Live IFS

By Internal Family Systems SessionsHealth & Fitness Mental Health

Live IFS episodes

September 10, 2023289: Clare A. revisits
🔸 The tallest tree; grounded.
📌 Clare followed up: Still have “my girls” (the first one with the tools and the second one from the box) with me. We are making our way across the prairie together… They are super sweet and having a great time
And the song by Mei-lan: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_U5jiW3YFw
🔹 Parts:
P: The leader, grounded, on the path. Grounding rod. Picking up where I wasn’t able to

P: The train puller. Frustration with:

E: The Weaker one cant move. "Leave me alone, everything's fine". Heavy shoes, in a box, barefoot in a meadow.
🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
I'm talking over parts, distraction from the connection, explaining and directing in ways that aren't landing. This is our 5th or 6th convo in two years, and Clare has never been one to just follow wherever I lead. Which is great! Except when I don't know where she is. So I talk more, dump out my toolbox.
It's obvious to me that Clare has superpowers, and I would bet everything that IFS can be a most valuable tool in her toolbox. How much I can help, with such limited vision, I don't know.
I dont have *the* answer for "stay with you forever" vs "check in at times" It's a logical problem, but the answer is not. So of course I can't say! It can only come from your Self, not mine.
Do differently? Book more calls with Clare. Meet in a meadow?

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1 hr 16 min
September 08, 2023288: Bee A. revisits
🔸 "You're handicapped and that's ok." It replaced my mother.
🔹 Parts:
Pull to go. Frustrated with:

Don’t go there. Let me tie your shoes for you. The weakness detector. Rather be celebrating, and pointing out *real* weaknesses in a gentler way.

Exile, 14, overwhelmed by disappointment “you’re not college material”
🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
That may have been a good session, but I was kinda out of it. Reduced curiosity, more explanatory. I track how I feel when I wake up every day. Today: feel like it is still 11pm, the night before, strange.
Sorta on autopilot, but high five, I think my autopilot is decent at IFS!

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1 hr 5 min
September 06, 2023287: Brandon A. revisits
🔸 Conquering fear. To be or not to be (Self)
🔹 Parts:
7 to 10 year old, incapable, not enough

Early teens, distraction, addiction

P: give up. You can’t parent them, you’ll just make it worse confirming you’re incapable.
🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
Do differently… with or without hindsight? Yes I'm taking shots in the dark, maybe I'm railroading. That’s what it (a part of me at least) feels like: I can’t keep up when I follow, so I need to quickly lay down track, to get ahead of an energy in full motion. Is it the *right* track? I dunno. But we’ve tried no track before, and these conversations have gotten away from me. I think my concerned parts took *me* off track, I wish I'd taken more opportunities to suggest a you-turn.

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1 hr 2 min
September 04, 2023286: Theresa A. revisits
🔸 The limit; driving over.
📌 Theresa followed up: been feeling more connected, curious, playful in my massage practice the last few days, even with an injury I managed to sustain the same day we laid Miss N. Dependent down for her nap. 😄
AND! Ever since this conversation, I have not “gone over the limit” on massages, which was something I had been trying to do for years, failing miserably until we met her. Editor's note: that' 3 months!
🔹 Parts:
P: Tired of so much massage therapy, concern of body. Wants to fix:

P: Just do it, schedule it

P: Caretaking for others

P: Driven over. All the parts afraid of the immovability of:

P: "You have to work your ass off" Fear of money stuff. Absolutely 100% attached to not needing help from anyone. Afraid nobody would be there to help us. Thinks Theresa is teen.

P: The fact checker
🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
Yesterday my energy was off (sorry, Charlotte). Today I was determined to not let that happen. Maybe I'll never find the one thing that causes it. Maybe just being mindful of it is enough for Self/system to set it right. That'd be neat. (And also grieve all the hours figuring it out)

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58 min
September 02, 2023285: Jovan A. revisits
🔸 “This isn’t what life is supposed to be like”
🔹 Parts:
6yo. Never want to grow up. Terrified, confused, depressed. Isolated, infinitely trapped. Not looking forward to Marriage, dating, working… stay in room. Wants fun. Wants a stable peaceful environment.
🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
I started on the wrong foot. I think Jovan has been no-notice late or absent to our last 3 scheduled meetings, and my frustration there is extra sticky because it’s directed inward, around my calendar/booking policies. People are eager to get on the calendar, and that eagerness seems like one reasonable metric in helping decide who to work with, but until I can codify that (at least internally), I'm stuck reacting.
Another non-policy of mine is having hard time limits on calls, which made the end difficult. Whenever I'm hitting the hour mark, parts of me are on edge, waiting to hear “ugh, James, why are you still talking? It’s been an hour!”. So again, just reacting to whatever comes up. Sometimes it’s simply “how much longer can I sit like this?” Today I was sweating. Hard to think when sweating.
But I'm not sure I would have done much differently given all that. I don’t know if we’ll talk again; we have no more calls scheduled. Thinking we might not have enough combined time/energy for the full process, I wanted to at least help give Jovan and the 6yo a running start, a taste of the process.

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1 hr 6 min
August 31, 2023284: Scott A. revisits
🔸 A perfect day for nervous. Don't feel joy, don't feel good, or then you'll talk and get in trouble.
🔹 Parts:
Focus on one thing, the purest, vs. Dabble

Critical brother

Nervous makes me look bad, Has the mic, Look cool Nervous w sessions, Never felt welcome, Nervous about being on call w james
E: Preschool, kindergarten being squeezed, ground down

Bad experience w discipline, huge group of kids

Sour milk

He was a talker, talk in class, have to stay in his room all night, give him new classroom

Got kicked in the nose, Couldn’t tie his shoes
🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
Some context: in the days preceding, Scott and I texted a bit, re his concern about publishing some of our work. We didn’t talk much about it, decided we would discuss today during our call. I assume he prepared for that discussion, as did I, and that his “prepare for challenging conversation” parts were just as surprised as mine to see what happens when Self(s) lead the way instead.
We're approaching 9pm towards the end of this call, when my word-thinker shuts down. I've already adjusted my calendar to stop offering that time slot.
I didn’t check in w protectors at the gates of this exile. Will that result in some backlash later? Very possible. Do I wish I did it differently? No, not as I write this at least. Scott and I have 5(?) calls behind us already. We’ve met protectors, and we’ve experienced the ride. I didn’t know nervous was an exile when we first encountered him (that’s why I asked if he protects the kindergartner). So when I understood that, I also understood that we’re in it. The child is here now and feeling seen for the first time. In that case I say: don’t take your eyes off him. (Which shows up as heavy-handedness, offering too many suggestions)

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1 hr 27 min
August 29, 2023283: Justine A. revisits
🔸 Round 2: A way out. You are fear, and I am here.
🔹 Parts:
It hurts so much that she doesn't matter enough.

14 yo doesn't want to be a parent

4 yo Don't look at me!
🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
I usually schedule zero interaction w humans on my lowest/grumpiest day (day 2 of fasting), but I was certain we wouldn't get this wrong. At times it might have sounded that way, I wasn't clear, added to the confusion/concerns about the redo-ing process. And who doesn't have wary parts, focused on getting it right? But zoom out, even just one step back, and we see that this is building a muscle, a relationship, and that Justine-Self is supreme in loving her family.

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1 hr 27 min
August 27, 2023 282: Olivia A. revisits
🔸 A clearer view ... a sense of hope ... things are better than they’ve been, but …
🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
Maybe I should have quit while we were ahead. But I don't have much of a protocol or policy to do so. Maybe that's because I haven't compiled the data showing that after about an hour, my body starts to ache, I gotta pee, I'm late for dinner, and those things do affect my presence. On the other hand, we were in such a magical place, I didn't want to be the one to end it. And I was genuinely learning, receiving feedback even! It's not just *her* parts that I'm wanting to bring to light.
I followed up: tell undeserver i too get terrified, when i feel like i don't have anyone else on my side, doing that most important job of asking the hard questions, checking & re-checking my decisions. and so receiving feedback or devils-advocation is ... hard to put in words. its like the warmest rarest gift. im so thankful! it's always welcome!

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1 hr 27 min
August 25, 2023281: Charlotte A. revisits
🔸 Touch or drown; a statue worn down by unwanted touch. Self is the water, Self is the lifeguard.
🔹 Parts:
P: The school teacher, manager of the fury, 70yo, "Be tough, not prissy, you're fine", rather be doing big thinking, creating a language program, in a nice office.

P: The judge of the school teacher "She's repressive"

Ps: Fears of the furious exile: "She's a sociopath/school shooter", "I'm scared of her", "I'm not good enough to understand and help her"

E: 6,7 Strapped in school desk, hiding in the back. Unbearable. Only options are complaining/screaming and enduring the touch. "Everything exists to control me". Just needs cool people to talk to, and a life guard to keep an eye out while she experiments & learns on her own. A bronze goddess.

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1 hr 22 min
August 23, 2023280: Genie A. revisits
🔸 I am the host now! Testing Mother Bear energy.
📌Genie followed up:
https://liveifs.com/2023/06/23/genies-blanket/
Hi James, Well that was an interesting experience LOL. Thanks for hanging in there. I hope the only problem the thunderstorm caused was your internet dropping out. I hung out with the little one for quite a while. She was happy to look around - but not to leave me. She stayed on my lap underneath the blanket, and kept checking back to look at my face to make sure I was still “there” - like being present to her. She doesn’t really understand the concept of ‘checking back in’ with her. At the moment I am crocheting a blanket. It’s got a lot of quite complex patterns, so I have to concentrate, but i told her that whenever I picked up the blanket to do another round of crochet, I would make space for her to come cuddle up next to me while I crochet. I think she understands that. And the whole blanket seemed very apt! 😀 I feel a lot more peaceful than I have in a long while. Still a bit teary eyed - but it’s ok. Thanks.
🔹 Parts:
Unkind disrespectful mean and rude (can’t get to)

Angry and also ashamed parts

Sad, sucking thumb. Twitchy and sensitive, hasn’t had a hug in decades “it’s hard”. The world is so big, I've been so little. Quiet, scared, didn’t know what to do!

Scrunching small (wouldn’t surprise me if this is who we were with)
🎓 What I'd like to do differently:
A good test. If you could only send one message...? Fortunately Genie didn’t need much of me around.

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51 min