of our favorite “oral attitude adjustments.”

Part real talk, part sex-ed, and part pep talk from your favorite couple who’s been there, done that… and yes, talked about it on a podcast. If you’ve ever been stuck in your head, overthinking, or trying to do it “right”… listen in… because you deserve oral to feel good. Like really good. 😘

Then it’s time to join The Ultimate Foreplay Experience. Our brand-new 4-week challenge that turns the Ultimate Foreplay Guides into a spicy, step-by-step adventure.

Each week, you’ll tackle a new theme — fingering, hand jobs, oral, and blow jobs — with flirty assignments, trackable checklists, and a “Heat Map” to rate your favorite moves.

It’s everything you need to turn “eh, same old routine” into “holy sht, that was incredible.”*

Get in on the challenge by grabbing the Ultimate Foreplay Guides before October 23rd → https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — full of behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and way too many sex puns → http://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to podcasts!

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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👏Thanks Audible Romance. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial ➡︎https://Audible.com/pillow

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Every week on Instagram, we host “Ask Us Anything” sessions. And honestly? We get way more questions than we could ever answer in stories.

So today, we’re bringing some of those unanswered Qs straight to the podcast to give you deeper answers, real stories, and the honest, judgment-free advice you’ve been waiting for.

Get ready, because we’re tackling some of your biggest, wildest curiosities about sex, intimacy, and relationships.

💛 Here’s what we’re getting into:

Why some guys are so into swallowing (and what it really means).

When “lasting too long” in bed becomes its own problem.

How to tell your new partner about things you liked with an ex.

What to do when you can’t seem to drop a fetish.

Healing steps for survivors of sexual trauma who want a healthy sex life.

What happens when you both want the other person to initiate.

And that’s just the beginning — this episode is packed with your real questions and our no-BS answers.

Ready to uncover your unique intimacy blueprint? Take our free Intimacy Quiz and learn the key that drives your connection: 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Treat your partner to the best foreplay they’ve ever had 👉🏻The Ultimate Foreplay Guides http://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

Learn how to initiate with confidence 👉🏻The Art of Initiation https://vmtherapy.com/initiation

Unlock expert tools, our core course library, and more inside our membership 👉🏻 Deeper https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander**

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and plenty of flirty fun.

Sign up here 👉 https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods.

Timestamps 

00:00 – Intro

03:00 – Why are guys so into swallowing?

11:04 – My partner lasts too long in bed

22:47 – How do I bring up things an ex used to do to me with my partner?

30:54 – Scheduling sex feels awkward—how do I get over that?

39:52 – How to get over a fetish

47:30 – How to reassure your partner with ED

56:19 – How SA survivors can have a great sex life

58:31 – What to do if we both want the other partner to initiate

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Audible Romance. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial ➡︎https://Audible.com/pillow

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You’ve been there: the dreaded text fight.

One message gets misread, emotions spike, and suddenly you’re both typing paragraphs instead of actually talking.

In this episode, we’re breaking down a real-life text fight between a couple navigating mismatched sex drives, rejection, and the heavy mental load of parenting. You’ll hear the raw back-and-forth and get our thoughts on what worked, what didn’t, and how to move these conversations toward connection instead of conflict.

💛 In this episode, you’ll learn:

Why so many couples end up fighting about sex over text (and why it almost never goes well).

Why text is the worst place to argue (and how to get out of the spiral).

The hidden emotional needs behind “yes” and “no.”

How to express hurt feelings without slipping into blame.

How to validate your partner without abandoning your own boundaries.

Communication tips that will help you feel heard and understood — even in the heat of the moment.

If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a text fight with your partner, this one’s for you.

👉 Ready to uncover your unique intimacy blueprint? Take our free Intimacy Quiz and learn the key that drives your connection: 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ @vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and plenty of sex puns. Sign up here 👉 https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods.

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Hot take: when you finally get initiation right, your entire sex life opens up.

Think about it. No more awkward “was that supposed to be a signal?” moments. No more pressure on just one person to get things started. And no more cycle of rejection and resentment. When initiation feels fun, confident, and mutual, everything else in your sex life starts to feel easier, more connected, and a lot more exciting.

We’re back with a re-air of one of our most popular episodes ever, because initiation is one of the biggest challenges couples face.

💛 In this episode, you’ll learn:

The biggest mistakes couples make when it comes to initiation (and what to do instead).

Why one partner often feels all the pressure, and how to change it up and share the spark.

How to shift from frustration and rejection to connection and desire.

Practical strategies to make initiation feel exciting, flirty, fun, and hot again.

If you’ve ever felt frustrated, annoyed, or even rejected by your partner’s initiation attempts (or lack of them), this conversation will help you see both sides of the equation and give you totally do-able techniques you can try tonight.

We’re doing something we’ve never done before. For this weekend only, get our top-selling course, Art of Initiation, for just $40 (normally $89). That’s more than 50% off! Now through Sunday, September 28, 2025

Inside, you’ll learn how to initiate in ways that actually feel amazing for both of you. Trust us, it’s a total game-changer.

👉 Grab AOI here: vmtherapy.com/initiation and use code FLASH40 at checkout.

Links & Resources

👉 E73: Do You Ever “Owe” Sex To Your Partner?: https://vmtherapy.com/episode73

👉 What’s Your Sex Drive Type? Free Download:  https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type

👉 E38: You Want Connection, Your Partner Wants Sex. Who Comes First?: https://vmtherapy.com/episode38

👉 E183: How To Get More Emotional Intimacy From Your Partner https://vmtherapy.com/episode183

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods.

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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👏Thanks Skims. Shop SKIMS Fits Everybody collection at SKIMS.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you! Select "podcast" in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows. ➡︎https://www.skims.com/pillow

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Did you know that 64% of people say they want more foreplay than they currently get? And most people say they wish it was part of every sexual experience.

No wonder foreplay frustrations are so common. Maybe it feels too short, too routine, or like your partner just doesn’t quite “get it.”

The truth? Foreplay isn’t just a warm-up. It’s one of the most powerful ways to feel connected, build anticipation, and experience more pleasure (especially since only 10–15% of women orgasm from intercourse alone).

💛 In this episode, we cover:

Does foreplay actually count as sex?

How to ask for more foreplay without hurting your partner’s feelings.

Types of foreplay beyond handjobs and BJs—like massage, sensory play, toys, and even “choreplay.”

What to do when one of you wants more foreplay and the other wants less.

How to talk about your fantasies without feeling awkward.

Tips for breaking out of a foreplay rut and keeping it playful.

What to do when your favorite turn-on is your partner’s turn-off.

And yes… whether it’s okay to not really be into foreplay at all.

Foreplay can (and should) be one of the most exciting and intimate parts of your sex life. And after this episode, you’ll have the tools to make it way more fun, connected, and satisfying for both of you.

Check out our Ultimate Foreplay Guides. Next level techniques and step-by-step instructions, let’s just say, these guides are our #1 best-seller for a reason!

⁠Links & Resources

👉🏻 Get The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: http://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

👉🏻 A Survivor's Guide To Reclaiming Your Sex Life After Abuse here: https://vmtherapy.com/freebies

🎧 Stay connected

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

⏰ Timestamps

00:00 – Intro

10:54 – When your partner won’t give foreplay

18:25 – Tips for talking about foreplay

23:25 – Exploring different types of foreplay

31:00 – I want more foreplay, my partner wants less: finding middle ground

37:55 – How to start the conversation about foreplay

40:47 – How to mix things up in the bedroom

45:49 – I don’t want to give blowjobs, but my partner loves them

55:54 – Women who don’t like foreplay

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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👏Thanks ZocDoc. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and start book a top-rated doctor today. ➡︎https://zocdoc.com/pillow

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Aging is inevitable. But letting your sex life fade away? Nope.

This week, we’re tackling one of our most requested topics ever: sex and aging.

We’re answering your biggest questions about how intimacy shifts as the years go by: from libido changes, to navigating menopause, to keeping things hot.

💛 In this episode, we cover:

How old is too old to have sex (spoiler: never)

What to do if your libido and your partner’s don’t line up anymore

Navigating perimenopause and helping your partner understand it’s not about them

Feeling sexy in a body that doesn’t look like it did at 20

How to manage vaginal dryness, erectile changes, and shifting anatomy

Creative ways to keep intimacy exciting even when it feels like you’ve “done it all”

And you’ll also hear sweet (and funny) messages from listeners who say that sex in midlife and beyond is actually the best sex they’ve ever had.

You’ll also hear some of our favorite messages from listeners in their 40s, 50s, 60s (and beyond!) about why sex actually gets freer, hotter, and more confident with age.

Because here’s the thing: aging is inevitable. But a boring sex life? That’s optional.

✨ Ready to spice things up at any age?

42 step-by-step positions with illustrations, tips, and playful modifications

A workbook + printable cards to track your favorites (and keep things exciting)

Expert tips and troubleshooting for when sex doesn’t go as planned

An audio version so you can get quick, shame-free guidance anytime

Whether you’re looking for fresh inspiration or new ways to connect, The Ultimate Sex Guide will help you discover just how good sex can get!

Check it out here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/ultimate

Links & Resources 

Get our sex positions playbook here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/ultimate

E215  Mismatched Sex Drive Types: The #1 Reason Couples Struggle With Desire 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/episode215

E121 When She Wants It More: Navigating Mismatched Libidos When The Woman Has A Higher Drive 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/episode121

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Timestamps 

00:00 – Intro

03:38 – How old is too old to have sex?

11:12 – How does libido change with age?

16:22 – When does a drop in libido become a health concern?

19:18 – Navigating perimenopause with your partner

33:31 – Body image and aging

39:34 – Best sex positions for older couples

44:34 – Vaginal dryness and aging

46:18 – Does your labia shrink or change with age?

49:52 – How to keep your sex life exciting as you get older

54:03 – Trouble staying hard as you age

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Hungryroot. Use code pillow to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life➡︎https://Hungryroot.com/pillow

👏Thanks Chewy. Chewy has everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy. You can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping!➡︎https://chewpanions.chewy.com/@vanessandxander

👏Thanks Cure. Use code PILLOW for 20% off your first order! ➡︎https://curehydration.com/pillow

👏Thanks MasterClass. Get an additional 15% off any annual membership ➡︎https://masterclass.com/pillow

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There is absolutely zero shame in using toys in the bedroom. In fact, they can be a game-changer for pleasure, intimacy, and just plain fun.

Whether you’re curious about where to start, nervous about how your partner might react, or worried about your kids (or pets!) discovering your stash, we’re covering it all in today’s episode.

We’re also sharing some of the funniest (and most relatable) real-life sex toy stories you sent us. Because if you’ve ever had a vibrator confiscated by your toddler or opened a box of anal beads in front of your in-laws, you are definitely not alone.

💛 Here’s what we’re diving into:

The best starter toy for women

How to talk to your partner about wanting to use toys (without hurting their feelings)

Whether orgasms feel different with a toy

Why it’s totally normal if toys aren’t your thing

Talking to men about male sex toys

Using toys solo vs. with a partner

How often to use toys (and why your partner should never “hand you off” to one)

The best ways to store your toys so kids or family don’t stumble across them

Hilarious (and mortifying) real-life mishaps from our listeners

If you’ve ever had questions about sex toys and tools or just want a good laugh at the stories we’ve collected — this one’s for you.

Resources & Links:

Our sex toy recommendations ➡️https://vmtherapy.com/recommended-products

Episode 172 How to Bring Toys Into the The Bedroom Without Making it Weird ➡️https://vmtherapy.com/episode172

Expert-led guides and courses on intimacy, pleasure, and communication

Two brand-new date night ideas every month (one cute, one sexy)

Monthly live calls with us where you can ask us your questions directly

Unlimited access to Vanessa AI — your 24/7 virtual sex + relationship coach

A private, supportive community of couples working on the same goals

Whether you’re brand-new to exploration in the bedroom or just looking for fresh ways to connect, Deeper gives you all the tools, tips, and real-talk support to make your relationship feel exciting again.

💛 Learn more at vmtherapy.com/deeper

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Timestamps

00:00 – Intro

04:21 – Safety tips: What “For Novelty Use Only” really means

11:11 – Best beginner toy for women

19:24 – How to talk to your husband about toys (without hurting his feelings)

26:21 – Will your orgasm feel different with a toy?

29:03 – Is it normal to not enjoy toys?

30:26 – Can toys make pleasure harder without them?

37:57 – Male partners trying toys for the first time

43:48 – What if you only want to use toys solo (not with a partner)?

48:44 – Should you use toys every time?

53:50 – How to store toys discreetly

55:43 – Funny toy stories

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The postpartum stage can be one of the hardest (and least talked about) seasons a couple will ever go through.

Your relationship changes. Your body changes. Your sex life changes.

And with all of that comes a swirl of feelings you might not have expected:

Resentment toward your partner

A crushing imbalance in the mental load

Feeling “touched out” 24/7

Nervousness (or fear) about having sex again

Worries about your body never feeling — or looking — the same

The awkward, elephant-in-the-room disconnection that can build over months

In this episode, we’re answering YOUR most personal, vulnerable questions about intimacy and connection after having kids — from being scared to get pregnant again, to changes in sensation, to finding your spark when you feel more like co-managers than romantic partners.

💛 Here’s what we’re covering:

Why being “cleared” for sex at 6 weeks doesn’t mean you have to be ready

How to break the silence when it’s been months (or longer) since you’ve been intimate

What to do if sex is painful after a tear or complicated delivery

Navigating body image, “too loose” worries, and changes in arousal triggers

How to reconnect when parenting has taken over every ounce of energy

Advice for partners who struggle to see their spouse sexually after birth

The most powerful way a partner can make a new mom feel truly seen, appreciated, and desired

Whether you’re weeks postpartum or years down the road, this conversation is a reminder that you’re not broken, you’re not alone, and you can find your way back to each other.

👩‍👩‍👧 Raise safe, smart & shame-free kids — and build a lifetime of trust so you’re the one they turn to.

From “Where do babies come from?” to “What does 69 mean?” 😳, Beyond the Birds & the Bees gives you the exact words to say in just 5–7 minutes per topic.

A complete digital parenting tool-kit. Think bite-sized, age-by-age audio guides and real-life scripts make even the trickiest conversations easier — so your kids learn about sex, consent, identity, and relationships from you, not TikTok.

Start today ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/kids

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Imagine this: your partner sits you down and says they want to open your marriage…

Not for a real-life person.

But for their AI companion.

Sounds like a Black Mirror episode, right? But it’s real.

In today’s episode, we’re diving into the wild, complicated, and very real intersection of AI and relationships.

From romantic connections with chatbots to emotional venting with AI companions, technology is evolving faster than most of us are prepared for. And it’s already showing up in our love lives in some unexpected (and sometimes unsettling) ways.

Whether you’re curious, skeptical, or straight-up concerned, this is a conversation every couple needs to have.

Here’s what we’re getting into:

The Reddit story that left us both speechless (yes, he wants a throuple with his AI girlfriend 😳)

Why saying “I don’t use AI” isn’t a real boundary anymore

The emotional intimacy trap: how AI companions are starting to meet very human needs

Why venting to AI can quietly erode real-life connection

The most important questions to ask your partner now about tech, boundaries, and connection

How to use AI intentionally to strengthen your relationship (not threaten it)

Real-life examples of how AI can either divide or deepen your bond

How to Safeguard Your Relationship From AI

Download it here now 👉🏻 https://free.vmtherapy.com/ai

Vanessa AI: a relationship-focused tool that’s trained NOT to cross boundaries

Our entire library of core courses + guides on intimacy, sex, and relationships

Monthly coaching calls with us and two date night ideas every month (one cute, one spicy 😉)

💛 Learn more at vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices