How To Get Out Of Trauma And Back To Your Life

When women find out about their husband’s pornography and sex addiction, they go through betrayal trauma. Finding the right help is vital to their recovery from trauma. Unfortunately, many therapists and counselors don’t understand the trauma that these women are suffering from.

At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, our trained coaches are women who have been there. BTR coaches have been through the trauma, the triggers, the hopelessness, and the healing. Working with a BTR coach has some benefits.

Claire, a BTR client, felt lost and confused.

“The biggest challenge was just the feeling of betrayal and not knowing when I’m living in truth and reality versus living in a lie.”

Coach Laura, Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coach, sees this often, “Many of the women have been struggling alone, some for decades.”

Many women are stuck in trauma for months or years, without knowing what to do or how to do it. Coach Laura talks about four reasons why.

4 Reasons Women Stay Stuck In Trauma

* Most women weren’t raised to know that they would have to deal with the issue of pornography, so there’s no preparation for it.

* Some women believe that, if their partner or husband is working recovery and doing well, then their issues will disappear.

* Some women have a difficult time finding qualified help. Many women have talked to counselors who just don’t get it or end up struggling even more.

* Many women are afraid to set and hold boundaries. They don’t understand boundaries and consequences.

I Wasn’t Prepared For This. Now How Do I Get Out?

Now that you know you have to deal with it, know that you are in trauma and get yourself to safety. For more information about betrayal trauma, read here. Find someone safe to talk to. You can learn about how to find a safe person and what a safe person does here.

BTR coaches are safe people and the coach-led support groups provide a safe place where you can share your experiences and receive validation. You can learn more about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Groups here.

You can also follow the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Checklist found here.

My Husband Is In Recovery, Shouldn’t I Be Enjoying Life?

Many women have waited for their husband to get into recovery, believing that all will be well once that happens. Unfortunately, they’ve been traumatized, so simply having a husband in recovery isn’t going to heal the wounds of the trauma.

Claire says, “My husband was in recovery for, probably, two to three years and I didn’t have any help until about a year ago, when I began working with Coach Laura.”

The trauma can leave lingering effects long after a husband has found recovery.

You might be wondering how you can heal from these wounds. Finding qualified help is a good start. Betrayal Trauma Recovery has qualified, experienced coaches to help you through your healing.

Can Qualified Help Get Me Out Of Trauma?

Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Today Coach Laura is here with her client, Claire. We're going to talk about some of the challenges and struggles that wives of pornography addicts or sexual addicts go through, why they seek out a coach, and some of the things they have accomplished by working with our betrayal trauma recovery coaches. Welcome, Coach Laura and Claire! The biggest Challenges Of Being Married To A Sex Addict Claire: The biggest challenge was just the feeling of betrayal and not knowing when I'm living in truth and reality vs. living in a lie. My experience was over a course of seven years of discovering addiction--probably three years in was when I realized it was an addiction--and then coping with how to handle the pain. I didn't know if I was living in a reality where my husband was lying to me about doing it again or going to group; or if he was late to work was he really late from work; trying to work on the marriage I felt stuck and really needed someone to talk to. My husband was in recovery for probably two-three years ago and I didn't have any help until about a year ago when I began seeing Coach Laura. Coach Laura: This is such a common sentiment. Many of the women have been struggling alone, some for decades. I think it is for a couple of reasons. Some women believe that as long as their partner or husband is working on recovery and in a good recovery, their issues will disappear. We know this is not true since this is a form of trauma. It can have some lingering affects. The other reason I think this happens is there really isn't enough qualified help out there. I hear a lot of people saying they have talked to a counselor but they just didn't get it. This is why I am really grateful for my APSATS training. It provides a specific framework to address the trauma these partners go through. To have someone who has walked that journey themselves, who is sensitive to what is really going on with them, and who has the skills and tools that they need to cope with this is really valuable. BTR: This is why it is so important to me to provide qualified coaching - so it's a wonderful experience from the beginning with someone who understands them and who has the APSATS framework to help instead of stumbling through trauma and sometimes suffering with treatment-induced trauma if the therapist doesn't know what they are doing. Claire: I felt like there wasn't anyone who understood so I had church counselors, a few good friends, but I did not have another woman who had been through what I had been through who I could talk to to help validate some of my feelings. I felt really confused about what I was going through and what I was feeling, some of my fears. So it was really helpful to me for Coach Laura to still be married. She was the first person I talked to who had actually gone through this and was still married and in a good recovery. It gave me a lot of hope. BTR: For our listeners, what has your experience been? Please comment below. You can comment anonymously. We would love to hear what your experience has been with therapists or church leaders or friends. Have they understood, have they been able to walk with you? Have they been able to hold your pain? . . . read more at btr.org

Whether you’ve just found Betrayal Trauma Recovery, or you’ve been here for a while, we thought you’d enjoy learning a little bit more about the organization, so here are some things you need to know!

15 Things You Need To Know About Betrayal Trauma Recovery

1. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Was Founded By Anne Blythe

Anne Blythe (a pseudonym to protect her children and family), who has a Master of Education, was an English teacher before her marriage to her ex-husband. Their marriage resulted in three beautiful children, who she often talks about on the podcast. She considers them her greatest blessings.

2. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Grew From Humble Beginnings

After years of trying to "fix" his pornography addiction, Anne’s now ex-husband was arrested for domestic violence in 2015. With a court-ordered no contact boundary in place and help from the domestic violence shelter, she learned what had been really going on in her home, that she was being emotionally abused and physically intimidated by her husband.

She found herself searching for something and, in 2016, she began podcasting. From that podcast, Betrayal Trauma Recovery was born. Today, having served over 1.7 million women, BTR has done more than Anne ever dreamed it could.

3. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcasts Weren’t Always Hosted By "Anne”

In earlier podcasts, she went by Anon. She began calling herself Anne Blythe as a tribute to Anne of Green Gables. Anne, from the books, always talked about finding people who were kindred spirits. Anne, from BTR, feels that her listeners are kindred spirits who are journeying along this path together. Anne Blythe is the name she uses on social media.

4. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Aims To Provide Free Information For Women

Anne started her podcast in 2016. In January 2017, she launched Betrayal Trauma Recovery's services, with professional coaches ready to serve the women in need.

The purpose of Betrayal Trauma Recovery is “to provide a free educational podcast, website and peer-to-peer Facebook Forum for women in need of emotional refuge from the pain and chaos caused by their husband’s lying, gaslighting, manipulation, porn use, cheating, infidelity, emotional abuse and narcissistic traits.”

5. Betrayal Trauma Recovery’s Mission:

“To provide a professionally facilitated online community supporting women to create safety and heal from abuse.”

6. Betrayal Trauma Recovery’s Vision:

“To build a worldwide army of healthy women empowered to create, set, and hold boundaries to stop abuse.”

7. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Has Evolved Into What It Is Today

In the beginning, it was only a podcast. Anne just wanted to educate women, but soon they were contacting her for help. Having heard so many horror stories and experiencing her own treatment-induced trauma, she realized BTR needed to be more than just a podcast.

“After I started podcasting, I had women reaching out to me for help. I knew I could never help everyone one-on-one, which is what everyone needed. So, I endeavored to find the coaches I would have wanted if I had to go through it again. The best coaches in the world all in one place, so women don’t have to find support by sifting through a bunch of bad or sad options.” -Anne Blythe, Founder

8. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Has Certified Coaches

What IS the difference between a therapist and a coach? The main difference is that a therapist can only treat clients in the state in which they are licensed. On the other hand, a coach can treat clients all over the world, which is fantastic, because BTR serves women in 54 countries.

9. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Has Certified Betrayal ...

APSATS stands for The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists

1. APSATS is a non-profit organization that advocates “for ethical care and relational healing for partners, addicts, families and communities impacted by sexual addiction and betrayal trauma.” Like Betrayal Trauma Recovery, APSATS is supported by charitable donations.

2. APSATS is the only organization that exclusively trains, supervises and certifies professionals who coach or treat wives of porn users. Unlike other organizations that focus primarily on treating sex addiction itself (an addict-oriented paradigm), APSATS focuses on the needs of those traumatized by abuse: lying, porn use, infidelity, gaslighting, emotional abuse, physical intimidation, etc. (a victim-oriented paradigm).

3. As APSATS Coaches, we “subscribe to a developing treatment model that acknowledges and responds to the traumatic stress" found in women betrayed by their intimate partner - they're husband, ex-husband, or boyfriend.

Betrayal Trauma Recovery Professionals Are Well Trained & Experienced

4. To be eligible for APSATS training, each of our coaches first trained and certified as a professional life coach by an institution accredited by the International Coach Federation (ICF).

5. In addition to our primary coach training, we've also obtained additional education in related areas of specialization. For example, I’m also a certified couples relationship coach and certified divorce recovery coach. Likewise, Betrayal Trauma Recovery has trained all our coaches in how to detect and establish safety in the wake of emotional abuse.

What Does It Take To Become APSATS Trained To Coach Betrayal Trauma Survivors?

6. APSATS training is an intensive and interactive program, conducted by Dr. Barbara Steffens, president of APSATS and co-author of Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. Other trainers include experts in the field of Betrayal Trauma, such as Dr. Janice Caudill, Richard Blankenship, Ella Hutchinson, Dan Drake and Dorit Reichental.

7. Following our APSATS training, each of us enrolled into the Certified Partner Coach (CPC) Candidate program, a one to two year process that requires 125+ hours of partner coaching, 30+ hours of supervisory consultation, multiple letters of recommendations from peers and supervisors, and a written client case study. Several of our BTR coaches have completed the entire CPC process, while others are actively working toward that advanced designation.

8. APSATS coaches are trained to operate exclusively within the scope of our training and certifications. We’re taught how to recognize cues that suggest our clients might need therapeutic intervention or need a different kind of support than we’re qualified to provide. We maintain an active referral network of other trauma-sensitive professionals, colleagues to whom we can refer our clients as needed.

9. APSATS coaches are trained to understand the neurobiological aspects of intimate partn...

APSATS is the only organization that exclusively trains, supervises and certifies professionals who coach or treat partners of sex addicts. Unlike other organizations that focus primarily on treating sex addiction itself (an addict-oriented paradigm), APSATS zeros in on the needs of those traumatized by sex addiction, porn addiction and related forms of abuse (a partner-oriented paradigm). As APSATS coaches, we “subscribe to a developing treatment model that acknowledges and responds to the traumatic stress found in partners affected by sex addiction.” To secure eligibility for APSATS training, each of our coaches first became trained and certified as a professional life coach, through various institutions accredited by the International Coach Federation (ICF). In addition to our primary life coach training, many of us also secured additional education in related areas of specialization. (For example, I’m a certified life coach, but I’m also a certified couples relationship coach and certified divorce recovery coach.) What Does It Take To Become APSATS Trained To Coach Betrayal Trauma Survivors? Our APSATS training was an intensive and interactive program. Our lead trainer was Dr. Barbara Steffens, president of APSATS and co-author of Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. Other trainers include experts within our field, such as Dr. Janice Caudill, Richard Blankenship, Ella Hutchinson, Dan Drake and Dorit Reichental. Following our APSATS training, each of us enrolled into the Certified Partner Coach (CPC) Candidate program, a one-to-two year process that requires 125+ hours of partner coaching, 30+ hours of supervisory consultation, multiple letters of recommendations from peers and supervisors, and a written client case study. Several of our BTR coaches have completed the entire CPC process, while others are actively working toward that advanced designation. APSATS coaches are trained to operate exclusively within the scope of our training and certifications. We’re taught how to recognize cues that suggest our clients might need therapeutic intervention, or need a different kind of support than we’re qualified to provide. We maintain an active referral network of other trauma-sensitive professionals, colleagues to whom we can refer our clients as needed. APSATS coaches are trained to understand the neurobiological aspects of sex addiction induced trauma and other forms of intimate partner abuse. We’re also trained to recognize the differences between PTSD and complex trauma, or C-PTSD. How Do The BTR APSATS Coaches Help Women Who Are Affected By Betrayal Trauma & Abuse? APSATS coaches are trained to help clients identify other health and wellness issues that are or may become increasingly serious (depression, anxiety, insomnia, etc.), encouraging them to seek appropriate treatment when indicated. APSATS coaches are trained to assess when and how couples therapy or couples coaching might benefit our clients, neither engaging it prematurely nor deferring it indefinitely against their wishes. APSATS coaches are trained to support clients through some of the most painful or challenging milestones of the recovery process: these include events like disclosures, polygraph exams, STD testing, separation, family reunification, sexual reintegration, relapse, public exposure, legal consequences, emotional impact and restitution letters, etc. . . . to read more, go to btr.org

Coach Gaelyn shares a powerful exercise to self sooth when your betrayal trauma is triggered.

I'm Coach Rae, one of the APSATS certified partner coaches here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. I'm also a certified professional life coach, couples relationship coach, and divorce recovery coach. I want to share with you one of my favorite tools for helping women who are just too hard on themselves. I don't know about you, but I don't meet too many women who do not struggle with this to one degree or perhaps in a specific area of their lives. The belief is that they aren't good enough; my best isn't good enough; I'm screwing everything up; I can't hack this; I must be a failure. Self Care When Triggered By Betrayal Trauma As a coach, nothing makes me want to cry more than watching these amazing, brave, beautiful, smart women reeling from betrayal trauma, trying to heal while holding all the rest of their lives together, beating themselves up for not doing better, for not doing as well as they think they should, for not being perfect, for having a learning curve when it comes to all of this.  Whenever I speak to women on this topic I have to add a little bit of a clarification that this sense of self-condemnation is not one more thing you are doing right.  It is actually a sign that you are able to observe what is happening and it gives you some leverage and momentum in terms of being able to turn the tables or shift and re-frame things in a way that instead of being self critical you can actually be self compassionate and self supportive. Here is the exercise.  I recommend listening through as I describe it here first, before actually sitting down to do the exercise for yourself in real time.  This will increase you chances of making this a meaningful and genuine distraction-free exercise at your own pace and in your comfort zone . . . to read more, go to btr.org

Sometimes, even the most heroic of women finds herself hitting that dreaded "rock bottom."  You know the one—that moment where our best attempts at healing have flat-out FAILED, hope is at an all-time LOW, and we’re hijacked somewhere between desperate (“Please throw me a life vest!”) and dead inside (“I honestly don’t care anymore.”) Life as we’ve known it implodes or explodes, and we truly don’t know how to salvage ourselves from beneath the wreckage.  All we really DO know is this: SOMETHING. MUST. CHANGE.  The survival of our hearts and souls depend upon it. So, Then What? For women reeling from the trauma of sex addiction, “rock bottom” can be the darkest, most horrific moment of our lives. Yet for those of us who survive that moment of despair? It can morph, with breathtaking momentum, into a life we honestly didn’t even know was ours for the taking. Because I don’t believe in gracious little soundbites (at least not without the guts to back them up), here’s a little glimpse into my own “rock bottom” story. I wrote this in my journal two years ago, on the eve my 9-year recovery “birthday.” It’s an intimate little piece of my most private experience, but honored to share it here with my BTR sisters… even though I still can’t read it without crying . . . to read more visit btr.org.

Coach Gaelyn recounts the day when she realized she just could not live life the same way anymore.

Gaslighting: Manipulated Love Isn’t Love

Gaslighting In Relationships

Our Certified Betrayal Trauma coaches will help you discover your husband's gaslighting and how to deal with it.  

I'm realizing how early I am in my recovery, and how much I don't understand about betrayal trauma and all the complexities of recovery. I'm grateful that you have been with me as I've shared my recovery process with you in real time. Sometimes I feel peace and have hope, and other times I'm upset and hopeless. Good days are beginning to outnumber the bad days.

Luckily, I get to associate with the Betrayal Trauma Recovery APSATS coaches regularly, and I learn so much from them!

If you are struggling with gaslighting in your relationship, you can schedule a free consultation with one of our coaches.

What Is Gaslighting?

I interviewed a BTR Coach about examples of gaslighting in the podcast. 

BTR Coach: Gaslighting definition: anytime someone attempts to manipulate your perception of reality, your beliefs, your thoughts, your feelings. Someone who is gaslighting is going to try and convince you that your feelings and thoughts are invalid. To truly understand what gaslighting is, we need to look past what is happening to us and focus on how we feel. Gaslighting is what we experience, so the experience of gaslighting is being confused, the inability to understand the truth, a lack of clarity.

Examples Of Gaslighting

Confusion is a big red flag of gaslighting. One example of gaslighting is that when we try to describe our reality, a gaslighter will redirect - so if you accuse your gaslighter of something, the gaslighter will turn around and accuse you of the exact same thing. There's two reasons why:

1. If someone isn't in active recovery, they turn things around to hide their compulsive sexual behaviors or they want to get your attention off of themselves so they don't have to be accountable for their actions.2. If someone is in active recovery, they might gaslight when their shame is triggered.

If someone is still exhibiting gaslighting behaviors after a year or two of recovery - something is wrong. They may have a personality disorder, like narcissism, or they may be lying about their recovery.

What Does Gaslighting Mean?

Anne: I've started to realize that being focused on the reason WHY the gaslighting was happening, isn't as important as learning to recognize the gaslighting and establish boundaries to keep myself safe. But in a nutshell, if you are experiencing gaslighting tactics in your marriage, you are not safe - and that means that you need to get help to know what boundaries to set to keep yourself safe.

To schedule an appointment to talk to any of our BTR Coaches about the gaslighting in your relationship, click here.