The Gender Knot

It’s a big cliché that men are scared to commit, don’t want to be tied down, are always ‘hitting the road’ and leaving promising relationships with women. 

Today’s guest thinks this is a simply not true and actually leads to us all suffering and having worse relationships. We dive into the nuances. 

Note: The Gender Knot will be back in early October - we are taking a break during September but will be back in a few weeks. Write to us in the meantime! 

Guest: Dan Carroll, co-host of the podcast Fine and Dandy with Dan and Andy https://fineanddandypod.com/

Host and producer: Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-Far

Co-host: Jonathan Freeman

Co-producers: Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell  

Additional links: Gender Knot merch available at TeePublic https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-gender-knot

The Gender Knot podcast https://www.thegenderknot.com/ and Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/

Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)

Why is shame such an issue for men despite the privileges men still have in almost all societies? Is privilege itself part of the problem, and what can be done to tackle this issue? Women are also being vocal about their experiences due to toxic masculinity and also male shame. Where does this leave men as they try to grapple with their own experiences?

Guest: Rob Kandell, coach and consultant, host of the podcast Tuff Love https://robertkandell.com/episodes/, and co-founder of One Taste

Host and producer: Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-Far

Co-host: Jonathan Freeman

Co-producers: Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell

Additional links: The Gender Knot merch by TeePublic https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-gender-knot

The Gender Knot podcast https://www.thegenderknot.com/ and Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/

Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)

In April, a report by the UK governments and the Equalities and Human Rights Commission showed that 80% of large companies still paid male employees more than the women. In the US, in 2017 women still earnt just 82% of men’s salaries, according to data by the Pew Research Center.

There are structural changes that still need to take place, how do men and women approach pay negotiations differently? How receptive are bosses to women asking for more money, and what are the best ways women can negotiate to be paid more?


Guests:
Gillian Orr, journalist and content director, Refinery29

Caroline Elliot, Managing Partner of the Quattrain training partnership and former producer, editor and board member at BBC radio


Host and producer:
Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-Far

Co-host:
Sam Baker

Co-producers:
Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell

Additional links:

‘Building Resilience’ – Quattrain blog post by Caroline Elliot

The Gender Knot merch from TeePublic https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-gender-knot

The Gender Knot podcast https://www.thegenderknot.com/ and Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/

Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)

Men’s groups can’t be a substitute for therapy, says today’s guest. We recently looked at men’s groups and had some interesting feedback. Despite all the positives we hear, that can be problems which are worth knowing about.

We speak to someone who actually runs men’s groups and also works helping teenagers develop healthy relationships. We delve into the potential problems, and how to best utilize men’s groups, both if running one and if attending.


Guest:
German Villegas, host of the Modern Manhood podcast, teacher, educator, man-at-large at Next Gen Men https://modernmanhood.org/

Host and producer:
Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-Far

Co-host:
Jonathan Freeman

Co-producers:
Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell

Additional links:

The Gender Knot podcast https://www.thegenderknot.com/ and Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/

Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)

Jonathan is stuck in the library in DC, and Nas and Sam and Jonny in London are all swamped, so we decided to play you an episode of one of our favourite podcasts while we work on more Gender Knot material for you for next week onwards.

The Ministry of Ideas is a podcast about the ideas that shape our world, and is from Harvard Divinity School. Their episode ‘White Balance’ looks at how understanding race in American also requires understanding its relationship to class. It’s a compelling and deeply moving episode and features the poet and writer Dr Joshua Bennett, and the author of the book ‘White Trash’, Nancy Isenberg.

We’ll be back next week and have episodes coming up on men’s groups (a follow up), how women can negotiate for better pay, and male shame.

Guest podcast episode: Ministry of Ideas podcast from Harvard Divinity School https://www.ministryofideas.org/

The Gender Knot - Host and producer: Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-Far

Co-host: Jonathan Freeman

Co-producers: Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell

Additional links: The Gender Knot https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-gender-knot

[The Gender Knot podcast https://www.thegenderknot.com/ and Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/ and contact us at [email protected]

Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)

‘Transformative’ is a word we’ve heard from so many men who’ve benefitted from men’s groups. It’s a topic that’s comes up on this podcast a lot. Why are so many men getting together with other men to talk about their lives and experiences? How do these groups work and what do they talk about in them? And can they provide men with the support that they need?

Guests:

Kenny Mammarella D’Cruz 'The Man Whisperer', men’s group founder and personal development consultant http://www.kennydcruz.com/

Chad Howse, fitness and lifestyle blogger and host of the podcast Man Up with Chad Howse podcast http://chadhowsefitness.com/

Anonymous member of a men’s group

Rowan Andrews, men’s group coach and facilitator and a business coach
https://www.meetup.com/Mens-group-NoMoreMrNiceGuy-UK/

Host and producer: Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-Far

Co-hosts: Jonathan Freeman and Jonathan Blackwell

Co-producers: Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell

Sponsor: Beer52 – head to https://www.beer52.com/gender for a free case of British craft beer

Additional links:

The Gender Knot podcast https://www.thegenderknot.com/ and Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/

The Gender Knot: Mark Manson on men’s groups https://radiopublic.com/the-gender-knot-Wk23py/ep/s1!4ccad

The Gender Knot: Women’s groups, Men’s groups https://radiopublic.com/the-gender-knot-Wk23py/ep/s1!b483f

Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)

5 Pieces by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)

This week’s guest emailed 700 people asking to be set up on a date, and followed up with everyone a year later detailing what happened. The most interesting part of her results are that the people she knew the least were the ones who set her up with someone.

Our friends know our best and yet why do we under utilize our friends in the search for fulfilling romantic relationships? Should friends set each other up more? And why is it likelier that people we know less well are the ones who may actually introduce us to someone who could change our lives?

Guest:
Erica Berger, journalist, host of the TBD podcast https://www.livetbd.com/

Host and producer:
Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-Far

Co-host:
Jonathan Freeman

Co-producers:
Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell

Sponsor:
Beer52 – head to www.beer52.com/gender

Additional links:
Erica Berger’s piece: “Swiped out: I emailed 700 friends asking to get set up after deleting dating apps. Here’s what I learned about love in America” https://bit.ly/2w7PQGM

Interview with Erica Berger: “What one woman learned after asking 700 people to set her up on a date” https://go.brit.co/2XAE0Pp

The Gender Knot podcast and Facebook Group
https://www.thegenderknot.com/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/

Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)
5 Pieces by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)

Male Shame lies at the root of so many problematic dynamics between men and women, whether on an individual or a society-wide scale. The problem is many men have a very limited space where they can explore their shame, if they even have that space at all. 

How can women play a role in this and what’s the best way to make a man aware of the consequences of his shame based behaviour? A coach and consultant helps us figure this out.

Guest: Rob Kandell, coach and consultant, host of the podcast Tuff Love https://robertkandell.com/episodes/, co-founder of One Taste

Host and producer: Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-Far 

Co-host: Jonathan Freeman

Co-producers: Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell 

Sponsor: The Economist 

Additional links: 

The Gender Knot podcast and Facebook Group
https://www.thegenderknot.com/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/

Financial Times review of The Gender Knot https://on.ft.com/2IPHObY

Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons) 5 Pieces by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)

Speaking more forcefully, being more assertive (or even aggressive), over-confidence and being unrealistic about outcomes; these are just some of the ways in which women in technology are told to approach investors if they are to raise money. But is this advice fair or even accurate?

Why is it harder for women in tech to raise investment money, what needs to be done to change things around, and what advice to women get which doesn’t work and is even damaging? A tech investor tells us more.

Guest:
Jonathan Sposato, investor, author of “Better Together: 8 ways working with women leads to extraordinary products and profits” https://amzn.to/2SFYF0K

Host and producer:
Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-Far

Co-host:
Jonathan Freeman

Co-producers:
Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell

Relevant Links:
The Gender Knot podcast and Facebook Group
https://www.thegenderknot.com/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/

Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)
5 Pieces by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)

We got a curious email from the folks at Ashley Madison recently – that’s the dating website for people looking for discreet encounters, such as affairs. They’ve seen a rise in the number of women signing up, and there’s evidence showing that more women are cheating on their spouses – or perhaps women are now more open or honest about their affairs.

We delve into why this is happening. We speak to a woman who has had an extra-marital affair to find out her reasons for the affair and her experience of it, and sex therapist Dr Tammy Nelson tells us about the wider social reasons for women seeking extra-marital affairs.

Guests:
‘Mary’, woman who has had an extra-marital affair
Dr Tammy Nelson, psychotherapist and sexuality expert, author of the book ‘The New Monogamy; redefining your relationship after infidelity’ https://drtammynelson.com/

Host and producer:
Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-Far

Co-host:
Jonathan Freeman

Co-producers:
Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell

Sponsor:
The Economist

Relevant Links:
The Gender Knot podcast and Facebook group

More women are cheating. Why?

We got a curious email from the folks at Ashley Madison recently – that’s the dating website for people looking for discreet encounters, such as affairs. They’ve seen a rise in the number of women signing up, and there’s evidence showing that more women are cheating on their spouses – or perhaps women are now more open or honest about their affairs.

We delve into why this is happening. We speak to a woman who has had an extra-marital affair to find out her reasons for the affair and her experience of it, and sex therapist Dr Tammy Nelson tells us about the wider social reasons for women seeking extra-marital affairs.


Guests:
‘Mary’, woman who has had an extra-marital affair
Dr Tammy Nelson, psychotherapist and sexuality expert, author of the book ‘The New Monogamy; redefining your relationship after infidelity’
https://drtammynelson.com/

https://www.amazon.com/The-New-Monogamy-Redefining-Relationship/dp/1608823156/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1339618990&sr=8-4

Host and producer:
Nas aka Nastaran Tavakoli-Far

Co-host:
Jonathan Freeman

Co-producers:
Sam Baker and Jonathan Blackwell

Sponsor:
The Economist

Relevant Links:
The Gender Knot podcast and Facebook Group
https://www.thegenderknot.com/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/182851532302085/

Ashley Madison
https://www.ashleymadison.com/

Music: Government Funded Weed by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)
5 Pieces by Black Ant (used under Creative Commons)