The Daily Dad

It’s dark stuff. It’s not pleasant. We wish it wasn’t true.

But that doesn’t mean we can hide it from our children. Because it did happen. And it can easily happen again if we’re not careful.

John G. Burnett knew this. That’s why on his birthday in 1890, he finally told his children what happened when he was in the army in 1838. He told them what he saw at what’s become known as the Trail of Tears.

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On this weekend episode of the Daily Dad,  Ryan talks with his wife Samantha on understanding the alternatives later and making the decision, while teaching our children the correct instincts while their away from home.

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It does work. We have to concede that. For generations, some parents have tried withholding praise, withholding pride, withholding approval so that their kids don’t feel entitled to it. The idea is that this will make them hungry, make them really work for it. No participation trophies here! You’ve got to earn it in my house!

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Harry Truman was not a good businessman. The clothing shop he opened with a friend was a disaster—and he was paying off the debts through his senate career and into his presidency. Most of his investments were flops. He had to sell off chunks of his mother’s farm when they couldn’t pay the mortgage. After he left office, the only safety net he had was his army pension.

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We know what we want our kids to say about us when they grow up. We want them to say that we were great parents, that we did our best. We want them to say that they knew they were loved. We want them to say that they love spending time with us–especially now that they’re older and they have a choice.

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We want happy kids, obviously. But as we talked about recently, you can’t make your kids happy. Certainly, you can’t always keep them happy.

So what do you do?

There’s a great exchange between Epictetus (we recommend his Discourses) and one of his students. The student is asking Epictetus to show him what to do so he can be wise and successful. This is the wrong request, Epictetus says. It would be better to ask how to be adaptable to circumstances.

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Being a parent doesn’t mean you give up on your dreams. We’ve talked about this many times. What kind of message would it send to your kids to see their parents quit on themselves? What kind of house is it to grow up in where Mom or Dad aren’t growing, changing, aren’t taking risks, aren’t fulfilled?

And yet, we also understand that it’s not about us anymore. Before, sure, we could take every risk and pursue every opportunity. But things are different now. There are people counting on us, people affected by our decisions.

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On this weekend episode of the Daily Dad,  Ryan talks with his wife Samantha on breaking constraints,  finding the solution to the problem, and the impacts on their household reflecting through parenting.

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It’s a world with too many problems. It’s a world with too much suffering. It’s a world with too much selfishness. We can’t fix all of this as people nor as parents. But we can try to help a little.

We’ve talked before about Ron Lieber’s clever description for the goal of most parents. We’re trying, he says, to raise kids who are “the opposite of spoiled.” (he has a book of the same name). That is to say, kids who are not just self-sufficient, but have energy and resources left over to help others.

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Things could be so much better. This could be a world that takes care of parents and families. It could be a world with a better safety net. It could be a world where we don’t shrug after a school shooting, or as democracy is dismantled by fanatics and nut-jobs.

We could use more support. Inflation could come down. Your spouse could get their act together. Things could be better, they should be better.

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