A Codependent Mind

Relationship tools are neither good nor bad on their own. In this episode we talk about three tools that are pervasive in relationships marked by codependency - lying, resentment and defensiveness. These were Brian's go-to tools in Brian's relationship toolbox. He learned how to use them very early in childhood in order to neutralize relationship threats. As an adult, however, they have not served him well and using them in our relationship caused a lot of damage. 

Mentioned in this episode:

Season 4, episode 4: Trust (https://www.codependentmind.com/podcast-episodes/episode/6db6d080/s4-4-codependency-and-relationships-trust)

Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1

The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. 

00:02:46 Lying as a Core Codependent Behavior

Curiosity is an important tool for doing the relationship work of fostering understanding and deepening connection. In this episode we discuss  the transformative power of curiosity, drawing on philosophical insights and evolutionary psychology. We explore how Brian's curiosity was stifled—both by external influences, like critical relationships, and internal struggles, such as fear and disassociation. By recognizing these patterns, he has learned to shift from a defensive posture to an active pursuit of knowledge and emotional exploration which has been critical for our relationship.

In this episode:

00:01:44 What is Curiosity and Where Does it Come From?

Season 4 -#13 Codependency and Relationships: You, Me, Us (https://www.codependentmind.com/podcast-episodes/episode/6e1bf1f4/s4-13-codependency-and-relationships-you-me-us)

Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1

The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. 

Thank you for following or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast. 

Instagram and Facebook: @codependentmind 

Email: [email protected]

Have you've been told or have you told yourself that 'relationships take work' as a reason to accept behaviours or a relationship that is not serving your needs? This season is about relationship tools, but we shouldn't use these tools to make a relationship work that isn't serving us. So what does 'work' mean in the to the context of a loving, healthy relationship? Brian and Stephanie discuss in the to the context of their relationship. 

In this episode:

00:01:56 Relationship Work in Childhood

Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1

The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. 

Thank you for following or reviewing this podcast. It helps other people find the podcast. 

Instagram and Facebook: @codependentmind 

Email: [email protected]

Experiencing relational trauma and subsequent relationship disorders, whether codependency, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, BPD can make empathy challenging. Not that the feelings aren't there, but often the empathetic system is so wounded that it is difficult to stay in a place of empathetic responsiveness. But empathy is a critical tool in forming and maintaining intimate relationships. In this episode we discuss the role of empathy in our relationship, Brian's experience with empathetic woundedness and how he overcame them. 

00:00:37 What are we calling 'empathy'

Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1

The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. 

In Season 7, we return to the theme of Season 4 with episodes that focus on relationships. What are some of the tools, concepts and practices that we feel keep our connection strong and loving? In this episode, we discuss a tool that is not generally applied to relationships - the Lean Startup Methodology (https://theleanstartup.com/principles). People with codependent habits often get in to relationships very quickly and then spend an enormous amount of time and energy 'making the relationship work.' Applying Lean Startup encourages us to redirect that energy into answering the question - 'should this relationship exist?' We discuss how to start your relationships in a Lean way and how we use the methodology in our lives.

Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1

The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. 

00:04:03 The Lean Startup Methodology

Thank you for listening!

Brian and Stephanie discuss what they learned in writing the book including the role of Brian's mother, the similarities between narcissism and codependency, the power of re-writing stories and the intrangency of the codependent habits. 

The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. 

Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1

Thank you for listening, reading and reviewing!

**The audiobook will only be available from the podcast until August 8, 2024. It will still be on Amazon, Spotify and other platforms for purchase.

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/

Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1

In this chapter, Brian describes tackling the core codependent behaviors—feeling responsible for others' emotions, compliance, caretaking, people pleasing, compromising boundaries—that had been his default since childhood. Even after healing from the trauma and emotional wounds, he needed a new way of relating to people, seeing and valuing himself as an individual, and embracing an active role in his life. Identifying these codependent behaviors and their underlying motivations, like people pleasing out of fear rather than empathy, was essential. Recognizing signs of powerlessness, such as resentment, defensiveness, and dishonesty, helped him shift to personal agency. Awareness of his emotional responses and practicing being okay with disappointing others was also key to breaking free from these patterns. Healing from codependency has been about cultivating honest, authentic, and connected relationships.

00:02:05 Getting to Know Myself

The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. 

If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1

**The audiobook will only be available from the podcast until August 8, 2024. It will still be on Amazon, Spotify and other platforms for purchase.

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/

Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1

Brian reflects on the complex interplay between memory, emotion, and narrative. Reflecting on various pivotal experiences, he realizes that many of the stories he told himself were crafted not to reveal truth but to evade uncomfortable emotions like shame. These narratives, often based on partial truths or outright fabrications, served as shields against facing his true feelings and the realities of his past. Through introspection and external guidance, he begins to unravel these tales, revisiting each with a critical eye to uncover buried emotions and reassess his behaviors. This process, though painful and destabilizing, gradually freed him from long-held shame and fear, revealing a clearer, more authentic understanding of himself and his life experiences. By confronting and rewriting his stories, he found a path to genuine self-awareness and the possibility of living authentically moving forward.

00:04:27 Shame

The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. 

If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1

**The audiobook will only be available from the podcast until August 8, 2024. It will still be on Amazon, Spotify and other platforms for purchase.

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/

Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1

In this Chapter, Brian chronicles the arduous and emotionally challenging process of healing from trauma. He recounts his realization that his conditioned freeze and fawn responses to perceived threats, stemming from childhood experiences with his parents and an abusive friend, were hindering his ability to respond adaptively to interpersonal stressors. Recognizing and naming these trauma responses, understanding his triggers, and learning to sit with and interpret emotions have been crucial steps in his journey. By developing awareness and practicing healthier emotional responses, Brian has gained more control over his emotions and interactions, allowing for a more authentic and empathetic engagement with others.

00:01:50 How Threat Responses Become Trauma Responses

The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. 

If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1

**The audiobook will only be available from the podcast until August 8, 2024. It will still be on Amazon, Spotify and other platforms for purchase.

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/

Get your Paperback or eBook copy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CYH7TMZ1

In this episode/chapter Brian reflects on the journey of overcoming codependency, a set of learned behaviors initially meant to ensure safety but which eventually became dysfunctional habits. He discusses how these behaviors can be unlearned and reprogrammed through awareness of their origins and impacts. This reprogramming process involves not just removing or replacing behaviors, but transforming them into functional versions.

To achieve this transformation, Brian first needed to clear unresolved emotions like shame, fear, and resentment that accumulated over time. Facing these emotions was challenging and often painful, but necessary for gaining self-awareness. Despite the difficulty,  the effort was worth it, leading to better understanding, healthier behaviors, and more fulfilling relationships.

Support from others played a crucial role in Brian's healing. Building deeper connections and opening up to people helped him break the cycle of codependency. Particularly, a supportive relationship with someone like Stephanie, who was invested and willing to challenge the author, was instrumental.

Journaling was another critical tool for healing, helping Brian reflect on past experiences and connect emotionally. Combining this reflection with discussions with Stephanie facilitated significant progress.

00:00:31 Getting Started

The full audiobook can be purchased on Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Making-Re-Making-Codependent-Mind-Codependency/dp/B0D2LYSJC3/) and Spotify (https://open.spotify.com/show/4fzyWWfGTv34T5Hev7DsOP) and other platforms. 

If you are enjoying listening to the book, please leave a review on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?ie=UTF8&channel=glance-detail&asin=B0CYH7TMZ1