Today we have a brave woman sharing her D-Day story. If you are interested in sharing your D-Day story please email me at [email protected]. I’d also like to ask those of you who are working the SALifeline Twelve Step Betrayal Trauma Recovery program with a sponsor to consider sharing on this podcast as part of your Step Twelve work. I’m grateful for those who went before me to share their stories and help me find this program. It’s wonderful to help others come to the program too. So here is one of my sisters sharing her story: I wanted to do a share about my D-Day, mostly because today is the three year anniversary of my D-Day. Three years ago, it was a Sunday and I had been at church. At that time I had a young colicky baby. So church for me meant a lot of walking the halls and dealing with sad baby. But that particular day the third hour of church they had a special kind of visitor come. It was two missionaries from the LDS church's addiction recovery program specifically on pornography recovery. They came and talked to the women and the men of my congregation about the addiction recovery program and about their stories. I only was able to hear a little of it because I was in and out with the baby. But I was just thinking at the time “Wow, I’m so grateful I don’t have to deal with that.” So we went home after church and we got the baby and my older daughter down for a nap and I was just talking to my husband and I said something like, “I’m really glad that you don’t have that problem so we don’t have to deal with it.” And he got this look on his face, just this like green, almost sick look. And I said, “Am I right? We don’t have to deal with that, right?” And I had thought, I mean I had thought it wasn’t even an issue. Before we got married I had asked him about it, he had told me he was fine, and so in my mind I had covered that. But he hadn’t been truthful because, hello, addict! So we had been living a lie. So, his face goes green, and he said, “Actually I have a problem.” And went on to shatter my life. It was three days before our three year wedding anniversary which really pissed me off too, let’s be honest, because it just, I mean I was looking forward to our anniversary. I can’t even remember right now what we had planned, probably just dinner, but it just changed the whole thing. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do. And after that I just froze. ​I felt like I couldn’t trust my husband anymore that trust was completely shattered and I didn’t know where to go from there. I am one who struggles, who has struggled with emotions. Dealing with, sharing with, just feeling emotions. I grew up in a home where especially negative emotions were not ok. We, my siblings and I joke that we grew up in, like our family is British. We don’t talk about real things. We don’t talk about negative emotion. We don’t talk about depression, or anxiety, or pornography addiction. I didn’t know how to handle it, so I just froze. It took me a long time to start my own recovery. In fact it wasn’t until this year when my husband had another relapse and I just kind of was done and decided to stop focusing on him and started focusing on me, and that has helped me to be in recovery. It’s kind of been neat for me to look back on this the third anniversary of my D-Day and see just the crushed person I was back then because I was, I was so crushed and so sure that it would lead to divorce or sadness or just how it effected the next, you know, two or three years of my life where I was terrified to have another child with him or terrified to make any plans because my fear of the future was so great. But then now, today, being where I am, where I have a sponsor, I’m in good recovery, I’ve found my serenity, and luckily my husband has been working too, I’ve been blessed with that so he’s been in recovery and our relationship is the best it’s ever been.

I want to talk about Step 7 which is one of my favorite steps. I love all the steps, but I have seen so much growth in being willing to have God remove my character weaknesses. When I have humbly asked him to do so, it has changed my life. Step 7 is the part where we humbly asking God to remove our shortcomings. The humility really comes from the other steps. When I started this program I was not humble at all and I still have so far to go. But I’m feeling more humble now than I have ever felt in my life. Knowing that I am powerless and that I have defects I don’t have the power to fix, has humbled me. Because humility is so essential for change, we go through Steps 1-6 to develop enough humility for Step 7. Because step 7 is not about just demanding that we are this amazing person. Like “God fix me now!!!” That is not at all what Step 7 is about. From the Blue Book: “We frequently misunderstand the word humility. Often we think it implies weakness, lack of character, or helplessness. In a world that exalts fame and fortune humility does not seem like a desirable quality. Instead we believe success requires pride and ambition.” Now this next paragraph in the Blue Book describes me perfectly… “Many of us spent years achieving the kind of success we can measure in money and material possessions. We tried to be successful in our careers and thought that it was the way to guarantee happiness. We acquired comfortable homes and thought that would guarantee comfort. We thought we could guarantee a secure future through hard work and intelligence.” So that sentence was me to a t. I thought that I could guarantee a secure future through hard work and intelligence and, so I just attacked everything with that hard work and intelligence thinking I knew the right way to do things. “We thought meeting our physical and material needs were the primary goals of our lives. We were not necessarily wrong, it’s just left out some important priorities. Even though we meant well, we hindered ourselves with our lack of humility. We didn’t realize how important humility is in building our characters. Nor did we see that spiritual needs have to come before any others. At times, we did have a sincere desire to build our characters, but when we had to choose between character and comfort somehow comfort always won.” That describes me perfectly. “When we had to choose between character and comfort, somehow comfort always won. In SAnon we learn that pride and fear were the motives for much of our irrational behavior. We feared that we would never get the things our pride told us we deserved. We feared we would lose the relationships and material possessions we had.” That's why for me I didn’t set boundaries because I was very fearful that I would lose my relationship and my worst fears have come to pass and I’m ok. I’m ok. As we approach Step 7 most of us have learned to call upon God in times of great need. We really have begun to desire humility instead of just accepting it as something we should want. We have learned that we can accomplish more with a humble attitude then we can when we are prideful and fearful. Humility works better not only when we are asking God for help but also when we are dealing with other people in our lives. Humility allows us to ask for and accept God’s forgiveness. With that forgiveness our consciences can be at ease . . .

In this podcast, I read through several topics suggested in the Blue Print for Progress. Going through these topics has helped me uncover more character defects and get tot he bottom of the character defects that I'm still having trouble with. This process has also helped me understand my character assets. From the Blue Print For Progress: "The Fourth Step can be an essential tool for personal growth. Many of us have been so obsessed with the behaviors of a [sexaholic] that we developed a limited sense of ourselves. We may have lost sight of our personal goals, neglected our potential, and become too concerned with our attempts to change someone else. Often our good qualities lay hidden behind frustration and fear." "Step Four is an exercise in perception, a way to distinguish between what works in our lives and what is no longer useful or necessary." "There is no perfect way to do Step Four, but it is important simply to tell it like it is and to identify the areas where we have experienced the most trouble . . . our willingness to seek improvement is one of our greatest assets." Steps 4,5,6, and 7 are ongoing. We do it the best we can each time, each time realizing that as some character defects are removed, others will become more apparent. It is the process that is important. From the SAL Script: "With the loving help of each other and God, we focus on taking positive actions to make our lives more serene and fulfilling, regardless of whether or not the sex addict chooses sobriety. We attend as many meetings as we can, we get a sponsor, and we begin to apply the principles of the Twelve Steps to our lives. We use the telephone and recovery literature. Eventually we reach out to help others and try to carry the message of our own recovery. We do these things in our own way, one day at a time - striving for progress, not perfection. This is what is meant by "working the program."

Finding A Safe Person Can Save You From Abuse

***Podcast disclaimer: Early in Anne’s healing journey, as are many women, she was exposed to the codependency model for recovery from being married to a sex addict. She has since realized that she and other wives of addicts have truly experienced betrayal trauma. Betrayal Trauma Recovery no longer supports the codependency model because it has been found to cause more harm than good. Betrayal Trauma Recovery strictly uses the trauma model for assisting women who are seeking peace and safety amid the chaos of their reality.Anne continues to utilize the 12-step manual for developing and improving her own relationship with God. Anne now uses the trauma model for her own healing. You can find more about her thoughts on this podcast here.*** When Your Safe Person Isn’t Safe AnymoreThe devastating blow that women receive when their husband discloses, or she discovers, his porn addiction can leave her feeling as though she is drowning. The man she trusted and shared everything with has put a whole in the boat. His disclosure leaves her feeling lost, in the middle of the ocean of lies and deceit, without a life preserver.The trauma of that moment, when she finds out her life, and her marriage, has been a lie, can leave her feeling like she is suffocating. Sometimes, it’s a physical feeling, but, mostly, it’s a mental and emotional feeling.This overwhelming discovery—the cheating, the lies, the secrecy, everything—can leave her feeling like she will never breathe again. When this happens, it is difficult for her to reach out for help. You see, she’s barely treading water. She’ll have days where she seems to be fine, on the surface, but underneath, she’s being dragged down by the undertow and she’s trying to stay above water.Other days, she’ll give in to the undertow and let herself go down… slowly, ever so slowly, until she’s almost at the bottom of the ocean… then, something happens to bring her back up, perhaps, it’s that tiny thread of hope that she’s been clinging to. The hope that it’s all a nightmare. The hope that the lies are a lie and her husband didn’t look at porn, have an affair, etc.That tiny thread brings her up just long enough to realize that it isn’t just a nightmare, it’s her new reality… it’s been her reality all along, she just didn’t know it. As she reaches the surface, she gasps for air and looks around. She doesn’t see anyone. There is no one to help her. She wants to give up and let the ocean take her.How Do You Know When You’ve Found A Safe Person?She can’t give up. She has a job. She has parents. She has siblings. She has children. She stays above water for as long as she can, because, deep inside, she knows she is worthy, she knows she is needed. It’s buried inside her under the crashing waves of the ocean of lies.  It may seem hopeless, and lonely, like no one is there to help, but there is someone.A friend.A family member.A neighbor.To find safety, we need to reach out for support. We need to find someone who can hang onto the other end of the thread to pull us up when we're drowning, but who can we trust?Unfortunately, not everyone is safe.8 Ways To Identify A Safe Person * A safe person doesn't judge you, criticize you, chastise you,

From the S-Anon Blue Book: "Steps Four and Five lead us to uncover our character defects. We face them, write them out and share them with another person without self-condemnation. In Step Six, we become entirely ready to have God remove these defects. This is not to imply that we must become perfectly ready, but we must be willing and open-minded. It is this state of willingness that we seek in Step Six. We become willing to have our defects removed, not just lessened or made milder. Like our compulsive thinking, our defects grow progressively worse with time. It is useless to think fo clinging to a defect and trying to keep it "in check". Working Steps 4,5,6 and 7 has brought me a lot of peace. Currently, I'm working step 4 again, for the 5th time since my husband's arrest. I'm working it through the Al-Anon workbook, Blueprint For Progress. I have been digging deeper into my character defects in an attempt to get to the root of my difficulties and to become even more willing to have God remove them.

Does your abuser call you controlling? You are not alone. Many emotional abuse and betrayal victims are labeled as "controlling" by their abusers and the abuser's enablers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epzxsrDp8kM

Why Does My Abuser Say I'm Controlling?

Abusers shift blame to victims by saying that they are controlling.

This takes the focus off of the abuser, and makes it seem like the victim is the real problem in the relationship.

But What If I'm Actually Controlling?

Safety-seeking behaviors are often mislabeled as "controlling". Betrayed women do not feel safe. Safety is the foundation for health and happiness, so women will do everything they can to seek safety.

For some women, this means monitoring their partner's communication, activities, and behaviors. This is completely understandable, because when a man has cheated on his partner or otherwise abused her, he isn't trustworthy anymore. Victims feel like they have to rely on their own actions to be sure of the truth.

Do Safety-Seeking Behaviors Work?

While safety-seeking behaviors, like checking your partner's phone or monitoring his location, may seem to bring a degree of peace of mind, these behaviors are not going to provide long-term safety.

In a relationship, trust is what brings safety and you cannot trust someone who repeatedly lies to you.

Instead, women can set safety boundaries.

What Are Safety Boundaries?

Safety boundaries are courageous actions that women take to separate themselves from abuse. Rather than monitoring partners to determine who they need to react, women can get to a state of safety and peace by setting boundaries.

Listen to Anne explain how to set safety boundaries correctly in today's podcast. 

BTR Supports Betrayal & Abuse Victims

At BTR, we understand how infuriating it is to be called "controlling" by an abusive partner. We also know how confusing it can be to wonder if you are actually a controlling person.

Empowerment through knowledge and consistent support are key to finding the peace that you deserve. Our BTR.ORG Group provide the support that you need as you begin your journey to healing.

In my opinion, many people confuse a Step 1 Inventory with Step 4. Step 5 isn't just admitting the exact nature of our wrongs, it's admitting the underlying character defects that caused us to do wrong. From the blue book, "Step Five revealed to us the character defects that had been hiding under our compulsive behavior. We began to see exactly what was keeping us from the serenity we longed for. Now, Step Five contains three steps: admitting to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." The process of Steps 4,5,6, & 7, helped me come back to reality. As an abuse victim and the wife of a man with a pornography addiction, I had a hard time separating out reality. Was I really as awful as my husband described? Was it really wrong to ask questions and share my opinions? Was it really wrong to ask him to stop swearing? Was it really wrong to . . . I discovered that because of my fear and desire to control the situation I developed control issues. From the beginning of our marriage, my husband struggled with anger and depression. So I took it upon myself to help him with his mental health. I Tried To Manage My Husband's Mood One way I tried to manage my husband's mood was to "help" him with his clothes and the way he walked. I can see now how controlling this was - and non-sensical. I wanted my husband to be comfortable and confident, so I endeavored to pester him about his shoes and clothes. I have a lot of remorse about this. At the time, I would tell myself that all women do this. Or I would justify it by my intention, which was to "help" him. But even when he had what I thought was comfortable, more up to date clothes, obviously it didn't solve his anger and addiction problems. I am so sorry about that. It must have felt sad from his perspective. I really loved my husband and when I think about the way my control affected him, I want so badly to tell him how sorry I am, and for him to feel it. When we were together, I tried many times. But as he was escalating, I repeatedly asked for his forgiveness for these things, and it generally led to abuse rather than connection. I have not yet been able to do Step 9 with my husband, and my therapist and sponsor say it will be a gift from God when it happens. So in the meantime, my way to make living amends to send him goodwill. To pray for him that he will have the same things I want for myself. Peace, safety and security. I Am Right With God - I Hope I did sealings with my parents at the temple last week. I was nervous, as I knew it would be facing some difficult emotions. When the first couple knelt and the sealer started, I felt a sense of peace wash over me that I had indeed kept my covenants, I had cared deeply for my husband and sought his welfare through-out our marriage, despite my character defects. I felt completely connected with God - for about two minutes. Then I started crying, sobbing, uncontrollably. I gasped. I cried my way through actually performing one set of sealings, and then I excused myself. As I stumbled to the celestial room, temple workers reached out, as if to say, "Can I help you?" I just kept walking and sobbing until I got to celestial room, and sat in my usual chair at the very back of the room - the chair where I feel like I have the most privacy. And I cried. I have done this almost every week. I sit in that chair in the temple, and I cry. I ask for God to direct me and help me. And even though my life is peaceful now. Our home is peaceful and it has an amazing feeling, I am still struggling with grief, feelings of being abandoned, and trauma. I have learned to recognize that my feelings aren't because things aren't right. Things are exactly how they should be. It's because it will take time to heal from the ordeal. So I'm using this time to really see myself as I am. Who am I? And then I'm asking God to turn me in to who He wants me to be. It obviously a long process, but I'm on the path.

For the first few weeks after my husband's arrest, I felt like the domestic violence shelter wasn't really helping me. I couldn't get answers to my questions. They looked at me like I had some disease. I know now why they were looking at me like that - they were very concerned. They were concerned because I said things like, "My husband is such a great guy! He can't be abusive. He has an anger problem, he's been working on, but it's not abuse." Then I learned more, and I realized that he had been abusive since before we married. So then I said, "Well, he's not the typical abuser." I said, "He's struggled with a pornography addiction and comes from an abusive family, he needs help! How can we get him some help." Basically, they kept saying, "You need to read this book." "Have you read the book yet?" The book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. And no, I hadn't read it yet. And then I read it. And then I understood why they were worried. I was in denial. I was in danger. I was the one who needed help. I needed some serious help. Around the time I read this book, I also got a sponsor and started attending 12 Step Betrayal Trauma Recovery at SALifeline every week.

In this early podcast episode, Anne shares her very first attempts at healthy boundaries as she refers to a 12-step program, "addict behaviors", and sex addiction. Early on in her journey, these are the best resources that Anne had to help her seek safety - now, of course, we understand that abuse is NOT addiction, sex addiction therapists do NOT help abuse victims find safety, and 12-step programs can be harmful to women in abusive relationships.

Like many of victims, it took education, community, and self-compassion for Anne to learn how to set boundaries that would truly begin to help her achieve safety. Can you relate?

Read the full transcript below and listen to the BTR.ORG podcast for more.

True Boundaries Aren't About Controlling Others' Choices

Every time my husband was abusive towards me, I thought that my boundary was giving him a lecture, literally like a 40 minute lecture about how terrible things were and how I was feeling and what he should do. I thought that's what boundaries were.

Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG

Boundaries Don't Change the Abuser: A Hard Lesson to Learn

Many victims experience even more trauma when they seek to help the abuser change and become healthy through boundary-setting. It's a hard lesson to learn, but accepting the reality that your boundaries are NOT about changing the abuser, will help you get to safety much sooner.

I continued to be abused by trying to force my abuser to be kind.

Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG

BTR.ORG Is Here For You

Anne's trauma was intense in the early days of the BTR.ORG podcast. Are you in that place right now? Please know that you're not alone. Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are available - attend a session today and find the community that you deserve as you beginning your journey to safety.

Full Transcript:

Anne (00:00):

Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne.

(03:14):

Today we're gonna talk about boundaries. So I didn't know anything about boundaries before starting recovery. In fact, every time my husband abused me or every time he had a slip up, I thought that my boundary was giving him a lecture, literally like a 40 minute lecture about how terrible things were and how I was feeling and what he should do. I thought that's what boundaries were. I have learned since then that that is not what boundaries are at all. In fact, God was very merciful to me and he taught me about boundaries in an extremely traumatic way by having my husband arrested and having a court order do not contact order. That was my first boundary I have ever had, and it was God-given, and then I had to make the decision about what to do with that boundary to keep it, to not keep it what that boundary meant for me.

What are boundaries, really?

(04:04):

I realized that my boundary is I need to keep safe and be safe while you continue to act out in this behavior. In my husband's case, once he was arrested, he did not show any clear signs of recovery behaviors. There were a lot of things that he could have done. He could have texted every single day, for example, and said, what can I do today for the kids? He did not choose to talk with. My dad apologized to my dad about some things. There were, there were several things he could do that he was legally able to do. He did not show any signs of that. He did not put forth a plan of, I realize that this is what happened. I'm very sorry, this is my plan for recovery. This is what I'm going to do to come back in the house. He never asked to come back in the house.

"Boundaries are like fences between neighbors"

(04:51):

So for me, there was no way that I could remove or amend the do not contact order to be able to talk with him beca...

After a husband betrays a wife, through infidelity, pornography use, or other betrayal, it's important for wives to take and inventory. Without it, healing is difficult.