In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Erin Snow answers participant questions about fetishes and triggers – what they are, where they come from, and what they really mean about a person’s sexuality and the likelihood of successful recovery. She also offers resources and actions betrayed partners can employ to empower themselves while they offer support to their addicted partner. 

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:56] My husband’s fantasy about my sister underlines his addiction to non-consenting victims.

[4:00] All humans fantasize. That doesn’t make all behaviors acceptable. 

[8:00] Do fetishes get more intense from watching porn? 

[10:01] Can we incorporate healthy fetishes into our sex life? 

[12:47] Is my fetish a sex addiction? 

[15:13] What happened in my childhood that led to my fetish? 

[20:20] My husband is defensive about watching teen porn. How can I keep myself and our children safe?

[26:29] I think my partner is protecting his addiction, he says I’m crazy. How can I protect myself? 

[32:10] I’m going crazy waiting for my partner’s disclosure. What can I do to empower myself in this process?

[38:25] My partner is watching barely-legal porn. What does his fantasy say about our reality? 

[45:13] What actions reduce intimacy? My partner doesn’t recognize all of the ways that I’m trying to connect with her.

[50:13] My partner has been lying about his recovery group. How can I reset clear boundaries? 

[52:02] My partner never follows through with his safety plan and is relapsing again. I think I’m done, but where do I go from here? 

[57:10] My partner’s CSAT causally diagnosed me in their session. Now what? 

 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. 

 

QUOTES

• “Fetishes are not going anywhere. It’s part of your arousal template.” 

• “Fetishes are neither good nor bad. It’s just a question of whether you can incorporate it into your sex life.” 

• “Knowing the fantasty and the why behind it is not going to solve the problem.” 

• “For most of us, recovery is literally learning a new language.” 

• “Fantasy life and reality are two very different things that shouldn’t be compared at all.” 

• “We are not going to judge you for staying or for going. But that decision has to be yours.”