Normalize therapy.

You have just discovered your husband's pornography addiction or the other woman. Your safe world or life as you know it has shattered/come crashing down. We want to provide you with some essential truths and tips/strategies for coping with this sudden devastation and also talk about what you can expect of yourself in the moments and days immediately following betrayal.

Today I’m happy to introduce you to Sharon Snooks. Sharon is an Associate Therapist here at Therapevo. She is a Registered Social Service Worker in Ontario Canada and Sharon has a real passion for working with clients who are recovering from trauma.

Of course, betrayal is one form of trauma and so I will often refer betrayed wives to Sharon and her work with them has been very much appreciated. So today Sharon is going to sharing five things betrayed wives need to know when they are confronted with the very real, very raw emotions and the profound impact of betrayal.

Let’s jump in here by just setting the stage a little. We’re speaking mainly to wives, although some of this could be translated to betrayed husbands too, and to wives who really have just discovered their husband’s betrayal and are staggering under the shock and really feeling like their world has been shattered. Maybe just give us a quick overview of what you’re going to cover and then let’s dive in!

We’re going to look at what you can expect from yourself in the immediate aftermath of this discovery, what is normal including betrayal trauma reactions and first steps in your healing journey including creating safety - a safe place and setting boundaries and basic self-care.

Betrayal is a deeply traumatic experience: your life is going along as normal and then suddenly there’s a big discovery which changes everything. This discovery becomes a turning point: you think about your life before the event, and how things are different afterward. With infidelity, your view of your life, and of who your husband is has to totally change. This change becomes a real threat to your sense of safety and you begin to feel a sense of hopelessness.

My first message to the betrayed wife - it is not your fault! You could not have prevented this - husband is responsible for his behavior. It’s normal to feel dumb - how could I have missed this? Some wives even start to feel like they’re going crazy due to the overwhelming shock of the discovery. On top of that many people will start to look back on their life in the run-up to the discovery, and interpret things through this new filter of “my husband betrayed me”, which totally changes how they see things. You start to question everything you thought you knew about your life.

It’s normal to trust your spouse. It isn’t normal, in a healthy marriage, to scrutinize everything your spouse does as if they might have an affair. So the way you acted up until the discovery was perfectly normal. You were living a normal life, and are now in abnormal circumstances. You couldn’t have seen it coming.

Another thing it’s really helpful to look at is betrayal trauma symptoms. Knowing what these are, and what to expect, can help validate this experience. Trauma has physical, emotional, behavioral, and even spiritual effects. Physically it can stop you sleeping, and create feelings of nausea. Emotionally, it can either create extreme feelings of anger or lead to a sense of numbness where you don’t really feel anything. Grief is also a factor: wives grieve for the marriage and husband they thought they had. Worry is also a huge issue as now you start to wonder how your life is going to look now.

On the behavior side, many women withdraw from their social circle due to the embarrassment and shame around an affair. Mentally you often end up feeling flooded and drained, just being overloaded by every thought in your head. Spiritually, some wives struggle with feeling betrayed by God: if you believe you married the right person, who God wanted you to marry, how did this happen?

In the midst of all this, I’d encourage betrayed spouses to keep trusting themselves- trust your gut instinct and learn to rely on your instinct to spot things like this in the future. You may come through this trauma wiser and better able to tell if your spouse is really on the road to recovery or if they’re at risk of repeating their betrayal.

Let’s turn to look at what the first steps in the healing journey will look like. The first thing you need to find is a sense of safety and security. Maybe you used to find this through your husband, but now that’s been taken away. Even your trust in God to provide safety can be challenged.

Safety is emotional and physical. Start by looking at what makes you feel safe? Simple practical things like sleeping alone, or having a safe space, can create a feeling of safety and a place you can retreat to. Safe people are a great thing to look out for- who helps you feel safe. Looking at these practical steps helps you to feel more in control and gives you some steps you can take to start feeling safer.

Another really important thing to look at is self- care. This can sound selfish but in the beginning days after a betrayal its so important to look after yourself. This can be as basic as eating and sleeping, exercise, doing something for you, and the importance of routine - for you and especially if you have children. It’s so easy to stop taking care of yourself in these traumatic situations, and this only serves to make everything feel worse. So work on maintaining self-care and a feeling of normalcy for you and the children. Be gentle with yourself- you might not be able to do everything you want to, but there’s always something.

During the initial time after a betrayal, it’s ok to almost put the emotions and thoughts surrounding it “in a box on the shelf” and do whatever you need to do to get through the day. You can deal with all of that later when you choose to. Everything will be moment by moment, so just focus on dealing with each step, and try not to think too far ahead. Just focus on being well in the moment.

Finally, remember: people do get through betrayal in marriage. There is healing. There is hope.

If you want to work with Sharon or learn more about her professional background, check out her bio page on our website. She does have some availability at the moment so if you’d been through betrayal in marriage or would like to work with Sharon on other issues feel free to reach out to her.

Today we’re exploring the intersection between theology and our sex lives as married couples. These may sound like very disparate topics, but in reality what you believe about God, and what you think the Bible says about sex, will have a big impact on how much - or how little - pleasure you get from God’s great gift of sexuality.

This particular episode was recorded when Verlynda was recovering from pneumonia, so it is a conversation between Caleb Simonyi-Gindele and Jesse Schellenberg. A summary of this conversation follows below.

So what do your beliefs about God and the Bible have to do with your sex life? Well, I think a lot of couples feel like the rug has been pulled from under their feet when it comes to sex: in today’s culture everything is permissible, everything has the green light. So how do we as Christian couples respond?

A lot of Christian couples may have questions about sex, and what is and isn’t permissible: are sex toys ok? Is anal sex ok? And the general answer is that it really depends on how you feel about these things in light of what the Bible teaches generally about sexuality. The Bible does give some clear guidelines: is what you’re doing respectful? Is it honouring? Is it mutually enjoyable and physically safe? These principles will guide you towards what is healthy and helpful for your marriage and what is not..

Talk About Sexuality At Church

Overall, the Church hasn’t done a great job teaching about Christian sexuality. For the most part it has not given people a healthy sense of sexuality. Sex is a fundamental, biological gift from God, and yet we never seem to talk about it in Church. On rare occasions, we do teach about sex, the lessons we get usually only amount to 1) don’t be gay, and 2) sex is bad if you do it before you’re married. That’s all we get. And then on your wedding night, you’re expected to just flip this switch and suddenly transform into a healthy sexual being after having denied your sexual feelings for decades. That sometimes doesn’t work so well!

So I think it’s important to start creating a more healthy dialogue about sex within the Church. We just need to start talking about it! And then we need to start referring back to the actual biblical principles about sex.

Talk About Sexuality At Home

Sometimes people are uncomfortable talking about these issues, and their objection often boils down to “I’ll have to talk about sex with my kids”. But that’s good! Have those conversations: talk to your children about this fundamental part of being human: sex. Of course, filter it to the age and understanding of your children, but these discussions should be a normal and healthy thing. Kids are smarter and more aware than you think!

What about between yourselves as a couple? Many couples find it hard to talk to each other about these issues. How can we deal with that? First, we need to attack the idea that talking about sex is dirty or taboo. This mentality is unbiblical and creates a culture of shame. We need to orient ourselves around what God says about sexuality. God could have had us make babies any way he wanted. And he chose this way and declared that it was good. And if God says that sex is good, who are we to go against that?

Our first commandment was to be fruitful and multiply. A sexual commandment. We’re made in God’s image. So that’s a rousing endorsement that sex is good! So if you want to have better sex, talk to your partner and don’t feel ashamed to do so.

Maybe you understand that, but still find it hard to talk about sex with your spouse. If that’s the case, instead maybe start by talking to your spouse about those feelings of shame around sex. Your spouse has already probably picked up on it and may have some of the same feelings. So start by talking about that issue and go from there. Sometimes “talking about talking about” something can be a good way in.

It’s also really important to create a healthy lifestyle around sex. Remember that every interaction you have with your spouse is foreplay: is the way you interact helping to create a safe and trusting relationship? Are you creating an environment of intimacy in my home where sex is a natural by-product? If affection is part of your daily life- kissing each other, talking openly, hugs- then sex naturally follows.

The biggest pitfall couples make around this is just getting busy with the kids. Maybe you have two or three kids, both working full-time jobs, so you have no time for sex and even when you do have time, you don’t have the energy. The way around this is to have that conversation and talk about making sex a priority again. Avoid blaming each other for this: before you start blaming your spouse for the lack of sex, have a good look at what you are contributing or not contributing to the marriage. Sex starts with taking the garbage out in the morning!

One thing you can even try is scheduling sex: some couples feel this takes the romance out of it and means you lose some of the spontaneity, but others come to really look forward to the times when they know they can really connect with their spouse and this anticipation can provide a boost to the sex drive.

Theology and Initiating Sex

So how does theology impact how we should initiate sex. Here’s a radical idea: ask your wife how she would like you to initiate sex! Ask her how she’d like you to put out the vibe and create that environment where you can both look forward to sex? Again, that’s a great conversation to have.

Going back to what the Bible says is acceptable, what about pornography? Can that be part of a healthy sex life? Well, the trust here is that most pornography is extremely degrading and objectifying to women: it reduces women to mere objects that men want to have sex with. Why would you want that to be a part of your relationship with your wife? Why would bringing someone else - even if it’s someone on a screen - into your sex life be honouring? That’s bound to be an interruption to the one-flesh principle that’s very clearly laid out in scripture.

Sex is very versatile: it can be used for pleasure, to relieve stress, or to connect with your spouse. It doesn’t have to be all those things all the time, but there are lots of ways you can enjoy sex. And one of those can be connecting with God. Marriage is a three-way thing between you, your spouse and God. And when we come together in sex we experience a unity that mirrors the trinity of the Godhead. Sex is an image of how God relates to himself, and how he wants to relate to us as humans.  So in that sense sex can be a glimpse of the relationship God wants to have with us. That’s a really powerful thought and there are lots of ways you can take that and use it to direct how you and your spouse think and talk about Christian sexuality.

Today we revisit the topic of creating more intimacy in your marriage. This is actually a replay of episode 108. We don’t normally do replays but Verlynda is in the hospital with pneumonia today. I am glad to say that she is recovering, but, boy does that pneumonia ever hit hard. So, please keep her in your thoughts and enjoy this show from a couple years ago.

If you really want to build more intimacy in your marriage – and who wouldn’t??? – here are four ways to do that. Take the time to hear, and digest this.

1st Way to Build Intimacy: Intimacy is Built Through Disclosure and Responsiveness

Given that intimacy itself is purely emotional, let’s put a nice, sterile definition on it…

Intimacy is what happens through interactions of self-disclosure and partner responsiveness to disclosure. This process is believed to develop feelings of closeness between the speaker and the listener.[i]

Gotta love it!

Perhaps the definition that Caleb uses will be easier to understand. He says that intimacy is really like “Into Me See”. When I let you see into me and you respond appropriately, and when that is reciprocated, you get intimacy – That’s what deepens love.

So, the first way that you can increase the level of intimacy in your relationship is through disclosure and responsiveness, or doing the “into me see” thing.

Husbands, Caleb has some words of wisdom for you. When you let your wife see your emotions, that creates far more intimacy than when you let your wife just see facts and information about you.[ii]

It’s cute and fun and worthwhile for you to share that you got a bike for your sixth birthday. However, when you tell her how you felt after you fell off your new bike and your dad got all mad at you for scratching it, that will create greater intimacy than just telling her you got a bike.

Again, when you complain about the guys at work, that’s fine. You need to share. When you tell her you’re afraid of losing your job though, and that you’re carrying this fear around like a dark cloud in your heart, that will create intimacy far deeper than the facts regarding your work situation.

Wives, the same deal goes for you. You need to be connecting emotionally with your husband. Intimacy is built up when I let you see into my emotional world. That’s very vulnerable.

The flip side of this is that when your spouse shares an intimate detail with you: you have to respond. You must, must, MUST acknowledge it. Even if all you can think of is “Wow, I never knew that”, then just say, “Wow, I never knew that”; or “Thank you for sharing that with me – that’s really special.”

Something, please! It’s not just enough to share: responsiveness needs to happen too.

2nd Way To Build Intimacy: Intimacy is Built Through Knowledge and Understanding

There is a great study from 1998 which is worth mentioning, even though a lot of couples have already figured this out.

First, couples who are better at predicting each other reported greater feelings of marital intimacy.[iii] That’s just saying that couples feel more intimate if they know each other well.

Become a student of your spouse! Intimacy in marriage comes from knowing and understanding each other.

There is a positive cycle that happens here. When you accurately understand and know a person, that will lead to greater trust. You trust the people you know best (assuming that the knowledge is positive…).

When you have that greater degree of trust, you feel safe to be more expressive of your inner world of emotions and thoughts. In other words, you become more vulnerable and you’re more willing to self-disclose. Then what? That leads to more knowledge and understanding between the two of you, and more predictability and then there is more trust.

And what happens when there is more trust? Intimacy!

It’s a brilliant positive cycle. This is why marriage should keep getting better and better.

So, you can build intimacy by increasing your knowledge and understanding of each other, but how do you really tease out that knowledge and understanding?

3rd Way to Build Intimacy in Marriage: Intimacy is Built Through Curiosity

Curiosity is the tool you need to go down that path of seeking further knowledge and understanding.

A study from 2014 investigated the link between curiosity and intimacy. The study had a definition full of research lingo, so let me summarize it for you.

If you allow yourself to get really interested in your spouse and what your spouse talks about (think, by the way, of how this ties back to our earlier point of being responsive to the disclosure of emotions), it will increase your desire to have more encounters with your spouse.[iv]

Again, this is a positive cycle. The more that you learn about your spouse’s perspective and experiences, the more it leads to an enduring, intimate relationship. Curiosity predicted increased rating of attraction and closeness in the people in the study[v], and will do the same for you.

Finally, Intimacy in Marriage is Built Through Positive Emotions and Events

Apparently happier couples have faster cycles of alternating in talking and sharing, AND they have increased emotional intimacy.[vi]

This is where we need to learn to enjoy each other – to enjoy time together. Caleb and I laugh a lot together which creates a sense of intimacy because I have more fun with him that I do with anyone else.

Again, this is a positive cycle. You have to work towards creating this cycle in your marriage – it’s more difficult at the start, but eventually it starts to take on a life of it’s own and just needs nurtured after that.

Tied to this is the need to savour positive life events.

A study in 2015 was done with 99 couples where the wife had early stage breast cancer.[vii] The researchers looked at deepening intimacy in the middle of a very scary point in life. They talked about the idea of capitalization – where a couple savours positive life events by sharing it with each other. In this case, they shared the best event of the day.

What they found is that on days where capitalization events occurred, both spouses felt a higher sense of intimacy. The benefit of savouring the positive event together was actually greater than the benefit of the positive event itself.[viii] You know what that’s like – when something wonderful or funny happens and you think to yourself, “Oh, I wish my hubby was here too!” I know I think that!

In summary, the four ways to build intimacy:

Through Disclosure and Responsiveness (into me see)

Through Knowledge and Understanding

Through Curiosity

Through sharing positive emotions and events

References

[i] Jean-Philippe Laurenceau, Lisa Feldman Barrett, and Paula R. Pietromonaco, “Intimacy as an Interpersonal Process: The Importance of Self-Disclosure, Partner Disclosure, and Perceived Partner Responsiveness in Interpersonal Exchanges,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 74, no. 5 (1998): 1238–51, doi:10.1037/0022-3514.74.5.1238.

[ii] Ibid.

[iii] Patrice E. Heller and Beatrice Wood, “The Process of Intimacy: Similarity, Understanding and Gender,” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 24, no. 3 (July 1998): 273–88.

[iv] Todd B. Kashdan and John E. Roberts, “Trait and State Curiosity in the Genesis of Intimacy: Differentiation from Related Constructs,” Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology 23, no. 6 (December 2004): 792–816.

[v] Ibid.

[vi] Lynda Dykes Talmadge and James M. Dabbs, “Intimacy, Conversational Patterns, and Concomitant Cognitive/Emotional Processes in Couples,” Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology 9, no. 4 (December 1990): 473–88, doi:https://dx.doi.org/10.1521/jscp.1990.9.4.473.

[vii] Amy K. Otto et al., “Capitalizing on Everyday Positive Events Uniquely Predicts Daily Intimacy and Well-Being in Couples Coping with Breast Cancer,” Journal of Family Psychology: JFP: Journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43) 29, no. 1 (February 2015): 69–79, doi:10.1037/fam0000042.

[viii] Ibid.

Every marriage has conflict. As we often point out, it is not so much how often you fight, but rather what you do when you fight and afterward. Do you repair after conflict? Do you work together during conflict to get to the bottom of issues? Today we have 10 Rules to help you fight fairly.

Fair Fighting

Since we have so much emotionally and relationally at stake in a marriage, I think it is easy to forget that we need to be decent towards each other when we fight.

In the Bible, Proverbs 18:19 says "A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city…” and this could as easily apply to a wife or husband. As soon as you actually offend your spouse it really entrenches them into their position. We think that if we use stronger words or language they are more likely to capitulate. That doesn’t work.

As always, when coming to this topic Verlynda and I didn’t sit down and just pick 10 things out of the air. No, we asked our researcher to go into the marriage research journals and see what he could find.

He came up with three studies from 1989 to 2016[i] in which married couples were asked to list rules they thought were important dating with conflict. Hundreds of rules were reported and these were then grouped into common themes by the researchers. From these themes, we developed these 10 rules for fair fighting.

When followed by both spouses, all 10 rules will help you resolve conflict between you more easily and will improve your marital satisfaction. They are not in any particular order: you will probably notice that you as a couple already do some of these, but you may hear some that you haven’t tried or don’t use often enough.

Rule #1: Be Respectful

This one is fairly self-explanatory: show respect and love for your spouse even when you disagree. But think about how you do that:

Don't be rude

Avoid name calling

Try to keep calm

Don't escalate things when you feel threatened

Being deliberately hurtful or aggressive makes conflict much worse and creates a like-for-like cycle where both of you just try to retaliate when your spouse upsets you[ii]. Being calm and respectful allows you to resolve the conflict quickly, without it damaging your bond of intimacy.

This theme of being considerate of your spouse, even during conflict, was by far the most important rule found in the research, accounting for 26% of the total variance in whether conflict resolution was successful or not[iii].

It is probably worth asking your wife or husband: is there anything I can do to be more respectful of you when we’re in conflict?

Rule #2: Say What You Are Upset About (Concisely)

Be direct in stating what you are upset about, and why[iv]. Vague hints, passive aggressive comments and saying "I'm mad at you" without explaining why do not lead to effective conflict resolution.

State what the issue is plainly and concisely, eg "when you do X I feel Y". Many of the couples in the studies thought that being concise and getting to the point was a very important part of conflict resolution[v]. Doing so allows you to get the issue resolved first time, rather than leaving things unresolved and creating resentment. Knowing what you are upset about and expressing that will help you to get to the bottom of things.

Rule #3: No Ultimatums

This is about times when one spouse tries to force another to do what they want, eg "If you don't do X, then I'll Y". But it can also be when one spouse forces the other to deal with an issue totally on their own terms, eg "You have until tonight to deal with X or I'll be really mad" or "I don't care if you're tired from work—we have to deal with this NOW".

Threats and ultimatums are unfair- they place too much focus on your own needs, while making your spouse feel cornered and forced into doing what you want (rather than actually agreeing with you)[vi]. This kind of behavior destroys trust and intimacy and creates a lot of resentment.

Instead, aim to express your concerns in a way that is firm but still gives your spouse the choice in how to respond, and be considerate of their situation before making demands. You should be aiming for your spouse wanting to agree with you rather than feeling coerced.

Now please keep in mind that this does not stop you from setting boundaries. For example, “Until you are able to speak to me respectfully, I will not continue this conversation.” The difference between a boundary and an ultimatum is that an ultimatum is more about manipulation or control whereas a properly executed boundary is about lovingly advising someone of the terms under which you are happy to be in relationship with them. One is a threat: the other is about respect.

Rule #4: No Bringing Up Past (Resolved) Issues

Bringing up past issues to add to your argument in the current conflict is distracting, makes the issue harder to resolve and often leads to "scorekeeping" where you both list past grievances. If this is happening, you need to work on forgiveness, and on properly resolving issues the first time around (or raising them when they actually happen rather than bringing them up days/weeks later)[vii].

Sometimes this is called sandbagging because you start piling on a whole bunch of issues. The difficulty here is that if you overwhelm your spouse you may win by virtue of having the most weight in the argument but you’ll lose because they can’t possibly dig themselves out of all of that so they’ll just find a way to bail out.

It’s really helpful to focus in on the main issue that you need to resolve at the moment: stay with that, find closure, take a break and then decide if you really need to come back to other issues as well.

Rule #5: Try to Understand

When both spouses are looking at things solely from their own point of view, it's easy for both of you to think you are being treated unfairly. This often means that the conflict will end with one of you feeling like you have "lost", leading to resentment.

But if both spouses make some effort to see the situation from their spouse's perspective, you are likely to be able to be more considerate of their needs and viewpoint. This leads to easier resolution of conflict, and when you see that your spouse is trying to understand your viewpoint, you feel validated and this creates intimacy.]

Rule #6: Avoid Overwhelm

Actually, this rule came out of the research more in terms of the words, “Be rational”. But I wanted to avoid saying it that way because everybody gets upset to some degree during conflict. That’s why it’s called conflict instead of a discussion.

What I think we really need to work on is avoiding overwhelm so that you can stay engaged with your own brain and also stay engaged with your spouse. Avoiding overwhelm is about really moving towards connection (both within yourself and between yourselves).

Staying grounded will help you be clearer in what you say. This can include things like[viii]:

Not exaggerating how important an issue is or getting overly angry

Make it clear what the issue is and how it has affected you

Making sure you are not being influenced by other factors- eg angry about something else, stressed after a busy day etc

Not arguing for the sake of arguing, or continuing to disagree when you are clearly wrong

Rule #7: Taking Concerns Seriously

It is unfair not to take your spouse's concerns seriously, even if you do not see them as being important. Acting like your spouse's concerns are unimportant to you, stonewalling them, or dismissing their concerns are all likely to escalate the conflict by creating a demand-withdraw cycle. Even if you don't think an issue is important, acknowledge that it is meaningful to your spouse, and try to understand why.

Part of this is giving your spouse your full attention, and conveying that you are listening through body language and nonverbal cues. This is about being attuned to your spouse.

Rule #8: Honesty

Almost all couples from the research valued honesty during conflict[ix]. Conflict becomes unfair and difficult when one (or both) of you aren't giving the full picture, are manipulating facts to suit your side of the argument, or withholding important info.

Often conflict can be avoided if both of you understand the full picture and have all the same information, so make sure you are being fully honest and transparent. Honestly (but calmly) expressing your emotions is also important.

Another side to honesty is being honest about whether the conflict is resolved to your satisfaction. Pretending to be happy with the resolution, or going along with what your spouse says while secretly resenting them is not fair and often leads to bitterness.

Rule #9: Joint Resolution

Aim for a fair resolution that you are both happy with, even when this is hard to find. Seeing yourselves as together and on the same side, rather than trying to win the argument, is the best way to do this.

Be willing to compromise and put your spouse's needs before your own if necessary (that is the principle of generosity at work). If you both look at conflict this way, a fair result is much more likely. This joint mentality is also good for increasing intimacy and trust within the marriage.

Rule #10: Saying Sorry... and Forgiving

Admitting when you are wrong is one of the key themes from the research[x]. Continuing to argue and not backing down when you are clearly in the wrong is unfair as it prolongs conflict needlessly. Admitting when you are wrong and apologizing helps built trust, and also makes your spouse more likely to admit their own wrongs as well.

The flip side to this is genuinely forgiving your spouse when they have wronged you. Forgiveness is consistently found to be one of the most important ingredients in a successful marriage[xi].

Are You Agreed on the Rules?

So those are our ten rules. What do you think? Are there a couple of ideas in there that could help you resolve confli

What Is Ejaculatory Control?

According to one source, 75% of men ejaculate within two minutes of penetration. Not surprisingly, 88% of men report some concern over ejaculating too quickly, and almost all men (99% in one study) use some kind of strategy to delay ejaculation. If you are searching for how to control orgasm timing during sex, you are far from alone.

Ejaculatory control is the ability to influence when you reach orgasm during sex. The related term, ejaculatory latency, refers to the time between penetration and ejaculation. When that window feels too short, or when it is affecting the quality of sex for you and your wife, it becomes a problem worth addressing [i].

The clinical term is premature ejaculation, though it is not always cleanly defined. By one widely used definition, premature ejaculation is only a problem if you or your wife feel it is affecting your sex life. Given that 88% of men carry some concern about this, it is worth understanding what the research actually says about what works, what does not, and what most men are missing entirely.

At the request of one of our patrons, we went into the research literature to find out whether ejaculatory latency can be reliably extended. The short answer is yes. But the longer answer, which we will get to, is that the most effective path may not be the one you expect.

A Quick Physiological Primer

Before we look at strategies, it helps to understand a little about how arousal and ejaculation work. Sexual arousal moves through roughly four stages: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution [viii].

During the excitement phase, blood flow increases, muscles begin to tense, and heart rate rises. In the plateau phase, everything intensifies and you approach the point of no return. Orgasm is the peak: a series of nerve and muscle responses that produce ejaculation. Resolution is the return to baseline, including the refractory period where arousal is temporarily not possible.

Most ejaculatory control strategies work by interrupting the transition from plateau to orgasm, giving you more time in the plateau phase. Understanding this helps explain why some strategies work better than others, and why the mental and emotional dimensions matter more than most men realize.

Strategies That Research Actually Supports

A couple of notes before we get into these. First, this is a complex issue. Think of this article as a primer. Sex therapy really is a specialty within the counseling field, and there are books, resources, and therapists who can go much deeper with you. We are aiming primarily at husbands who are doing reasonably well during sex but feel they could improve the sexual satisfaction in their marriage with better ejaculatory control.

Second, while some of these strategies seem straightforward, the interaction between physical, psychological, and relational factors makes this more nuanced than most articles let on. Stay with us to the end, because we are going to go a couple of layers deeper on everything.

Regular Sex and Ejaculatory Latency

A research study in 1984 [ii] found a link between long periods of abstinence from sex and lower ejaculatory latency. Longer stretches without sex cause men to ejaculate at lower levels of arousal. More regular sexual activity can help with ejaculatory control.

This is where it gets complex immediately. If sex has not been going well because of this issue, your wife probably does not want more of the same experience. While we titled this "A Husband's Guide," a problem like this is best faced as a couple. Talking through what is happening and finding a way forward together is part of the solution, not just a preliminary step.

Medication for Ejaculatory Control

Various medications exist to improve ejaculatory control, such as the pill vardenafil and the topical spray PSD502. Both have research showing they increase ejaculatory latency and overall sexual satisfaction [iii]. These medications can also reduce performance anxiety, which is often just as important as the direct physical effect. Minor side effects such as headaches or indigestion are sometimes reported.

If this issue is significantly affecting your marriage, seeing a doctor about medication could be a practical first step while you work on the relational and psychological dimensions alongside it.

Physical Techniques: Stop-Start, Squeeze, and What Research Found

Most men attempt some form of physical strategy to delay ejaculation. The research catalogued a wide range of these, including trying different positions, withdrawing briefly, changing speed or intensity, drinking small amounts of alcohol before sex, doing pelvic floor relaxation exercises, and even applying ice (4% of the sample tried this) [v].

Two techniques have the most clinical support:

The stop-start method, first described by James Semans in 1956, involves stimulating yourself (or being stimulated by your partner) until you are close to orgasm, then stopping all stimulation for about 30 seconds. Once the urgency passes, you resume. This trains your body to spend more time in the plateau phase without tipping into orgasm. You may also hear this called "edging," though in a marriage context the purpose is not just sensation control but learning to stay present and connected during sex rather than racing toward a finish line.

The squeeze method works similarly. When you feel close to orgasm, you or your wife firmly squeeze just below the head of the penis for several seconds. This reduces the urge to ejaculate. After the sensation subsides, stimulation resumes.

Pelvic floor exercises (sometimes called Kegels for men) have some evidence suggesting they can help with ejaculatory control by strengthening the muscles involved in ejaculation. The research on this is less robust than for the stop-start and squeeze methods, but some men find it helpful as a supplementary practice.

Interestingly, the research found very little correlation between which strategies men thought were helpful and which ones actually helped [vi]. It is one of those situations where nobody really wants to talk about it, so men end up using whatever strategies they happen to hear about. The physical strategies with the most reliable evidence were:

The stop-start method (withdrawing briefly during intercourse, then continuing)

Drinking small amounts of alcohol before sex

Experimenting with different positions

Using a condom

Thrusting in a circular motion

Even among these, there was high variance. What helps one man may not help another, suggesting personal circumstances matter a great deal. And here is the important part: the overall effect sizes for physical strategies were much smaller than for the psychological and relational factors. That tells us something.

Why Distracting Thoughts Do Not Work

Perhaps on the more humorous end of the spectrum are distracting thoughts. A 1997 study [iv] found that 74% of men used mental distractions to delay ejaculation. Most used "sex neutral" thoughts (thinking about work, for example). One participant reported singing the national anthem in his head. Some used "sex negative" thoughts, including thinking about unpleasant scenarios, to reduce arousal.

Here is the clinical reframe on this: when you are doing mental gymnastics to avoid ejaculating, you are not present with your wife. You have left the room mentally. You are managing your body as a mechanical problem rather than engaging with the person in front of you. This disconnection is not just a side effect of the strategy; it may actually be making things worse by feeding the cycle of performance anxiety.

The Real Driver: Where You Put Your Attention During Sex

This is where we get closer to the heart of the issue, and where the research tells us something most men are not hearing anywhere else.

A 2005 study by Hartmann, Schedlowski, and Kruger [vii] examined the thought patterns of men during sex, specifically comparing men who struggled with ejaculatory control and men who reported good control.

The findings were striking. Men who struggled with ejaculatory control were preoccupied with anxiety about trying to delay the orgasm, monitoring their own arousal level, and worrying about performance. Their attention was turned inward, focused on control and fear of failure.

Men who reported good ejaculatory control had a completely different mental posture. Their thoughts were focused on their own arousal (in a present, engaged way, not an anxious monitoring way) and on their wife's experience: what she was feeling, how to meet her needs, how to connect more deeply during the encounter.

What this means in practice is counterintuitive but clinically consistent with what we see in our work with couples: the more a man fixates on trying not to ejaculate, the harder it becomes to control. The more he shifts his focus toward his wife, toward connection, toward being present in the moment, the more naturally ejaculatory control follows.

This makes physiological sense. Performance anxiety activates the sympathetic nervous system, your body's fight-or-flight response. When the sympathetic system is running, everything accelerates, including ejaculation. Shifting your attention to connection and pleasure activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which slows things down and allows you to stay in the plateau phase longer.

In our practice, the men who make the most lasting progress with ejaculatory control tend to be the ones who make a relational shift, not just a technique shift. They stop treating sex as a performance and start treating it as an encounter with another person. That change in orientation does more than any single technique we have seen.

Pulling It All Together

Technique has a place in this. If you are only having sex a couple of times a month and you are middle-aged or younger and in good health, yes, it is going to go fast when you do have sex. The stop-start method can help....

The same old arguments … the same old cycle. In the marriage counseling world, we call these negative interaction cycles. The topic or concern or issue may change but it’s usually the same pattern: one spouse is more demanding or trying to get a response and the other avoids or dismisses or withdraws. And then it escalates from there. Today, we’re going to help you get started on breaking out of this pattern!

The Three Cycles

There’s really just three kinds of cycles. The most common is where one spouse is pursuing or demanding or attacking; the other spouse is avoiding, dismissive or withdrawing. Sometimes called the attack-withdraw or demand-withdraw cycle. The second is where both spouses typically go on the attack. The third is where both spouses avoid. Let’s break these down a little bit.

The Demand-Withdraw Cycle

In this form, one spouse (classically the wife, although occasionally I see this in reverse) tries to engage in a discussion about an issue that is important to him or her. They will typically make demands or apply pressure. The automatic response of the other spouse is to avoid, dismiss or withdraw from the discussion[i].

This often leads to escalation, as the demanding spouse feels ignored or unheard and so has to resort to increasingly strong forms of attack in order to try to break through the defenses. Unfortunately, the withdrawing spouse, in the face of an intensified attack, will often double down on the defense and withdraw even more, often stonewalling the attacker.

This will continue until either the attacker gives up which is a profoundly lonely moment for him or her, or until the withdrawer explodes.

This style of conflict is not good for marital satisfaction (no surprise there).

The Mutually-Hostile Approach

In this approach, typically both spouses are pursuers or attackers. You respond to criticism with further criticism and with a conscious or subconscious agenda to provoke an angry response. As you might expect, this often escalates and usually just becomes an anger-venting, cathartic experience rather than one that actually solves problems and resolves conflict[ii].

While this may be a more frightening approach to conflict, and certainly doesn’t do much good for either of you, it is at least easier to break out of than the common demand-withdraw pattern. Simply because both spouses want to express themselves (which is helpful) and work on the issue at hand. It simply becomes a matter of figuring out a more productive way to do so[iii].

Avoid-Avoid

The third pattern is where both spouses are avoiding or are naturally withdrawers. In this situation, there’s no major overt conflict and no screaming matches but typically nothing ever gets resolved. Unfortunately, this leads to a buildup of resentment as all these unresolved issues grow and grow[iv].

Now it is important to note that your style may change. For example, if you started out your marriage avoid-avoid you may eventually find one person transitions to pursuing. Or both of you get so frustrated that you become mutually hostile.

One shift I see more commonly is in the demand-withdraw cycle (the common one we began with), the pursuer gets burnt out. Then they often come in as an avoid-avoid situation in therapy and when we do our history and assessment work at the start I soon begin to see that it used to be demand-withdraw but then eventually the pursuing spouse got burnt out.

All of these cycles are more common in couples whose marriage is distressed: if things are going badly and there’s a lot of tension and unresolved anger then falling into a negative cycle is much easier. As you’d probably expect, each of these cycles creates further distress in the marriage[v].

How To Break Out of Conflict Patterns

Ok, now let’s talk about how to break out of these cycles. First by looking at the wider context of marriage then with some specific skills.

Equalize Power Imbalances

A study done in 1993[vi] argue that the demand-withdraw cycle of conflict is particularly likely if there is an imbalance of power within the marriage. For example, if the husband has more decision making power in the marriage then he will not be motivated to change anything, so will naturally withdraw when the wife raises an issue she wants him to change. He does not have to fight for his position because he already feels he owns it.

On the other hand, if your wife has less power this means that trying to engage you in conflict may be the only way she can get her needs met. Developing a more equal relationship and a collaborative mindset can help resolve this.

Resentment and Unresolved Issues

If there are many grievances that have been left unresolved or if one spouse perceives the marriage as unfair in some way, then resentment is likely to build. Resentment itself is likely to make you as a couple use more negative conflict styles[vii]. Addressing these past issues and solving minor complaints before they build up can be an effective way to avoid unhelpful cycles. Just keep on top of things: don’t let them build.

Consider Attributions

We’ve talked about how attributions or interpretations can affect your marriage before. The meaning you attribute to your spouse's actions has an impact on what kind of conflict interactions you are likely to use. Interpreting their actions negatively can increase hostility and the likelihood of using negative conflict styles.

For example, when your husband comes home late and misses dinner, if you as the wife interpret this as "he is thoughtless and doesn't care about keeping his promises” this makes falling into a hostile conflict cycle much more likely. Conversely, interpreting the same situation as "he was probably caught in traffic" is much less likely to lead to conflict[viii].

Working on challenging your negative attributions and trying to interpret your spouse's actions more positively can help you break out of negative cycles and choose different ways of responding. The idea here is to just mentally “pause” yourself for a minute before you respond, stopping to see if you’re really assessing the situation fairly, or whether you’re heading in a direction that will lead to conflict.

Use Conflict Resolution Skills from EFCT

Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) is the treatment methodology of choice at OnlyYouForever for our marriage therapists. In fact, this approach is so effective I will not hire a marriage therapist unless they are trained in it. EFCT is very effective in helping couples identify and break out of these negative interaction cycles. Here are the key points as to how that works[ix]:

Identifying the cycle and seeing it as the problem, rather than each other.

Identifying and expressing the underlying emotions and unmet needs which are trying to be expressed through the conflict

Each spouse accepting the other's experience and perspective.

Express needs in relation to the original conflict, in order to restructure the cycle of interaction based on new perspectives and emotions.

Form new ways of dealing with conflict based on these new perspectives

As we touched on earlier, these are covered in more detail in today’s bonus content or if you really wish to learn how to do this on your own in your marriage head on over to our website and go to the marriage counseling link at the top of the page and one of our specialized marriage therapists would be happy to work with you.

Essential Problem Solving Skills

An alternative or complementary way to break out of negative cycles comes from a CBT perspective. This involves learning new skills to express your own needs more effectively, and getting better at supporting your spouse rather than making things worse for them. Some key points include:

Learning ways to express stress and frustration more effectively, without coming across as hostile or blaming. Eg I/You statements: "When you do X, I feel Y"

Learning to observe and recognize your spouse's emotional state: paying attention to verbal/nonverbal cues to identify when they are stressed or when you have upset them.

Learning individual and joint coping skills: such as learning how to calm your spouse down/relieve stress when they are upset. Also learning how to manage stress yourself, so that you can respond more calmly during conflict and de-escalate situations.

Becoming more aware of your thought processes. Learning to examine your assumptions, interpretations and emotions before you speak and act based on them. This gives you the choice of whether to act based on impulses which might escalate conflict, or whether to prioritize the marriage (i.e., the sense of ‘us’ vs. ‘me’)

So those are all pretty useful things to be working on too. A study back in 1985[x] examined which of these approaches to conflict resolution (EFCT or CBT) was the most effective. They found that both are effective in reducing marital discord and conflict, and increasing intimacy, but that EFCT was significantly better.

So learning to spot the cycles and understand the underlying needs/emotions is the best way to resolve conflict, but learning communication and coping skills can help too.

References

[i] C. L. Heavey, C. Layne, and A. Christensen, “Gender and Conflict Structure in Marital Interaction: A Replication and Extension,” Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 61, no. 1 (February 1993): 16–27.

[ii] Lynn F. Katz and John M. Gottman, “Patterns of Marital Conflict Predict Children’s Internalizing and Externalizing Behaviors.,” Developmental Psychology 29, no. 6 (1993): 940.

[iii] Heavey, Layne, and Christensen, “Gender and Conflict Structure in Marital Interaction.”

[iv] Frank D. Fincham, Steven R. H. Beach, and Joanne Davila, “Longitudinal Relations between Forgiveness and Conflict Resolution in Marriage,” Journal of Family Psychology: JFP: Journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the Amer

There are a constellation of marriage-promoting behaviors packed into the Biblical instruction for husbands to honor their wives. Today, we’re launching from a simple phrase in the Bible that instructs husbands to show honor to their wives to demonstrate how a host of research-backed findings are encapsulated in this truth.

Our podcasts are not sermons — I am a professional marriage counselor, but in serving my church community and affiliation I do get involved in a fair bit of preaching. Today, we’re going to be looking at how one Bible verse — actually, just a phrase or part of one Bible verse — can be unpacked into a host of marriage-promoting behaviors.

It’s another example of how the Bible holds some practical, life-changing truth. In this case, the phrase is an instruction to husbands to give or “Show honor to your wife” and is found in 1 Peter 3:7.

Respecting Your Wife

Within marriage, honoring your wife is meant to be an unconditional act of showing value to her because of the place she has in your life. While respect is earned, honor is given. And in this case given because of her role, not because of what she does.

The challenge then is to give her honor even when it is difficult and even when you do not feel she deserves it. I am not asking you to accept your wife’s misbehavior or to condone or support things she may do that are hurtful or destructive, but part of how marriage is sustained through commitment and loyalty is by this principle of honor.

This means that even in difficult times and even with marriage difficulties that you interact with and treat your wife in a respectful, honorable way.

Ways to Show Honor

What does that look like? Let’s unpack this idea of showing respect a little more and look at how research supports this truth.

Faithfulness

Being faithful and loyal to your wife is an important part of honoring her. Obviously, this means not cheating on her: that would certainly not be honoring!

But there's much more to faithfulness than just avoiding infidelity[i]. Husbands also honor their wives by:

Avoiding "emotional affairs”: too much reliance on emotional intimacy with a woman other than your spouse[ii].

Not ogling other women: in real life, on TV, using porn etc. is likewise not honoring or being faithful to your wife, and will have very negative consequences for your marriage[iii].

Genuine faithfulness is about not placing anyone (or anything) else above your spouse (emotionally or sexually) and making sure your spouse gets "the best of you"[iv]. So one way to show honor is through faithfulness.

Public and Private Praise

Another way to show honor to your wife is through praising her: both praising her when you are alone and when you are in public.

Private Praise is Honoring

Giving praise and compliments to your wife, and expressing gratitude for what she does, are great ways to show honor. This should be a mix of specific compliments and recognition of what she does, and also praising and admiring who she is[v].

When giving praise, it is helpful to try to keep thinking of new things, rather than expressing the same things over and over, and express it in a way that is genuine rather than forced or rote[vi]. Expressions of gratitude and admiration are strongly linked to higher marital satisfaction, commitment, and overall happiness for both spouses[vii].

Public Praise is Honoring As Well

Husbands should also talk about their wives to other people in a way that is honoring: both when the wife is present and when she is not. This not only is a blessing to your marriage and reinforces your positive perspective of your wife, but can also be helpful in preventing extra-marital affairs.

Praising your wife in this way includes things like[viii]:

Praising and speaking well of her to others

Siding with her, not friends or family

Siding with her in parenting issues, especially in front of the kids

It also means there are certain things you are going to take up in private rather than public, in order to maintain your public honoring of her:

Not complaining about her to friends/family

Raising issues and concerns in private, not in front of other people. (This is reflecting in the Bible too, in Matthew 18:15)

I got thinking about this “not complaining” part. It is an interesting one because it happens a lot and it is easy to do. I think the core issue with complaining about your wife to someone else is that, really, you are most likely just looking for validation of your perspective and someone to commiserate with you.

Basically, that’s just throwing your wife under the bus because it doesn’t solve anything. If you guys are stuck on something, a far more productive approach would be to find a friend who you think can help, and both of you go to that person together and explain the situation as a problem between you, not just a flaw your wife has. If you do not have someone like that in your lives, seek them out. It needs to be someone who is on the side of your marriage, not just on your side. A qualified marriage therapist is a good option if you feel it is a deeper issue you need to address: certainly feel free to reach out to us at only you forever dot com too.

When you offer public praise, it strengthens the relationship and also improves other people's perception of your relationship, which is beneficial for your marriage too.

Understand and Seek to Meet Her Needs

Just before the phrase instructing husbands to honor their wives is the phrase “dwell with her according to knowledge”. This is also very helpful towards this goal of honoring your wife because part of how your honor her is by really getting to know her and understand what her needs are. And then seeking to meet those needs. You’ll do this by:

Listening to and taking an interest in her passions, worries, interests etc

Being able to show empathy and validating what she feels even if you don't feel the same way

Learning how to respond to her in a way that makes her feel supported and loved

As you might expect, understanding and showing attentiveness to needs is strongly linked to marital happiness and is the strongest predictor of couples finding joy in their relationship[ix].

Serving Her is Honoring Her

Finally, we have a parallel instruction in Ephesians 5:26, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

Just as the Lord Jesus was a servant-hearted leader, husbands can lead their marriage by putting their wife's needs before their own. Part of this is putting her practical needs before your own. But it can also involve what you say: for example, choosing not to respond angrily if she upsets you, and choosing to prioritize the marriage and her needs over your own in conflict situations. In that case, you’re emphasizing “us” before “me”.

As well, in reference to how you respond: choosing to see the need behind the angry comments during conflict and putting those needs above your desire to retaliate is well documented as an effective way to resolve conflict and create intimacy[x]. This is another way that you can honor her and bless your marriage as a result.

So, hopefully we have given you a lot to think about. As always, if you need help from one of our professional Christian marriage therapists, feel free to reach out to us!

References

[i] George P. Fletcher, Loyalty: An Essay on the Morality of Relationships (Oxford University Press, 1995).

[ii] Ronald T. Potter-Efron and Patricia S. Potter-Efron, The Emotional Affair: How to Recognize Emotional Infidelity and What to Do about It (New Harbinger  Publications, 2009).

[iii] Tracy L. Tylka and Ashley M. Kroon Van Diest, “You Looking at Her ‘Hot’ Body May Not Be ‘Cool’ for Me: Integrating Male Partners’ Pornography Use into Objectification Theory for Women,” Psychology of Women Quarterly 39, no. 1 (March 1, 2015): 67–84, https://doi.org/10.1177/0361684314521784.

[iv] Fletcher, Loyalty.

[v] Kennon M. Sheldon and Sonja Lyubomirsky, “Is It Possible to Become Happier?(And If so, How?),” Social and Personality Psychology Compass 1, no. 1 (2007): 129–45.

[vi] Sheldon and Lyubomirsky.

[vii] Nathaniel M. Lambert and Frank D. Fincham, “Expressing Gratitude to a Partner Leads to More Relationship Maintenance Behavior,” Emotion (Washington, D.C.) 11, no. 1 (February 2011): 52–60, https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021557.

[viii] Christopher R. Agnew, Social Influences on Romantic Relationships: Beyond the Dyad (Cambridge University Press, 2014).

[ix] Alyson Fearnley Shapiro, John M. Gottman, and Sybil Carrere, “The Baby and the Marriage: Identifying Factors That Buffer against Decline in Marital Satisfaction after the First Baby Arrives,” Journal of Family Psychology 14, no. 1 (March 2000): 59–70.

[x] Shelley Dean Kilpatrick, Victor L. Bissonnette, and Caryl E. Rusbult, “Empathic Accuracy and Accommodative Behavior among Newly Married Couples,” Personal Relationships 9, no. 4 (n.d.): 369–93, https://doi.org/10.1111/1475-6811.09402.

One of the concerns that often comes up in premarital counselling is from a couple where there are different amounts of sexual experience. Even apart from the moral concerns this may prompt are the fears, uncertainties, and doubts of what sexual intimacy may look like when you get married.

For those of you that are new to this podcast, Verlynda and I are born-again believers but I’d say we are the non-judging variety, and we come to marriage with the belief that it comes as a gift from God, but we also believe that marriage is for all people, not just for Christians. As such, our podcasts are not preachy and they are usually not even very pastoral. We take an integrated approach between our Christian worldview and current research to bring you the best truth and wisdom for your marriage.

But most of our readers are followers of Jesus Christ, and one of the Biblical values that we adhere to is that sex is reserved for marriage. The reason for that is not because God is prudish and likes to take pleasure away from people, but for a few reasons.

First, we believe that God gets to set the rules.

Second, we believe that the best sex happens in the marriage bed. Or should…that may not be your experience, but the research has shown that happily married couples are indeed having the best sex: moreso than singles or cohabiting couples.

Finally, while sex in any context may bring pleasure, we are going to see again today that the only place where loving, consensual sex is most likely to be free of complications is inside marriage.

So that’s just a little primer on where we are coming from on this episode. Let’s point out that if you’re virgins and not married, this is another reason why we recommend waiting for marriage. But if you’re coming to marriage and you’re not a virgin, we’re not here to shame you. There are likely to be some consequences but God is a God of redemption and grace. So we’re not here to shame or judge you, just to help you create a thriving passionate marriage. After all, none of us comes to marriage perfect. We all have brokenness.

Let’s begin by acknowledging some of the struggles that may come in a situation like this.

How Premarital Sex Can Impact Marriage

A quick touch of background theory: in social psychology exchange theory is a commonly used way of understanding how people act. And exchange theory views relationships in terms of give and take. The basic premise is that people are happiest when the reward they get from a relationship is higher than what they have to put into it (the cost).

When it comes to marriages, sexual satisfaction is determined by four factors:

Reward (pleasure, intimacy)

Cost (having to do things you don't want, differences in sexual desire or preference)

Comparison of rewards (how the rewards of the current relationship compare to past relationships- is sex with your spouse more or less satisfying?)

Comparison of costs (how the costs of the marriage compare to past relationships)

Now, this is going to look a bit different depending on your past sexual experience, if any. For the virgin spouse there is no comparison to previous partners, so 3 and 4 don't apply: sexual satisfaction is totally determined by the current relationship. Anxiety about lack of sexual experience or about being compared to previous partners may contribute to the "costs" of the relationship for the virgin spouse and make sex less enjoyable initially.

For a non-virgin spouse, satisfaction will be partly determined by how the current sex compares to previous partners. This can go either way: if sex was high in reward with previous partners then current sexual satisfaction may suffer, but if prior sex was higher in cost than the current sex (e.g., past partners wanted to have sex in ways you didn't enjoy, or weren't good at responding to your needs) then sexual satisfaction in the marriage may be higher.

What we’re acknowledging here is that it is hard to get away from the comparison thing. But hold that thought…we’ll have some better news for you on that later.

Premarital Sex Can Impact Current Sexual Functioning

This is not the case for all, but for some it may be. Depending on the timing of when you get married, and when the non-virgin spouse first had sex, some kinds of sexual performance issues may be present.

Both having sex at an early age (mid-teens) and not having sex until later (mid-twenties onwards) can lead to issues in men such as difficulty getting aroused, premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction[i].

And you can imagine that for a virgin spouse, if his or her experienced spouse has difficulty getting aroused this is likely to increase their anxiety and fear of being compared to previous partners.

It Takes Time to Align Experience and Understand Needs

In this situation potential problems can occur due to a mismatch in your differing levels of experience. Your experienced fiancée may bring to the marriage bed an understanding of how to meet your needs. As the virgin, it’s normal for you to have little idea of how to meet your spouse's sexual needs. In fact, you may not even have much idea of what your own needs are either. This could make sex less enjoyable for both spouses, at least initially. But this is a difference that can pass.

The non-virgin likely has a better idea of their own needs and preferences. This could make sex more enjoyable for them if they are able/willing to communicate their needs to their spouse. However, since the non-virgin already knows what they like, they may be less interested in finding out what their spouse's needs and desires are, and have sex-focused entirely on how they want it to be. So that’s something to be aware of if you’re on the non-virgin side of this.

While we have mentioned some very real challenges I want to encourage you to look at the long view on this. Yes, it can certainly create some additional complexities and even fairly serious challenges at the start of marriage, but overall, one spouse not being a virgin has a small negative effect on the likelihood of having a sexually satisfying marriage. In one study, the researcher found that for every additional partner a person has before marriage, the odds of them being sexually satisfied during marriage decrease by 3.9%. So unless one spouse had a LOT of sexual partners before marriage it's unlikely to have much of an impact.

Play the Long Game

Research consistently shows that sexual satisfaction is highest among married couples. This is due to couples increasing in intimacy over time, and also getting better at understanding and responding to each other's needs and preferences over time. Commitment, trust and intimacy are typically higher in married couples than other relationships. All of those factors (commitment, trust and intimacy) positively affect sexual satisfaction.

According to exchange theory, the tendency to compare your partner to others is negatively correlated with commitment levels. Once you are fully committed to a relationship (which would hopefully be the case by the time you get married), there is no longer any reason to compare your current partner to potential alternatives. So levels of comparing your spouse to previous sexual partners will normally be minimal, and will only get less and less over time.

So overall, the potential problems caused by one spouse not being a virgin are likely only going to affect the start of the marriage.

Strategies For Handling Different Levels of Sexual Experience

Learn About Sex

If you, as the virgin spouse, are concerned about your lack of knowledge and understanding of sex, learn about it! Premarital counseling that gives practical advice on sex has a positive impact on improving sexual satisfaction and reducing performance issues[ii].

As well, read some books on sex to educate yourself beyond the basics that you learned during health education in school. And, as always, learn to communicate with your spouse about sex as well.

Be Sensitive

If you are both Christians, it's pretty likely that your non-virgin spouse feels some level of guilt and shame about their past sexual experiences[iii]. So be sensitive when talking about it. That can be difficult to do if you see their experience as depriving you of something.

But: are there ways you can view their experience redemptively? God has forgiven; can you get on board with that too?

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is one of the reasons marital sex is better than non marital sex[iv]. So don't worry too much about your own lack of practical experience.  Instead, focus on creating a healthy and intimate marriage. Good sex naturally follows from this!

References

[i] Theo G.M. Sandfort et al., “Long-Term Health Correlates of Timing of Sexual Debut: Results From a National US Study,” American Journal of Public Health 98, no. 1 (January 2008): 155–61, https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2006.097444.

[ii] Bilgin Kıray Vural and Ayla Bayık Temel, “Effectiveness of Premarital Sexual Counselling Program on Sexual Satisfaction of Recently Married Couples,” Sexual Health 6, no. 3 (2009): 222–32.

[iii] Sandra L. Murray et al., “For Better or Worse? Self-Esteem and the Contingencies of Acceptance in Marriage,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 32, no. 7 (July 2006): 866–80.

[iv] Sherie Christensen, “The Effects of Premarital Sexual Promiscuity on Subsequent Marital Sexual Satisfaction,” All Theses and Dissertations, June 25, 2004, https://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/etd/138.

Infertility is the inability to conceive a child after at least 1 year of trying. Turns out about 10% of US couples experience infertility, and of those, about half will eventually conceive while the other half remain permanently infertile[i]. That’s actually a pretty high number: 1 in 10 couples struggle with this issue, 1 in 20 permanently face it.

Challenges of Infertility

As anyone who is going through this themselves will know, infertility can be a hard thing to live with. I want to begin by normalizing some of the strain that infertility puts on marriages[ii]:

Meaning. Many couples see having children as a natural part of marriage, and being unexpectedly unable to do so affects their sense of meaning and purpose in life.

Expectations. Similarly, much of society sees having children as the norm, so being unable may lead to disapproval from family and friends, and high levels of pressure to conceive. 83% of couples feel some form of pressure to conceive, most commonly from their spouse or parents, or from friends and other family members.

Blame and guilt. The spouse who is experiencing the infertility problems may feel high levels of guilt and shame at the distress they are causing to their spouse

Physical. Taking treatment for infertility can be physically demanding and can also lead to sexual performance problems.

Financial. Seeking help from doctors can take up a lot of time and also cost a lot.

These are real issues. But as far as your marriage goes, it is how you deal with these challenges that determines whether or not infertility will affect your marriage, and the quality of your life overall.

Research shows that infertility can negatively impact marriage, but can also bring unexpected positives. 25% of women and 21% of men reported that their marriage had become stronger and they had been drawn closer together as a result of the infertility, and over half of couples can identify at least some benefits to their marriage as a result[iii].

This is the kind of thing that really gets me excited about marriage because here’s pretty much a major life blow and yet it’s in the context of a loving marriage that it can be reframed into some positives.

We are going to talk about how to be sure that it turns out to be a positive in your marriage, despite the grief and loss associated with it. However, let’s talk about a couple of the negative consequences first just so we’re aware of some potential pitfalls.

Possible Negative Consequences of Infertility

Primarily we need to pay attention to the impact on marital and/or sexual satisfaction.

Marital Satisfaction and Infertility

Infertility sometimes has a negative impact on marital quality. This effect is strongest for women but can also impact men[iv]. Stress caused by infertility can increase marital conflict, reduce self-esteem, and reduce overall happiness and quality of life.

Why is this negative effect stronger for women? A study in 1992[v] looked into this and found that for men, the stress of infertility was no different to other forms of marital stress and conflict. But for women, infertility created a different kind of stress that was more rooted in the woman's sense of identity and self-efficacy. Often women have a stronger desire to have children than their husbands, and hold motherhood as a strong part of their identity. So for men, infertility can be a stress that creates conflict and other burdens, but it often impacts women on a deeper level.

Researchers also note that stress and marital discord become more likely the longer the infertility problems go on[vi], which is understandable.

Infertility Can Also Impact Your Sex Life

Research is very mixed on whether infertility impacts sex and sexual satisfaction in married couples. Different studies find that it has negative effects, no effect or even positive effects[vii].

Depending on the cause of infertility, some men can experience reduced sex drive, or sexual performance issues. This can then negatively affect sex for both husband and wife as the man feels pressure to "perform" rather than being able to enjoy sex.

Some couples end up having sex that is purely "mechanical" and focused entirely on trying to conceive and lacking any enjoyment or intimacy[viii]. This is not sexy sex anymore, it’s just trying to get a job done.

That’s a tricky place to be in because you get recommendations about certain positions and tilting hips and lying there for a while afterward… that’s pretty mechanical and so naturally it is going to be a challenge to keep your heart in it along with those mechanical components.

Other studies[ix] found no effect of infertility on sexual satisfaction, while others report that increases in sexual frequency due to trying to conceive can actually increase satisfaction. Overall this suggests that while there may be some practical issues caused by infertility, by far the most important factor is the couple's attitude to sex and how they approach it.

How to Turn Infertility Into a Positive For Your Marriage

Think About How You Approach the Subject of Infertility

The way couples talk to each other about the issue has a big impact on marital intimacy and satisfaction.

On average, women desire to have a baby more strongly than their husbands and are more actively involved in trying to overcome infertility[x]. The more a husband desires to have a baby, is involved in trying to solve the infertility issue, and is willing to talk about trying to have a baby, the more supported his wife feels. If husbands are willing to talk and act in this way, wives often report feeling like their intimacy has increased as a result of the infertility problems.

In behind this, you’ll likely be challenged with shame. The “I can’t perform” for men, or “I can’t provide” kind of shame for women. It’s OK to acknowledge that shame. That’s a delicate one because there’s some truth but then there is the need to remember that while having children is a huge thing for many, we are actually defined as persons by far more than just our reproductive capability. There are more parts to us than that: and we may need to affirm or remind ourselves or our spouse of those other parts that are so much appreciated.

Talking About Infertility

Infertility creates an issue in the couple's lives which "forces" them to talk about important issues like their stress levels and emotional state, and their long-term desires for their life and marriage[xi]. Infertility can therefore increase a couple's intimacy by increasing their ability to talk about important issues and become more comfortable with emotional disclosure. That’s a tangible benefit and one way this challenge can have redemptive positives linked with it.

Different communication styles around the infertility issues were linked to high and low marital satisfaction. Styles linked to low satisfaction included[xii]:

Secrecy: keeping the infertility a secret from other people

Avoidant: throwing yourself into work or other pursuits to avoid facing the issue

Passive: hoping the issue will get better on its own, not engaging with any treatment or not talking about it

On the other hand, styles associated with increasing marital satisfaction:

Active confronting: talking about the issue, the treatment process and how it makes you feel. Also engaging with others and talking/asking for help from people outside the marriage

Emotional support: levels of emotions support provided by your spouse were linked to higher satisfaction, just like when dealing with any issue as a couple[xiii].

Meaning-based coping: trying to see positives in the situation and talking about finding meaning in other goals in life.

We’ve been pretty real with you today because we fell into the “infertility” definition ourselves for a while, too. It took us a while to make our first baby and we’re so thankful for three girls now. I guess we are in the 50% that eventually conceived. But it was long enough coming that a lot of what we looked at today on the challenging side became pretty real for us.

While not everyone will have the change in outcomes that we did, we hope that you will find some strength and encouragement in your marriage as you put in place some of the tools we’ve shared with you today.

References

[i] Manoj Monga et al., “Impact of Infertility on Quality of Life, Marital Adjustment, and Sexual Function,” Urology 63, no. 1 (2004): 126–30.

[ii] Monga et al.

[iii] Lone Schmidt et al., “Does Infertility Cause Marital Benefit?: An Epidemiological Study of 2250 Women and Men in Fertility Treatment,” Patient Education and Counseling 59, no. 3 (2005): 244–51.

[iv] F. M. Andrews, A. Abbey, and L. J. Halman, “Is Fertility-Problem Stress Different? The Dynamics of Stress in Fertile and Infertile Couples,” Fertility and Sterility 57, no. 6 (June 1992): 1247–53.

[v] Andrews, Abbey, and Halman.

[vi] Nili Benazon, John Wright, and StÉPhane Sabourin, “Stress, Sexual Satisfaction, and Marital Adjustment in Infertile Couples,” Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy 18, no. 4 (December 1, 1992): 273–84, https://doi.org/10.1080/00926239208412852.

[vii] Monga et al., “Impact of Infertility on Quality of Life, Marital Adjustment, and Sexual Function.”

[viii] Monga et al.

[ix] N. Bahrami et al., “Relation between Infertility and Sexual Satisfaction in Couples,” Journal of Qazvin University of Medical Sciences (JQUMS) 14, no. 2 (2010): 5–11.

[x] Lauri A. Pasch, Christine Dunkel-Schetter, and Andrew Christensen, “Differences between Husbands’ and Wives’ Approach to Infertility Affect Marital Communication and Adjustment,” Fertility and Sterility 77, no. 6 (2002): 1241–47.

[xi] Schmidt et al., “Does Infertility Cause Marital Benefit?: An Epidemiological Study of 2250 Women and Men in Fertility Treatment.”

[xii] Schmidt et al.

[xiii] A. Abbey, F. M....

Are you working from home, or thinking about working from home? In today’s episode, we want to show you how working from home could be a real positive for your marriage — but there are a few potential downsides that you need to be aware of too.

I’ve been working from home for a few years now, and Verlynda has been for much longer than I so we found this research pretty informative.

So does being in the home more help your marriage, or make things harder? Basically, the research suggests that the effect of working from home on marriage/family life is very subjective, depending on the type of work, the circumstances at home, and the personality and actions of the individual[i]. There are both potential upsides and downsides, and it's mainly up to the individual couple to make it work.

Work vs. Marriage

We did a full episode on work-family conflict but just to recap that quickly, when you are working from home it can be difficult to have distinct boundaries between work and family. You have the ability to deal with some family and marriage responsibilities and privileges during your workday and you also may choose to address some work matters during family time. Sometimes you may even find yourself functioning in both roles simultaneously[ii].

Further, it is easy for stress to spill over from one domain to the other. This carries a potentially negative impact and you can find yourself in a situation where work and marriage are competing for a limited amount of emotional and practical resources[iii].

Downsides of Working From Home (& What To Do About It)

The Isolation is Real

If you work from home and your spouse does not, it can become very lonely and isolating since you rarely see anyone else during the day. WFH can also result in a smaller social network and less perceived social support since there are less natural opportunities to interact with others. This can potentially lead to over-reliance on your spouse to meet all your social needs.

Individuals interviewed during a study in 2004[iv] compensated for this by being more intentional about developing social networks: for example by joining professional support networks of people in similar positions or being more intentional about connecting with friends and family.

Certain personality traits, such as introversion, autonomy, and high levels of self-motivation are also helpful (but not essential) in dealing with the isolated nature of working from home[v]. There are definitely certain people for whom working on your own comes more naturally, but most people can still make it work.

Where Do You Vent Your Stress?

When working from home it is much easier for work-related stress to impact marital and family relationships, since both roles are happening in the same place, possibly at the same time. It is therefore very important that home workers learn to manage stress and learn the skills needed to handle their work responsibilities effectively. A study in this in 2000[vi] identified self-discipline as being the most important trait for successful home working so that you are pointing your stress in the right direction and adhering to healthy coping and stress-reduction strategies.

The relationship could also go the other way: stress from the marriage (eg due to conflict) will have much more of an impact on work. Creating a stable, healthy marriage therefore also needs to be a priority for home workers.

Caring For Young Children

How do children affect this dynamic? Research in 2008[vii] found that for many mothers with young children, working from home could increase their stress levels. The demands of caring for young children significantly interfered with their ability to work and meant that they had no respite from either role since both were based on the home.

Family structure could alleviate some of this stress in some circumstances. For example, if both spouse work from home then sharing the childcare could become easier. Likewise, if parents or other family members live nearby and are willing to help with childcare then this is not as much of an issue.

Where Is Your Calm Place?

Individuals who work from home often find it hard to relax and switch off from work, since the home environment and workspace are the same. This can make it hard to relax and connect with your spouse when at home.

Here’s an anecdotal example from one study: "one of the women asked her colleagues ‘When you work outside of the home you come home to relax. Where do you go when you want to relax when you work at home?’ Their reply to this was laughter and calls of ‘Nowhere. Nowhere at all’[viii]"

Often when folks drive home they have a mental process of leaving work behind and transitioning into family and home mode. When the difference between work and home is just doorway or a few steps away, it can be hard to get fully into family mode.

Watch Those Working Hours

The blurred boundary between work and home can also lead to working longer hours. 50% of individuals who work from home said that their spouses complained that they work too much and that this negatively affected their relationship[ix].

Many individuals found that having a dedicated workspace such as a home office was essential for getting around these two issues. Some individuals find that moving their home office to an outside shed or attic made it easier to differentiate work time from family time as there is more of a separation. Setting strict boundaries about when to work and when to focus on your spouse/family is also very helpful and perhaps even essential for some.

Upsides to Working From Home (& How to Make The Most of Them)

The Flexibility is Sweet

Working from home is often practically easier and more comfortable due to less travel time, being in a familiar environment and having peace and quiet. Often WFH allows you to be more flexible in terms of hours worked, allowing you to find a good balance between work role and marriage/family roles.

If something comes up, you can sign off your work for the moment and go deal with it. Or if the kids get home from school and there’s a crisis you need to hear about or a success that you want to celebrate, you can do that and then finish up work later. That’s really cool to be able to do.

Better Relationships with Older Children

I didn’t realize this was a common benefit, but it makes sense. Couples with children over 12 often reported that working from home improved their relationships with their kids[x].

Older children need less constant supervision and care (hopefully!), so parent's work roles aren't as badly affected, allowing them to enjoy spending more time at home with the kids without it affecting work. Many couples find that even though working from home occasionally means working more hours, it's worth it in order to be near the family more.

More Support

People who work from home often find that they are better supported than those who work in offices or public places[xi]. This is dependent on the state of the marriage and home life: people with a healthy marriage will find the home a very supportive environment to work from, but poor marital quality may make working from home harder.

Increased Personal Development

Working remotely requires the development of new skills and qualities such as good time management, self-motivation, autonomy and being able to set and work towards goals. There is a spillover benefit of developing these skills since all of them are also good for marriage and family life[xii].

Further, certain types of working from home, such as self-employment and running your own business, allow you to pursue your own personal goals with more freedom than working for a company. This ability to meet your own goals and values is linked to high life satisfaction and high marital satisfaction.

Identity Development Benefits

Finally, working from home helps individuals feel more like part of the family and helps them root their sense of identity in their marriage and their family. Research from 2000[xiii] found that working from home produced changes in the individual's identity such that they placed less emphasis on career goals and viewed work as less important while increasing a sense of family/marital closeness and viewing family as being more important. That’s definitely going to be good for your marriage!

So I hope this episode illustrates that there are some potential downsides to working from home, and how to limit or avoid them. At the same time, there are plenty of advantages, for your marriage and for your own personal growth. If this is the situation you’re in, or you’re considering working from home, I’d encourage you to really take hold of these benefits and spend some time figuring out how to make it work for your marriage.

References

[i] Tracey Crosbie and Jeanne Moore, “Work-Life Balance and Working from Home,” Social Policy and Society 3, no. 3 (2004): 223–33.

[ii] Crosbie and Moore.

[iii] Kristin Byron, “A Meta-Analytic Review of Work-Family Conflict and Its Antecedents,” Journal of Vocational Behavior 67, no. 2 (2005): 169–98.

[iv] Crosbie and Moore, “Work-Life Balance and Working from Home.”

[v] Yehuda Baruch, “Teleworking: Benefits and Pitfalls as Perceived by Professionals and Managers,” New Technology, Work and Employment 15, no. 1 (March 1, 2000): 34–49, https://doi.org/10.1111/1468-005X.00063.

[vi] Baruch.

[vii] ERIN L. KELLY et al., “Getting There from Here: Research on the Effects of Work-Family Initiatives on Work-Family Conflict and Business Outcomes,” The Academy of Management Annals 2 (August 2008): 305–49, https://doi.org/10.1080/19416520802211610.

[viii] Crosbie and Moore, “Work-Life Balance and Working from Home.”

[ix] Crosbie and Moore.

[x] Crosbie and Moore.

[xi] Baruch, “Teleworking.”

[xii] Baruch.

[xiii] Baruch.