They say going to grad school in your 20s is a cop-out. Maybe it is: the shield of academic prestige has certainly been a comfort, but today I can say that the whirlwind of personal growth my master’s degree has prompted has left me with no choice but to surrender. Yeah, it’s that bad, but that’s (unfortunately for my nervous system, fortunately for the stories my home friends get to hear) ultimately, good.

The year my frontal lobe developed I was in business school, surrounded by people largely my senior. I’ve met exactly 3 people younger than me and even then, only by weeks. I’ve faced friendship breakups, racial confrontations, career crises, an election and political unrest at a school and in a city central to massive political debates, and I entertained every type of toxic situationship you could imagine. I give thanks to God alone for getting me through this because, girl. Why???

Ok, welllll….I guess I asked for it! Becoming single for the first time in the midst of jumping into a brand new social scene full of overachievers, confronting my biggest academic insecurity (that I was bad at math: NOW PROVEN FALSE!!!), and thinking I could run two businesses while I learned what business really was-ok like let’s be very serious-WAY too tall of an order, even for the delusional.

The thing is, even though 25 was insane, I was comforted by the lessons from year 24, when I learned to stop settling and to say no to the things that weren’t serving me. In addition to ending my relationship, removed my birth control against the advice of my doctors, prompting a bodily transformation that has been critical to my mental and physical health. I left my (literally cannot express enough how great it was) amazing job at YouTube to pursue my own dreams and further my education.

In each realm of my life, I saw what I needed, and I stopped pretending I didn’t need it. I don’t know why, but I guess the frustration with being under-satisfied was so great that it prompted my welcoming of the unknown. Could the labels and the “you should be grateful”s really be fulfillment? Could I survive without feeling disconnected to my body, unchallenged in my job, or unseen in a relationship?

25 was the year to answer those questions.

Yes. I could. And I did.

Professionally and socially, at least, I thrived. I got a book deal, worked with dream brands, grew my social following, and travelled to several countries. I flirted, partied, and failed almost hourly. It was an awe-inspiring year full of fabulous outfits (you already know) and utter social chaos (one day I’ll share the tea - it could be an HBO series so I might save it for that!)

At 25 I lived. I really lived. I had successes. I made mistakes. I built a new bond with myself I didn’t know was possible. And I learned probably more than I ever have.

And in today’s episode, I’m sharing what I learned into 7 key lessons. Real ones, you’ve probably heard a bunch of them on the show over the last few months, but today I’m really distilling it.

I hope that by hearing me go through this, you’re either comforted that you aren’t alone, or somehow more prepared via perspective for when you encounter these battles on your own journey. It’s a process, and I’m just going through it with you.

It was my birthday last Saturday, and I felt more grateful for life than I ever have. Nothing was perfect, except I could see the good in everything, even the bad.

26, for me, will be about feeling gratitude and fully recieving the love and abundance that’s all around. It’s sooooo easy to latch on to pessimism. And I’ve been there - until somewhere along the line (at 24) I saw that it wasn’t good enough, and I loved myself enough to want more.

I love myself enough now to believe I deserve more. And today’s podcast dives into why.

Preorder the Too Smart For This Journal: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/761193/too-smart-for-this-by-alexis-barber/ Get custom embroidered robes for a perfect holiday gift: https://toocollective.com/collections/all/products/too-classic-robe Subscribe to the Too Smart For This Substack: https://alexisbarber.substack.com/ Shop Too Collective: https://toocollective.com/ Follow Too Collective on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toocollecti... Follow Alexis on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/alexisbarbe... Follow Alexis on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@alexisbarber_...

As the eldest sister of eight, I pride myself on being a master gift-giver, and in this episode, I’m sharing my TOP picks and all-time favorites—perfect gifts for everyone on your list this holiday season!

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Buy one get one 50% on all too collective robes until 12/7

Get custom embroidered robes as a perfect holiday gift

Skincare

* Sulwhasoo Gentle Cleansing Oil Makeup Remover

* Caudalie Vinoclean Instant Foaming Cleanser

* Josie Maran Vanilla Bean Whipped Argan Oil Body Butter

* Skinfix Barrier+ Niacinamide Activating Serum

* Daily UV Defense Sunscreen by Innisfree

* Summer Fridays Jet Lag Mask

* Summer Fridays Jet Lag Deep Hydration Serum

* Shea Moisture Body Wash

* CurrentBody Skin LED Light Therapy Mask

* Glow Recipe Watermelon Glow Niacinamide Dew Drops

Makeup

* Kosas Revealer Concealer

* Kosas Cloud Set

* Makeup Gift Set by Dior

Haircare

* Shark Hair Dryers

* Cecred Reconstructing Treatment Mask

* Amika Smooth Over Frizz-Fighting Treatment Mask

Clothing & Accessories

* Lululemon Align Mini Flare Pants

* Lululemon Cropped Define Jacket

* Alo Yoga Straight Leg Sweatpant

* Dolce Vita Sandals

* Puma Speedcat OG Sneakers

* En Route Jewelry

* Caitlyn Minimalist Jewelry

Home

* Harlem Candle Company

* Forvr Mood Candles

* Silk pillow

* Be Rooted Deck of Cards

Books

* How to Build a Fashion Icon by Law Roach

* Africa's Fashion Diaspora

Tech

* Beats Fit Pro Earbuds

* ChatGPT

* Claude

* Poppy AI

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Listen, I’m not above a petty internet trend that allows you to bash your ex. I am (I think?) Gen Z after all!!!

When I first saw the “women in male fields” TikToks, I immediately resonated and hopped on to make my own. Social media is nothing if not a reinforcement that none of us have ever had a unique experience ever, evidenced by my group chats exchanging countless versions of this trend with “NO LITERALLY” and “lmfao this is so you” over DM this week. If you haven’t seen them yourself, the trend includes women sharing things men have done to them in their perspective and captioning it #WomeninMaleFields. Some examples:

I audibly cackled while making my way through the hashtag: if one toxic behavior hadn’t been done to me, it had been done to one of my girlfriends. As the trend grew and spread to Twitter, I stopped scrolling when I saw a comment: “if we really want men to start acting different, then we actually need to start giving them a taste of their own medicine.”

Bam!!! An internet trend helped me integrate a lesson I’d been mulling over since a startup bootcamp session with two former Wharton bros running an almost $100M company. Picture the stereotypical founder nerd, akin to Mark Zuckerberg in The Social Network: smart, often clad in Uniqlo basics, uninterested in appearances, spending their days Citibiking around NYC and coding late into the night.

They candidly chronicled the background of their startup taking off: classic stories of grit, running out of money, products failing, faking it until they made it, and bold negotiation tactics with investors. Many of their stories were things I’d never do, especially since much of the time they’d had nothing but an idea to stand on.

After the session, I caught the eye of the only other woman in the accelerator, and we shared an unspoken moment of disbelief. It wasn’t that these guys had done anything wrong—their business was undeniably smart and impactful—but it was impossible to ignore how much higher the standards were that we, as women, had been holding ourselves to.

We’d been taught to put our heads down and work. We had to perfect our products before bringing them to market. We had to be kind, pay our dues, look perfect (of course), and have a stellar resume that undeniably includes working at the top firm in your industry. We wouldn’t dare approach an investor without a billion-dollar idea. We never would think to play hardball with investors or not have data to back up our decisions. When less than 3% of VC funding goes to women, it doesn’t feel like there’s a lot of room for imperfections, right?

Of course, the standards we hold ourselves to are not unfounded. At Wharton’s end-of-year pitch competition last year, three of us were influencers pitching our startups. The other two were male food and travel influencers who got great feedback, but after my pitch for Too Collective (the only startup that already had any revenue, and 6 figures at that) the first question an investor asked me was “why not just be an influencer?”

You guessed it: neither of the male influencers got that question. It makes sense that we over-index on being perfect - we are literally held to different standards.

Looking back on the startup bootcamp session, it wasn’t hubris that triggered me, but rather these founders’ unfazed belief in themselves despite not really knowing what they were doing.

The hard truth is that no one really knows what they’re doing—literally, no one. I certainly don’t! Yet the women we idolize are expected to “have it all together” and never let anyone down, while the men we look up to will break every rule and disregard others’ feelings to get what they want. (Just look at the presidential election, for crying out loud!)

We feel like we have to know and do it all to get what we want. But no one actually knows it all, and the people (men!) who hold the wealth and power in this country aren’t letting not knowing hold them back.

As we discussed last week, financial independence is key to protecting ourselves from exploitation. And if we want to thrive in a world largely designed by men, sometimes we have to play by their rules.

In today’s episode, I dive into three lessons we can take from men to help us get what we want: asking for what we want, finding evidence that our dreams are possible, and believing in ourselves unapologetically. I challenge you to try out these small shifts in your own life—you might just surprise yourself and laugh at ever doubting your own power.

xx

Alexis

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Earlier this year I saw a TikTok from a girl talking about how she’s the first woman in her family ever to live alone. I’ve been the first in my family to do many things - go out of state for college, not have a child by age 25, or make six figures - but living alone wasn’t an accomplishment I prided myself in. I suddenly swelled with gratitude as I looked around at my girly apartment full of pink accents and treasures from my travels. The gravity had been lost on me.

During the election, more of these opportunities I’d taken for granted came to light. It’s not that I didn’t know history (hello, literal Political Science degree), but I hadn’t contextualized it with my daily life. Reminded of the recency of women’s rights to vote, get credit cards, sign a lease, and even get birth control on their own, I thought of my grandmothers.

Ruth, my white grandmother who raised me, and my godmother Lorraine, a Black family friend who she enlisted to ensure I had representation growing up, were both serendipitously born on the same day in 1953. Ruth went on to drop out of college to get married and raise five children, and of course she did - she wouldn’t have even been able to get a bank account on her own until she was 20. Lorraine was the first woman in her family who would be able to vote when she turned 18 - a right Black women weren’t granted until she was 12.

These women raised me to love and believe in myself constantly, resulting in an optimistic confidence core to my identity. And if you’re lucky enough to know first-hand, there’s nothing stronger than a grandmother’s prayer. These ladies kneeled at their beds every night to ask God for my health, happiness, and success. But at the same time, they wanted me to be safe, and that meant getting married.

Subliminally, overtly, consciously and unconsciously, women have been taught that security comes from a relationship and children (hello, Disney princesses.) The recent rise of TradWife culture, #SoftLife vlogs, and the prominence of picture-perfect Mormon mom bloggers on the zeitgeist has shifted young womens’ ideals back towards a “traditional” model, but the world around us has evolved.

Today, 50% of marriages end in divorce. One in three women will experience domestic violence. With an economy that’s constantly changing, a climate that’s crumbling, and relying on a relationship to be your saving grace could leave you devastated. To be truly free, women must be economically and emotionally free.

And it’s hard. We forget this is all new. Women have not had the opportunity to build our own futures for very long, so of course we are stressed out. Of course we’re holding on to outdated opinions on what we need to do to be happy. Of course we retreat to fantasy to make up for the fact that yes, we are alone in this, and we’ve never really seen how that plays out at scale. The world has shifted, and to quote a bretman rock tiktok, I’ve only been doing this for two fucking days!!!

In my time at Wharton, I’ve watched the most amazing, intelligent women shrivel into emotional wrecks over mediocre men who can barely get themselves dressed in the morning (disclaimer: I’m talking about myself too, IYKYK) If I haven’t already said this enough - we are too smart to be doing that.

This isn’t to say I plan to decenter men from my life - flirting is a lifestyle for me - but it’s to say that letting go of the idea of being “saved” or “chosen” is the best way to keep ourselves safe. It’s my mission with my content and this podcast to show you the realities of women opting into crafting fulfilling lives without having to dim their dreams.

To be truly free as a woman today is to have your own life. When you make your own money and make your own happiness, no one can control you. Yes, it’s way WAY harder for us to do that given the discrimination in this country, but there are ways. And those ways are what we’re talking about in today’s episode.

As I wrote this, I got a text from my mom, who I’ve barely updated all semester while I juggle my 2384238 responsibilities.

We’re evolving. This is new for us. But we can do it. We’re evolving. Sending you a grandmother’s prayer.

In the post-election landscape, I'm sharing tips on building emotional and financial autonomy so that you can't be controlled or manipulated by anyone. 

PHILLY: Join me for a candle making class with Cork & Candle. Select Nov 19 at 6pm here: https://tables.toasttab.com/restaurants/dfde9e56-62d5-4113-9c36-b6d8e579783d/findTime

Resources mentioned:

* The Psychology of Money

* I Will Teach You To Be Rich

* Ellevest

Too Collective:

* Too Collective Website

* Too Collective Affirmation Texts

* Follow Too Collective on Instagram

Follow Alexis on Social Media:

* Instagram

* TikTok

* YouTube

In this episode, we’re diving into “The Winter Arc,” a time for setting new goals, developing new habits, and building discipline for self-improvement before the New Year. 

6:04 - 4 types of rests report

11:06 - creating your winter character

12:47 - time management

15:00 - journaling

17:06 - using ai as your personal assistant

19:06 - redefine your relationship with social media

22:00 - wellness tips and recs

28:00 - leveling up

NEW: get your Robe customized at toocollective.com/shop

Hope in a Jar Philosophy Moisturizer

Then I Met You Rich Cream (get as gift with purchase with a robe)

Supergoop Glow Screen

Summer Fridays Jet Lag Mask

Skin Fix Collagen Plus Serum

Josie Maran Body Butter

Nivea Cream

Johnson & Johnson Baby Gel

LMNT Electrolytes - Mango Chili Salt

Awola Water Bottle

Binto Supplements

Satori Laser

almost every episode of Too Smart For This returns to the theme of external validation.

but today’s perspective shift helps us interrogate our goals so we can be less skeptical of them and more in tune with ourselves. if your current life missions are starting to feel a little less resonant, this episode will give you the tools to help clarify what really makes you tick.

EPISODE NOTESQuote:

"I have already settled it for myself so flattery and criticism go down the same drain and I am quite free" - Georgia O'Keeffe

Previous episodes about perfectionism:- He broke up with me for being too much:

- How to deal with people who try to make you feel small:

LINKS:

Reformation Low Rise Jeans

Shop Too Collective

Preorder the Too Smart For This Guided Journal

when you’re being pulled in a million different directions, you need systems for managing life’s curveballs.

in this episode, I dive into the frameworks I use to manage my time, energy, and emotions in the insane life I live! this was highly requested, so I hope you enjoy!

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Over the last 10 chaotic days since we’ve launched the Too Chill robe and had our first community event in NYC, there’s been little room for relaxation or reflection. Personal issues big and small bubble into my inbox hourly, leaving my head spinning from the good and bad.

While my reality looks like overgrown nails, frozen Trader Joe’s meals, and staring at a (brand new because mine broke the day of our launch party 🙃) computer screen flush with asks from school and work, I still feel an inner sense of peace. This is shocking to me, Little Miss Frantic™️, who has won the award for Most Dramatic in multiple camp, school AND work settings.

I shared in a few episodes back that adjusting back to the second year of my MBA hasn’t been as easy as I thought it would be, with new and old interpersonal dynamics threatening my carefully crafted routines. As I’ve actively stepped into the role of ~entrepreneur~ by joining the Wharton startup accelerator and worked on launching our third Too Collective product, new commitments and sacrifices have me meeting a new version of myself.

And it’s uncomfortable. From learning to stand on business and not text an ex back to unexpected brand invoices or receiving difficult business feedback, I’ve been exercising my emotional regulation skills often, with one new insight being the secret weapon to staying afloat.

Once the first few minutes of a setback have stung my soul and I might even feel some tears well up, two thoughts automatically sweep in to ease the pain: “everything happens to teach me something,” and “this is temporary.”

The Everything Happens For A Reason self-soother has been a constant thanks to my grandmother’s constant repetition of the phrase, but I think I was always afraid to face the “this is temporary.” If everything is temporary, how would I feel stable?

Ah ha! I’ve long tried to untangle where my perfectionism comes from and deduced it to some combination of trauma (duh) and my astrology, maybe(?). But it was only recently that I realized why I like the feeling of getting it right so much - it’s safe.

I always wanted things to feel stable, but I erroneously extrapolated that that feeling would somehow be there forever if I got it right. The logic went: If I’m perfect, I’ll never have to deal with this uncomfortable emotion again, yay!!

Bffr. Pain, sadness, disappointment, and envy are inevitable. Without them, we don’t get to feel pleasure, happiness, surprise, or contentment. These feelings - good and bad - are temporary, whereas the stability I was searching for in hoarding them is actually my own ability to face and conquer them.

I think I’m really starting to get what they mean by “enjoy the journey.” Because things don’t have to be permanent to be perfect - or perfect at all, really.

I hope this episode resonates with you. Love you longtime, and shop the latest Too Collective drop now.

xx

Alexis

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I’m the first woman in my family who has not had at least one child by my age.

Yes, I’m only 25, but the culture I grew up in prioritized having a relationship and children above all else. 

When I decided to go to college out of state, move to New York City, start my own business, and even go to graduate school, I was the only person I knew who did anything of the sort. 

But every time I returned from the big city, the question would remain the same: “do you have a boyfriend?” It evolved when I got into a long-term relationship: “why don’t you get married? You need to have kids soon or you’ll be an old mom.”

Questions about my education, business, or extensive travels were rare. While I thought I was above it because I was building my own life, I subconsciously was programmed to cling to a partner, plan for marriage, and stay with that person at all costs.

There had never been any room to question what I wanted out of a relationship, I simply was focused on being in one. 

So in my first year being single since I was 17 years old, I was not only struggling to figure out how to text a man back (my least favorite activity BY FAR) or get dressed for a date, but I also grappled with defining my standards for a partner.

When I’d dish to my girlfriends (and therapist) about my boy problems, one simple question kept taking the breath out of me:

“Well, what do you want?”

What do you MEAN? I get to decide what I want and what works for me out of a relationship?

It sounds silly to say, but I didn’t know I had the power to choose that. I thought relationships were fated, and that once you had a connection with someone you would focus on giving it your all. Many women operate the same way: focusing on the title instead of deciding exactly what they need, want, and deserve, and sticking to it.

Through a few Raya dates, way-too-long situationships, and a lot of experiencing what I didn’t want, I settled on what I did want, and thought I’d found someone who wanted to be that for me.

But when he abruptly ended things because “my standards were too high,” instead of lowering them, I started to feel a sense of pride for believing in myself and my dreams above all else. Now, the standards are just getting higher.

I hope this episode reminds you that you’re never too much for the right person. It’s one of my favorites ever.

xx,

Alexis

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Nothing soothes a Type-A girl’s spirit more than a plan.

A calendar invite for your girls’ dinner? Iconic. An organized grocery list with the exact right amount of ingredients? Sign me up.

Back-to-school planning has always been my favorite time of year. I was, in fact, that child After months of unstructured hot days filled with the expectation of “FUN! AT! ALL! COSTS!” it feels refreshing to return to productivity.

Something in the air (literally - we got crisper mornings and it was also a Virgo New Moon) shifted after Labor Day, and it feels like a real fresh start. In the season of Beyonce’s birthday, I’m taking inspiration from her to focus in on how I want to spend the rest of 2024. In this episode, we’re talking reorganizing, mindset shifts, and some favorites for the season.

whether you’re into fall or mourning the summer, I hope this episode gets you excited for whatever aspirations you’re working towards.

avorite products mentioned:

Acupuncture mat

Edikted

Fall back to school fit (low rise jeans and cardigan)

Nutraful (hair growth)

Kaai bag

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