Why do we remain stuck in the same patterns, compare ourselves to our partner’s past, or wait for an ex to give us closure?

In Episode 26 of Therapy Thursdays, John answers your most personal questions about identity, intimacy, insecurity, attachment and relationships. He explains why meaningful change requires us to let go of an old version of ourselves - and why the familiar can feel safe even when it is making us unhappy.

He also explores what true intimacy looks like after the performance falls away, how to respond when a partner asks for space, and what couples are really trying to communicate beneath everyday arguments. From protest behaviour and defensiveness to breakups, reconciliation and the need for an apology, this episode is about recognising what is happening underneath the surface.

🎙️ Connect with me:

📘 My latest book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. HERE

My book publishing company: Soulprint https://www.soulprintmedia.co

📘 Read my book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on my SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order my book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I’m breaking down the biggest ways I think we sabotage our own healing, relationships, and lives. This conversation came from a post that resonated with millions of people and grew into a series because these patterns are so common - and so easy to mistake for growth.

I talk about why insight isn’t the same as change, why breakups aren’t something we simply “get over,” why divorce doesn’t automatically mean failure, and why chasing happiness can keep us disconnected from a life that actually feels meaningful.

I talk about:

If this episode resonated with you, be sure to follow the podcast, leave a rating, and share it with someone who might need to hear it.

🎙️ Connect with me:

📘 My latest book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. HERE

My book publishing company: Soulprint https://www.soulprintmedia.co

📘 Read my book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on my SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order my book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What happens when I know better but still find myself repeating the same relationship patterns? I answer 10 questions about love, attachment, obsession, loneliness, breakups, abuse, reconciliation, and the difficult choices we make when relationships activate something deeper inside us.

I talk about why we can confuse familiarity with safety, why we sometimes become addicted to what another person does to our nervous system, and how to tell the difference between attachment anxiety and intuition. I also explore why some relationships are worth experiencing even if they aren't meant to last, and why being lonely inside a relationship can make attention from an ex feel so powerful.

In this episode:

• Why repetition compulsion can make us recreate emotional dynamics that hurt us

• How familiar can become confused with safe

• Why obsession with another person can actually be a form of emotional regulation

• How to distinguish attachment anxiety from intuition

• How to tell whether you're fighting for a relationship or fighting against grieving it

• Why not every meaningful relationship has to become a lifelong one

• Why I don't believe there is necessarily one person who is the one

• What loneliness inside a relationship can reveal about what you're actually missing

• Why leaving an abusive relationship can be much more complicated than simply knowing you should leave

• When friendship with an ex is actually just another way of holding on

• Why long-term relationships can become disconnected and what it can look like to find each other again

🎙️ Connect with me:

📘 My latest book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. HERE

My book publishing company: Soulprint https://www.soulprintmedia.co

📘 Read my book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on my SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order my book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What is the difference between loving someone and becoming obsessed with them? In this episode, I explore how love can slowly turn into fixation, fantasy, and emotional dependency, and why so many of us confuse chemistry with compatibility.

Recording from a hotel room, I reflect on my own experiences with emotional intensity, attachment patterns, love addiction, fantasy, and obsession, as well as the challenge of building a life that doesn’t revolve around one person.

In this episode, I talk about:

🎙️ Connect with me:

📘 My latest book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. HERE

My book publishing company: Soulprint https://www.soulprintmedia.co

📘 Read my book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on my SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order my book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The house I grew up in is probably still living inside me. And the house you grew up in may still be living inside you, too.

I’m recording from a diner in Mexico City and exploring one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves: What was the emotional climate of the home I grew up in?

This conversation goes far beyond nostalgia or childhood memories. I explore how the emotional atmosphere we grew up in - whether it was chaotic, unpredictable, emotionally distant, performance-driven, or conflict-avoidant - can continue shaping our relationships, attachment patterns, self-worth, and nervous system responses decades later.

Drawing from my own experiences and years of therapeutic work, I break down four types of emotionally immature parents and how growing up around these dynamics can wire us to become caretakers, perfectionists, conflict avoiders, or people who feel guilty for having needs at all.

This isn’t about blaming our parents. It’s about understanding how those early experiences taught us to relate to ourselves. Because real adulthood begins when we learn how to become the safest place we’ve ever lived.

In this episode:

• Why the emotional climate of your childhood matters more than the physical house

• The signs of an emotionally ruled parent

• How hypervigilance can get mistaken for empathy

• Why driven parents can unintentionally tie love to achievement

• What passive parents can teach us about conflict and boundaries

• How rejecting parents can create adults who apologize for existing

• Why we often choose familiarity in relationships, not randomness

• The connection between childhood emotional neglect and adult anxious attachment

• What reparenting actually looks like in everyday life

• The question I want you to ask yourself about the emotional climate you may still be carrying today

🎙️ Connect with me:

📘 My latest book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. HERE

My book publishing company: Soulprint https://www.soulprintmedia.co

📘 Read my book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on my SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order my book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In this Therapy Thursdays episode, I’m answering the relationship and personal-growth questions we often think about but don’t always know how to ask.

What does an emotionally safe relationship actually feel like? How do you know if you’re settling - or simply navigating the normal challenges of being with someone? When does a relationship push you toward growth, and when does it start pulling you away from yourself?

I also get into how living in survival mode can shape the way we move through adulthood, why happiness can’t always be postponed until life finally looks the way we want it to, and what it means to build a life that feels more expansive than constricting.

Healthy doesn’t mean easy. But the challenges in your life and relationships should ultimately help you become someone you recognize—and someone you actually like.

🎙️ Connect with me:

📘 My latest book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. HERE

My book publishing company: Soulprint https://www.soulprintmedia.co

📘 Read my book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on my SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order my book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When is enough enough?

What if the life you're chasing is based on someone else's definition of success? In this conversation, John Kim and Buddy Wakefield explore the difference between going wide and going deep, and why fulfillment may have less to do with fame, money, and recognition than we think.

From poetry, Portugal, and Los Angeles to money, hope, and the pressure to constantly achieve more, this episode is a raw and honest reflection on potential, ambition, and what actually makes a life feel meaningful.

In this episode, John and Buddy talk about:

If this episode resonated with you, follow the podcast, leave a rating, and share it with someone who has been measuring their worth by how wide they've gone instead of how deeply they've lived.

Connect with Buddy:

https://www.buddywakefield.com/

https://www.instagram.com/buddywakefield

🎙️ Connect with John:

📘 My latest book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. HERE

My book publishing company: Soulprint https://www.soulprintmedia.co

📘 Read my book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on my SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order my book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What if the biggest factor affecting your mental health isn’t what happens to you, but which container you’re paying attention to?

In this personal check-in from Mexico City, I reflect on the difference between the macro container - the collective world of politics, climate change, technology, uncertainty, and fear - and the micro container - your relationships, work, family, community, and daily life.

After losing my home in the Altadena fires and spending the last year rebuilding my life in a completely different way, I’ve been thinking a lot about how perspective, attention, and emotional frequency can shape the way we experience our circumstances.

In this episode, I talk about:

● The difference between the macro world and the micro world

● How social media can keep us trapped in fear and hopelessness

● Why losing my home changed my perspective on time and possibility

● What travel has taught me about identity and freedom

● How surfing and beach life have helped me regulate my nervous system

● Why survival mode became my default for most of my life

● The question I’m asking myself: which container is shaping my frequency?

If this episode resonated with you, follow the podcast, leave a rating, and share it with someone who needs the reminder that while we can’t control the entire world, we can still shape the world immediately around us.

🎙️ Connect with me:

📘 My latest book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. HERE

My book publishing company: Soulprint https://www.soulprintmedia.co

📘 Read my book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on my SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order my book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Stop losing yourself to love.

What if codependency isn't just about your relationships with other people, but your relationship with yourself?

In this episode, John and Vanessa explore why recovering from codependency is really about building a stronger sense of identity. They explain how people pleasing, lacking boundaries, and fearing rejection can keep us disconnected from who we really are, and why choosing authenticity over self-abandonment is essential for healthier relationships.

In this episode:

• Why codependency recovery is really identity work

• How people pleasing can become a way to avoid yourself

• The connection between resentment, boundaries, and self-abandonment

• Why some relationships change or end when you begin healing

• The difference between healthy love and the version of love many of us were taught

• How corrective experiences help you build a stronger relationship with yourself

If you enjoyed this episode, follow the podcast, leave a rating, and share it with someone who might need to hear it.

🔗 Resources & Links

👉 Apply to Inner Compass Academy: https://www.vanessabennett.com/inner-compass-academy

👉 Follow Vanessa on Instagram @vanessasbennett

👉 Author of “The Motherhood Myth” Buy the Book Here: https://shorturl.at/Thsny

🎙️ More about John:

📘 My latest book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. HERE

John’s book publishing company: Soulprint https://www.soulprintmedia.co

📘 Read John’s book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John’s book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What happens when life forces you to start over?

In this personal check-in, John Kim reflects on the unexpected lessons that came from rebuilding his life after losing his home. From learning to surf at 53 to finding clarity through travel and stepping out of survival mode, this episode explores what it means to reconnect with yourself and embrace a different way of living.

In this episode:

• Why learning to surf became more than just a new hobby

• How reconnecting with old parts of yourself can lead to real growth

• The unexpected ways Costa Rica has reshaped his perspective on life

• What travel has taught him about identity, home, and possibility

• The difference between living in survival mode and living with intention

• Why changing your environment can change the way you see yourself

If this episode resonated with you, be sure to follow the podcast, leave a rating, and share it with someone who might need to hear it.

🎙️ More about John:

📘 My latest book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. HERE

John’s book publishing company: Soulprint https://www.soulprintmedia.co

📘 Read John’s book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John’s book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices