This episode covers the 3 main arousal styles. Only one is commonly depicted in media, but all are very normal and very common in reality. Most people have one dominant and possibly a secondary. Knowing your arousal style is part of discovering the manual to your own turn-ons and very helpful for communicating with your partner about what you like. 

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

It can be hard to know what to do when you're partnered with someone who is starting to heal from sexual trauma. They may be pulling away sexually. You may be feeling rejected, resentful, and/or disappointed. You may want to support them, but not know how.

Today we’re going to cover the key things you can do to support your partner’s healing and your intimacy together. Four things are oriented specifically towards how you interact with your partner and four are oriented towards supporting yourself.

Join me and let's help you both stay connected and get to the other side.

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

This is a special one. It's both vulnerable and also really satisfying. I’m sharing my story of the 8 key processes that helped me heal from dissociation and PTSD that I accrued from various traumas, including sexual assault, child abuse, homelessness, bullying and harassment.

It's never the same path for everyone, but I hope that this episode will inspire you to try out some of these approaches or understand better how to support loved ones. If you are feeling stuck, have genital numbness, feel disconnected from your body and/or your sexuality, are dissociated, depressed/anxious, or lost in people-pleasing (fawning) in your life, sexuality, and relationships -- this is for you. 

I'm sharing the 8 critical steps that helped me heal PTSD and shift into post-traumatic growth, embodiment, and joyful freedom. 

Resources Mentioned:

Vagus Nerve exercises: Get on the newsletter here for the vagus nerve exercise video along with other free resources like the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.myflodesk.com/wheel

The Feelings Wheel

Tara Brach's compassion meditation

Books:

No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz

The Body Keeps the Score by  Bessel van der Kolk (video synapsis here)

Waking the Tiger, Healing Trauma, and In an Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine

Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve by Stanley Rosenberg

Videos:

Peter Levine on Trauma and Somatic Experiencing

Trauma Release Method/ Trauma Release Exercises 

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Learn the 8 core principles of consent, why consent competence makes us all sexier and more respectful lovers and human beings, how to share and model consent principles with kids, and some advanced issues around consent for those interested in kink and/or BDSM. 

Here is the basic outline of the 8 core principles of consent:

1. Ask first, rather than just trying or assuming. 
2. Accept that anything that’s not a clear Yes is a No, and that’s ok. 
3. Slow down to find your yes or no, and let the other person have time for theirs. 
4. All honest responses are kind, including No. 
5. Get curious each time: don’t assume a Yes this time is a Yes always. 
6. Be open to offer or receive creative alternatives.
7. Kind people still make mistakes, but they also listen and learn from them.  
8. Checking in afterwards is important. 

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

If you're a person with a penis or partnered with someone with one, this episode will help you understand and solve some very common orgasm challenges for male-bodied people during partner sex: having orgasms sooner than you'd like ("premature ejaculation" or PE) or not at all.

It will help you stop trying to extend your time to orgasm by thinking about something awful and checking out (pro tip: that is horrible advice), and I'll walk you through what actually works instead.

If you have trouble orgasming with a partner, or you’d just like to try some new approaches to orgasm, this episode will also help you with the most common reason for that and how to overcome it.

Plus you may hear a few tips to enhance male orgasms that you may not have tried yet.

Sign up for my email newsletter with free mini-courses, workshop announcements and general love notes for you, and get the Wheel of Erotic Emotions guide to understanding your turn-ons here: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel

Book recommendations mentioned in the episode:

• How to Overcome PE, Please Your Partner & Have Great Sex by Metz & McCarthy
• Making Love Real by Harel & Hirschman (recommend to all people in relationships)
• The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Arava & Chia 

Course recommendation for PE:
2-hour audio course by the Somatica® Method founders: https://www.celesteanddanielle.com/work-with-us/sex-coaching-homework-exercises/control-ejaculation-audio-download/ 

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

So you want to have more orgasms during partner sex? Awesome! 

This is a common goal for female-bodied people and I am 100% here for that. Women have much lower rates of orgasm during partner sex with men than their male-bodied partners do (and fewer orgasms than men think we're having). Lesbians don't have this problem, nor do women of all persuasions during self-pleasure/masturbation. So let's change this situation, starting with you!

We'll cover what's in our way, how to overcome those challenges, and my top 4 tips for having more orgasms during partner sex -- including some important lessons from lesbian sex. 

We'll close as always with an exercise to help you clarify your own path forward.

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

How would it feel to feel free from shame? Take a moment to imagine it. If you’d like to get closer to that, join me for Episode 11: Becoming Shameless. 

Everyone has shame and inhibitions we picked up from our culture or past experiences. Even those who mask it really well.  It is absolutely possible to shed that baggage. It is a liberating process.

This episode will walk you through an effective approach to de-shaming that you can do with someone close to you or on your own. 

You will learn how to shed judgment about yourself and others. You will walk away knowing how to release shame, feel more free, more worthy and acceptable, and more connected.

Links mentioned in this episode:

1. De-escalate Stress Quick-Start Class (online) April 12, 2024 at 3pm for only $10. Tired of getting so activated, stressed or anxious? Got a habit you want to kick but keep getting overwhelmed by urges? Learn a simple way to de-escalate anxiety, activation, and urges. You need nothing but your body. Space is limited. Sign up today at https://laurajurgens.com/events

2. For a transcript of the episode, go to: https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/  and click on the episode, then click on the transcript tab.

To sign up for my email newsletter, where you can get special companion worksheets for the podcast and other free resources, go to  https://laurajurgens.com and grab the Touch Play Guide while you're at it.

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Episode 10 is all about when and how to talk to your partner about sex. If you're dating, considering dating, or in a relationship, don't miss this one.  It will take the guesswork out and keep you from a lot of disappointment. 

Many of us spin out in worry about finding the "right time;" avoid talking about important sexual needs, desires, or challenges out of fear or shame; or just blurt out our issues whenever we feel urgent about it. None of these approaches will help you get what you want and need from your partner. This episode gives you the guidance you need to avoid these common communication pitfalls.  

We’re going to cover good times and bad times to talk about sex, including what kinds of topics work (and don’t work) when you’re in the middle of getting it on.

I’ll also teach you the 3 key concepts to help conversations on sensitive subjects go more smoothly. Practicing these will help you and your partner feel heard, enable better connection, make empathy more likely, and avoid conflict.

From the episode, the baseline questions I suggest everyone cover with sex partners periodically are below. Consider these a starting point. 

1. What would make sex extra amazing for your partner? For you?
2. What would you both like more of? 
3. How do you both like to be invited to sexy times? 
4. What kind of flirting feels really good to you and them? 
5. How do you like to be escalated with?  (That is, moving from flirting to touch, initiating kissing, escalating to making out, moving from making out to removing clothes, initiating genital touch, etc.) 
6. How do your genitals particularly like to be touched? 
7. What helps you get off? 
8. What gets in the way of your arousal or hinders your orgasm? 
9. How do you know when sexy times are over? What do you like as a check in for when you’d like to wrap up or end sex? 
10. What kind of aftercare do you like? (That is, when the sexy times do come to a close, how can you support each other to come down from that in a gentle, connected way?  Is there anything your partner should know about how you feel after sex? For example, some people cry, meditate, get very quiet, sleepy, sweaty, etc. and all of that is okay but good to know!)

Plus these basic logistical questions:

1.  When were you last STI tested and what were the results? 
2. How many partners do you currently have and what are your safety practices with them? 
3. Do you want to be non-monogamous or monogamous and how do you like to organize that? 
4. How do you define and communicate around monogamy or non-monogamy? 

To register for the April 12, 2024 30-min webinar on De-Escalating Stress in the Body, for only $10, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/events

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Today we're talking all about where we get our validation, and what happens when we only look for it externally without giving it to ourselves.

Ever get that feeling that you, or someone you're with, just can't really take in approval? Maybe compliments slide off uncomfortably, or they seem to do absolutely nothing for our self-image. Maybe we feel desperate for attention, affirmation, or we tend to wait for someone else to make decisions. Or maybe we feel the opposite -- like we are entitled to approval for every single thing and we have a hard time taking even gentle feedback.

These are all patterns that stem from withholding validation from ourselves. It not only feels awful from the inside, it's also really challenging for romantic partners. It can be a big red flag in relationships, especially if taken to extremes. The good news is that most people can learn how to decrease the intensity of these patterns by learning to give ourselves more approval -- and it feels amazing when we do. 

Episode 9 breaks down validation-seeking behavior patterns. I'll cover what to look for in yourself or others, what's in your power to fix and what's not. I'll also show you how to start working with your own validation-seeking behaviors so you can better accept approval from yourself and others, and let it feel really good. 

To get the vagus nerve exercises referenced in this episode (and other free resources), go to https://laurajurgens.com and get on the email newsletter. Opt-out anytime. 

Here are the topics for today: 

Defining Validation

The Spectrum of Validation-Seeking

Why You're Not Weird or Lame for Needing Approval

Socialized Patterns in Approval-Seeking by Gender

Approval-Seeking Gone Wild, Validation Black Holes and Red Flags

Impact on Relationships 

The Way Out of Misery: Repairing the Relationship with Ourselves 

A First Step Exercise

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/

Episode 8 is the first in a series about Relationship Skills. We're starting with the fundamental skill of self-attunement. This is the simple practice of tuning into our emotional activation level to understand where we're at and what we're available for.

It's simple, and doesn't take long. It is also a game-changer for your relationships, whether with yourself or with everyone else in your life.

What is self-attunement?

Most of us struggle to maintain a deep connection during daily life and when we interact with others. Self-attunement is about being "home" to ourselves, staying connected to our needs and sensations rather than being solely outward-focused.

I'll walk you through a simple exercise to drop into your body, assess your emotional activation on a 0 to 10 scale, and be present to your own experience. This exercise can be done anytime, anywhere, and serves as a foundation for deeper self-awareness and authenticity.

Benefits of Self-Attunement:

• Self-attunement enhances authenticity and empowers us to make decisions aligned with our true desires.
• It improves our ability to connect with others by fostering genuine presence and understanding.
• Self-attunement also aids in setting boundaries and navigating challenging conversations with clarity and composure.

Practical Applications:

• Self-attune before engaging with others, especially in intimate or emotionally charged situations.
• Use self-attunement to regulate your capacity for decision-making and avoid acting impulsively under emotional stress.
• Employ self-attunement to empathize with others and defuse tense situations.
• Share the practice of self-attunement with friends or partners to foster mutual understanding and support. 

Conclusion:

• Self-attunement is a powerful tool for cultivating self-awareness, authenticity, and meaningful connections in all aspects of life. It also helps us not be jerks to ourselves or other people. 
• By integrating this simple practice, you can boost your emotional intelligence, as well as the fulfillment you feel in your connections with yourself and others. 

For more free resources, to get on my newsletter and to get access to upcoming webinars, join my list at https://laurajurgens.com/ (opt out anytime). 

Get my free guide: 5 Steps to Start Solving Desire Differences
(Without Blame or Shame), A Practical Starting Point for Individuals and Couples, at https://laurajurgens.com/libido

Find out more about me at https://laurajurgens.com/