Did you know that Kayden’s Law passed in Colorado?  Kayden’s Law is one step needed to keep children safe as families go through our family court system.

If you are a survivor of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse and you share children with your abuser, it is likely that you will find yourself in a family court battle when you leave.  Our family court system needs significant reform in order to put the interest of children at the forefront to protect them from abusive and narcissistic parents.

On this episode I have a conversation with Colorado Representative Meg Froelich, one of the sponsors of Kayden’s law about the incremental changes that are happening and that still need to happen to reform our family court system.  We break down what Kayden’s Law requires of court professionals with regard to training, who can be considered an expert in these cases, and how it prevents reunification camps that are harmful to children.  We look at the views of the opposition and other challenges to having bills like this passed, with the hope of more states being able to gain some traction and pass similar legislation in their states.

Representative Meg Froelich is in her third term in the Colorado House of Representatives and serves as the, Chair of the Transportation, Housing and Local Governments Committee and sits on the Energy and Environment Committee. 

Rep. Froelich has a passion for recruiting, supporting, and training women who run for office which has informed her extensive work on protecting women and children. She was the prime sponsor of the Reproductive Health Equity Act, (2022), which preserved the fundamental right to access the full range of reproductive healthcare in Colorado and the Protections for Reproductive Healthcare Access, (2023), which ensured protections for providers and reproductive and gender affirming healthcare access. She has promoted the rights and protections for sexual assault and domestic violence survivors with recent bills, Julie’s Law, (2021), and the recently signed Kayden’s Law, (2023), and the Forensic Medical Evidence Process Improvements, (2023), which will provide funding for additional access to services for victims of sexual assault As a former teacher and parent to three Littleton Public School graduates, Froelich has helped to increase K12 education funding, recalibrate our teacher evaluation system and to advocate for equity and inclusion for our students. 

Rep. Froelich was previously elected to the Greenwood Village City Council in 2003 where she served two terms on Greenwood Village City Council and was the liaison to the Greenwood Village Chamber of Commerce (now DTC Chamber) and the Highline Canal Preservation Association. Prior to being elected to public office, Rep. Froelich produced many historical documentaries for television (American Experience, BIOGRAPHY, American Masters) and completed Strong Sisters: Elected Women in Colorado in 2016. She has served as the Executive Director of the Colorado Institute for Leadership Training, NARAL Pro Choice Colorado, (now COBALT), and the House Majority Project and has a passion for recruiting, supporting, and training women who run for office which has also informed her extensive work on protecting women and children. 

Rep. Froelich is a graduate of Bryn Mawr College and holds a Masters Degree in History from the University of Michigan. She has three adult children and currently resides in Englewood, CO.

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The myths and misconceptions about domestic violence and narcissistic abuse prevent those who want to support their loved ones who have been victims from supporting them without victim blaming.

I asked hundreds of survivors what they felt were the most important things for their support people to understand in order to offer the support they need throughout their healing journey.  I was overwhelmed with responses and identified some of the most common themes to share with you in this episode.

The top 8 most common ideas or themes that survivors want you to understand in order to support them are:

• Secrecy allows the abuse to continue.
• There are many different forms of relationship abuse outside of physical abuse which are often times more damaging.
• Victims often return to their abusers for a myriad of reasons; their brains have been conditioned to assess for the danger based on where their abuser’s mind is at that day to allow them to compute the safest behaviors for them and their children.  This makes it feel less safe when they have no contact.
• Abuse does not end when the relationship ends.  Sometimes post-separation abuse is worse.
• Our family court system is set up to support continued abuse, does not look out for the best interests of the child, and supports secrecy to continue.
• Domestic violence and coercive control do extreme amounts of harm to children and someone who is abusive to the other parent of their child is unable to be a safe parent.
• A survivor of relationship abuse has so many internal struggles including self-doubt, shame, and extreme indecisiveness.
• If you are supporting a survivor of narcissistic abuse you need to ensure that you have support too.

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Do you remember your lightbulb moment?  Maybe it was the first time you heard the term narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, or love bombing.

How can a survivor move from that lightbulb moment to feeling joy and thriving in their lives after an abusive relationship?

In this episode, I chat with Tracy Malone about her lightbulb moment and how that has led her to helping hundreds (maybe thousands) of survivors of narcissistic abuse along this healing path.  We touch on some of the most common challenges survivors will experience, the differences in the healing process when you have been discarded rather than escaped, and the importance of peeling back the onion to those early messages learned in your family of origin that have impacted your relationship decisions and self-worth.

Tracy shares some of the ways she helps survivors through her book, “Divorcing a Narcissist: You Can’t Make this Shit Up” and her healing journals.  

Tracy Malone Author, Speaker, Educator, and International narcissistic abuse divorce coach. She is a surTHRIVER of abuse herself and the founder of NarcissistAbuseSupport.com.  Tracy's Bestselling book is– DIVORCING A NARCISSIST: You Can’t Make This Shit Up! As well as 32 healing journals.

Tracy has a popular YouTube channel and podcast that has reached millions of survivors.

Tracy's Website
Tracy's Facebook Group
Tracy on Instagram
Pinterest
Tracy's YouTube Channel
Tracy's Podcasts
Tracy on Twitter 

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What constitutes moral injury?

It is quite possible that you have experienced enough trauma to have symptoms of PTSD after experiencing domestic violence or narcissistic abuse.  And it is also possible that this is compounded by something even deeper; the destruction of your moral code.

As promised in episode 50, I am doing a deep dive into all things moral injury so that I can help you become unstuck on your healing journey and find self-forgiveness which is required for healing.  I reached out to Dr. Daniel Roberts, a leader in the research on moral injury to learn how experiences lead to moral injury and how one can heal.

In this episode, we touch on the differences between a moral dilemma, moral distress/conflict, and moral injury.  Dr. Roberts shares what he has seen to be effective in treating moral injury and the next step in researching this topic.

Dr. Daniel Roberts is the President and CEO of Moral Injury Support Network for Servicewomen, Inc., and a 20+ year U.S. Army Chaplain Corps member. In the span of time, he has helped many servicewomen who experienced moral injury due to sexual assaults, bullying, spousal infidelity, and other traumatic events. His work and research on moral injury and providing pastoral care have been published in the Journal of Health Care Chaplaincy, the Journal of Pastoral Care and Counseling, the Qualitative Report, SAGE Business Cases, and Amazon.

Show Links:

Moral Injury Support Network for Servicewomen, Inc. (MISNS) web page: https://misns.org.

MISNS interviewing spouses of military service members with PTSD for our moral injury research project: https://misns.org/what-is/moral-injury-research/seeking-participants-for-research-project/.

MISNS provides moral injury training for organizations: https://misns.org/moral-injury-training-for-your-organization/.

Through the Harriet Tubman Chaplain Network, MISNS provides free pastoral care to women veterans in the U.S. and Canada: https://misns.org/tubman-chaplain-network/.

Donate now to support research and programs that help women veterans suffering from moral injury: https://misns.org/donate/.

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Have you even allowed yourself to think about setting goals for your life after surviving an abusive relationship?

Instead of just surviving, I want to invite you to set some long-term goals so that you have some direction to start living again.

In this episode, we explore some of the most common ideas and goals that survivors long for but do not believe are possible for their lives; finding a sense of peace and freedom, finding safety for their children, not being triggered all the time for example.  And after choosing a goal (or two or three), you will learn how to reverse engineer your healing or process so that you have some direction and know your next best step on your journey.

This framework requires you to determine what parts of your situation are within your control and which parts are outside your control to know where to place your focus.  And while it may feel like you do not have control of anything, you might be surprised to learn that you likely have more control than you think.

domesticviolence.org

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If you've been looking for a supportive community of women going through the topics we cover, head over to our website to learn more about the Rising Beyond Community. - https://www.risingbeyondpc.com/

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Don’t sign off on your parenting plan until you have listened to this episode!  There may be loopholes that a narcissistic ex-partner will exploit for years to come.

Divorcing an abusive ex-partner leads to further abuse, called post-separation abuse, especially if you share children with them.  The way our family court system is set up allows abuse to continue and at times actually seems to support the abuse.  

So, it is imperative that you know what loopholes to look out for as you create a parenting plan as a part of the separation and divorce process, to prevent as much of the post-separation abuse as possible and to protect your children.  

In this episode, Jan and Jillian Yuhas, MA, MFT, CPC and I discuss some of the most common loopholes that are exploited by a narcissistic ex-partner and some ways that you can mitigate these loopholes ahead of time.  

We explore the most common loopholes regarding:

• Travel and vacation time
• Substance Use and Mental Health Concerns of a parent
• Inability to Parent
• Breach of Contract
• Parentification (basing decisions like when they can be left home alone on child development)
• Introduction of New Romantic Partners and their role in the child’s life
• Make-up time for visits
• First Right of Refusal

Bio: Jan Yuhas and Jillian Yuhas, MA, MFT, CPC are Family Mediators and Co-Parenting Coaches. They specialize in coercive control and high-conflict dynamics by guiding co-parents to overcome the challenges of divorce through creative solutions that are children-centered. Their expertise is a blend of family psychology, conflict resolution, negotiation strategy, healthy boundaries, and real-life experience to guide and serve all family members. You can learn more about Jan and Jillian through their mediation services and coaching programs at divorcefamilymediations.com

Website: divorcefamilymediations.com
Instagram: @divorcefamilymediation

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If you've been looking for a supportive community of women going through the topics we cover, head over to our website to learn more about the Rising Beyond Community. - https://www.risingbeyondpc.com/

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Testifying in court is an extremely overwhelming and scary experience, especially when you are testifying against your abusive ex-partner.

In this episode, I share some tips on things to do before, during, and after a hearing where you will need to testify in family court.

Before you show up to court, make sure you have:

• Organized documentation
• Practiced with your attorney/divorce coach/therapist
• Practiced self-regulation and grounding skills
• Set up your support network and have them on standby
• Planned a comfortable outfit that shows respect to the court
• Snacks, water, money in the bag you will bring to court

The day of court

• Show up early, 30 minutes before your scheduled time
• Walk in with a support person
• Double check you do not have anything that cannot go through security
• Use the restroom

Testifying

• Take a breath/count to 3
• Listen carefully to what is asked and answer accordingly (ie. if a yes or no question, answer with yes or no)
• Trust your attorney to tell the story
• Talk about observations, not labels
• Bring a small object as an anchor
• Do NOT lie on the stand

After

• Walk out with a support person or your attorney
• Schedule a time to process with attorney and/or therapist
• Safety plan if needed

Extra links:https://mailchi.mp/risingbeyondpc/family-court-checklist

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-7233

Text START to 88788

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If you've been looking for a supportive community of women going through the topics we cover, head over to our website to learn more about the Rising Beyond Community. - https://www.risingbeyondpc.com/

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If you have struggled to move on from your abusive partner and feel a draw to return or if you are a support person who is frustrated and confused as to why someone would continue to return to an abusive relationship, this episode will shed some light on the topic.

A trauma bond is a powerful aspect of many abusive relationships and is often overlooked, misunderstood, and minimized.  Its effects are long-lasting and devastating for the victim and have many similarities to someone who has experienced life in a cult.

A trauma bond is characterized by:

• An intense emotional connection with a false sense of attachment
• And extreme power imbalance which leads to the victim becoming emotionally dependent on the abuser
• Isolation
• Is done through a process of intermittent reinforcement and a cycle of idealization and devaluation

And results in:

• A complete loss of self identity
• Significant amount of guilt and shame
• Cognitive dissonance
• Moral Injury
• PTSD
• Extreme difficulty in letting go of the relationship

These characteristics are extremely similar to how a cult works to obtain and maintain its members.  The healing process when there has been a trauma bond is also similar to healing from a cult experience.  These include:

• Redefining your values and belief system
• Deconstructing the indoctrination that you were conditioned with
• Finding a support system that understands what you have been through
• Self-compassion and self-forgiveness
• Establishing boundaries
• Reclaiming autonomy by increasing your knowledge and making and standing by your choices
• Getting professional help to process your trauma

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If you've been looking for a supportive community of women going through the topics we cover, head over to our website to learn more about the Rising Beyond Community. - https://www.risingbeyondpc.com/

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The misconception that once a victim leaves an abusive relationship they are safe and can move on leaves the majority of survivors without the support they need and alone as they mitigate post-separation abuse.

In her new book, It’s Not “High Conflict” it’s Post Separation Abuse, Kaytee Gillis, LCSW shares the story of this dynamic in a gentle, yet realistic way.  In this episode, we explore some of the most common themes during post-separation abuse, specifically how our current family court system not only allows this to happen but supports continued abuse.  Kaytee shares some tips on how to make it through this difficult time using the N.E.B. technique for communication with an abusive ex (Necessary, Emotionless, and Brief). The importance of Never Assessing the Patterns (N.A.P.) by labeling your ex-partner as a Narcissist or using the term abuse in the courtroom.  And we also discuss the all too real experience of having to respond and attend family court without legal representation due to financial abuse.

Kaytee is a psychotherapist, author, and consultant with a passion for
working with survivors of relationship and family trauma.  Her recent book, It's Not High Conflict, it's Post Separation Abuse, sheds light on the way abusers take advantage of the legal system to continue their abuse.
Her blog on Psychology Today, Invisible Bruises, posts articles in support
of family and relationship trauma survivors. Kaytee has been featured on Psychology Today, iHeart radio, Psychotherapy Networker, The Dr. Wendy Walsh Show, CP24 News out of Toronto, Newsweek, Shaye Ganam, and others.
Kaytee has given trainings for The Zur Institute on recognizing patterns of domestic violence and helping survivors move forward. Trainings are available for all clinicians on her website or on The Zur Institute.

To get in touch with Kaytee:
www.kaytlyngillislcsw.com
Instagram: @KurleeKaytee
Instagram: @Claras_ _Voice – support for relationship trauma survivors and allies
Facebook: @KayteeLCSW
Facebook: Claras Voice- a group in support of relationship trauma survivors and allies
Twitter: @Kaytee_Gillis
Blog: Invisible Bruises, Psychology Today

Buy her book! It’s Not “High Conflict” it’s Post Separation Abuse

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If you've been looking for a supportive community of women going through the topics we cover, head over to our website to learn more about the Rising Beyond Community. - https://www.risingbeyondpc.com/

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If you have tried all of the trauma treatments and still feel stuck as you heal from domestic violence or narcissistic abuse, then moral injury may be to blame.

Moral injury refers to the psychological, emotional, behavioral and spiritual distress you feel after exposure to a situation where you feel like you have violated your conscience or moral compass when you take part in, witness, or fail to prevent an act that goes against your own morals, values or personal principles.  It is often when you are told to act by someone who has authority or power over you.

Moral injury may look similar to PTSD with symptoms of extreme shame and guilt, loss of faith in humanity, issues with trust, loss of self-worth and identity, and extreme levels of cognitive dissonance.  You may find yourself withdrawing from others, using self-destructive behaviors, avoiding triggers and questioning your values and morals.

The difference between PTSD and Moral injury is that PTSD comes from an experience when you are in a dangerous situation and have the risk of bodily harm or death.  Moral injury comes from the experience of acting against your morals or values either at the direction of someone else or by your own choice.

One example of how this shows up in survivors experiencing post-separation abuse and the family court system is being ordered to send your children to their other parent’s house knowing that they may be abused by that parent.  And still, you are required to do so.

While this is a newer psychological experience that is being researched and there are not a lot of evidence-based modalities researched, specifically with survivors of relationship abuse, there are some things you can do to start the healing process.

• Self-reflection and acknowledgment of the situation
• Identifying values and morals
• Increasing your support network including professional mental health care
• Deconstructing the narrative and labels you place on yourself due to the situation
• Self-compassion and forgiveness work

Rising Beyond Podcast Episode - To Forgive Or Not To Forgive 

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