Thriving Adoptees - Let's Thrive

Adoptee Paula and I go deep - because where the treasure is - the priceless insights that helped her heal the hole in her soul. Adoptee Paula and I go deep - because where the treasure is - the priceless insights that helped her heal the hole in her soul. We both  really loved this conversation and hope you do too.

Paula Gruben is a professional writer, born and bred in South Africa, now living in Ireland.

She was relinquished as a newborn in 1974, under the highly secretive closed adoption system, which was common practice for young, unwed mothers at the time.

Paula had a happy, carefree childhood, but knowing virtually nothing about her biological roots resulted in a crippling identity crisis during her teenage years, manifesting in all forms of anti-social and self-destructive behaviour, and ultimately a deeply dysfunctional relationship with her adoptive parents.

When she turned 21 in 1995, Paula was granted access to her file at the Durban Child and Family Welfare Society, which had facilitated the adoption. She met her birth mother shortly thereafter, and her birth father three years later. The seed for writing a book about her remarkable adoption journey was planted, but then life took over.

It was only when faced with the shock of an unplanned pregnancy, just before turning 36 in 2010, that Paula could fully empathise with what both her birth mother and adoptive mother must’ve gone through at the time she entered their lives. The seed started germinating at a frantic pace and, armed with the wisdom of age, Paula knew it was finally time to tell the story.

Umbilicus is her debut novel.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01F23YFRS

https://www.facebook.com/paulagrubenauthor

https://paulagruben.com/

Guests and the host are not (unless mentioned) licensed pscyho-therapists and speak from their own opinion only. Seek qualified advice if you need help.

Trees seal, people heal. Adoptee Kate helps us to self understanding and compassion in this profound episode. Sit back and drink this all in - especially her healing moments - they've got incredible healing power for us all.Here'a bit about Kate's story from her website

I swore I'd never let my birthmother into my life, but then Mom died of ovarian cancer and my birthmother, Val, found me through my mom's obituary. Hard to argue with fate. Harder still to let go of childhood promises, even when you discover everything you dreamed of being is part of who you are.

Find out more about her and her book at

https://www.amazon.com/Lost-Found-Kate-Vincent-Vogl-ebook/dp/B087NWGZXY/ref=sr_1_3?crid=292X5M3FI8N2Y

https://www.facebook.com/katevogl

https://twitter.com/katevogl

https://www.instagram.com/kate_stvincent_vogl/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/katevogl

http://www.katevogl.com/

Guests and the host are not (unless mentioned) licensed pscyho-therapists and speak from their own opinion only. Seek qualified advice if you need help.

Love isn't finite. But what does that even mean? In a fantastic first for Thriving Adoptees an adoptee and her birth mother talk about this and much more in this profound conversation. You're going to love this one. It was released on 24th November 2022, the first Thanksgiving day that Cynthia has spent with both her adoptive mom and birth mom.

Here's a  bit about Cynthia - who was adopted as a child - from her website:

 I grew up in southeast Idaho, just outside the town of Idaho Falls. From as far back as I can remember, I loved books and reading, and wrote my first short story (about a fairy being born in a tulip) when I was around six years old—pretty much as soon as I could write. My second grade teacher, Mrs. Widdison, told me that I'd be an author some day, and I believed her. I kept writing stories all through grade school, most of them wildly fantastical musings on supernatural beings or creatures, none of which ever won the annual short story competition where the writer got to meet Kenneth Thomasma, the author of one of my very favorite books, Naya Nuki. I learned early on that if you wanted to win the writing contest, you should write stories about that time your parents got their car stuck in the snow on the side of a mountain just before dark. You should not write about a group of unicorns fighting to take over an island from an alien invasion. I kept writing about unicorns anyway 

The How & The Why is her novel about adoption...

Cassandra McMurtrey has the best parents a girl could ask for. They’ve given Cass a life she wouldn’t trade for the world. She has everything she needs—except maybe the one thing she wants. Like, to know who she is. Where she came from. Questions her adoptive parents can’t answer, no matter how much they love her.

http://www.cynthiahandbooks.com/

https://twitter.com/CynthiaHand

https://www.facebook.com/writercynthiahand/

Guests and the host are not (unless mentioned) licensed pscyho-therapists and speak from their own opinion only. Seek qualified advice if you need help.

If we want our kids to grow, we need to grow. So how do we do that? Danny shares a wealth of insights into how we can grow based on a lifetime's experience working with kids and parents. It's wide-ranging, fascinating and empowering. 

Dr. Daniel Huerta oversees Focus’ initiatives that equip mothers and fathers with biblical principles and counsel for raising healthy, resilient children. 

A bilingual, licensed clinical social worker, Dr. Huerta addresses issues related to parenting such as communication, conflict resolution, spiritual growth, discipline, stress, anxiety, depression, media discernment and healthy sexuality.

He has been interviewed by media outlets including Fox News, Fatherly, Christianity Today, WORLD Magazine, The Christian Post and CBN, and he regularly speaks on Christian radio stations across the United States. He’s also written for publications including The Washington Post on topics related to marriage and parenting.

Dr. Huerta earned a master’s degree in social work from the University of Denver Graduate School of Social Work and a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs. He’s currently working on his doctorate in psychology at California Southern University.  

He has maintained a private practice in Colorado Springs since 2003 and served as a board member on the El Paso County Mental Health Association for almost four years.  

He and his wife, Heather, have been married since 1997 and have two children, Alex and Lexi.

Focus on the Family is a global Christian ministry dedicated to helping families thrive. We provide help and resources for couples to build healthy marriages that reflect God’s design, and for parents to raise their children according to morals and values grounded in biblical principles.

We’re here to come alongside families with relevance and grace at each stage of their journey. We support families as they seek to teach their children about God and His beautiful design for the family, protect themselves from the harmful influences of culture and equip themselves to make a greater difference in the lives of those around them.

No matter who you are, what you’re going through or what challenges your family may be facing, we’re here to help. With practical resources – like our 1-800 Family Help line, counseling and websites – we’re committed to providing trustworthy, biblical guidance and support.

https://www.facebook.com/focusonthefamily

https://twitter.com/FocusFamily

https://www.instagram.com/focusonthefamily/

https://www.youtube.com/user/FocusOnTheFamilyUSA

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/

Guests and the host are not (unless mentioned) licensed pscyho-therapists and speak from their own opinion only. Seek qualified advice if you need help.

Coming out of the fog marks the start our healing journey not the end of it. Listen in as adoptee Lora shares what's turbo-charged her healing. We go deep because that's where the life changing epiphanies lie  - under the trauma. These epiphanies are like priceless gems buried deep underneath many layers of soil, earth and rock. I really loved talking with Lora and bringing these epiphanies into the light to empower you to your own insights.

Here's a bit about Lora from her website: 

Lora K. Joy is the progression of me. Lora was the name my biological mother gave me, but did not feel she had the right to put on my birth certificate. K. stands for her last name and for Kimberly. A name that is on my adoption record, but I am not sure who gave it to me. Joy was my adoptive name and how everyone knew me until January 2022 when I legally reclaimed the name Lora.

I am an adult adoptee, born in 1979 and adopted through a religious organization in a closed adoption. The first time I remember knowing I was adopted was at 8 years old and my whole world shifted under my feet. The first 29 years of my life I was swirling in pain, not realizing it was caused by relinquishment. The reality of adoption trauma crashed over me and I began to heal through various therapy approaches. The journey has been long and difficult, but now I can stand on the other side, while continuing to grow and heal.

Reunion happened with my biological mother and maternal half-brother in 2008 and my paternal, biological cousins and half siblings in 2020. The journey of reunion is terrifying, exhilarating and heart breaking all at once. This page is meant to represent all aspects of this journey so that others may find solace in knowing they are not alone.

Upon healing my adoption trauma, I gained strength to live my truth. This led to an estrangement 30 years in the making from my adoptive parents. Estrangement is about both the unhealthy relationship with my adoptive parents from which I needed to remove myself and about rebuilding the life I should have always had. I was in the wrong place my whole life and it mattered that I was raised by strangers.

I have taken the lessons from my life as an adoptee and tried to parent my children accordingly. I have 2 children - a son and a daughter who are teenagers as of this writing. I have been married to my husband since 2003. He has been on this journey and supported me every step of the way.

I find peace in running, traveling, skiing and spending time alone.

My hope for all adoptees is that they can look inside, find their truth, heal and live their most authentic life.

https://www.facebook.com/myadopteetruth

www.myadopteetruth.com

Guests and the host are not (unless mentioned) licensed pscyho-therapists and speak from their own opinion only. Seek qualified advice if you need help.

How many ex foster kids are professors? How many have dedicated their lives to improving the lives of children from hard places. Dr David Cross is uniquely placed to support you the adoptive parent and this episode is a gem. The paradox of helping your kids thrive is that it starts with you thriving. Listen in with big ears as David shares succinct and clear insights into how you can make that happen.

Here's some more about David and the Institute he leads from their website:

Dr. David Cross is the Rees-Jones Director of the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development and a Professor in the TCU Department of Psychology. He leads the KPICD in its triple mission of research, education, and outreach to improve the lives of children from hard places. Together with the late Dr. Karyn Purvis, Dr. Cross created Trust-Based Relational Intervention®, (TBRI®) a holistic, attachment-based, trauma-informed, and evidence-based intervention for children who have experienced relational trauma. 

The Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development strives to help children suffering from the effects of early trauma, abuse and/or neglect. We conduct research to deepen understanding about the complex needs of these children and how to help them overcome social, behavioral, and emotional challenges. Through various outreach initiatives, we train professionals in Trust-Based Relational Intervention®, a research-based, holistic model developed by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross. Please understand that we are not a service provider, and do not provide clinical services of any kind. 

https://www.facebook.com/child.tcu

https://twitter.com/Child_TCU

https://child.tcu.edu/

Guests and the host are not (unless mentioned) licensed pscyho-therapists and speak from their own opinion only. Seek qualified advice if you need help.

Doubt and insecurities are part and parcel of parenting. And deeper for those adopting given the potential complexities growing their families that way. Listen in as Nancy who adopted Sophie from China  and raised her on her own shares her biggest insights along the way to prompt your own insights as you do all you can to ensure your family thrives.

After years as a temporary college instructor with no real home—her family and longtime friends scattered—Nancy McCabe yearned to settle down, establish a place to call home, and rear a child there. A tough academic job market led her to accept a position at a church-connected college in the deep South, a move that felt like an uneasy return to the conservative environment of a childhood that she thought she’d left behind.

Nancy had many reservations about rearing a child alone in this climate, but the desire to become a mother would not go away.

Meeting Sophie tells the story of Nancy’s adopting a Chinese daughter and the many obstacles she faced during the adoption and adjustment process, renegotiating her role within her family and experiencing difficulties in her job. It tells the story of her struggle to bond with a sick, grieving baby while in a foreign country during political unrest, followed, upon her return to the U.S., by a devastating loss and a career crisis.

https://www.nancymccabe.net/

https://www.facebook.com/nancy.mccabe.92

Guests and the host are not (unless mentioned) licensed pscyho-therapists and speak from their own opinion only. Seek qualified advice if you need help.

What's the journey from hardship, anxiety and grief to love, joy and hope. Lisa Ann explores our burdens, how they develop over the stages of our lives and how to relieve ourselves of our burdens...

Adopted at the tail end of the Baby Scoop Era, Lisa Ann’s multiple decades of searching for family finally broke through with the submission of her DNA in 2018. She has learned over the past few years the importance of listening to others who are in the community, how more adoptees need to be heard, the benefits of changing the adoption narrative from all roses to reality, the impacts the journey has on all family and friends and how just talking it out can be one of the best forms of self-care available.

Lisa Ann is very driven, can be an overthinker and works to find peace with the wins and losses of her journey. She strongly believes in the power of acceptance through connection with other people who are adopted; and genuinely hopes her experience can lift others up as they too go through the process. Influenced by many adoptees with prestigious blogs, podcasts and memoirs, Lisa Ann embarks on this endeavor by focusing on being open to other perspectives, direct about her path taken, honest about emotions experienced and now very public about her adoption experience.

Wandering Tree Adoptee Blog and Podcast are powered by Lisa Ann. She is a writer and commentator focused on sharing her personal journey of adoption, searching for biological family and the nuances of reunion.

https://wanderingtreeadoptee.com/

Guests and the host are not (unless mentioned) licensed pscyho-therapists and speak from their own opinion only. Seek qualified advice if you need help.

Adopted at 22, Tami's story is anything but typical. Neither is her transformation from surviving to thriving. So what has she learned on the way? What's she continuing to learn? What's changed her life? We go deep on healing is about seeing. As a mentor of mine says listen into this one like a rock with big ears for your own insights - see what you can see differently...

Here's more about  her book....

A twenty-one year telemarketer, Tammy Schend has barely managed her life after aging out of the foster care system in Kenosha, Wisconsin. After an impulsive phone call, she quits her job, moves out of her apartment, and drives to Michigan to help take care of her paralyzed gramma. During her three month visit, she's told her mom’s buried secrets and makes a decision that destroys a family and shakes the community. Returning to Kenosha, a beautiful life of faith erupts, until she is arrested and extradited back to Michigan to pay for her criminality.
Waiting to be sentenced, Tammy stays with members of her church--a family with five children and two parents who don't hit each other or yell or hit their kids. She is amazed and in love and uncomfortable. Can she trust them?

https://www.amazon.com/Tami-Lowe/e/B07HKR8TS7

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Making-Space-Me-Mormon-adoption/dp/1718065027

https://twitter.com/tamiloweauthor

https://www.tamilowe.com

https://www.facebook.com/TamiLoweCoach

Guests and the host are not (unless mentioned) licensed pscyho-therapists and speak from their own opinion only. Seek qualified advice if you need help.

Trauma can overwhelm our kids. So how do we help them transcend it? Adoptive mom Jenny Rose Asher and I go deep on allowing, validating and evaluating feelings on the road to healing. We also explore separating ourselves from the trauma to gain the perspective that helps us be the parents our kids need us to be to support them.

Here's a bit about today's guest from her website.

Jennifer Rose Asher is the proud mom of 3 wonderful children and lives with her family, dogs, and horses outside of Dallas, Texas.

I have written a book called Journey To My Daughter.  It is the story of how my husband Marc and I found and adopted our oldest chid, Hilary.  It details my experience with miscarriage as well as everything we went through to find Hilary through adoption, from our first introduction to adoption, the mundane process of gathering paperwork and completing a homestudy, a failed adoption attempt that included a frenetic last-minute trip to Hanoi, Vietnam, through the placement of Hilary and actually bringing her home. 

Beyond the physical journey, however, is my spiritual journey of learning to listen to the universe and follow the signs which should have helped me to realize when I was following a path not meant for me.  

Journey To My Daughter is a memoir that reads like a novel.  On the surface, it is the true story of my quest to become a mother.  I describe my own experience of miscarriages and the adoption of my daughter, Hilary.  No two journeys or adoptions themselves are the same.  I’m sure some are quite unremarkable while others may be bizarre or extraordinary.  My own experience was closer to the second type.  It includes a whirlwind trip to Hanoi, Vietnam as well as an endless amount of mundane paperwork.  I wrote about all of this.  

In writing and editing this book a more subtle but significant theme emerged.  The other story told in this book is that of a shift in my own attitude.  I began by not wanting children at all, progressed through a decision that I wanted to be a mother, and later became almost obsessed with this goal.  I tried to do whatever I could to force the world to “give” me a child.  I ignored the signals, both subtle and overt, when they showed me I was heading down the wrong path.  By the end of the book, I was able to be more flexible and follow the signs leading me towards my goal of motherhood.  I have a core belief that the universe will help us see what direction we should be headed.  We can choose to ignore and fight these signs, as I did in the beginning of the story, or we can allow these clues to help guide us down an easier path, as I tried to do towards the end of the book.

I originally wrote this story down to tell a story about adoption.  I wanted to help other adoptive families to maintain faith and hope through the very difficult waiting time before finding their child.  I definitely hope the story can help these families.  However, I now see that many others may benefit from reading the story.  Anyone struggling with a decision or direction may find some inspiration and an illustration of how the universe spoke to me.  Still others may just be entertained by reading about a harrowing journey with a happy ending.

This is the story as I remember it.  Some of the names, places, details and exact conversations have been changed or omitted.  In some cases this is to protect the identity of the people mentioned, and in others is simply because I don’t actually recall the details and did my best to create dialog or other details to be consistent with the story.

More at https://www.journeytomydaughter.com/book

​https://www.facebook.com/mjasher

https://www.instagram.com/jenniferroseasher/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenniferroseasher/

Guests and the host are not (unless mentioned) licensed pscyho-therapists and speak from their own opinion only. Seek qualified advice if you need help.