Sex With Dr. Jess

Most people fantasize about threesomes, but not many people - actually dive in. In part I of our Threesomes podcast, we dive into the data and get some practical advice from Justin Lehmiller - who answers your questions including:

How common are threesomes?

What counts as a threesome?

How does a threesome affect relationships for couples?

Who is having threesomes?

How do people find threesomes (e.g. through apps like Feeld)?

What’s the appeal of threesomes?

Next week, we’ll dive into how to prep for a threesome with prompts, conversations and more!

Save with code PODCAST on the Mindful Sex Course on the Happier Couples website.

And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

All About Threesomes

Episode 336

[00:00:00] Jess O'Reilly: Hey, hey, we are talking threesomes today and we are doing a throwback to a two part series with Dr. Justin Lehmiller on the doc today, because I received three questions about threesomes over the weekend and I think it's a sign. So here we go. Have a listen to this throwback with Dr. Justin Lehmiller.

[00:00:27] Jess O'Reilly: You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.

[00:00:38] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I'm your co host Brandon Ware here with my lovely other half, Dr. Jess.

[00:00:45] Jess O'Reilly: Hey, hey, we are talking threesomes today and it fits that today's episode is brought to you by FIELD. And FIELD is the first dating app for couples and singles. They're a pioneer in allowing couples to kind of explore dating together as a pair, and they're open to all genders, all sexual identities,

[00:01:13] Jess O'Reilly: all sexual orientations from basically for anyone who's interested in either ethical non monogamy or alternative relationship structures, or simply those who are curious and looking to kind of dip their toe into the pond. So do check them out. Field is spelt feel and a D so F E E L D and you can download the field app.

[00:01:25] Jess O'Reilly: It's free and you create a profile. And once you have liked someone and they've liked you back on the app. You become connections and you're able to chat. And if you want to, you can share photos and they also often offer an upgraded membership option with extra features. And yeah, so do check out FIELD.

[00:01:43] Jess O'Reilly: They're one of the largest online communities for fun stuff like this. And it's interesting. I actually came across FIELD in my research a few years ago. when I was prepping a training for therapists on threesomes and ethical non monogamy and they really are the [00:02:00] perfect partner for this podcast because we're talking about threesomes and of course there are people on field looking for threesomes and later we're going to be talking with their expert Dr.

[00:02:08] Jess O'Reilly: Justin Leigh. But before he joins us, I wanted to kind of dig into some of the data on threesomes. And later on, I also want to talk if we have time about how to prepare for a threesome, like in terms of communication and reflection and just topics to address before you start exploring. I don't know how much time we'll have.

[00:02:27] Jess O'Reilly: I might have to split it into a couple episodes, but we will get there. It's interesting because when you think about. Threesomes. Don't you think porn has kind of made threesomes seem like, like they're the norm. Everybody's doing them. Yeah, I mean when

Before we begin... (Dr. Jess and B here). We want to express our thanks and gratitude to you for reading and engaging with our site. We sincerely appreciate it, and you!

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TL;DR - Pleasure, Spanking & Masculinity with King Noire

King Noire, an award-winning porn performer, activist, and Master Fetish Trainer, joins Jess & Brandon from Sex Down South to unpack pleasure, pansexuality, masculinity, and the politics of porn.

Spanking with intention: Start slow, communicate often, and never assume your partner’s limits. Explore sting + sensuality with toys like the We-Vibe Touch X or We-Vibe Sync 2.

Ethical porn matters: Through Royal Fetish Films, King and Jasmine produce performer-centered content with fair pay, real chemistry, and co-created scenes—pleasure without exploitation.

Redefining masculinity: King challenges toxic masculinity and invites men to explore full-body pleasure, from rimming to surrender, without shame.

Pleasure is political: Ditch scripts, centre consent, and reclaim your body’s truth. Want more? Listen to the full podcast and dive into posts on anal play, decolonizing desire, and kinky psychology with Luna Matatas & Marla Renée Stewart.

Pleasure, Spanking & Masculinity: A Conversation with King Noire

King Noire is an accomplished and award-winning writer, porn performer, artist, Master Fetish Trainer, MC, and global activist using the proceeds of his album Music Is My Weapon™ to build a school, freshwater well, and medical clinic in West Africa. He raises consciousness around kink safety for people of color, provides lectures on the decolonization of sexuality, and offers sex education to audiences ranging from college students to medical providers.

Check out King Noire's website here, and follow him on his social media accounts - Instagram and Twitter.

Thank you for reading and engaging with our content. Your support means the world to us. If you're shopping for pleasure products, please consider visiting our affiliates (here) and use our discount code DRJESSVIP to save when checking out — your clicks help support our site and the free content we create (we receive a small commission).

Redefining Masculinity, Spanking with Intention & Ethical Porn

The inimitable King Noire shares his perspective of pleasure, pansexuality, performance and much more in this candid conversation with Jess & Brandon. King Noire — an award-winning performer, master fetish trainer, music artist, and educator joined us for an unfiltered conversation live from Sex Down South in Atlanta. We explored everything from pansexual performance and impact play to somnophilia, ethical porn, and raising sons with care and intention.

What is a Master Fetish Trainer?

King and his partner Jet Setting Jasmine coined the term to reflect their work supporting folks as they discover and embody their fetishes safely. Whether you’re learning to flog, exploring choking and breath play, or simply figuring out what turns you on, their work is grounded in safety, education, and consent.

And if you’re new to spanking? King offers this tip: Start slow and sensual. Build intensity over time, alternate sensations, and never assume your partner wants to be hit hard just because they say they’re into impact. Communication is king. And so is practice.

How do you cultivate deeper connections through communication?

How can you summon compassion in the heat of conflict?

How do you define non-violent communication?

What is polyvagal theory?

Sander T. Jones joins Jess and Brandon to explore these questions and share additional concepts from their book, Cultivating Connection: A Practical Guide for Personal and Relationship Growth in ethical non-monogamy. 

Sander is a licensed clinical social worker, certified hypnotherapist, and author in Atlanta, Georgia with over a decade of experience working with people in ethically non-monogamous relationships, people in the kink/BDSM/Leather communities, LGBTQ+ communities, and people doing voluntary sex work. As a relationship therapist they have taught hundreds of people the steps and principles for repairing relationship bonds and then deepening those bonds through collaborative communication, respecting the rights and autonomy of themselves and their partners, being aware of interpersonal power, and avoiding the abuse of that power when it arises in our relationships. You can contact Sander at SanderTJones.com and following on Facebook and Instagram.

 

Save with code PODCAST on the Mindful Sex Course on the Happier Couples website.

And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

A Guide to Compassionate Communication

Episode 334

[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice. You can use tonight

[00:00:15] Jess O'Reilly: here in Atlanta at sex down south. And the reason you know, we're at six down south is that I have no voice left.

[00:00:21] Brandon Ware: I was going to say, you got your sexy voice going on.

[00:00:23] Jess O'Reilly: Oh my dear God. And it's not from being in the dungeon.

[00:00:25] Jess O'Reilly: It's not from doing anything fun. I think it's just from dry air.

[00:00:28] Brandon Ware: You should have said it was something fun.

[00:00:29] Jess O'Reilly: I know. I know. I wish it was something more fun, but we are having a great time. And if you've ever listened before and heard me talk about Sex Town South, I think it's the most brilliant sex conference.

[00:00:39] Jess O'Reilly: It is my absolute favorite. Uh, I'm such a massive fan of Marla and Tia, the founders. Marla, of course, is the coauthor of our latest book. And, uh, among the brilliant minds who are presenting here in Atlanta, we have with us right now, Sander T. Jones, a licensed clinical social worker, certified hypnotherapist.

[00:00:55] Jess O'Reilly: Ooh, I want to ask you about that. author. Uh, you're located in Atlanta. You have over a decade of experience and you've recently released Cultivating Connection, a practical guide for personal and relationship growth in ethical non monogamy. Thank you for chatting with us.

[00:01:08] Sander T. Jones: Thank you so much for having me.

[00:01:10] Sander T. Jones: It's really an honor to be on your show.

[00:01:11] Jess O'Reilly: Oh, well, we're, we're so appreciative. I'm excited to learn from you. I've looked over all of the wealth of info. in your latest book, Cultivating Connection. I think it's your first book, right? It is my first book. Yes. Congrats on that. Well, first and foremost, tell us about you.

[00:01:24] Jess O'Reilly: Tell us a little bit about your background, professional, personal, anything you feel like sharing.

[00:01:27] Sander T. Jones: Okay. Professional background.

How Lifestyle Couples Keep Their Relationships Hot, Happy, and Connected

Couples in The Lifestyle — often referred to as swingers — practice a form of ethical non-monogamy that usually involves consensual sexual play with other singles and/or couples. Though swinging still gets its fair share of judgment, research and lived experience show that many couples find that it strengthens their emotional connection, deepens their communication skills, and supports ongoing erotic exploration.

In this quickie episode of the Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast, Jess and Brandon dive into advice from three experienced Lifestyle couples who generously share their insights on how they keep their relationships strong — and their sex lives sizzling.

Curious about The Lifestyle?

If you’ve ever been curious about the Lifestyle — or if you’re just looking to bring some of that open, playful energy into your own monogamous relationship — their wisdom applies. Some of the themes we explore include:

• Why clear communication is the real aphrodisiac.

• How setting — and revisiting — boundaries creates more freedom, not less.

• What “success” looks like beyond just sex — think trust, self-awareness, and mutual growth.

• How embracing pleasure (without shame) fuels deeper connection.

Whether you’re Lifestyle-curious, monogamish, or simply committed to keeping your relationship vibrant, there’s something to learn from couples who choose intentional, consensual exploration.

Listen now to hear real-world advice from couples who know that passion doesn’t have to fade — if you’re willing to keep learning, laughing, and, yes, talking about everything.

Fuel your connection with a little extra pleasure — explore my go-to toys from Lovehoney. Be sure to use discount code DRJESSVIP to save (and Thank You! We appreciate your support).

If you have podcast questions, please submit them here. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

3 Sex & Relationship Lessons From "Lifestyle" Couples

Episode 333

[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice. You can use tonight.

[00:00:15] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Dr. Jess, how are you feeling today?

[00:00:19] Jess O'Reilly: I'm feeling all right. I'm feeling good. Talk to me. Why is that? We have just disembarked the Desire Cruise, and I don't know if this was maybe number six for us in terms of Desire Cruising, but we just came off a week in Greece with one stop in Turkey.

[00:00:33] Jess O'Reilly: It was a lot of fun, but it was pretty intense.

[00:00:34] Brandon Ware: Yeah, it was intense.

[00:00:36] Jess O'Reilly: Lots of socializing.

[00:00:38] Brandon Ware: Yeah, that's an understatement. I always like to party. Oh my gosh. I can't keep up. I don't know. I gotta, I gotta tell you, I don't know how they do it. They're up at like seven in the morning and they party hard until like three in the morning.

[00:00:49] Jess O'Reilly: Is that, is that their schedule? I don't know. I'm asleep long before

[00:00:52] Brandon Ware: that. I'm, I'm, I'm impressed.

[00:00:55] Jess O'Reilly: But it's super friendly crowd. Oh yeah. Like it's so much fun while you're on, but then, you know, when you come off of something that's so highly social, at least me. Oh, I feel like a total drop. I just need to be quiet for a bit.

[00:01:07] Jess O'Reilly: Need some time to chill. Yes. Now we are also on route to Atlanta for Sex Town South via Toronto. Very excited for this.

Happy couples from across the globe share their best advice for richer relationships. From the relational to the emotional to the sexual, the happiest couples - of all ages weigh in on what makes their relationships thrive.

This episode is brought to you by Desire Cruises - a unique experience for adventurous couples! Join us as we cruise to the Greek Isles in August and the South of France next Spring 2024.

If you have podcast questions, please submit them here. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Top Relationship Tips From Happier Couples: 8 Secrets To Success

Episode 332

[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice. You can use tonight.

[00:00:13] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. And today we are about to head out on the desire cruise.

[00:00:21] Jess O'Reilly: That's right. We're hitting the Greek isles. We're hitting Turkey. You're going to make a cruise sound.

[00:00:26] Brandon Ware: No, I'm, I'm so much more mature than that.

[00:00:28] Brandon Ware: Don't you know me better?

[00:00:29] Jess O'Reilly: I can see you. Yeah. Yeah. Why does your boat sound like a donkey?

[00:00:34] Brandon Ware: I don't know. It just does.

[00:00:35] Jess O'Reilly: If I heard that sound, I'm not getting on the boat.

[00:00:37] Brandon Ware: Yeah. Okay.

[00:00:37] Jess O'Reilly: So, pretty excited. This is, I don't know. Is this our sixth Desire Cruise?

[00:00:41] Brandon Ware: I believe that it is.

[00:00:42] Jess O'Reilly: We've been on pretty much all of them except the ones over New Year's because that's our week off.

[00:00:47] Jess O'Reilly: And every time we're on board, I'm collecting information. Not necessarily... data, but people's insights and experiences because it's just such a broad range of guests here. So there are around 700 people on board. There are 44 countries represented. I don't have the breakdown of this specific cruise, but from the last one, a few months ago, from that, I know that there were of the 700, around 300 Americans, 50 Canadians, 57 Mexicans.

[00:01:16] Jess O'Reilly: Handful from India, 16 Brazilians, another handful of Colombians, around a hundred from Europe. When I kind of look, okay, that's the UK. They've exited. I did.

[00:01:29] Brandon Ware: I also did the German though, or maybe it was Austrian.

[00:01:31] Jess O'Reilly: Actually UK is a big contingent. I don't know why I didn't write them down, but there's a good number from the UK.

[00:01:36] Jess O'Reilly: Folks from New Zealand, Singapore, South Africa, Taiwan, a nice contingent from. Central and South America. So I met Chileans, Costa Ricans, Ecuadorians, Venezuelans, a handful from Lebanon. I met a couple from Korea. And so, and there's, there's kind of a broad age range, right there. I think there might be a couple who are quite young in their twenties, but just like a handful of, let's be [00:02:00] honest, women.

[00:02:00] Jess O'Reilly: Yeah. I don't think there's any guys in their twenties, then a handful in their thirties, many in their forties. And then a bunch in their fifties and beyond. And so for me, there's just so much learning here because people hail from all over the world. They come on this cruise for so many different reasons.

[00:02:16] Jess O'Reilly: You know, I've spoken about this before that yes, it's clothing optional in certain areas. Yes, it's erotic themed. Yes, there are very interactive workshops and there's even a playroom should you deci...

Has your partner lied to you about their finances?

Have you ever hid spending (or debt) from a partner?

Do you and your partner disagree about money - saving, spending, sharing, etc?

Do you struggle to talk about money without fighting?

What constitutes 'cheating' or financial fidelity?

Jess and Brandon discuss their experience with financial infidelity and dive into why people lie about money. They also share prompts & language to help you navigate sensitive conversations related to financial values.

Be sure to check out Bloomi in a Target near you, or check out their website for your Bloomi needs.

And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Financial Infidelity & How To Talk About Money

Episode 331

[00:00:00] Jess O'Reilly: You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.

[00:00:13] Brandon Ware: Today, we're going to be talking about financial infidelity,

[00:00:19] Jess O'Reilly: talking about money, money, money, honey. Okay. Are we good at talking about money with each other?

[00:00:26] Brandon Ware: I think we're good about talking about some aspects of money.

[00:00:30] Jess O'Reilly: Okay, let's start with the good.

[00:00:31] Brandon Ware: I think we communicate a lot when it comes to certain investment opportunities. Oh, sure. Uh, things like that. Um, I think we're both generally on the same page in terms of how much money we have. So those are some good things. I don't know. What do you, what are your thoughts?

[00:00:45] Jess O'Reilly: You know, it's funny. As soon as you start talking about money, especially, You know, with others in the room with us, so to speak, it's, uh, I get uncomfortable. Like I feel uncomfortable.

[00:00:56] Brandon Ware: I grew up with the understanding that talking about money was something you did not do. And it's becoming much more open now where people talk about how much money they make at work and how much money, um, I guess they, they want to have in the future and how much they currently have.

[00:01:10] Brandon Ware: But I did not grow up like that. You do not talk about money.

[00:01:13] Jess O'Reilly: No, and we, we do need that transparency because one, you know, exercise of power from people who do have money, who control the resources involves convincing everyone that we shouldn't talk about it so we don't know about their billions and whatnot.

[00:01:27] Jess O'Reilly: But I have to admit that it's definitely not in my background to talk about it. I can talk about it in specifics when it's relevant to the conversation. Like anytime I've done business with family, we've been very open, very straightforward about the projects themselves. But not about specifics that are personal.

[00:01:45] Jess O'Reilly: So I feel a little bit nervous, but we're going to get into it. So, okay. You said we're good at talking about certain things. What do we struggle with? Do you think?

[00:01:53] Brandon Ware: Sometimes I think that there's a difference in terms of where we want to spend our money and how we want to spend our money. [00:02:00] Um, so that's the first thing.

[00:02:00] Jess O'Reilly: You mean I want to spend it?

[00:02:02] Brandon Ware: Yeah. I want to spend our money too. I don't want to hoard. I don't want to hoard my money. Okay. I do want to spend it. I want to enjoy it. I think because of my upbringing, because about, I think there's an element of shame, of guilt,

Sex vs. Social Media & The Surprising World of Belly Button Pleasure

Thank you for listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast and reading along here! Your support means the world to us. Every time you click our affiliate links and use our discount code - DRJESSVIP, it helps keep our content alive! We receive a small commission and thank you for your support!

Code DRJESSVIP

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Code: DRJESSVIP-Save $ + Support Us!

No pressure — but if you’re shopping, use our code DRJESSVIP for exclusive savings and a little support for us, too. Win-Win!

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This is an affiliate link. We may earn a commission. Thank you!

TL;DR - Sex vs. Social Media, and Alvinophilia

A Canadian study found nearly 1 in 10 young people would give up sex before social media, and 3% would trade a decade of life to keep scrolling. We explore what these stats say about tech, connection, and evolving pleasure priorities.

Instead of shaming screen time, we unpack the importance of inclusive, youth-informed conversations about digital life, intimacy, and pleasure.

Listener Q leads to a deep dive into belly button arousal (alvinophilia)—from food play to raspberries to tongue worship, the navel is an under-explored erogenous zone worth celebrating.

Tools to try: We-Vibe Tango X for precise stimulation and Nova 2 for full-body arousal paired with belly play.

For more, check out our guides on erogenous zones and subscribe to the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast for ongoing pleasure-based convos.

Would You Give Up Sex or Social Media?

A new Canadian study asked people between the ages of 16 and 30 whether they'd rather give up sex or social media—and nearly 9% chose to forgo sex.

In this podcast episode, we unpack this surprising data, reflect on our own scrolling habits (hint: Brandon’s feed is all dogs and wipeout videos), and dig into what it means to live in a world where nearly a third of people would rather give up restaurants than TikTok. The social media vs. sex debate may sound extreme, but it opens up important questions around connection, pleasure, and how tech is reshaping our relational landscapes.

What's Behind These Choices?

More than half of respondents use social media for three or more hours a day. Nearly 10% said they'd rather go childless than give up their accounts. And the most jaw-dropping stat? 3% said they'd give up a decade of their life to keep scrolling.

We explore these findings with nuance and care, emphasizing that "social media isn't all bad," and that instead of shaming younger folks for their screen time, we need better conversations—ones that include them in the design and direction.

Belly Button Love: The Pleasure of the Navel

Listener question time - A young couple writes in with a fascinating dilemma: One partner has an outie belly button, and the other can't get enough of it. They're diving into belly button licking, raspberries, food play, and more.

This leads to a deep conversation about alvinophilia (navel arousal), self-consciousness, and reclaiming pleasure in parts of the body often excluded from erotic scripts. We reflect on our own experiences with belly play and offer practical suggestions for anyone curious to explore this often overlooked erogenous zone. If you're curious about exploring erogenous zones, be sure to check out this post to learn more:

Erogenous Zones You May Have Overlooked

Exes, Erogenous Zones & Erotic Massage

How to Explore Belly Button Play

From using your tongue to whispering sweet nothings, the belly button can be a site of powerful erotic connection. Try:

Raspberries and breath play

Warm oils or massage candles (opt for body-safe ingredients like this favourite)

Looking for a quick exercise to offset the potentially harmful effects of conflict?

Jess & Brandon explore a 7-minute solution to support "cognitive reappraisal" as they share the details of their latest fight: the Popsicle incident.

In one study, three simple 7-minute writing interventions over the course of a year were shown to improve relationship quality in newlyweds and long-term couples alike. Have a listen to learn more and give it a try yourself to improve your relationship in just 21 minutes per year.

And if you have podcast questions, please submit them here. You can find the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podbean, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music & Stitcher!

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Jess & Brandon's Latest Argument. And A 7-Minute Solution

Episode 329

[00:00:00] You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.

[00:00:15] Brandon Ware: Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Today we're going to be diving into an exercise that just brought to my attention and asked us or asked me to define or what would you say? Write out, explain our most recent argument.

[00:00:29] Jess O'Reilly: Yes, from a neutral perspective. So we're going to try an exercise that has been shown to lead to happier relationships, and it relates to conflict and how we view it. And so basically, Brendan and I wrote out Why are you laughing? How we view because honestly, I can't even finish a sentence because we had to describe our most recent conflict from a neutral perspective, and I think we sound ridiculous.

[00:00:55] Jess O'Reilly: Like speed bags. It's about popsicles. I was going to say that. The conflict is about, it's about chill pops.

[00:01:00] Brandon Ware: My headline for the, for this was the popsicle fight.

[00:01:04] Jess O'Reilly: Oh my gosh.

[00:01:04] Brandon Ware: I'm like, oh man.

[00:01:06] Jess O'Reilly: Okay, let me give you a bit of background on this exercise. So, you know, it comes from this study where researchers from four different universities were working with 120 couples over the course of two years.

[00:01:14] Jess O'Reilly: So some of these couples were newlyweds and some had been married for years. And during the first year of the study, all participants, all couples were assigned to write about the most significant marital conflict they had experienced in the previous four months. So they did this three times a year, and they were also collecting info on, you know, their relationship overall.

[00:01:34] Jess O'Reilly: So intimacy, trust, passion, commitment, satisfaction, and love. So that's what they did in the first year. They, three times a year, they wrote about their most significant marital conflict. After year one, the whole group was divided in two. So one group, the control group, kept doing the same activity that they did in the first year, wrote about their most significant conflict.

[00:01:52] Jess O'Reilly: But the second group, did an additional writing activity that took around seven minutes on average. And so the quote,

[00:02:00] each partner wrote about the conflict from the perspective of an impartial observer who wants the best for both partners. So they did this three times a year and apparently it made a really significant difference.

[00:02:12] Jess O'Reilly: Just writing about the conflict from a neutral perspective, from the perspective of somebody who wants. both parties to come out on top as a team. And with just three seven minute writing exercises or interventions, they saw really interesting results.

Whether at work or in a personal relationship, rejection can suck. Listen to the SexWithDrJess podcast (above) or read the brief summary and full transcript below. As always, thank you so much for being here and engaging with our content. We appreciate you.

Check out our affiliate links and remember to use code DRJESSVIP at for exclusive savings!

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Code: DRJESSVIP-Save $ + Support Us!

No pressure — but if you’re shopping, use our code DRJESSVIP for exclusive savings and a little support for us, too. Win-Win!

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WE-VIBE.COM

This is an affiliate link. We may earn a commission. Thank you!

Rejection Happens — in the Boardroom and the Bedroom 

We poured through messages from across our community—sexual partners, executives, performers, and friendship groups all shared the ways rejection shows up. Why did this matter so much? Because we tend to feel it more acutely when it threatens a core identity or social capital. 

Practical Strategies to Manage Rejection

Broaden your connection toolbox

If your world runs on sex—or status—build emotional, intellectual, physical, creative, communal ways to feel seen.

Reframe rejection as protection

Sometimes “no” is a headnod from life steering you toward better matches or priorities.

Flip the initiation script

Both people take turns initiating—this sharing builds empathy and reframes what a “no” even means.

Prioritize quality

Better communication and attentiveness in sex and life mean fewer personalizations of “no.”

Let yourself feel

You’re human—sit with the emotions, don’t rush, don’t blame. According to the APA, developing psychological strategies to cope with rejection can help you build emotional resilience and reduce the long-term impact of repeated “nos.”

Rewrite your inner narrative

Spot those “I’m unworthy” loops and replace them with evidence-based truths.

Lean on your circle

Friends, partners, therapists—hold space and shatter the isolation of shame.

Practice rejection

Like auditions or casual dating—it builds resilience if your crew is cheering you on.

Ask what you want

Name the emotional needs—time, recognition, validation—and invite your partner to help meet them—not out of obligation, but nuance.

Shift from “no” to “not now”

Softer refusals paired with alternatives keep connection alive.

Take a beat

That primal panic? Pause. Regulate. Breathe. And reapproach clear-headed.

Derive growth from “no”

Every rejection teaches something—skill, timing, values, boundaries.

 

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More to Read: Internal Link Suggestions

For tools to open these key conversations, check our post on erotic connection – Quick connection exercise for couples.

If you’d like to explore balancing intimacy and exploration, see erotic seduction – The core erotic feeling.

Stay Connected

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Rejection is a life skill. This week, Jess and Brandon revisit a previous conversation about how to deal with someone who pulls away without explanation. They share their own experiences, and weigh in on how to manage the "in-between" when you're not together but haven't quite split up.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

How to Manage Rejection Part 1

Episode 327

[00:00:00] Jess O'Reilly: Hey, hey, we are running a repeat podcast today on the topic of rejection because it's, it's a week of rejection emails.

[00:00:10] Brandon Ware: If you're going to rejection, that's my jam. I'm totally like, let's go. Let's do this.

[00:00:14] Jess O'Reilly: It's your specialty, receiving rejection or rejecting others.

[00:00:17] Brandon Ware: Both.

[00:00:18] Jess O'Reilly: Oh, really? Okay. Uh, anyhow, we received so many questions about dealing with rejection this week.

[00:00:23] Jess O'Reilly: Sometimes these things come in waves and themes and questions about rejection in and out of the bedroom. And a while back, we covered this topic. So we're going to do it again. And I'm going to share that episode with you, which is perfect for me because we are down at my family reunion. Over 60 of us, Chinese Jamaicans, Changs.

[00:00:40] Brandon Ware: This is where the rejection came in. I tried so hard to talk to people, but they just kept rejecting and not listening to me.

[00:00:46] Jess O'Reilly: Well, my family's on transmit, not receive. We talk more than we listen. Anyhow, we're down here. Lots of distractions, lots of food, so much chaos. So much love and I'm happy to get to enjoy it.

[00:00:57] Jess O'Reilly: So without further ado, we'll throw it back to I think March 2022. Here you go.

[00:01:07] Jess O'Reilly: You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight.

[00:01:16] Brandon Ware: Welcome to sex with Dr. Jess podcast. I'm your cohost, Brandon Ware here with my lovely other Dr. Jess.

[00:01:25] Jess O'Reilly: Hello. I'm glad you've stopped making those ASMR sounds. I can do it again for everyone. It's really creepy, your tongue ASMR sounds.

[00:01:36] Jess O'Reilly: I like the sound. There you go. It's the look of your tongue coming out of your mouth I don't like. That's not the point. Ah, well tonight... We're having a quickie. It's the way I like it. I know. Cool brag. Cool, cool brag, bro. We're going to be talking about dating and what to do when someone pulls away. So not when they ghost you, but when they kind of back out out of nowhere.

[00:01:57] Jess O'Reilly: So I did this interview. And people had sent [00:02:00] in this hodgepodge of questions. Hodgepodge? You're 90. Smorgasbord of questions about what to do when a love interest pulls back out of nowhere. So they said, for example, you're hitting it off and then all of a sudden things change. Text messages are sparser.

[00:02:15] Jess O'Reilly: They used to text every day. They don't initiate contact like they used to, but they still respond to you or they're answering with like one word. Whereas they used to call and, you know, send essays, or they're saying that they're busy all of a sudden and don't have as much time, but then they come back and they're messaging you.

[00:02:31] Jess O'Reilly: So basically, they're not communicating that they want to end things,