LISTENER'S QUESTION:

"How or what might you be able to recommend for my current situation? I am a 45 year old man who is dating a 41 year old woman who has been married 2 previous times. I have lived the single life and am ready for a change. One of her children is still a child. Her biggest concern is where my career path is leading me…. I changed career direction a couple years ago and has not produced visible improvement in my life financially. I don't want to lose her because of that, she has asked that I find something and has given somewhat of a deadline on our future together. I know we have a connection and she has voiced that as well. My biggest feeling I have currently is Fear…fear of losing her when I know and I know she knows we have a connection."

1. Identify What Is True For You.

• What are your top values in life?
• What are your needs?
• What type of relationship are your wanting to create?

2. What Are Your Partner's Needs?

• What are your partner's top values in life?
• What are her needs?
• What type of relationship is she wanting to create?

3. Be Honest & True.

• Be willing to be vulnerable.
• Reveal what is true.

4. Surrender The Desire To Control.

• Be open to the unknown.
• Let go of your attachment to being seen in a particular way.
• Feel the emotions that come up when you let go of the need to control (i.e. fear, grief, sadness).

5. Just Be.

• Be in the moment.
• Be with what is true.
• There is a tremendous amount of strength and grace that comes for revealing what is true without trying to hide or conceal.

LISTENER'S QUESTION:

"Hi I am 55 years old, divorced for four years. I'm in relationship and it's pretty serious and I'm not sure at this point when to tell him that I had a gastric bypass surgery. Only a couple of friends know that I had the surgery about eight years ago. I am committed to living a more authentic life and I feel like I need to tell him at some point. We are talking about the relationship progressing to the next level. He retires at the end of the year. He might be moving across the country to live with me. I am feeling like I need to tell him. I am just not sure when. Do we wait until we talk about marriage or until we are pretty sure that we're going to be together or do I just do it now. I guess I feel like I should do it now because if he can't accept that or is judgmental about about my past, I'd like to know sooner rather than later."

6. Commit To Revealing.

• Commit to revealing over and over again in relationship.
• Even if feels shameful, unacceptable, unattractive, and unlovable.
• Otherwise, you will be hiding yourself and taking yourself out of true connection.

7. You Always Have The Opportunity To Choose.

• As soon as you recognize you are concealing or hiding…
• Shift your focus to revealing and being transparent.
• Notice what is true in the moment.
• Share openly and honestly.

8. Take 100% Responsibility For Your Experience

• Be curious.
• How are you contributing to this issue?
• Stay with the question.
• How are you participating in the relationship dynamic?

MENTIONED:

• Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (book)
• Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast)
• My Personal Story – What Led Me Into The Field Of Couples Work And Relationship Coaching (podcast)
• Suzanne Kilkus (website)
• Gosia Meyer Jewelry (website)

TRANSCRIPT:

Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 059: Risk Love To Be True To Oneself.

If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

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If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.