There is a misconception that the abuse ends after you leave a domestic violence relationship.  Unfortunately, this is not the case, especially when you share children with them.  Your life will be affected in ways you may not have realized until you face a specific situation.  

One of the issues that comes up for separated families is not knowing how to manage the holiday season as a separated family.  This can be difficult for any family who is recently divorced or separated but can be extremely difficult when you have separated or divorced an abusive partner.  It is typical in domestic violence relationships that the abusive partner will find a way to ruin important events, especially if the attention is drawn away from them and if the event or holiday is really important to you.

Originally in recording this episode, it was an interview with a momma who has been out of her abusive relationships for years, and I thought we would be able to play it straight through as I typically do.  We were thrown a wrench in the situation and her abusive ex filed a motion a few days after we recorded which would make airing the episode in full potentially dangerous for my guest and her family.  And, my guest, we’ll call her Rachel, still wanted to share her experience and important information from our conversation.  So, we were creative and changed what we needed to change so that you can find ideas and inspiration in creating a special holiday time with your children while also keeping her safe.

I hope you enjoy this episode.

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How often have you wondered if your narcissistic partner can change? 

In this episode, you will gain some insight and perspective to relieve this confusion, doubt, and other difficult feelings when your abusive ex-partner seems to have an amazing and healthy new relationship.

You find out through Facebook stalking or when your ex-partner shows up to grab the kids for their parenting time and they are in another relationship.  And the relationship, from the outside, looks amazing and perfect.

You might think, “there must be something wrong with me if they can have the relationship they promised me with this other person.”

You think back to all of the things that you tried to fix the relationship and to support your ex-partner.  And it causes a lot of confusion and doubt about who you are and your level of blame for the abuse and the end of the relationship.

Is it possible that their picture-perfect relationship is not as it seems?  Can they actually change?   

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Free Roadmap to Communicating with your Narcissistic Ex https://www.risingbeyondpc.com/free.html 

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After experiencing domestic violence or narcissistic abuse, women typically feel completely beat down, broken and scared.  The idea of empowerment may not even seem possible.  And, my guest, Jaime Hobbs has worked with countless victims of domestic violence and other violence and has seen women become more confident and empowered in a single day.

Jaime shares her experience with us as a self-defense and self-empowerment instructor including things like situational awareness and listening to our gut in order to stay safe.  Jaime also shares some tips in speaking with law enforcement after an abusive incident based in her experiences as an on-scene victim advocate for local law enforcement.

Jaime was born and raised in Kansas City, Missouri and has made Colorado home since 2002. In addition to over a decade in Emergency Communications (911), trained in active shooter response, crisis negotiations, sexual assault response, and more, Jaime is also an on-scene Victim Advocate for two other local police departments and has a background in rape crisis and domestic violence assistance. Jaime co-owns Paragon Defense and has been teaching women's safety and self defense in both the private and public sector since 2012.

Find More of Jamie Here:
Website - https://www.paragonselfdefense.com/
FaceBook - https://www.facebook.com/paragondefensecolorado
Instagram - @paragondefense

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As you heal from domestic violence or narcissistic abuse it is common to start reevaluating the relationships in your life.  You may start to notice that there are others in your world that are abusive to you in different ways which may cause a lot of hurt and anger.

In this episode you will get some ideas on how to assess your current relationships and how they either positively or negatively affect your life.  With this new information, you will then be able to decide what role these people will get to play in your life and the lives of your children.

We discuss the difference between going no-contact and having a detached contact in your relationships and will offer different strategies for making this decision and how to hold firm to your decision.  Some of the strategies for maintaining a detached relationship are:

• Asking yourself what support you will need to maintain emotional distance while being in the presence of the person
• Identifying and challenging your cognitive distortions
• Learning to regulate your nervous system and trauma responses
• Managing your expectations
• Using radical acceptance

Show Links

Book: Healing From Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Hidden-Abuse-Recovery-Psychological/dp/0997829087/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2MPSD4CEYN4W0&keywords=healing+from+hidden+abuse&qid=1665419749&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIyLjQyIiwicXNhIjoiMS45NyIsInFzcCI6IjEuODgifQ%3D%3D&sprefix=healing+from+%2Caps%2C177&sr=8-1

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It can be extremely difficult to set boundaries after you have experienced domestic violence or narcissistic abuse.  Your partner crossed every boundary you have ever tried to set and conditioned you to give up your boundaries with them altogether.  

And, boundaries are an important part of the healing process from relationship abuse and can help prevent you from being taken advantage of in the future.  

In this episode, you will learn the importance of setting firm and compassionate boundaries for your future life and relationships and how setting boundaries positively affects your self-worth.

This episode will provide tangible tips for setting boundaries that you can use immediately to help you feel more confident during this process.  These tips are:

• Slowing things down
• Becoming Aware
• Making a list of priorities
• Staying on topic
• Planning ahead
• Maintaining realistic expectations
• Practice, practice, practice
• Setting and following through with consequences

Show Links:

Boundaries of Steel: A Workbook for Managing and Recovering from Toxic Relationships
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Steel-Workbook-Recovering-Relationships/dp/1734571438/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3GYF97PYGE8MD&keywords=boundaries+of+steel+by+cathy+wilson&qid=1665419079&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIwLjAwIiwicXNhIjoiMC4wMCIsInFzcCI6IjAuMDAifQ%3D%3D&sprefix=Boundaries+of+s%2Caps%2C178&sr=8-1

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Bringing home a new baby is hard and can cause a strain on your relationship with your partner.  But is the strain and conflict normal in your relationship or is it abusive?

If there is domestic violence or narcissistic abuse in your relationship, you will not only experience the “normal hard” of bringing a baby into your family, you will likely experience a significant increase in abuse and lack of help in taking care of your new child.

Christie and I discuss what the “normal hard” looks like, some steps you can take to improve your relationship with your partner, what abuse may look like in this situation, and what you need to look for to make decisions about remaining in your relationship.

Christie Sears Thompson, LMFT
As not only a therapist but also a wife and mother, I have seen first-hand the importance of a strong family foundation. My main goal in forming The Partnerhood coaching program and working with couples in my private practice is to help couples achieve genuine connection, communicate more effectively, and create the relationships they want to have so this foundation can carry them through the storms that life will inevitably throw at them.

Websites:
www.thepartnerhood.com
www.tradewindstherapy.com

The Partnerhood Workbook

https://www.amazon.com/Partnerhood-Workbook-resources-knowledge-successful/dp/B08QBPSBDF/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1AY59OIIKH9TG&keywords=The+partnerhood+workbook&qid=1662222198&sprefix=the+partnerhood+workbook%2Caps%2C156&sr=8-1

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Shame is the bread and butter of a narcissistic and abusive partner.  It prevents you from leaving the relationship by decreasing your self-worth and maintaining the secrecy of the abuse.

Our lizard brains are constantly looking out for signs of danger vs safety and will have us behave in ways to maintain as much safety in any given situation, even if it doesn’t feel congruent with your value system.  As a way to manage the state of cognitive dissonance, your brain may also focus on the positive times with your partner rather than the abuse.  So, the behaviors we do make sense in the situation and may not feel positive to you now that you are out or as you are evaluating your role in the relationship.

In this episode, you will learn ways to start to decrease the shame you hold that is stalling your healing process.  

• Stop comparing your current self that understands how abusive relationships work with the before you
• Start challenging your shameful thoughts 
• Reframe the behaviors that feel shameful as survival strategies
• Sharing your shame stories with safe people

Please leave us a review or rating and follow/subscribe to the show. This helps the show get out to more people.

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If you've been looking for a supportive community of women going through the topics we cover, head over to our website to learn more about the Rising Beyond Community. - https://www.risingbeyondpc.com/

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One of the least talked about forms of abuse is spiritual abuse.  Spiritual abuse is when one person attempts to exert power and control over another person using religion, faith , or beliefs and can be an element of domestic violence, child abuse or elder abuse.  

Danielle and I discuss the systemic nature of spiritual abuse and how it continues within different organizations and allows abusive people a place to hide.  Danielle shares her experiences of spiritual abuse and some steps you can take to become aware if you are experiencing spiritual abuse and how to get out of an abusive situation.

Danielle Patterson is the clinical director of The Patterson Center for Resiliency located in Colorado Springs, Colorado. She holds a Masters of Social Work and is passionate about helping youth and adults overcome trauma. Danielle was previously a youth pastor although has since left the church and helps individuals recognize and overcome spiritual abuse.

You can find Danielle at
www.thepattersoncenter.org

More information about spiritual abuse: https://theallendercenter.org/category/podcast/spiritual-abuse/

BOOK - Let the Children Come: Preparing Faith Communities to End Child Abuse and Neglect by Jeanette Harder:  https://www.amazon.com/Let-Children-Come-Preparing-Communities/dp/0836195183/ref=sr_1_4?crid=3SEMCI41CL8GG&keywords=let+the+children+come+book&qid=1661203239&sprefix=let+the+children+come+boo%2Caps%2C307&sr=8-4

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Something needs to change in your relationship because you can’t go on living like this.  So, you decide to try couples therapy. Unfortunately, this may be the worst thing that you could do if you are experiencing domestic violence or narcissistic abuse.  

In this episode, you will learn why couples therapy is contraindicated if you are in an abusive relationship.  

• The lack of training around domestic violence and narcissistic abuse in the mental health community
• How couples therapy will be used as an arena for further abuse
• How accountability will be shifted from your abusive partner to you
• The ways a couples therapist will be distracted from the power and control dynamics of the relationship

And if you do decide to try couples therapy with your partner, you will get some tips to do this more safely.

Show Links:

Big Little Lies
https://www.hbo.com/big-little-lies

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Would you call yourself a people pleaser? This fourth trauma response, fawning, is extremely common for victims and survivors of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse as a way to stay safer in these relationships.

This trauma response is when you abandon your own needs and sense of self to avoid conflict, criticism, and abuse; over time, you lose your sense of self altogether.

Where does is response come from?

• Relational abuse that happens over time rather than single event trauma
• Experiences in our family of origin
• Our personality traits
• Messages from our culture

You can reverse this type of trauma response by:

• Becoming mindful of your patterns of behaviors 
• Validating your experiences and emotions
• Finding your sense of self and your identity
• Building a safe inner circle of support

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, Peter walker 

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Pete-Walker-audiobook/dp/B07MK5F3KQ/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1CKU77RWXTAIL&keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving&qid=1661195925&sprefix=complex%2Caps%2C179&sr=8-1

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