NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

By Christy Jade - Narcissistic Abuse Coach, Grey Rock Coach , Gaslighting Expert, No Contact MentorHealth & Fitness Mental Health Education Self-Improvement How To

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NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship episodes

April 14, 2023 Ep 20 Filling Your Friendship Cup After Narcissistic Abuse
*Top 3% in podcasts globally
This episode is for ANYONE, narcissistic abuse or not, who wants to find or nurture friendships as an adult.
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
[email protected]
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)
Happy Friday. Might not be Friday for you. Maybe you're listening to this on another day. Have a happy other day of the week. But today we're gonna talk about little tips and tricks to make and make a friend. Just one, no, make friends as an adult. Um, we talked about this earlier in the week, um, more about why it's hard, especially for people who've been through abuse. So I'm not doing my regular intro and outro today. I'm just hamming it on up myself. I feel like dodos do too. That's a lot of dues due to allergies, my throat scaling me. But I promised you guys an episode, so I'm going to give it to you. We also went to the aquarium yesterday in Baltimore, Maryland. Highly recommend it is so, so fun. But I've been running, just running. It's our spring break this week, and I've just been running and kind of run down and I was like, I still have to do my episode.

Speaker 1: (00:55)
Ah, so let's dive in. Look, we're gonna do like a fake new intro. It'll be like, but still she thrives, but still she thrives. My throat is not thriving, but still she thrives. All right, so let's dig, dive on in. Also, if you don't know who I am, by the way, I'm Christy, you probably got that part so far. But I am a narcissistic recovery abuse coach and I work with people, usually do weekly calls. I'm working on creating a course. But if you're interested in working with me, just go to my website, which is www.christyjade.com/workwithme and find the ways to work with me. Or you can always message me or email me at [email protected]. So early in the week, we talked about friendships and how they can be hard, especially if you have been through abuse.

Speaker 1: (01:52)
There's walls up, there's fears, there's insecurities. And even if you haven't, those things can happen. Or if you've been hurt by a friend trying to regain that trust or put your wall down, which my thing, I've had a little wall, I've pulled it down recently, so that's why I was talking about this all with you. So today I wanted to discuss things that have helped me kind of first put my wall down and also, you know, try to find new friendships and nurture my old. So I guess first things first, first things first. I'm the realist. Anyone name that tune. Um, first thing is, uh, kind of realizing that I had a wall and I guess I did realize, but then I was like, I am an extrovert. And in general, we all, no matter introvert or extrovert, we do need people. We need community, whether we wanna admit it or not.

Speaker 1: (02:49)
And I was feeling kind of a void there. So recently I was like, you know what I need? I need to bash this wall down. It's getting old, it's getting crusty. We don't want it there anymore. So it's first like realizing you do have a wall or maybe you're a little jaded or whatever it is, and saying like, I am making a decision to take this down. And that is gonna also mean that I am going to have to change my ways, right? Sometimes we want change without actually like having to do the work. , imagine that. Um, and that's why I say like with my coaching clients, I'm like to make changes, you actually have to make changes like in how you go about your every day, right? You're like daily to-dos and your efforts are going to change. So if you really wanna make a change, you gotta make some changes.

Speaker 1: (03:39)
Sounds simple, but a lot of people really want that magic pill and it doesn't exist. Or it might be illegal. I don't know. So I made this decision that I was going to put more effort in with a people I already knew, but I was like, you know, they're kind of on the outskirts of my life, not my daily life, but I really enjoy them. And they may not be exactly like, it's almost like we have this idea for me of like this best friend that encompasses all the different things. Like they're funny, they're very thoughtful, they're this, it's like this whole list of things. And I realize part of the thing is like, not everybody has all that, especially when we're trying to balance our lives. Some people might be a little flaker than others, right? Some people may be really super thoughtful and sweet, but not like the girl that's dancing on the bars, having the best time of her life on a Tuesday.

Speaker 1: (04:39)
That'd be me, by the way. Just kidding. Um, but you know, there's different traits and it's like one person doesn't have to have all those traits. So I was like, you know, I, what traits do I like? And they don't all have to be in like one specific bestie. And I already have a bestie. I don't see her every day. I do talk to her every day. But these people, it was like building the community of people that are closer geographically. I'm like, I really want more people to hang out with in within, you know, five or 10 minutes. So we can say, Hey, wanna go grab, uh, I was gonna say grab a nail, wanna grab a nail, wanna go to the salon, get our nails done, grab a coffee. Um, and for me, just getting out even for an hour really, really refreshes me and fills that friendship, you know, hole, that's not weird.

Speaker 1: (05:33)
And maybe we'll title this friendship hole. So I started reaching out to people that maybe I talked about hanging out, like, oh yeah, we need to hang out. I actually started putting more effort into those. Like, I like those people. I had an intention of hanging out, but somehow we both are like, oh yeah, we'll hang out and then we don't. So there were a few, I was like, you know, I actually really enjoy time with them and I would like to see them more. So instead of just being like, yo, let's do that. I am going to, the next time I talk to them, say, Hey, Thursday, seven o'clock, what are you doing? Right? That actually has worked. I mean, not every single time, cause people again are busy and have lives. Um, but getting specific instead of just saying, yeah, we should make the time.

Speaker 1: (06:21)
Even if, let's say you're at, let's say like my daughter's dance and there's a mom and we talk every time, right? And it's like, oh yeah, we should get together, da da da. First of all, there's times I wanna get together without my kids. A lot of times I'll be, oh yeah, let's do a play date. And either we do or we don't, whatever. But it's also like getting these friendships, getting to know people. I found you can do a lot better without the kids around. I like doing both. It's fun to like have, you know, whole family hoop loves. I don't know what that is. That's an, it's another episode. Um, but having those just like mom nights together. So I started even being more specific about that. Like, Hey, do you wanna go grab coffee? Just me and you. Oh yeah, that'd be great.

Speaker 1: (07:06)
And I'm like, all right, when are you free next week? Or I'm free Tuesday and Thursday. What's a good time? You know, like, because we can get distracted. And I have found when I felt like these people maybe didn't want to because we talk vaguely about doing it and then they wouldn't follow up, guess what? Sometimes I wouldn't follow up either. Side note. Um, not because I didn't like them, right? I found by doing this, I was like, oh, people actually do. And when you make it specific and you're like, Hey, this time and they are showing up, it didn't discourage me because they would follow through, right? Another thing I have done more recently is signing up for classes again, which I was doing before Covid and with Covid, you know, my family's extra cautious, so I wasn't doing a lot of like, extra things that I didn't have to do with a group of people.

Speaker 1: (07:59)
Now I'm like, Hmm, give me your diseases, everybody. Here we go. We're back in. And I started taking more classes. Like when you do things you love, usually end up meeting like-minded people. Like I love art. So I've been taking, there's like a local craft, an artsy store, um, and they offer different classes on all sorts of things. All things arts and crafts and I love those things. So I started doing resin work recently, which is like, it's kinda like liquid plastic that hardens. You've probably seen it in Men Me artwork pieces like little Tray, I've made trays. They have just all sorts of things. Anyway, well we get, we get sidetracked because squirrel. So I started taking those classes and I meet, I've met women through there. Um, also, you know, my friend runs a local mom's group. I've met many women through there, even online.

Speaker 1: (08:59)
And then we've met up in person. Um, and you can post in those groups and just say, Hey, I'm going for a walk at 11. Anybody down to walk around that pretty lake, right? So getting involved in the community, you can do online as well. And when you go through local groups, I know there's a buy nothing group in our area. I've met a couple women through that. Like where, you know, you give each other's trash to each other and you, you like it and it's treasure or whatever. What's that saying? someone else's trash can be your treasure girl. I don't think that's a saying. Um, but, so I've met women through that and I've seen some, I, I haven't met like a bestie on there, but I've seen some women and I think there's men on there too, but I've seen some relationships really flourish through that.

Speaker 1: (09:53)
And it's just like building community in that way as well. Um, also meeting people through the school. Like my daughter had talked about this girl and we knew them through um, girl Scouts. Shout out Jen, I'm gonna talk about, you know. Um, and like, so my daughter's friend, she's cool and they've become closer and I've met her mom and we've, you know, hung out kind of at Girl Scouts, chit chatted whenever, but never actually had hung out outside of school related activities. And I was like, oh, she's cool. And her daughter and my daughter get along, right? So like this week I reached out and was like, Hey, what day? Cuz we were both on spring break together and I was like, Hey, what days do you have available? Do you wanna hang? And she was like, yeah, definitely right? And that's cool. And like that's getting to know people better and hanging out and it, it's just cool.

Speaker 1: (10:53)
Our daughters got to hang out. We got to chat and get to know each other better. So these are things that you can do and it does take effort and you might have to follow up. It might not be the first time, right? I mean, there's been people that I've followed up with and been like, okay, if they don't respond or don't get back to me, forget 'em. That's been my like mo forever when I meet new people. Cuz I'm like, I don't wanna be chasing people. It's, but that's some jaded. That's some like unhealed trauma, , it's just stupid. Um, but it's like we've like, oh, I don't wanna be rejected. Oh they must not like me. But I've found that to be BS as I've done more of this like intentional. Either I'm gonna follow up again, am I gonna ask someone 18 times when they're like, oh yeah, sure, no, but you get my point.

Speaker 1: (11:44)
And I have also noticed when I do that more specific like, Hey, when are you available? Exactly. Or my favorite way because I don't like planning that far ahead these days. I don't know why I used to be the biggest planner ever and Covid did something to my little brain where I don't like to plan that far out anymore. So it might be the week of, but I might shoot out a message to a few people or I might, you know, shoot a message to someone if they're not busy, shoot it to someone else. Just, Hey, I'm gonna, I feel like going out and getting a drink, who's down? And it's been really helpful that way. So A making things more intentional. B doing things that you love like those classes or just, you know, even taking a walk around the local little town center, you might meet someone who's also taking a little walk around the town center and you can be like, girl, your walking shoes are fire, right?

Speaker 1: (12:45)
Next thing you know, you're skipping together arm in arm. Just kidding. Um, but you have to be vulnerable enough to do that. And it took me like a while to get here and that sounds silly. It might sound silly to some people, but if you're following me and you have been through abuse, you probably can relate because we have an extra thing where um, we have insecurities that other people may not have, right? So we might feel like, oh, she's gonna think I'm a weirdo if I compliment her shoes and try to talk to her. She might think like, no, I mean I'd love someone to compliment my, my clouds. What are they called? I just ordered them. Adidas. Adidas cloud form. Is that it? I'm so excited. They're supposed to be lightweight and comfortable. So, um, message me in our group. If you're not in my group, by the way, it's in the show notes.

Speaker 1: (13:37)
I don't know the link offhand, but come join the group and get engaged. Facebook sucks and doesn't show group things in the feed very often. Like if you're a group and you're not paying for advertisement, like I'm not paying for ads. Um, if you're at all a business, they like shove you down in the algorithm. So join my group and engage. The more engaged you are, the more it'll show up and we can actually have discussions in there cuz it's kind of like birds chirp in there, tweet, but I mean, I guess birds chirping is better than total silence. No. Um, so tell me in there if you have cloud forms, okay, message me, DM me on Instagram. What am I on Instagram? I have to literally look at it. I think it's like fierce. Let me check it out. Lemme check it out. FierceChristyJade.

Speaker 1: (14:26)
That's my name on Instagram. If you're not following me there, what are you doing with your life? Come follow me. Um, I post all sorts of crap on there. I post my podcast apps, my personal shoes, um, some random dance videos, some narcissistic jokey kind of videos. So check me out. Check me how beaches, I'm in a weird mood this morning, as you can tell. Okay, so we talked about kind of putting that wall down, just making a decision to do it. Like that's courage, people you're afraid but you do it anyway. Okay? And then just getting those new friendships, how to, you know, get out in the world and find new little buddies and maintaining your old friendship friendships. This is something a lot of, I guess a lot of these people could be people you've kind of drifted from.

Speaker 1: (15:22)
Um, I'm more talking about people that I love to death and if they live close we'd probably hang out every week. But people have moved, like most my friends moved far and wide places, right? So those people, I do have it like I have carved out once a month I carve out a time where I reach out to somebody I haven't talked to in a while. It's just a thing I do to keep up with those friendships because I do value them. And before you know it, sometimes it's like six months have gone by and I haven't spoken to them. And it's always like one of those things where you talk and it's like, feels like no time has passed. So it's not the end of the world. But I don't like it to go so long and you know, I guess I'm, I'd say there's at least a handful of people that do not live near me.

Speaker 1: (16:16)
So I don't see frequently that are on rotation all must be dialed. Like, okay, yeah, it's time. Katie, this one's for you. If you're listening, like my friend Katie, she lives in Georgia. She has two kids, she's a lawyer, she's busy. I'm busy and I'll just be like, okay, I'm gonna either text her like, Hey, can you chat tomorrow at eight? Or sometimes I just call, um, and she's done the same. So that's just an example of carving out and you could put it on your calendar like every first of the month. You know, either text someone or set up to set up a time or just call and at least try to keep that ball going. You know, it's not always perfect. Sometimes we miss each other and it's another month. Um, but it's just something for me that's important because they are people I value and I want them to know I value them.

Speaker 1: (17:12)
And those deeper friendships I've had since like grade school or, well mostly I'd say mostly high school at this point. Mostly high school friends, um, or college friends. You know, there's history there and I do feel a connection and I don't want to, you know, lose touch with them to the point it's like, oh, it's been three years and I haven't spoken to you. Right? So that's just another thing. Maybe those friendships aren't that important to you or you already have a rhythm or you go on a girls trip once a year. That's another fun thing you can do plan trips to see these people again. During Covid I kind of fell off the earth as far as like big traveling. So now we're back to that. Um, so that is on my agenda. I have a lot of friends to visit . I have makeup for lost time, but that's on there.

Speaker 1: (18:05)
And even keeping this for me, I'm also like a d d. So I have lists everywhere. I forget, I'm like where am I? Who am I, what do I have to do? But keeping a list of like friends I wanna visit, you know, some of these would be day trips for me. Like I have a friend in Jersey actually, we were supposed to just hang out yesterday, but her daughter got sick. Um, she was gonna come to the zoo with the, or not the zoo, the aquarium, but her daughter got sick. So, but that's on. I did note in my mind like, okay, she didn't get to come down here so we should go visit in the next couple of months. Maybe we can make it out to Jersey, um, you know, for a quick weekend trip or whatever. So those are other things. Nurturing the relationships you have as well as finding the new ones.

Speaker 1: (18:53)
And just remember this whole thing. I think a lot of it is fears and insecurities. So do that mindset work. If you need help with that, I do that with my clients all of the time. That is a big thing. We do mindset work, kind of retraining the brain, that can be affirmations and other things. You know, having the deeper talks and digging up a little. Not everyone loves to do it, but if you want change again, ya, oh, that would've been good if I could have sang it the right way. You gonna have to make great changes to be a great change. , maybe I'm sleep deprived. My best friend said her favorite. Christy is a sleep deprived Christy, I'll leave you with that. Um, alright, so you guys, that's your homework. Go out there. I want you to think of one person that has maybe been on the outskirts that you don't know that well, but you'd like to get to know better and actually take the time to reach out and set a date without guilt.

Speaker 1: (19:52)
We should talk about that on another episode cuz this is like 20 minutes already. But I've talked to moms too recently that said they just have this guilt of spending the time with friends when they feel like they should with their family because they're, you know, they're at work all day and whatever. I'm telling you, we cannot pour from an empty cup. If you are feeling a lack in the friendship area, it's gonna show up and you're gonna have maybe some underlying resentment, not like crazy, but I don't know if that's, that's kind of a strong word for it. But you really need that refresher through time with your girlfriends to also be a better mom, a better wife, a better whatever. I have found that when I am, like, when my cup is full of friendship, , that sounds so weird. Um, I'm just a better person all around. So there's your motivation. Let's chat. If you want to dive deeper

Speaker 2: (20:47)
With me, you can always grab a call with me at www.christiej.com/work with me and we can have a little call a little chatzky. All right, see you in the next episode.
22 min
April 11, 2023 Ep 19 Finding True Friendship as an Adult
*Top 3% in podcasts globally
This episode is for ANYONE, narcissistic abuse or not, has been hurt or insecure in friendships and is struggling to find true friendship later in life.
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
[email protected]
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)
What's up? Welcome to, but still she thrives. It's Christy. We're gonna have like a kickback. Let's just be real. Let's be transparent and let's talk about something that more than just people who have dealt with narcissistic abuse can relate to today. And that topic is how it can be hard to make or maintain friendships as we get older. And yes, having abuse in your childhood or even in your relationships can have an impact. We'll talk about that and then we'll just talk about how certain situations with friends can really have an impact on future friendships.

Speaker 1: (00:41)
Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now. Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life. And I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or at pre-recorded boundaries course.

Speaker 1: (02:02)
Honestly, this episode, I just wanted to be very forthcoming. I wanted to open up a little, you can get to know me a little better and just how certain things have affected me in my life, in friendships, um, not just relationships or not just related to narcissism. I thought I'd just have a very open conversation about this. And I mean conversation. I want you guys to email me or write in the Facebook group. Um, those things are on how to contact me are always in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast on wherever you're listening it. So let's start off. First of all, for those people who have gone through narcissistic abuse, this can have a huge impact on our relationships and our friendships. Um, that's something we don't always talk about. For me, dealing with narcissism really created some big insecurities in me.

Speaker 1: (02:58)
I had some confidence in some areas, but when it came to relationships or even friendships, I was trying to make up for a loss, right? Like I almost created a family with my friendships. So very dependent on friends, like they were like my family. I felt very close and connected to my friendships that I formed. I was very good at keeping up with them and keeping close to them. That's something I'm really still good at, um, especially in my inner circle of people. That is something people have even noticed and noted about me my whole life. And I think part of that is, yes, I'm an extrovert and whatever that, that plays into it, but I think it's also when you feel like there's a disconnect and you're not treated well by some members of your family that you're around, it's, it feels safer and more comfortable to create your own space, right?

Speaker 1: (03:57)
Like I would not be home as much as maybe the typical person. I would stay out, I would stay over friends' houses a lot to kind of build that safety and security that I did not feel. So as I got older, um, like I said, I'm an extreme extrovert. I have a ton of acquaintances, but I would call them more than that. And I had one friend that was like, I had like 50 people at my party and she's like, there's no way you can like actually be friends, friends with these people. It's like 50 people. And I'm like, mm, yeah, I'm, I'm pretty close with a lot of em, you know, because I created that dynamic. So as I got older and had more responsibilities and got married, had a child, and especially when I did this could come with just age and maturity, but in my situation it also came with, you know, having a narcissistic abuser in my life and cutting that person off and realizing, wait, there are other people in my life and other friends that aren't treating me the best.

Speaker 1: (04:56)
It was just like once, it's kind of like one of those domino effects where once you realize something and you set it free and you see how feel it feels so good, you start to realize, wait, I'm getting that other feeling in this part of my life, right? So it's this domino effect. So that started happening. So there were a couple of friends that some I tried to talk to and it wasn't received well. Some just kind of distance naturally that I felt I had to create that distance to have peace in my life, to feel like I was being treated well by friends and not controlled it. You know, sometimes when you're used to narcissism or a certain way of, it doesn't even have to be narcissist, but a certain type of person in your life, in your childhood, you can later almost be drawn or during childhood be drawn to that.

Speaker 1: (05:49)
And as you get older, be drawn to relationships that are similar, right? Like people that are maybe more on the controlling side or people that it's their way or the highway Highway or whatever they say goes, that definitely can play out. And you might be bob in your head. Yep, yep. Especially if you've been through abuse. So I'm gonna dive in kind of pivot here to talk about a situation that happened when I was engaged. When I got engaged, one of my very, very, very close bestest friends, basically as I say, broke up with me. It, it felt like that. I mean, I was friends with her for ver a very long time. I think it was like two decades, well, no, 15 years maybe. But we were very, very close. And I still to this day am not entirely sure why she cut me off.

Speaker 1: (06:37)
And it really hurt. I got it, got a vague idea, but it, you know, it was something that was really sad that we couldn't talk it out. But then fast forward years later, I had a similar situation where I cut someone off and I was in a place where I felt like I couldn't even, I didn't wanna try anymore. And I think it was just like the reverse of that, you know? She didn't wanna try, she didn't have the energy to say or do whatever she had to say or do. And it was devastating to me. I was very, very like really heartbroken over it. You know, this is one of my best friends and, and it sucked at the end of the day. It sucked. And I know a lot of women who this has happened to in their lives. A lot of my own friends, a lot of clients that have lost friends and either don't know why or they do know why, but it's just really unfortunate and it, it's hard and it can change us.

Speaker 1: (07:30)
So this is the part where whether you have have had abuse in your life or not, which, if you've had abuse a man, that rejection there, that feeling like you found someone you felt safe with and they let you go like that, that is what really was hard for me. I think, you know, yes, it was sad to let her go, but we had kind of grown, uh, I won't say a part, but grown into, we were growing into kind of different people than each other and maybe different interests, different things like that. So on the service, if you looked at it, it wasn't like, and she had been kind of not so nice to me the couple years before we stopped talking. So part of me was like, well, it's not even like, oh my gosh, I can't live without this specific person. I think it really dug at that wound of man I felt safe and that's not real.

Speaker 1: (08:25)
It almost made me feel like I, I thought I could trust and I was safe with this person and I'm not. And after you go through abuse, like that really can re-trigger things. And so I think that's why it was like just really hard to deal with at the time. Anyway, obviously life went on and I grew, but I did notice that when I was meeting new people, I had a wall up. And that can happen where I didn't, I didn't really trust women. I get along, I feel like I get along easier with men. Um, and I don't know if that's just, cuz this situation, it's like girlfriends, this happened with or whatever. I do feel like in general, I'm very goofy and sarcastic and sometimes in my world, at least where I live or people I've met, I do feel like men are almost more easygoing.

Speaker 1: (09:12)
Or maybe, maybe it's a thing where they're not looking to make friends and I'm not looking to have like man friends around. So it's kind of like, it's just, there's no expectation there. So it lifts that potential, you know, friendship or whatever. You know how like you have mommy dates, it's like, oh, I, I hope I like this. You know, kid's, mom, that'd be cool. There's, I don't feel like there's like a big potential for that because I don't know, as a married woman, I'm not gonna be like hanging out with these other men 24 7, go and get our nails done. And shopping at Target, though, that would be fun. I've told my husband, I'm like, God, I wish I could like do it up with all the men. , that sounds awful. That is not what I meant, which just came outta my mouth.

Speaker 1: (09:53)
Um, but he knows what I mean. He's like, well, I mean you can talk to men and Christie, you know, I'm like, I know, but there's just a difference. So anyway, I get sidetracked, but that's me welcome to ADHD world. But back to meeting new friends, having these walls up, not trusting. I've met people though also that just, they're like, I don't wanna put in that effort because it feels like dating all over again. It feels like surface level. And I don't love surface level. I am like one that goes in. Um, but I also love to have fun. I'm, you know, if you follow me, you know, I'm goofy, I'm silly, I'm loud, I'm ridiculous basically. And I like some ridiculous people. So it's kind of like dating again and we have these responsibilities. Maybe you have kids like I do, a lot of my friends have kids and sometimes it's hard to keep up with everything.

Speaker 1: (10:45)
It's overwhelming for me. I would say I do crave those closer connections. And having that tribe of people, I feel like for me, I have a, I have a lot of friends like in different areas of my life, but not like one, you know, tribe that's like together kind of. And I always think that's cool and I've been part of those, but as life ebbs and flows, um, I've gone kind of in and out of some of those situations and as I've opened my eyes to what I want in friendships, I've also been like, well that isn't working for me. But since I've had that discovery, which was how many years ago, probably eight years ago, I do have like a radar with people I meet and it's like, I mean, it's not like I'm, it's a crazy screening test. Not, but it is like, is this person thoughtful?

Speaker 1: (11:38)
I mean, there's a lot of people that are really up their own. Let me just say it. And I, I might get flack for this because I understand some people, I don't know, like even my husband's like, why? I just, he's like, so, feels, feels socially awkward. So he is like, I just kind of answer what people ask. And beyond that he, like, when he's on the surface level part of it, he obviously has deeper friendships, but he doesn't, it's not in him to dive deeper and ask people a lot of questions. Like me, I feel like Oprah Winfrey, like I just, I love, I'm fascinated with people. I love learning about people. I love different people's cultures. And so, you know, I really try to find out about people and I, and I care, like if I, if I, you know, connect with you, I'm like, oh, let's hang out.

Speaker 1: (12:24)
You know, there's a potential for a friendship. I'm, I love my people. So I will say something in my more recent years, like if someone's all about them and then there's a difference between Shire people and people that are extroverted, but all they talk about is themselves. And you can ask 'em 50 questions and then they don't ask one question about you. Like, that is a pet peeve of mine. I don't get it. And I'm like, especially if they are extroverted, but hey, I don't know everyone's life. So there could be another reason, right? They could be, they could be insecure about it, but I'm just, I told you I'm being an open book today. So back to the walls that we hold, especially if we had abuse in our life, but even if we didn't, just, if you've been hurt by a friend, if you just, you know, have your issues cause of X, Y, Z, we can have these walls up or not have the energy or feel like we don't have the time.

Speaker 1: (13:19)
Or maybe you are my socially awkward husband. Sorry honey, sorry . Um, actually he doesn't care about really making new friends. I mean he, he likes people, you know, but it's not like he doesn't have the desire like I do as an extrovert, right? To connect like that is something like I need in daily life to connect with people outside of even probably my inner circle. I mean, I talk to my like real tight girls every day, like text, sometimes we talk on the phone, but I do like connecting outside of that circle. So I just wanted to talk about this cuz I, I think, you know, we don't always talk about this and it's something I want people to not feel alone. Like if you have this, especially if you've gone through abuse, you already listened to my podcast, then you probably have been through some sort of abuse.

Speaker 1: (14:08)
That's why it can feel harder. That's why it can be more emotional when we reach out to someone like, Hey girl, you wanna go get some, you know, go grab a drink. And they're like, oh yeah, definitely. And then you're like, cool, let me know when, and they never get back to you. And then you feel like, oh wow, I guess they don't, they don't like me, right? It's like these insecurities, I mean, I feel that way. I'm like, oh, maybe I'm too much. You know, which could be, hey, I could be too much for some people , but it's not always what we're telling ourselves. It's those negative, crappy thoughts often created by being mistreated, like as children or in, in relationships prior. A lot of it is just BS thoughts that enter our heads and people are just either busy or yeah, they're not really into making new friends in the season of life or they're scatterbrained.

Speaker 1: (15:03)
I had one friend, I actually, I've had two people say this to where I, I reached out and asked them to hang out and they're like, oh, I can't on Thursday, but, you know, keep asking me. Or you know, the other ones, I, I forget the exact wording, but you know, no, but, but keep trying. We gotta hang out. Where I was like at first like, well that's jacked up. Why do I gotta be the one to initiate all the time, you know? But guess what? Because you're the one that wants to connect and it seems like they want to and they have followed, like I have followed up and we have hung out. But some people, they're just not great at doing that. So I guess this is just to say you're not alone if you're feeling this way. It is hard as we get older and keep pushing, keep trying.

Speaker 1: (15:44)
If you wanna connect, try to make it less personal. It's not always about you. It might be girl, maybe you're annoying as. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. But yeah, not everyone is gonna be for any, everybody either. But that's not bad. That's the, that's the way the world is, right? I mean, if we got along with everybody famously and had 90 best friends, that'd be way overwhelming. So, you know, it's good to have discernment when you have had abusive situations. You may be like me where you may be like, maybe I'm a little extra sensitive about looking for signs of like, mm, that person is too into themselves. And it does seem like they always take over and only wanna do what they wanna do. And like I see these red flags. Are they always red flags or am I little overcautious? I don't know.

Speaker 1: (16:31)
But that's where I'm at. And so far I've made some really nice friends and I'm making more friends and I'm bringing in some further friends closer that I think seem like really good people and they're uplifting and they're, they're doing good things in their lives and not gossiping and talking and they actually, there's like substance there that's important to me too. So it's like we wanna kind of have people that we don't wanna force friendships with just anybody. And at the same time, it can be hard to find friends in this stage of life, right? So I'd love just this conversation to keep going. I will bring it up in my Facebook group, email me if you wanna talk privately about it. Cause I think a lot of people deal with this stuff and just, I don't think we discuss it as much as we could and to feel supported.

Speaker 1: (17:19)
That being said, I think that's, I'm, I'm deciding today, I'm gonna do an extra episode this week, A quickie on maybe tips on making friends in later life and after abuse and all of that. Cuz I have been kind of working through this with myself so that I'm lowering my wall and letting more people in, more closely letting myself be vulnerable, which has not been easy for me, um, you know, in the last several years. So even though I've met people, I kind of, I don't let 'em all the way in, you know, I've noticed that. So I'm excited. I'm, and I'm starting to, we can do it together, work on it together. But I have started thinking about ways to do it and I'm going to put that on my next episode. Some little tips if you're in the same situation as I am.

Speaker 1: (18:11)
And if you wanna be my online friend, hit me up. Hit me up girl. Um, it's always fun. I have made so many online friends during the pandemic, oh my gosh, the, especially in 2020, even 2021 I was in online groups and like there is a plethora of amazing people out there and we have like the whole world that we're able to connect to because of the internet, which is just amazing. It's so cool. So yes, that's, I guess that's the tip I'll leave you with. You can also do online, but I'm a big in-person, person that a person, person, person, . I really am into connecting and, and actually, you know, feeling that vibe. Did I just say vibe? Feeling that vibe girl. But you know, connecting in person. But sometimes if you are super shy or awkward, even meeting people online could build your confidence, whatever.

Speaker 1: (19:07)
Um, but let's do tips on meeting new friends. I will throw that out later this week. So make sure you're subscribed to my podcast on, but still she thrives there. You just click a little subscribe button. And I would love you guys if you are liking this podcast, please, if you have not, go scroll down and check off, not check off like, I don't know, hit the five star little guy if you like me that much. If you wanna gimme five stars, if you wanna gimme one, just skip this . Just don't do that. , no. Gimme a five star review and I'd love to hear your actual feedback too. You can write a little comment in there and that really helps my podcast reach more people. So I would so appreciate it. And big air hugs. You deserve good friendships. You are amazing. You're a great friend.

Speaker 1: (19:59)
And f those people who are mean to you, . All right, see you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you.
21 min
April 04, 2023 Ep 18 Special Guest House of Ruth! Help for Domestic Violence Victims Including Narcissistic Abuse Survivors
*Top 3% in podcasts globally
HOUSE OF RUTH HELP/RESOURCES AND DONATION/VOLUNTEER INFORMATION BELOW:
House of Ruth, Domestic Violence Support Center – www.houseofruth.org; 202/667-7001, x515 (free, confidential counseling for trauma and abuse survivors)
• Office of Victim Services, Victim Hotline – www.DCvictim.org; 1-800-844-5732 (4HELPDC)
• National Domestic Violence Hotline – www.thehotline.org; 1-800-799-7233
• DC Volunteer Lawyers Project - www.DCVLP.org
Resources- Adolescents and kids
• Veto Violence- dating violence prevention training for teachers, coaches, school personnel, youth
leaders https://vetoviolence.cdc.gov/apps/datingmatters/
• Kids Help Line- online resource for broaching difficult topics for kids 5+
https://kidshelpline.com.au/kids/issues
• Love is Respect- safe dating resource for teens with phone/text support
https://www.loveisrespect.org/
• Teen Dating Violence Prevention Guide- icebreakers and activities
https://www.communitysolutionsva.org/files/Building_Healthy_Relationships_Across_Virginia_Unit
• ChAMPS- on-call, mobile mental health emergency service for DC youth www.dbh.dc.gov; (202) 481-
1440.

Want to learn more about donating or volunteering? You can contact House of Ruth chief development officer Elizabeth Kiker via email at [email protected]
-----------
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:02)
Welcome to, but still she thrives. We have a very special guest today, Leona Brannan, and she works for the House of Ruth. And this is a resource I wanted to share with you guys who are local to the DC Maryland area. So we're really just, uh, gonna share this information and share what the House of Ruth does. So welcome Leona.

Speaker 2: (00:28)
Thank you. Thank you for having me, Christy.

Speaker 1: (00:31)
Yes. Thank you for being here. So we'll just dive right in. What is the house of Ruth's mission? First, we'll start there .

Speaker 2: (00:39)
Sure, sure. So the House of Ruth, we were founded in 1976 by a Georgetown University professor named Veronica Madz. Um, she noticed in teaching her students and taking them out in DC to do volunteer work, she noticed that she walked past a homeless man laying on the street in DC mm-hmm. how she felt passing him by.

Speaker 1: (01:03)
Yeah.

Speaker 2: (01:03)
And really understanding there are major issues and challenges that can need to be met when it comes to the unhoused homelessness. Um, and particularly for women. Um, and especially for women who are leaving domestic violence situations. Um, so our mission essentially is to empower women, children, and families to rebuild their lives and heal from trauma and abuse and homelessness. You know, our services include support enriched housing for families and for single women. Mm-hmm. Also, trauma-informed care via our developmental daycare, kids space and free counseling at the D V S C or domestic violence support center where I work. Um, and that's designed to empower anyone regardless of gender, who are survivors of trauma and abuse.

Speaker 1: (01:50)
That, that's awesome. I love that. And just before we continue, what specific area of people are looking for this resource? One of the many that you offer, which, you know, I didn't even know the childcare aspect until I talked to you previously. So there's just, there's a lot of stuff you guys do, but specifically what area do you serve if someone is looking for this? What are the, I guess, limitations geographically?

Speaker 2: (02:14)
Definitely. So for housing, um, the main eligibility requirement is to be a DC resident. Okay. Um, we're grant funded for our housing programs and also for our, um, counseling services. So we have different stipulations for housing. That's one of 'em. You have to have, uh, DC residency established mm-hmm. and you work with the team from there for counseling. There isn't a, uh, residential, uh, requirement. It's just to, if you're interested in counseling and you've experienced any form of trauma or abuse, um, especially in, in regards to interpersonal relationships, it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship. A lot of times our clients, um, who seek services here have had difficult family experiences that have been emotionally, physically, financially abusive. Um, that has either led to homelessness or, or periods of homelessness or just really dysfunction or dysregulation in the day-to-day life. That's for the counseling service and for the developmental daycare. Makes sense. You have to be in DC Um, it is located in southeast DC and so it's really servicing and providing that support for the community there. But people drive their children across DC to get there. Um, cause it is such a support enriched program.

Speaker 1: (03:33)
Right. And so as far as the housing, what is the setup for that pre discounted? I know you have mentioned HUD vouchers when we were talking, so just trying to give an idea to those in DC that could use it, what to expect

Speaker 2: (03:48)
For sure. So we do have a really great intake process that works with each individual in, in looking at their particular situation. Um, cuz we do have individuals who are currently working and needing that support to have affordable housing. And so we do, you know, do kind of a subsidized, uh, rental assistance program there and helping people to connect with, uh, safe and clean housing. Yes. And if you have challenges or any issues, those barriers with being able to get a lease because there've been issues with your rental history. Mm-hmm. That's where House of Ruth helps out with that too. That's great. We also have transitional housing on in that are kind of dormitory style for folks who are experiencing like crisis housing and needing some crisis support. And so for single women, we have programs where you're at a location, a secured and safe location for, could be 12 to 18 months before you transition to permanent supportive housing or independent housing. Again, all of our programs are support and enrich. So that means that you'll have some case management support. You'll have a person who's gonna help you walk through all of the resources and benefits that you're eligible for to help establish that foundation for independence.

Speaker 1: (05:07)
Yes. And I know there is such a great need for this type of resource, which means there can sometimes be a wait mm-hmm. . Yes. At this time or in general, is there a wait list? Is there a general time people wait and if so, where do you kind of direct them or what do you advise them to do in that situation?

Speaker 2: (05:27)
So when I receive callers, um, asking more questions about housing, I do direct them to our intake line. Mm-hmm. , because we have seven programs for single women and six programs for women and children. Yeah. It varies and depending upon each individual's particular situation, you might be able to be placed within the week or might be a few weeks. Mm-hmm. , there might be some additional things to kind of work through first. So our intake line is really helpful. Uh, they know all of our programs and they're really, they're better versed than I am in the kind of steps to take. So that's where I direct people essentially. We receive all of the calls essentially, or it feels like all of the calls Yes. Um, to our main line here. And so I, I do direct people that way so they can get the specific information for their specific situation.

Speaker 1: (06:19)
Yeah. It's great to have such a variety cover all bases. And that's great to know that they could actually get in quicker than one would maybe think because of the, of the demand, you know, the unfortunate demand, right. That there is a demand for this.

Speaker 2: (06:34)
Yeah. And it has gone up. It has gone up because of the pandemic.

Speaker 1: (06:38)
So with the counseling and you said it's kind of the eligibility's pretty open, what, what is offered? Is there anything resources that, just to give another idea of, I know there's emotional support mm-hmm. , but gaining access to certain other resources like education or, um, childcare outside of, if, you know, like I said, if there is, you know, not space at that time or legal issues, thing like that.

Speaker 2: (07:06)
Gotcha. Gotcha. So the biggest thing we run into is, you know, because of the demand at times we do have a bit of a wait for, uh, therapy and being matched with a counselor after you do your intake for counseling mm-hmm. . Um, so I let people know on the front end if it's gonna be four weeks, six weeks, things like that. And at intake, every client is provided with a list of resources and that we walk through and talk through and also safety planning tips to really help the set the stage for what they can expect in terms of the support from our program. So my team, we're all licensed mental health counselors. And so our first, first and foremost, our first uh, kind of focus is on trauma and healing. Mm. Right. Yes. So we, we do a lot of talk therapy, a lot of, uh, skills building with the focus on, you know, helping our clients identify their goals that really contribute to their life worth living.

Speaker 2: (08:02)
Now, understandably, it's not just, I wanna feel better, I want to live better. There's all these other pieces that contribute to that course. Like my housing stability, financial stress and strain, childcare. Mm-hmm. . And so in having, I guess this will be less of a case manager, we do help clients connect with case management and find a, a good program that fits them. But having that person to meet with and talk through your plan and have like that support and encouragement as you're calling these numbers and maybe getting a little bit of a runaround and feeling frustrated, having a safe place to land with that is, is it's super helpful from the feedback I get from clients. So I like to let people know we're traumatologists mm-hmm. . So we really focus on helping our clients learn the skills they need to really advance and move forward in their life. And understanding that additional resources beyond the scope of counseling can be needed at times. And so you just have that additional support to navigate , the wide system that we have in DC Yes. To really put those pieces in place one, one piece at a time.

Speaker 1: (09:09)
That's great because I, you know, I can imagine coming out of a abusive situation and even if you're just on the other side of it, but having to feel so overwhelmed with all the things that come along besides traumas, like you said, that's first and foremost you wanna work on that. But all these other things that are just almost seem like such a hard task to someone who has just gone through something traumatic. Mm-hmm. , I mean, even getting up in the morning or taking a shower can be hard . So yeah, it's really great to have that support there right away, even if you can't get to the counseling part right away. Which is, it's just nice. And I did wanna kind of touch on that cuz I remember you did say that you guys do offer a list and resources right away. So my podcast is mostly focused on after people are out of a situation, a toxic situation. Like you said, it could be romantic, it could be family. And I do know you and I wanted to just make this clear, you all do help people with exit strategies cuz some people come to me and I don't really work on that. Right. So if you could just, I guess, touch on what you do as far as that. Are you dealing with people who come and say, Hey, I, I don't even know where to start. I'm still in a situation mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: (10:26)
. Yeah. Okay. Yes. When we have clients who are still living in a abusive or unsafe situation and then kind of unsure about if and how to leave, our big focus at that juncture is, is working on identifying those steps that they would feel safe taking. It's kind of thinking through your therapist, right? Your therapist isn't or shouldn't mm-hmm tell you exactly what to do. Right.

Speaker 2: (10:57)
We can't kind of prescribe to our clients this is what you need to do. What we are able to focus on are the safety steps that can help other or have helped other people. Mm-hmm. and giving our clients the ideas. So considering, you know, where, how do you save things in your phone, how would you save these resources in a way if you're concerned that your partner or the person that you're living with would have access to it or see that you don't want them to. Right. What are safe ways to save and keep resources? How do you kind of strategize around where you would go, you know? Mm-hmm. , let's consider the different options in your natural support system. And then we look at the options within the city. So planning where to go, who to call, and how to keep that information as safe and secure as possible is really that kind of early on.

Speaker 2: (11:55)
Like, let's consider some options, also strategies to leave with children. Cause that can look a little bit different as well. Yes. Um, so I really work with my clients, especially my mom's, on identifying what are the steps that you feel the most comfortable and safe with doing first, what is plan B, C, and D . Right? Right. Worst case scenario. Right. So we think through these things and for clients it's also great to have a place that you're coming to where I can write it down and save it and keep it and we could come back to it if you don't feel comfortable taking that with you. Cuz again, that fear is there of what would the person figure out what I'm trying to do. Right. Um, so you really consider all of these elements of safety, of feeling, feelings of security to make this very big leap in change.

Speaker 1: (12:46)
Yes. Yes. Uh, I love that you guys do that and support them through that earlier stage. And like you said, it's gonna look different for everybody. And you know, with my podcast, yes I have advice on a specific niche, but you know, with that comes, everyone's story's different and there are real fears. Mm-hmm. , especially in this type of situation, you have violent people that can be evolved. There's some real fears there. So you've gotta stay within someone's comfort zone and keeping them safe obviously is, you know, top priority. So that being said, what advice do you have for women who are finally getting out of an abusive or toxic situation? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2: (13:30)
, I would say first and foremost, connecting as early as possible with support programs like House of Ruth. I think that really makes a difference because when we're in the most difficult times in our lives, it can be really isolating. Hmm. When we're experiencing really the worst kinds of abuse, the worst kinds of, of neglect from the people who are closest to us. Whether it's recent or it's well in the past, there can be a lot of emotions that come up from that as you're trying to build your life. We work with folks who, you know, are actively working on changing their lives, whether it's via employment, whether it's via, you know, education or just reestablishing a fully independent life on your own with or without kids. There's so many emotions that come up through that. And as you're navigating going to school or going to work the day-to-day grind of, of, of whatever your life situation looks like, being able to have a, again, a safe place to land a support system around you, it's just invaluable.

Speaker 2: (14:46)
And it does help in reducing severity of crises at times too. Right. Because again, not being by yourself and not feeling totally isolated, you're more likely to be able to kind of think through and work through what you would wanna do and strategize a little bit earlier in the, in the, in the game. Mm-hmm. . Um, so no matter where you are in your process, if you're just considering like, Hmm, maybe this could be better or maybe I want things to be different, connecting with a support program. I big advocate for House of Ruth and, and calling us and, and at least having someone help you kind of navigate, uh, the vast social service system that we have here. You may talk with multiple programs and organizations before you find the right one before you feel that level of support. But starting that early, I would definitely recommend it. I would also say having a plan pre and post exit, you know, that can be helpful too. Just an idea in mind so you don't have to just headli it and kind of take things as they come. It can make leaving feel a little bit more doable.

Speaker 1: (15:57)
Yes.

Speaker 2: (15:57)
You know, if you're thinking it through and you have a support behind you, and even if you've left in the past and you're like, man, I've done this before and I've come back and I've come back, this could be the time that it makes the most difference and that it actually sticks. Right. This can be the time where this change is lasting. So I encourage people to give yourself, give yourself grace and space to, to make these big changes. And knowing that it's not all or nothing, it might not look perfect. Mm-hmm. it may not be the best and the most comfortable situation. Um, but having support makes it even better to like be able to achieve it. Right. We have some new success stories from our programs and, and people who've come from really dark times. Yeah. And so we see that with the right support you can achieve the better life that you want for yourself. I would also recommend starting counseling early. I'm a big proponent for therapy.

Speaker 1: (16:54)
Me too. . Absolutely.

Speaker 2: (16:56)
I think it's so important no matter where you are in life, to take time to slow down and, and really have that therapeutic open environment and safe space to explore, to unpack and uncover maybe things that you hadn't before. And learning how to deal with it, be with it self-soothe. Um, I think we all could use that, especially after the years, couple years we've had, you know, to be able to set healthy boundaries for yourself and for others while you're trying to create a new normal. All of these things we aren't taught in school. So having therapy gives you a space to really learn it and incorporate it into your life.

Speaker 1: (17:38)
Yes. That's a whole other, uh, podcast where I, I think I talked to you about that. I just would love to see more of this taught in school, proactive avoidance of getting into these situations, right? Mm-hmm. , because it starts so young, it can start really young. So that's something I'm passionate about as well and, you know, gonna tap into that in the future. So yes, I totally agree that, and I think it's important for us to, you know, send that message out that it's never too early to come to you guys. It's never too early to start with the questions. Even if you're not sure this is how you can decide you get support, right? Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. . And another thing I did wanna mention, because I have had people, you know, clients of mine say, well, you know, he doesn't hit me or something.

Speaker 1: (18:27)
Right. I just wanna reiterate, and maybe you can speak to it, a little of abuse is just not physical. And I know that like the back of my hand now, but when I was younger and going through things that I did, I was in it and didn't realize how much the emotional and other, other things could have a toll take a toll. And I think that's more common than we realize with people in abusive situations, even if it is physical dis well he, he only hit me once or he, you know, there's just this idea of kind of dismissing it. So I guess if you could speak to any of that before we, um, get going here just popped up and I thought we'd touch it real quick.

Speaker 2: (19:07)
And that's really important and that's a big thing that, you know, we teach as we do, we do a lot of, uh, community presentations, especially around domestic violence awareness month. That's when we have our busiest time. Mm-hmm. and I talk a lot about this dynamic that in relationships, especially intimate partner relationships, it doesn't start off as physical. You know, we, we educate and learn about the red flags internally and externally that can come up in a relationship and how to read those early sign, you know, if I set up a boundary or say no to something, the person's response to it is really important. It's really telling. And so we're gathering information and, and helping our clients and the folks that we connect with in the community know what those early warning signs look like. Know what that power and control dynamic, how that can come up early in a relationship or over time.

Speaker 2: (20:08)
And really being able to hear those internal red flags because we hear about like, oh, that's a red flag. This is something that someone is doing that isn't good. Right. But what about those internal ones that come up? If I express myself and the person I'm speaking to says something negative or derogatory, that makes me feel bad about what I'm saying. That is speaking to me. That is telling me something about how this dynamic can make me feel. And if I address that with the person and I still feel unheard or hurt by their response, those internal feelings are really important to Q into and to listen to.

Speaker 1: (20:45)
Absolutely. I always say, listen to your body. If you really get quiet enough and you let your thoughts escape. I'm big on meditation and prayer because in those moments you can check in even if you're outside of the actual moment where you know it does sting or, or you feel dismissed or undervalued mm-hmm. when you sit in silence. And for me that can be prayer, meditation, whatever. You really can ask yourself questions and essentially quote, listen to your body. You know, like mm-hmm. , our body, our heart, our, I mean it's, we're always communicating to ourselves. It's just a matter of listening. Right.

Speaker 2: (21:19)
. Exactly. And learning how to listen. Cause it's not automatic. No. There's so many thoughts that come through your mind at one point in time that it can be hard to slow down a little bit.

Speaker 1: (21:31)
Totally. Especially when you're kind of in survival mode. I mean, so that's a whole other situation, right. So it's like surviving and trying to listen and, and do all that can be tricky. But you know,

Speaker 2: (21:45)
I also wanna mention how relationships, especially in the beginning, they tend to feel great. Mm-hmm. , we call it as like the honeymoon stage. Yes. Right. And, and everything is awesome and exciting. You know, I have a number of clients who've been in therapy with me for some time and they're in a new relationship and it's so great and so exciting and they're a little bit afraid because they kind of know of what's happened before mm-hmm. , you know, so a little bit of that historical, you know, information is, is coming to the forefront, but even still in the moment, it's so great and it's so exciting and that's the most, that's the loudest message. Yes. That this person likes me, I feel good, I feel great. And so even then we work on and we talk about, let's consider what your boundaries are and and see safe ways in, in early ways to kind of throw them out there to learn this person. Yes. And give yourself the opportunity to hear what would come up for you if you set a boundary or if you asked for something or you said no to something, what would that look like and how would you feel? So understanding that those early stages, especially of dating, no matter what age you are, you are a detective and you're learning Yes, absolutely. You're wanting to know who this person is and how they make you feel. And in addition to all the great feels in the beginning mm-hmm.

Speaker 1: (23:06)
. Right. Great point. And on the heels of that, when people have gotten out of the situations and you're looking back, even in my own situation, a lot of times we kind of forget like well the bad kind of sinks down and we are clutching onto those good moments. Mm-hmm. . And so we can, that's where you can get kind of pulled back in and if, you know, a lot of abusers can do the power control and manipulation and tug on your heartstrings, they know what buttons to push. So that's just another thing kind of similar even on the other end where I'm sure you guys, you know, help with that on the post leaving, trying not to get sucked back in because that's, that can be common as well.

Speaker 2: (23:46)
Well for me I could, because again I'm totally respectful of my client's choices. Mm-hmm. , I have had clients who've resumed a relationship and really my focus and goal is supporting them and doing it in a healthy way to make choices in a healthy way. Right. To continue to build their self-confidence, their inner dialogue and keeping it going. Yes. Um, because whew, it, it can be difficult to, especially when families are involved, it can really be difficult to not have a relationship with maybe a close family member, maybe a parent. Right. You know, and so navigating how to maintain a relationship you wanna maintain in a way that also maintains your self-respect and your safety. We practice and learn how to do that as well.

Speaker 1: (24:39)
Yes. And that's like you said, those boundaries like mm-hmm that's setting up the boundaries cuz yes there are situations and even co-parenting that, you know, with an ex mm-hmm , there are situations either, like you said, you want to maintain some sort of contact or you have to. So yes, navigating that balance where you can still feel good in that relationship somehow. And I, I agree that it's, do you know it's doable, it's just work and so support is really important. Well thank you so much. Also, I did wanna talk really quickly. I know you have opportunities for volunteering. I believe there's ways to donate. So if you can touch on that and I will have all of the links to all the information in my show notes for the podcast, but I just want you to give a little synopsis,

Speaker 2: (25:27)
For sure. So we've had such a great development team, um, led by our development kind of, I call her the president that's probably not her title but call her development president cuz she's so on it. Her name is Elizabeth Kiker and she's easily reached via phone and email, um, which I'll give to you to add to your notes. Yes. Great. Um, and she really does a great job on identifying the, the biggest areas of need in our organization and introducing people to what we do, how we work and, and also connecting many organizations beyond. Like we work with a lot of other organizations within DC and so being able to have just that wealth of knowledge from Elizabeth, she has so much in terms of opportunities with us and also how to support the work we do at large. So I would definitely say to connect with Elizabeth if you're interested in donating your time, donating supplies cuz we do support a lot of, you know, and women and also kids mm-hmm. , you know, a lot of times we don't have fun things for them to do. And so having those just community supports makes such a big difference in just the experience that our, our families have, uh, while they're with our program.

Speaker 1: (26:44)
Great. Yes. So I will definitely put all those links and I'll try to get the direct links to each, each thing on the website, um, and then her information will provide that. Yeah. And I guess that is it. This is, uh, just thank you for what you do. Um, I'm so excited we got to do this little collaboration and, and get the word out more because

Speaker 2: (27:05)
It's such a, I appreciate you for spreading the word. I love to talk about House of Ruth and what we do and I'm super appreciative for the opportunity to, to share that with your listeners.

Speaker 1: (27:15)
Yeah, I'm very excited. So thank you so much and we'd love to have you back on to talk about maybe different topics in more depth and we'll love to talk to you soon.

Speaker 2: (27:25)
Definitely would love to come back. Thank you

Speaker 1: (27:27)
Christie. All right. Yes. Thank you, Leanna. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com

29 min
March 28, 2023 Ep 17 How to Protect Your Kids from Your Narcissist Ex
*Top 3% in podcasts globally
Does trying to co-parent with a toxic person drive you up the wall and you feel like you don't know how much more you can take? In today's episode I discuss what NOT to do when co-parenting with a narcissist.
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
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Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
[email protected]
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I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
Transcript
Speaker 1: (00:00)
One of the most important things when co-parenting with a narcissist is the obvious. You want to protect your children and it may be hard to protect them. A narcissist is not so fun and can manipulate, can drag them into it. There's a lot of tough things. But stay tuned for four ways to protect your kids.

Speaker 1: (00:26)
Hey Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? Do you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course,

Speaker 1: (01:46)
You do have somewhat of a lack of control when you are co-parenting with a narcissist. So we have to focus on what you can control. Number one, talk to your child. And this is a very fine line, so I want you to be discerning when you are talking with your child. Um, it's, you know, you're trying to help them understand their other parent's behavior. If it's that bad that you feel the need to talk about it, make it age appropriate. Teach them that their parent's behavior is about that parent. I can't stress this enough and without totally trash talking, cuz we just talked about in the last last week's episode, we don't wanna trash talk the narcissist to our child. We don't wanna involve in get in all the drama, right? If the child brings up something like, why doesn't daddy X, Y, z? Why is mommy talk like this?

Speaker 1: (02:39)
Whatever The thing is that as they bring things up, it's important to respond in a very factual, emotionless way and say, you know, not everyone has the kindness and not everyone has the compassion that you and I do. While they don't have it, they do love you. They're, you know, if it's something about how they're treating the child and if it's abusive, obviously you wanna go to the authorities, but just, you know, if there's a disconnect or if they're dismissive of their feelings, things that they can't lose custody over but can still sting, you can just say, you know, they may not have compassion the way that you and I do and it means nothing about you. It's so important to let them know it has nothing to do with you and it's a them problem, you know, so be, again, very careful walking that fine line of trash talking versus simply explaining in a logical, very simple kind of flat, emotionless way, which can be hard.

Speaker 1: (03:42)
So you might need to take a breath and say, you'll explain later. If it's in the middle of something or you're having, you know, sympathy, empathy for your child and your emotions are coming up, you are allowed to say, okay, you know, let's talk about this in a couple hours, da da da. And kind of if you have to decompress or whatever before you address it, because it's very important to not pull your emotions into it if possible. These kids go through enough with a narcissist as a parent. Number two is not to take it personally, and this is something even with my own parents, they were divorced and you know, it was, my dad was like the fun parent. He was the every other weekend, gave me McDonald's, maybe took me fun places. My mom was the disciplinarian, the one who was working crazy hours trying to just feed us and keep the lights on.

Speaker 1: (04:35)
And there was a lot of background stuff I had no idea was going on that, you know, my dad was doing. And I wouldn't know that till adulthood in the last episode I mentioned, um, my mom did not trash talk and wanted to keep things separate for us, which I so appreciate. So it can be hard to not take things personally like, you know, I found a note once from my childhood. It was a picture of me and my dad and my brother, and it said, I love dad more. He takes me to McDonald's, right? And you may be familiar with that. If you are with a narcissist, they can be awful, but they can also be very charming. They can be very fun and sometimes they don't have to be a narcissist to do those things. It's just they're trying to make up for the time that they're not around.

Speaker 1: (05:18)
So we have to not take these personally as the parent that is more of the disciplinarian. You know, the one who has to be a little more serious and make sure things are rolling smoothly. When the children respond to a narcissistic parent first they could be in fear of that parent. Or like I said, that parent may put on the fun face and be the fun parent and try not to take it personally because it's not. It's your child trying to connect to both parents and that's absolutely normal as a child, right? You want to have the two parents in your life be very stable and you want that, that connection. You want to feel loved if they have a narcissistic parent. It's very common that that narcissistic parent, though they may be fun still may make the child feel not important or valued. Many times it could be the bulk of the time, but they still, you know, make it fun.

Speaker 1: (06:14)
But that child will still be seeking something. They're not getting filled by the parent. So they're seeking their approval and they want, they like desperately wanna connect because the narcissist makes it hard to connect. Whereas you, the healthy parent, you don't make it hard to connect, it's easy. They know they have you, right? So it's, they take you for granted. And this is, this is normal. That's childhood. Children are selfish by nature. Their brains don't fully develop till they're like 26. So we got a while , we got a while till they really get it and even maybe till their parents themselves. So alongside of it just being hard to parent children because they can be selfish. If you have a narcissist in the picture, it can be easy to be like, you know, well, why do they gravitate toward them or why do they see nice things in them when they're so horrible?

Speaker 1: (07:09)
It's just unfortunately part of the package and really try hard to not take it personally. I am telling you, eventually the child sees the narcissistic parent for what they are. It may take a year, it may take decades. We don't, it just depends on the child, the situation. But eventually the children will see the truth and as their adults get to make their own decisions and what they do with that relationship, this may seem obvious, but I gotta throw it in there. Watch for signs of abuse. Look for anything that crosses the line. Physical, sexual, emotional abuse, anything. If you see any signs immediately report it to the authorities. Keep your child away and of course, document everything. Always document everything. I can't say that enough. That should be my tagline in my show. Document everything, all right, last, be a healthy parent. We're not gonna be perfect, right?

Speaker 1: (08:05)
We're just not. No one's perfect, no one's a hundred percent healthy. We all have our faults, but you can't choose how your partner parents, your child, but you can offset it with healthy parenting. So be a good role model. Coach your child through the rough patches. The antidote to your partner's narcissism is acceptance, stability, uplifting comments, and unconditional love. We don't need to flip to the other extreme of letting the child take over the house and letting guilt kind of guide our decisions and spoiling our children rotten. That can be damaging too, right? But there is a balance and you are going to have to compensate for the damage that they can do on the children. And that is, it's part of what, what we're signing up for here as co-parenting. This is probably not what you expected out of life, but here we are.

Speaker 1: (09:02)
So we have to manage it the best way we can. And you're the person, you're here. So obviously you're the healthier person looking to do better and be better and grow and thrive and you want your children to do the same. So you have to really not get sucked into the drama, not get sucked into the emotions, especially around your children, right? If you need a moment to cry or punch a pillow, go do the thing. But not in front of your kids. Don't talk about the situation to your girlfriend at volume 11 on the phone in the kitchen when your kid is right there in the living room next to you, kids hear everything. Let this be a reminder. So save those conversations for your private hour. I don't know what that is. That sounds, that sounds like a whole other podcast, but you know what I mean.

Speaker 1: (09:49)
When you have time without your child where they cannot hear you, they are not an earshot, then you have those conversations. So that is also healthy parenting kids only need one healthy parent. That's my view. Honestly. I think they need one healthy role model in their life. It's great to have obviously healthy friends and family to help support and be there to lean on for you and your child, of course. But I have seen amazing children come out of one parent households, very, very healthy children and many kids don't even get that, right? There are families that have two parents that are really messed up. So I know sometimes it feels lonely as the only healthy parent, but know that it's good enough. You are good enough. Be that healthy role model so they have a chance because that narc parent, it's not an easy road, but you are there to compensate for it and you're doing a great job and none of this is easy, but it's doable.

Speaker 1: (11:00)
And then we have to take care of our mind and body with, you know, all my other episodes going into rebalancing your nervous system, all that stuff is really important too. So make sure while you're going through this, you're also taking care of yourself. All right, so remember, you are amazing. You are beautiful. You are a queen co-parent. Check that out, okay? You're a queen co-parent now. See you soon. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade, fun.
13 min
March 21, 2023 Ep 16 Want to be a Healthy Role Model for your Kids? What Not to Do When Co-Parenting with a Narcissist
*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Does trying to co-parent with a toxic person drive you up the wall and you feel like you don't know how much more you can take? In today's episode I discuss what NOT to do when co-parenting with a narcissist.
Mentioned Episode:
The Grey Rock Method:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-5-how-to-handle-narcissistic-abusers-the-grey-rock/id1662241353?i=1000594909977
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
EMAIL ME TO FILL THE LAST SPOT in my coaching for limited pricing of $50 (normal price $200): [email protected]
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
[email protected]
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
Transcript
Speaker 1: (00:00)
Look, being a parent is hard enough, but when you have to co-parent with a narcissist, ooh, mm-hmm. , it is downright impossible. Rather than being selfless about parenting, co-parenting with a narcissist means both parents have to take responsibility for themselves and their child's wellbeing. And while we know this is nearly impossible for narcissist, it's not for you. Lucky you, your child's wellness falls basically on you as the healthy parent. But good news, you got this. Stay tuned for five things not to do when co-parenting with a narcissist.

Speaker 1: (00:40)
Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course.

Speaker 1: (02:02)
So it seems like you cannot co-parent with a narcissist, let me be frank. It just seems that way. And technically you cannot totally win in co-parenting with a narcissist, but you can manage it a lot better and learn the ways to deal with them so that you can raise the healthiest child possible and try to keep yourself healthy as well. So before we dive into what not to do, we're gonna talk a little about the things that they will be doing as narcissistic co-parents. Okay? So, so you can be prepared if you're not already in the weeds with them, or you can validate your own suspicions now. So there are some things they'll do. They will try to manipulate you. They will try to make you feel guilty. Any chance they get, they will try to make you feel sorry for them. Pull on the old heartstrings.

Speaker 1: (02:52)
They may try to make you feel like they are the victim. Actually, usually they will, let's be honest. And they will try to triangulate and use other people, including your own children. Hopefully not, but they may against you. So these are things to be aware of, and as always, they will never stop trying to gain control of you, your child or any situation. And that is in the last couple of episodes, cover a lot of that whole control situation and why they do that, all of that stuff. So let's dive into what not to do. Number one, this is one of my top suggestions. Don't take the bait. Don't argue. They make it very hard to win an argument. They often talk in circles to confuse you and overwhelm you, make you think you're crazy, keep your answers clear and short without emotion. Again, the last couple of episodes we go dig really deeper into that.

Speaker 1: (03:52)
So don't explain yourself or give too much information. This is also called the Gray Rock Method, and that is another previous episode I will link below in the show notes. It's all about Gray rock method and how you can do that. Number two, do not be afraid of them. Okay, I'm gonna put a little side note, of course, if they are dangerous, um, violent, financially abusing you, all of that, I hope you're already in touch with the authorities and attorneys. You need to be. This is kind of just in general with narcissists where they want you to be afraid of them because they're gonna take the power. The thing is, you don't have to be afraid of them. If you can take your control back, and this whole podcast is a lot of that taking your power back, right? In general, all of my episodes, so narcissists love when people are afraid of them as it fills their power bucket.

Speaker 1: (04:44)
Well f that, mm-hmm. no time for that. But there is no reason to fear them. If you keep control and stay in your truth, you know the truth, get out of your emotions and really just keep it down to the basics and you will have a lot easier of a time staying in control and not feeling like they have the control, which is where the fear comes, right? When they have the control over you, over your emotions, over situations. Number three, don't have conversations on the phone. Document everything via email or they have these nice new fancy apps. Now f specifically for co-parenting, and this is so important, I thank God I did it in my situation for two reasons. One, they tend to behave better when it's in writing because it can be used against them in court if you show it to somebody, right?

Speaker 1: (05:39)
So if they are forced to only be able to communicate via email or app in written form, I think you're gonna be a lot better off. Sometimes when they are in the heat of the moment, they may still pop off on email. And I have a client of mine where she actually gained custody because her ex couldn't control himself and on email wrote something, a big threat literally where he lost custody of the child completely. So that's why I feel like it's, I'm so passionate about getting everything in writing in general in life. I come from a family of lawyers, so we're big on having stuff written down. Also, number two, with this, you can look back and remind yourself very easily if you have it in writing about how awful they are when they're trying to guilt you or pull you in your heartstrings.

Speaker 1: (06:30)
Um, with one of my exes, I literally starred emails that he had written that were nasty because I had a struggle with, you know, with breaking up and disconnecting. You sometimes remember the good or they come back and try to pull on your heartstrings. They come crying, I got poetry, I got love letters, I got chocolate chip cookies, right? So I would go back to those starred emails to remind myself, it's like proof and a reminder that they are abusive and putting on a show, right? When they're acting like that, the true self is the abusive self. There are co-parenting apps out there. Like I said, ask your attorney for more information on which one, I don't know. I didn't use the apps. Um, so I don't know specifically what they, you know which ones are the best. Um, so you can definitely ask your attorney or you know, there's divorce groups out there that co-parenting groups, stuff like that.

Speaker 1: (07:22)
You can get more information. Number four, don't try to control everything. Unfortunately, you can only control what's going on in your home with your children. If your children are safe, fed and happy when they come home from your exes, you're doing okay, right? If they are not document everything, take it to your attorney and authorities. If your child is in any danger emotionally or physically, I would say a lot of states, um, they're all about the child and they want the child to be healthy and happy and safe. So if there is proof of otherwise, that's why I say get everything in writing. You don't know. It's almost like a build upon, right? You stack things together to get more and more proof to build your case. If you are trying to get custody at any point, like full custody, if their, their parent is safe and they're just a narcissistic, selfish person who manipulates, will that hold up in court?

Speaker 1: (08:19)
Probably not. It takes more than that unfortunately. Um, and all you can do is be the healthy parent and role model and you know, we'll do the next episode, we'll go a little deeper into how to protect your kids. So, um, we'll cover more of that there. We'll go to the next. Here we go. Don't use your child, okay? Your partner may use your child to get what they want. They might even have them report back on private information you may have shared with them. You may be tempted to do it too, but it is really best not to. So don't lower to your ex's behavior. Be the healthy parent. If you wanna raise a healthy child, I will say my mom could have truly smeared my father's name. I'm not saying my father's a narcissist, I'm just saying they had an ugly marriage and divorce, but I did not even know that she did a great job of keeping that separate.

Speaker 1: (09:15)
And as an adult, the more I found out, as, you know, as an older adult, she opened up more about things because she felt it was okay at that point, which I agree. Um, but she did not drag me and my brother into the drama. And I'm sure it was hard not to, to see us, you know, uh, looking at this person who really hurt her as this great person and, and she probably felt jealous or like she really wanted to tell truth to us that she felt were important and she couldn't. And I do think that's important because it's hard enough being a kid going through divorce. Like you don't need to be dragged into the drama of it. So it can be tempting, but don't do it. Remember, they're just kids. Let's keep the innocence alive for as long as we can, right?

Speaker 1: (10:04)
So to recap, do not get sucked into arguing with them. Do not be afraid of them. Although if you're in danger, again, good reason to be afraid, go to the authorities, only speak with them via email or a co-parenting app and release control as long as your children are safe. And never get your child involved and avoid the trash. Talk about your narc. I know it's tough. I get it. I love a good trash. Talk about a narc. They're awful. Okay? It's hard, but it's also damaging to your child. And as a child of a narc, they will have a challenging journey as it is. Can I get a what? What? Yeah. So I'll be addressing this in the next week's episode, so be sure to subscribe so you get notified when a pop out on the episodes. And I will talk to you soon.

Speaker 1: (10:50)
By the way, don't forget, okay? You are amazing. You are extremely gorgeous. If nobody's told you lately and you are very, very worthy of a beautiful life and you deserve some pink sprinkled donuts, if you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade, fun.
12 min
March 16, 2023 Ep 15 Why Do Narcissists Do What They Do? The Surprisingly Simple Answer
*Top 5% in podcasts globally
It drove me nuts not understanding why narcissists did what they did. Then I figured out and it changed the game! Listen to this week's episode to find out the one reason they do what they do!
Mentioned Episode:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-14-how-to-stay-calm-and-in-control-during/id1662241353?i=1000604104790
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
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Join my free facebook group here:
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Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
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WORK WITH ME:
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Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
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And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
[email protected]
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)
I have had so many clients say, why do they do this? Why do they do this? The surprisingly simple answer is coming up very shortly,

Speaker 1: (00:13)
Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christie. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.Com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course.

Speaker 1: (01:34)
Part of what blew my mind and confused me for so long was not knowing why narcissists behaved the way they did. Was it just something I was doing that caused it? Were they just evil? Were they afraid of rejection? Was it one of those weird self-sabotage things? What was it? After my own experience, education and research, I found out that there's one, one answer and when I unpacked it, it changed everything. I started understanding every single conversation we had, every request they demanded every angry outburst and found real relief that it was never about me doing anything wrong. What was it about drum roll? It was all about control. There are literally two things a narcissist is doing in any conversation with you, especially one with conflict, which let's be honest, that can be majority of the conversation they are trying to gain or keep control of you or the situation or both.

Speaker 1: (02:42)
Or if you're finally standing up for yourself or even getting to the point you are ready to leave or gone, they are then checking to see if they still have control. Let's give a couple examples. There's like the blatant control threats to control you. Like if you leave the house looking like that, I will not be here when you get back. Hmm, something like that. Sound familiar? Then there's the less obvious control maybe in the form of a guilt trip. Like, well, everyone's girlfriend will be there. I know you have a big test tomorrow, but if you are really supportive, you would come, you would support me, right? Or like I said, after the fact or when you are, you know, setting boundaries with them, testing to see if they still have control and man, do they freak out if they don't? Um, an example of that is, let's say you're disconnecting, they will send you something they know you will have trouble resisting.

Speaker 1: (03:40)
Like your old song, let's say it's an ex your old wedding song or a funny meme that they know you'll think is hilarious, right? And those little things that you may think are like, oh, he cares, he's thoughtful. He knows I would like that. Yeah, he does know and he is using it against you to gain control or checking if they have control. So they might check first, and if they don't, they might come on even stronger to gain, regain that control. One of my exes would send me random texts even a year after we broke up with things like, Hey, just reminiscing about our trip to Mexico. Speaking of which, I still have that shirt that I got you there. Do you wanna come get it? Okay. That's all about control and seeing if he still quote had me, he did not, spoiler alert, , I did not take the bait.

Speaker 1: (04:34)
And he then would come on stronger, right? That's when you have to really disconnect, block whatever you gotta do. You probably know the deal. You're probably familiar with some of these actions. You know the cycle, but now you know the reason to that. It's all about control. Again, I will repeat it. It is trying to gain or keep control of you or the situation or checking to see if they still have control. So what is the key? Don't let them have that control . But knowing that every single action out of narcissist is basically seeking or trying to maintain control helped me a lot to react with less emotion. It was like I figured out this puzzle piece that made everything make more sense and gave me more peace. I would ask myself, are they trying to gain control? Yes. Well, I'm not gonna give them that control.

Speaker 1: (05:27)
I, it just got very almost like logical and tactical and kind of took some of the emotion out of it. If you haven't listened to episode 14, you can go check that out and listen to the ways to navigate a conversation with them effectively, and so you can stay in control. I'll link that in the show notes, a k a podcast description, and that wraps this episode up. This week's homework You ask, take a sigh of relief , knowing why they do what they do, and listen to that episode to navigate those dreaded conversations. But as always, if you can avoid a narcissist, that is always my number one recommendation, the no contact method. So you are beautiful. We know this, you're worthy and you are in control. So go slay this, stay queen. See you in the next episode. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.Com and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christie Jade, fun.
7 min
March 07, 2023 Ep 13 | Can’t Stop Negative Thoughts? 5 Ways to Quickly Squash Them!
*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Squash those negative thoughts that abuse has caused! These thoughts are BS, and we have no time for them! Let's replace them and build ourselves up!
RELATED LINKS:
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
EMAIL ME TO FILL THE LAST SPOT in my coaching for limited pricing of $50 (normal price $200): [email protected]
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
[email protected]
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.
TRANSCRIPT
Speaker 1: (00:00)
After abuse, you may notice that you have negative thoughts about yourself. You might believe you're not good enough or you can't trust anyone. The good news is it's possible to stop these negative thoughts after abuse, but it takes work and patience. In today's episode, we'll talk about how to recognize those negative self-perceptions and what you can do about them.

Speaker 1: (00:22)
Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind f-Ed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refused to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So, shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find alt fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course.

Speaker 1: (01:43)
First of all, I want you to repeat after me. That's not my. If you don't wanna say, say stuff, but not your. Do not let the abuser define who you are. You are so much more than the negative comments and actions of this abuser, and it's important for you to remember this. Instead of focusing on the abuser's, negative comments and actions, focus on yourself. Look at what you have achieved in life so far, the good things about you, and how far along the road to recovery from abuse has taken you. Even if you're kind of baby stepping out, you are getting onto the other side of that abuse, right? It's important not only for your mental health, but also for your self-esteem. Number two, write down those negative thoughts. If you've been following me a while, you know I love to write down feelings, so write them down.

Speaker 1: (02:32)
It's important to identify what your negative thoughts are first and how they can impact you. So when you write them down, it gives you an opportunity to really think about them in detail. You may be surprised at how often these negative thoughts actually pop up in that little brain of yours. I mean, big brain, you got a big beautiful brain. So write down the positive counter-argument. This is one of my favorite things to do with my clients when we're working through the earlier stuff and getting through these thoughts, is reversing this damage that has been done reversing these thoughts that someone else put in your head that are not true. We are going to get to the truth, right? You don't feel worthy because someone else said that. It's not because it's true. So take for example, you feel worthless. Try writing out an alternative viewpoint on the same topic.

Speaker 1: (03:22)
I am valuable. This will help shift your perspective and provide some balance in your life by reminding you of all the good things about yourself instead of focusing on this be us that someone else put in your brain and someone else tried to make you believe for their own narrative, their own life, their own. Again, that's not your, okay? So once you've written that down and you've turned it around, you can keep this handy nearby. Look at it. Maybe you wanna do one or two to start and just kind of start reminding yourself and replacing those negative thoughts is actually does work over time. It can take practice. That's where we say it's work. Yeah, it's work, it's practice, whatever you wanna call it. And it is a form of self-care, right? Number three, practicing good self-care. Woohoo. I'm the queen of self-care.

Speaker 1: (04:13)
I love it. First, find time to be alone. It's great to go out with your friends, with your family, people that lift you up. That's great, but you do need time alone to do your own work. You know that inside work that you can't really do when you have a lot of distractions. So take time to relax, unwind, meditate, do yoga, take a bath, things that you enjoy, going for a walk, reading a book. Write down even a list of things. So when you have some free time, when you've carved that out for yourself, make sure you carve it out every week. You can even go to your list and say what sounds really good? Write about. Now, if you follow me on Instagram, you know one of my favorite things to do is dance. I haven't danced as much lately, but we need to.

Speaker 1: (04:53)
We need to do some more dancing. I did do one this week, so if you're not following me on Instagram, by the way, go find me Fierce Christy Jade , and say hello. Alright, let's get to the next one, which is number four. Don't compare yourself to other people and don't beat yourself up. Sometimes when we're on this journey after abuse, we can compare ourselves to people in other situations and it's just kind of a useless thing. No person is on the same path, okay? Everybody has a different story. Everybody has a different timeline and trying to match someone else's timeline or their life in ways or wishing this or wanting that, we've just gotta let that go. We are on our own timeline. All you can do is learn from what you've gone through and apply what you learn your, you know, tools like this, getting support, anything you can do to help put your life in a different direction and learn from the past, but don't beat yourself up about the past either.

Speaker 1: (05:54)
It's gone, the past is gone. It has molded you who you are. I'm a big advocate of actually having pride, not in my pain, but in what I do with that pain, with that experience. Now, I would not be where I am today without what I have gone through. Was it like on my top 10 of how I wanna live my life? Maybe not right, but it is what it is. It happened. Some of it was devastating, some of it was horrible. But I would not be where I am today if I did not go through that. I wouldn't appreciate things the same way I do now, and I wouldn't be helping the people I am today. So I am a big advocate of not really looking at and trying to regret or beat myself up over decisions I made. Or why was I so weak?

Speaker 1: (06:44)
I couldn't get out of this like earlier than I did. Let's bs. Let's stop it. Okay? Life is too short for that. That's, that goes in that whole negative self-talk bin. We need to trash it and reverse it, shrimper and reverse it. Remember that , I don't know the the lyrics and I don't think you do either. Okay, let's move on. Number five is very important to me and has helped me a lot in my journey, and that is surrounding yourself with uplifting people. Bottom line, other people's energy affects our own energy. Can I get a what? What? You know exactly what I'm talking about, right? There's some people that when you're around them, you feel like you are on the top of the world and it's not inconsistent, right? Like, I mean, we could go down that narc path. Sometimes you could feel on top of the world with them, but then they will drop you real low.

Speaker 1: (07:36)
So that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about people who are just joyful people, peaceful people. They're not into all the drama. They just, they might, you know, everyone has their days, but in general, they're consistently a joy to be around and we gravitate toward them for a reason, right? Same goes for the opposite. There are people that are draining and will suck your energy and will use you and we'll take advantage of you. And even if they're not intentionally doing it, they'll use you as a dumping ground for just all their drama or their negativity and their complaining and their gossip. You don't need that in your life, especially after abuse. Never really, okay? Let's be honest. But especially when you have gone through something yourself and you are looking for peace, ask yourself, is this person in alignment for me in my journey to peace?

Speaker 1: (08:26)
Are they adding peace to my life? Are they adding joy or are they just sucking my energy, which is y? You probably don't have that energy to give, let's be honest, right? So surround yourselves, even if it's only a couple of close friends that you have, it's important to surround yourselves with happiness and peace and calm. People who talk about exciting things and life and activities and growth. Maybe they're doing their little self-growth themselves, right? Not people who talk about other people in dramatic situations. That's how it feels inside, right? We don't like that. So don't take on all this negative energy that you just have no business taking on right now. And if you don't have those people, go find them. Get yourself out there. I know you're doing all this healing work and everything, but it is a really nice thing to have a support system.

Speaker 1: (09:18)
You can always look on like Facebook groups or meetup.com. There's all sorts of resources. You can always reach out to me, I can help you out finding those things. I love doing that sort of thing. You can always email me in all my information is down in the show notes, aka the podcast description. Also, don't forget, I have one more spot open. So if you want an hour long phone call with a two week blueprint to piece that we can work on, I'm working on a framework for a course I'm doing, so I'm taking on a few clients right now at a very discounted price. So it's $50 instead of my normal 200 for this. So if you are interested, email me. I have one more spot left fierce mama, M A m A c gmail.com. Or you can find ways to connect with me in my show notes.

Speaker 1: (10:07)
But yes, I would love to, I'm gonna try to tie that up this week. So reach out if you are interested like asap so we can get going and I would love to help you. So to wrap this up, these mofos did some damage to your brain, okay? It is not irreversible, it is not going to identify you. We're not gonna let it. Okay? So number one, what are we gonna do to help focusing on yourself and remembering this is their, okay? This is their stuff. You write those negative thoughts down. That's number two. Write them down, turn them around. Woo, can make a song out of it. Number three, practice your good old self-care. Number four, don't compare yourself to other people. Give yourself grace for the past. And number five, surround yourself with positive mofos instead of negative mofos. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1: (10:58)
We need some cheerleaders around us right now. All right, so, so be comforted in the fact it's possible to stop the negative thoughts, but it may take a little time, a little practice like I said, but it's okay to have these negative thoughts. It's totally normal to have this after abuse. So if you're like, why can't I stop thinking because you have had a narcissist. Who are the worst people in the world that can scramble your brains up real good, but we are gonna unscramble them, okay? So between the self-care of meditation, yoga, and the rewriting of these negative thoughts, flipping them into positives, you can start to rewire your brain and your nervous system. Again, it takes time and there are more ways. So if you work with me, like you grab one of those calls, we can work on more customized ways and we will do that.

Speaker 1: (11:44)
I love doing that with my clients. So know that there is a way to stop these thoughts. I know they can get obsessive and overwhelming. So breathe, and part of, for me, part of knowing there is going to be a way out with something that helped me with having faith and seeing someone else on the other side. So I'm here to tell you, I'm on the other side. Is life perfect with no hiccups? No, but I can't tell you the amount of growth I had in actually a pretty quick time. So if you're willing to put the effort in and get support, it's a lot quicker, . So I will see you in the next episode, and as always, don't forget how wonderful you are. You deserve to be loved. You didn't deserve what happened to you. You are stepping up and healing and it's a beautiful thing. I'm so proud of you. Talk to you soon. Smooches and dos. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.
14 min
March 02, 2023 Ep 12 | Trouble Getting Motivated After Abuse? How the 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins Can Help!
*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Abuse can wreck your motivation during and even after! The 5 second rule helped me and helps many. Here is how to use it in general, and specifically after you have gone through narcissistic abuse.
RELATED LINKS:
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
[email protected]
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

Speaker 1: (00:00)
, is your motivation non-existent after years of abuse? Do you have ideas of who you wanna be but feel paralyzed to start, stay tuned for a trick I learned years ago that helped me drag my big old butt out of bed and finally be the person I wanted to be.

Speaker 1: (00:18)
Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind F girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me. Whether it's one-on-one coaching or a pre-recorded boundaries course.

Speaker 1: (01:39)
After disconnecting from a narcissist, the damage does not end. I felt such confusing emotions and was so overwhelmed that I had no motivation in my body. I literally felt paralyzed to make decisions to get my butt out of bed to the gym, or to put myself out there in relationships. One quote I heard that supports this trick I'm about to share is better done than perfect. This has helped me so much in my journey due to lack of confidence from abuse. I question and still do at times myself all the time. Back then also, depression is a thing and it can come immediately after disconnecting from narcissist. I mean, if you're already not down in the dumps, disconnect from one and it does. It does not help the situation other than getting away from them. But the depression can get worse and just the feeling of chaos in your mind can can be worse.

Speaker 1: (02:35)
So that will impact the motivation you have in your everyday life, right? So after I disconnected from monarchy, I landed upon motivational speaker and author Mel Robbins. If you don't know her, she's amazing. Go check her out. And she is known for this five second rule. It is simple but effective in a nutshell. Here it is. In her own words. If you have an instinct to act on a goal, you must physically move within five seconds or your brain will kill it. So you start counting backwards to yourself from five. So it's obviously 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. As soon as you hit one, you have to physically push yourself to move. You have to take physical action as you count down from five to one, you'll be distracting your brain from coming up with all the reasons why you either should do something else. If it's like you're gonna go to the gym or you're gonna go eat that healthy salad or whatever.

Speaker 1: (03:33)
Or in a lot of my case, it was just getting out of my head, right? And physically getting up and getting out of that cycle helped. So I would sometimes take it a step further. If you're really ruminating, get out of the room you're in, even start to clean, get out of the house, pick up the phone, call a friend, but physically do something in another space. Also, counting down from five to one is a starting ritual. It will interrupt old behavior patterns and trigger new ones. So the more you do this, the easier it becomes, right? So it can take a while to retrain the brain in general, but the more you do it, the easier getting motivated becomes. And if all goes well over time, you won't need to countdown. You will have enough experience to have rewritten your pattern of whatever it is, the blocks, the letting the thoughts take over and paralyzing you.

Speaker 1: (04:29)
And we don't wanna be paralyzed. We don't want our brains to be paralyzed. We have a big life to live. We wanna thrive, right? That's the name of the show. We gotta thrive. So write down, better done than perfect. And five second rule on piece of paper, a post-it, whatever, slap it on your mirror. I want you have post-its all over that Say this until you get it and go get or done. So don't forget, you deserve love. You are beautiful, and you deserve to be treated like a queen. Can I get a namen? Say it. I didn't hear you. Amen. All righty, see you in the next episode. If you are not subscribed, go hit the subscribe button so you can catch me next time. Smooches and deuces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, aka the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade Fun.
6 min
February 28, 2023 Ep 11 | 5 Ways to Build Confidence After Abuse
*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Feeling like the damage is done and not sure how or if you will ever get that sparkle back? On today's episode, I share 5 ways to build your confidence after the damage of abuse!
RELATED LINKS:
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
Join my free facebook group here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/christyjade
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?! My client's fav meditation I created:
https://christyjade.podia.com/4minutemeditation
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
[email protected]
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)
Feeling like the damage is done and you have no idea how to get your sparkle back, or maybe you never had a chance to sparkle, then this episode is for you. I will give you five ways to rebuild your confidence after any kind of abuse.

Speaker 1: (00:17)
Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'mChristy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life, and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you, you'll find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up, ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www.christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course.

Speaker 1: (01:37)
All right, so today we're talking about confidence. I have an interesting relationship to confidence. Maybe some of you can relate to this. I was a class clown. I was energetic. I'm loud, I'm outgoing. And I think a lot of people take that as like, oh, she's so confident, right? I will tell you this, I had very low self-esteem in many parts of my life. Maybe not every single one, but many parts of my life growing up. And that can often be a result of living in some sort of abusive environment where you are maybe dismissed or don't feel good enough, or to the deeper level of emotional physical abuse. So it was a just very interesting relationship I had with it. As I've gotten older and gone through therapy, I've developed what we call real confidence, where I'm not cocky, but I've realized I am worthy just like everybody else in this world.

Speaker 1: (02:30)
So we'll have a whole other episode on confidence in general. But these are five ways to build confidence. So let's dig in. Number one, self-care, no matter what that made you feel about yourself, and maybe they made you feel like you do not deserve to care for yourself or put yourself first, that's bs. So no matter what you feel like you deserve, you have to start prioritizing yourself. That means positive self-talk, giving yourself grace, eating healthier, not gobbling down bottles of wine and brownies. Maybe I did that at one point. , how we treat our bodies completely affects our minds and vice versa, right? So we've gotta do the physical and the mind body parts as well. That is the physical mind, body, spirit. You know what I'm saying? So after I knocked out abusive people out of my life and started working out four times a week, just that alone, I felt like a new person.

Speaker 1: (03:28)
So if you don't, you feel like you don't have the motivation like that sounds great, Christy. That's cool. I don't have the motivation to work out four days a week. Well, you need to do the five second rule, which will be my next episode. It's a mini episode. I'm actually sneaking a little bonus episode in this week. So look out for it. If you are not subscribed, that is the way to be notified of my episodes. So as they come out. So go hit the subscribe button if you're not subscribed. So you'll get notification for that later this week. Number two, let yourself finally be you. When you have lived walking on eggshells and trying to please that person or those people, you never even had your, your chance to have your true identity, like your true self. Like what do you want? You know, what is your path you've been living for other people?

Speaker 1: (04:14)
Or if, let's say you had a honky dory upbringing and then entered a relationship with someone abusive, maybe you lost it. You lost your identity, you lost who you were, you lost your sparkle, right? So either way, it's you 2.0 now, like you back, you're a queen. Let's do this. What lights you up? Try different things. Take classes. Build new friendships with like-minded people. I found a completely new me that resulted in the icing on the cake of attracting like a whole new tribe. And that was just by organically doing the things that I was really interested and setting boundaries and all of that stuff. So I naturally built a more positive community around me by doing that. Speaking of boundaries, number three, set boundaries without guilt. I'm the queen of this. Now, I used to set boundaries, but I would feel really guilty after that is no longer the case, which is an amazing feeling, and you will get there.

Speaker 1: (05:13)
But finally, give yourself permission to say no or what I like to think of it as saying yes to the things that are meant for me in my path, right? So you gotta evaluate and set your priorities, which is what I do with my clients. Like first thing. So then you know, what are my priorities? And when you say no, it's, it's not full of guilt because you're, you know, you're doing what is your priority, and in my case, God's priority as well. So you can write a list of things you desire and prioritize them and build your boundaries that keep the things and people that you do not want in your life out. So check out my show notes that's in the little podcast description and Apple or whatever platform you're listening on. There should be a description underneath each episode, and there will be a link to my course that can help you with setting boundaries, keeping them, all of that without guilt.

Speaker 1: (06:02)
Number four, get support. Whether it is a therapist or a life coach like me that truly understands what a deep effect, essentially abuse has, some people just don't get it. You know, they may read it in a book. I highly suggest someone, whether it's me or someone else, somebody who has actually gone through abuse themselves to really like empathize with you because they've been through it. So definitely look for that. When you are seeking support, I mean, you've been through hell, okay? And there are people out there that understand it. You're not alone. You are not alone. It's, it's way more common than it should be. So you're not alone and somebody that you can trust, you can build a relationship, can help you walk through that fire, right? That you might still be, you're kind of walking out of, but you're still feeling the heat.

Speaker 1: (06:55)
Get to the other side so then you can truly thrive. And there, I promise you can thrive even if you do not feel like it right now. So today, get yourself a nice little notebook, a cute little pen, and write out what you desire. Anything from hobbies you wanna try to the type of friendships you want in your life to dying, your hair a new color, booking a vacation, write it all down and start working toward one of those things today. Think what can I do today to add a little bit of light into my life? Baby steps, right? It's through the small steps that we create entirely new and thriving lives. So I'd love to know what you're working on. You can join my free Facebook group. Again, they're in those little show notes. My link to my Facebook is always there and go in the group, introduce yourself, whatever, and post what you think would be a great addition to you 2.0.

Speaker 1: (07:50)
That's the new fabulous queen you. If you aren't subscribed to this podcast, once again, hit the subscribe button and then I will see you in the next episode. And don't forget, you are amazing. You are worthy, and you should be treated like a queen. Smooches induces. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www.christyjade.com , and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more Christy Jade. Fun.
9 min
February 27, 2023 Ep 10 | 5 Ways to Rebalance Your Nervous System After Narcissistic Abuse
*Top 5% in podcasts globally
Do you feel like your mind body and dang soul are just a wreck after being in a narcissistic abusive situation? Here are 5 ways that helped me recalibrate my nervous system so I could live a life of more joy! They will be total game changers for you, too!
MENTIONED LINKS:
After abuse we need SIMPLE. I created a planner for busy women just like you to navigate your days easier: https://christyjade.podia.com/shethrivesplanner
Want the BEST and quickest pick me up?!
My 4 MINUTE meditation:
https://christyjade.ck.page/insider
WORK WITH ME:
https://www.christyjade.com/transformational-coaching
Have trouble setting boundaries in your life?
Grab my E-Course here:
https://christyjade.podia.com/boundariescourse
And if you just wanna peek around and find out more about me and my work..check out my website! It's FUN AND SPARKLY ;)
https://www.christyjade.com/
Want to drop me a line or have a question? Email me anytime!
[email protected]
Let's connect on social media!
https://www.instagram.com/fiercechristyjade/
https://www.tiktok.com/@fiercemamachristy
I am Christy Jade, adoring wife, adoptive mama and narcissistic abuse survivor. I now help other women who have gone through abuse (or are going through it) find confidence, power and peace.

TRANSCRIPT:
Speaker 1: (00:00)
Do you feel like your mind, body, and even your dang soul or just a wreck after being in a narcissistic, abusive situation? Stay tuned for five ways to help you recalibrate your nervous system so you can live a life full of more joy.

Speaker 1: (00:16)
Hey Queens, welcome to, but Still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist and you find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now? Do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted and mind effed? Girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had a disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace. Are you feeling lost after post narcissistic abuse? I'm your girl. I got you. This is my specialty. Go check out ways to work with me at www dot christy jade, that's christyjade.com. Click on work with me and find all fun ways you can work with me, whether it's one-on-one coaching or a prerecorded boundaries course.

Speaker 1: (01:36)
Let's be honest, just because the abuse has ended doesn't mean the damage is over. Unfortunately. You have to recalibrate, rebalance all the things, which it is possible. We're gonna start today with five ways to get your nervous system rebalanced after narcissistic abuse. So when I got out of my situation, I still felt like I was in this state of constant, almost just preparing for the worst. Like everything was always just tight and stressed out. And so I was either like distracting myself and go, go, go doing the work, overachiever mode, all the things running around, cleaning my house just like this super, super hyper focused energy. Or I was like completely depleted. I felt like there was no in between. And I was like, I need to fix this. I need to get a hold of myself, my brain, my body, everything felt spent. And I was like, I want to get balance.

Speaker 1: (02:33)
So here are some things I did to recalibrate this. Suck it bad. All right? You know what I'm saying? Okay, number one, this is like basics. We're doing 1 0 1 right here. This is like drinking your water, eating the bright, shiny, colorful foods. I was not eating enough veggies, I'll be honest. I'm just not. When you're stressed out all the time, you tend to not take care of your basic needs, right? And good sleep, which I know it can take time. You might need a little therapy to get some better sleep or pop in one of those lovely hills. Not the hard stuff, okay, I'm talking about some melatonin . Number two, get that vitamin D not in a pill form. Get outside, get your butt outside. Not only is vitamin D good for you, but your brain literally changes when you step out into nature. It is an automatic mood boost.

Speaker 1: (03:22)
And side note, by the way, if you have kids, you can totally use this. I use it to get my daughter out of her cranky cycle. It's like the first thing I do. If she gets cranky, I'm like, we're going outside. Even if it's for two minutes, it works every time. And if I have a little squabble with my hubby, I throw his out the door and in the sunlight too. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Okay, number three, meditate every single day. I don't care. I don't care. If you don't meditate, you're going to Now the big boss is here. Here I am, queen. Oh my gosh, this, seriously, you guys is a life changer. If you can do it every day, great. I really want you to try it, even if it's just five minutes. But I, I mean I dove in, I dove in.

Speaker 1: (04:05)
I started probably 20, 30 minutes. And when you start meditating, you're gonna wanna do it more cuz you realize how effective it is. It is a life changer, I promise. So if you're not doing it, incorporate it into your morning routine. Um, you can do it at night. But I find the best effect is doing it right in the morning. I have a four minute mood boost, which is my client's favorite meditation ever cuz it's four minutes, but it will shift your mood. So if you wanna start out like simple, I will put that in the show notes, like the description and the podcast. So check that out and yes, you'll love it. You will love it. Number four is yoga. Kind of the same idea. And you have the added benefit of getting stretchier, which let's face it, we are getting a little older and have less stretchiness.

Speaker 1: (04:55)
The elasticity is going, so we need to work at it harder. So I don't know about you, but I was creaking when I got up after a movie in the movie theater. I mean, I don't know, it started years ago. I just, it was creaky creaks. And when I keep up with my yin yoga especially, that really gets in like the fascia and the deep tissue. Like it's amazing. My body does not make the noises that compete with the popcorn crunching. So it's a extra bonus. Seriously. I really, really recommend yoga. It's awesome. You can do the hot yoga, you can be baller. I do the yin yoga. It's just so relaxing and it makes you just really stop and be in the moment. I just love it. Number five. All right, you big hippies. Let's end with a bang here. You are going to walk barefoot outside.

Speaker 1: (05:44)
Yeah, you may hate me for this one, but if you actually do it, you will thank me. This is what we call grounding. Oh, the magical things it does for your body. You may end up with neighbors gossiping about you, but you won't care cuz you'll be so excited and just running around like a magical unicorn. And maybe you will attract a like-minded neighbor that wants to run around like a magical unicorn. Unicorn. Oh my gosh, it's getting crazy over here. unicorn feet, naked wind in the hair. You just never know people, okay? So you never know, you'll find your tribe by running around with your naked feet. Seriously. Grounding is really awesome. You can hide, you can do it in your backyard where no one can see you. But connecting your body to the earth is a thing that is just, it's you gotta do it to, to understand.

Speaker 1: (06:37)
Okay, now these are just five tools. We have all sorts of things. We'll have more episodes about this. Write me your questions at fierce mama, M A M A [email protected] sending specific questions. And I hope these five tools have helped you today. So go start resetting that BS that that toxic, nasty caused you. I'm so mad at them. Okay? I promise we can undo this, catch you in the next episode of, but still she thrives. If you are loving this podcast, but want a little more customized guidance, go to my website at www dot christy jade, christyjade.com, and go to the work with me tab to find ways you can work with me. I would love to help you. Also, don't forget to look in the show notes, a k a, the description of this podcast for any related links that I mention and more. Christy Jade fun.
8 min

About NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

From the publisher's feed

Healing Tools for Women

Are you feeling lost after breaking free from a toxic relationship? Are you afraid you will get sucked back in, whether it is with the same narcissist or a new one? Are you ready to finally live in peace?

In this podcast, you will find healing methods and coping solutions to set you free from narcissistic abuse and its effects. My mission is to equip you to become strong and free through confidence building, proven healing methods and finding peace. If you’re ready to say yes to thriving after abuse and stop chasing everything that hasn’t worked for a plan that will- you’re in the right place!

Hey, I’m Christy. A mom, wife and a ruthless narcissist avoider! For years of my life, I went to therapists that didn’t understand narcissism, read generic abuse recovery books and tried things that didn’t help me truly disconnect and break the cycle of narcissistic abuse. I wasted money on tools that didn’t give me lasting results. I finally realized that if I was going to truly disconnect and heal, I had to understand narcissists’ minds and the effects on their victims. After years of education and endless conversations with victims of narcissistic abuse, I created a perfect plan to not just disconnect fully from the current narcissists in my life, but to avoid getting sucked in by future ones, while creating healthy boundaries and healing from the effects of abuse. A life of thriving, not just surviving. And I am ready to share it all with you!

If you are a woman ready to finally find a clear cut plan to stop the cycle and heal from narcissistic abuse -effective solutions that have results that are undeniable: like a peaceful night’s sleep, decreased overwhelm, and unshakable confidence, then this podcast is for you!
Grab that mocha latte, it’s time to dive in.

Wanna work together 1:1, queen? Grab your first power call for mindset and somatic healing now:
https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint/

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