🔸 Conquering fear. To be or not to be (Self)

🔹 Parts:

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Do differently… with or without hindsight? Yes I'm taking shots in the dark, maybe I'm railroading. That’s what it (a part of me at least) feels like: I can’t keep up when I follow, so I need to quickly lay down track, to get ahead of an energy in full motion. Is it the *right* track? I dunno. But we’ve tried no track before, and these conversations have gotten away from me. I think my concerned parts took *me* off track, I wish I'd taken more opportunities to suggest a you-turn.

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🔸 The limit; driving over.

📌 Theresa followed up: been feeling more connected, curious, playful in my massage practice the last few days, even with an injury I managed to sustain the same day we laid Miss N. Dependent down for her nap. 😄

AND! Ever since this conversation, I have not “gone over the limit” on massages, which was something I had been trying to do for years, failing miserably until we met her. Editor's note: that' 3 months!

🔹 Parts:

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Yesterday my energy was off (sorry, Charlotte). Today I was determined to not let that happen. Maybe I'll never find the one thing that causes it. Maybe just being mindful of it is enough for Self/system to set it right. That'd be neat. (And also grieve all the hours figuring it out)

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🔸 “This isn’t what life is supposed to be like”

🔹 Parts:

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

I started on the wrong foot. I think Jovan has been no-notice late or absent to our last 3 scheduled meetings, and my frustration there is extra sticky because it’s directed inward, around my calendar/booking policies. People are eager to get on the calendar, and that eagerness seems like one reasonable metric in helping decide who to work with, but until I can codify that (at least internally), I'm stuck reacting.

Another non-policy of mine is having hard time limits on calls, which made the end difficult. Whenever I'm hitting the hour mark, parts of me are on edge, waiting to hear “ugh, James, why are you still talking? It’s been an hour!”. So again, just reacting to whatever comes up. Sometimes it’s simply “how much longer can I sit like this?” Today I was sweating. Hard to think when sweating.

But I'm not sure I would have done much differently given all that. I don’t know if we’ll talk again; we have no more calls scheduled. Thinking we might not have enough combined time/energy for the full process, I wanted to at least help give Jovan and the 6yo a running start, a taste of the process.

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🔸 A perfect day for nervous. Don't feel joy, don't feel good, or then you'll talk and get in trouble.

🔹 Parts:

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Some context: in the days preceding, Scott and I texted a bit, re his concern about publishing some of our work. We didn’t talk much about it, decided we would discuss today during our call. I assume he prepared for that discussion, as did I, and that his “prepare for challenging conversation” parts were just as surprised as mine to see what happens when Self(s) lead the way instead.
We're approaching 9pm towards the end of this call, when my word-thinker shuts down. I've already adjusted my calendar to stop offering that time slot.
I didn’t check in w protectors at the gates of this exile. Will that result in some backlash later? Very possible. Do I wish I did it differently? No, not as I write this at least. Scott and I have 5(?) calls behind us already. We’ve met protectors, and we’ve experienced the ride. I didn’t know nervous was an exile when we first encountered him (that’s why I asked if he protects the kindergartner). So when I understood that, I also understood that we’re in it. The child is here now and feeling seen for the first time. In that case I say: don’t take your eyes off him. (Which shows up as heavy-handedness, offering too many suggestions)

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🔸 Round 2: A way out. You are fear, and I am here.

🔹 Parts:

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

I usually schedule zero interaction w humans on my lowest/grumpiest day (day 2 of fasting), but I was certain we wouldn't get this wrong. At times it might have sounded that way, I wasn't clear, added to the confusion/concerns about the redo-ing process. And who doesn't have wary parts, focused on getting it right? But zoom out, even just one step back, and we see that this is building a muscle, a relationship, and that Justine-Self is supreme in loving her family.

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🔸 A clearer view ... a sense of hope ... things are better than they’ve been, but …

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Maybe I should have quit while we were ahead. But I don't have much of a protocol or policy to do so. Maybe that's because I haven't compiled the data showing that after about an hour, my body starts to ache, I gotta pee, I'm late for dinner, and those things do affect my presence. On the other hand, we were in such a magical place, I didn't want to be the one to end it. And I was genuinely learning, receiving feedback even! It's not just *her* parts that I'm wanting to bring to light.

I followed up: tell undeserver i too get terrified, when i feel like i don't have anyone else on my side, doing that most important job of asking the hard questions, checking & re-checking my decisions. and so receiving feedback or devils-advocation is ... hard to put in words. its like the warmest rarest gift. im so thankful! it's always welcome!

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🔸 Touch or drown; a statue worn down by unwanted touch. Self is the water, Self is the lifeguard.

🔹 Parts:

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🔸 I am the host now! Testing Mother Bear energy.
📌Genie followed up:

https://liveifs.com/2023/06/23/genies-blanket/

Hi James, Well that was an interesting experience LOL. Thanks for hanging in there. I hope the only problem the thunderstorm caused was your internet dropping out. I hung out with the little one for quite a while. She was happy to look around - but not to leave me. She stayed on my lap underneath the blanket, and kept checking back to look at my face to make sure I was still “there” - like being present to her. She doesn’t really understand the concept of ‘checking back in’ with her. At the moment I am crocheting a blanket. It’s got a lot of quite complex patterns, so I have to concentrate, but i told her that whenever I picked up the blanket to do another round of crochet, I would make space for her to come cuddle up next to me while I crochet. I think she understands that. And the whole blanket seemed very apt! 😀 I feel a lot more peaceful than I have in a long while. Still a bit teary eyed - but it’s ok. Thanks.

🔹 Parts:

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

A good test. If you could only send one message...? Fortunately Genie didn’t need much of me around.

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🔸 Guilt & Shock. What is the connection between "Dont stop me" & Shame?

🔹 Parts:

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

I went off script today. This protector sounded rather exiley, given how we stumbled onto the 7 yo in the hospital. Exiles feeling more close and familiar as our work progresses (a good thing). My curiosity waned towards the end, I was doing a lot of telling and not asking. I think a part in me was celebrating “this protector is telling us exactly what is needed, your work is cut out for you! Go do it!”. But I was not as welcoming of the voices of doubt.

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🔸 "We used to feed ducks at the pond, when I was little"

🔹 Parts:

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

What fun!
I think I missed something crucial in: "Ducks are so special..." *That's* what she shares with them! (Oh and ducks have the dirtiest shoes)
I'm talking too much, toward the end for sure.

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