Pillow Talks

Ask a sex therapist is back!

Have you ever Googled something about sex and then immediately deleted your search history? 🥵

In this week’s episode, Vanessa (a sex therapist with 20+ years of experience) and Xander (her ever-curious, regular dude husband) answer your most personal, pressing, wait-am-I-the-only-one? questions about sex, intimacy, and everything in between.

Is it weird if my partner and I don’t kiss during sex? (Pretty Woman, anyone?)

What exactly is pegging?

Is it normal for other things to be “better than sex”?

Can using a penis pump have consequences?

Should you get a vasectomy? (Xander’s in the club!)

Postpartum sex — what are men really thinking?

Can responsive/spontaneous desire be taught? Like can you switch your type?

❤️ Ready to go deeper?

🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

Resources Mentioned:

Ultimate Foreplay Guides 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

Ultimate Sex Guides  👉🏻 https://buy.vmtherapy.com/ultimate-sex-guide?ref=podcast-211&utm_term=podcast-211

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ ⁠https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander⁠

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 ⁠vmtherapy.com/subscribe⁠

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

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Maybe it’s a gross habit that totally kills the mood…

Maybe it’s a bigger issue that leaves you feeling unseen or disconnected…

This week, we’re diving into a question we hear all the time: Should I be putting up with this in my relationship?

Whether it’s your partner’s lack of ambition, a dead bedroom, constant yelling, or socks in the couch cushions (yep, really) — we’re breaking down how to tell the difference between healthy compromise and straight-up self-betrayal.

We’re walking through real stories submitted by our audience and sharing tools to help you:

Tune into your own boundaries.

Get clear on what’s worth working through.

Speak your truth without blowing things up.

The difference between patience and people-pleasing.

When to accept a quirk vs. when to draw a hard line.

How to handle dead bedrooms, defensiveness, and money fights.

What to do if your partner’s gross habits are killing your vibe.

The truth about “sticking it out” vs. knowing when you’ve had enough.

🎧 Whether you're questioning the little things (like nose-picking 😬) or the big things (like being completely ignored emotionally or sexually), this episode is here to help you figure out your next move.

Ready to go Deeper with us?

Inside our Deeper membership, you’ll get access to our full library of expert-created resources, including the guides, courses, and coaching tools we wish every couple had. PLUS — instant answers to your most intimate questions via Vanessa AI, your 24/7 virtual sex and relationship coach (and new bestie).

🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🔥Treat your partner to the best f0repl@y they’ve ever had with The Ultimate Foreplay Guides 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.  Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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👏Thanks Remi. Give your teeth a break without breaking the bank with Remi and save up to 50%. ➡︎ https://shopremi.com/PILLOW

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Does sex feel like a chore to you?

According to 86% of our audience? Yes.

Maybe sex doesn’t feel great. Maybe it it’s more about your partner getting their needs met than you. Maybe it’s just started to feel like another thing to check off your list.

But maybe the issue isn’t sex at all.

Maybe it’s that you’re carrying too much — between the keeping the household running (and kind of clean), parenting logistics, and the weight of every single thing it takes to adult…

It’s not that sex is a chore: it’s that chores are sabotaging your sex life!

In this episode, we’re breaking down how mental load affects desire, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction (spoiler alert: a lot more than you think).

And of course, we’re sharing practical tools to help lighten the load and bring the connection back.

💛 Here’s what we’re covering:

What mental load actually is

Why resentment and “keeping score” kill intimacy

What happens when your partner starts to feel more like your kid than your teammate

How to have more conversations about sharing the load

What you can do today to start shifting the dynamic

Whether you’re feeling unseen, exhausted, or just plain over it—this episode is here to help you feel more supported, connected, and so much less alone.

⏰ Last chance to snag 2 of our most supportive tools in the shop! ⏰

The Mental Load Workbook and Your Best Week Ever are officially retiring on May 25th. These are the last few days to grab these super affordable and potentially life-changing products.

We designed them to help you:

Rebalance the invisible labor in your relationship

Get on the same page with your partner (without nagging or blowing up)

Reconnect emotionally and physically—even when life is busy

These are the strategies that helped us transform our own dynamic — and we want that for you too!

🗓 Sunday, May 25th is the final day to buy them a la carte.

🧠  Mental Load Workbook: 👉🏻 https://shop.vmtherapy.com/mental-load-workbook?ref=snst25-podcast-209&utm_term=snst25-podcast-209

💓 Your Best Week Ever 👉🏻 https://buy.vmtherapy.com/best-week-ever-only?ref=snst25-podcast-209&utm_term=snst25-podcast-209

STAY CONNECTED:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.  Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

=================================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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👏 Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial ➡︎ https://dipseastories.com/pillow

👏 Thanks StoryWorth. Save $15 during their Father's Day sale ➡︎ https://storyworht.com/pillow.

👏Thanks Alloy. Get $20 off your first order today. ➡︎ https://myalloy.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Goodwipes. Goodwipes will elevate your everyday hygiene with premium wipes that deliver a superior clean that no dry toilet paper can match.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In this episode, we’re giving you a realistic, 4-week plan to help you and your partner get out of that relationship rut — even if you're super busy, overwhelmed, or feeling disconnected.

No grand gestures. No impossible checklists.

Just simple, thoughtful actions you can start this week to feel closer again — emotionally and physically.

Here’s what we’re covering:

The difference between a rut and a red flag 🚩

How we define “realistic” connection (especially if you’ve got zero bandwidth)

A step-by-step, week-by-week game plan you can follow

Specific daily, midweek, and weekend actions to help you reconnect

Why it’s okay to not feel fireworks right away — and what to focus on instead

A challenge to get started right now 👀

Whether you’ve been together 2 years or 20, this plan can help you feel like a team again — without adding more stress to your plate.

LINKS & RESOURCES

📝  4-Week Relationship Reset PDF — Your Companion Workbook for EPISODE 208: Stuck In A Relationship Rut? Here’s Your 4-Week Fix ➡︎ https://free.vmtherapy.com/4-week-reset

👋 The Art of Initiation — your guide to making initiation feel easier, sexier, and more satisfying  ➡︎ https://buy.vmtherapy.com/art-of-initiation?ref=podcast-208&utm_term=-podcast-208

💖 Deeper Membership — full access to our relationship toolkit, core courses, live monthly sessions, and more ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

✅ Turn Me On: Your Initiation Style Guide — a free guide to discover your unique initiation style (and how to use it!) ➡︎ https://free.vmtherapy.com/initiation-style-guide

STAY CONNECTED

📸 Follow us on Instagram @vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns 👉🏻 Sign up here!

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re bringing back one of our most downloaded episodes of all time — and trust us, it’s worth a re-listen (or a first-time bender if you’re new around here).

Foreplay — the most misunderstood, rushed-through, and skipped-over part of sex. But here’s the truth: foreplay isn’t optional. It’s not just a warm-up. It’s the whole damn vibe.

In this episode, we’re breaking down the 5 biggest mistakes couples make when it comes to foreplay — and how to turn things around so it actually feels good (for both of you).

Here’s what we’re diving into:

What makes receiving foreplay so hard (especially for women — hi, it’s not your fault)

The most common foreplay ruts we all fall into

How to make foreplay fun again — not forced, awkward, or performative

A mindset shift that will change how you think about sex forever

Whether you’re feeling stuck, unsure what your partner wants, or just ready for a heck of a lot more pleasure… this episode is your permission slip.

Links & Resources:

🔥 The Ultimate Foreplay Guides ➡︎ https://buy.vmtherapy.com/ultimate-foreplay-guides?ref=podcast-207&utm_term=podcast-207

Stay Connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram @vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns 👉🏻 Sign up here!

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re bringing back a fan favorite this week… and yep, we’re going there.

Butt stuff. 🍑

Back in 2021, we dropped an episode all about backdoor play, and it quickly became one of our most popular episodes of all time. With over 200 Pillow Talks episodes under our belts now, we figured it was time to make it a little easier to find the gems — so for the first time ever, we’re re-airing one of our top episodes.

Whether you’re a little butt-curious or already a full-blown booty enthusiast, there’s something in this one for you. Because here’s the deal:

👉 72% of our Instagram fam said they were intimidated by anal play.

👉 But 67% also said they were curious about trying it.

That means even if you’re nervous… you’re still open. And we love that.

In this episode, we cover:

Why butt stuff might be worth a try (even if you’re scared)

The biggest myths and misconceptions (hint: it’s not just anal sex)

How to keep things safe, hygienic, and pain-free

Why more straight men are embracing the backdoor (and loving it)

Your most vulnerable Qs — from hairy buttholes to hemorrhoids to the “what if vaginal sex doesn’t feel like enough after?” convo

Oh — and if you’ve listened before? It’s still worth a re-listen. You might hear something new, have a totally different take four years later, or finally feel ready to give it a try. 😉

Last call for two spicy fan favorites 🔥

We just launched our brand-new membership, **Deeper** — which gives you instant access to all of our core courses, monthly double dates with us, VanessaAI, and more. With that, we’re officially retiring a few of our a la carte guides—including two of our best sellers:

👉 Butt Stuff 🍑 (only available inside of DEEPER)

👉 Dirty Talk 101  (only available inside of DEEPER)

🍑 What's so great about butt stuff? (Our FREE Guide)

Stay Connected

💌 Get our best tips, stories, and sex & relationship advice: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🛋️ Come hang with us on Instagram

🎧 Subscribe & review — New episodes drop every Thursday! Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review — it helps us keep creating content you love.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re back this week with another coaching episode — where we listen to real voice notes from real listeners who are navigating some seriously relatable challenges. 

From craving more pleasure but not knowing how to ask for it… to dealing with desire differences after kids and trying to orgasm for the first time (yes, ever) — we’re holding space for your stories.

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking:

You’re not alone — and this episode is for you.

We’re walking through these submissions with curiosity, compassion, and practical tools to help these couples — and you — feel more connected, more confident, and more turned on by your sex life again.

 💬 What we’re going deep on:

- When your sex life is fine but also kind of meh

- Why you might not know what you want and how to figure it out

- How to handle performance anxiety (without hurting anyone’s feelings)

- What to do if you’ve never had an orgasm (you’re not broken!)

- When your partner wants sex every day and you’d rather do anything else

- How to stop making sex feel like just another to-do

🔥 Resources mentioned in this episode:

💖 Deeper Membership - https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

Our affordable, all-access monthly membership packed with expert-led courses, playful date night ideas, live coaching calls, and Vanessa AI — your on-demand sex therapist bestie.

💋 Ultimate Foreplay Guides - https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay 

Whether you’re craving more excitement or just want a refresher on what actually feels good — these guides make foreplay easier, hotter, and way more fun for both of you.

🌸 Finishing School - https://vmtherapy.com/finishing-school?ref=podcast&utm_term=podcast

Never had an orgasm? Not sure where to start? This course helps you overcome the emotional and physical blocks that might be getting in the way of pleasure.

💦 How to Have Your First Orgasm (Free Guide) - https://free.vmtherapy.com/best-orgasm

A gentle, shame-free introduction to learning what feels good — and how to actually enjoy it.

🧠 Sex Drive Types Guide (Free) - https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type 

Are you responsive or spontaneous? This guide will help you understand your own desire type — and why it’s been causing friction in your relationship (spoiler: it’s not your fault).

🛠️ Performance Issues? We’ve got you.

If you or your partner are struggling with performance anxiety or feeling pressure to “last longer,” check out these resources:

- How to Talk to Your Male Partner About Performance Issues - https://vmtherapy.com/youtube-video/how-to-talk-to-your-male-partner-about-his-performance-issues/

- Ep. 149: Partner Performance Problems? Here's What To Do And What NOT To Do - https://vmtherapy.com/episode149

- Ep. 47: What Penis Performance Problems Really Mean - https://vmtherapy.com/episode47

- What to Do If You Have Performance Anxiety About Your Orgasm - https://vmtherapy.com/vanessa-marin-sex-therapy/what-to-do-if-you-have-performance-anxiety-about-your-orgasm/

📲 Stay Connected

📩 Join our email list  — Be the first to know about exclusive offers, new products, and exciting updates: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

💬 Follow us on Instagram — https://www.instagram.com/vanessaandxander for behind-the-scenes fun, Q&As, and more tips on love and intimacy.

🎧 Subscribe & review — New episodes drop **every Thursday**! Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review — it helps us keep creating content you love.

=================================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

=================================

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks

👏Thanks Goodwipes. Goodwipes will elevate your everyday hygiene with premium wipes that deliver a superior clean that no dry toilet paper can match.

👏Thanks Remi. Give your teeth a break without breaking the bank with Remiand save up to 50%. ➡︎ https://shopremi.com/PILLOW

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you’ve ever joked about “peeing just a little” when you sneeze, or you’re the kind of person who always has to know where the bathroom is, this one’s for you.

Vanessa is sharing her personal (and super vulnerable) journey with bladder issues: how it started, the surprising symptoms, the anxiety it caused, and the expert-backed tools and tricks that actually helped.

We asked our community if they’ve experienced bladder problems — and 62% of women said yes. So if you’re in that group, or just curious to hear a side of health and intimacy we’ve never talked about before, tune in. This episode might just be a game changer for you.

Here’s a peek at what we cover:

Disclaimer: This episode is based on personal experience and is not intended as medical advice. Always consult with your doctor about your individual health needs.

Grab The Ultimate Sex Guide for sex therapist-backed tips that’ll have you saying “oh my GOD… I didn’t know it could be this good?” — or get that AND everything we offer inside Deeper, our super affordable membership packed with steamy tools, date night ideas, live coaching, and more. Think of it as your all-access pass to better sex, connection that lasts, and WAY more fun together!

💌 Get our best tips and resources straight to your inbox: vmtherapy.com/subscribe

📸 Follow us on Instagram: @vanessaandxander

🎧 Never miss an episode — make sure to follow Pillow Talks wherever you listen to podcasts!

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https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

👏 Thanks ZocDoc. Download the ZocDoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. ➡︎https://www.zocdoc.com/pillow

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Is it cheating if you go to sex club… but just to watch?

What about a flirty Snapchat streak with your ex?

A prostate massage with no orgasm? 👀

This week, we’re back with Part 2 of one of our most talked-about episodes. We asked our community to share the moments, confessions, and curveballs that made them ask, “Wait…is this cheating?”

And let’s just say… the gray areas are graying HARD.

No matter how you define cheating, one thing’s clear: these kinds of conversations are hard, and they don’t get easier without the right tools.

Want hotter sex, deeper convos, and fewer fights? For less than the cost of a date night, get on-demand access to our expert-led courses, live sessions with us, and interactive tools designed to fit into your busy life.

Start your journey inside Deeper here.

🔥 The Art Of Initiation 

🤖 Meet Vanessa AI (included with Deeper membership) 

📩 Join our email list — vmtherapy.com/subscribe

📲 Follow us on Instagram — @vanessaandxander for behind-the-scenes fun, Q&As, and more tips on love and intimacy.

🎧 Subscribe & Review — New episodes drop every Thursday! Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review — it helps us keep creating content you love.

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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👏Thanks Dipsea. Right now, listeners of this show can get a 30-day free trial ➡︎ https://dipseastories.com/pillow

👏Thanks Hungryroot. Get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life ➡︎ https://hungryroot.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks

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We’ve all had that moment — your partner brings something up, and suddenly you’re snapping back with a list of everything they did wrong. But wait… is that defensiveness, or are you just defending yourself?

This week, we’re diving into one of the trickiest relationship dynamics out there: defensiveness. And we’re not just talking about it — we’re unpacking real, raw stories straight from you.

From sex drive mismatches to mental load meltdowns, parenting disagreements to pasta-water disputes (yep, really), these stories highlight how easy it is to get caught in the cycle of feeling blamed, getting reactive, and shutting down.

But we’re also sharing tips to break out of that cycle — with more compassion, more understanding, and way fewer spirals.

✅ What defensiveness actually looks like (and why it shows up so fast)

✅ The difference between explaining yourself and shutting down

✅ Real-life listener stories around parenting, mental load, and misunderstandings

✅ What it really means to validate your partner (without agreeing)

✅ How to talk to your partner without triggering defensiveness

✅Practical ways to pause, reflect, and repair (without spiraling)

Join our email list – Be the first to know about exclusive offers, new products, and exciting updates: vmtherapy.com/subscribe

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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👏Thanks Chewy. Take advantage of amazing holiday savings and shop your personal favorites. Get 20% off your first order ➡︎ https://chewy.com/pillows

👏Thanks Beam. Get up to 40% off for a limited time ➡︎ https://shopbeam.com/PILLOW

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