Today I’m going to look at one of the most common situations that our clients find themselves. Figuring out exactly why an ex would reach out to you and then suddenly disappear.

Unfortunately this type of mixed signal happens quite often and most of my clients are left wondering how the heck to make sense of it.

Ultimately, I’m going to argue that the primary reason that a lot of exes reach out to you and then disappear is a function of them falling victim to the nostalgia principle that avoidants often fall victim to.

Have no idea what that is?

Well, allow me to explain.

For the past few months I’ve talked nonstop about avoidants and how they react post breakup. No, it’s never a one size fits all situation but I’ll tell you what.

A lot of what we know about avoidants can explain a lot of post breakup behavior.

So, let’s start at the beginning. Most of our clients exes are avoidant,

Well according to this article I wrote up earlier in the year,

The Avoidant Attachment Style: They are a person that does not like a lot of emotional intimacy or vulnerability within a relationship. They typically revert a conversation back to someone else to talk about themselves to avoid the spotlight. Often that’s how you’ll figure out if they’re avoidant or not. Ultimately they are afraid of having a deeper emotional connection and it all can stem from their experience in childhood. They’ve learned that any time they are vulnerable, it can be used against them and therefore they don’t rely on other people.

Essentially in a relationship any time someone gets close or threatens their idea of independence they run.

Of course, to make matters more interesting most of our clients tend to be more anxious by nature,

So, the most common pairing we see amongst our clients and their exes is this,

Anxious (our client) + Avoidant (clients ex)

The School of Life, a worthy YouTube subscribe did an excellent video detailing some of the issues with this pairing,

This quote specifically caught my eye,

Tragically, this avoidant party triggers every insecurity known to their anxious lover. Under pressure to be warmer and more connected, the avoidant partner instinctively withdraws and feels overwhelmed and hounded. They go cold – and disconnect from the situation only further ramping up the partner’s anxiety.

What I’ve noticed is that often the anxious and avoidant pairing gets caught up in this cycle.

And by looking at this specific cycle we can actually gain insight into what is going on when your ex reaches out to you and then suddenly disappears.

The eight stages of the cycle are as follows,

And around and around they go.

Now, it’s that return of the cycle that interests us. Specifically this part right here,

Them feeling lonely, depressed and sad leads them to start looking again and triggers the nostalgia principle.

So, there’s really two things that happen upon the turn of the wheel above.

We’re interested in that second outcome.

In this video,

I essentially argue that,

Avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship, and typically out of contact so they are untouched by actual engagement and their deactivation systems aren’t triggered, revealing their long-suppressed attachment and switching their operating attachment wound from the fear of engulfment to fear of abandonment.

This is particularly helpful to us for a number of reasons. Firstly, it describes that often an avoidant won’t begin to miss you until a lot of time has gone by. Secondly, it shows that they still have quite a bit of fear operating behind the scenes.

Essentially it’s the perfect cocktail of chemistry to illicit the, reach out and disappear behavior we are focused on here.

So, my argument is a simple one.

The reason that your ex is reaching out to you and suddenly disappearing is because they are falling victim to this nostalgia principle where they momentarily want to re-live the best moments of the relationship. After they reach out though they start to second guess themselves. They fear a loss of independence again and bail which creates a complicated mixed signal for you to sort through.

This is doubly true if you actually respond to them. You see, avoidants love nothing more than the concept of a phantom ex.

The phantom ex is a concept well known but we’re going to add an interesting twist to it.

First things first, what is it?

The Phantom Ex: In your exes mind they have a story of the one that got away. That one ex that if they could just get back all would be right in the world but it’s designed to be that way. An eternal beacon of light that the avoidant can never reach designed to keep all other romantic attachments away.

According to Free To Attach, one of my favorite avoidant resources,

The phantom ex operates because there is/was distance, not because the relationship was successful. But a fixation with a past partner affects budding new relationships, blocking them from getting close to someone else.

Why this is important is because avoidants don’t really want any romantic connections that threaten their independence so what better than setting up a situation where it’s impossible for someone to get close.

We’ve noticed a lot of exes like to paint YOU as a phantom ex and in their mind they build up the positive moments of the relationship a la the peak end rule,

If you don’t know what that is I highly recommend you watch this,

Essentially it’s an argument that human beings suck at remembering entire experiences so instead they compartmentalize them into two distinct points,

Essentially what we think is that your ex is reaching out because they fall victim to having nostalgia based on the peak moments of your time together.

Of course, the moment you respond they get pulled into the end moments of the relationship and I don’t know about you but not many ends to relationships are pleasant are they?

But this brings up an interesting question.

Is there ever a time when an ex reaching out to you can be authentic?

I’m going to teach you a universal formula for measuring attraction so get your pencils out,

Undivided Attention = Interest

Let’s first apply this to your life before we start applying it to your ex. Think of the last time you gave someone your undivided attention.

For me, it was a book editor that I hired. One of my dreams has always been to create a story that people are obsessed with. Starting in 2020 I began that process and started hiring a team of individuals to create an experience like no other.

Among those individuals was a book editor, a darn good one too.

Anyways, every Tuesday we meet and discuss the craft of writing and how I can improve. He has my undivided attention because I’m extremely interested in what he has to say.

Now, there is obviously no romantic connection there but that’s not what I’m trying to dive into yet. What I’m simply saying to you that if you give someone your undivided attention it’s a good indicator that you are interested in what they have to say.

The same principle applies to your ex except here’s the fascinating thing. The more undivided attention they give you the more likely they are to have their avoidant side triggered.

Frustrating, right?

Well, most of our research has been revolving around avoidants so the first thing I’d look at is whether or not your ex is an avoidant.

If they are then it’s highly likely that the following cycle occurs,

It’s not a perfect one size fits all explanation for every single situation but it is something we’ve definitely seen in our coaching practice.

Today we’re going to talk about if it’s better to block or ignore your ex.

Ultimately, the decision should be based on your overall goals post breakup.

Of course, there is always more nuance to these discussions so that’s what this article is going to be focused on, the nuance.

Above we already established our sort of rule of thumb.

Realistically, not many people who come to our website have that goal fully figured out. They are stuck on a pendulum constantly swinging back and forth between wanting their ex back one day and then not wanting them.

So, my goal here is to help you make this decision easier and I’d first start by looking at few statistics

Now, I’ve written about the merits of ignoring and blocking an ex quite a lot but what do the statistics actually say.

Well, that’s the thing. There are no legitimate sources of research out there that have done a deep dive into ignoring or blocking an ex.

So, the internal research from our private facebook support group is the best we could do for you.

Let’s first start by talking about ignoring an ex.

When I talk about ignoring an ex I’m really talking about implementing a no contact rule. A self imposed period of time where you are ignoring your ex purely as an opportunity for self growth on your part.

Of course, the no contact rule isn’t meant to be permanent (unless of course we talk about “the block” version but we aren’t doing that here.)

Generally there are three time frames that we’ve historically recommended when it comes to no contact.

The goal with no contact is to get to this place emotionally where you’ve outgrown your ex before you actually begin to establish contact again.

So, the intent to actually start a conversation is always there and that’s what separates “ignoring an ex” from “blocking an ex.”

But what do the statistics say.

Well, we’ve been blessed with some amazing success stories over the years.

If you look at the successes that I’ve interviewed one common theme you’ll find throughout all of them is that the no contact rule is present.

In fact, in a recent study we conducted in 2021 we found that over 90% of our success stories mentioned the no contact rule in their approach to getting their ex back.

This lends further credence to the,

“Ignoring = Get Your Ex Back Approach”

We’ve even gone as far as looking at why ignoring an ex seems to be so effective.

We believe it’s because the average client is trying to get back an ex that leans more towards avoidant.

Let’s use hard data here.

In 2020 I conducted a poll in our private facebook group asking our participants what attachment style they believed their ex was.

More than 400 participants took part.

70% believed their ex was an avoidant.

So, with this knowledge we can safely assume that a lot of times a no contact rule is being used on an avoidant which if you know anything about avoidants you would know is exactly what they want.

In fact, in this video,

I make a strong case that the only way an avoidant will miss you is if they feel comfortable missing you and that usually doesn’t happen until they feel like you’ve moved on.

What does the no contact rule do?

Basically puts forth the fact that you are moving on.

Of course, we still have one fly in the ointment.

In the past I have made some statements based on research I conducted in 2013. Now, I don’t know about you but that’s a long time ago and interestingly, the dating dynamics have seemed to have changed.

So, what was the statement I made?

Close to 80% of people who try the no contact rule will break it at least one time. 

That’s been my rallying cry for years to explain to people that the no contact rule is difficult. Well, what if I were to tell you the stats have changed?

In preparation for this article I ran a poll where I asked,

For those of you who have attempted a no contact rule. How many of you made it through without breaking it at least once?

Here were the results.

So, why the sudden change in statistics? To me, it just means my team and I are doing a better job of educating individuals who attempt the no contact rule the pitfalls of breaking it.

Each time you have to start it over after failing it loses a bit of effectiveness.

Now lets switch gears and talk about blocking an ex.

Blocking an ex is actually my preferred method for getting over an ex.

It may sound harsh but I personally believe that the more you can limit the temptation of talking to an ex the easier it will be to focus your energies within and heal.

Too often have I seen clients try to remain friends with an ex they want to get over only to be caught back up in the on again/off again cycle.

So, blocking an ex should only be used if you want to get over the breakup.

There are a few stipulations I’d like to talk about here though. If you presently find yourself in a situation where you can’t block your ex full out then you are going to have to make a few alterations.

What would a situation like that look like?

In those cases I’d recommend a soft block instead of a hard block.

Now, most of the time when I’m dealing with clients who are on the opposite end of the situation. They are the ones being blocked by their exes and we’ve learned some interesting things about that.

So, most of our clients who find themselves caught up in a situation like this immediately panic because they want to find a way to get unblocked.

And the best advice we can give based on empirical data is to literally do nothing.

Don’t react.

Just wait it out.

70% of the time if you do nothing your ex will unblock you on their own accord.

So, what does that tell us for the discussion we are having in this article?

Simply that the odds of you keeping your ex blocked are pretty low. The single hardest thing you are going to be dealing with is temptation.

These kind of thoughts often lead to a type of pogo sticking effect to occur.

What’s that?

Pogo Sticking: Where you block your ex, then unblock them to see what they are up to only to block them again. And on and on we go.

This is why I’m such a huge proponent of using blocking only if you want to get over your ex. It’s simply a strict way of limiting your distractions.

Take the no contact rule as an example. Theoretically the only difference between a no contact and a block is that with a no contact rule the temptations and distractions are always available to tempt you.

You can see when your ex reaches out to you.

You can see what they are doing on social media.

With a block that goes away. There are no distractions. No facebook stalking or instagram hounding (just made that up.) You get the picture though.

In the end the battle that really matters really happens up here (points to head.)

If you can’t obtain emotional control then everything is all for naught.

Today I’m going to take on one of the most common question dumpees ask about dumpers; Will they come back if they are emotionally unavailable?

Now, just so we’re operating under the same framework I’m going to define a dumper who is emotionally unavailable as someone who,

Is not comfortable sharing feelings or emotions with others. Often they can be even tone deaf to showing any kind of sympathy too.

So, does this type of person ever come back after a breakup?

As you can imagine the answer is a little nuanced but in all I’m going to argue that there’s a point where they have an extreme bout of nostalgia and consider the possibility.

However, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll act on those feelings.

Like I said, it’s complicated.

Luckily for you though, I’m here to hopefully provide some clarity.

I don’t know if it’s just me but I’ve always struggled with diagnosing emotionally unavailable people.

I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery in 2012 and an argument can certainly be made that I was exposed to more emotionally unavailable behavior in the past ten years than I knew what to do with but I still struggled with explaining the root behaviors of why they are emotionally unavailable.

At least, that was until I came up with he following equation.

Emotionally Unavailable Behaviors = Avoidant Behaviors

It may not be fool proof. I’m sure a licensed therapist can find flaws with it. However, in my experience generally that singular equation can help with understanding why an emotionally unavailable person is… well, emotionally unavailable.

Let’s do a quick crash course on what an avoidant is if you don’t already know,

According to Free To Attach, my favorite attachment based website and avoidant attachment is,

Someone with a tendency to emotionally distance themselves from their partner. Their caregivers consistently failed to meet certain needs (such as emotional support), so they learnt to suppress those needs and emotions and to self-soothe, meaning that even though they have a natural human craving for connection, at heart they feel safest alone.

There’s a lot to unpack there so lets dive a bit deeper.

Following the definition above an avoidant is often an avoidant due to their primary caregivers not meeting certain needs.

This teaches them from an early age to self soothe and thus creates a kind of lone wolf complex.

My colleague, Dr. Tyler Ramsey, often will talk about finding an emotionally unavailable dumpers core wound.

According to him, an avoidant has a core wound based around fear. Essentially they fear anyone who threatens their independence which as you can imagine relationships certainly do.

It’s stubbornness on a pretty deep level that is hard to overcome. In fact, I’m reminded of Platos Allegory of The Cave in relation to their behavior.

Imagine you were imprisoned in a cave with other prisoners from an early age. All you see around you is darkness and flickers of shadow due fire in the distance.

This is your entire life. Your entire existence. It’s all you’ve ever known.

Almost no one ever escapes the cave until one day you do. Suddenly you are exposed to the wonders of the outside world and you go through a personal Renaissance learning everything you possibly can.

One day you decide to travel back to the cave and tell the other prisoners there of the wonders of the outside world but you are met with skepticism.

“No, life is not all about this cave. There is a sun, sky, beauty to be found.”

But they aren’t buying it. In fact, they view you with such skepticism that they try to kill you.

Here’s the point. Often with an avoidant trying to convince them that they should be with you after they’ve dumped you is akin to you going back into that cave and convincing the prisoners.

The emotionally unavailable dumper has most likely been avoidant their entire lives. It’s their way of coping. Their only way of knowing how to exist.

You coming and trying to convince them that there’s another way. That you can have a relationship that is healthy, open and secure is met with skepticism.

That’s an assault on their independence and without their independence they’ll be laid bare and that kind of vulnerability is often too difficult for them to bear.

But that doesn’t mean they don’t consider getting back with you. We’ve noticed an interesting thing.

I know I sound like a broken record because I talk about this all the time. In fact, I’ve filmed entire videos on it,

But there will come a time after an emotionally unavailable person has discarded you that they begin to fantasize about you again.

I think one of the reasons I’m so big about hammering this point home is that it really took me personally a long time to figure this out.

Years.

And I feel a little annoyed at how simplistic it seems to people. Often, when I explain this concept to them they’ll roll their eyes and go, “Of course.” Like it was the easiest thing in the world for me to learn.

It’s wasn’t.

I can’t tell you how many thousands of situations I had to study to learn it.

I can’t tell you how many hundreds of clients I had to personally coach and then wait months for their results to prove my hypothesis.

So, here is what we learned.

When an emotionally unavailable person feels like they have their independence again they finally allow themselves to feel nostalgia for that past relationship.

This is making a few assumptions though. If you were too aggressive in your pursuit of fixing the relationship they can sometimes skip over the nostalgia stage and simply just move on.

Additionally, just because they are having nostalgia about you doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll act on their feelings.

You see, emotionally unavailable people often fall victim to the phantom ex syndrome.

I’ll let Free To Attach explain this one,

An avoidant person often has a story of a perfect ex in a relationship that wasn’t fully realised, the ‘one that got away’ to whom no one else can measure up. The phantom ex operates because there is/was distance, not because the relationship was successful. But a fixation with a past partner affects budding new relationships, blocking them from getting close to someone else. Just the knowledge that this person is out there is enough to make any new partner seem insignificant by comparison, a subconscious distancing strategy.

Look at how on brand that is for them. By concocting this idealized partner.

This “one that got away” it’s essentially a perfect excuse to keep all relationship at an arms length. No one will be able to measure up to this perfect person.

Thus, they hold on and protect their independence. So, weirdly fawning over failed relationships is part of their process.

That nostalgia will happen if you give them space because it’s literally their way to protect themselves.

If you’ve been with Ex Boyfriend Recovery from the beginning then perhaps one of the things you may have noticed is that I encourage men and women to be a lot more active than most of my peers.

In truth it’s because I’ve always felt that playing hard to get alone isn’t an effective strategy all the time.

Only when I started learning about attachment styles did I really see this kick into overdrive.

According to a poll in our private facebook support group, most of our clients are dealing with dumpers who are avoidant and emotionally unavailable.

And everything I’ve researched and experienced says that if you just leave an avoidant alone they won’t usually take any meaningful action to “win you back” until WAYY down the road and usually I’m talking about years later.

In fact, we see this happening as early as the no contact rule. Contrary to popular belief most exes will not contact you during the no contact rule,

Why? Because they are avoidant.

Usually our clients have to be active if they want a reconciliation to occur and the key factor that everyone misses in the industry is that timing matters a ton with emotionally unavailable exes.

If you are “being active” in a space where an ex hasn’t hit that nostalgia phase you’ll be looked at as an annoyance.

So, half the battle is about timing your reach outs and value ladder work when an ex is in nostalgia mode but not being overbearing about it.

And the sad fact is that half of the time if you do get these emotionally unavailable exes back the relationships fail half of the time again.

So, I’d greatly encourage you to think carefully before embarking on this adventure. It’s not that it can’t be done. My team and I feel we’ve mastered the art of reconciliation.

It’s more about asking if the dumper is worth the effort.

Today we’re going to be talking about the major stages that a fearful avoidant will go through during a breakup.

And here to help us is one of the best fearful avoidant experts in the world, Dr. Tyler Ramsey, to help dissect the stages.

According to Dr. Ramsey there are five key stages that a fearful avoidant will go through and oddly they are very similar to the dismissive avoidant stages we talked about in a previous article.

The five stages are,

First things first though, before we jump into talking about the stages of a fearful avoidant it’s probably a good idea to explain the difference between a dismissive avoidant and a fearful avoidant.

In order to properly explain this concept we first need to really understand two opposing insecure attachment styles.

You probably already know this as its been talked about on this website ad nauseam.

However, we haven’t talked a lot about the difference between dismissive and fearful avoidants.

A great cheat sheet you can use if you are confused is to simply think of the classifications this way,

According To Dr Ramsey,

Really you have this unique dynamic with a fearful avoidant that has both qualities from within in so they have that anxious side to them, that’s basically craving a relationship. But also at the same time, they’re afraid to lose themselves in a relationship, their independence, their vulnerability, relying on someone. So you see them battle back and forth between the two. And that’s why they’re actually labeled fearful, because they desire a relationship but they’re afraid of it.

So, by his own admission Dr. Ramsey modeled the stages that a fearful avoidant is going to go through during a breakup after this video and article,

However, while they may sound similar there are subtle tweaks and differences that make all the difference in the world.

Almost all avoidants, no matter fearful or dismissive are going to have this first stage of avoiding all things about the other person but interestingly, a fearful avoidant, even though they have anxious qualities, they actually shut down and they deactivate more so than a dismissive avoidant.

Which you wouldn’t really expect.

It’s very interesting that they do these things, and it’s usually for a couple of weeks where they are just full blown, really trying to suppress those thoughts down.

Often you’ll see a lot of a fearful avoidants exhibit bad behaviors that may have been present in previous years.

Some of the most common coping mechanisms we’ve seen them engage in is,

I guess the more interesting question to ask at this point is why? What’s the psychology behind why they are engaging in these seemingly self destructive behaviors.

Dr Ramsey offers his take,

I think it’s because they have a lot of inconsistency within their past life. Usually what happens is a previous caregiver, was so inconsistent during their upbringing it impacts them on a profound level.

Eventually that suppression can’t last forever and some of those suppressed feelings can begin to bubble to the surface.

Most of the time, they really tried to convince themselves that they have no feelings for you.

For them, this was a relationship that should have ended and usually it’s from an emotionally based decision.

They’re very emotionally based decision makers, where if something ignites, it ignites right there, then they’re like, Absolutely not, I have to get away.

But they recover quicker, too, because they have that pendulum like anxious and avoidant cycle where as soon as you give them their space, and you let them sit on it for a little while, they come out of it, they sober up in there, they start thinking more logically instead of emotionally.

Usually it’s because they’ve removed themselves from that scary environment.

As a result, that’s why you might see them start to have their feelings bubble to the surface.

But this is assuming you are giving that fearful avoidant ex some space.

Stage two is all about feelings being bubbled to the surface if you give them space but what happens if you don’t give them space?

Are they just kind of stuck perpetually in that first stage?

I put this question to Dr. Ramsey. Here was his answer,

Yeah, they stay in that first stage. It’s almost similar to the dismissive avoidant, you just reignite their avoidance all over again and they just push you away further. When an anxious person does go and try to contact a fearful avoidant over and over and over you do push them away further and they feel more firm in their decision, because you’re recreating that emotional kind of situation all over again.

Yeah, so the third stage is really where things start to change a little bit more from the dismissive avoidant stages because you actually kind of see their anxious side getting triggered a lot.

It’s best to look at their behaviors similar to that of a pendulum.

Swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other.

Most like to think there’s an even split of how a fearful avoidant is half anxious or half avoidant but that’s actually not correct.

Rather a more accurate split is, 60/40 or 70/30.

And so depending upon if they’re more anxious or avoidant, they’re gonna sober up and they’re going to potentially try and reconcile with the relationship.

But when that happens, they have this ability to re suppress like a dismissive avoidant as well.

So, in the interview with Dr. Ramsey he gave some insight into the complicated nature of fearful avoidant thoughts,

And what makes this trigger is their anxiousness getting to them too much, or what’s actually going on in their life. Currently, they’re feeling alone, they’re feeling like they can’t get anyone else, then they’re more likely to reconcile because they’re more anxious. And you’ll see sometimes and it’s probably like a 50/50 shot, a fearful avoidant will actually reach out to you. During that time, it’s not always the case. But the reason why they may not reach out is because they are afraid of being rejected all over again, or feeling that pain all over again, that they tried to avoid previous. So that’s why it’s a 50/50 shot if they’ll reach out. And it doesn’t mean that they don’t want to reconcile, if they don’t reach out, it just means they’re too scared to put their, you know, vulnerability on the line.

Ultimately this is the stage where you see a lot of mixed signals and for many who date these individuals it can feel like they’re almost dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Either the Re suppression or the rejection will win out eventually and they will try and begin to move on.

But it’s interesting to note that this stage can potentially never occur if you push them too far with anxious behavior. This is all assuming you are giving that fearful avoidant space.

If that’s the case, then usually they themselves are tired of being bitten by that anxious part within them.

Honestly, in a lot of ways, fearful avoidants are very complex people.

They’re not this just cookie cutter kind of person.

Really, I think if you are very anxious towards them they are still very empathetic people, so they feel bad for hurting you.

They’ll feel bad for making you feel that anxiousness. And so they don’t typically hit that point of no return until after you triggered them a few times.

Often you’ll have to continuously do it over and over and over and over to where what happens is it becomes too much of a burden on them.

They feel so bad, because they have such a core wound of feeling like they’re not good enough.

And that’s actually what an anxious person is reconfirming to them that they’re never good enough.

Because they’re reaching out saying they didn’t do these things for them.

Or why how could you treat me like this?

So they eventually just push you away completely forever, because you’re too dangerous to them and you’re too emotionally volatile.

It can make them feel so bad about themselves that they can’t handle it anymore.

And so it’s an interesting concept because anxious people don’t always think that way but they are honestly reconfirming to a fearful avoidant, their deep core wound over and over.

Stage five is all about the fearful avoidant getting hit with these waves of nostalgia about your relationship.

When eventually the FA (fearful avoidant) becomes more stabilized when they feel ok and a lot of time has passed they can actually sometimes enter this phantom ex stage.

They’ll start thinking,

“Man I missed this about my ex.” “I remember how good it felt during that one time.” etc.

And so they get caught up in the cyclic nostalgia loop but that nostalgia loop isn’t always enough to make them want to come back.

Remember, they almost like having the phantom ex ideal in their head.

In fact, according to Dr. Ramsey,

One of the hard truths is that a lot of times a fearful avoidant will attempt to cope with rebound after rebound after rebound. They’re very subject to rebounds because they have that anxious side of them. They can fall victim to that honeymoon phase. They’ll just go from one to the 111th person to the next but after a while they get tired of it. They re-reflect back on themselves and go, “gosh, maybe I had it good for with that one person from way long ago, maybe I’m never gonna find someone, maybe, you know, I’m gonna spend my life alone forever.” Why can’t I stay in a relationship for so long?

It’s usually at that point that they go back and they revisit that one.

And so you’ll see that happen a lot. In fact, most of the time typically has to pass before they do something like that.

Another interesting thing we’ve found about rebounds is that they play this strange comparison game.

Since often they’re rebounding what they’ll do is constantly compare every person to the key core characteristics they prefer in a partner.

They have this warped sense of reality where they think relationships should be perfect with no hardship, no emotional vulnerability.

And if it does have that, then it’s not the right person.

And they blame it on that and they break up. And so because they have all of these people that they have crossed compared on this person offered this and this one did this, and this person that I’m looking for should have all of these things, and I shouldn’t have to work hard at all.

According to Dr. Ramsey,

I think the biggest difference between a dismissive and a fearful is the fact that one has a high self esteem and one doesn’t. It’s the fearful avoidant that has the low self esteem.

Ultimately you’ll see that type of behavior play out consistently throughout their relationships.

Today I’d like to explore exactly when the dumper can start missing the dumpee.

And really I think there are three specific things to touch on with this topic.

So, if you’re ready to go all in on understanding the psychology of a dumper then let’s just jump right in.

It wouldn’t be a “Chris Seiter” article without me saying something controversial. So, let’s just get this out of the way.

In most cases, if you give your ex enough space, they will at some point miss you.

Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to get on their hands and knees and beg for you back.

For some the “missing emotion” can be fleeting. For others, all consuming.

In all though, yes, there’s a high likelihood that the dumper will miss the ex at some point.

This is where things can get a bit complicated because the answer to this is yes as well.

A few weeks ago I conducted an interview with one of the Ex Recovery Coaches, Dr. Tyler Ramsey and we were talking about the major stages an avoidant will go through after a breakup.

He said something incredibly insightful.

He essentially argued that as long as the dumper isn’t overcome with their anxious side that if they give a fearful avoidant enough space that they will likely be hit with these bouts of nostalgia.

If you aren’t familiar with the concept of avoidant nostalgia I highly recommend you read this article and watch this video,

In a nutshell the video argues that all avoidants are overcome with nostalgia when they feel like their ex partner has moved on from them.

Only then do they feel safe enough to “miss them.”

Of course, what if the dumpee never gives the dumper that kind of space?

What if the dumpee is caught up trying to “fix” the relationship to the point that they become overbearing for the dumper?

In that case then the dumper will be brought back to the trauma of the breakup and ultimately want to avoid you.

So, weirdly YOU can be responsible for your ex not missing you after a breakup if you can’t obtain emotional control.

Crazy, right?

But there’s one other bit of complication that I feel is important to bring to the forefront and that’s looking at gender differences in how breakups are handled.

I only bring this up because over 90% of our clients are female and for many of them there’s a disconnect for them when it comes to understanding what is going on in their ex boyfriends mind.

Now, you may be a male reading this and that’s fine. Still, I’d encourage you to listen intently because it’ll help inform you on the major misconception most people have about breakups.

Ok, so our head coach, Anna Gonowon, wrote this really amazing post on our facebook group essentially analyzing how men and women handled breakups.

The general stereotypes are what you would expect.

BUT what does the research say?

Well, weirdly they kind of back this up. According to Coach Anna,

Men feel bummed, though, and they express it too. In that same study men reported more feelings of anger and they tend to engage in more self destructive behaviors than women. Women in comparison, frequently feel more depressed and participate in more social, affiliative behaviors than men. Women’s behaviors could be argued to be more constructive strategies as a result of their tendency to preserve the relationship whereas men choose destructive strategies for maintaining their own self esteem.

But here’s the thing. There’s more to it than meets the eye. Once again, quoting Anna,

So maybe the real story should go something like this:

So, what does any of this have to do with a dumper missing you?

Well, assuming your dumper is a male it’s entirely possible that there’s an internal battle going on that you aren’t even aware of because they’ve become so adept at covering it up.

You read their silence as if they aren’t broken up about the breakup at all when the inferno inside them is consuming them.

And I think it’s all rooted in attachment styles.

I know I say this in pretty much every article I write now-a-days but that’s only because it’s so relevant to most of our clients.

Statistically most of our clients are going through breakups with exes that are avoidants.

What does this mean?

Well, I’ll just refer you to the definition from my favorite attachment website in the world, Free To Attach,

People with avoidant attachment have the tendency to emotionally distance themselves from their partner.

Generally speaking they emotionally distance themselves from their partners when they feel as if they’re losing their independence.

And that harkens back to something our very own Dr. Ramsey calls the core wound.

According to him every attachment style has a core wound. Those with an avoidant style usually have a core wound that revolves around a loss of independence.

They’re afraid to commit because they feel like they’ll lose their independence in a relationship.

We can spend all day talking about trigger points and things of that nature but I’d like to cut directly to the heart of the matter.

What does the avoidant attachment style have to do with missing a dumpee?

Well, believe it or not but understanding the stages an avoidant will go through throughout a relationship cycle can help you understand around when they’ll miss you.

And for that we need to once again turn to a personal concept I came up I like to call the avoidant self fulfilling cycle.

Take a look at this graphic.

This is what I like to the avoidant self fulfilling cycle and before you ask me questions about if it applies to “all avoidants” I’m going to say that it doesn’t.

Nothing “cookie cutter” can ever encompass everything perfectly but as a general rule I have seen this play out time and time again across avoidant attachment styles as a whole.

Yes, that means if your ex is a fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant they can go through these stages.

Because ultimately the crux of the concept of the avoidant self fulfilling cycle is that the avoidant is caught in this cycle going from relationship to relationship.

More on that in a moment.

For now let me just familiarize you with the basic stages of which there are eight.

Now, what I find fascinating about the cycle is that it’s powered based on an aspect of nostalgia and desire if you really think about it.

You have the avoidant starting in a place of desperation. They’ll often think,

And they’re constantly searching for a way to recreate that feeling.

In an odd way they have a lot in common with drug addicts looking for their next fix.

But they naturally self sabotage when they get into a relationship after they’ve gotten their fix and perhaps the most strange part of the phenomenon is they aren’t aware they are doing this to themselves.

And so often with Avoidants you’ll find they have quite a history of past partners.

Jumping from one relationship to the next. Yearning for an impossible partner.

So, it seems pretty gloomy, right?

Well, not really when it comes to pinpointing when the dumper will start missing the dumpee. The truth is that usually around stage seven of the self fulfilling process is when they are most likely to experience feelings of nostalgia.

The disconnect for many of our clients occurs because when they come to us their exes are sitting promptly in the middle of stage six.

It seems like the dumper is over the moon about dumping you and so my job (as well as the coaches of this program) is to educate you on what the post breakup period really looks like.

And part of that is managing expectations when it comes to time frames.

I think I was doing a Facebook Live in our private facebook group with Coach Anna a long time ago and we started bantering back and forth about attachment styles when she said something that stuck with me to this day.

Your perception of time during the no contact rule can change based on your attachment style.

And while we aren’t really talking about the no contact rule in this article I feel like there’s enough of connection to bring it up.

Lately if you’ve watched any of my more recent YouTube videos I’ve been talking about this concept of time dilation based on attachment styles.

I use the 30 day no contact rule to really put it in perspective for a lot of people.

Now, I bring this up for a few reasons. Firstly, that vast majority of our clients are the dumpees.

Second, most of our clients exes, who are the dumpers, tend to be avoidant.

Thus, it’s important to understand that on average it’s going to take longer than you probably think before the dumper is hit with that nostalgia that can make them miss you.

But what’s a realistic time frame.

It goes without saying that really we’re focusing on this area of the cycle,

So, in 2021 I posted a study I did on how long it took our average client to get an ex back (since that’s what they hired us for.)

I took 9 random success stories and simply looked at how long it took them to get back into a relationship with their ex.

Here they were,

That averages together at 3.4 months.

Oh, and I believe that’s when they started working with us. So, if they were trying to get their ex back for ten months before they came into our orbit I didn’t count that in the data.

So, I think this creates a great baseline for when you can expect an ex to “miss you.”

Of course, the question gets kind of tricky because many avoidant exes above probably began missing the dumpee before they actually admitted it out loud.

But something tells me you are far more interested in a verbal acknowledgement of “missing.”

If that’s the case I think using our baseline gives you a great indicator on when you can expect a dumper to start missing you.

However, there is one factor that can ruin your chances. As stated above, if you don’t leave that avoidant ex alone they might never enter the nostalgia phase.

It’s so hard for many of our anxious clients to do this because naturally they want to fix their relationship as soon as possible.

But this is one scenario where patience really is a virtue.

Today we’re going to be talking about exactly how to know if your ex is confused.

And I brought in our very own Dr. Tyler Ramsey to help us with this.

According to him, the very best way to determine if your ex is confused is to take a long look at the actions versus words approach.

In other words,

Always pay attention to what your ex is doing as far as their actions are concerned because you’ll learn a lot about a person based on how they act as opposed to what they say.

Of course there’s layers to this and so the rest of this article is going to be dedicated to answering one singular question. How do you interpreted your exes mixed signals towards you? Are they confused?

Well, let’s find out.

For the average person what does mixed signals post breakup look like?

According to Dr. Ramsey,

Generally what you’re going to see is hot and cold patterns where one day your ex is texting you very frequently and then the next they’re falling off the map.

But what’s really going on here?

Well, I think to answer that we need to take a hard look at the many different types of “mixed signals” that exes will exhibit when they are confused.

Unfortunately, this is a really common mixed signal we see throughout our coaching practice.

So, how does this work?

Essentially your ex is willing to sleep with you but they’re not willing to commit to you. Which is just kind of showing that they still want that connection with you but they’re not sure if they want to fully commit because that takes on an additional amount of vulnerability and accountability which adds pressure on them

Personally what I’ve always found interesting about the Friends with Benefits type situation is the inherent contradiction of of it, you know, you have this relationship with someone and then that person breaks up with you.

That’s them saying,

I’m not interested in you at all. But the Friends with Benefits aspect kind of indicates they are interested.

If you follow my actions vs words credo above then technically speaking it would seem as if your ex is unbelievably interested in you, right?

They still want to sleep with you at all so that has to count for something, right?

Again, I’m going to turn to our very own Dr. Ramsey to answer this one.

Yeah, I think I think a lot of it is the fact that in this situation they are dealing with feelings, and they’re not sure exactly what to do with those feelings. My assessment would be that it’s a little bit too painful for them to cut you completely out of their life. Additionally, they’re probably not sure if they’re ready to take on a full commitment again so a lot of the times you see friends with benefits in a more avoidant person, just because the additional vulnerability that you need in order to make your time together into a full relationship is hard.

Ultimately what the good doctor is saying is that they still want to hold on to a small piece of your time together without fully committing.

In fact, Dr. Ramsey and I did an interview a few weeks ago where we talked about this idea of an addiction and how sometimes when you go through a breakup you get addicted to looking at peoples social media behaviors and he brought up this really interesting scientific fact about the nucleus accumbens which is a specific part of the brain.

In fact, even Coach Anna talked about this concept in her latest article.

According to her,

Physically, there are three areas of the brain involved in heartbreak, and those areas are:

But what’s super interesting about the Nucleus Accumbens is the fact that when it isn’t being used it can literally shrink.

Picking back up on another quote from Dr. Ramsey,

What I tell people often is that the brain is like a need heating machine. It will get its needs met regardless and that addiction part of it is actually something that contributes to it, and when it doesn’t, then it will go find it. A lot of the times, that’s a really quick fix. And so that’s why you typically see people entering into this friends with benefits situation. That’s why I tell a lot of my clients that if you’re in this situation you really have to set boundaries within it, because your ex is almost always going to keep you in this limbo, because it is a quick fix. And if you’re if you’re essentially agreeing to it, then you’re essentially saying you’re okay with being treated in the friendzone

Let’s talk about the next confusion sign.

So, what is future pacing?

Again, and I know this seems like a common theme but that’s because both Dr. Ramsey and I partnered on this article I’m going to turn the floor over to him.

Future pacing occurs when your ex makes comments about the future but never actually acts on those comments.

Some of the most common examples are them saying,

Oh, when we move in together Oh, when we buy this house together Oh, when we go to this place together

Ultimately future pacing is a good indication that your ex is confused.

One of the interesting things I’ve noticed from when I first started studying attachment styles is that a phoneme on I’ve noticed in studies is that avoidants often fall victim to these small bouts of nostalgia.

And this is often why exes can reach out to you from out of nowhere.

Maybe this is kind of like falling victim to that on a smaller level with future pacing.

So, what does this actually look like?

Well, often it’s those things they say during the actual breakup that stick with you the longest.

Painful, right?

But the odd part is that on social media a different narrative is occurring.

Sure, they might feel like they’re happy without you but then they get depressed on social media posting all those sappy things that you see on their story on how they’re not doing well.

Or they need someone in their life to fill a void, those kinds of things.

Here’s an excerpt taken directly from an interview with Dr. Ramsey that I think sums this up perfectly,

And I think a lot of people are very aware when those things do occur. And so that’s, that’s a really good indication of showing actions and words, because they’re telling you one thing and doing another, and a lot of people will tell you, and I think that goes across all attachment styles is that, you know, I’m fine. I’m fine, I’m fine. And then I’m not really, because admitting some kind of weakness, or they’re trying to convince themselves that they are, but they’re not.

I mean, how often have we been in relationships with a partner and there’s this inherent sense that something is off you can tell it in your gut.

Ultimately this sign is kind of like the extreme version of that idea. And the fact that these people are they’re putting on the front and the opposite way. They’re saying, like, Hey, I’m fine. Without you. I don’t need you. But that’s not the case, you know, the actions are taking, you’re indicating they’re kind of depressed after a breakup.

Which leads us to our next sign.

I know I’ve used this reference before but I’m going to do it again because I think it’s perfect for explaining this mixed signal.

There’s this whole How I Met Your Mother skit on that idea of keeping someone you like on a hook.

The classic, “I’m not ready for a relationship… Right now…”

Insinuating that there;’s still a chance.

Of course, there’s tons of variations of this. Another classic is, “Maybe in the future?”

Ultimately my take on it is maybe a little unique because personally I feel like if I’m putting myself in this position and I’ll preface this by saying that I have definitely been on both the receiving end and the giving end of this excuse.

I feel like every time I’ve ever said that it was more to spare the other person’s feelings which I realize is a backwards thought because all it does is give them false hope when there’s no potential hope.

But the common theme that seems to be developing is that really what we’re trying to get you to see is the words aren’t as important as actions actions.

Jordan Peterson gives this really great lecture on something Carl Jung said,

If you can’t figure out what someone is doing or why, look at the outcome and infer the motivation.

Of course, this is just a really fancy way of saying that actions matter more than words when trying to understand the psychology of a human.

Today we’re going to take a hard look at dumpers and answer if you can expect them to stalk you on social media.

And I brought on our very own Dr. Tyler Ramsey to help. (Yep, just a few days ago Dr. Tyler literally became certified.)

Ultimately, we are of the belief that in most cases dumpers do “stalk” their exes on social media. In fact, there are multiple ways in which they do that.

And that’s what this article is really going to be about.

Let’s get started.

This entire article is comprised of the notes from an interview I did with Dr. Ramsey, one of our ex recovery coaches.

(You can see that podcast episode above by simply clicking the play button. Additionally, it’s why Dr. Ramsey gets credit for writing this article .)

In the interview he provided some incredible insights that I’m going to get to in a moment.

But usually my “go to” research that I point people towards when they ask me if I think their ex is stalking them is this article from the huffington post,

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/nearly-90-percent-of-people-creep-facebook_n_1687424

While it’s a bit dated (the study was done in 2012) I have found it to be incredibly relevant today. Essentially it argues that close to 90% of exes will “facebook creep” you after a breakup.

So, statistically speaking there is a high likelihood your ex is going to be stalking you on social media.

Additionally Dr. Tyler brought up some really fascinating studies on why exes can get caught up in this addictive behavior after a breakup.

This concept taken from Dr. Ramsey so I claim no credit for it.

There’s this really small place in your brain called the nucleus accumbins. It’s best to think of it as the dopamine receptor that creates this feeling of euphoria.

Essentially any time you think, “Oh wow, this is great. This feels amazing.”

That’s the nucleus accumbins firing. So, during the honeymoon period with your ex that sucker is firing on all cylinders.

Suddenly a breakup occurs and it turns off. When that happens the nucleus accumbins can literally shrink due to the sense of loss.

So, engaging in behaviors such as “facebook stalking” or “instagram story spying” is essentially a dumpers way of trying to re-engage that nucleus accumbins or at least falling victim to it.

All of this is to say that scientifically and statistically the odds are definitely in your favor that a dumper is going to be “stalking you” on social media.

That’s a really great question.

Generally the behavior falls into three distinct categories.

Honestly nothing too revolutionary. Where things get tricky is how our clients often react to the stalking.

Many of our clients need affirmation to determine if dumpers are stalking them.

They need to see their ex watching their instagram story. They need to see their ex unblocking them.

The truth is many times you aren’t able to tell if they are stalking you because they tend to be secretive about it.

And so that’s where an addiction of our clients own making can begin but more on that in a second.

I’d actually like to talk about some controversial.

So, this is where things get really complicated. Most people generally assume that an ex who has blocked them doesn’t want anything to do with them.

However, that’s generally not what we’ve found across the board. In fact, Dr. Ramsey really hammers home this point that when he coaches clients his top client fear is,

“Are they done with me?”

Well, the way to look at blocking specifically is that it’s an emotional reaction.

We know that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

A dumper who was truly over you wouldn’t block you. I mean, they definitely could but they wouldn’t engage in something I lovingly refer to “the pogo sticking effect.”

Ok, let’s pretend that I’ve blocked you on Facebook. I want nothing to do with you. You can rot in h*ll for all I care.

(I’m playing the role of an ex boyfriend who is really rude. I need to get in character . )

A few days go by and naturally I get curious as to what you are up to so I quickly unblock you to check out your profile. Once I am satisfied I go back to blocking you.

I do this four or five more times over the coming weeks.

This is the pogo sticking effect. Essentially it’s where an ex blocks you and then unblocks you. Back and forth. Time and time again.

And I think it’s really important for us to take a look at some of the top reasons for why people block after a breakup.

One of the most interesting things that Dr. Ramsey brought up in his interview was the following excerpt,

“Sometimes if you act like the breakup wasn’t a big deal and you basically accept the breakup they (the dumper) starts to feel like they are losing a bit of that control and it can almost make them question their decision to break up with you. “

This can actually play in to that pogo sticking affect as well and the stalking concept in general.

But this leads me to the final point I’d like to make about dumpers and stalking.

I don’t think so.

When you “stalk” or “Facebook creep” it can become habitual and it no longer becomes about feeding into your anxiety. It’s often because of a habit.

Think of it like this.

Let’s say that every morning at eight you get up and drink your cup of coffee. While you are doing that you go into social media mode and the first profile you look at is your exes.

At first it’s purely led by your anxiety post breakup but as time continues to march on it becomes less about that and ingrained as a habit.

You get up, you drink your cup of coffee every day at eight in the morning. You check on your exes profile. That’s just the way it’s going to be.

Obviously we don’t want our clients overly focused on their exes post breakup. We want them focused on themselves and improving their lives.

It’s cliche I know but sometimes cliche works.

So, the question now becomes how do you break the habit?

Most people tend to recognize that they are doing this and they want to break the unhealthy habit but most people fail.

Why?

Well, they treat it kind of like a New Years resolution. I mean, we’ve all been there. We set a goal. We go from 0-100 to achieve that goal and ultimately we lose focus and fail that goal.

Dr. Ramsey makes the case to not go 0 to 100. Instead, do it in increments. If you are looking at your exes profile ten times a day back it down to nine the next day and so on and so forth.

Break the habit in a small way. Try not to do it all at once and you’ll find your life is a bit easier.

Today we’re going to talk about the best way to tell a guy that you like him without getting rejected.

The trap most women fall into when they want to tell a guy they like him is they play too hard to get.

Here’s how it typically goes,

So, there is a decision to be made:

Let’s look at those individuals who don’t take action.

If you don’t take action on telling a guy you like him expect the following things to happen,

Now, I don’t know about you but something tells me these scenarios don’t seem very attractive for you.

Which leaves you with one option.

In a dream world, you could approach your crush, declare your love for them, and receive an honest appraisal of their feelings in return.

But, unfortunately, things are never that simple in real life. So, what does this leave you with? Simply put you can do something about it.

You can take actions on your own, enlist the help of others, or do both. Communicating that you do like someone can be done in one of three ways:

But before we really dive in on these three essential tenets we need to talk about timing.

Regardless of what action you decide to take, you have to make decisions regarding timing.

Timing plays a significant role in communicating whether you like someone.

What we see often in popular culture, especially in the United States, Canada, and parts of Western Europe and Russia, is the idea of just telling someone immediately or fairly immediately and directly that you like them. Even when preparing for this discussion, I immediately thought,

“Duh, just tell the person you like him, her, or them. What do you mean how?”

Then, I realized that I have never told someone that I liked him shortly after I realized that I was attracted to them.

So, that straightforward answer isn’t the answer that works in real life.

That’s where timing comes in: it’s better to lay a foundation for attraction first.

Whether you communicate attraction directly, ask your friends to smooth the path or get involved somehow, or do both, you should put some time into laying the groundwork.

Research at different business schools say that a person is more likely to say yes to something if you have experiences in which they first say yes, feel understood, and feel excited and interesting.

Technically this is an extension of the Benjamin Franklin Effect.

Benjamin Franklin Effect: Contrary to popular belief doing a favor for someone makes you more like to do another favor for you as opposed to the other way around.

Depending on how your crush interacts with you, you can determine whether your crush reciprocates your feelings.

1. Maintaining eye contact.

According to a study by Harvard psychologist Zick Rubin, couples who are really in love look at each other while they were talking 75 percent of the time, so try to resist the urge to nervously look away.

2. Be interested in who they are as a person and listen to everything they say.

According to studies by the University of Nevada and the University of Washington, being a good listener is a huge part of having someone fall in love with you. People love it when other people take an interest in them and don’t immediately change the conversation so they can talk about themselves right away. Ask follow-up questions and respond warmly to what the other person is saying.

3. Notice what hobbies and interests they have.

Science tells us that people tend to fall in love with those who are very similar to themselves.

Studies have linked similar backgrounds and similar levels of physical attractiveness to the process of falling in love. It’s a terrible idea to try to change yourself in order to have more in common with or please somebody else.

However, if your crush has a hobby that you have had an interest in, it’s time to drive into that hobby, too.

For example, if you share a class or lab with them, look over at what they’re doing and say, “Hmmm, that looks pretty good.” This (then point) looks especially interesting. “What’s that about?”

4. Make them feel appreciated and special.

48 percent of couples have said they don’t feel appreciated by their partner, so if you can make your crush feel like you appreciate everything they do and everything they are, they’re more likely to fall for you.

Building off of our class or lab example above, you could then say, “Hey, look at what I’m doing here. What do you think of it?” Then listen to what they have to say and respond with, “That’s insightful. I hadn’t thought of that, so thank you for pointing that out.”

5. Flirt The Correct Way

• Smile a lot. Body language studies say that smiling makes you look more attractive, more engaging, and it makes you look like a winner, all of which increase how hot and confident you look to someone who you’re hoping will become your person.

• Touch them more often. If your crush is male, touching your crush often increases a sense of comfort and intimacy with them. So little arm touches when your crush is around are actually working in your favor in a big way. Now, if your crush identifies as female, you have to avoid non-consensual touching.

6. Embrace what the other person is most passionate about.

When someone talks about something they’re really passionate about, they’re often sharing a part of themselves that’s vulnerable, so if you can appreciate that thing they love, they’re likely to be crazy about you in return.

Again building off the class/lab example above, let’s say that you overhear your crush mention to friends that he or she loves movies and movie marathons. Then, you notice that your crush is wearing a movie t-shirt. You could then say, “That’s my favorite movie! What do you like about it?” At the end of class, you could say, “I gotta get home, but I’m looking forward to seeing if your next movie t-shirt is of my second favorite movie.”

7. Bond over an adrenaline rush

There’s a connection between adrenaline rushes and sexual attraction. Test subjects were put in a scary situation (a shaky bridge), and then had to rate their feelings toward other participants. Compared to the control group who were on a safe, non-rickety bridge, the people who thought their lives were in danger were much more attracted to their fellow test subject. Roller-coaster date might be a perfect (and much safer) choice.

8. Play hard to get and utilize the Zeignarik Effect

According to the “scarcity principle” invented by psychologist and author Robert Cialdini, objects that are rare, unique, or limited in time will make people desire them more. In one study of college students, four women were shown pictures of men they were told either liked them “a lot,” “an average amount,” or who “were uncertain of their feelings,” and then we’re asked to rate how attractive they found each photo. If you guessed that they found the “uncertain of their feelings” guys the most attractive, you’d be correct.

Much of this is straight out of an MBA program and any reading that any lawyer, sales, marketing, communications, or organizational executive would do.

People who are good at influencing others find ways to gather people together and get them to buy into a common goal (e.g., celebrate a birthday), initiative (e.g., watch all Marvel movies in chronological order), or solve some problem (e.g., we haven’t gathered in one place since the pandemic began).

They also find natural ways to be front and center from time to time; hence, perhaps you’re organizing parties or get togethers.

Make it clear that you’re single and looking to date a person who has certain characteristics – be sure to list the outstanding positive characteristics of your crush When you’re evaluating Sphere of Influence, ask yourself some questions:

You will have your highest chances of your crush reciprocating your feelings if you have a good handle on Sphere of Influence and are effectively interacting with your crush directly.

But what would this actually look like?

In an interview I did with Chris he tells the story of how he tried to tell a crush that he liked her.

He created a study group for the sole purpose of flirting with this girl inviting other people along to make her feel more comfortable. This would be classified as an indirect method.

Of course, during the study group he tried some very light flirting with her. This would be our direct method.

Think of the combination factor as combining the best aspects of both direct and indirect approaches.

Today we’re going to be talking about exactly how to handle accidentally seeing your ex in person.

Specifically I’d like to divide this article up into the following categories.

Let’s begin!

Regardless of how you broke up, who broke up with whom, why you broke up, and what’s happened post-breakup, seeing an ex accidentally in public is going to be AT LEAST somewhat awkward for both of you.

No matter how calmly or “fine” your ex may appear, all exes will feel at least a short, sudden rush (interpreted as shock or surprise), followed immediately by uncertainty, and then an outward/visible attempt to appear at ease.

What is unlikely to happen is your ex running to you with arms wide open, asking how you are, telling you how much they missed you, and asking for you back.

What actually happens in the interaction is completely up to you, and, to make the most of that interaction, you should be prepared.

I’ve put together a list of rules, based on gender, on how you should be approaching things.

Describe to yourself a woman – fictional or real life – that you believe is strong, confident, carries herself well, and radiates both power and attractiveness.

This woman has true “main character” energy or vibes.

Now, imagine this woman went through a breakup that is similar to yours in terms of who broke up with whom, general reasons for the breakup, the presence/absence of fighting, and what, if anything, that happened post-breakup.

Suddenly, this woman sees her/their ex while out in public.

What would that character do?

What do you think this woman’s ex would think on seeing HER accidentally?

What would be going through her/their ex’s mind? Another way to think about it is…what do you value most about yourself?

Is it your friendliness, your humor, your happiness, your intelligence, your loyalty?

Whatever you value the most, fully step into those values for those moments when you interact with your ex.

Although most cultures raise men to initiate interactions, in the situation of an accidental run-in in public, women should be prepared to initiate and to chat with an ex at least a few minutes.

For LGBTQ couples, women should expect to first catch the eye of the ex, wave in a friendly and gentle way, and make your way to your ex at a normal pace and assuming the ex is a few feet away.

Do not try to impress or show off to your ex, and do not ask your ex about anything that could make your ex feel bad or references the past.

Also, if you are still angry or sad, focus on being pleasant in that moment with your ex and exit as quickly and gracefully as you can – getting on the phone with your closest friend, your therapist, your coach, your family member as soon as possible to rehash.

Do not ask if your ex misses you, thinks about the past, or regrets anything — UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO HEAR AND ADDRESS THE WORST.

Moments such as those are the absolute worst timing to have such conversations; there’s time later to have them and in a way that stacks the probability of a favorable outcome.

Compliment your ex or, in the very least, note that you appreciate the chat but you have to go.

In many cultures around the world, men bear the burden of initiating or being on the offensive in social interactions.

So, if you see your ex accidentally, you should be prepared to smile, wave gently and in a friendly way, and, if you are within a few feet of each other or less, walk up to your ex at a normal pace.

Do not run away.

Do not turn away from your ex and walk quickly in the opposite direction.

Remember, no matter how your ex may appear, internally your ex is also on his/her/their own rollercoaster of emotions:

If you approach the situation with a positive frame of mind, understand generally how you’re doing to behave, and plan to exit after a short while, you are going to be fine.

Similar to women, men should have a general gameplan in their minds regarding what to do and what to say if they see their exes in public.

Like women, men should assume that there will be some awkwardness, surprise/shock, and an attempt to appear “okay”.

Think back to what you value in yourself as a person – not your physical characteristics, your job/school, your friends, family or network – as that is most likely what your ex valued in you during your relationship.

For example, you may be a smart, funny, down-to-earth person who listens well and asks good questions.

Whatever you value most in yourself as a person, lead with those characteristics in mind.

Do not try to impress or show off to your ex, and do not ask your ex about anything that could make your ex feel bad or references the past.

Do not ask if your ex misses you, misses experiences with you, or any similar emotional conversation – UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO HEAR AND ADDRESS THE WORST.

Moments such as those are the absolute worst timing to have such conversations; there’s time later to have them and in a way that stacks the probability of a favorable outcome. Compliment your ex or, in the very least, note that you appreciate the chat but you have to go.

In this section I’d like to talk through some specific scenarios we’ve seen in our coaching practice and how to handle them.

Let’s begin!