The Daily Dad

“Connection first,” is Dr. Becky’s advice in Good Inside. Connection as opposed to shame, to criticism, to questions, to doubt, to consequences. There will be time for all that (except shame) later. “Now, to be clear,” Dr. Becky writes, “connection does not mean approval…Connection is an opening that allows for movement. Connection is when we show our kids, ‘It’s okay to be you right now. Even when you’re struggling, it’s okay to be you. I am here with you, as you are.’” 

Let’s start by slowing down. Let’s start by letting them know that this doesn’t change how we feel about them. Let’s start by letting them know that we’re here to help, that we’re on their team. Let’s start by letting them know that we love them (which, as we’ve said, you really cannot ever say too much). Once this is established, then we can get to work. 

Connection is not at odds with accountability, with learning a lesson, with consequences or even criticism. In fact, it makes the chances of all these things landing even higher. Because they’ll be listening, they’ll be less on guard, they’ll see it not as part of the problem, but part of the solution. 

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On this episode of the Daily Dad Podcast, Ryan Holiday and his wife Samantha dive into the nuanced art of raising well-adjusted adults rather than merely well-behaved children. Drawing from their own experiences as parents, they emphasize the importance of fostering independence, resilience, and critical thinking skills in young minds. 

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As Claire Tomalin writes in her book Jane Austen: A Life, we can trace the beginnings of Jane Austen’s greatness to her father’s library. “Their father’s bookshelves were of primary importance in fostering her talent,” she writes, “given that the first impulse to write stories comes from being entertained and excited by other people’s.” And her father had quite a library, **some 500 volumes.

It’s a crime, we’ve said, to raise a kid in a house without books. Our job is to surround our kids with great ideas, great writers, great art. We can’t expect it to turn all of them into groundbreaking creatives, but it will have that effect on some of them. In every case though, it will give them windows into other worlds, it will teach them empathy, it will entertain them and teach them lessons about life and human nature.

And more than just surrounding them with books, we have to demonstrate what being a reader looks like. Not on our phones, not on audiobooks, but good old fashioned reading.

We think this idea—that you have a responsibility to make reading a part of your children’s life—is so important that the month of September in The Daily Dad: 366 Meditations on Parenting, Love, and Raising Great Kids is all about it and titled “Raise A Reader.” It’s 30 days full of stories and lessons in learning, curiosity, and how to raise a reader.

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All that did happen. It shouldn’t have. It’s not ok that it did. But before you do anything, can you try this? Can you say to yourself, as Dr. Becky writes in Good Inside (a great book!), “Ok, one second. Let me take a breath. Let me see if I understand what’s happening here…”

In a sense, can you be a Stoic about it? Can you put your first impressions to the test, as Epictetus tells us, not be overwhelmed by the moment, as Marcus Aurelius said, and see what’s really happening? Because what’s really happening is that they are frustrated after being prodded and provoked by their siblings for days on end. What happened is that they’re overwhelmed by school, and they need help. What happened is that they’re desperate for connection. What happened is that they’re having bigger feelings than they’re equipped to deal with.

Talk to them, talk it through. Don’t be distracted by what’s on the surface, what is frustrating or inappropriate, but go to what’s really happening and help them there.

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It doesn’t matter how driven you were. It doesn’t matter how much money is on the table. Having kids humbles you. We said recently that having kids changes you because it brings you up close and personal with something that actually means something and all your other worldly stuff naturally pales somewhat in comparison.

As the writer Stephen Marche describes (he has a great little book on writing and life), “the physical changes that occasionally transpire with women after birth—eczema disappearing, once intractable allergies going away—have a psychological equivalent. The flesh of little children is the cure for self-importance. Everything matters less. Having children does not necessarily make writing harder, but it makes it a lot harder to pretend that writing matters.”

It makes it harder for that business trip to matter. Not when your son is struggling in school. It makes it harder for that big exit for your startup to matter…now that pursuing it has made your spouse contemplate an exit from your marriage (and now you’re staring down the heartbreak of shared custody). You thought it was all so important. You thought you were so important.

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Why is your house so stressful? Why is everything such a fight? It doesn’t need to be. Sure, school is important. Rules and respect and basic cleanliness matter. But these things aren’t that important. Indeed, most conflicts that pop up while getting ready for school or sitting down to dinner or finishing household tasks aren’t that important.

Here’s a magical phrase worth thinking about as a parent. It’s from that great Lionel Richie song (and Faith No More cover): Easy like Sunday morning…

What if more of your days were like that? When you had less you were trying to force through? When you were slightly more relaxed? If you understood that it was your kids’ day too, that there was nothing that really had to happen?


P.S. If you’re looking to avoid falling back into bad habits when stress inevitably announces itself, consider checking out our Daily Stoic Spring Forward challenge. We all think of March as the month we tend to get started on our spring cleaning, but how many of us spend the time to get our whole houses in order? Not just our physical spaces, but our minds, our routines, our assumptions? The challenge is designed to push you to examine those parts of your life, your choices, your relationships, and move you closer to living your best life. Become the person you aspire to be and enroll at dailystoic.com/spring today!

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It had been a long day. He was tired. He just wanted his teenage step-daughter Tegan, from the indie pop duo Tegan and Sara, to stop blasting the same album over and over. Besides, he hated Nirvana, which was just then about the biggest band in the world. So he told her to turn it off. He told her the music was driving him insane.

He was well within his rights…up until the point that he made a joke about Kurt Cobain’s sexuality. He should have known better. As Tegan explains in her fascinating book, High School (a must read for any parent with artistic children), she was just then coming to terms with her own identity. She went ballistic at her father. She was inconsolable. It was clearly not about the music at all.

Finally, after many apologies, her dad was able to talk to her. She played Nirvana’s Unplugged album for him. A fan of David Bowie, he was surprised by their cover of “The Man Who Sold the World.”

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On this episode of the Daily Dad podcast, best-selling author and renowned stoic philosopher, Ryan Holiday, shares an insightful and heartwarming story about a profound parenting conversation he had with a driver on his way to the San Diego airport. In this engaging narrative, Holiday reflects on the importance of being your child's biggest fan.

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“This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/dailydad and get on your way to being your best self.”

Dr. Becky (read Good Inside already!) says she tries to repeat it to get kids as often as possible: “You’re the only one in your body, so only you could know what you like.” 

She probably repeats it as much for her kid’s benefit as theirs. Because of course, they know what they like. The problem is that we tend to assume that we know better. And how could that be true? We’re not inside them, we’re not the same as them, as much as they sometimes seem like us.  As we’ve said before, ‘knowing better’ is a corrosive thing, because it becomes less true over time and it’s hard to turn it off once you’ve internalized the assumption.

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There’s a story about Queen Elizabeth, told in Discipline is Destiny. After a long day of travel with her late husband, Prince Philip, the Queen found him worked up and in an argument with someone who was organizing an event. 

What wouldn’t have worked in that situation with Prince Philip was the Queen coming over and telling him to get control of himself. It wouldn’t have helped for her to come in and pile on or take over the situation either. He was stuck in a loop, and she helped pull him out. 

While it’s not our job to parent our spouses, this was a wonderful example of fantastic parent energy. When our kids are upset, we can help them with a simple redirect, an interruption, a distraction, we can give them an off-ramp. We can provide calming energy as opposed to amping things up, to adding more tension or stress to a situation by reprimanding them or telling them to shape up.


P.S. “Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power,” Seneca said. If you’re looking to gain a little more temperance, for both your sake and your family’s sake, check out Ryan Holiday’s Discipline is Destiny. Developing a practice of discipline not only makes it more likely you’ll be successful, it ensures that whatever happens, you are great, both for yourself and those around you. Grab a copy today!

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