Too Smart For This

Earlier this year I saw a TikTok from a girl talking about how she’s the first woman in her family ever to live alone. I’ve been the first in my family to do many things - go out of state for college, not have a child by age 25, or make six figures - but living alone wasn’t an accomplishment I prided myself in. I suddenly swelled with gratitude as I looked around at my girly apartment full of pink accents and treasures from my travels. The gravity had been lost on me.

During the election, more of these opportunities I’d taken for granted came to light. It’s not that I didn’t know history (hello, literal Political Science degree), but I hadn’t contextualized it with my daily life. Reminded of the recency of women’s rights to vote, get credit cards, sign a lease, and even get birth control on their own, I thought of my grandmothers.

Ruth, my white grandmother who raised me, and my godmother Lorraine, a Black family friend who she enlisted to ensure I had representation growing up, were both serendipitously born on the same day in 1953. Ruth went on to drop out of college to get married and raise five children, and of course she did - she wouldn’t have even been able to get a bank account on her own until she was 20. Lorraine was the first woman in her family who would be able to vote when she turned 18 - a right Black women weren’t granted until she was 12.

These women raised me to love and believe in myself constantly, resulting in an optimistic confidence core to my identity. And if you’re lucky enough to know first-hand, there’s nothing stronger than a grandmother’s prayer. These ladies kneeled at their beds every night to ask God for my health, happiness, and success. But at the same time, they wanted me to be safe, and that meant getting married.

Subliminally, overtly, consciously and unconsciously, women have been taught that security comes from a relationship and children (hello, Disney princesses.) The recent rise of TradWife culture, #SoftLife vlogs, and the prominence of picture-perfect Mormon mom bloggers on the zeitgeist has shifted young womens’ ideals back towards a “traditional” model, but the world around us has evolved.

Today, 50% of marriages end in divorce. One in three women will experience domestic violence. With an economy that’s constantly changing, a climate that’s crumbling, and relying on a relationship to be your saving grace could leave you devastated. To be truly free, women must be economically and emotionally free.

And it’s hard. We forget this is all new. Women have not had the opportunity to build our own futures for very long, so of course we are stressed out. Of course we’re holding on to outdated opinions on what we need to do to be happy. Of course we retreat to fantasy to make up for the fact that yes, we are alone in this, and we’ve never really seen how that plays out at scale. The world has shifted, and to quote a bretman rock tiktok, I’ve only been doing this for two fucking days!!!

In my time at Wharton, I’ve watched the most amazing, intelligent women shrivel into emotional wrecks over mediocre men who can barely get themselves dressed in the morning (disclaimer: I’m talking about myself too, IYKYK) If I haven’t already said this enough - we are too smart to be doing that.

This isn’t to say I plan to decenter men from my life - flirting is a lifestyle for me - but it’s to say that letting go of the idea of being “saved” or “chosen” is the best way to keep ourselves safe. It’s my mission with my content and this podcast to show you the realities of women opting into crafting fulfilling lives without having to dim their dreams.

To be truly free as a woman today is to have your own life. When you make your own money and make your own happiness, no one can control you. Yes, it’s way WAY harder for us to do that given the discrimination in this country, but there are ways. And those ways are what we’re talking about in today’s episode.

As I wrote this, I got a text from my mom, who I’ve barely updated all semester while I juggle my 2384238 responsibilities.

We’re evolving. This is new for us. But we can do it. We’re evolving. Sending you a grandmother’s prayer.

In the post-election landscape, I'm sharing tips on building emotional and financial autonomy so that you can't be controlled or manipulated by anyone. 

PHILLY: Join me for a candle making class with Cork & Candle. Select Nov 19 at 6pm here: https://tables.toasttab.com/restaurants/dfde9e56-62d5-4113-9c36-b6d8e579783d/findTime

Resources mentioned:

* The Psychology of Money

* I Will Teach You To Be Rich

* Ellevest

Too Collective:

* Too Collective Website

* Too Collective Affirmation Texts

* Follow Too Collective on Instagram

Follow Alexis on Social Media:

* Instagram

* TikTok

* YouTube

In this episode, we’re diving into “The Winter Arc,” a time for setting new goals, developing new habits, and building discipline for self-improvement before the New Year. 

6:04 - 4 types of rests report

11:06 - creating your winter character

12:47 - time management

15:00 - journaling

17:06 - using ai as your personal assistant

19:06 - redefine your relationship with social media

22:00 - wellness tips and recs

28:00 - leveling up

NEW: get your Robe customized at toocollective.com/shop

Hope in a Jar Philosophy Moisturizer

Then I Met You Rich Cream (get as gift with purchase with a robe)

Supergoop Glow Screen

Summer Fridays Jet Lag Mask

Skin Fix Collagen Plus Serum

Josie Maran Body Butter

Nivea Cream

Johnson & Johnson Baby Gel

LMNT Electrolytes - Mango Chili Salt

Awola Water Bottle

Binto Supplements

Satori Laser

almost every episode of Too Smart For This returns to the theme of external validation.

but today’s perspective shift helps us interrogate our goals so we can be less skeptical of them and more in tune with ourselves. if your current life missions are starting to feel a little less resonant, this episode will give you the tools to help clarify what really makes you tick.

EPISODE NOTESQuote:

"I have already settled it for myself so flattery and criticism go down the same drain and I am quite free" - Georgia O'Keeffe

Previous episodes about perfectionism:- He broke up with me for being too much:

- How to deal with people who try to make you feel small:

LINKS:

Reformation Low Rise Jeans

Shop Too Collective

Preorder the Too Smart For This Guided Journal

when you’re being pulled in a million different directions, you need systems for managing life’s curveballs.

in this episode, I dive into the frameworks I use to manage my time, energy, and emotions in the insane life I live! this was highly requested, so I hope you enjoy!

Shop the Too Chill Robe

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Over the last 10 chaotic days since we’ve launched the Too Chill robe and had our first community event in NYC, there’s been little room for relaxation or reflection. Personal issues big and small bubble into my inbox hourly, leaving my head spinning from the good and bad.

While my reality looks like overgrown nails, frozen Trader Joe’s meals, and staring at a (brand new because mine broke the day of our launch party 🙃) computer screen flush with asks from school and work, I still feel an inner sense of peace. This is shocking to me, Little Miss Frantic™️, who has won the award for Most Dramatic in multiple camp, school AND work settings.

I shared in a few episodes back that adjusting back to the second year of my MBA hasn’t been as easy as I thought it would be, with new and old interpersonal dynamics threatening my carefully crafted routines. As I’ve actively stepped into the role of ~entrepreneur~ by joining the Wharton startup accelerator and worked on launching our third Too Collective product, new commitments and sacrifices have me meeting a new version of myself.

And it’s uncomfortable. From learning to stand on business and not text an ex back to unexpected brand invoices or receiving difficult business feedback, I’ve been exercising my emotional regulation skills often, with one new insight being the secret weapon to staying afloat.

Once the first few minutes of a setback have stung my soul and I might even feel some tears well up, two thoughts automatically sweep in to ease the pain: “everything happens to teach me something,” and “this is temporary.”

The Everything Happens For A Reason self-soother has been a constant thanks to my grandmother’s constant repetition of the phrase, but I think I was always afraid to face the “this is temporary.” If everything is temporary, how would I feel stable?

Ah ha! I’ve long tried to untangle where my perfectionism comes from and deduced it to some combination of trauma (duh) and my astrology, maybe(?). But it was only recently that I realized why I like the feeling of getting it right so much - it’s safe.

I always wanted things to feel stable, but I erroneously extrapolated that that feeling would somehow be there forever if I got it right. The logic went: If I’m perfect, I’ll never have to deal with this uncomfortable emotion again, yay!!

Bffr. Pain, sadness, disappointment, and envy are inevitable. Without them, we don’t get to feel pleasure, happiness, surprise, or contentment. These feelings - good and bad - are temporary, whereas the stability I was searching for in hoarding them is actually my own ability to face and conquer them.

I think I’m really starting to get what they mean by “enjoy the journey.” Because things don’t have to be permanent to be perfect - or perfect at all, really.

I hope this episode resonates with you. Love you longtime, and shop the latest Too Collective drop now.

xx

Alexis

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I’m the first woman in my family who has not had at least one child by my age.

Yes, I’m only 25, but the culture I grew up in prioritized having a relationship and children above all else. 

When I decided to go to college out of state, move to New York City, start my own business, and even go to graduate school, I was the only person I knew who did anything of the sort. 

But every time I returned from the big city, the question would remain the same: “do you have a boyfriend?” It evolved when I got into a long-term relationship: “why don’t you get married? You need to have kids soon or you’ll be an old mom.”

Questions about my education, business, or extensive travels were rare. While I thought I was above it because I was building my own life, I subconsciously was programmed to cling to a partner, plan for marriage, and stay with that person at all costs.

There had never been any room to question what I wanted out of a relationship, I simply was focused on being in one. 

So in my first year being single since I was 17 years old, I was not only struggling to figure out how to text a man back (my least favorite activity BY FAR) or get dressed for a date, but I also grappled with defining my standards for a partner.

When I’d dish to my girlfriends (and therapist) about my boy problems, one simple question kept taking the breath out of me:

“Well, what do you want?”

What do you MEAN? I get to decide what I want and what works for me out of a relationship?

It sounds silly to say, but I didn’t know I had the power to choose that. I thought relationships were fated, and that once you had a connection with someone you would focus on giving it your all. Many women operate the same way: focusing on the title instead of deciding exactly what they need, want, and deserve, and sticking to it.

Through a few Raya dates, way-too-long situationships, and a lot of experiencing what I didn’t want, I settled on what I did want, and thought I’d found someone who wanted to be that for me.

But when he abruptly ended things because “my standards were too high,” instead of lowering them, I started to feel a sense of pride for believing in myself and my dreams above all else. Now, the standards are just getting higher.

I hope this episode reminds you that you’re never too much for the right person. It’s one of my favorites ever.

xx,

Alexis

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Nothing soothes a Type-A girl’s spirit more than a plan.

A calendar invite for your girls’ dinner? Iconic. An organized grocery list with the exact right amount of ingredients? Sign me up.

Back-to-school planning has always been my favorite time of year. I was, in fact, that child After months of unstructured hot days filled with the expectation of “FUN! AT! ALL! COSTS!” it feels refreshing to return to productivity.

Something in the air (literally - we got crisper mornings and it was also a Virgo New Moon) shifted after Labor Day, and it feels like a real fresh start. In the season of Beyonce’s birthday, I’m taking inspiration from her to focus in on how I want to spend the rest of 2024. In this episode, we’re talking reorganizing, mindset shifts, and some favorites for the season.

whether you’re into fall or mourning the summer, I hope this episode gets you excited for whatever aspirations you’re working towards.

avorite products mentioned:

Acupuncture mat

Edikted

Fall back to school fit (low rise jeans and cardigan)

Nutraful (hair growth)

Kaai bag

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In this episode, I share four practices that were crucial in helping me recover from a pretty intense burnout. Burnout is more common than we realize, and it often feels like laziness when, in reality, it runs much deeper. I hope this episode helps you regain control and gives you the momentum to move towards a more balanced, and feel-good life.

Subscribe to the Too Smart For This Substack: https://alexisbarber.substack.com/

TOO COLLECTIVE X THEN I MET YOU LABOR DAY SALE

Did somebody say free product? You can now get a FREE full-size Then I Met You Rich Cream (worth $60!) with any purchase of a Too Collective product, while supplies last!

And for Labor Day, we’re offering 25% off our celebrity-approved bathrobes. These will go fast, so get yours and be prepped for the crisp days ahead this fall. Subscribe to our email list to get the code in your inbox!

Shop Too Collective here

Last August, as I nervously navigated Penn's campus during orientation, every step was clouded by anxieties about my uncertain future.

Would I make any friends who weren’t just dying for a LinkedIn connection? Would my rusty math skills lead me to fail out? Would my peers take me seriously as an “influencer?”

Would my book deal get sold? Would my relationship last? Would my business survive?

A year later, a new version of Alexis Barber prepares to step on campus with a multitude of failures (see: a C- in statistics?) and extremely (!!!) unexpected successes: Too Collective prepares to launch our third and fourth products this fall fresh off a major celebrity collaboration, I finished writing the Too Smart For This journal with Penguin Random House (huh???) while doing a little too much drinking socializing with the new friends I’m obsessed with, and I’m still somehow an influencer you all tune in to watch every day (thank you for that, fr!)

And, I think you know what happened to my relationship. Business school is not for the weak!

My mental health was entirely hanging on by a thread as I bounced between feeling heartbroken, overwhelmed, challenged, and hungover. Still, I now credit every experience with introducing me to a new version of myself, one that was lowkey there all along.

I’m more myself, and that’s become my measure of confidence. 

In this week’s episode of Too Smart For This, I share the identity shift philosophy that I have applied as I’ve morphed into a more confident version of myself.

Could I credit all of this to my frontal lobe developing? Sure, but I also think these tactics I’ve identified can help you make progress in any area of your life.

Remember, if your “confidence” is coming from anywhere but within, it’s not real. I hope you love this episode. 

xx, Alexis

p.s., if you do love the ep, leave a comment! we have that now! that’s so fun!

SUBSCRIBE TO THE SUBSTACK: https://alexisbarber.substack.com/subscribe

Watch this episode on YouTube

JOURNAL PROMPTS FOR THIS EPISODE:

* How have I been showing up the past few weeks?

* What identities would I want to be defined by?

* How would I want people to describe me when I’m not in the room?

* What environment do I have to create to show up as the person that I want to authentically become?

THIS WEEK’S FAVORITES: 

Revolve Beauty is 20% off till Saturday, so it’s a perfect time to pick up some of my favorite wellness essentials like my Acupressure mat that I lay on every night to unwind, The Skinny Confidential Mouth Tape that’s helped me reduce mouth breathing, and my tried-and-true Arrae Bloat pills.

My beauty go-tos like the magical SuperGoop Glow Screen and Charlotte Tilbury Lip Liners are also part of the sale so stock up!

SUBSCRIBE TO THE SHOW:

Also, like, welcome to my substack? To get even more juicy content each month, subscribe for $5 a month to get

* a close-friends q&a ep where we talk ab the things I’m too afraid to say on TikTok

* an extra episode featuring resources from our illustrious guests

* a monthly “what I’m learning in b-school” round-up sharing the highlights of my $250k degree 🙃

* my everlasting love and gratitude

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In celebration of Black Business Month, we collaborated with Lydia from the Boardroom Beauty podcast to spotlight two incredible beauty founders. Join us for a chat with Desiree Verdejo of Hyper Skin and Karen Young of Oui the People as they share the realities of managing growing businesses that have expanded into international retailers like Sephora, while balancing healthy personal lives, motherhood and self-care beyond beauty and skincare.

Check out the video version on YouTube here:

Listen to the first part of this conversation over on the Boardroom Beauty podcast:

Learn more about these founders and their businesses in the links below:

Desiree Verdejo:

https://www.instagram.com/desiree.ver...

Hyper Skin:

https://www.instagram.com/hyperskin/?...

Karen Young:

/ karen-young-2a166622

Oui the People:

/ ouithepeople