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LISTENER’S QUESTION:

“You’ve done some wonderful work on avoiding or transfiguring critique… if you’re the one giving it.  However, what if you’re on the receiving end, and your partner is constantly looking for faults?  How would you turn that around?  My first instinct was to break up with her, that her mind has been poisoned with the opinions of others.

Key members of her family/friends thought I was a bit too weird and awkward, socially inept, even inappropriate.  Growing up in small towns, smaller schools, and being a techie… judgmental city folk like that really don’t get me.  Initially we agreed that I see a therapist and read some social skills books, since I’m compliant, an advocate of self-improvement.

Eventually, it started bothering me.  About a year of that was enough, and I started standing up for myself, just straight up saying no sometimes, refusing the critique outright even.  She went distant after that, and two months later, she broke things off.”

(These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.)

TIPS:

1. Trust Yourself

• Listen to your gut instinct and/or inner wisdom.
• Acknowledge your needs.
• Be honest about fit when dating and exploring relationship potential (i.e. values, desires, etc.).

2. Ask Curious Questions

• Get to know her experience.
• Learn what she is thinking, feeling, and desiring.
• What is underneath her complaint? For example, “What would me washing my hands differently do for you? What would it allow you to feel?”

3. Set Limits And Boundaries

• Do not engage in dynamics that are hurtful.
• Set a standard for respect.
• Don’t participate in communication that does not feel good to you.
• Participate in communication that is constructive.

4. Redirect And Ask For Constructive Communication

• Let her know what type of communication you are interested in.
• Let her know you want to hear her experience in a constructive way.
• Communication your needs and desires around this topic.

5. Practice Self-Validation

• Acknowledge your positive characteristics and qualities.
• Appreciate what you have to offer.
• Validate your worthiness.

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: What To Do When You Are Feeling Criticized In Relationship.

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If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.