Coach Sarah and Anon talk about the basics of gaslighting in the context of

sexual addiction.

The S-Anon Blue Book gives us some incredible insights into unmanageability. It reads, “We are concerned with two principles in Step One: that we cannot control the sexaholic or his or her sexual behavior, and that because of our attempts to do so our lives have become unmanageable” (S-Anon, 1). I am convinced that pornography addicts exhibit similar behaviors to those with narcissistic personality disorder. The more we attempt to uncover the truth, the more our own reality unravels. Even those of us who are not naturally codependent, find ourselves in a confusing world of drama, attempting to sort out what is really happening and why. “Accepting our powerlessness is our first admission that we “give up.” This may feel defeating and very frightening at first. In the past, we depended upon ourselves to get through every crisis or difficulty. We relied on our intellects, our theologies, our past experiences and on new schemes and strategies we developed. We felt sure that each new strategy would work, and even when it didn’t, we just bounced back with even more self-sufficiency and determination to succeed the next time. Our natural impulses were to take over, to force the issue, to make changes. We perceived ourselves to be more competent that the sexaholic and felt sure that being “strong” was the answer” . . . read more at btr.org/stories

Many women wonder, "What is codependency? What does it mean to be codependent? Am I codependent?" They also wonder how codependency is different from betrayal trauma. Coach Rae, what does it mean to be codependent and why is the term sometimes offensive to wives of sex addicts. Coach Rae: Codependence started as a way to designate the struggles expressed by partners of addicts and also the behaviors and coping mechanisms exercised in order to survive that type of dynamic. Even when psychotherapists refer to the term codependent, they are referring to a combination of other behaviors or issues. Whether it's a term we're hearing someone else use about their own lives, or whether it's a term we're coming to on our own, it can be tense when our feelings about the term is different than someone else might interpret the term. Anon: When I hear the term codependent, I think that I was codependent before my marriage, and that's why I ended up marrying a pornography addict. But from your description, you're saying that it's a set of behaviors that develops as a coping mechanism after the marriage. Is that your understanding of it? That's blowing my mind! Because the way I viewed it before felt like, since I'm codependent - all of the problems in my marriage are my fault. But what you're saying is, that my abusive husband's behaviors were so traumatizing that I developed a set of coping skills around in. Coach Rae: The way you describe it as the coping skills we develop is the one we relate to more. You'll often hear about women who choose addict husband's are carrying baggage from their past, but sometimes they're not. I can't tell you the number of times I hear a woman say, "I grew up in an extremely functional family, with parents who are loving, spiritual, and connected." These women struggle more to understand how they ended up in the relationship with an addict, versus women who grow up in an abusive situation who marry someone similar to their father. One thing I think you highlight, that's important, is the ability to take something that once felt like a loaded indictment, like, you caused all this chaos in your life, That feeling of being blamed or cornered or labeled, doesn't mean that you need to be stuck there . . . read more at btr.org/stories

When a woman discovers that her husband is a sex addict and her life is not what she thought it was, she experiences betrayal trauma.

At times, she can feel like she's drowning and life can seem unmanageable.

Anne, Founder at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, shares her experience of trying to manage the unmanageable, and how she finally found some peace amidst her trauma.

Self-Care Can Be a Life Preserver In Trauma

Something that Anne does as part of her self-care is to study her scriptures.

One morning, she was studying Matthew Chapter 9 in the Bible. In verse 18 of this chapter, a man humbly approaches Jesus and says, “My daughter is even now dead; but come and lay thy hand upon her, and she shall live.”

This scripture reminded Anne of her then soon-to-be-ex-husband. He had filed for divorce and made no effort to reunite with his family. This grieved Anne greatly.

She knelt and prayed, “God, my husband is even now dead, but come and lay thy hand upon him and he shall live.”

By this time, she felt her husband had died spiritually and, since he refused to attempt reconciliation and she had no contact with him, she also felt he had physically died from her life.

As much as she desired her husband to be whole and return to his family, she realized that he was not in a mindset to do so. This brought her great sadness and grief.

“It is unlikely that my husband will allow himself to be healed in his current mindset. I have no idea. But I am seeking healing, so I can be healed.” -Anne, Founder at Betrayal Trauma Recovery

She found comfort in verses 20-22 of the same chapter in Matthew.

20  And, behold, a woman, which was diseased with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind him, and touched the hem of his garment:

21  For she said within herself, If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole.

22  But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour.

As she prayed, Anne realized that these scriptures weren’t about her husband this morning, but for her.

“I can be made whole from the pain and trauma I've been experiencing by touching the hem of Christ's garment.” -Anne, Founder at Betrayal Trauma Recovery

She felt a warm and comforting peace wash over her. This peace seemed to say, “All will be well. I will keep you safe.”

As she felt this peace, she reflected on her pre-marriage days.

Drowning At Sea, Reaching For A Life Preserver

“Since I didn’t get married until I was 31, I was single for a long time. During that time, I would date people and it wouldn’t work out. Sometimes, I could imagine myself drowning in a stormy sea." -Anne, Founder at Betrayal Trauma Recovery

The Analogy Of The Drowning Swimmer

In this image, Anne could feel the choppy water splashing in her face, as she struggled to keep her head above water.

In the distance, she could see God in a boat.

In His hands were the end of a rope. Attached to that long rope was a life preserver.

She could see Him throw it to her, but each time she reached for it, it seemed He would pull it away from her. Each time it was pulled away, her head dipped under the water.

Again, she would struggle to the surface, gasping for air, reaching for the life preserver.

It seemed it was always just out of her reach.

Anne panicked, wondering if she would ever reach safety. This is how she felt every time she felt things were becoming unmanageable.

Trauma Can Make Life Seem Unmanageable

Soon after reading these scriptures, Anne was talking to her coach about how unmanageable she felt everything was. Her coach suggested she reexamine some of the things she was doing.

Step 1, admitting our life is completely unmanageable can help us find peace. For many of us, admitting this seems like giving up. I was single for a long time, didn't get married until I was 31. And during my single years, I would date people and it wouldn't work out, and I had an image in my mind that I was in drowning on a stormy sea. The water was extremely choppy, splashing in my face, and I could barely keep my head above water. I could see God in a boat, far away from me, and He had thrown in a donut shaped life preserver. The life preserver was attached to a rope, and He held the rope. Every time, I reached out to grab the life preserver, God would pull it away, out of my reach. My head would go under water, and I'd come up again gasping, again, trying to grab it. He would again pull it away. I could never reach safety. Working With An SALifeline Sponsor To Be Safe From Gaslighting I called my sponsor to talk to her about my struggles. One of my character defects is OCD. I have a hard time being present when it hits because my mind can't let go of my worries and get distracted by my thoughts. She suggested to me that I wasn't working good recovery. So I took a break from BTR and I fasted from the internet for three days to get back on track, and get God in my center. My soon-to-be-ex-husband had recently posted a post about me on Facebook, gaslighting everyone, saying that I was the cause of the divorce. I needed to get God back in my center. She suggested that I write down all the things in my life that are unmanageable. It was quite the list: my housework, my children's behavior, my hair, working out, eating vegetables - what wasn't unmanageable! At the top of the list was the consequences of my husband's abusive behaviors and his choices. After I talked with my sponsor about how my life is unmanageable, I meditated about the image of me drowning and God being in my life - seeing him, seeing him sort of help me, but that I can't really get the help I need . . . read more at btr.org/stories

Protecting kids became Kristen’s mission after she received a late-night phone call from a traumatized mother who was dealing with the tragic consequences of her porn-addicted son. That’s when she linked arms with Dr. Gail Poyner and spent the next three years writing the Amazon #1 best-selling book, Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids. Since then, Kristen has become a frequent speaker and guest on podcasts, webinars, and radio broadcasts and is a member of the Prevention Task Force of the National Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation. She actively blogs at ProtectYoungMinds.org where she helps parents empower their kids to reject pornography. After hearing tragic stories of kids getting exposed and addicted to pornography, Kristen wrote Good Pictures Bad Pictures; Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids to fill a much-needed resource gap . . . read more at btr.org/stories

The Holidays Are A Good Time For Boundaries

Holiday Boundaries Keep Us Safe

Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, invites one woman to share her story of setting boundaries around the holidays.

“V is sharing today her Thanksgiving experience. Many of us have experiences like this, where we desperately want our families to be a safe and peaceful place, but because of our husband’s behaviors it’s not an option, right now.

“I have felt the terror of realizing, my husband hates me, or my husband is always angry and irritable. That terror caused me to ruminate about our interactions, instead of taking action to keep myself safe.”

Even around the holidays, when your greatest desire is to be around family, we need to set boundaries and hold them. We deserve to be safe, even around the holidays.

Boundaries Keep Us Safe When Our Husband Isn’t Working Recovery

V talks about her experience setting boundaries around holiday activities.

“My husband and I are currently separated. We've been separated for three months. He is not working recovery right now. That is what led to me asking him to move out—because he was lying constantly and was emotionally abusive. I felt like I was going crazy and it came to a point where I said you have to be working recovery or you can’t live here.

“He said he would go to a meeting. I found out that he lied and didn’t go. I asked him to move out, at that point. That was one of the first boundaries that I enforced.”

V only wanted to have peace in her home. Her husband’s choices prevented that. She needed clarity, so she set a boundary.

“I remember feeling so desperate for a peaceful home, that it was as if I had no other choice than to ask him to leave. I was surrounded by trauma and pain, constantly, because of his lack of recovery.”

It can be difficult to hold boundaries, especially when you just want your family to be together and happy. When V had to hold her boundary, it was painful and uncomfortable.

Boundaries Can Help Us Have Peace During The Holidays

“I’ve held that boundary. It’s been very difficult. I didn’t realize how hard it would be. I did spend Thanksgiving with my husband’s family, and he was there. It was very uncomfortable because I don’t spend much time with my husband, other than interacting when he’s coming by to watch our son while I’m at therapy or group.

“Thanksgiving was really hard. Physically being around him was very triggering.”

V wanted her family to be together for Christmas.  

“We talked about getting a Christmas tree. I love Christmas. It’s my favorite holiday, and I love the idea of my family being together and doing the holiday traditions together.

“There are so many things I want to do as a family. I realized this morning that I needed to make a boundary about the amount of time I spend with him. I thought about it for a long time, and I talked with a recovery contact, and I prayed about it.”

V let her husband’s actions show her whether he was safe or not.

“I came to the conclusion that, as much as I wanted to, I didn’t feel I was safe enough to go get a Christmas tree with my husband, He has not shown me that he is safe for me to spend that time with him and that time as...

My husband and I are currently separated. We've been separated for three months. He is not working recovery right now. That is what led to me asking him to move out... because he was lying constantly and was emotionally abusive. And I felt like I was going crazy and it came to a point where I said you have to be working recovery or you can’t live here. He said he would go to a meeting. I found out that he lied and didn’t go. I asked him to move out at that point. And that was one of the first boundaries that I enforced. I remember feeling so desperate for a peaceful home, that it was as if I had no other choice than to ask him to leave because I was so surrounded by trauma and pain constantly because of his lack of recovery. I’ve held that boundary. It’s been really difficult. I didn’t realize how hard it would be. I did spend Thanksgiving with my husband’s family and he was there. It was very uncomfortable because I don’t spend much time with my husband other than interacting when he’s coming by to watch our son while I’m at therapy or group. ...Read more at btr.org

How To Be Grateful Through Betrayal Trauma

Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, guides us through a meditation of gratitude.

“We’re going to do a gratitude meditation. Right now, if you can, find a soft, warm blanket and lay down on the floor flat on your back. Now, cover yourself with said blanket. This meditation will only take a few minutes, but I promise, if you take this time to lay down and relax for a bit, you’ll feel better when we’re done:).

“Instead of ruminating on thoughts like, why does my husband hate me or if I could learn how to check the cookies, give yourself a much-needed break from the pain. You've been hurt enough, don't let your thoughts hurt you more.

“I’ll wait for a minute for you to do this. Feel free to pause the podcast until you get your blanket.

“During this meditation, my words will become your words. I will speak in the first person, so that the words can sink into your subconscious. All you have to do is lay flat on the ground, with no pillow or anything—just a warm, soft blanket over you. This is my Thanksgiving present to you. I meditate often and it helps a lot with my Betrayal Trauma symptoms.

“Okay, are you ready?

Meditation Can Help You Be Grateful When You’re In Trauma

“As I lay here, a wave of relaxation comes over my body. The top of my head opens, and as the relaxation moves up all negative emotions and thoughts float out the top of my head. I am feeling calm and relaxed. 

“My toes are like rubber bands dangling from the balls of my feet. From the balls of my feet all the way down through the heels, the muscles and nerves relax. The circulation flows through me, not only relaxing me, but bringing my muscles, nerves, and bones into perfect balance and health. 

“All my muscles are long, supple, strong, relaxed and flexible, my ligaments are strong and whole, and my organs work perfectly. 

“This relaxation moves up through my ankles. The ankles relax and the muscles and bones are balanced. The relaxation moves up through the calf muscles and the calves relax and grow long. My calf muscles are like long cooked spaghetti dangling from the bone. Energy soothingly surges through my calves and up to my knees.

“The relaxation continues up and my thigh muscles grow long and strong. My quads grow long and strong in gentle relaxation. The relaxation moves into the deepest part of my glute muscles. The muscles let go—relaxed, supple, and flexible as energy flows into my inner thighs and tightens them. My pelvic space relaxes, and the energy heals all the muscles and joints.

“Moving up through my hips and pelvis, I relax even more. Although the muscles in my pelvis are strong and pull my pelvis into place, the muscles, tendons, joints, and bones elongate and create more space for my organs. My organs are soft and whole.

“I see my intestines; they gently dangle over the side. The residue softly squeezes out of my intestines. My intestines are relaxed, completely empty, whole, and clean. I slowly and gently place my intestines back into my lengthened pelvic cavity.

“As I let go, the new and vital and fresh flows through me. My pelvic cavity is healed, comfortable and relaxed. The energy surges up through my abdomen.

Betrayal takes many different forms. The most common form of betrayal is lying. Other forms are emotional abuse, pornography use, infidelity, and being emotionally unavailable. Lying Is The Common Denominator In Betrayal Lying is the most common form of betrayal and abuse. Lying enables someone to control a situation, essentially exploiting the person or people they’re lying to. It enables someone to control your perception of the situation and remain active in his compulsive sexual behaviors while maintaining his relationship with you. He has “reasons” for his actions which are actually lies. Sex addicts love to portray themselves as unable to control their hormonal urges, which is untrue. Without lying, an active abuser and an addict’s whole world falls apart. When someone lies to you, they take away your dignity. The philosopher Kant said that a person's intrinsic worth (human dignity) allows them to act as rational as possible and make their own decisions. But when you're being lied to, it harms your dignity by purposefully withholding key information you need to make key decisions. Lies are traumatizing. When I realized I wasn’t living the life I thought I was, I began suffering intense trauma episodes of uncontrollable crying and panic.