Learning to manage difficult feelings is the biggest job of childhood. says psychologist Angela North, and kids need a parent's help to do this. Along with Dr Steven Mackenzie, Angela has written the new book Mindfulness At Play - a guide to help adults be in the moment with a child's emotional experience.

Learning to manage difficult feelings is the biggest job of childhood. says psychologist Angela North, and kids need a parent's help to do this.

Along with Dr Steven Mackenzie, Angela has written the new book Mindfulness At Play - a guide to help adults be in the moment with a child's emotional experience.

Listen to the interview

The typical picture of mindfulness - perhaps sitting on a rock and staring out into space - is very different to the process of being actively mindful in response to a child, Angela says.

This kind of mindfulness is therapeutic when theyre feeling happy and playful but even more important when they're not.

The instinct of many parents to problem-solve or reprimand when a child is upset gets in the way of tuning into what the child is feeling, Angela says.

"We might think 'That was partly your fault' or, 'Gosh, I wish you were a bit more resilient'. So judgment creeps into our tone."

More beneficial for a child's emotional development is listening calmly to what they're saying, observing their body language and facial expression, and then attempting to reflect back to them what they are feeling - ie 'It sounds like that really upset you'.

this way of communicating - which Angela calls 'empathic reflection' - helps children learn to tune into and understand themselves and also calm down a lot quicker.

"What we're really doing is helping them learn to regulate their emotions. And as they get older, they'll get better at doing that for themselves."

Small children, who are still learning the words for emotions, especially need this parental attunement to help them build words for their emotions, she says.

"It's teaching them to look inwards, and to kind of trust their gut instinct about what they're feeling."

Validating a child's emotions in the moment isn't the same thing as approving their associated behaviour, Angela says, which can be talked over at a later point.

"They're already overwhelmed by big feelings - something's going on there. And my reaction, chances are, is going to probably tip them over the edge. So now we're kind of both having a meltdown. And, importantly, I don't really know yet why they're grumpy."…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details