Pulling The Thread with Elise Loehnen

I believe this is the most-listened-to episode ever on Pulling the Thread. It’s a conversation that I had with therapist Esther Perel in 2023 that still stands to this day—but that’s Esther for you. I think it also highlights how difficult it remains for many of us to get comfortable with conflict in our relationships, and to disagree and even fight, productively, with someone else. Whether you tend to avoid friction or go up in flames—or have a partner who does one or the other—I think you’ll find Esther’s framing compelling.

For the show notes, head to my website.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, friends. For those who are interested, I’m saying more about this in my solo episodes, but as I was preparing to recover from a non-life-threatening (and yet major) health surgery, I spent some time thinking about what would be meaningful to share with you all for the next few weeks or so. And I landed on a shortlist of conversations that I’ve had on Pulling the Thread over the years that resonated with listeners, that stuck with me, and that feel ever more relevant today, and worthy of a first-time listen now—and even a re-listen.

First up is my conversation with everybody’s favorite palliative medicine physician, BJ Miller. BJ has become a dear friend of mine and I find his approach to fear and the unknown to be incredibly helpful in so many aspects of life—from relationships to career to contemplating our larger purpose. This episode originally ran at the very end of 2021, which seems hard to believe for me! I hope you still love it, too.

For the show notes, head to my website.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I spent the past month largely recovering from a (successful) double mastectomy—it was very intense, and I also had amazing care, from my team at UCLA, and from my family and friends. I am healing well and my prognosis couldn’t be better—I’m very lucky that intervention was early and I am not fighting for my life. I recorded this episode before my surgery—I did this for a number of reasons: to record the process of navigating options, to highlight where the big fear pockets were for me, and also to work through a second diagnosis, that’s scary-sounding but also in hand. If you’ve faced something like this—or are fearful of facing something like this—I hope my thought process is helpful. In last month’s episode (“Taking Your Foot Off the Gas”), I talked a bit about needing a sabbatical—and this is why. I appreciate all of you so much—thank you for continuing to listen to Pulling the Thread while I take some time to take care of myself. I'm very grateful for your support.

For the show notes and full transcript, head to my website.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Mark Wolynn is a pioneer in the field of inherited family trauma, the director of the Family Constellation Institute in San Francisco, and author of the recently updated classic It Didn't Start with You (there’s also now a companion workbook). I find his work endlessly fascinating. Here, he helps us see how inherited family trauma, attachment trauma, and unconscious loyalty is often unknowingly affecting our lives—and, importantly, what we can do about it to make positive change in our lives now, and for future generations.

For the show notes, head to my website.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

After the shocking end of her marriage, Belle Burden chose not to let herself get erased. Today, we talk about what she chose instead and the person she’s evolved into since writing her stunning memoir Strangers. Burden reminds me that while we can’t always understand why people do what they do, we can learn to live tethered to our own truth.

For the show notes, head to my website.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I had so much fun reading psychologist Paul Eastwick’s book Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection. A lot of his work reveals the enduring myths that are engrained in our culture and our minds about attraction, compatibility, gender differences, and relationships—and why these myths have been somewhat mistakenly connected to evolutionary psychology. The way he debunks these myths is so helpful, and also very entertaining, I think, whether you are single, dating, or in a relationship. Today, he shares some great hot takes on the apps; the significance (or not!) of first impressions, what’s behind compatibility and lasting attraction, how same-sex friends work, infidelity risk factors—and much more.

For the show notes, head to my website.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

“That’s the kind of story, that's the kind of image that I'm talking about—that really just sinks into you and won’t let go,” says psychologist Sharon Blackie. Today, Blackie returns to discuss her new book Ripening: Why Women Need Fairytales Now. Once again, her perspective is helping me make sense of who we are at different stages of our lives.

Sharon's first episode on Pulling the Thread: "How to Fully Engage with the Rest of Your Life"

For the show notes, head to my website.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

“We’re all addicted to light,” says Andrew Holocek, author of Total Eclipse of the Mind: Unleashing the Power of Darkness for Creativity, Healing, and Transformation. “We’re all light junkies in the deepest possible way. And so because we're so lost in the light, blinded by the light, that I think the pendulum is swinging back. And there's a deep intimation, it may be inarticulate for a number of people—why so many people are simultaneously attracted and repulsed by the darkness, of what it represents.” Today, Holocek (who has been meditating for 50 years and doing dark retreat for 30) shares how to dip your toe into dark practice, a soothing way of framing fear, and a glimpse into what each of us might find in the dark. 

For the show notes (including a link to the masks we talk about), head to my website.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

As I’m heading into a series of initiations, I’m sharing a few challenges (opportunities!) that I’m sure many of you are familiar with: our struggle to prioritize ourselves, worrying over what will happen if I slow down, wanting to have faith in myself in the way that I have faith in other people and in the world. In this month’s solo episode, I’m also sharing a bit about my upcoming move from Substack to Beehiv, a sabbatical of sorts that I’m taking, and what’s coming up on the podcast.

You can hear my subsequent update here: "A Life Update"

For the show notes, you can head to my website.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

New York Times–bestselling author Bruce Feiler is back after just a few years with another great one, A Time to Gather: How Ritual Created the World—and How It Can Save Us. Today, he reveals what he’s learned about the rise of reinvented rituals. He shares some incredible stories of people around the world who are creating rituals for all kinds of moments—from celebrating professional and personal milestones to honor walks for organ donors, miscarriage rituals, and Taylor Swift divorce parties. He also guides me through a ritual design class in real time, showing how simple—and powerful—it can be to create a ritual of connection in our own lives.

Bruce Feiler's first episode on Pulling the Thread: "The Non-Linear Life"

For the show notes, head to my website.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices