Anger Management: Practical Tools to Control Anger

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs speaks with Fiona, a small business owner and mother who came to him carrying anger rooted in childhood.

Whether it is anger with a partner who walks away mid-conversation, frustration at feeling unheard, or patterns that stretch back decades, Fiona's story will feel familiar to many listeners. In just seven weeks, she made changes significant enough that her husband noticed without being asked.

Rather than accepting that her past defined her future, Fiona focused on one question: what can she actually control?

Alastair walks through her journey, the tools that helped most and what her story means for anyone who feels stuck in the same cycles.

Key Takeaways:

• You cannot control how other people communicate, but you can control how you respond. That shift in focus is often where real change begins.
• Your tension scale is one of the most practical tools you have. Learning to notice where you are on it early gives you a window to make a different choice before things escalate.
• The thoughts and feelings model is not just theory. Once you understand that your thoughts shape your feelings, you can start to interrupt the pattern rather than being swept along by it.
• Change is possible even when the starting point is difficult. Fiona came from a background of violence and still made meaningful progress in seven weeks. Your history does not have to determine your future.
• And the good news is that the skills you build to manage anger with one person carry across into every area of your life. Fiona found the same tools helped her handle old family wounds surfacing in new situations.

Resources & Next Steps:

If Fiona's story sounds familiar and you are ready to start making changes of your own, here is where to begin:

• Book a free 30-minute phone call
• Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"
• Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores one of the most common and difficult situations people face: what to do when someone else completely loses it at you.

Whether it is a partner who blames you, a colleague who unloads or anyone who fires anger in your direction, Alastair walks through why the automatic reactions of firing back or shutting down both make things worse, and what to do instead.

Rather than offering vague advice about staying calm, Alastair shares five clear, practical strategies you can actually use in the moment.

And the good news is that none of these require the other person to change.

You only need to work on yourself.

Key Takeaways:

• Staying calm when someone loses their temper is not weakness. It is the most powerful thing you can do. It is hard for someone to sustain rage when the person across from them is not feeding it.
• Most of the time, someone's anger is not really about you. They may be exhausted, overwhelmed, or struggling, and you are simply the safe person they unload on. Reminding yourself of this creates distance from the heat.
• Anger is usually just the surface. Beneath it is almost always something softer, hurt, fear, or feeling unheard. When you respond to what is underneath rather than what is on top, everything shifts.
• A boundary is not a threat. It is a calm, clear statement of what you will and will not accept. Setting one without heat lands very differently than setting one while you are already escalated.
• Not all anger is the same. If what you are experiencing crosses into verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, the strategies shared today are not enough on their own. Please reach out for real support.

Resources & Next Steps:

If you want to feel more in control the next time someone loses their temper at you, here is where to start.

• Book a free 30-minute phone call
• Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"
• Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores the real reason your anger feels uncontrollable, and why the answer is rarely about the person or situation in front of you.

Whether it is a partner who says the wrong thing, a child who ignores you or a stranger who cuts you off in traffic, Alastair walks through why the same trigger can send you over the edge one day and barely register the next.

Rather than offering generic advice, Alastair shares three practical steps that build on each other and address the root of the problem, not just the surface.

And the good news is these are skills, not personality traits. They get easier with practice.

Key Takeaways:

• Your anger is not caused by what happens to you. It is caused by what you think about what happens to you. Change the thought, and the reaction changes with it.
• Your body knows you are angry before your mind does. Learning to notice your early warning signs, a tight jaw, a racing heart, a shift in your thoughts, gives you a window to make a different choice before things escalate.
• Beneath the surface of most anger is a rigid belief. Beliefs about fairness, respect, and what you deserve. Once you can see the belief clearly, you can begin to question it, and when the belief shifts, the pattern of anger shifts with it.
• Active listening is one of the most powerful tools in any relationship. When someone feels truly heard, defensiveness drops and real conversation becomes possible.
• These are skills, not fixed parts of who you are. With practice, catching anger earlier, examining your beliefs, and communicating calmly will all become more natural.

Resources & Next Steps:

If you are ready to understand what is really driving your anger and start making lasting changes, here is where to go next.

• Book a free 30-minute phone call
• Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"
• Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs tackles one of the most common and most painful patterns parents face: knowing your anger is a problem, trying to change and finding yourself right back where you started.

Whether you have made promises to your kids that didn't hold, tried parenting tips that worked for a week and then faded, or felt the shame of yelling again after genuinely trying not to, this episode is for you.

Rather than offering generic parenting advice, Alastair gets to the root of why the same triggers keep setting parents off and walks through practical, specific strategies that actually change the pattern.

And the good news is, this is not about willpower. Once you understand what is really driving your anger in those moments, everything becomes more manageable.

Key Takeaways:

• Your child's behaviour is rarely the real cause of your anger. On a good day, spilled cereal gets a calm response. On a hard day, it triggers an explosion. The difference is what is already happening inside you, not what your child did.
• Before you react, take ten seconds to ask yourself what you are actually feeling. Overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed about something else entirely. Getting honest about what is yours and what is theirs is the first step to real change.
• Vague rules create conflict. Kids need specifics, not instructions like "be good" or "don't interrupt." When you give them a clear action to take instead, there is far less room for the kind of friction that tips you over the edge.
• Catch your kids doing something right. Children get attention when they misbehave and silence when they behave well. Specific praise for good behaviour teaches them what to do, not just what to avoid, and makes cooperation more rewarding than conflict.
• Say how you feel, not what they are. Telling a child they are difficult or that they never listen teaches them something is wrong with them. An I statement focuses on your feelings and keeps the conversation open instead of shutting it down.
• Sometimes the person who needs the timeout is you. When you feel the heat rising and you are about to say something you will regret, stepping away and saying "I need a minute" is not weakness. It is emotional intelligence, and your kids will learn it by watching you do it.
• You do not have to figure this out alone. Seeking help for your anger is not a last resort. It is what parents who care the most tend to do. Understanding what is driving your anger makes the pattern far easier to change.

Resources & Next Steps:

If you are ready to stop yelling and start feeling calmer and more connected with your kids:

• Book a free 30-minute phone call
• Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"
• Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs sits down with Matthew, a 32-year-old husband, stepfather and small business owner who came to the program eight weeks ago stuck in a cycle of explosive arguments with his wife.

Whether you bring frustration home from a long day and take it out on the people closest to you, or you know your anger needs to change but have not quite found the words for it yet, this conversation will feel familiar.

Rather than talking about anger in abstract terms, Matthew shares what actually shifted for him, from recognising where he sits on the tension scale before things escalate, to seeing his wife as a teammate rather than an opponent.

And the good news is, eight weeks was enough to start rebuilding the trust that anger had been quietly eroding.

Key Takeaways:

• Anger does not always look the way people expect. Matthew saw himself as a good husband and father. But frustration was building beneath the surface, and the people closest to him were bearing the brunt of it.
• When everything else is getting to you, it is easy to make your partner the enemy. Matthew's shift came when he stopped seeing his wife as the opponent and started seeing them as a team facing a common challenge together.
• Your thoughts do not have to become your actions. Matthew learned that having a difficult thought is not the problem. What matters is whether you act on it. Slowing down between the thought and the response is where real change begins.
• The Tension Scale is a practical tool, not a theory. Asking yourself where you are on the scale in the moment gives you a window to make a different choice before things escalate. Matthew uses it daily, including in Auckland traffic.
• Writing things down makes the work stick. Matthew keeps a journal of his notes and progress. Seeing the changes on paper reinforces that the work is real, not just something that feels good in the moment.
• Short sessions throughout the day work better than one long sit-down. Matthew fits the course around a busy life in small pockets of time. That consistency, he says, is what keeps the tools fresh and usable when they are actually needed.
• Role modelling matters more than most fathers realise. Matthew is more open with his stepson about his own vulnerabilities than his father was with him. He wants his son to grow up knowing it is okay to feel things, and to have somewhere to take those feelings.

Resources & Next Steps:

If Matthew's story sounds familiar and you are ready to break the pattern:

• Book a FREE 30-minute phone call
• Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"
• Learn more about The Complete Anger Management System

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

In this episode of the Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs introduces the STOP model: a simple, four-step tool you can use anywhere, anytime, the moment you feel anger starting to rise. Whether it's your partner, a driver cutting you off or your kid doing that thing again, the window between feeling angry and acting on it is smaller than most people think. This episode is about how to use that window.

Rather than offering advice that only works when you're calm, Alastair walks through a practical tool designed specifically for the heat of the moment, and explains exactly why it works on a physiological level, not just a psychological one. These are skills, not personality traits. They get easier with practice.

Key Takeaways:

• The moment between feeling angry and acting on it is where everything happens. Without a deliberate pause, you don't have a choice, you just react. The STOP model is how you create that pause.
• Slow, deep breathing isn't just calming advice, it's physiology. It activates your body's natural calming system and directly counteracts the stress response that anger triggers.
• Practicing deep breathing in low-stakes moments means the habit is already there when the pressure is really on. Don't wait until you're angry to try it for the first time.
• Observing your anger rather than acting on it creates distance between you and the feeling. You're no longer inside it. You're watching it. And that shift changes everything.
• The right question before you respond is: what is the most useful way to handle this right now? Reacting with anger is almost never the answer, even when you're right.
• A physical reminder: a sticky note, a card in your wallet, sounds almost too simple. But a visual cue in the right place at the right time can interrupt the automatic pattern before it starts.

Resources & Next Steps:

If you'd like support controlling your anger and building calmer, more loving relationships:

• Visit AngerSecrets.com
• Book a free 30-minute phone call
• Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

In this episode of the Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs shares three concrete steps for communicating more effectively with your partner, especially when things get heated. Whether you're the one who shuts down in an argument or the one who keeps pushing to be heard, the problem is rarely what's being said. It's how people are listening, and how they express themselves when the stakes feel high.

Rather than offering vague advice about being a better communicator, Alastair walks through three practical tools you can use in your next difficult conversation. These are skills, not personality traits. They get easier with practice.

Key Takeaways:

• Most people think they're good listeners. Most people are wrong. In a tense conversation, the majority are just waiting for their turn to talk. Your partner can feel the difference.
• Active listening means being fully present. Not fixing, not advising, not preparing your response. Your only job is to understand what your partner is actually saying and feeling.
• Asking questions like "How did you feel about that?" or "Can you tell me more?" shifts a conversation from confrontational to collaborative. When people feel heard, the defensiveness drops.
• The DESC model gives you a four-part structure for expressing yourself without aggression: Describe the situation, Explain your feelings, Suggest what you'd like and give the positive Consequences of that solution.
• How you say something matters as much as what you say. The same concern delivered differently can either start a fight or start a real conversation.
• Effective negotiation means both people feel heard before any solution is proposed. A solution you've both shaped together is one you'll both actually follow through on.

Resources & Next Steps:

If you'd like support communicating more effectively and building calmer, more loving relationships:

• Visit AngerSecrets.com
• Book a free 30-minute phone call
• Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

In this episode of the Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores one of the most important questions in anger management: Why does that specific thing set you off? Whether it's a tone of voice, a passing comment or something so small you couldn't even explain it afterwards, your anger triggers are personal, patterned and almost always connected to something deeper than the moment itself.

Rather than offering generic advice about staying calm, Alastair walks through the most common triggers he's seen across 30 years of working with clients, and gives you four practical tools to start understanding and managing your own. And the good news is that once you can see your patterns clearly, you have something you didn't have before: Choice.

Key Takeaways:

• An anger trigger is like a button. When it gets pressed, the anger response fires almost automatically. But the button is yours, and you can learn to understand it.
• Anger triggers are deeply personal. What sends one person over the edge barely registers for someone else. The most common ones include feeling disrespected, experiencing injustice, having boundaries crossed, and feeling criticised or judged.
• Most triggers aren't really about what's happening in the moment. They're connected to something older: past experiences, deeper fears, wounds that never fully healed. That's why a small comment can land like a much bigger attack.
• Keeping an Anger Diary is one of the most powerful tools for understanding your patterns. Writing down what happened, who was involved and what you felt physically helps you see that it's not everything that triggers you: it's specific situations and specific feelings.
• Your anger doesn't arrive fully formed. There are always early warning signs: physical, emotional, mental. Learning to catch them early gives you a window to intervene before things escalate.
• Cognitive reframing means questioning the thoughts that are fueling your anger. Choosing a more balanced interpretation can dramatically reduce the intensity of what you feel.

Resources & Next Steps:

If you'd like support understanding your anger triggers and building calmer, more loving relationships:

• Visit AngerSecrets.com
• Book a free 30-minute phone call
• Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

In this episode of the Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs challenges the idea that anger is always the problem. Whether you've spent years trying to suppress your anger or you're someone who's watched it destroy the things that matter to you, this episode reframes what anger actually is, and what it can be when it's handled well.

Rather than treating anger as something to be eliminated, Alastair draws a clear line between healthy anger and unmanaged anger, and explains why that distinction changes everything. The goal isn't to feel less. It's to choose what you do with what you feel.

Key Takeaways:

• Anger isn't the enemy. Unmanaged anger is. Every emotion exists for a reason, and anger is no different. The question was never whether you'll feel it. It's what you do with it.
• Healthy anger is not suppression. Swallowing it down and pretending everything is fine isn't health. It's avoidance. Real healthy anger means expressing what you feel assertively, not aggressively.
• The pause before you respond is everything. Asking yourself "what is really bothering me here?" shifts you from reacting to choosing, and that shift changes the outcome entirely.
• Using "I statements" instead of accusations opens conversations rather than starting fights. "I felt hurt when my idea wasn't acknowledged" lands completely differently than "you stole my idea."
• Healthy anger is solution-focused, not victory-focused. The goal is to move forward together, not to prove you were right.
• Forgiveness isn't forgetting. It's refusing to let old anger live rent free in your head. Holding onto it almost always hurts you more than anyone else.

Resources & Next Steps:

If you'd like support managing your anger and building calmer, more loving relationships:

• Visit AngerSecrets.com
• Book a free 30-minute phone call
• Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

In this episode of the Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores the single most important factor in whether a relationship will thrive or fall apart: And it's not chemistry, compatibility or even love. Drawing on research from relationship psychology, Alastair explains why friendship is the foundation everything else is built on, and how it shapes the way couples handle conflict, criticism and the small friction of everyday life.

Rather than offering generic relationship advice, Alastair introduces two powerful concepts: Positive and Negative Sentiment Override. These explain why the exact same argument can feel like nothing in one relationship and everything in another. And the good news is, friendship is something you can choose to rebuild, starting today.

Key Takeaways:

• Research shows that only three out of ten couples who marry go on to have a genuinely happy, long-term relationship. The single factor that predicts success more than any other is whether each person sees their partner as their best friend.
• Positive Sentiment Override acts as a buffer. When the friendship is strong, small irritations don't land as attacks. You assume good intent and give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
• Negative Sentiment Override flips that entirely. When the overall feeling in a relationship has turned negative, even a two-minute phone call can start a fight. It's not the event. It's the lens you're seeing it through.
• Letting your partner influence you is one of the most important friendship habits in a relationship. Making decisions that affect both of you without genuine, fair negotiation slowly erodes trust and connection.
• Expressing appreciation frequently matters more than most people realise. Negative interactions hit harder than positive ones, so the ratio needs to stay high: around five positive interactions for every one negative.
• Turning towards your partner in small everyday moments, laughing at their jokes, acknowledging what they say, validating their view, is what keeps friendship alive between the big conversations.

Resources & Next Steps:

If you'd like support building a calmer, stronger, more connected relationship:

• Visit AngerSecrets.com
• Book a free 30-minute phone call
• Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"