Clinical Psychologist Karen Nimmo says teenagers and young adults have had a hard time through the pandemic, disruption at school and university, having to do a lot of learning online. She discusses how best to help teenagers through this stage and how to recognise when they are struggling.

For nearly three years, teenagers and young adults have taken a psychological hit at a time when they should kicking off the next stage of their life, says clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo.

"What we've got is a micro generation of young people who feel ripped off by the whole Covid experience and obviously that's had an impact on mental health and wellbeing because that's time they can't get back," Nimmo tells Kathryn Ryan.

Listen to the full interview here

But adolescence has always been a challenging part of life, she says, even for parents.

"If parents are looking back through the ages, we've always struggled with that life stage in a way, because you've got this beautiful little child who suddenly turns into something of an alien to you and they're defiant, and they're oppositional, and you feel a little bit like you're losing control and you're helpless in that space.

"So when Covid came along and made it really hard on kids, I think that put extra pressure on not just parents but families."

Parents worry about their teens' withdrawal the most, and that too has been exacerbated by Covid, Nimmo says.

"It's the loss of motivation, it's feeling lost, it's not being able to make plans, it's all that time online when they're not sure exactly what they do, whether it's homework or gaming or on social media in a safe and healthy way, it's the impact on friendships, and the other really big one is loneliness.

"Let's be honest, adolescents always wanted to spend a lot of time in their rooms, but now it's kind of at a different level, so it's really hard for parents to figure out.

"The key words would probably be excessive and persistent change, so when you sort of notice that real shift in the way they present themselves to you, and their friends, and in the world, that's when it's time to take a little bit more notice."

Adolescents need time and space to figure things out for themselves, she says.

"I think we have to be careful not to do two things probably; not to overdo the positivity as in everything is going to be okay, you'll be all right, you'll get there, I just want you to be happy, all that sort of thing, because that is annoying and a little bit dismissive of where they are…

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Psychologist Sarb Johal say ambivalence about parenting can strike at any time - even in the lead up to parenting. He says it's totally normal but because few parents ever voice these feelings, it's easy to feel guilty.

It's a tricky subject, but there are times for all parents when they just don't like parenthood.

They love their child, but the actual experience of being a parent at that moment just doesn't feel great. For example, when your child is inconsolable, and you haven't been able to eat or sleep for hours, and you can't even get to the toilet.

Psychologist Sarb Johal says ambivalence about parenting can strike at any time - even in the lead up to parenting.

Listen to the full interview here

Johal tells Kathryn Ryan it's totally normal to feel that way but because few parents ever voice these feelings, it's easy to feel guilty.

"They can experience pressure from other people to conform or feel like they can't voice their doubts or concerns, but the implicit message here is that no one is really talking about it so maybe there's something wrong with me, and so you can internalise a lot of this ambivalence because everybody else feels like they're doing okay with it."

The dread or regret of parenthood can set in over time or emerge when you're frustrated with your duties, he says.

"You could feel this tension building up between you and your child, and that can have resultant feelings like anger, guilt, or depression if it doesn't go right."

As a result, parents can feel compelled to suppress their thoughts, because they don't want their peers to perceive them in a negative way, and end up acting in compensatory ways, he says.

"Often we can distract ourselves or we can obliviate wine o'clock; this idea that we want to get to the end of the day, we want to do something completely different that is not to do with our kids.

"Or sometimes we might be hypervigilant. So we get super helicopter parenting about it, because we don't want this thing to go wrong."

At the root of this are unrealistic expectations of having and raising children, Johal says.

"I think that experienced parents would probably all sign up to the notion that having a child is really messy, figuratively, literally, but also the emotions that it provokes in you and others too, including your children, your partner, your parents, whoever is around, it's messy."

For most people what they're experiencing is the comparison between the life that they had before or the life that they imagined that they would have as a parent, he says. …

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One in ten children suffer from a sleep disorder but most of us - including GPs and paediatricians - know very little about the signs and symptoms, says Dr Chris Winter. In his new book The Rested Child, the American neurologist talks about why the "tired, wired, or irritable child" may actually have a sleep disorder.

One in ten children suffer from a sleep disorder but most of us - including GPs and paediatricians - know very little about the signs and symptoms, says Dr Chris Winter.

In his new book The Rested Child, the American neurologist talks about why the "tired, wired, or irritable child" may actually have a sleep disorder.

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We now know that a person's relationship with sleep is formed at a very young age so the way parents talk to kids about it can have lifelong effects, Dr Winter tells Kathryn Ryan.

Parents can create a sense of anxiety around sleep by responding harshly to the child who gets out of bed after bedtime, he says.

" 'If you don't get to sleep you're going to fail your maths test and you won't make the rugby team'.

" 'That's okay because it's natural not to sleep. Why don't you just keep reading your comic book and I promise you sleep will come'.

"Those are the kinds of encouraging things we need to be saying to kids because it really sets the foundation for how we view sleep as adults."

As a culture, we focus way too much on the hardline bedtime but it can be good to make 'lights out' a later time that your child decides, Dr Winter says.

"Give them that dominion that you're not under any pressure to fall asleep at this designated moment."

If you enforce the child's 'wake up' time kindly and firmly - and make it clear to them that in the morning they'll pay a price for staying up - bedtime will take care of itself, he says.

This doesn't include device use in bed which is always bad news for children's sleep, he says, even when it's somewhat educational, such as learning about sea lions on YouTube till 2am.

So how do you know a child may have a real problem with sleep?

Sleeptalking is usually normal and sleepwalking is to some degree normal, Dr Winter says, but if parents are concerned about their child's sleep activities they should start tracking their frequency.

"Every time your kid has a little episode of screaming out indicate it on a calendar. After a few months, do you feel like the frequency is getting better, is it getting worse, is it staying the same?…

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Senior Researcher at the New Zealand Council for Educational Research Mohamed Alansari with some new research out today, highlighting how most secondary school teachers have changed something about the way they teach because of Covid-19.

Senior Researcher at the New Zealand Council for Educational Research Mohamed Alansari with some new research out today, highlighting how most secondary school teachers have changed something about the way they teach because of Covid-19.

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Author and parenting coach, Maggie Dent, talks to Kathryn about her new book Girlhood: raising our little girls to be healthy, happy and heard. She says it is vital that parents enable young girls' voices to be heard, and help girls navigate the challenges of modern times. Maggie is the mother of four boys, and the proud grandmother of four girls. She's a former teacher and counsellor, the host of the ABC podcast Parental as Anything.

Author and parenting coach Maggie Dent talks to Kathryn about her new book Girlhood: raising our little girls to be healthy, happy and heard.

She says it is vital that parents enable young girls' voices to be heard, and help girls navigate the challenges of modern times.

Dent is the mother of four boys, and the proud grandmother of four girls, a former teacher, counsellor, and the host of the ABC podcast Parental as Anything

Listen to the full interview here

There's a subtle conditioning in society that girls should be nice, always kind to others, and put others first, Dent tells Kathryn Ryan.

"We need a balance on that because sometimes there are women who are burning out, because they look after all their family and all their friends and their neighbourhood and they're on the school board and they don't look after themselves.

"So began as curiosity thing, you know, how can we raise them to be exactly those three things, happy, healthy and heard and being able to take care of themselves and celebrate who they are, not because of how they look or whether they're quiet and nice."

It's crucial to reinforce these messages from as early as possible because the foundation years, when the brain is formed, last until about five or six, she says.

"Interestingly, a child's sense of self is formed in those five years and their self-regulating systems, how they manage big ugly feelings, their physical strength, their co-ordinations ... sense of how connected and safe am I in this world of grown-ups around me.

"The human mind forms, Kathryn, it's very different to the human brain, and then our belief systems are also shaped."

So the negative voice that tends to emerge in later years for adolescent girls will have been sparked much earlier, she says.

"There were still clear messages that girls are supposed to be quieter and nicer and well behaved and they're also not supposed to do things that are considered boy-like.

"We're still getting conditioned in that window and the conditioning stays there which shapes the behaviour that we have later in life."

Helping girls understand their emotions and develop strategies in that window of time will make life easier for them going forward, she says…

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Many listeners may already have had time at home with Covid and other winter ills. So what's the best way to get through the time together? Ellie Gwilliam is with the Parenting Place, and has just gone through it with her family. She joins Kathryn to talk survival tips.

Many listeners may already have had time at home with Covid and other winter ills, and some may be having to do isolation with the kids in tow.

Parenting expert Ellie Gwilliam knows all about the challenges that can bring having just gone through it herself with her three daughters.

Gwilliam, who is with the Parenting Place, shares some home isolation survival tips.

Listen to the full interview here

First and foremost, parents need to prioritise self-care, Gwilliam tells Kathryn Ryan.

" can sound a bit counter-intuitive when we've got kids needing us and especially if the kids are sick ... parenting is so demanding and parenting through sickness and Covid and self-isolating is incredibly demanding.

"When we can take good care of ourselves, we are best prepared to take good care of our kids."

Undoubtedly, there will be moments of tension, frustration, and exhaustion, so finding ways to remain calm can go a long way, she says.

"Calm is contagious but so is stress and anxiety so if we can take a moment as parents and adults to think about our own responses and how they are affecting the atmosphere in our homes that can be really helpful.

"And sometimes I feel as parents we do have to fake it a little bit; fake the calm in order to have that calming presence for our kids."

Gwilliam advises it's best to lower your expectations and try to listen to your children and acknowledge their feelings before offering solutions.

"There's going to be some big disappointments in these moments. I know that was the case for our family when we saw those positive test results show in the Covid test ... because you're like 'oh man, that means our next week, our next fortnight, everything is off, everything is cancelled, we're here at home again'.

"I know as a parent I feel overwhelmed with some of big kids' big feelings and their disappointments because I realise I can't fix it, I can't solve it, I feel like I can't help.

"But the reality is simply listening and hearing our kids, giving them a place for dialogue to feel heard actually is an incredibly powerful thing to offer them and that practising of acceptance without fixing all the problems is actually really healthy…

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Neuroplasticity educator and parenting expert Nathan Wallis talks with Kathryn about the advantages of children starting school at six years old. He says while it goes against the norm in New Zealand, in most countries across the world, the starting age is six, often seven. He says those children who start school when they are older than five may be doubly advantaged - by having more free play when their brains need it most, and by being older than their peers when they do start school.

Neuroplasticity educator and parenting expert Nathan Wallis supports that idea of children starting school at six years old.

He says those who go through the school system older have greater advantages.

The Education Review Office says starting in cohorts, rather than on the child's fifth birthday, eases the transition from early childhood centres to school for students, teachers and parents.

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One argument for letting children start at six is that it eases the social transition, Wallis tells Kathryn Ryan.

"We only started putting kids into school at five during the war because there was a childcare shortage ... I mean most countries did that to be fair but after the war they put it back to six. New Zealand for some reason stayed at five, so it's never really been based on research that we start kids at five.

"Our whole education system is based on Piaget, a French guy, and his 'stages of cognitive development' and he showed kids are ready to do things like literacy and numeracy, what he called symbolic thinking or the concrete operational stage, between the ages of seven and eight.

"Over the years, we've just made that earlier and earlier. So it's quite challenging for some kids to start doing cognitive learning like reading and literacy and numeracy when they're only five."

Research shows the eldest in a cohort is likely to experience better outcomes in learning than the youngest, Wallis says.

"The kid who is in a free play environment when they're six and is building say 'damming the river' they don't dam the river the very first time, they probably fail 19 times and then dam it on the 20th time, so what he's learnt is a disposition of persevering through failure."

Free play at an early age allows the child to develop cognitive skills such as complexity of thought and creativity, he says…

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Engaging with a baby in their first three years of life can help set them up with communication skills, says speech-language therapist Emma Quigan. Once you trust that very young children are learning from every interaction, you see time spent with them as a significant opportunity, she tells Kathryn Ryan.

Engaging with a baby in their first three years of life can help set them up with communication skills, says speech-language therapist Emma Quigan.

Once you trust that very young children are learning from every interaction, you see time spent with them as a significant opportunity, she tells Kathryn Ryan.

"Every baby is born with mana. It's not something they earn - they have it. And if we trust our babies, we're seeing their humanity. We're seeing them as a person with likes and dislikes... not someone who needs to be built up with knowledge. It's already there and we're walking alongside them to help it unfurl and providing opportunities."

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Emma Quigan

Emma Quigan (Ngāi Tahu) is co-president of the Speech and Language Therapists' Association and co-founder of the education campaign Talking Matters.

When she and literacy advocate Alison Sutton first set up Talking Matters, it felt like news to people just how much a baby learns about communication in their first 1,000 days, she says.

Now we know babies are working hard to make sense of the world and every moment with them is an opportunity to support that discovery.

"A day's work for a baby - playing, looking around at things, singing songs - is probably equivalent to the hardest day's work we as adults will ever have in our lives. When you think about what's happening to them on a minute level, it's actually meaning something for how their brain is growing. Every time they look at a book it's actually growing new brain cells."

With small babies, communication appears in the form of subtle cues, Emma says. A baby's eye gaze tells us what they are and are not interested in.

"If we start to look at the cues babies give us, they'll tell us when they need a break, as well. You know when a baby looks away for a moment that's them saying 'i'm going to take five. That's too much'.

"We can respond to by describing it, by bringing it over them and starting to interact with their interests."

At about 9 months of age, babies may start pointing at things, Emma says.

People often ask what the right thing to say in response is, but simple acknowledgement of their communication is the most important thing,

Pointing is one way a baby invites other people into their world…

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New research from the New Zealand Council for Educational Research looks at what gives Maori and Pasifika students the best chance of success at school. Through four studies, the Conceptualising Maori and Pasifika Aspirations and Striving for Success COMPASS project has identified critical factors that serve as important punga/anchors in the educational journeys of akonga/students. Senior Researcher at the New Zealand Council for Educational Research, Mohamed Alansari speaks with Kathryn Ryan.

New research from the New Zealand Council for Educational Research looks at what gives Māori and Pasifika students the best chance of success at school.

Through four studies, the Conceptualising Maori and Pasifika Aspirations and Striving for Success COMPASS project has identified critical factors that serve as important punga/anchors in the educational journeys of ākonga/students.

Senior Researcher at the New Zealand Council for Educational Research, Mohamed Alansari speaks with Kathryn Ryan.

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