In this Therapy Thursdays episode, John answers some of the hardest relationship questions people carry quietly: trust after infidelity, emotional disconnection, fading desire, avoidant partners, honesty that hurts, and the pain of knowing when it may be time to let go.

He explores what it really takes to rebuild trust, why emotional depth matters, what can motivate someone to finally do the work, and how to move through guilt, disappointment, and heartbreak without abandoning yourself.

If you have ever felt torn between hope and reality in love, this episode will give you clarity, language, and perspective.

🎙️ More about John:

📘 Pre order my new book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. https://a.co/d/031PzkW4

📘 Read John’s book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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Turning 53 has John reflecting on what actually matters.

In this birthday episode, he shares five revelations shaped by loss, growth, love, and starting over. From losing his house to finding more meaning, joy, and freedom, this is a deeply personal conversation about accepting the truth, living in alignment, and letting life change you. He talks about why growth often feels like loss before it feels like expansion, why love is something we build and practice, and why starting over is not failure but a skill.

This episode feels like a check-in with yourself. A reminder that what was true for you before may not be true now. That chasing highs will never give you the kind of life alignment can. That love is less about finding the perfect feeling and more about consistency, repair, and honesty. And that no matter your age, you can begin again.

If you’ve been reevaluating your life, grieving an old version of yourself, or wondering whether it’s too late to change course, this episode will meet you there.

In this episode:

🎙️ Host Links:

📘 Pre order my new book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. https://a.co/d/031PzkW4

📘 Read John’s book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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In this episode, John Kim sits down with relationship expert and author Amy Chan to talk about dating patterns, childhood wounds, grief, commitment, and what it really takes to build healthy love.

Amy shares how the sudden loss of a close friend changed the way she thinks about relationships and why creating core memories with the people you love matters more than convenience. John opens up about how losing his home reshaped his idea of freedom, home, and what truly matters. Together, they explore how childhood neglect, validation-seeking, and old survival strategies continue to shape adult dating patterns.

They also break down Amy’s framework for dating smarter, including how to spot where your dating life gets stuck, why apps should not be your only strategy, and how your energy affects connection. They talk about dopamine, fantasy, and why the first three months of dating can be misleading.

Later, they unpack commitment, unrealistic expectations, relationship trade-offs, triggers, repair, and emotional safety. Amy explains her “Sh*t Bucket” concept and why healthy love is not about finding a perfect partner, but choosing someone whose imperfections you can actually live with.

They close with a hopeful reminder: love is hard, but it is still worth building.

In this episode:

About Amy Chan:

Amy Chan is the author of Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love that Lasts — a fun, science-backed dating guide that helps people interrupt the relationship patterns keeping love just out of reach and build healthier, lasting connections.

Dubbed the “scientific Carrie Bradshaw” by The Observer, Amy has been a trusted voice in modern relationships for nearly two decades. In 2016, she founded Renew Breakup Bootcamp, the world’s first heartbreak retreat. She also leads Dating Bootcamp and is on faculty at Esalen and The Omega Institute.

Her first book, Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, was featured in The New York Times and optioned by a major streaming network. Her work has appeared in The Wall Street Journal, Good Morning America, The Today Show, The New Yorker, The Guardian, and USA Today.

Books:

Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love That Lasts (Pre-order) https://amzn.to/48xS01r

Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Hearthttps://amzn.to/3wBZxxi

Websites:

www.renewbreakupbootcamp.com

www.renewbootcamps.com

www.missamychan.com

www.hearthackersclub.com

www.UnsingleByAmyChan.com (launching soon)

Connect with Amy:

Instagram Handle: https://www.instagram.com/missamychan

LinkedIn URL: https://www.linkedin.com/in/missamychan/

Tik Tok Handle: https://www.tiktok.com/@missamychan

Twitter Handle: www.twitter.com/missamychan

YouTube Handle: https://www.youtube.com/missamychan 

🎙️ Host Links:

📘 Pre order my new book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. https://a.co/d/031PzkW4

📘 Read John’s book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Love can feel intoxicating. The chemistry, the obsession, the constant thinking about someone, the emotional highs and lows. But just because love feels intense does not mean it is healthy.

In this episode, John Kim explores one of the most important relationship questions you can ask yourself: Is your love acting like a drug, or is it becoming medicine?

He breaks down how love can become something you use to regulate your worth, soothe your anxiety, or escape yourself. He also explains how healthy love, while not always comfortable, can become a powerful place for self-awareness, healing, and growth.

John unpacks the difference between addictive love and healing love, why intensity is not always intimacy, and how attachment wounds can disguise themselves as chemistry. He also shares what needs to happen for love to shift from something that destabilizes you to something that helps you become more grounded, honest, and self-connected.

If you have ever confused passion with pain, chased reassurance, or lost yourself trying to hold onto a relationship, this episode will help you look at love more clearly.

A self-check for your relationship

Your internal state

Do I feel anxious more than I feel grounded in this connection or relationship?

Your behavior
Do I change how I show up based on how they are acting?
Do I overgive, overtext, or overexplain when I feel distance?
Do I ignore things that do not feel right to keep the connection?
Do I try to manage how they see me instead of just being myself?

Your relationship to discomfort
When I feel triggered, do I reach for them instead of sitting with myself?
Do I avoid conflict to keep things good?
Do I stay longer than I should because of potential?
Do I confuse intimacy with intensity?

Your clarity
Do I know where I stand, or am I often guessing?
Am I in love with who they are or who I hope they will become?
Am I choosing them, or am I trying to be chosen?

Your identity
Do I feel more like myself in this relationship or less?
Am I proud of how I show up here?
If this ended today, would I feel broken or grounded in myself?

Final question
In this relationship, am I trying to feel better, or am I trying to become better?

🎙️ Host Links:

📘 Pre order my new book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. https://a.co/d/031PzkW4

📘 Read John’s book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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What happens when a city-built life gets interrupted, and something quieter begins to call you in?

In this episode, John Kim sits down with Brooks Wilson for a conversation about nature, nervous system regulation, mindfulness, healing, and what it means to move through life with more intention. Brooks shares what it was like growing up in Tamarindo, Costa Rica before major development, how nature shaped her from an early age, and how surfing, yoga, sound healing, and ceremony became part of her path.

Together, John and Brooks explore the contrast between fast-paced city living and a slower, more grounded way of being. They talk about presence, eye contact, human connection, gratitude, manifestation, and the healing power of sound, nature, and community. John also opens up about how his move to Costa Rica has been reshaping him after major life upheaval, and why this season feels less like escape and more like medicine.

This is a conversation about returning to what matters, learning to listen differently, and finding alignment in unexpected places.

Brooks Wilson is a Costa Rica–based yoga teacher, sound healer, and ceremonial guide. You can learn more about her work here:

About
https://vibracionesexpansivas.com/about

Book a session
https://vibracionesexpansivas.com/sessions

Journeys and retreats
https://vibracionesexpansivas.com/journeys/india

🎙️ Host Links:

📘 Pre order my new book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. https://a.co/d/031PzkW4

📘 Read John’s book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In this episode of Therapy Thursdays, John responds to listener questions about love, trust, identity, and the emotional patterns that keep us stuck. He explores the difference between real love and limerence, why some people struggle to let love in, and how fear can disguise itself as protection, control, or certainty.

He also gets into the tension between equality and fairness in relationships, what it means to outgrow an old identity, and how past betrayal, heartbreak, or attachment wounds can shape the way we connect. From red flags and self-worth to trust after infidelity, this episode is a deep dive into the patterns that quietly run our relationships.

If you have ever wondered whether what you are feeling is love, fear, fantasy, or unresolved pain, this conversation will help you look deeper.

🎙️ Host Links:

📘 Pre order my new book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. https://a.co/d/031PzkW4

📘 Read John’s book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

How do childhood wounds, past relationships, and old emotional patterns shape your definition of love?

In this episode, John Kim explores how relationship residue turns into distorted definitions of love. He breaks down how early experiences, family dynamics, unhealthy conflict, self-sacrifice, and internalized pain can create a damaging love blueprint that follows us into adulthood.

John unpacks the unhealthy ways many people define love, including love as self-sacrifice, possession, completion, and dependency. He explains how these distorted beliefs can lead to codependency, control, unrealistic expectations, self-abandonment, and unhealthy relationship patterns.

He also shares how heartbreak, expired relationships, and self-awareness can become a corrective love experience that helps you redefine love in a healthier way. Instead of losing yourself in romance, healthy love is built through interdependence, communication, compassion, conflict repair, individuality, and emotional growth.

If you’ve ever struggled with attachment wounds, toxic relationship patterns, fear of abandonment, or confusion about what real love looks like, this episode will help you question the definitions you inherited and create a healthier, more grounded version of love.

🎙️ Host Links:

📘Pre order my new book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. https://a.co/d/031PzkW4

📘 Read John’s book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In this episode, John sits down for a layered conversation on erotica, desire, safety, and what it really means to feel alive in your life and relationships.

They explore the idea that erotica is not just about sex, but about presence, sensuality, connection, and being fully turned on by your own life instead of moving through it on autopilot. The conversation also unpacks why sex and closeness can feel so different for different people, how safety shapes intimacy, and why desire often changes in long-term relationships.

John, Madeleine and Vanessa also talk about self-abandonment, the pressure we put on romantic relationships, the tension between love and freedom, and the importance of living not just from the mind, but from the body and soul too.

This episode is about intimacy, embodiment, emotional truth, and learning how to stay connected to yourself while building deeper connection with someone else.

🔗 Resources & Links

👉 Apply to Inner Compass Academy: https://www.vanessabennett.com/inner-compass-academy

👉 Follow Vanessa

Instagram https://www.instagram.com/vanessasbennett

👉 Author of “The Motherhood Myth” Buy the Book Here: https://www.amazon.com/Motherhood-Myth-Reimagining-Expectations-Partnership/dp/1649633416

Madeleine Downey

IG: https://www.instagram.com/MadeleineDowney

Substack: https://madeleinedowney.substack.com 

🎙️ Host Links:

📘Pre order my new book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. https://a.co/d/031PzkW4

📘 Read John’s book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In this episode, John talks with Robin Ducharme about her new book, Real Love Ready, and the deeper work of learning how to love well. They explore grief, forgiveness, childhood patterns, codependency, and the myths about love that keep people stuck.

Robin shares how losing her twin brother changed her life and why relational literacy may be one of the most important skills we can develop.

If you want healthier relationships with yourself and others, this conversation is for you.

Guest Links:

Book: https://geni.us/RealLoveReadyBook

In Bloom Summit April 10-12, 2026, in Vancouver, BC and Online: www.inbloomsummit.com

Real Love Ready Website: www.realloveready.com

Real Love Ready Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/realloveready/

🎙️ Host Links:

📘 Pre order my new book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. https://a.co/d/031PzkW4

📘 Read John’s book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

John explores how many of us are loving from a definition we never consciously chose. From family dynamics to heartbreak and old emotional imprints, he breaks down how our love blueprint gets formed and why it keeps pulling us into familiar patterns.

He also shares three practical homework exercises to help you uncover your current definition of love, identify your relationship patterns, and separate real chemistry from emotional familiarity.

If you keep ending up in the same relationship with a different face, this episode is for you.

🎙️ Host Links:

Pre order my new book, Love Hard On Purpose. Toss the blueprints. Build something honest. https://a.co/d/031PzkW4

📘 Read John’s book in progress Sh*t Your Therapist Would Never Tell You on John’s SubStack ⁠HERE⁠

If you’re ready for deeper work, the Secure Self course is available HERE

Order John's new book, Break Up. On Purpose,⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Follow John on Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Find out more about John⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ HERE⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices