In this episode, I walk through my past relationships and take ownership of the ways I’ve been unsafe.

I share specific moments - steamrolling my ex-wife with logic instead of empathy, making subtle body comments that landed harder than I understood, ending relationships abruptly, and moving on too quickly after a breakup. At the time, I justified a lot of it. Looking back, I see the impact.

I also talk about asking my current partner to tell me how I’ve made her feel unsafe over the past eight years. I held her, promised not to defend myself, and listened.

And I cried.

This isn’t about shame. It’s about ownership.

If you’re a man listening, the question isn’t “Am I a good guy?”It’s: Where have I been unsafe — and what would it mean to do better?

🎙️ Host Links:

📘 Read John’s new book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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Most of us were never taught how to communicate in relationships.

So we react.

We defend.

We assume.

We build resentment.

In this solo episode, John reframes “communication” as something deeper: intimacy, attunement, and repair.

Because it’s not the conflict that destroys relationships — it’s the lack of repair.

John breaks down how to “fight without fighting,” including:

• Trying to understand before trying to be understood

• Naming your activation instead of attacking

• Taking ownership to create repair

• Setting intentional time to practice connection

• Using I statements and watching tone

• Using touch and body language to soften conflict

• Listening while considering your partner’s story

Healthy intimacy isn’t chemistry. It’s skill.

And every conflict is a chance to break a pattern — or repeat one.

🎙️ Host Links:

📘 Read John’s new book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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In this episode, I answer your questions about breakups, expired relationships, and finding the courage to choose yourself.

We talk about how to let go when you’re struggling to accept it’s over, how to know if a relationship is worth saving, and what it really takes to leave. I also break down the real stages of a relationship, advice for your first one, and how to slow yourself down while dating.

This one is about self-trust, endings, and learning to stop clinging to what’s already expired.

Let’s get into it.

🎙️ Host Links:

📘 Read John’s new book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack⁠ ⁠HERE⁠⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available ⁠HERE⁠

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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A breakup can feel like the end of everything. But what if it’s actually the beginning?

In this episode, John shares a deeply personal reflection on fear, identity, divorce, and what relationships are really meant to do in our lives. Inspired by a nostalgic moment listening to “Borderline” by Madonna, he explores how certain songs — and certain people — instantly transport us back to who we were.

John challenges the idea that you were supposed to be the hero in someone’s life. Maybe you were the bridge. And maybe they were a bridge for you.

He dives into:

• Why some relationships are meant to expire

• The truth about closure (and why it’s ongoing)

• How to stop outsourcing your worth to a partner

• The powerful question: Who am I without them?

• The difference between your pseudo self and solid self

• Why endings are not the opposite of beginnings

If you’re going through a breakup — or still carrying residue from one — this episode reframes the pain as instruction. Profound pain carries profound growth.

Breakups don’t just take something from you. They expose you to yourself.

Key Takeaway

Instead of asking why it ended, ask:

What was I outsourcing in this relationship that I now need to own?

That question alone can change everything.

Cultural Note

This episode references the song “Borderline” by Madonna as part of a personal reflection. All rights to the song belong to the respective copyright holders.

🎙️ Host Links:

📘 Read John’s new book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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Are you tired of just surviving your past, feeling like old wounds dictate your present?

Imagine a life where emotional freedom isn't just a dream, but a daily reality. This video isn't about quick fixes; it's about the radical, yet gentle power of consistent habits to transform your deepest hurts into your greatest strengths.

🎙️ Host Links:

📘 Read John’s new book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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What if the thing shaping almost every decision you make is happening quietly — without you realizing it?

John breaks down a powerful idea from psychologist and Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman: there are two selves at play — the experiencing self (who lives life moment-to-moment) and the remembering self (who tells the story and makes most decisions).

When those two don’t agree, you can end up living a life that looks “right” on paper… but still feels empty inside.

MENTIONED / LINKS (Daniel Kahneman – Nobel Prize)

Nobel Prize profile (2002, Economic Sciences): https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/economic-sciences/2002/kahneman/facts/

Daniel Kahneman (Wikipedia): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daniel_Kahneman

Thinking, Fast and Slow (book): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thinking,_Fast_and_Slow

PRACTICAL TAKEAWAYS (2-QUESTION FILTER)

Before a major decision (work, love, moves, commitments), ask:

🎙️ Host Links:

📘 Read John’s new book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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In this episode, John sits down with therapist Taune for a wide-ranging, honest conversation about the love lessons that shaped them — and the patterns many of us keep repeating without realizing it.

They explore how chemistry can masquerade as care, why intensity often feels familiar even when it’s unhealthy, and how relationships quietly shift when attraction turns into caretaking. Along the way, they unpack trauma bonding, attunement, playfulness, power dynamics, and what it really takes to sustain intimacy over time.

This is not a neat, list-driven episode. It’s a real conversation — the long way home — filled with reflection, humor, and uncomfortable truths about love, relationships, and self-abandonment.

🔗 Guest Links:

IG https://www.instagram.com/taunelyons

Substack: https://www.comingtooursenses.substack.com

Website: https://www.taunelyons.com

🎙️ Host Links:

📘 Read John’s new book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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In this episode, John answers listener questions about breakups, emotional cheating, boredom in relationships, scarcity mindset, defensiveness, and what it really means to compromise without abandoning yourself.

Why is it harder to let go when things ended “well”? Is emotional cheating still cheating? When do needs become “demands”? And how much space is too much space for an avoidant partner?

This episode is about self-respect, emotional safety, and learning how to stay connected without losing yourself.

We explore:

If you’ve ever wondered whether you’re asking for too much — or settling for too little — this one’s for you.

🎙️ Host Links:

📘 Read John’s new book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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Love doesn’t disappear - it changes.

In this episode, John Kim explores the stages of love, from early fantasy to real connection. If you’ve ever questioned the spark, the shift, or the “middle” of a relationship, this will help you understand what’s normal, what’s real, and what’s worth building.

This is a conversation about choosing depth over fantasy - and learning what real love actually asks of us.

🎙️ Host Links:

Surf, Sex & Pancakes - Join John Kim for a surf retreat in Costa Rica.

More information: HERE

Sign up HERE

📘 Read John’s new book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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John sits down in Costa Rica (yes, literally in a golf cart) with two therapists — Vanessa Bennett and Madeleine Downey — for a “therapists are humans too” episode built around questions you’d ask in therapy… that end up turning into real-time revelations about identity after 40, emotional safety, and what we stop tolerating once we’ve lived a little.

This conversation lands especially hard if you’re in that season of life where you’re asking: Why doesn’t the old version of me fit anymore? and What do I actually want now — in love, in friendship, in myself?

Inner Compass Academy (Next cohort starts Feb 15, 2026) Apply Here: https://www.vanessabennett.com/inner-compass-academy

If you apply, make sure to mention you were referred by The Angry Therapist Podcast - and if you’re approved, you’ll get $100 off.

🔗 Guest Links: Madeleine Downey

Instagram: @madeleinedowney

Substack (It’s Giving Alchemy): https://madeleinedowney.substack.com

Shadow Work Group – Inner Compass Collective: https://inner-compass-collective.circle.so/

Vanessa Bennett

Instagram @vanessasbennett

Apply to Inner Compass Academy: https://www.vanessabennett.com/inner-compass-academy

Author of “The Motherhood Myth” Buy the Book Here: https://www.amazon.com/Motherhood-Myth-Reimagining-Expectations-Partnership/dp/1649633416

🎙️ Host Links:

Surf, Sex & Pancakes - Join John Kim for a surf retreat in Costa Rica.

More information: HERE

Sign up HERE

📘 Read John’s new book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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