The Art of Manliness

Why You Don’t Change (But How You Still Can) [ENCORE]


Listen Later

Anyone who’s ever tried to lose weight, curb their temper, quit smoking, or alter any other habit in their lives knows that personal change is hard. Really hard.

Most self-help books out there treat people like machines, blitzing past this difficulty and offering mechanical 5-step formulas for changing your life.

My guest today says such simplified solutions hugely miss the mark. He argues that if you ever want to change, it’s more fruitful to understand why you don’t, than figure why you do, and to understand that, you’ve got to go deeper, existential even.

His name is Dr. Ross Ellenhorn, and he’s spent his career facilitating the recovery of individuals diagnosed with psychiatric and substance abuse issues. In his latest book, How We Change (And Ten Reasons Why We Don’t), he’s taken what he’s learned in his work and applied it to anyone trying to change their lives.

Ross and I begin our conversation with some of those reasons we don’t change, including the existential pressure of feeling like you’re solely in charge of making change happen, a dizzying amount of freedom and number of options for what to do with your life, and day-to-day factors which influence our level of motivation. From there we turn to the role of hope and faith in psychology, and how these forces can both boost and restrain your ability to change. We discuss the way a fear of hope can constrain your life, why you sometimes need to embrace staying the same in order to ever change, and the difference between good faith and bad faith. We then discuss the idea that you don’t develop hope, but can develop faith, and how you build your faith in yourself through embracing humility and taking small steps. Ross then explains why he doesn’t really give advice on how to change, beyond finding the good in a bad habit, but how patience and your social environment can also help.

This show’s got some counterintuitive advice that will help you see your struggles differently.

Resources/People/Articles Mentioned in Podcast
  • AoM archives on habits
  • Limiting Your Choices
  • “We Shall Fight On the Beaches” by Winston Churchill
  • Self-Efficacy and the Art of Doing Things
  • The Psychology of Hope
  • How Exercise Helps Us Find Hope, Connection, and Courage
  • The Tiny Habits That Change Everything
  • AoM series on overprotective parenting
  • Dance Like Zorba the Greek
  • Connect With Ross

    Ross’s website

    Ross on Twitter

    See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

    ...more
    View all episodesView all episodes
    Download on the App Store

    The Art of ManlinessBy The Art of Manliness

    • 4.7
    • 4.7
    • 4.7
    • 4.7
    • 4.7

    4.7

    14,080 ratings


    More shows like The Art of Manliness

    View all
    The Art of Charm by The Art of Charm

    The Art of Charm

    10,510 Listeners

    The Rich Roll Podcast by Rich Roll

    The Rich Roll Podcast

    11,830 Listeners

    Making Sense with Sam Harris by Sam Harris

    Making Sense with Sam Harris

    26,332 Listeners

    Order of Man by Ryan Michler

    Order of Man

    8,924 Listeners

    The Dad Edge Podcast by Larry Hagner

    The Dad Edge Podcast

    1,494 Listeners

    The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish by Shane Parrish

    The Knowledge Project with Shane Parrish

    2,659 Listeners

    Jocko Podcast by Jocko DEFCOR Network

    Jocko Podcast

    30,720 Listeners

    The Jordan B. Peterson Podcast by Dr. Jordan B. Peterson

    The Jordan B. Peterson Podcast

    33,961 Listeners

    Modern Wisdom by Chris Williamson

    Modern Wisdom

    3,756 Listeners

    The Daily Stoic by Daily Stoic | Backyard Ventures

    The Daily Stoic

    4,783 Listeners

    The Dan John Podcast by Dan John

    The Dan John Podcast

    258 Listeners

    Deep Questions with Cal Newport by Cal Newport

    Deep Questions with Cal Newport

    1,302 Listeners

    Huberman Lab by Scicomm Media

    Huberman Lab

    28,580 Listeners

    Cost of Glory by Alex Petkas

    Cost of Glory

    323 Listeners

    Practical Stoicism by Evergreen Podcasts

    Practical Stoicism

    625 Listeners