The Daily Dad

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Ryan and Sam Holiday talk about what would have actually prepared them for having children.

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So why on earth do we so often signal the opposite? Literally and figuratively, we send the message that they’re bothering us, that they’re a distraction, a burden, annoying. As Evelyn McDonnell writes in her fascinating book The World According to Joan Didion, Didion’s daughter Quintana Roo once wrote down a list of her mother’s sayings. They were: “Brush your teeth,” “Brush your hair,” and “Shush, I'm working.”

Only later do we realize what we’re saying to them—as Didion did tragically in her haunting book Blue Nights—how this hurt them, how it contradicted what we felt deep down inside. We were just busy in that moment! We just needed to finish something real quick! We didn’t mean anything by it!

Of course, we have to make a living. Sometimes we do have to finish things. Some things are important. We just have to make sure that we value what really is important, that we remember, as we say in the March 22nd entry in The Daily Dad: 366 Meditations on Parenting, Love, and Raising Great Kids, our kids aren’t a distraction from our work, they are our work.

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Being a kid is tough. It’s tough because they’re learning—often by painful trial and error—an endless number of lessons about life. What they’re allowed to do and not. What happens when you touch something hot. How other people act. What feels good and what doesn’t. Plus they’re also in school learning academic knowledge too—math and science and reading and history.

Well, here’s a piece of advice from the great Dr. Becky (from her amazing book Good Inside) that we can translate to our kids, but also to ourselves:

Things are tough, things are frustrating because we’re learning, we as parents, them as kids. It’s fun to learn but it’s also exhausting. It’s supposed to be this way, just as lifting weights is supposed to make you sore. It’s the price you pay to get the thing you want—which is to learn, to be smart, to be capable, to get the hang of this life thing.

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We have so many things we need to do as parents. There’s the logistics of it. The survival aspect of it (food and shelter). There’s the education we have to give them. There’s the experiences we want them to have. There’s the values and character we know need to be instilled.

We’re not trying to raise well-behaved kids. **As we’ve said before, we’re not trying to raise kids at all. The whole point of parenting is to raise our kids into adults, it’s trying to raise these little people into good human beings.

Of course, behavior matters but it’s not the end all be all. Tantrums aren’t great. Kids are sometimes going to be crazy. But as parents we need to remember that our primary job is teaching our kids how to manage and regulate their emotions and urges—it’s not to stamp them out because they embarrass us.

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It’s important that we look for examples of people who have done great things as a result of their parent’s ability to believe in them, support them, and make them feel secure. We’ve talked about Jim Valvano many times here and tell the story in Daily Dad about how his dad packed his bags and told his son he was ready to watch him coach in the Final Four. We posted a great video of the comedian Andrew Schultz recently. Andrew told his father that his dream was to perform at Madison Square Gardens someday. Everyone else laughed or dismissed it. His father just looked at him and said, “I can see it.”

We think this idea—that you have to be your kids’ biggest supporter—is so important that in The Daily Dad book, the entire month of August is on the theme. The month of August in The Daily Dad: 366 Meditations on Parenting, Love, and Raising Great Kids is titled, “Always Be A Fan”—it is, as we’ve said, the greatest gift you can give your kids.

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