NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

By Christy Jade - Narcissistic Abuse Coach, Grey Rock Coach , Gaslighting Expert, No Contact MentorHealth & Fitness Mental Health Education Self-Improvement How To

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NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship episodes

May 07, 2024 Can’t Stop Negative Thoughts? 5 Ways to Quickly Squash Them!
Squash those negative thoughts that abuse has caused! These thoughts are BS, and we have no time for them! Let's replace them and build ourselves up!
RELATED LINKS:
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
All my current offers!
Journey to Peace 1:1 Coaching Call and Blueprint
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
1:1 coaching/energy work: weekly calls:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/queens-of-peace-coaching-program2/
Self Paced Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
My #notmyshit Journal for daily empowerment:
https://amzn.to/3XzbVYd
FREE FUN:
4 Minute Empowerment Meditation: https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
30 Day Toxic Relationships Declutter: https://christyjade.ck.page/toxicdeclutter
Abuse Recovery Affirmations: https://christyjade.ck.page/affirmations
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)
After abuse, you may notice that you have negative thoughts about yourself. You might believe you're not good enough or you can't trust anyone. The good news is it's possible to stop these negative thoughts after abuse, but it takes work and patience. In today's episode, we'll talk about how to recognize those negative self-perceptions and what you can do about them.

Speaker 1: (00:22)
Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f-Ed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find alt fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course.

Speaker 1: (01:43)
First of all, I want you to repeat after me. That's not my. If you don't wanna say, say stuff, but not your. Do not let the abuser define who you are. You are so much more than the negative comments and actions of this abuser, and it's important for you to remember this. Instead of focusing on the abuser's, negative comments and actions, focus on yourself. Look at what you have achieved in life so far, the good things about you, and how far along the road to recovery from abuse has taken you. Even if you're kind of baby stepping out, you are getting onto the other side of that abuse, right? It's important not only for your mental health, but also for your self-esteem. Number two, write down those negative thoughts. If you've been following me a while, you know I love to write down feelings, so write them down.

Speaker 1: (02:32)
It's important to identify what your negative thoughts are first and how they can impact you. So when you write them down, it gives you an opportunity to really think about them in detail. You may be surprised at how often these negative thoughts actually pop up in that little brain of yours. I mean, big brain, you got a big beautiful brain. So write down the positive counter-argument. This is one of my favorite things to do with my clients when we're working through the earlier stuff and getting through these thoughts, is reversing this damage that has been done reversing these thoughts that someone else put in your head that are not true. We are going to get to the truth, right? You don't feel worthy because someone else said that. It's not because it's true. So take for example, you feel worthless. Try writing out an alternative viewpoint on the same topic.

Speaker 1: (03:22)
I am valuable. This will help shift your perspective and provide some balance in your life by reminding you of all the good things about yourself instead of focusing on this be us that someone else put in your brain and someone else tried to make you believe for their own narrative, their own life, their own. Again, that's not your, okay? So once you've written that down and you've turned it around, you can keep this handy nearby. Look at it. Maybe you wanna do one or two to start and just kind of start reminding yourself and replacing those negative thoughts is actually does work over time. It can take practice. That's where we say it's work. Yeah, it's work, it's practice, whatever you wanna call it. And it is a form of self-care, right? Number three, practicing good self-care. Woohoo. I'm the queen of self-care.

Speaker 1: (04:13)
I love it. First, find time to be alone. It's great to go out with your friends, with your family, people that lift you up. That's great, but you do need time alone to do your own work. You know that inside work that you can't really do when you have a lot of distractions. So take time to relax, unwind, meditate, do yoga, take a bath, things that you enjoy, going for a walk, reading a book. Write down even a list of things. So when you have some free time, when you've carved that out for yourself, make sure you carve it out every week. You can even go to your list and say what sounds really good? Write about. Now, if you follow me on Instagram, you know one of my favorite things to do is dance. I haven't danced as much lately, but we need to.

Speaker 1: (04:53)
We need to do some more dancing. I did do one this week, so if you're not following me on Instagram, by the way, go find me Fierce Christy Jade , and say hello. Alright, let's get to the next one, which is number four. Don't compare yourself to other people and don't beat yourself up. Sometimes when we're on this journey after abuse, we can compare ourselves to people in other situations and it's just kind of a useless thing. No person is on the same path, okay? Everybody has a different story. Everybody has a different timeline and trying to match someone else's timeline or their life in ways or wishing this or wanting that, we've just gotta let that go. We are on our own timeline. All you can do is learn from what you've gone through and apply what you learn your, you know, tools like this, getting support, anything you can do to help put your life in a different direction and learn from the past, but don't beat yourself up about the past either.

Speaker 1: (05:54)
It's gone, the past is gone. It has molded you who you are. I'm a big advocate of actually having pride, not in my pain, but in what I do with that pain, with that experience. Now, I would not be where I am today without what I have gone through. Was it like on my top 10 of how I wanna live my life? Maybe not right, but it is what it is. It happened. Some of it was devastating, some of it was horrible. But I would not be where I am today if I did not go through that. I wouldn't appreciate things the same way I do now, and I wouldn't be helping the people I am today. So I am a big advocate of not really looking at and trying to regret or beat myself up over decisions I made. Or why was I so weak?

Speaker 1: (06:44)
I couldn't get out of this like earlier than I did. Let's bs. Let's stop it. Okay? Life is too short for that. That's, that goes in that whole negative self-talk bin. We need to trash it and reverse it, shrimper and reverse it. Remember that , I don't know the the lyrics and I don't think you do either. Okay, let's move on. Number five is very important to me and has helped me a lot in my journey, and that is surrounding yourself with uplifting people. Bottom line, other people's energy affects our own energy. Can I get a what? What? You know exactly what I'm talking about, right? There's some people that when you're around them, you feel like you are on the top of the world and it's not inconsistent, right? Like, I mean, we could go down that narc path. Sometimes you could feel on top of the world with them, but then they will drop you real low.

Speaker 1: (07:36)
So that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about people who are just joyful people, peaceful people. They're not into all the drama. They just, they might, you know, everyone has their days, but in general, they're consistently a joy to be around and we gravitate toward them for a reason, right? Same goes for the opposite. There are people that are draining and will suck your energy and will use you and we'll take advantage of you. And even if they're not intentionally doing it, they'll use you as a dumping ground for just all their drama or their negativity and their complaining and their gossip. You don't need that in your life, especially after abuse. Never really, okay? Let's be honest. But especially when you have gone through something yourself and you are looking for peace, ask yourself, is this person in alignment for me in my journey to peace?

Speaker 1: (08:26)
Are they adding peace to my life? Are they adding joy or are they just sucking my energy, which is y? You probably don't have that energy to give, let's be honest, right? So surround yourselves, even if it's only a couple of close friends that you have, it's important to surround yourselves with happiness and peace and calm. People who talk about exciting things and life and activities and growth. Maybe they're doing their little self-growth themselves, right? Not people who talk about other people in dramatic situations. That's how it feels inside, right? We don't like that. So don't take on all this negative energy that you just have no business taking on right now. And if you don't have those people, go find them. Get yourself out there. I know you're doing all this healing work and everything, but it is a really nice thing to have a support system.

Speaker 1: (09:18)
You can always look on like Facebook groups or meetup.com. There's all sorts of resources. You can always reach out to me, I can help you out finding those things. I love doing that sort of thing. You can always email me in all my information is down in the show notes, aka the podcast description. Also, don't forget, I have one more spot open. So if you want an hour long phone call with a two week blueprint to piece that we can work on, I'm working on a framework for a course I'm doing, so I'm taking on a few clients right now at a very discounted price. So it's $50 instead of my normal 200 for this. So if you are interested, email me. I have one more spot left fierce mama, M A m A c gmail.com. Or you can find ways to connect with me in my show notes.

Speaker 1: (10:07)
But yes, I would love to, I'm gonna try to tie that up this week. So reach out if you are interested like asap so we can get going and I would love to help you. So to wrap this up, these mofos did some damage to your brain, okay? It is not irreversible, it is not going to identify you. We're not gonna let it. Okay? So number one, what are we gonna do to help focusing on yourself and remembering this is their, okay? This is their stuff. You write those negative thoughts down. That's number two. Write them down, turn them around. Woo, can make a song out of it. Number three, practice your good old self-care. Number four, don't compare yourself to other people. Give yourself grace for the past. And number five, surround yourself with positive mofos instead of negative mofos. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1: (10:58)
We need some cheerleaders around us right now. All right, so, so be comforted in the fact it's possible to stop the negative thoughts, but it may take a little time, a little practice like I said, but it's okay to have these negative thoughts. It's totally normal to have this after abuse. So if you're like, why can't I stop thinking because you have had a narcissist. Who are the worst people in the world that can scramble your brains up real good, but we are gonna unscramble them, okay? So between the self-care of meditation, yoga, and the rewriting of these negative thoughts, flipping them into positives, you can start to rewire your brain and your nervous system. Again, it takes time and there are more ways. So if you work with me, like you grab one of those calls, we can work on more customized ways and we will do that.

Speaker 1: (11:44)
I love doing that with my clients. So know that there is a way to stop these thoughts. I know they can get obsessive and overwhelming. So breathe, and part of, for me, part of knowing there is going to be a way out with something that helped me with having faith and seeing someone else on the other side. So I'm here to tell you, I'm on the other side. Is life perfect with no hiccups? No, but I can't tell you the amount of growth I had in actually a pretty quick time. So if you're willing to put the effort in and get support, it's a lot quicker, . So I will see you in the next episode, and as always, don't forget how wonderful you are. You deserve to be loved. You didn't deserve what happened to you. You are stepping up and healing and it's a beautiful thing. I'm so proud of you. Talk to you soon. Smooches and dos. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.
14 min
April 30, 2024 Use The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins to Get Motivated!
Abuse can wreck your motivation during and even after! The 5 second rule helped me and helps many. Here is how to use it in general, and specifically after you have gone through narcissistic abuse.
All my current offers!
Journey to Peace 1:1 Coaching Call and Blueprint
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
1:1 coaching/energy work: weekly calls:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/queens-of-peace-coaching-program2/
Self Paced Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
My #notmyshit Journal for daily empowerment:
https://amzn.to/3XzbVYd
FREE FUN:
4 Minute Empowerment Meditation: https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
30 Day Toxic Relationships Declutter: https://christyjade.ck.page/toxicdeclutter
Abuse Recovery Affirmations: https://christyjade.ck.page/affirmations
PODCAST:
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

Speaker 1: (00:00)
, is your motivation non-existent after years of abuse? Do you have ideas of who you wanna be but feel paralyzed to start, stay tuned for a trick I learned years ago that helped me drag my big old butt out of bed and finally be the person I wanted to be.

Speaker 1: (00:18)
Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me. Whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course.

Speaker 1: (01:39)
After disconnecting from a narcissist, the damage does not end. I felt such confusing emotions and was so overwhelmed that I had no motivation in my body. I literally felt paralyzed to make decisions to get my butt out of bed to the gym, or to put myself out there in relationships. One quote I heard that supports this trick I'm about to share is better done than perfect. This has helped me so much in my journey due to lack of confidence from abuse. I question and still do at times myself all the time. Back then also, depression is a thing and it can come immediately after disconnecting from narcissist. I mean, if you're already not down in the dumps, disconnect from one and it does. It does not help the situation other than getting away from them. But the depression can get worse and just the feeling of chaos in your mind can can be worse.

Speaker 1: (02:35)
So that will impact the motivation you have in your everyday life, right? So after I disconnected from monarchy, I landed upon motivational speaker and author Mel Robbins. If you don't know her, she's amazing. Go check her out. And she is known for this five second rule. It is simple but effective in a nutshell. Here it is. In her own words. If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within five seconds or your brain will kill it. So you start counting backwards to yourself from five. So it's obviously 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. As soon as you hit one, you have to physically push yourself to move. You have to take physical action as you count down from five to one, you'll be distracting your brain from coming up with all the reasons why you either should do something else. If it's like you're gonna go to the gym or you're gonna go eat that healthy salad or whatever.

Speaker 1: (03:33)
Or in a lot of my case, it was just getting out of my head, right? And physically getting up and getting out of that cycle helped. So I would sometimes take it a step further. If you're really ruminating, get out of the room you're in, even start to clean, get out of the house, pick up the phone, call a friend, but physically do something in another space. Also, counting down from five to one is a starting ritual. It will interrupt old behavior patterns and trigger new ones. So the more you do this, the easier it becomes, right? So it can take a while to retrain the brain in general, but the more you do it, the easier getting motivated becomes. And if all goes well over time, you won't need to countdown. You will have enough experience to have rewritten your pattern of whatever it is, the blocks, the letting the thoughts take over and paralyzing you.

Speaker 1: (04:29)
And we don't wanna be paralyzed. We don't want our brains to be paralyzed. We have a big life to live. We wanna thrive, right? That's the name of the show. We gotta thrive. So write down, better done than perfect. And five second rule on piece of paper, a post-it, whatever, slap it on your mirror. I want you have post-its all over that Say this until you get it and go get or done. So don't forget, you deserve love. You are beautiful, and you deserve to be treated like a queen. Can I get a namen? Say it. I didn't hear you. Amen. All righty, see you in the next episode. If you are not subscribed, go hit the subscribe button so you can catch me next time. Smooches and deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade Fun.
6 min
April 23, 2024 5 Ways to Build Confidence After Abuse
Feeling like the damage is done and not sure how or if you will ever get that sparkle back? On today's episode, I share 5 ways to build your confidence after the damage of abuse!
RELATED LINKS:
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
MY CURRENT OFFERS:

All my current offers!
Journey to Peace 1:1 Coaching Call and Blueprint
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/
1:1 coaching/energy work: weekly calls:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-monthly/
1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/queens-of-peace-coaching-program2/
Self Paced Boundaries Course: https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries/
My #notmyshit Journal for daily empowerment:
https://amzn.to/3XzbVYd
FREE FUN:
4 Minute Empowerment Meditation: https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
30 Day Toxic Relationships Declutter: https://christyjade.ck.page/toxicdeclutter
Abuse Recovery Affirmations: https://christyjade.ck.page/affirmations
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)
Feeling like the damage is done and you have no idea how to get your sparkle back, or maybe you never had a chance to sparkle, then this episode is for you. I will give you five ways to rebuild your confidence after any kind of abuse.

Speaker 1: (00:17)
Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'mChristy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course.

Speaker 1: (01:37)
All right, so today we're talking about confidence. I have an interesting relationship to confidence. Maybe some of you can relate to this. I was a class clown. I was energetic. I'm loud, I'm outgoing. And I think a lot of people take that as like, oh, she's so confident, right? I will tell you this, I had very low self-esteem in many parts of my life. Maybe not every single one, but many parts of my life growing up. And that can often be a result of living in some sort of abusive environment where you are maybe dismissed or don't feel good enough, or to the deeper level of emotional physical abuse. So it was a just very interesting relationship I had with it. As I've gotten older and gone through therapy, I've developed what we call real confidence, where I'm not cocky, but I've realized I am worthy just like everybody else in this world.

Speaker 1: (02:30)
So we'll have a whole other episode on confidence in general. But these are five ways to build confidence. So let's dig in. Number one, self-care, no matter what that made you feel about yourself, and maybe they made you feel like you do not deserve to care for yourself or put yourself first, that's bs. So no matter what you feel like you deserve, you have to start prioritizing yourself. That means positive self-talk, giving yourself grace, eating healthier, not gobbling down bottles of wine and brownies. Maybe I did that at one point. , how we treat our bodies completely affects our minds and vice versa, right? So we've gotta do the physical and the mind body parts as well. That is the physical mind, body, spirit. You know what I'm saying? So after I knocked out abusive people out of my life and started working out four times a week, just that alone, I felt like a new person.

Speaker 1: (03:28)
So if you don't, you feel like you don't have the motivation like that sounds great, Christy. That's cool. I don't have the motivation to work out four days a week. Well, you need to do the five second rule, which will be my next episode. It's a mini episode. I'm actually sneaking a little bonus episode in this week. So look out for it. If you are not subscribed, that is the way to be notified of my episodes. So as they come out. So go hit the subscribe button if you're not subscribed. So you'll get notification for that later this week. Number two, let yourself finally be you. When you have lived walking on eggshells and trying to please that person or those people, you never even had your, your chance to have your true identity, like your true self. Like what do you want? You know, what is your path you've been living for other people?

Speaker 1: (04:14)
Or if, let's say you had a honky dory upbringing and then entered a relationship with someone abusive, maybe you lost it. You lost your identity, you lost who you were, you lost your sparkle, right? So either way, it's you 2.0 now, like you back, you're a queen. Let's do this. What lights you up? Try different things. Take classes. Build new friendships with like-minded people. I found a completely new me that resulted in the icing on the cake of attracting like a whole new tribe. And that was just by organically doing the things that I was really interested and setting boundaries and all of that stuff. So I naturally built a more positive community around me by doing that. Speaking of boundaries, number three, set boundaries without guilt. I'm the queen of this. Now, I used to set boundaries, but I would feel really guilty after that is no longer the case, which is an amazing feeling, and you will get there.

Speaker 1: (05:13)
But finally, give yourself permission to say no or what I like to think of it as saying yes to the things that are meant for me in my path, right? So you gotta evaluate and set your priorities, which is what I do with my clients. Like first thing. So then you know, what are my priorities? And when you say no, it's, it's not full of guilt because you're, you know, you're doing what is your priority, and in my case, God's priority as well. So you can write a list of things you desire and prioritize them and build your boundaries that keep the things and people that you do not want in your life out. So check out my show notes that's in the little podcast description and Apple or whatever platform you're listening on. There should be a description underneath each episode, and there will be a link to my course that can help you with setting boundaries, keeping them, all of that without guilt.

Speaker 1: (06:02)
Number four, get support. Whether it is a therapist or a life coach like me that truly understands what a deep effect, essentially abuse has, some people just don't get it. You know, they may read it in a book. I highly suggest someone, whether it's me or someone else, somebody who has actually gone through abuse themselves to really like empathize with you because they've been through it. So definitely look for that. When you are seeking support, I mean, you've been through hell, okay? And there are people out there that understand it. You're not alone. You are not alone. It's, it's way more common than it should be. So you're not alone and somebody that you can trust, you can build a relationship, can help you walk through that fire, right? That you might still be, you're kind of walking out of, but you're still feeling the heat.

Speaker 1: (06:55)
Get to the other side so then you can truly thrive. And there, I promise you can thrive even if you do not feel like it right now. So today, get yourself a nice little notebook, a cute little pen, and write out what you desire. Anything from hobbies you wanna try to the type of friendships you want in your life to dying, your hair a new color, booking a vacation, write it all down and start working toward one of those things today. Think what can I do today to add a little bit of light into my life? Baby steps, right? It's through the small steps that we create entirely new and thriving lives. So I'd love to know what you're working on. You can join my free Facebook group. Again, they're in those little show notes. My link to my Facebook is always there and go in the group, introduce yourself, whatever, and post what you think would be a great addition to you 2.0.

Speaker 1: (07:50)
That's the new fabulous queen you. If you aren't subscribed to this podcast, once again, hit the subscribe button and then I will see you in the next episode. And don't forget, you are amazing. You are worthy, and you should be treated like a queen. Smooches induces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com , and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade. Fun.
9 min
April 16, 2024 5 Ways to Rebalance Your Nervous System After Narcissistic Abuse
Do you feel like your mind body and dang soul are just a wreck after being in a narcissistic abusive situation? Here are 5 ways that helped me recalibrate my nervous system so I could live a life of more joy! They will be total game changers for you, too!
Start your day with CONFIDENCE and STABILITY:
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
WORK WITH ME:

All my current offers!
Journey to Peace 1:1 Coaching Call and Blueprint
Journey to Peace Coaching Call and Blueprint

1:1 coaching/energy work: weekly calls:
She Thrives Transformational Coaching - Monthly

1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation
Queens of Peace Coaching Program MINUS Voxer

Self Paced Boundaries Course:
Empowered Boundaries Course

My #notmyshit Journal for daily empowerment:
#NOTMYSHIT JOURNAL: 5 minutes a day to giving zero effs about the things you shouldn't

FREE FUN:
4 Minute Empowerment Meditation:
Quick Morning Meditation
30 Day Toxic Relationships Declutter:
DECLUTTER TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS GUIDE
Abuse Recovery Affirmations:
Affirmations

And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
[email protected]
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)
Do you feel like your mind, body, and even your dang soul or just a wreck after being in a narcissistic, abusive situation? Stay tuned for five ways to help you recalibrate your nervous system so you can live a life full of more joy.

Speaker 1: (00:16)
Hey Queens, welcome to, but Still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had a disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www dot christy jade, that's christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course.

Speaker 1: (01:36)
Let's be honest, just because the abuse has ended doesn't mean the damage is over. Unfortunately. You have to recalibrate, rebalance all the things, which it is possible. We're gonna start today with five ways to get your nervous system rebalanced after narcissistic abuse. So when I got out of my situation, I still felt like I was in this state of constant, almost just preparing for the worst. Like everything was always just tight and stressed out. And so I was either like distracting myself and go, go, go doing the work, overachiever mode, all the things running around, cleaning my house just like this super, super hyper focused energy. Or I was like completely depleted. I felt like there was no in between. And I was like, I need to fix this. I need to get a hold of myself, my brain, my body, everything felt spent. And I was like, I want to get balance.

Speaker 1: (02:33)
So here are some things I did to recalibrate this. Suck it bad. All right? You know what I'm saying? Okay, number one, this is like basics. We're doing 1 0 1 right here. This is like drinking your water, eating the bright, shiny, colorful foods. I was not eating enough veggies, I'll be honest. I'm just not. When you're stressed out all the time, you tend to not take care of your basic needs, right? And good sleep, which I know it can take time. You might need a little therapy to get some better sleep or pop in one of those lovely hills. Not the hard stuff, okay, I'm talking about some melatonin . Number two, get that vitamin D not in a pill form. Get outside, get your butt outside. Not only is vitamin D good for you, but your brain literally changes when you step out into nature. It is an automatic mood boost.

Speaker 1: (03:22)
And side note, by the way, if you have kids, you can totally use this. I use it to get my daughter out of her cranky cycle. It's like the first thing I do. If she gets cranky, I'm like, we're going outside. Even if it's for two minutes, it works every time. And if I have a little squabble with my hubby, I throw his out the door and in the sunlight too. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Okay, number three, meditate every single day. I don't care. I don't care. If you don't meditate, you're going to Now the big boss is here. Here I am, queen. Oh my gosh, this, seriously, you guys is a life changer. If you can do it every day, great. I really want you to try it, even if it's just five minutes. But I, I mean I dove in, I dove in.

Speaker 1: (04:05)
I started probably 20, 30 minutes. And when you start meditating, you're gonna wanna do it more cuz you realize how effective it is. It is a life changer, I promise. So if you're not doing it, incorporate it into your morning routine. Um, you can do it at night. But I find the best effect is doing it right in the morning. I have a four minute mood boost, which is my client's favorite meditation ever cuz it's four minutes, but it will shift your mood. So if you wanna start out like simple, I will put that in the show notes, like the description and the podcast. So check that out and yes, you'll love it. You will love it. Number four is yoga. Kind of the same idea. And you have the added benefit of getting stretchier, which let's face it, we are getting a little older and have less stretchiness.

Speaker 1: (04:55)
The elasticity is going, so we need to work at it harder. So I don't know about you, but I was creaking when I got up after a movie in the movie theater. I mean, I don't know, it started years ago. I just, it was creaky creaks. And when I keep up with my yin yoga especially, that really gets in like the fascia and the deep tissue. Like it's amazing. My body does not make the noises that compete with the popcorn crunching. So it's a extra bonus. Seriously. I really, really recommend yoga. It's awesome. You can do the hot yoga, you can be baller. I do the yin yoga. It's just so relaxing and it makes you just really stop and be in the moment. I just love it. Number five. All right, you big hippies. Let's end with a bang here. You are going to walk barefoot outside.

Speaker 1: (05:44)
Yeah, you may hate me for this one, but if you actually do it, you will thank me. This is what we call grounding. Oh, the magical things it does for your body. You may end up with neighbors gossiping about you, but you won't care cuz you'll be so excited and just running around like a magical unicorn. And maybe you will attract a like-minded neighbor that wants to run around like a magical unicorn. Unicorn. Oh my gosh, it's getting crazy over here. unicorn feet, naked wind in the hair. You just never know people, okay? So you never know, you'll find your tribe by running around with your naked feet. Seriously. Grounding is really awesome. You can hide, you can do it in your backyard where no one can see you. But connecting your body to the earth is a thing that is just, it's you gotta do it to, to understand.

Speaker 1: (06:37)
Okay, now these are just five tools. We have all sorts of things. We'll have more episodes about this. Write me your questions at fierce mama, M A M A [email protected] sending specific questions. And I hope these five tools have helped you today. So go start resetting that BS that that toxic, nasty caused you. I'm so mad at them. Okay? I promise we can undo this, catch you in the next episode of, but still she thrives. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www dot christy jade, christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.
8 min
April 09, 2024 How to Have Healthy Relationships After Narcissistic Abuse
Not trusting yourself to choose wisely? In today's episode, I will discuss the ways to create healthy relationships after narcissistic abuse.
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Quick Morning Meditation
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DECLUTTER TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS GUIDE
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Affirmations
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
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Let's connect on social media!
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)
Are you worried you'll end up in another toxic relationship in your life? This could be a romantic partner or even a friendship. Today we're gonna talk about 10 ways to have healthy relationships after letting go of toxic people.

Speaker 1: (00:16)
Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? And you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had a disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com , That's christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course.

Speaker 1: (01:36)
Okay? Story time for me. When I started to really set boundaries in my life, it was not just romantic relationships, but friendships as well. I had not realized what I had put up with and wondered if I even knew what a normal relationship or close friendship looked like. I had some controlling as$ people in my life, and maybe developed some co-dependency, ugh. But now I have an amazing husband and only awesome, uplifting, supportive friends, and I don't tolerate from anybody. It's so peaceful. So there is hope. Let's dive in. Number one, take the time to heal. That could be meditation. It doesn't have to be an hour long meditation, just a few minutes in the morning to start your day. Yoga, journaling time with just you to sort stuff out. It is a process. It's just really letting your body, your mind, your heart, all that stuff kind of sort through.

Speaker 1: (02:34)
What the heck just happened. All right. This doesn't mean you can't date or go hang out with new people, but make sure you are carving out time for just you to heal on a weekly basis. Number two, forgive yourself. A lot of us carry guilt after we leave an abusive situation. We're in survival mode while we're in it. And don't evaluate and see things like we do when we finally get out. You may think, hell on earth, did I put up with this? Or how did I let my kids see this? There will be a lot of questioning going on, and that is normal, but you did the best you could with what you knew inside of that relationship. So give yourself grace. You're here now climbing out of an ugly dark hole, and you have to focus on the climb up into the light, not looking back, making it harder on yourself.

Speaker 1: (03:20)
So be proud of where you are now and let that guilt go. Three, evaluate what you want in a relationship, how you wanna feel. Literally write a list of what you want in a relationship. You are probably never asked this before, so it could take a minute. What do you want? How do you wanna feel? What's a deal breaker for you? Now, what are characteristics you want in a partner? Make it fun. I did this years before I met my husband and he hit about 95% of the wants I had. He was an introvert though. I thought I wanted an extrovert. Guess what? I probably didn't want an extrovert. Two extroverts, two wild extroverts in one place can get a little crazy. So sometimes we also think we might want something and that changes. So that's okay too. But I found an amazing guy with a lot of check marks on my list.

Speaker 1: (04:11)
So there is hope. Number four, take things slow. You may have co-dependency tendencies, just a thing. So this may be tough, but trust that the right person will take it slow with you. You need to go slow to be able to go in cautiously and protect your heart as you start to navigate new relationships of any kind. Number five, slowly try to trust. Again, not blindly, right? You don't wanna go in like just trust in everybody. But by setting expectations, you can trust yourself more than you think. So knowing that yes, you missed some red flags or you stepped over some red flags, you're on the other side. You know what it feels like you have that experience to start to build trust with yourself. Number six, don't punish your new person for your old one's mistakes. While it's great to look out for red flags, don't create problems that do not exist.

Speaker 1: (05:05)
But if you're open about your past with your new partner, uh, don't go doing that on the first date, okay? But once you feel comfortable enough, talk about your history and let them in on that and be vulnerable. So if things do come up, you can talk it out. Listen to your intuition. Most people that were in abusive relationships did get warning signs, but ignored them or excuse them. This is where you have a chit chat with yourself and promise you will not overlook signs this time. Once you're on the other side, it is easier, like I said, to see them and you now know the damage toxic relationships can cause. So you are more likely to back away with the red flags before you are already sucked in deep. Number eight, prioritize self-care. If you know me, you know, I could preach on this all day.

Speaker 1: (05:55)
I actually have a planner. It's a planner pad. It's awesome. I have it for sale. It'll be in the description notes or you can email me at fiercemamac@gmail. But this planner makes you prioritize self-care every day at the top. And then it has an hourly planner and on the back it's got a space for gratitude and for to-dos all the fun. So check that out in the show notes. But self-care is so important. That's why I created it. And especially when you've been through abuse, your body has been through heck, your body, mind, spirit, everything, right? So you have to prioritize yourself for once. Do the things that light you up, all of them. Take fun classes, get a massage. Leave your room messy and curl up with a good book. But take care of you. Number nine, keep your heart open.

Speaker 1: (06:46)
I promise. There are amazing people in this world that's romantic partners, that's friends. They're out there, and I know you might feel like your heart is hardened, but it will soften with time and if you allow it to. So I encourage you to keep your heart open and you will find loving, supportive people that will fill those deep dark holes full of narcissistic jack asses. Oh, sorry. Okay, here we go. Number 10, get support for helping with your triggers and your processing. All of the stuff that your mind, body, and soul are going through. You need support. It's important. This could be a therapist, this could be a life coach specializing in narcissistic abuse like me. So whatever it is, get some support. Surround yourself with supportive people and start your healing journey. I am so proud of you for getting out of your toxic situation, and I hope that this helps you on your journey.

Speaker 1: (07:44)
Now it's time to feel free and live a life of peace. You are amazing. You are important. Really important, okay? And you deserve happiness. So see you in the next episode, smooches and Deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com , And go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade Fun.
9 min
April 02, 2024 Things I did to Start My Healing Journey From Abuse Journey Narcissistic Abuse Recovery for Women
Hey Queens!
In today's episode, we will talk about 5 things that helped me heal more quickly in my narcissistic abuse recovery.
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My 4 MINUTE meditation:
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-------
All my current offers!
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Journey to Peace Coaching Call and Blueprint
1:1 coaching/energy work: weekly calls:
She Thrives Transformational Coaching - Monthly
1:1 coaching/energy 3 month program for major transformation
Queens of Peace Coaching Program MINUS Voxer
Self Paced Boundaries Course:
My #notmyshit Journal for daily empowerment:
#NOTMYSHIT JOURNAL: 5 minutes a day to giving zero effs about the things you shouldn't
FREE FUN:
4 Minute Empowerment Meditation:
Quick Morning Meditation
30 Day Toxic Relationships Declutter:
DECLUTTER TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS GUIDE
Abuse Recovery Affirmations:
Affirmations
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
https://www.christyjade.com/

Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
[email protected]
Let's connect on social media!
My Instagram
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---------------------------------------
TRANSCRIPTION
Speaker 1: (00:00)
Hello Queens. I'm so excited you are here. Today we're gonna talk about five things to do at the start of your healing from abuse journey. So whether you are in it and trying to claw your way out, or you are kind of on the other side and starting to heal, or you've been on the outside for a little bit, but still feeling like you just have a lot of work to do. These are some of the things, some tips that I myself did at the beginning of my journey and wanna share with you all.

Speaker 1: (00:38)
Hey friends, welcome to the, but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time.

Speaker 1: (01:31)
Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at bit.ly/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help you. So we're touching on some basic tips today. Sometimes when we're in abusive situations or even after leaving them, we don't really see just how abusive they were or are and just what a huge effect they can have on us. We're so used to having the finger pointed at us, can I get a amen? Can I get a what, what ? That? We sometimes do the same thing to ourselves so we can blame ourselves. Think we aren't worthy, feel hopeless in the end, right? But I have good news. It's not your fault. You're not crazy. You are valuable, you're worthy, you're loved, and there is hope. So when I was still in my abusive situation, it, I just didn't realize it was actually even abuse.

Speaker 1: (02:29)
Like I wouldn't even say that word. I was kind of in denial about it. Uh, it was kind of all I knew and I thought it was just how life was. It actually took a friend of mine who saw it with her own eyes. It took her letting me know that this was like not normal at all. Her reaction finally shook me into being like, oh, this ain't right, . So it still took years for me to get brave enough to remove this person from my life and a while after that, just to see how deep the damage was. And during the abuse, I felt crazy, right? You're questioning yourself and I'm sure a lot of you can relate to that. And afterwards, I continued to question myself. That is something that I didn't expect. I kind of, once I got out of the situation, felt relief.

Speaker 1: (03:22)
But something I realized that could happen was questioning myself, getting guilt and harassed by the abuser, which I eventually totally cut off and then guilted by other people. Okay? And that was tough, and I hope you cannot relate to that, but I know many of you will be able to, and I'm going to do an entire episode on this because this was heart wrenching and like blew my world up when it happened because it felt just so isolating and just I finally felt relief and then immediately was getting guilt from family members, uh, multiple, multiple family members, aka a his enablers, um, told me I was ruining the family. I needed to fix things. And that basically I, I was the problem, right? I had to fix this problem and it was on me. Not that he was abusive, right? That was just him. That's still, that's just him, right?

Speaker 1: (04:21)
Very dismissive. So again, we're getting into the whole dismissive part we talked about in this last episode, and it can run in families. These traits can run in family members and you might see those patterns. So we won't get too far into that, but I wanted to mention that to you just because that is part of the healing journey you may have to deal with as well. I remember, I mean, ugly crying, like nobody needs to see that face, that mascara running, that just the ugly cry, ugly crying on the bathroom floor. One day after I told one family member that I was going to get a restraining order on the abuser and they said I could not do that to him. That's where we need a whole episode, because that is so backwards and messed up. And we are the ones, the victims who should be protected.

Speaker 1: (05:13)
And when the abuser is protected, it really is heart-wrenching. And unless you experience it, you don't know. But if you know, you know, and you're with me and you're feeling it, and it, it's not a good feeling, but we're gonna touch all that. So after that, I, I went straight to therapy. I was like laying on the couch, hand me the tissues because I've gotta be strong and I need support. So I got some help and started, you know, going in the right direction, being strong. And here's just some of the things that, the tools that I got from my therapist and just kind of doing my own research and my own coping mechanisms, if you will, . But there were five things, there were a lot of things, but the five things that I wanted to share today that I, I did in the beginning of my healing journey was first recognizing the bigness of it because it was way bigger than I realized.

Speaker 1: (06:06)
Not just the the actual abuse, but the actual healing and the damage that had been done. So you might need to take a minute to really recognize like this is a big deal and validate yourself. Get validation from someone you trust close to you. Like with my husband, I had to talk to him about it, um, and my best friend and I had a good support system. And I also, like I said, I got a therapist, um, because not even my husband or my best friend had been through what I had and my therapist did go through abuse herself. So I felt like she could really get it. And giving yourself grace, knowing this is huge and this, it might take me some time and, and I might take a step back or I might have really hard days, but you're going to keep moving forward.

Speaker 1: (06:54)
You just keep strong. Number two, journaling the out of my experience, basically, which was tough. This is not fun. This is not for the fan of heart, but actually pen to paper, I take it back, no pen to paper. I put it in my computer where I could lock it up and nobody could see it, where I just journaled my experience and what happened. And that was truly therapeutic for me. I did shed some tears. It was hard to write it out, to say it out loud to even though it was to myself saying things out loud that I never really reflected on, I didn't wanna think about. Um, and that's something you can do in therapy if you feel like you need more support. I did a lot of it on my own, but I also talked to my therapist about some of it.

Speaker 1: (07:41)
But with her, I focused on, I like to go forward and, and, you know, start from now. So I did a lot of the other work that digging work myself, but it's up to you how you handle and what you can deal with. Everybody's totally different. So journaling though is very therapeutic, so I highly suggest that. Number three, yoga. Funny story. I did hip hop dance my whole life. Yep. I'm gangsta. Me and Snoop doing it up. Um, I hated anything slow. I I quit ballet. It was too slow. I did yoga little I tried in my twenties and was just like, this is slow. I'm bored. But I knew that I had to kind of reset my nervous system. Your nervous system after abuse gets shook. I'm telling you, if you give yoga a chance, and part of it is I think we're just not used to that much calm and it's freaky give yoga a chance.

Speaker 1: (08:42)
They do have hot yoga and faster yoga. I was like, I'm going for the slowest yoga I can do. I did yin yoga, I still danced, so it's not like I gave that up. I did dance, but I also knew I need something really calming. Asa did meditation. So the yoga was called yin yoga. Now I loved it so much. I teach it and it is amazing. It takes some getting used to, to slow down that much if you're not used to it, but it truly calms your nervous system. So give it a chance. Let, don't just try it once or twice. Really try to do it for a month and you'll, you'll see the benefits and you'll wanna continue. And like I said, meditation as well. Something calming. Alright, surrounding yourself, sorry. Number four, surrounding yourself with healthy, positive people. Okay, this one's huge.

Speaker 1: (09:37)
A lot of us who have dramatic upbringings or just, you know, kind of chaotic environments or we used to fast paced this and that and, you know, some abusive chaos, whatever you wanna call it, also tend to attract people that are dramatic or are in similar situations. Um, we can attract each other. I found that I had chosen some friends that I had to walk on eggshells around or were controlling, right? So I had to really evaluate who I was hanging out with, surrounding myself with and adjust accordingly. Basically, I did remove a couple of friends from my life after realizing that I wasn't being treated as well as I would like. I'm not saying you gotta go hack off all your friendships. Um, I had specific situations where it became prominent that it just wasn't a good fit for friendship anymore and good luck.

Speaker 1: (10:41)
No bad feelings, but I just had to distance myself hopefully. And I also had some great friends that I had and I still have, and hopefully you have some great people to surround yourself with, but let's go through what healthy positive people look like. And this did leave more room in my life for those people. So people that are not gossipers, that are not always talking about other people, that's, that's healthy, right? Talking about growth and happy things. And I mean, it could be a surface level of just talking about, you know, fun things like what movies you're watching are going shopping together. And then there are the people that you can lean on each other, but it's not always so heavy or gossipy, right? So it needs to be a good balanced person that you have in your life. Multiple people and people that really lift you up, right?

Speaker 1: (11:35)
The cheerleader types. I have a couple people in my life that I mean are, are really like cheerleaders for me. And it felt really weird at first because I wasn't used to that. I was used to being criticized a lot and it was so refreshing but also felt almost uncomfortable because I wasn't used to it. Definitely surround yourself with uplifting cheerleader type people that are going to make you feel good about yourself. Cuz it, we deserve it. this last one. Super simple, but that's okay. Like we need simple guys. We need simple. After all the we've been through, we deserve simple, positive affirmations. You've probably heard it, maybe it sounds hokey. I don't care. It's simple and it actually works. This is something I did right away on my journey. I actually recorded my own voice saying, I mean I probably had 25 positive affirmations going on in the beginning of all this.

Speaker 1: (12:39)
Um, and if you need help setting up some affirmations or you want some of mine, I have some I can send to you. So write me at fierce mama. See gmail.com. Fierce mama see gmail.com. This is all in the show notes, always, um, all my information. So positive affirmations, it really does help you rewire your brain. Yes, you, you know, doing the other work and the therapy and all the things helps, but I found they really, really did help me every morning and every night I would play on, it was just on my iPhone, on my memo notes there, whatever you call 'em, the little voice recording. And I would listen to it right when I woke up and then right before I went to sleep every night, sometimes I'd fall asleep. I'd put it like on a loop and it really did have an impact because the first thing you do when you wake up, you can start going into negative thoughts, right?

Speaker 1: (13:34)
So replacing that with positive thoughts. And then same thing, your mind could be spinning at night, right? You have all these swirling to-do lists on top of this negative self-talk you may have from the abuse. And replacing that, being forced to listen to positive affirmations really help me and I know it'll help you too. Another thing, if you're a God person, which I am, praise him, go jc. prayer really helped, it's helped me on this journey. It's helped me in everything in my life. I always say like the, the closer I am to God, I've had phases or I've always been close and pray. And, but when I'm like really talking to God here and there throughout the day, having my little side note prayers and morning and night maybe, um, doing devotionals. When I'm in those like really heavy God seasons of my life, which should be always, I get it, but you know, I'm human.

Speaker 1: (14:32)
That is when I feel the best and I thrive even more in my life. So big props to the big g o d. If you're a God person, if you're a universe person, whatever, I don't, I don't care what it is. Your higher power that you believe in, lean on, lean on that it is there for that reason. And I, I couldn't have gotten through that journey without not just God, but also having faith. Just having faith that yes, I've been through this, but I'm strong enough to get through this and I'm going to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and walk this path and believe that this is where I'm supposed to be, like it or not. And I'm gonna be in a better place soon. So those are my little tips for you that I, as you know, some of the things like I said that I did to help myself and got me through.

Speaker 1: (15:31)
And if you have questions or comments, like I said, you can email me [email protected] And I will see you in the next episode. Smooches and dueces. Girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at bit.ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.

17 min
March 26, 2024 The Cycle of Abuse and How to Avoid Getting Into an Abusive Relationship Again | Narcissistic Abuse Healing
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---------TRANSCRIPT----------
Speaker 1: (00:00)
Hello friends. In today's episode, we are going to talk about the actual cycle of abuse and what to do to avoid getting into an abusive relationship again.

Speaker 1: (00:14)
Hey friends, welcome to the but still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christy, Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I got you. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over bitly.com/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help you.

Speaker 1: (01:23)
So first we're gonna talk about the actual cycle of abuse. There is a actual diagram with a cycle. And when I saw this for the first time in my therapy office, many, many moons ago, I felt overwhelmed with emotions because I thought I was kind of crazy. And seeing this diagram made me feel validated and seen and like this is a real thing. And I felt like I kind of had proof now of the cycle. So let's dive into this cycle. Maybe you already know about it, maybe you don't. And you hear this and you're like, that's me. That happened, that happened, that happened. Oh my gosh. And it will be kind of a mind blow for you. I'm here for you, I'm here to support you. Let's go through those stages. I also first want to remind you, an abusive relationship can be not, it doesn't have to be romantic relationship.

Speaker 1: (02:16)
It, it often is, but it can be a parent, it can be a sibling, it can be a friendship, it can be your Aunt Tilly, it can be a boss, it can be a gerbil. I had a gerbil to bit my nose. Hey, it's a real thing. Okay, so let's get into the cycle of abuse, but keep that in mind because a lot of us who um, have gone through abuse as a child or choose, you know, abusive relationships, there's something in us that may, that may be a pattern. And we choose abusive, friendships, relationships, et cetera, et cetera. So we can kind of somewhat what they say attract. I don't like to put it that way, but we can attract certain types of people or tolerate certain things because we are comfortable and used to them. So let's dig in. The first phase usually is the calm, okay?

Speaker 1: (03:02)
That's what starts it off. Usually you meet someone and it's that honeymoon feeling. They're calm, they're on their best behavior, and the relationship is relatively calm and it's peaceful. So, you know, this is where you can kind of get tricked. Okay? This is the honeymoon phase, which most relationships go through. The difference is the extremes and what comes after. So after the calm comes the tension building phase. This is where tensions increase. There's lack of communication and the victim starts to feel fearful or second guessing themselves starts to feel somewhat maybe uncomfortable. And then this can lead to an incident. And why is that? Because the abuser, the controller senses that tension. So they're gonna cause the drama and they're going to make the victim pay for having any emotion or any reaction to whatever has caused the tension, right? So the incident can be verbal, it can be emotional, and it can be physical.

Speaker 1: (04:07)
I want to remind you, physical abuse is not the only type of abuse that is there. I still have clients that come to me and say, well, I, well they didn't hit me. And that doesn't mean it's not abuse. It is very much still abuse. Okay? So verbal, emotional and physical abuse is the actual incident. That is the next stage. Then comes the reconciliation. This is what really got me when I was younger. They reconciliation flowers, poetry, donuts, I got donut. I love donuts. You know, they got me back with the donuts. This is where the abuser apologizes sometimes, sometimes they won't. If they're desperate, they will. But sometimes they will have apologies with a butt on the end, which is a sign of an insincere apology. But sometimes they can fake it really well, right? Apologizes gives excuses, blames the victim, right? They may say, I'm sorry, but when you did this, I just said da, da, da, right?

Speaker 1: (05:05)
It's that flipping it around. Denies the abuse occurred. This can happen too. I don't know what you're talking about. I think you're just really sensitive or, uh, that is not what happened. You're remembering inaccurately. They literally, and we've talked about this, but gaslight, you make you feel crazy. There is a plethora of things, of tactics, strategies they will use to try to win you back, reconcile and they'll try different things and see what works best for you. They learn what works and then they will use it over and over. Okay? Then we go back, right? It's a cycle. This is the cycle of abuse. It does not end there. It's not flowers and a beautiful day. And the rest of our lives are magical. Not with an abuser. With an abuser. It could be a day later, it could be a month later. The calm comes and then what happens?

Speaker 1: (05:54)
We go back to the tension building. As you get more and more comfortable through the years, if you are with someone for multiple years, you get more comfortable with them, you may start to speak up more. You may get really sick of this abuse, you may still be afraid of them, of course. But you start saying, you know, I don't like when you do that or whatever. You start speaking up more and that can build more tension. So then the tension building is even more, the incident can then become more severe, and then the reconciliation may have to be a little bigger on their end too, right? It might be a grander gesture. So the cycle continues, continues, continues, and a lot of us have held on to the hope that it will end in the calm. I am here to tell you, this cycle never ends at the calm.

Speaker 1: (06:44)
Okay? I want you to hear that again. This cycle doesn't end at the calm. This is a cycle that continues and continues and continues. And the only way out of this circle, picture it as a circle, it's a cycle, right? The only way out is to break it. That's the only way out of this. So I highly encourage you to think about this cycle, evaluate if your relationship is representative of this cycle of abuse, and let's continue on to really thinking about how you can avoid getting in these situations in the future. If you are out of a toxic relationship, how do you end up not back in one? Whether that's a romantic partner, a friend, even just surrounding yourself with a new quote family, right? Like we can create families of our own that aren't blood related. How do you fill your life with healthy people?

Speaker 1: (07:39)
We're gonna go through a little list of five of them. One way is to look for the unhealthy perfectionists. They might come off as perfectionist, but it's really control and they expect you to fulfill their needs, maybe all of their needs. So they will isolate you and say, oh, I need you. And it makes you feel good. But then they're also really just controlling you. That leads to codependence, which is what? What got you in a toxic situation in the first place. It can also look like someone who's easily angered or frustrated. They may call it perfection. Oh, I'm just a perfectionist. But if every little thing is frustrating them, that is also a red flag. Number two, Hmm, mood swings. Do they flip out at you? You're like in Whole Foods and they flip out cuz you forgot to grab their organic ketchup, . Or are they one minute loving all over you and then the next you have a different opinion than them and they're really up in their feelings and angry about it.

Speaker 1: (08:35)
Are they like Mr. Charisma around everyone else, but you get the dark set of the moon? Mm-hmm . That is not fun. We don't like that rational people. They get up at days, right? We all got moods, I got PMs, mood once a month. Steer clear. Okay? But when there is a clear pattern of anger control or general like extreme up and downs, it is time to flee. Okay? Number three, watch out for those who do not take responsibility, this is a huge one, and not just when they're desperate to get you back. When they have the flowers in their hand, okay, I'm talking every day nitty gritty, something a little conflict comes up or whatever. Even paying attention to how they talk about other people, how they deal with other people. If they're talking about a conflict note, do they ever take responsibility in that conflict?

Speaker 1: (09:27)
Or are they always blaming everyone else for everything? Another sign to stay away. Number four, ugh. I know this is such a trigger for a lot of my clients. Making sure you feel seen and heard. This is huge. Pay very close attention how this person makes you feel inside, right? You gotta get in touch with your body, girl. Are they listening? Are they truly hearing? Not just listening, not just pretending and looking at you and like uhhuh, , uhhuh, . Are they truly hearing and actually responding in a way that makes you feel like they hear you and you feel seen? Most importantly, are their actions actually showing that they see and hear you and they care about you and your opinions? If not, we're queens here. You are worth more than that. It's time to find someone who lets you be you and loves you for it, right?

Speaker 1: (10:18)
Your opinions and all they value you. Don't stick around someone who does not value you for the love of Jesus. Okay? Number five, look for signs of jealousy. Sometimes we can confuse jealousy with love and care. Did I kind of think it was cute on my ex-boyfriend years ago? Got a little jealous when we were out at the bar and some guy came up to me and he got real mad and crazy for a second. I kind of did. I'm not gonna lie, it was not cute. He was controlling, right? He was controlling and then it went further than that for me too, right? They start, they look at your phone, they might break into your email. Um, you're wearing a cute outfit, they're asking where you're going, who are you going with? And you can see in their body they are stressed out and they feel outta control.

Speaker 1: (11:08)
That's why they're acting like that. It's not because, oh, I love you so much. That is not showing love. That's showing control. That's showing suspicion. And often on a side note, a lot of people who actually we should be suspicious of, there are a lot of abusers that are cheaters as well, are often suspicious because of their own actions. That's a whole nother episode. But do you feel like you're walking on eggshells afraid your words or actions may get them jealous when there is nothing to be jealous about? Do they tell you what to wear? Do they in general do this control thing to try to keep you isolated? Another sign of jealousy can show up that way, right? They wanna keep you away from your friends, your single friends. They don't want you going out, your single friends. They might even keep you from your family.

Speaker 1: (11:57)
That's a whole other episode too. We got a lot of content we're gonna cover in here. But isolation's, another thing we'll add on to the jealousy side of things, but if you feel like they are constantly, if they are frequently, if there's a pattern of jealousy, I'm everyone, maybe everyone can have their one day they got a little jealous, okay? But you know what I'm saying. If there's a pattern of jealousy, squash it. Squash it by running. Now in general, the question is, do you feel free at the end of the day in a healthy relationship, you feel free. I mean, let's be honest, okay? Do I feel as free as I did when I was 23 with no husband or kid? Not exactly. I was like a bird flying way too high and way too far . But you know what I'm saying. You can feel free in a relationship where you feel free to be yourself.

Speaker 1: (12:42)
You feel free to have your own opinions to speak up. You feel free. And when you are with someone abusive, you don't feel that way. You feel trapped. You feel like a caged bird. You're like, I, I was a bird. I think I'm a bird, but I'm not flying like a bird. That is definitely a sign. It is time to get out before it gets worse. It will get worse. And we will do another episode about that. Giving you all the peeps, all the peeps shows, all right, we are gonna talk about that in a very important episode. It gets worse, okay? So I love these signs because it shows you what you can do to avoid getting sucked back into a toxic relationship again. Again, it can be romantic, it can be platonic, it can be a work situation. Whatever it is, you get to choose to be in healthy relationships.

Speaker 1: (13:34)
And hopefully those little signs of what to look out for helped you. Now, don't forget if you are a victim of any kind of abuse, emotional or physical call, 807 9 9 7 2 3 3 4 support. And obviously I will catch you in the next episode. Smooches and deuces. Girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love and I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at bitly.com/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving because you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.

15 min
March 19, 2024 How Narcissists Try to Win You Back : REAIR
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Hey Queens!
Are you technically 'out' of a toxic situation / relationship but not able to fully disconnect or keep getting dragged back in? In today's episode, we will talk about 5 Things Toxic People Do to Win You Back and How to Stay Strong.
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---------------------------------------
TRANSCRIPTION
Hello queens, are you technically out of a relationship with a toxic person that could be a spouse? It could be a romantic partner in general friendship. Maybe it's a family member, are you out of that relationship, but not feeling totally disconnected? Maybe they won't let you. Here are five ways abusers keep connected, and how to mitigate them, drawing you back in. All right. So you were an object to them, something that they initially desired. So now they believe you belong to them. Okay. It's you probably know a lot of abusers are possessive over their victims. And they don't want anyone else to have you. They don't want you to move on. So even if you're technically away, they'll still try to have you connected to them in some way, they need that for their own power. Right? It's not about you. I know. No one wants to hear that. But I'm not here to fluff it up, as you know, right. It's not about how special you are. It's about them having control, then validating themselves, then getting admiration and love or any type of googoo and gaga over them and reassurance it's all about them. So don't forget that as we head into going over all of the lovely ways they tried to keep you and what you can do to mitigate that hey friends welcome to the but still she thrives podcast I'm Christie date adoring wife, adoptive mama empowerment coach and Queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you're sick of feeling not good enough questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no. And the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You want to feel confident take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that Venti Mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I want to help you that is what I am here for it is my specialty. And I am giving $20 off your first call for limited time. It's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there. And you can sign up over at bit.ly/first coachingcall. I would love to help you.
Okay, so let's dive in number one hoovering. It is just what it sounds like it is vacuuming, you back up in these ways. So first love bombing, okay, so that's one of their go to things. It's, you know, it works on a lot of victims who are empathetic, who are loving and nurturing. Because when they feel love, they give love, right? If you're one of those people, you know, and they can suck you in, by showering you with love with presence with all the good feelings and suck you back in. Part of hoovering can also be this is a tougher one. But feigning crisis, basically, faking a crisis may be really causing a crisis. And that can go as deep and as dark as suicide attempts, or faking suicide attempts can be a tactic. Another is smear campaigns, smear campaigns is when you have gotten away from them. And they have no control over you anymore, you've really released. And so they are going to try to smear your name to other people, they will lie about you, they will expose things about you you didn't want exposed. And this is all in order to suck up all of your time, energy and attention. So the trick, which is a hard thing, and for me in the beginning was very hard for me, because I'm a good person. And let's say with the smear campaign, which actually happened that turned into me being like, like, oh goodness, I have to defend my name right? Like I have to defend my name this stuff isn't true. And that does take up time and energy. So I've gotten to a point in general where you have to let it go and trust that the people that love you and know you will not believe the smear campaign. So that's just in reference to that and the other things, obviously are a little harder with things such as the faking crisis and love bombing, but we'll get to mitigating at the end of this episode. Number two telling you you are soulmates meant to be together. They just make you feel so special and that's so sweet. No, it's bullshit is what it is okay. They will make broken promises, which you've probably already experienced, but somehow they brainwash you into forgetting those broken promises, and you somehow still have hope that they will keep their promises. They've come around, they'll change, right? But they will make you feel needed. And here's the kicker, guys, when you are someone like us who has probably become codependent on an abuser, you want to feel needed by them. And yes, that's not healthy, kind of twisted. But let's all be very, very transparent here. We're very transparent here on this podcast. Okay? So we want to feel needed to a lot of people want to feel needed, you know, to a point, we might have a little unhealthier version of that where with this specific person, especially, we want to feel needed, and we want to feel special, and they know how to turn it over. And yeah, they'll abuse you make you feel like crap, but they're gonna switch that over and make you feel real good and real special as well. Right. So that's part of the codependency, which we will tap into in another episode. So you're attracted to feeling important and needed. And in a healthy relationship. Let's make this very crystal clear. Okay, I'm in one now. So I know the difference. Okay. You will feel true love and nice treatment during the relationship consistently. Okay? Not when the narcissist or abuser needs their fill, not when they need the attention, not when they're just desperate to get you back under their control. Okay, a healthy relationship does not look like that a healthy relationship, whether it is a friendship, whether it is like I'm talking about with me and my husband, it feels loving, it feels uplifting, you might have your shit, nobody's perfect. But you are consistently reassured and feel good about your relationship and feel loved. And don't have to walk on eggshells. If you have not listened to episode two, you can refer back to that to see the different signs of a toxic person. If you haven't checked that out, go check it out after this one. Number three, they will tell you you can't do this on your own. You need me they kind of go back to that knowledge of knowing you want to feel needed and loved right. And they will get into that vulnerable spot and dance around in it. Oh, let me be here for you. Right, they're going to kind of twist it into this, maybe let me be helpful. You can lean on me, they may say, Oh, I'm just gonna be here for you as a friend I understand. Right. So they can drag you back in by playing with your heartstrings in that way, knowing that you are in a very vulnerable place. They know exactly what to say and do okay, these people, I don't know if I want to call them as smart. But they're calculated right? So they know exactly how to get you in, they know those soft spots you have they've already brainwashed you while you were in the relationship. And they are trying to regain that control again. Again, it's not about them truly wanting to be with you. It is always about their need for control. Can we take a minute right there because when you realize that it's tough, it's hard. No one wants to think that. But it does eventually make it easier to get out of their grip knowing that number four, they will blame you and try convincing you that you cause them caused them to act a certain way. Okay, I'm sure you're familiar with this, if you have been through abuse, I would say 99.9% have been blamed. Okay, we're gonna throw it in 100% and if you could just be less sensitive, right? Does this sound familiar? If you could just be more understanding or patient? If you just weren't so crazy, your relationship would be fine. You guys would be fine. This is you. Right? So they are going to point their finger at you and say look, if you can get your shit together I'll take you back we can make this work I want it to work I know we're meant to be can go back to that right by the way, a lot of these reasons are stacked together in their in their plan to get you back right. So this is a big part of it. The blaming, you know the they blame you during the relationship but they will still blame you after and spin it in a way to try to steal convince you that you're at fault. So if you can just fix you and work on you, they'll even take you back and that's sweet of them. So sweet. So sweet. Okay, number five. They will check if they can gain control by sending what we call breadcrumbs that they can customize to your liking. Okay, so you're probably familiar with this if you're on the other side. Then throwing some little breadcrumbs at you. These include funny inside joke, little memes GIFs. If you're are a funny person, they're gonna throw in the funny stuff you love donuts, maybe you'll see a nice fresh box of Krispy Kremes on your doorstep with a little heart on it. So sweet. Not so sweet and the donuts are sweet. I'll say that. But the intentions behind the donuts are not sweet again, they are selfish and controlling. Do you guys have a little love song? Don't be surprised if that shows up in your text message, a little link to your song with maybe a little sad face or a little heart, they are going to get in to your vulnerable spots your emotions because odds are your sweet person, you're an empath. You have a big heart and they know that. So now these things are appearing on your text tugging at your little empathetic heartstrings and it's all a not good motivation that is leading that it is not because they value you. It's because they are trying to control you. Okay, so what do we do with all this? There's no, actually I think there is one one answer. However, it's not always that cut and dry. As you know, when you're dealing with abusers, especially anyone who's violent, it goes deep. So please send in any questions. Again, fierce mama [email protected] If you have specific questions, because this is always going to be an over arching general, you know, tips and answers on how to deal with the abusive situations. But sometimes we can get into more specifics if you write to me yourself with a question. So there are ways to mitigate these things. I will always scream from the mountaintops, the number one way to avoid getting sucked in is to completely cut them off, you're out of the situation, cut them off. I know. Again, I will go back to if you are somebody who has children together your co parenting, not as easy okay? This though is the long run easiest way listen to episode two again for more information on that. So another very successful mitigation against all of these is what we call the gray rock method. I will go into this method in detail. I think I'll probably have its own little cute episode tied up with a little red bow because it's one of my favorite things that I learned through my own journey. What is it? What's a gray rock method? It is exactly what it sounds for. I love it Hoover and Greg rock, it's not rocket science.
You sit there like a damn rock, you don't respond you do not take the bait. You don't soak it in, that's probably the hardest part to not let it in. But most importantly first step is ignoring don't let them get to you Don't take the bait This is a harder long term because they do not give up quickly. These are some very stubborn mofos out here and they can beat you down you can get beaten down manipulated mine screwed. And next thing you know you're just meeting them as friends for coffee. No, don't meet them for coffee. If you can't completely cut them off ignore whatever you can if you are in a legal situation co parenting you make it a written statement they are only to contact you regarding the children you know have a history you can get restraining orders with specifics I believe I will have experts on here to discuss this stuff further. But there needs to be boundaries in place. Okay. Again, my suggestion is run do not walk to the nearest emotional exit and regain your peace if you do not have that option. I mean legally or whatever if there is truly no other option than cutting off because that's my number one then the gray rock method is what you do you ignore anything that let's say again isn't relative to you know, swapping the kids on the weekend or whatever you have to do. If this is just somebody you're having a hard time disconnecting to really sit with this episode, maybe listen to it a couple of times and write out what is hard and what you can do during that time. Let's say you're having trouble because they are smear campaigning you how can you get support, right? Tell someone close to ignore their smear block them. If they have people on let's say your social media, and they're contacting you I know this stuff actually happens I have clients who are bombarded by family members who have been lied to block them you've got to not let all the crazy in you have to put a block on it and protect yourself you know your truth the people who are important in your life who love you and know you are going to believe you and I get that can be hard. But I will say from my own experience all the people even people who were lied to even just convinced that I was the one in the wrong I was breaking up the family which makes zero sense. Even those people came around essentially. So have faith and trust. That's another thing Being I know God person if you're a god person, pray and have faith and ask God for guidance. If not, if you're like you how the moon at night cool I love a good wolf Full Moon there was just one the other night. Beautiful you can you can talk to your moon, your Moon Shadow all your spirit guides and say I need some help. Or you can just talk to human, your bestie a therapist, a life coach like myself, find support. This is a very, very hard road but you're on it. If you're listening to this podcast, you're doing something about it. And that's the first step and I'm very proud of you. And don't forget that you deserve love. You deserve a happy life and not just skating by not just getting by not surviving but you deserve to thrive. I will leave you with that. I love you. I see you and don't forget your Smooches and deuces girl, if you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling competent, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do. This is my specialty. It's what I love and I can help you more quickly than you think. If you want to grab a call with me I am offering $20 off of the first call. And there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested. And you can find me over at bit.ly/first coachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving to thriving because you deserve to be the queen you have always been let's chat.

17 min
March 12, 2024 The Grey Rock Method : How to Deal with a Narcissist if You Cannot go No Contact
Hey Queens!
In a situation with a Narcissist and can't seem to navigate how to handle the situation? If you cannot go no contact with this abusive person, the next best thing is what is called, "The Grey Rock Method" and this episode is dedicated entirely to it. Because it is that good and effective! Make sure to save this episode, as you surely refer back to it.
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
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---------TRANSCRIPT----------
Speaker 1: (00:00)
Hello Queens. So you've tried everything from being sticky, sweet, and kind to yelling back at a toxic person in your life. Nothing seems to work at keeping them away or stopping their horrible behaviors. Well, in today's episode, we're going to talk about my second favorite technique to use against the toxic and narcissistic abusers called the Grey Rock Method. My first favorite is No Contact . We talked about that in episode four. If you wanna refer back to that one, if you haven't already, and for this episode, trust me, you're going to want to save it and go back to it again and again.

Speaker 1: (00:41)
Hey friends, welcome to the But Still She Thrives podcast. I'm Christty, Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say now, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I gotcha. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at Bit.ly/firstcoachingcalll. I would love to help you.

Speaker 1: (01:50)
So I can say from experience, this is the second most successful tool I used against a narcissist in my life. I will not say it was easy, especially at first, but whoa, the results were amazing and continue to be amazing. So, you know, my favorite tool is called Run the F Away Fast. But if you cannot go no contact, if you have shared custody, maybe it's your boss and you need the job desperately, uh, maybe you have adult children that you can't let go of elderly parents, this one is for you. So what is the Gray Rock method? It is exactly that. A gray rock is boring, right? It blends in with everything. It's just kind of there. Nothing can be as boring as a gray rock. The result is being ignored. So you are engaging in no or very minimal response to the toxic person.

Speaker 1: (02:45)
Not explaining yourself, not defending yourself, not arguing, just, just not, not taking the bait. And you become boring to them. Eventually, I say eventually and no longer a source of narcissistic supply, right? They always need that supply. And over time when you do this, they are not getting what they literally need from you. They want to argue, they want to have conflict with you. So in a normal relationship, it is normal for you to engage. Let's say you're in conflict, it's normal to engage question to pry even to defend your point of view. All of that is very normal when you're having discussions, maybe arguments and anything like that in normal relationship. But when you do that with a narcissist, you will feel the wrath. Do you know the wrath? I think we're all familiar with the wrath of a narcissist. So all of the things we talked about in the past episodes will come up.

Speaker 1: (03:42)
The gas lighting, you know, all the, the hoovering, all of those things will come up after you have had conflict with them and they feel out of control. Okay? So this gray rock doesn't come from defeat though, but power, and that's what I love about it. It doesn't come from this just, gosh, I'm so just, ugh, I just can't do this anymore. I'm wrecked, I'm tired, which you probably will be, but take your power back and decide I am going to be a grey rock and get that power back. It's intentional. You're not going to play their game anymore. You are choosing to not play. So to avoid being treated poorly over and over and over, you are choosing peace for yourself. When you become uninterested in playing the game, therefore you become uninteresting to them and won't give them the supply they seek, that's when it gets good.

Speaker 1: (04:41)
It can take time to get there. At first, they typically will get angry. That will be the response. They feel like they're being ignored or they're not getting what they often seek, right? They're not getting that emotional response from you. They're not getting these long drawn out fights that they crave. You are basically cutting the oxygen off to a fire. So they may threaten you, they may bait you more, come at you harder, et cetera. Keep gray rocking. And that's the hardest part is the beginning. Because they will come harder, they will come louder. But the key here is eventually they will give up and find a new source or try to find a new source. And this can take time but is obviously very worth it. So be strong. This part is very important to hold on to those boundaries. Acting like the gray rock and just really, really being very strong and grounded in this.

Speaker 1: (05:40)
Okay? When you first gray rock, they will feel you have moved on and they'll feel out of control because keep in mind they're always seeking control of you or they are trying to check if they still have control. Always those two things, okay? So when they feel like they do not have control or, or they are losing control of their victim, they get very, very insecure and you have to not care about their reactions. They're gonna have loud reactions. Uh, they will do the gaslighting. They will say things like, oh, you're too good for me now. All of those things, okay? They will dismiss you, be condescending, they'll try whatever they need to. They're desperate. You have to be strong again, you may start to even feel guilt that they are actually finally uncomfortable and they seem outta control. And they may cry, they may put on the tears, they might be kind of out of their minds.

Speaker 1: (06:30)
And you might as an empath, as uh, someone with a big heart who they usually prey on. I'm assuming you may have a couple of those traits. You may feel guilty or bad. This is where it's hard. This is where you have to be very, very strong. So do not appease them. Keep on the track to avoid the drama and keep your peace. Protect your peace, protect your peace. When you stick to it, you will see them start to lose interest. Slowly. It takes some time and they will back away. Even though this is good, if you've been with them especially for years, or they're part of your family, parts of you will feel uncomfortable and possibly seek that need for you to be interesting to them, right? Cuz you've always craved their approval or whatever. Even if it's a toxic relationship, there's often a codependency or this desire to impress them or for them to need you to feel special.

Speaker 1: (07:27)
Okay? So this can shake that up and be confusing. You want validation, but find validation and love from the healthier people in your lives or open up space for new people that will treat you well. I promise they will come. You do not need this abusive person's validation. I repeat, you do not need this abusive person's validation. Once you find this strength and hold on tight, they will discard you. They will be able to separate from you for a while. That leads us too . Our next thing, will they come back around? Usually at some point, yes. But I have hope for you. It isn't usually as hard for you to be as strong cuz you know you've done it and you ha you're kind of prepared this time also, they will more quickly leave you if you stick to gray rocking. It tends to be a shock to their system the first time.

Speaker 1: (08:23)
The second time they know you may be capable, right? So don't let them back in. They'll more and more know that it is not possible to break through you. They will leave more quickly, they'll leave you alone more quickly. So gray work, gray work, work, work. That's not what I was trying to say. grey rock works well in really a lot of situations in relationships. You had to end and leave. They can work very well. Even if you're co-parenting. They can work very well in family situations because you can still be around them at the weddings, the parties, but not have to get sucked in. And again, I spoke to this in past episodes. You may have other family members who enable the abuser and perhaps blame you for the break of the relationship. You know, they may excuse abuse or experience themselves, so are more tolerant.

Speaker 1: (09:19)
Whatever the case, they may kind of put the blame on you. So they may be upset with you. Grey rocking that is okay, let them let them over time. They will have to get used to it. They will have to accept it, right? You are taking your power back and that's okay. It's actually more than okay. It's a beautiful dang thing queen. So own it and if they have feelings about it, that's their. If you don't know, I have a journal, it's on Amazon, I will link it in the show notes. It is called hashtag not my journal. And it is, it is glorious and it's great for this stuff that we often take on as our own stuff or we worry about. That's just not ours to worry about or carry. So if you're interested in that, I'll put that in the show notes.

Speaker 1: (10:02)
In a professional setting, this can work. Well. Grey Rock method works very well in a professional setting. As long as you are doing your job and being pleasant enough, right? There won't be much ammo to go against you from a narcissist that is your boss, a coworker, whatever. But do not forget to document everything. And that's kind of a pain. So I hope you're looking for another job if this is the case. But in the meantime, document what you are working on. Save everything, uh, maybe multiple times. I don't know if people have access to your computers, but make sure you track everything. Track your hours, how many hours you're working. So there's no dispute with that. Any conflict situations that arise with this person. Document the date, document what happened, keep those off of your office computer and keep that on your personal stuff.

Speaker 1: (10:53)
Do not write any of that in your office where they have access. Even if you don't know it, they, if it's their property, their computer, they can have access to it. They can see anything you write. So do not keep any information that you are tracking to go against them if anything happens on your work computer or any other device related to work. Okay? So hold on to all those documents at home just in case this person comes for you in some way. Goes to HR, says you're not pulling your weight around the office. Whatever it is, be prepared. And like I said, please try to find a new job. If you are in a toxic environment at work, the hardest part of Gray Rock Method is controlling yourself. . It can take time. Give yourself grace. This was really, it was tough for me, the gray rock method.

Speaker 1: (11:46)
First of all, I'm emotional, I'm an emotional being and if you are gonna sass me, I'm gonna sass you back twice. I will protect myself. I will stand up for myself, especially as I've gotten more healed. Um, so it's hard for me to almost, in the beginning I felt like, I feel like I'm just being walked on. Like here, this person is saying nasty things to me and I'm not biting back. That is actually strength. Showing that control is actually strength. Think about it as if they are coming at you with nastiness. Don't stoop to their level. You're not like that. That's not your nature. That is not who you are or who you wanna be. Be the gray rock because the goal here is to protect your peace and your safety. That's more important than anything. Okay? You can stand up for yourself in other ways than taking the bait and getting sucked into the drama.

Speaker 1: (12:39)
So basically we're gonna turn our emotions into a flat line around this person. Not even be overly happy, not pretend, oh, my life is great. Sometimes we try to overcompensate. No, none of that. Even a gray rock is not happy, it's not sad, it's not defensive, it is just a gray rock. And that is what you have to be. And eventually I'm at a point, this comes naturally. If I go head to head with a toxic person, I am a gray rock. I, I recognize it. I'm like, Ooh, alert, okay. Hmm, I don't wanna engage in this. And it's kind of like an automatic shutoff and I love it. So trust me, it's worth it. It takes time to get there. But give yourself grace and be patient with yourself. And if you slip, that's okay. We're human and we're, we're on this journey. I'm here with you.

Speaker 1: (13:27)
Reach out if you need any help with any of this, I'm at a point. I got my power back from using this method. I finally got my power back and I want you to do the same. So I want you to just take a minute, take a breath. Remember who you are, who the hell you are. You are an amazing queen. Am I right? Can I get a whatlet? And you deserve happiness. You deserve to not have to walk on eggshells. You deserve to live a joyful life with healthy people surrounding you. And I love you. I see you. And don't forget your smooches and deuces girl. If you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty, it's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at Bit/ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you are.
15 min
February 27, 2024 5 Signs of Toxic People and How to Get Rid of Them - RE AIRING
This week we are circling back to the TOP listened to episode of But Still She Thrives. Sometimes it is good to have a reminder of what toxic people are like and how to keep away and maintain that peace!
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17 min

About NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

From the publisher's feed

Healing Tools for Women

Are you feeling lost after breaking free from a toxic relationship? Are you afraid you will get sucked back in, whether it is with the same narcissist or a new one? Are you ready to finally live in peace?

In this podcast, you will find healing methods and coping solutions to set you free from narcissistic abuse and its effects. My mission is to equip you to become strong and free through confidence building, proven healing methods and finding peace. If you’re ready to say yes to thriving after abuse and stop chasing everything that hasn’t worked for a plan that will- you’re in the right place!

Hey, I’m Christy. A mom, wife and a ruthless narcissist avoider! For years of my life, I went to therapists that didn’t understand narcissism, read generic abuse recovery books and tried things that didn’t help me truly disconnect and break the cycle of narcissistic abuse. I wasted money on tools that didn’t give me lasting results. I finally realized that if I was going to truly disconnect and heal, I had to understand narcissists’ minds and the effects on their victims. After years of education and endless conversations with victims of narcissistic abuse, I created a perfect plan to not just disconnect fully from the current narcissists in my life, but to avoid getting sucked in by future ones, while creating healthy boundaries and healing from the effects of abuse. A life of thriving, not just surviving. And I am ready to share it all with you!

If you are a woman ready to finally find a clear cut plan to stop the cycle and heal from narcissistic abuse -effective solutions that have results that are undeniable: like a peaceful night’s sleep, decreased overwhelm, and unshakable confidence, then this podcast is for you!
Grab that mocha latte, it’s time to dive in.

Wanna work together 1:1, queen? Grab your first power call for mindset and somatic healing now:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/

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