Rebranding Middle Age

“What if joy is not only entangled with pain, suffering, and sorrow but is also what emerges from how we care for each other through those things?” - Ross Gay, Inciting Joy

I learned to armor up at a young age. Lately I’ve been thinking through some of the reasons that may have led to this. In my early childhood, two of my friends died - one of cancer, one in a house fire down the street. Siblings who had been abused joined our family and because they did not receive any support as individuals, and we did not receive any support as a family, this brought some chaos to our home.

One of my sisters burned our house down when I was 11. My mom got cancer the first time when I was 21 or so and she died 10 years later. My dad died of cancer about 10 years after that and there were a lot of other layers of heartache and fear mixed in.

My parents relied on my husband and I to come help whenever there was a new crisis - and I was happy to help. But I lived on high alert. I remember one day recognizing that I could not and would not allow myself to feel too happy because when the next bad thing came that lay in wait just around the bend, I’d have further to fall.

• Brené Brown says that we armor up to avoid shame, anxiety, uncertainty, and fear and this usually revolves around 1 of 3 methods: striving for perfection; numbing out; disrupting joyful moments by dress-rehearsing tragedy and imagining all the ways that things could go wrong.
• Joy is a basic human emotion and it’s also the most vulnerable emotion - it makes sense that we armor up as a form of self-protection. To allow joy to live in our bodies and lives we must learn safety in vulnerability.
• I mention soul child theory re: the Enneagram / my nature or essence is joy.
• You can’t necessarily manufacture joy but you can allow it, notice it, feel it, savor it. We can also become awake to conditioning and cultural dictates that rob us of joy (I didn’t say this but more to come in season 2).
• When we are mindful of our suffering and respond with kindness… we cope with greater ease. We create a state of mind and heart that reduces psychopathology while enhancing joy and meaning in life. - Kristin Neff and Andrew Costigan
• Joy is a distinct positive emotion “for when we feel connected or reunited with something or someone that’s really important to us.” -Phillip Watkins, psychologist who studies joy, gratitude, happiness
• “Rejoice. An odd word that literally means ‘to experience joy again.’ That should be our daily mission. To experience joy again. Sure there’s stuff that needs doing, stuff to wade through and stuff to fix but there’s also the joy of small things: a hug, a conversation…walking on the land, listening to great music or enjoying silence and a cup of tea. Rejoice. Fill yourself again.” - Richard Wagamese
• An intellectual experience of joy is not the same as embodied experience. 

• Join The Brave + Beautiful Membership Community Autumn Session - our theme is Filled Up + Overflowing. Final day to join us is Oct 6th (start date Oct 9). Register here https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/membership/
• I’m taking a break and season 2 of this podcast begins Oct 26/23. The focus will be on Embodied Joy.
• Expand Your Capacity for Joy Workshop: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/the-joy-workshop/
• The Hope Map: my Monday Morning Email: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/hope-map/

After my son died, I was thrown head-first into a deep and dark winter season. The years that followed were incredibly painful and I longed for spring or light to come again. One day I heard in my spirit, “you have to live the end of one story before stepping into the next.”

I remember my dad telling me one day over a decade ago, that the time between a vision and the fruition of a vision or dream can take years - decades even. I can look back and see this truth at play in many areas of my life. It often takes longer than our ego wants and feels comfortable with, far longer than our brain believes it ‘should’ take, even longer than our body feels it can withstand. 

There are no shortcuts, no bypassing certain experiences. We must go through. We must do the work to put down deep roots and do the work required so that we are equipped for what comes next. 

SOME KEY IDEAS

• Safety first. Bring safety to yourself or your experience through curiosity and compassion.
• Stretch don’t stress. Ask “Am I unsafe or am I uncomfortable?”
• Practice a pause. Create space between stimulus and response so that you can choose your next step/your response.
• We all have patterns (behaviours, emotional responses, thoughts) that are “state not trait.” They are not WHO we are but HOW we learned to show up to life. Awareness=more choice.
• Move at your own pace. Whether grieving, healing, bringing a dream or vision to life, things take time. We grow into our vision. Grief must do its work in us.
• No amount of comparing, shaming, bullying will move us forward in a positive way. Remove the shame and judgment around whatever you are experiencing or wherever you are on your journey. 
• When you’re in the thick of it, it’s really hard to see any movement/growth/change. Reach out for support. And take one more step forward. 
• There are tools and practices you can learn to discharge stress and help you feel more regulated and able to take the next step forward: movement, humming/sighing, shifting your posture, and exposure to cold are some examples.

LINKS/REFERENCES

• Join The Brave + Beautiful Membership Community Autumn Session. Early registration ends tomorrow but regular registration ends Oct 6th or when we hit our cap. Use the coupon code OVERFLOWING10 to take 10% off at checkout! Learn more: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/membership/
• The Feel More Empowered Workshop $7: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/feel-more-empowered/
• 30 Ways to Feel Calmer and More Empowered in Your Body and Life (free): https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/how-to-feel-calmer-in-your-body-and-mind/
• The Upside of Stress, Kelly McGonigal, PhD: my referral link

When I’m driving on the highway and someone zooms past me at high speed or weaves in and out of traffic to ‘get ahead’ I always wonder, “where are you rushing to?” And is putting your life and mine at risk worth shaving a few seconds off your ride?

I’m a slow mover by nature. To be healthy and happy, I require a lot of spaciousness and breathing room in my life to think, connect the dots inside my mind, process, putter, and integrate. I lived most of my life in chronic pain, had a disease as a child and now a hip replacement that brings physical limitations and I walk with a limp. 

But though I’m not wired for hustle-culture, I’ve built a brave and beautiful life at my own rhythm. I move through life in a (mostly) soul-honouring and sustainable way and this helps me feel safe, at home, and joyful in my body and life.

SOME KEY IDEAS:

• We can’t pour out what we don’t also pour in.
• Performance and productivity do not prove your worth. You can opt out of hustle-culture (or at least not judge yourself by it).
• There is beauty and wisdom to be mined in every season - even the hardest (and slowest) of them. Knowing the season(s) you’re in increases peace and wellbeing.
• Simple habits, rituals, and practices that honour your wiring will help you build a life you desire and more fully express the truth of who and how you choose to be in the world.
• Build the muscle of imperfect action. We find our way in action not before. Slow and steady action with consistency leads to powerful results.
• Whether healing, grieving, creating, walking, or … you get to move at the pace of your nervous system. Begin as you mean to go on.
• Spring for me is an invitation to rest, recalibrate, and restore. Build rest and check-points into your day, week, season, and year to guard your mind-body health and live aligned with your values and priorities.

LINKS/REFERENCES:

• The Brave + Beautiful Membership Community Autumn Session is open for early registration Sep 4-16: when you join during early-registration you get to join us for our Seasonal (equinox) Call and get the Seasonal Transition Workbook. And 10 people can use the coupon code OVERFLOWING10 to take 10% off at checkout! Learn more: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/membership/
• The Midlife Crossroad PDF (free / follows season 1 of this podcast): https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/the-midlife-crossroad/
• The Wisdom of Life Seasons: How to Embrace the Season You’re In: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/life-seasons/
• An Overview of Seasonal Living and How to Explore: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/an-overview-of-seasonal-living-and-how-to-explore/
• 8 Types of Rest Worksheets: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/8-types-of-rest-free-worksheets/

“We learn from an early age that ‘masked and armored’ is the safe and sane way to live” writes Parker Palmer in A Hidden Wholeness. We are wired for connection - we need each other. Yet there is an epidemic of loneliness in the world and it’s getting worse.

Loneliness has the same health impact as smoking 15 cigarettes a day and increases risk of premature death by 29%. A 2021 Canadian survey reported that more than 1 in 10 people are always or often lonely. 3/10 said they are sometimes lonely. And a 2020 loneliness report shared that 52% of Americans feel lonely and 47% say their relationships with others do not feel meaningful. 

As an HSP and strong introvert I crave deep heart-to-heart connection. But I’ve also had to learn to move against my instinct to withdraw or isolate and instead make a bid for connection when feeling low, and to risk vulnerability and get creative about forging healthy relationships and community.

We need to grapple with this paradox: We are wired for connection and we need each other. But also, it’s often better to be alone than to remain in unhealthy spaces / relationships.

• There are many factors that contribute to midlife women feeling lonely or disconnected. We all have an internal story of connection or protection - what’s your story?
• Loneliness has many negative health impacts. Loneliness and solitude are not the same thing. It’s possible to feel lonely in a crowd.
• Social support and social connection are not the same thing; they are both important. If we have social support without social connection, we can still feel lonely.
• All of us have a bidirectional Circle of Impact; we need to choose our inner circle(s) wisely. Emotions (including loneliness) are contagious as are mental states, positive or negative.
• Not every relationship is forever. 
• Healthy relationships must include healthy boundaries and brave conversations.
• EQ is a predictor of happiness in relationships. 4 key components of EQ: self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness or empathy, social skills.

• Befriend Your Inner Critic Workshop, Sep 6 (registration closes Sep 1): https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/befriend-your-inner-critic-workshop/
• The Brave + Beautiful Membership Community, early registration for Autumn Session runs Sep 4-16 (join the BB early / join the Seasonal Transition Call free): https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/membership/
• The Midlife Crossroad PDF (free / follows season 1 of this podcast): https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/the-midlife-crossroad/
• Boundaries Workshops: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/workshops-for-your-life-in-progress/
• The Circle of Impact Exercise: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/the-circle-of-impact-exercise/

Life shouldn’t be neat and tidy. If your life feels challenging, you’re not doing it wrong. It’s the belief that you “should” always know what you’re doing, and that your life should always feel easy and smooth sailing, that keeps you in suffering.

I’m a recovering perfectionist - an Enneagram One (hopeful reformer) for those of you familiar with The Enneagram. I had to learn to make peace with the messiness of life - the imperfection of myself, messiness at home (ex. creative art projects as I raised creative humans, leaving laundry in a basket so I could write), and messiness in relationships, in order to find joy. 

No matter how hard I worked, appliances broke, people I loved died, marriage and raising kids was hard work, and money was often tight. None of this was wrong or bad (hard isn’t the same as ‘wrong’) - it was simply part of a full, meaningful, beautiful life. I couldn’t control it. 

I made a decision at one point to stop reading magazines and books, or watching shows/movies that pulled me into comparison or feeling less than. I needed to intentionally quiet the noise and fairy-tale versions of life so that I could love the life in front of me.

Quote I mentioned in this episode: "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." -Viktor Frankl

• Learning to practice paradox - or both/and - will change your experience of life, quality of relationships, and mind-body health.
• We all have coping mechanisms or ways of numbing, running, avoiding, bypassing.
• You 'shouldn’t' be perfect. We find our way in action, not before. As long as you’re awake, saying yes to life, you’ll meet new challenges and learning opportunities. 
• Railing against reality keeps us stuck in suffering. When we make peace with messiness we make space for joy.
• We can’t control a lot of life but we can always choose our response. “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” -Viktor Frankl

• Befriend Your Inner Critic Workshop, Sep 6: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/befriend-your-inner-critic-workshop/ (Early-bird pricing is over but you can still join us! Registration ends Sep 3.)
• The Brave + Beautiful Membership Community - join the waitlist for our Autumn Session: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/membership/
• Make Peace With Paradox and Practice Imperfect Action: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/make-peace-with-paradox/
• The Midlife Crossroad PDF (free / follows season 1 of this podcast): https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/the-midlife-crossroad/

Palliative nurse Bronnie Ware recorded her patient’s end of life regrets. The top regret of the dying was “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself.”

A clear and compelling life vision, and clarity around my core values, kept me anchored after my parents died, through chronic pain, after a traumatic car accident, through and beyond the death of my son, PTSD, and deep grief. It lights my path in every season - it helps me live ON PURPOSE.

I don’t want to miss my life being distracted by shiny things, comparison, or waiting for a “perfect some day.” I choose to show up fully to every day I get.

• At the end of your life how will you know you’ve lived well?
• Focus ↠ aim ↠ vision
• A clear vision and knowing our core values keeps us anchored in every season, helps us keep our eyes on our own path, and helps us not lose hope when life feels hard.
• Hope is not fairy dust - it’s a realistic sense of optimism based on an expectation of positive outcomes. It involves agency (power of choice) and a belief that there are alternate pathways to our desired goal/outcome.

• My values: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/meet-krista/
• 3/2/1 Exercise: 3 Purposeful Questions I Ask Myself Each Night as Part of a Simple Evening Routine | (alifeinprogress.ca)
• Free life visioning tools: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/life-visioning-tools/
• Top 5 Regrets of The Dying book (my referral link): https://amzn.to/47scnMo
• What is Hope in Action: https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/what-is-hope-and-why-i-practice-hope-in-action/
• Core Values Workshop: Core values Workshop
• Life Visioning Course: The Life Visioning Course: Handcraft A Soul-Honouring Life | A Life In Progress

You cannot shame or bully yourself into wholeness. My inner critic was vicious. It bullied me, held me back, pointed out all my flaws 24/7, and told me I was never good enough. No matter how hard I worked, I could never keep up or measure up.

When my third child was born, 18 years ago, I held her little body in my arms and realized in that moment that for her sake and mine, I would never again bully or berate my body or myself. I made the decision and then I had to practice.

• Compassion needs to be bidirectional.
• Falling down, making mistakes, or being messy is not the problem. Staying down, or staying mired in shame and judgment is a problem.
• Self-Compassion has 3 components: mindfulness, self-kindness, common humanity.
• Fear and the Inner Critic are not against you - they are simply trying to protect you but in maladaptive ways (or ways that no longer serve you).
• Safety is required for us to be in a position to hear, grow, heal, build a new pattern.

• Kristin Neff: Self-Compassion
• 3/2/1 Exercise: 3 Purposeful Questions I Ask Myself Each Night as Part of a Simple Evening Routine | (alifeinprogress.ca)
• Befriend Your Inner Critic Workshop: Sep 6, 2023 Befriend Your Inner Critic Workshop | A Life In Progress
• How To Befriend My Inner Critic and Quiet Its Noise: How to Befriend my Inner Critic and Quiet its Noise | (alifeinprogress.ca)
• Tender Self-Compassion: Self-Compassion Will Help You Become Your Own Best Friend | (alifeinprogress.ca)
• Fierce Self-Compassion: How to Practice Fierce Self-Compassion to Get Unstuck | (alifeinprogress.ca)

All of you is welcome here. Your strength and struggle, your grief and pain, your creativity and joy. The parts of your story that you feel safe to share with others, and those parts of your experience that still cause you shame. You are not bad, wrong, or broken but human in a messy world.

I was 10 years old when I first had the thought "the world is too heavy for me." I tried to die three times between the ages of 14-18. Then began a journey of trying to figure out HOW to live. I was looking for freedom but kept picking up another set of chains.

When I stopped trying to FIX myself and began the process of meeting and befriending myself (though I didn't have that language back then), life began to change.

I share a bit about myself today as this is the first episode.

KEY IDEAS:

• True Self and personality are not the same thing. We grow into ourselves over time.
• There is beauty and wisdom to be mined in every season, including the hard winter seasons.
• You can embrace all of your parts and approach growth and healing from the perspective that you're already ok (worthy of love, belonging, good things).
• When each of us shows up as true self and integrated/whole, we form a beautiful whole.

LINKS/REFERENCES:

• No Bad Parts, Dick Schwartz, PhD
• The Midlife Crossroad: The Midlife Crossroad: 7 Truths for Freedom, health and joy | A Life In Progress
• Krista on IG
• Krista on FB: A Life in Progress and Rebranding Middle Age
• The Brave + Beautiful Community
• Befriend Your Inner Critic Workshop: Sep 6, 2023: Befriend Your Inner Critic Workshop | A Life In Progress