Agreements help foster clarity, confidence, progress, and trust.

Setting up a conversation for success can be the most important part of being effective.

1. STATING & ASKING

• Men will often use the language, “We should ________.”
• Women will often use the language, “Do you want to _______.”
• Goal is to use transparent and clear language, like, “I would like _______. What do you want?

 

1. CHECKING IT OUT & CLARIFYING

• Getting clear personally
• Being true and honest (not falling into the pattern of feeling obligated)
• Giving only what you have and being willing to say no.
• Getting to a win/win
• Using reflective listening. Here is an article that offers step-by-step guidance.

 

1. BEING EXPLICIT ABOUT THE AGREEMENT 

• Listening is not a form of an agreement
• Anchoring the agreement in time. For example, “Friday at 3pm let’s check-in. I will plan on doing ________.”
• This can be helpful because it is easy to get distracted, busy, and get into avoidance patterns.

 

1. RENEGOTIATING, IF NEEDED 

• You make the best agreement you can, and if something changes, you always have the opportunity to renegotiate.
• If you realize that you need to change some aspect of the agreement, give your partner a heads up and ask for a renewed agreement.

 

1. HONOR YOUR PART

• If you take the time to be clear about what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do, then it will be much more likely that you can follow through and honor your word.
• This can increase positive feelings in the relationship as well as within yourself.

Thank you so much for investing in the process of improving your relationship skills. If you have a question that you would like me to answer, please leave me a voice message, by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.

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