If you haven't yet, please read Do I Have Betrayal Trauma? 26 Symptoms before reading this post.Coach Cat, BTR Coach, and Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, continue their discussion of betrayal trauma. In this podcast, they talk about some of the symptoms and responses to the sex addict’s behaviors.Betrayal Trauma Symptoms Can Make You Look CrazyCoach Cat shares a list of the most common trauma responses that she has seen in her clients and other women who are married to sexually addicted men.11 Most Common Betrayal Trauma Responses* Overwhelming emotions* Unusual/uncharacteristic behaviors* Sleep difficulties– too much/too little* ‘Brain fog’– inability to think clearly, memory loss, getting lost easily* Eating problems– inability to eat/overeating* Anxiety/panic attacks* Depression* Rumination/obsessive thoughts and intrusive images/flashbacks* Difficulty caring for self or others* Isolation* Obsessive need to check the internet history, GPS, email accounts, text message history, etc. for signs that the danger is still presentThis is not a comprehensive list. There are many more trauma responses than those listed here. This is an attempt to outline the more common responses post discovery/disclosure.Many women who experience betrayal trauma symptoms and responses are often labeled “crazy” or “out of control” or even “abusive.” While the behavior may seem abnormal, they are normal for someone in trauma.Coach Cat talks about how these symptoms are similar to those of complex PTSD and rape trauma syndrome. She quotes Omar Minwalla’s blog post on nationalpsychologist.com:“Partners often present with a set of symptoms that match symptoms similar to rape trauma syndrome (RTS) and complex post-traumatic-stress disorder (C-PTSD), including psycho-biological alterations, re-experiencing of the trauma, social and emotional constriction, constant triggering and reactivity, significant anxiety, emotional arousal and hyper-vigilance.“Sex addiction-induced trauma is a highly specific type of trauma that involves nuanced symptoms that can include fear and panic of potential disease and contamination, fear of child safety and potential of child molestation, social isolation, embarrassment and shame and intense relational rupture and attachment injuries.”Betrayal Trauma Symptoms Are A Result Of AbuseCoach Cat talks about the abuse that accompanies the addiction.“The work of Minwalla, Steffens et al, reveals some added dimensions to the trauma suffered by partners of sex addicts in the vulnerability they experience to behavioral abuse, treatment-induced trauma and spiritual crisis.“Many sex addicts accompany their secretive sexual behavior with a number of mind-bending tactics to conceal their secret lives.“Many are experts at gaslighting and demonstrate an impressive array of narcissistic traits. This is all designed to confuse the partner and render her incapable of trusting her reality and thus incapable of challenging the addict’s behavior.“Many women report aggressive and violent behaviors from the addicted person after their secret world is discovered.”Not all women who have a sex-addicted husband experience the violent and aggressive abuse. However, the lying, gaslighting, and manipulation that accompany the addiction are abusive. For more information on how they are abusive, read

Last week, we started to gain some insight into betrayal trauma and the history of this approach. This week, we turn our attention to the common symptoms and experiences we have as a result of the relational wound we have suffered... Betrayal Trauma Symptoms So, what are the trauma responses most often seen in female partners of sexually addicted men? Overwhelming emotions Unusual/uncharacteristic behaviours Sleep difficulties – too much/too little ‘Brain fog’ – inability to think clearly, memory loss, getting lost easily Eating problems – inability to eat/overeating Anxiety/panic attacks Depression Rumination/obsessive thoughts and intrusive images/flashbacks Difficulty caring for self or others Isolation Obsessive need to check the internet history, GPS, email accounts, text message history etc for signs that the danger is still present There will be many more trauma responses to those listed here, this is an attempt to outline the more common responses post discovery/disclosure.  Omar Minwalla writes the following in a blog for nationalpsychologist.com: Partners often present with a set of symptoms that match symptoms similar to rape trauma syndrome (RTS) and complex post-traumatic-stress disorder (C-PTSD), including psycho-biological alterations, re-experiencing of the trauma, social and emotional constriction, constant triggering and reactivity, significant anxiety, emotional arousal and hyper-vigilance. Sex addiction-induced trauma is a highly specific type of trauma that involves nuanced symptoms that can include fear and panic of potential disease and contamination, fear of child safety and potential of child molestation, social isolation, embarrassment and shame and intense relational rupture and attachment injuries. Betrayal Trauma & Abuse The work of Minwalla, Steffens et al, reveals some added dimensions to the trauma suffered by partners of sex addicts in the vulnerability they experience to behavioural abuse, treatment induced trauma and spiritual crisis. Many sex addicts accompany their secretive sexual behaviour with a number of mind bending tactics to conceal their secret lives. Many are experts at gaslighting and demonstrate an impressive array of narcissistic traits, all designed to confuse the partner and render her incapable of trusting her reality and thus incapable of challenging the addict’s behaviour . . . to read more visit btr.org

What Is Betrayal Trauma? Over the coming weeks we will be exploring this term of Betrayal Trauma to really get to grips with what this means and what the ‘trauma model’ is about. We will start today by looking at the concept of trauma and how it applies to the experience we have as partners and wives of men with compulsive or addictive sexual behaviours. Over the next two weeks we will unpack some of the common symptoms and experiences we share and will conclude by looking at the stages of trauma healing and recovery. This will give you an insight into what you can expect when working through the healing process with a trauma trained professional, such as our APSATS trained coaches here at BTR. The Trauma In Betrayal Trauma To begin to explore the idea of betrayal trauma, it is helpful to understand trauma from a holistic standpoint. The word ‘trauma’ has its roots in the Greek word for ‘wound’ which is a pretty good description of any kind of trauma. It is the wounding effect of an event, situation or instance upon us. Various dictionary definitions of the word converge on terms describing the ‘distressing’ or ‘disturbing’ nature of the events that produce trauma, which could be defined as the lasting psychological state produced by such events. Some trauma events are accompanied by physical trauma (ie wounds to the body), while others are limited to the psychological impact, that on the mind and spirit. Interestingly, whilst they are, arguably, more common, psychological traumas are often misunderstood, misdiagnosed or entirely unnoticed, due to their lack of visibility to the outside world. A physical trauma, like a gunshot wound or a broken leg, is harder to ignore after all. Whilst all traumatic events are different and all people exposed to trauma have a unique interaction with it and bring different tolerances to emotional stress and different levels of resilience, trauma produces a number of typical symptoms in those who experience it. These symptoms are likely to consist of some of the following (From Your Sexually Addicted Spouse) . . . read more at btr.org

Pornography Widows And How To Help Them

Who is a Pornography Widow?

A Pornography Widow is a woman who has lost her husband to pornography. She often feels lonely or alone when she is surrounded by people. When she finds out about his addiction, she grieves the man she thought she had married.

The discovery causes betrayal trauma. Grieving what they once had is one of the phases of healing from betrayal trauma. For more information on the healing process, please read here.

Many women in trauma find help and comfort in the scriptures. Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, often studies the scriptures. She often finds stories that relate to her own situation.

“The parable of the unjust judge explains a lot about how to care for widows who are hurting because of their husband’s spiritual death, often caused by his pornography use and subsequent lies and hypocrisy.

“In Luke 18:2-9, Jesus teaches the parable of the unjust judge. A widow comes to the unjust judge and asks him to hold her ‘adversary’ accountable. At first, the unjust judge does nothing. He’s unhappy with her continued requests for help. He decides to pacify her with words.”

Many women have reached out to our church leaders, clergy, or others for help. Many of them have said the wrong things or just didn’t know what to do. This can lead to more trauma.

If you’ve been further traumatized by clergy or others whom you’ve reached out to for help, try an Individual Session on Healing from Clergy Induced Trauma.

What Doesn’t Help A Pornography Widow?

Anne points out that the unjust judge only said something, he didn’t do anything. This judge does nothing to avenge the widow.

“The unjust judge placates her, feigning righteousness, ‘Will not God avenge you? You pray to Him all day and night, and He listens to you. I’m sure God will help you. When Jesus comes again, will He find that you have faith?’

“Christ targets this parable ‘unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others.’”

As Anne read this scripture, she found herself relating to this widow.

“As this kind of widow myself, when I read this scripture, it rang so true to me. I have found myself in this exact situation. 

“We know the judge is unjust. This is an example of what not to do.

“One of the most common examples of a widow petitioning for help is a wife wanting her church leader to hold her husband accountable for his covenant-breaking, lying, pornography use, and abuse. She does this because she loves her husband and wants to save her family.”

When men participate in acting out behaviors, they are, essentially, abandoning their family to their addiction.

Active pornography users exhibit some or many of these behaviors. The severity of these behaviors differs from individual to individual:

* Lying

* Manipulation

* Gaslighting

* Lashing Out In Anger

* Neglecting Emotional Needs Of Family Members

* Emotionally Abusing Family Members

* Neglecting Household Duties and Other Family Responsibilities

* Narcissistic Traits

Helping Widows - Women Married To Pornography / Sexual Addicts The parable of the unjust judge explains a lot about how to care for widows who are hurting because of their husband’s spiritual death, often caused by his pornography use and subsequent lies and hypocrisy. In Luke 18:2-9, Jesus teaches the parable of the unjust judge. A widow comes to the unjust judge and asks him to hold her “adversary” accountable. At first the unjust judge does nothing. He’s unhappy with her continued requests for help. He decides to pacify her with words. Jesus adds here, listen to what the unjust judge “saith”, making a point that there is no action done on his part to avenge the widow. The unjust judge placates her, feigning righteousness, “Will not God avenge you? You pray to Him all day and night, and He listens to you. I’m sure God will help you. When Jesus comes again, will He find that you have faith?” Christ targets this parable “unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others.” As this kind of widow myself, when I read this scripture, it rang so true to me. I have found myself in this exact situation.  We know the judge is unjust. So this is an example of what not to do. One of the most common examples of a widow petitioning for help is a wife wanting her church leader to hold her husband accountable for breaking his covenants: lying, pornography use, and abuse. She does this because she loves her husband and she wants to save her family . . . read more at btr.org

Coach Sarah educates us about different gaslighting tactics used by

pornography / sexual addicts.

I'm Anne. If you're wondering who I am and why I do this, I'm just a regular woman who is recovering from her ex-husband's sexual addictions and related emotional and physical abuse, and subsequent abandonment and divorce. Coach Rae is here today to talk about what it takes to thrive before and during a divorce from a sex addict.  Divorce Does Not Cure Betrayal Trauma When we discuss a topic like divorce, I need to pause and say something that is really important to me. Here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we're very supportive of marriage. We do not want to suggest that divorce is a way to solve or resolve or heal from betrayal trauma. On the contrary, we know that some relationships do recover and we proudly support sheroes who experience healing within safe and stable relationships. We also know that some relationships do not recover for a variety of reasons. We are equally as proud to support those sheroes who heal from separation and divorce. Anne: Coach Rae, as you interact with women who are both in relationships of divorce or are divorcing, how do you see the trauma expressed in both of these situations? Coach Rae: What I have concluded, Anne, in working with women who are in relationships and those who are healing from the aftermath of a relationship, is that it is an equal but opposite proposal--so there is healing to be done, regardless. Some women are able and successful due to some circumstances not in their control to heal within their relationship. The reality is that women who do this healing for their own sake whether they are in a relationship or outside it, it is still healing and trauma and requires a great deal of support from others along the way. Anne: What are the three most common challenges women have in dealing with the trauma during and after a divorce from a sex addict? read more at btr.org

Coach Cat: If you have a read of my full bio on the BTR website, you’ll get the full info on the background that led me to what led me to work betrayed women professionally. But in a nutshell, I would say that it came about after I struggled to find a professional who truly understood what I was going through when I discovered my husband’s sexual issues. I was actually terrified to find a professional to work with as I’d read so much about the hurtful, traumatic and unhelpful advice that others had received and I wasn’t prepared to spend large amounts of money on what felt like a huge risk. I knew that I had something to offer to others as I worked through my own healing and I felt deeply moved to support others through their healing to simply alleviate some of the absolute isolation I felt. As the wife of a pastor in training I knew what it felt like to feel unable to tell a soul and to carry this burden alone and I didn’t want that for anyone else. That was my motivation to work professionally with betrayed women, that and my unshakeable belief that we were built to OVERCOME. I have survived my own addiction and recovery and have found within me a previously untapped resource of wisdom and strength that I see in my clients over and over and it’s such a huge joy to me to walk beside a woman as she unlocks the strength she didn’t know she had! What Resources Do You Use To Help Women Heal From Betrayal Trauma? Coach Rae: Here at BTR, we’re all looking forward to your new Facebook-based workbook study that begins April 3rd, utilizing the popular workbook Intimate Treason: Healing the Trauma for Partners Confronting Sex Addiction. Can you tell us a bit more about that book? What format does it use? What topics does it cover? Coach Cat: Of course. There’s a lot to love about this book, not least the gentle and sensitive approach it takes to creating new awareness. I love that it doesn’t feel accusatory in its approach to opening up new awareness of behaviors, but rather offers an invitation to take a peek at your own coping strategies and trauma responses, understand and educate yourself about what’s really going on there and ask yourself how well they serve you. I also love the really tangible strategies it offers. Because this is a work book, there is some work to be done, work that will be challenging at times but that will get results. It’s not the same as reading a book and thinking that they sound like some great ideas, its working through a book and actually applying those good ideas to my life and turning them into something tangible and achievable for my life . . . read more at btr.org

Coach Cat and Coach Gaelyn talk about how Betrayal Trauma Recovery Daily Support Group Sessions can help you heal.

Just want to give you an update about how my recovery is going.  Most of you know that my divorce was finalized in February. So February was rough. I went through a frantic trauma mode, realizing that this is real, this is happening, and now I need a concrete plan to move forward. It's very interesting because God is telling me the opposite thing: to relax, to trust Him, and to just take one step at a time. I'm trying to take a step back and not try so hard and to trust that I am a lily of the field and He will take care of me. I'm struggling with living in the present. I'm disassociating frequently--where I get lost in my thoughts and zone out. Self-care is also a struggle. I don't get out of the house much. I take care of my kids and don't put makeup on or do my hair; exercising has also been rough. I really need to start focusing on self care because I think it would help my agoraphobia. I have a serious issue and that is I cannot stand to wear a bra! I can't stand it! I don't know if this is a part of the trauma. I avoid leaving the house so I don't have to put one on or I wear a big coat!  In the book, Your Sexually Addicted Spouse Barbara Steffens writes, "A messy exterior does not equal co-dependency." She also says, "We believe it can be extremely difficult for any professional to clearly assess a partner's personal empowerment because her post traumatic can trigger such extreme responses that the person may appear to exhibit co-dependency and erratic mental health. Such a person may look panicked, unkempt, hysterical, angry, depressed, impatient, and even abrasive as she sees her marriage, dreams, and life crumble, lost to a spouse's sexual addiction. Yet we have found that if we look under the surface presentation of a sex addicts partner and seek to understand the motivation beneath her behavior, we can begin to more clearly understand where the person is coming from. Only then can we help her to determine what she needs to feel safe again. Empower her to act in her own best interest and help her to begin to heal. Once this early ER treatment and beginning steps of healing takes place, we find most partners are able to look at personal issues on which they need to work." . . . read more at btr.org