Dr. Tami is joined by Kristen Snowden, a licensed trauma therapist who works with addicts and their betrayed partners. Kristen shares questions for the betrayed to ask themselves when working through the process of deciding whether to stay or go. Shame, hurt and fear can accompany the choice to leave just as persistently as it can for someone who chooses to stay, and her questions can help the betrayed find clarity in the face of this life-altering decision.

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:25] Blame and shame accompany the choice to stay as well as the choice to leave. 

[6:45] Practical considerations that face the betrayed partner who is thinking about leaving. 

[10:17] Are you suffering any physical or emotional abuse by choosing to stay? 

[11:50] How has staying with your partner affected your physical and mental health? 

[13:45] Has your partner ever voluntarily come clean about their addiction? Are they making any effort toward their progress? 

[15:50] What does your support network look like?

[18:46] What is your financial situation? 

[19:45] Are there children involved in your relationship? 

[20:52] Are any of your needs being met in this relationship? Are you able to stay aligned to your own values and goals? 

[22:09] Have other boundaries failed to work up to this point? Would leaving help your partner realize the gravity of their actions? 

[24:12] Is there a foundation of love, hope, and respect in this relationship? 

[27:58] The right frame of mind to help you decide whether to stay or go. 

[33:06] How can I anticipate what my partner needs as we heal together? 

[38:23] Is it manipulation when my partner only says what I want to hear rather than taking real accountability for what they’ve done?

[43:01] Am I enabling my partner by choosing not to divorce him for the sake of the kids? 

[49:34] My husband is inconsistent about recovery. How can we move toward healing? 

 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

 

QUOTES

• “If you find yourself stressed and overwhelmed and feeling like you need to leave, remember that more likely than not, you don’t have to make that decision today.” 

• “Ask yourself, how has staying with your partner impacted your physical and mental health?” 

• “You need to surround yourself with supportive people to help you move through the crisis into a state of figuring out how to move forward.” 

• “Could your leaving be enough of a consequence to shake your partner awake?” 

• “Your partner gets to decide whether they want recovery.  They have choices.”