Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur

Free assessment: find out where your core block sits in three minutes at linktr.ee/dramenkaur

How to know what you truly want (and what's blocking you)

Not sure what you want right now? Or do you think you know, but can't make yourself move toward it? In this episode, Dr. Amen Kaur explains why we often want things so we'll be seen, rather than for how they make us feel, and how to tell the difference.

The short answer: ask how it will feel, not how it will look. Research shows people get more happiness from experiences, and from things they buy in order to experience something, than from objects owned for status.

In this episode:

1. The question isn't how you look. It's how you feel.

2. What you wanted might not fit anymore.

3. Where the need to be seen comes from.

4. The three things that block you: emotions, thoughts and your body.

5. Why love is the repair.

Research mentioned:

- Van Boven and Gilovich (2003) on experiences versus possessions

- Guevarra and Howell (2015) on experiential products

- Brickman, Coates and Janoff-Bulman (1978), and Diener, Lucas and Scollon (2006), on hedonic adaptation

- Kasser, Ryan, Zax and Sameroff (1995) on upbringing and materialistic values

- Lisa Feldman Barrett on the brain as a prediction machine

- Heinrichs and colleagues (2003) on social support, oxytocin and stress

- Arnsten (2009) on how stress affects the thinking brain

- Holt-Lunstad, Smith and Layton (2010): across 148 studies, people with stronger social relationships had a 50% higher likelihood of survival

Free assessment: find out where your core block sits in three minutes at linktr.ee/dramenkaur

About the host: She has spent over 25 years working with leaders, coached more than 1,000 people, and seen more than 200 through her programs. amenkaur.com

Curious about how to change your life? click here for coffee and chat

Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur

If you lost your job, were laid off or made redundant, or came out of a divorce, and you know what you want next but cannot make yourself move, the problem is not discipline. In this episode, Dr. Amen Kaur explains the science of why working harder stops working after you have been devalued, why you have no motivation even though you know what to do, and what actually switches motivation back on.

In this episode you'll learn

• The four words that reveal where your energy is going: should, have to, need and want, and why only one of them moves you forward
• Why shame keeps you repeating the exact behavior you are trying to change
• What the still-face experiment reveals about attention, motivation and feeling stuck
• The difference between being seen and being validated, and why praise never fixes it
• The real cause of burnout according to burnout research, and why rest alone does not fix it
• The two ways people cope with feeling unwanted, and why both keep you stuck
• A simple one-week experiment to find your motivation again

Why do I have no motivation after losing my job?

Because a layoff, a redundancy or being managed out is an experience of being unwanted, and the human system goes still when attention and value are withdrawn. That is not laziness and it is not a flaw. It is the same response the still-face experiment shows in infants. Rest and pressure do not fix it, because neither one is the missing input.

Why can't I make myself do what I want?

Wanting is not willpower. Effort runs on wanting, and wanting runs on being seen. When something cuts the third one, the other two fail behind it. Motivation returns when you are seen for who you actually are, not when you push harder.

The four words

Should looks at what is missing. Have to looks at obligation. Need looks at lack. Want looks at the thing itself. Want is the only one that pulls you toward your goal.

Research mentioned

• The still-face experiment, Tronick and colleagues, 1978
• Donald Winnicott on the mirror role of the mother and the false self
• Carl Rogers, 1957, on the core conditions of therapeutic change
• Norcross and Lambert on the therapeutic relationship as the strongest predictor of outcome
• Maslach and Leiter, the six mismatches that drive burnout
• Hebbian learning, neurons that fire together wire together
• Joe Hudson on shame, wants and the 10 percent more enjoyment experiment

Try this week

Pick one thing you keep telling yourself you should do. Drop the should. Ask how you could enjoy it 10 percent more, without changing it or buying anything for it. Then notice which of the four words you are using.

Coffee and a chat?

If you are capable and still feel stuck, grab a coffee and let's talk it through. Twenty minutes, no pitch, nothing to prepare. We will look at what might be keeping you stuck and what could help. Book here: Coffee & chat

About Dr. Amen Kaur

Dr. Amen Kaur is a trauma-informed somatic coach and former FTSE 250 partner with over 20 years in recruitment and career development. She helps professional women rebuild confidence and get what they actually want after major life and career transitions. Learn more at amenkaur.com.

Topics: no motivation after layoff, no motivation after redundancy, lost my job and feel stuck, can't motivate myself after losing my job, how to find motivation again, identity after redundancy, lost sense of self after job loss, feeling unwanted at work, managed out of a job, burnout recovery, career transition, feeling stuck after divorce, self-compassion, being seen, should vs want, still-face experiment, science of motivation

Coffee & Chat? Click here

What does it mean when you say "I don't know who I am anymore"?

It means you lost the things that were telling you who you were. A job, a marriage, a home, a parent, a version of your life you expected to keep. Your sense of self was resting on those, so when enough of them go, it goes with them. It is not a sign that something is wrong with you, and it is not a weakness. It is what happens when the labels come off.

In this episode, Dr. Amen Kaur explains why losing your identity and losing your motivation are the same thing, why they arrive in that order, and what brings both of them back.

Why don't I want anything anymore?

Because wanting something you believe you can no longer have is painful, so the mind withdraws it. A 2015 meta-analysis of 90 studies by Colin Leach and Atilla Cidam found that shame leads people to act when a failure feels repairable, and to withdraw when it does not. A marriage that ended cannot be unended. A job that let you go cannot be undone. So the system stops reaching. Your desire did not die. It was pulled back to protect you.

Why does losing a job or a marriage feel like shame rather than disappointment?

Because the standard you fell short of was probably never yours. Research on the self finds that shame tracks the gap between who you are and a standard you have taken in, and the standards that bite hardest are the ones that came from other people. Married by thirty. Successful by forty. The one who made it out. Disappointment is what you feel when your own plan fails. Shame is what you feel when you fall short of someone else's.

Why can I still enjoy things but not want anything?

Because enjoying and wanting run on different brain systems. Kent Berridge at the University of Michigan spent thirty years showing that wanting (the pull toward something) and liking (the pleasure once it is here) are separate. One can go quiet while the other is intact. That is why you can have a lovely afternoon with a friend and feel no pull toward anything afterward, and it is not evidence that you are broken.

Would getting the job or the relationship back fix it?

No, and most people already know this because they have had the thing before and it did not settle them then. Jennifer Crocker's research on contingencies of self-worth found that staking your worth on achievement produces the volatility without the payoff. In one study, students who based their self-esteem on grades reported studying more and did not get better grades.

So what actually helps?

Self-compassion, which is the opposite of what most people assume. Juliana Breines and Serena Chen ran four experiments in 2012. People given a self-compassionate response to their own failure were more motivated to fix the weakness, and spent longer studying after failing a test, than people given a self-esteem boost. Easing up on yourself does not cost you your edge.

Who this episode is for

Professional women some months on from a layoff, a divorce, a bereavement, a home lost, an inheritance, children leaving, or an ending they did not choose. People who have done the work, know roughly what they want next, and still cannot make themselves move.

Chapters

00:00 "I don't know who I am anymore" and what it actually means 00:00 Why the labels were never yours to begin with 00:00 Why your wanting went quiet 00:00 Wanting and liking are different systems 00:00 Why getting it back would not settle it 00:00 The question underneath all of it 00:00 A short practice you can do right now

Research referenced

Colin Leach and Atilla Cidam (2015), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, meta-analysis of 90 samples on when shame leads to constructive action

Kent Berridge, University of Michigan, on wanting and liking as separate systems

Jennifer Crocker and Connie Wolfe (2001) and Jennifer Crocker and Lora Park (2004), on contingencies of self-worth and the cost of pursuing self-esteem

George Bonanno and Charles Burton (2013), Columbia University, on the fallacy of uniform efficacy in coping

Juliana Breines and Serena Chen (2012), on self-compassion and motivation to improve

Rupert Spira, on the awareness of being

Come and talk to me. I am offering a twenty minute coffee and a chat this week. You tell me where you are, and we look at the pattern underneath it. Click this Link

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Why is narcissistic abuse so wrong to let go?

We want justice!!!

But how do we deal with the injustice of everything that happened so we can cut free and thrive in our lives once more?

Resources:
Download your FREE Webinar below to Heal Toxic Relationship Trauma
https://www.innerknowing.life/masterclass
Subscribe To YouTube Channel : www.youtube.com/@healnarcissistictrauma/
Follow Dr Amen Kaur On TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@dramenkaur
Follow Dr Amen Kaur On Instagram: www.instagram.com/dramenkaur

Disclaimer: This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional care.

Free Masterclass: The Human Intelligence Framework

A walkthrough of the five stage method Dr Amen Kaur uses with high achieving women who have lost themselves inside a career, role or identity that no longer fits.

Watch it free at https://linktr.ee/dramenkaur

About Dr Amen Kaur

Starting Over, Being You with Dr. Amen Kaur is the podcast for high-achieving women who have been quietly losing themselves inside the life they built. Dr. Amen Kaur, PhD, is a former scientist and former Partner at a FTSE 250 company with 20+ years of corporate experience. She teaches the Human Intelligence Framework, the Five Intelligences that orbit Your Self, and how to bring the integrator back online when it has stepped away from the seat.

Learn more at amenkaur.com/about

Stay Close

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YouTube: @dramenkaur

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not medical, psychological, or financial advice. Please consult a qualified professional for guidance specific to your situation.

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Your recovery from a narcissistic relationship will go through a 7 step process.

Find out which phase you are in and get prepared so you can heal moving forward.

You can move through the phases with much more awareness and feel a sense of success armed with this information. 

Much love as always 

 Resources:
Download your FREE Webinar below to Heal Toxic Relationship Trauma:
https://www.innerknowing.life/masterclass
Subscribe To YouTube Channel : www.youtube.com/@healnarcissistictrauma/
Follow Dr Amen Kaur On TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@dramenkaur
Follow Dr Amen Kaur On Instagram: www.instagram.com/dramenkaur/

Disclaimer: This information is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional care.

Free Masterclass: The Human Intelligence Framework

A walkthrough of the five stage method Dr Amen Kaur uses with high achieving women who have lost themselves inside a career, role or identity that no longer fits.

Watch it free at https://linktr.ee/dramenkaur

About Dr Amen Kaur

Starting Over, Being You with Dr. Amen Kaur is the podcast for high-achieving women who have been quietly losing themselves inside the life they built. Dr. Amen Kaur, PhD, is a former scientist and former Partner at a FTSE 250 company with 20+ years of corporate experience. She teaches the Human Intelligence Framework, the Five Intelligences that orbit Your Self, and how to bring the integrator back online when it has stepped away from the seat.

Learn more at amenkaur.com/about

Stay Close

Instagram: @dramenkaur
TikTok: @dramenkaur
YouTube: @dramenkaur

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not medical, psychological, or financial advice. Please consult a qualified professional for guidance specific to your situation.

Send us Fan Mail

Emerging from the shadows of a toxic relationship often leaves a wound so deep, it's invisible to the naked eye. With Dr. Amen Kaur's guidance, we take an unflinching look at the tangled aftermath of trauma, dispelling the myths that it signifies personal failure or that simply walking away from the source is an instant cure. This episode is a beacon for anyone who's felt misunderstood or alone in their battle with trauma. Dr. Amen Kaur, with his blend of personal insight and professional expertise, sheds light on the common, yet often unacknowledged, struggles that accompany the journey towards healing.

Self-compassion can be as elusive as a mirage in the desert when you're wandering the aftermath of a toxic relationship. Yet, Dr. Amen Kaur reminds us of its significance in the healing process, encouraging a cultivation of self-love that can feel like a radical act amidst the rubble of the past. In this heartfelt exchange, we uncover the steps toward embracing our worth and nurturing our emotional scars. For anyone looking to rebuild their inner sanctuary of peace, this episode offers not just understanding, but a path forward marked by kindness and the reaffirmation of our efforts to heal. Dr. Amen Kaur's message, woven throughout our conversation, is one of hope and the transformative power of self-care.

Free Masterclass: The Human Intelligence Framework

A walkthrough of the five stage method Dr Amen Kaur uses with high achieving women who have lost themselves inside a career, role or identity that no longer fits.

Watch it free at https://linktr.ee/dramenkaur

About Dr Amen Kaur

Starting Over, Being You with Dr. Amen Kaur is the podcast for high-achieving women who have been quietly losing themselves inside the life they built. Dr. Amen Kaur, PhD, is a former scientist and former Partner at a FTSE 250 company with 20+ years of corporate experience. She teaches the Human Intelligence Framework, the Five Intelligences that orbit Your Self, and how to bring the integrator back online when it has stepped away from the seat.

Learn more at amenkaur.com/about

Stay Close

Instagram: @dramenkaur
TikTok: @dramenkaur
YouTube: @dramenkaur

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not medical, psychological, or financial advice. Please consult a qualified professional for guidance specific to your situation.

Send us Fan Mail

Have you ever wondered what lies beyond the pain of a past toxic relationship, and how you could possibly rekindle the flame of self-love within? Today's heartfelt exploration dives into the very essence of rebuilding that profound connection with yourself. Amidst the journey, we untangle the complex web of why we sometimes cling to relationships that hurt us, from the science of hormonal attachments to the deep-rooted fears of grieving lost dreams. You'll learn how the road to recovery demands more than just self-care; it requires a steadfast commitment to self-love as the cornerstone for all healing and growth.

Navigating the stormy seas of a relationship with a narcissist can leave even the strongest souls capsized in a sea of confusion and self-doubt. In this episode, we pull back the veil on the unpredictable stress these interactions provoke, detailing how it can lead to a brain that's out of sync and a sense of self that's diminished. We confront the futile pursuit of trying to 'fix' someone resistant to change and offer a compassionate reminder: your worth is not defined by the wounds inflicted upon you. Instead, we foster a space for resilience and reclamation of your inherent value.

Embrace yourself for a transformative odyssey into the heart of self-love and worth, where you'll be invited to challenge the negative beliefs that may be holding you captive. Discover the unconditional acceptance that resides within you and the healing power it holds. We introduce a guiding light in the form of a 21-day program, Reclaim Your Power, to usher you along the path of nurturing self-love. This episode isn't just a conversation; it's a clarion call to honor the love you deserve and to step boldly into a life where you are the cherished protagonist.

Free Masterclass: The Human Intelligence Framework

A walkthrough of the five stage method Dr Amen Kaur uses with high achieving women who have lost themselves inside a career, role or identity that no longer fits.

Watch it free at https://linktr.ee/dramenkaur

About Dr Amen Kaur

Starting Over, Being You with Dr. Amen Kaur is the podcast for high-achieving women who have been quietly losing themselves inside the life they built. Dr. Amen Kaur, PhD, is a former scientist and former Partner at a FTSE 250 company with 20+ years of corporate experience. She teaches the Human Intelligence Framework, the Five Intelligences that orbit Your Self, and how to bring the integrator back online when it has stepped away from the seat.

Learn more at amenkaur.com/about

Stay Close

Instagram: @dramenkaur
TikTok: @dramenkaur
YouTube: @dramenkaur

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not medical, psychological, or financial advice. Please consult a qualified professional for guidance specific to your situation.

Send us Fan Mail

Dive deep into the hidden world of narcissistic personality disorder with Dr. Amen Kaur as we uncover the exact triggers that send a narcissist into crisis mode. Did you know that something as simple as ignoring their call can unravel their carefully constructed false self? In this episode, we expose the moments of narcissistic mortification—when their delusions crumble, and chaos takes over.

But this isn’t just about understanding them; it’s about empowering you. Learn how to stop feeding their toxic behavior, cut off emotional supply, and take back control of your life. Dr. Kaur also explores the scientific truth about how sustained narcissistic abuse rewires your brain, keeping you trapped in cycles of fear, anxiety, and emotional pain—and how to reverse it.

This episode is packed with actionable strategies to shift the focus from the narcissist to your own healing and growth. Hear inspiring stories of resilience and discover why cutting ties and nurturing your well-being is the ultimate victory. Whether you’re still in a toxic relationship or reclaiming your life after one, this episode will be your guide to healing and hope.

Share this episode with anyone who needs to hear it—because freedom starts with understanding, and healing begins with action.

Free Masterclass: The Human Intelligence Framework

A walkthrough of the five stage method Dr Amen Kaur uses with high achieving women who have lost themselves inside a career, role or identity that no longer fits.

Watch it free at https://linktr.ee/dramenkaur

About Dr Amen Kaur

Starting Over, Being You with Dr. Amen Kaur is the podcast for high-achieving women who have been quietly losing themselves inside the life they built. Dr. Amen Kaur, PhD, is a former scientist and former Partner at a FTSE 250 company with 20+ years of corporate experience. She teaches the Human Intelligence Framework, the Five Intelligences that orbit Your Self, and how to bring the integrator back online when it has stepped away from the seat.

Learn more at amenkaur.com/about

Stay Close

Instagram: @dramenkaur
TikTok: @dramenkaur
YouTube: @dramenkaur

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not medical, psychological, or financial advice. Please consult a qualified professional for guidance specific to your situation.

Send us Fan Mail

Are you ready to reclaim your ancestral wisdom, regulate your energy, and lead from your soul's true power — not your trauma response?

This ceremonial episode is crafted for spiritual, high-achieving women who’ve done the deep work… but feel there’s still more to embody. More to lead. More to live.

Join Dr Amen Kaur as she guides you through the 7 Ancestral Gates — a powerful, somatic meditation that activates your cellular memory and reawakens your inner wealth map.

Rooted in trauma-informed healing, science-backed nervous system tools, and soul remembrance, this journey transforms inherited survival codes into embodied radiance and purpose-led success.

🔑 In This Episode, You’ll Discover:

• How to connect with and heal your lineage to unlock hidden soul gifts
• Somatic practices to move from burnout into energetic sovereignty
• A fresh perspective on feminine leadership and sacred success
• Ways to unhook from performative patterns and embody authentic power

💼 About Amen:

With a global background as a business leader, brand mentor, and trauma-informed healer, Amen merges sacred systems with spiritual intelligence — showing you how to align your personal healing with your professional legacy.

🌿 Soul-Centered Call to Action:

If you’re done with the hustle and ready to rise in remembrance — this is your moment.

Rate, share, and explore the show notes for next steps on your sacred path.
The next version of you isn’t missing —
because you're remembering. Book here

Free Masterclass: The Human Intelligence Framework

A walkthrough of the five stage method Dr Amen Kaur uses with high achieving women who have lost themselves inside a career, role or identity that no longer fits.

Watch it free at https://linktr.ee/dramenkaur

About Dr Amen Kaur

Starting Over, Being You with Dr. Amen Kaur is the podcast for high-achieving women who have been quietly losing themselves inside the life they built. Dr. Amen Kaur, PhD, is a former scientist and former Partner at a FTSE 250 company with 20+ years of corporate experience. She teaches the Human Intelligence Framework, the Five Intelligences that orbit Your Self, and how to bring the integrator back online when it has stepped away from the seat.

Learn more at amenkaur.com/about

Stay Close

Instagram: @dramenkaur
TikTok: @dramenkaur
YouTube: @dramenkaur

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not medical, psychological, or financial advice. Please consult a qualified professional for guidance specific to your situation.

Send us Fan Mail

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Why smart, self-aware people get stuck in rumination - and how safety, not more thinking, creates change...

Tired of doing everything “right” and still feeling stuck?

This episode with Dr Amen Kaur explores a hard truth many capable, self-aware people face: when a sharp, analytical mind tries to heal emotional pain through more thinking, rumination takes over. It feels productive and addictive at times - but research shows it often magnifies negative emotion, narrows perspective, and predicts depression, anxiety, relapse, and stalled healing.

If you grew up intelligent, self-reliant, and undertrained in emotional regulation, your brilliance may actually be working against you - not because you’re broken, but because your nervous system never learned how to feel safe before solving problems.

In this episode, I share the turning point from my own journey- how insight kept piling up while real-life results didn’t change and ground it in long-term psychological research. Large-scale longitudinal studies show that rumination predicts the onset of depression (even in people who weren’t depressed to begin with), increases anxiety and trauma symptoms, and is linked to poorer outcomes in talk-based therapies when rumination isn’t addressed directly.

We break down what actually helps:
 • Why problem-solving fails when the nervous system is dysregulated
 • How rumination keeps you stuck in defense instead of healing
 • Why insight alone doesn’t create relief
 • How biological safety restores clarity, context, and forward momentum

You’ll learn how compassion interrupts the inner courtroom, why your body—not your thoughts—holds the signal for change, and how to recognize the exact moment to shift from thinking to sensing.

We also explore how rumination hijacks attention, causes you to miss real opportunities right in front of you, and keeps highly intelligent people stuck for years - not because nothing changes, but because their system can’t perceive change.

You’ll leave with practical, body-led prompts you can use today:
regulate first, name the feeling without judgment, then choose the next small, grounded action.

Your mind isn’t broken. It’s brilliant and overburdened.
Give it a safer body to think from, and clarity returns naturally.

If this resonates, follow the show, share this episode with someone who overthinks, and leave a quick review to help others find it.

Free Masterclass: The Human Intelligence Framework

A walkthrough of the five stage method Dr Amen Kaur uses with high achieving women who have lost themselves inside a career, role or identity that no longer fits.

Watch it free at https://linktr.ee/dramenkaur

About Dr Amen Kaur

Starting Over, Being You with Dr. Amen Kaur is the podcast for high-achieving women who have been quietly losing themselves inside the life they built. Dr. Amen Kaur, PhD, is a former scientist and former Partner at a FTSE 250 company with 20+ years of corporate experience. She teaches the Human Intelligence Framework, the Five Intelligences that orbit Your Self, and how to bring the integrator back online when it has stepped away from the seat.

Learn more at amenkaur.com/about

Stay Close

Instagram: @dramenkaur
TikTok: @dramenkaur
YouTube: @dramenkaur

Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not medical, psychological, or financial advice. Please consult a qualified professional for guidance specific to your situation.